catch up

Missing this view:

but loving this one, all the same....

just finished this book, and I recommend it wholeheartedly...

these hot days have demanded some frozen refreshments....

the view on my studio windowsill....

*sigh* my messy studio needs some work, but i've been busy busy busy using it as a studio!  (this is just a slice of it, unfortunately)

taking the week to cook good food, re-start my yoga, check out zumba, and continue to not smoke.

still smiling over our anniversary dinner last night...11 years (yow!)

we got married here...

and come back each year for dinner. 

Saturday, no - wait, it was tuesday...my days are all mixed up because of the mid-week holiday...so Tuesday I bought an incredible book... "This I Know," by Susannah Conway.  I met her a few years back at an art retreat in the piney woods of New hampshire.  No, I didn't sign up for her workshop.  it was all about unraveling your heart, or some such nonsense that i was waaay beyond in my life.  waaay beyond.  so i read that she had a new book out, and decided to give it a look, just because i had met her.  i sat down in the bookstore with a spiced chai latte and a biscotti, and the book.  no, i did not make it through the introduction before the whole throat-tightening, teary eyed thing grabbed hold, which can only mean that i may be getting a little close to a truth that my head doesn't want to acknowledge, but my heart does.  buy the book.

new topic:  after bitching about never going anywhere or doing anything as a couple, and feeling so incredibly single and disconnected from my husband, we have decided together to make an effort to do things together.  yesterday we listed them, and i have to say we've done good...movie, Cirque du Soleil, NYC, neighborhood BBQ, baseball game with BBQ and fireworks, and this weekend is our anniversary and kayak trip.  this may not sound like much (and the baseball was a definite payback for all the museums in NYC), but for 11 years, we have done very very little together.  between dog responsibilities and kid responsibilities and his travel schedule vs. my work schedules, it has been a losing battle, and honestly we really didn't try too hard to make it work.  but i am determined, and will do things by myself if he isn't inclined.  but i think the door has been opened.  and whereas before i always felt that i had to use "my" money to do things (like art retreats) i realize that is one of the ways a wedge develops between us - keeping track of who spent what, etc.  (i told you it's been a separate and parallel time).  fingers crossed.

ok - the studio is almost cool enough to work in....bath time for diva dog, then hit the paints!

perspective

club diva

it's 90+ degrees out...hot...humid...only good for 1 thing...

looks refreshing!  feels refreshing!  well, at least for my feet...i bought diva a little pool today - she used to have one and loved it.  Kita hated the pool, on the other hand.  brothers & sisters can be so opposite.  anyway, diva is apparently too sexy for the splash, and refuses to go in. (it's an entire 4 inches of water)  so it's my feet, a split of Yellow Tail Shiraz, and a good book.  (had I been able to squeeze my ever-expanding pooter into my swimsuit, i might venture to the beach.  a dark beach.  maybe a beach in another city.  enough of that.  i still haven't smoked.  i apparently have eaten, however.)  and i have some of those new squeezey freeze-'em drink thingies in the freezer, so my neighbor will be joining my pool party soon, and we'll be slushin.  (i got dibs on the mudslides).
be cool, y'all

look ma - no cone!

it's true!  thanks to many prayers and a new vet, Diva is cone-free!  still a little grepse on the leg healing, but it's gone from all the other spots.  Now to clip the nails...
(Diva is very upset about this picture - she says it makes her look like a 3-legged sausage.)

I've been noodling around with some 9mm bullet casings, after being inspired by Lynn Suprock's shotgun shells.  I have a load of them to go to the gallery today...here's a wavy picture of one:

Old-time radio announcers used to say "it's number 1 with a bullet!" about songs that shot up through the charts to the top.  I call this necklace #1 in my heart, with a bullet.  oh maybe i will, who knows.  it is h-o-t today though, so i'm trying not to think about too much.  like sitting with my feet in the lake smoking a cigarette, and similar thoughts.  i have too much to do.  and the new Tyler Perry movie opens tonight & i want to see that. love Madea.  that's the kind of mom i would've been.  which makes kids everywhere happy that they aren't mine.
okay - off to shower, walk Diva, get to the gallery, and spin the hamster wheel that is my day.
i have exciting EXCITING news brewing!  If you haven't contacted me about submitting work for the art show, or haven't rsvp'd,  DO IT TODAY!!!! it's getting good, and you don't want to be left out!

post #2

sometimes i wish i was this masterful blogger, with thousands of followers who leave enormous numbers of comments and stand in line to meet her when she has a book signing or appears at the grocery store to get a quart of milk, some cat food, carpet cleaning foam, and Jolly Ranchers...that my words would reach up into the part of people's hearts that makes their throats go all tight, and tears fill their eyes, and they say "she knows me so well" and then they write another comment.  once in a while, i can pull off a post that comes from someplace inside me that feels good and true and alive, and simply must be acknowledged.
mostly, though, my posts are a chaotic rickety mess of a life, thrown up in the air after slipping on a wayward dog toy on the 4th stair from the bottom just before the sharp curve at the bottom as i race to the sink to get resin out of my hair before it dries into a PeeWee Herman-esque nightmare at about the same time the doorbell and phone ring, scaring the cat out from hiding and into my direct path, necessitating an aerial evasive move worthy of a P-51 Mustang in order to not squash the cat upon landing...
Please note the exits at the front of the plane, the rear of the plane and over the wings.

oh and by the way...

have i mentioned that's it's been 12 days and 6 hours since i had so much as a puff of a cigarette?  did i mention that?

really really invisible

yikes - someone linked me from their blog, and when i clicked...poof - it said blog deleted.  not sure what is going on with blogger these days.  it's like a bad child.  the good news today:  37 confirmed artists from all over the world are participating in the Ophelia's Place art show/fundraiser in November!  if you think you may want to submit some work for consideration, send me a comment! (don't attach images til I email you, though).
a beautiful breeze is calling me away from this desk and over to the lake, so bye for now!

a lot of thoughts about invisibility these days...being not-23 years old, and not 99 pounds brings about a certain amount of invisibility.  i didn't want to believe it, and certainly wouldn't discriminate against someone because they were young and slim, but I am seeing with my own eyes how women in particular seem to be discarded as they age.  i've been noticing this in my experience, and also as i go through my day.  as menopause changes a woman's body, and pounds seem to gather quickly, and priorities shift from clawing up the corporate ladder to quality of life, eyes and attention shifts away.  it's subtle sometimes, but it is there.  i waver between wanting to dress funky and gypsy style to express my spirit, to thinking "what the hell? don't be that creepy old lady!"  what is age appropriate?  does it follow the style in your heart, or is it more sensible?  something Stacey & Clinton would approve of.  I am at a point in my life where I have more freedom to make decisions and have some life lessons to back up the roads i head down, and can certainly offer my experience, but much like the responses i gave my parents, i risk hearing "that's not how we do it nowadays."  The world does belong to the young, and it's theirs to shape for their own future, but believe me, i'm not ready for a cane & wheelchair yet. and - i am living in the world that i worked to shape, so let's all share. on my 50th birthday, i realized that i was realistically past the mid-point of my life, and had better start doing the things i wanted to do...even given good health, it was not likely that i would live to 100, so time was the thing.  and i started going to plays and not waiting for movies to hit Netflix and going on vacations and making sure i told people that i loved them and that they were wonderful - things i used to put off, or things that would get lost in a cloud of busy-ness.  now - no.  i am living as fully as i can without sinking our financial boat.  and i'm not putting up with any crap.
it's interesting to see friends who are quite a bit younger, as they go through the phase of life where they are searching for their purpose and self-ness.  i want to tell them to chuck all the advice and oogly-googly rituals and such...just live.  you never really figure it out, and there comes a point where it's just too exhausting to keep trying anyway.  it seems that those journeys only make a person feel "less", anyway...less wonderful, less close to their ideal, less like their role model.  when all along, they were meant to just be themselves, and maybe add an idea or thought here and there from these "mentors."  and honestly, if you scrape away the front of most of the guides, there's a whole lotta chaos there, too.  which is fine, but you should know that jumping from A to B to C will not sink you into a permanent zen state of life.  and anyone who tells you that is lying.  plain and simple.  chaos and friction are the building blocks to the next step.  why would you leave a comfortable plateau to continue hiking, unless you heard wolves nearby?  and life is about growth...your own true-too-your-heart growth that feels real and fits comfortably.  and amazingly, when you realize that you were created perfectly for the purpose you were intended for, you suddenly come out of that funk of self-degredation and unworthiness, and realize that you have a job to do - it will come to you as you just live life.  stand up, join the party, and get on with it.
so that's the rambling of my thoughts this morning.  there is no one person to follow, other than yourself.  and honor those who have gone before you -  don't dismiss their knowledge, and don't disrespect their journey.  and know that everyone has an amazing story to tell, just ask them.

I remember we sat in the swing on the front porch & as the dusk came on us like a song, dark throated & sweet, he told me about the beginning when we had bones of light & hair that burned like the sun & I asked what happened then? & I felt him floating there in the soft dark & finally he said we forgot & I said I never would, but sometimes I do & I understand now why he put his arm around me & said nothing more.
from Brian Andreas, StoryPeople.
I'm coming back to earth after 5 days of museums in NYC...as slowly as i can...trying to remember each brushstroke...trying to reach the center balance where i'm not so overwhelmed with it all and can make my own conversations on canvas...so much, so incredibly much.

ramblings through my head lately...the definition of an artist. what does it take to be considered an artist? an award? mad sales? inclusion in a museum? gallery representation? but i know plenty who have picked up a brush that i call "artist" and swoon over their work - yet they have none of the above. there have been artists of note that have pshawed awards bestowed upon them, refusing to acknowledge or accept them, saying that it mattered not one bit what a museum or voting body of people thought. i tend to agree. i make art as my form of communication. i hope that those who see it are touched in some way - that a meaning or conversation of any sort begins between the art and the viewer. but i don't think that it makes me a more worthy artist because i sell work. i love that i can afford to then go buy more art supplies, but it doesn't change the brushstrokes on the canvas...i am not a better artist, or a worse artist, because my work is or isn't recognized by people in suits who go to A-list cocktail parties. and i guess that is what's been on my mind lately. don't denigrate yourself or your work because it's not hanging on an expensive wall. don't deny yourself the title of "artist" because you don't sell your work. if you feel that you are an artist - you are. only you know. and no one can take that from you. i had to practice saying it before i believed it - i'm saving you time here! it's way to hot to keep at this post, but a few tidbits...my new haircut and haircolor is fantastic...done at a salon called Miracle, of course. so now i can go about life and not have to think about it. time to go stand in from of the AC vent....be cool, y'all.

thanks for the love, NYC

it's official...i heart NY.  the city, that is.  mostly.  just home from 5 amazing days of total absorption in the museums of NYC.  i don't recommend 3 museums in 3 days.  the overload could potentially blast the top of your head off.  arrived saturday, and husband lost his work cellphone before we even got off the train (we parked in Mt. Vernon & trained in).This was good.  this is the 1st vacation in 11 years that hasn't had his attention split between being in the moment and being in work mode.  the intention of the trip was museums.  he was going along to keep my mother happy, as she was Absolutely Certain that i would be mugged, raped, left for dead in a gutter or Worse, perhaps sold into slavery The Minute I Arrived.  yes, i'm a grown woman, but let's let all that go for now.  back to arriving.  we unpacked, and wandered Times Square for a while til we decided where to eat.  can i say - i get goosebumps in Times Square...the lights and sounds are just too much.  There was just no way to capture it all, so i just absorbed.  on the way back to the hotel...Sephora!  a total face-full of makeup!  love what the makeup artist/salesclerk did, so i bought it.  sunday - MoMA.  oh.my.god.  i was choked up the entire time...the abstracts....groan.  the 4th & 5th floor - to die for.  in fact, had i died just then, i would take happy memories with me. i was a little annoyed that everyone seemed to be on their cell phones - i mean, come on.   oh - duh - then realized they were actually self-guided tour headphone things.  der.  we had lunch in the cafe overlooking the sculpture garden.  (have to try to make this:  cauliflower & blue cheese tart).  husband enjoyed other parts of the museum, thinking abstracts are putz.  sushi for dinner, and exhausted to bed.  monday was the Guggenheim.  could you just kill me now?? it was fabulous...i have a list of artists that i want to research more about.  my brother's friend curated the abstract exhibit, and i wore the "cell phone" headsets, so it was even more interesting...there was a connection of sorts.  (sorry for waking you up broseph). i thought my favorite artist was going to be Pollock, but it wasn't.  Although, having watched a documentary about him a few months ago really made it interesting to see the work, and which work was in which museum.  but in MoMA, i was brought to tears by Klimt's "The Gift," and Rauschenberg's technique.  there were a few other mixed media/abstracts that really had me at hello, and i'll talk about them in another post (one with pictures!).  we left there and wandered through Central Park to the Met, but it is closed on Monday.  husband was asking about cutting the vacation short by a day, but i stood firm.  i had waited too long for this, and it was too necessary for me.  we really didn't do too much besides eat & go to museums & camera shop at B&H - Disney for camera buffs.  (we went twice to make hubby happy!).  and that was the purpose - to recharge & refocus my art.  i've been dancing on the fringes of something new - something...next.  and needed a push or a jumpstart.  mission accomplished.  and through a mixup at husband's company, his new phone hasn't shipped yet, and they accidentally shut off his voice mail also, so he got to step completely away from work.  that hasn't happened in years.  so today is the great hair makeover, then to the studio for some intense work.  unless the hair comes out bad.  i'll post again later with some thoughts i have on becoming a "famous artist."  it looks like we got out of the city just in time - temps are cracking 90+ and that can't make for a happy subway ride.  it's that hot here, but i have air conditioning, and can ride all alone in my car if i want...not be pushed in with a thousand sweaty bodies.  stay cool y'all...meet you back here later!

post 2 or 3

just a moment

there are moments that sneak up on a person...moments so delicate and sweet you close your eyes to stop time and savor them, spun sugar threads and sparkles behind your eyes, tears threaten flood trails down your cheeks...just at the absoluteness of that particular moment...when your puppy sighs and leans in against you...when a combination of colors you see - in your head or with your eyes - reveals it's true breathtaking beauty...when the song of the mockingbird outside the window makes you turn off the iPod in favor of a natural soundtrack...your heart clutches with the gratitude of it all, the beauty that has been there all along, the QuietHeart-ness that is there to touch and feel and see, if you just take a single moment to let it wash over you...these moments are a gift...to be unwrapped respectfully and savored for as long as they are willing to stay, knowing that in mere seconds or minutes they will be gone. But they will change you...they will leave a piece of themselves within you as a touchstone back to the memory of that moment...

Once in a while you come across some artwork at a funky flea market for Very Cheap, and you just get a feeling that the artist will be big someday soon, so you buy the piece that's screaming your name anyway because you HAVE to own it to look at every day. but you also know that someday soon you'll be at a cocktail party going, "oh, well I have some of his early work." and you will realize that you love the piece just the same, but now kind of smile because you just knew it. Tommy Lincoln even has a famous artist type of name. and here's the piece i loved too much to leave behind: (i give up trying to fuss with this picture to make it go up & down, rather than side to side. turn your head sideways.)

splashing in paint...working on the 3rd piece in a series...bellydancing music on the iPod...windows open...diva snoring...kitty dangling from her last nerve at the chipmunks...life is good....

post #3

i have learned that i am not a person of moderation. i cannot spend a quick moment checking email or facebook or websites, etc. so - i have deactivated my facebook account AGAIN after spending an embarrassing amount of time glued to the screen today, and getting little done. if you need me, you know where to find me!

post #2 or 3....movin'

yes. you. can. i love that - "A Secret Universe"...isn't that exactly what it feels like to be in the flow? don't you just want to find this child inside yourself and "dance and dance and dance and paint for 24 hours?" she's there. inside. i promise.

ok. i live in an older-ish house - circa 1970's Brady Bunch-ish era. it's more of a Frank LLoyd Wright Arts & Crafts feel, but still Not Brand New. and it does not have a basement. which means we cannot put in central air. which means my studio is about to spontaneously combust because husband hurt his back just before putting my window air conditioner in. so to lug it up the stairs and hoist it into a window is not in the cards. and it is about 95 degrees out. of course diva needs to be near me at all times, and i've tried to discourage this, since i don't want her cooking to death at my feet here in the studio, but the wolf-howling is persistent. i am crabby right now, and want to paint. instead, i'll be re-coloring my hair, which is somewhat of an artistic endeavor. it's really too dark, and somehow a hint of red expressed itself all over my head. oy oy oy.

help!

i need some help, or rather, Diva does. the vets are basically guessing at what she may have, but despite many rounds of antibiotics, and creams and sprays and now a zinc supplement, the creeping crud remains on her. and is growing back. and is spreading. there's a somewhat graphic picture of it below, in case you happen to be a vet who's reading this, or know a vet that you can forward this to. 2 years ago-ish, she had a similar (but not the same) skin thing that was primarily in her ears and around her mouth. the head dermatologist at Cornell said it was a yeast/bacterial infection. diva's vet here thinks this may be the same, but it isn't responding to anything in a significant way. she had her leg shaved to get the moist scabbing off, and it seemed like it was clearing up, but now it's thick and cracked and caking up again. and it's on top of her head & on her neck & a hind leg now, too. there was a hard chunk under one eye that i finally got off her by holding a cold wet washcloth on it for a few nights to soften it up. now that area (after having healed) looks bloody almost, and is starting to get crusty. sorry - i know this is sort of gross, but i am as exhausted as diva with this whole thing. she is damn tired of wearing her buster collar, and i am nearly hyperventilating every time i think of how she must feel. plus, i'm a bit tired of the buster collar hitting me in the shins and back of the leg. so....help! now here's the picture, so don't look if you get queasy. it's the best i could do, since she gets absolutely Amish when the camera comes out, but the buster collar hid it till the deed was done. this is the side of her leg - from the front, it's even uglier. the fur gets almost pasty and stuck together, then forms a scabby thing. underneath, the skin looks bloody. around her head, the spots are dry & crumbly, and make an off-white hard scab-ish growth. so let me know if you have a clue what this may be - i appreciate any help, and so does Diva.

oh, and one last thing...

if the other 2 posts weren't enough.... dude.... or maybe... i do love me some drums....

water for my spirit

last night we went to see Dralion. from the first opening note and intense scream of color, tears sat in my eyes...my spirit was quenched.... today - try to express it all in paint....

Preview the show

Preview the show

post #2: why it's important to pick the right hair color

i come from a long line of cautious women. at least as far back as my great-grandmother, Mina, although she had stellar moments of bravery and kick-ass-edness that are legendary. however, the gene pool was weakened from that point on, or perhaps lives were more complicated than running a lumber yard old-school with horses and recently returned-from-the-war sons and brothers and no other men in sight for many a mile. perhaps, or not. but suffice it to say that i am adventurous, but very cautious. and yesterday, as i enjoyed a nice steamy shower with new bath scrub, the fire alarm went off in the hallway upstairs. i grabbed a towel and ran through the house, and then realized that it was the steam from the shower that triggered it - i had forgotten to turn on the fan in the bathroom, since i don't smoke anymore and only used the fan to evacuate ciggie smoke. but the bugger wouldn't shut off, so i had a cat on a 2nd story ledge freaking out, diva dropping a poo at my feet and i finally had to jump up and rip the screaming bastardly beeping plastic thing off the wall. it was still attached by wires, but it shut right up. honey badger don't care about safety. just zen. and mine was on the ledge with bulimia cat (now known as "fly whisperer.") fast forward to today. my roots are growing in as fast as corn at Hafner's farm, so i decided Today Would Be The Day to color my hair. i am cheap and do it at home, resulting in a many-flavored look, depending on which box attracted me...Brown Sugar? Acorn? Navaho? well, today it was some John Frieda foam stuff. and pretty much just after i had my hair slathered, the doorbell rang. and rang. and rangrang. crap - the mailman? i'm expecting a package, but why doesn't he just LEAVE it on the DOORSTEP like he always does - could be diamonds, could be a newspaper...he just leaves it. (it's never diamonds, fyi). then i hear the backdoor opening, and i wonder if i locked the inside door? i figured it was my stepson, come to kill me after yesterday's ongoing drama. i had to look. nope - Perfect Stepdaughter. working in the area and needed to charge her phone & use the potty. so after all that chaos, it was time for the rinse-and-condition-and-general weeping portion of this home haircoloring to save $100. but i was distracted by thoughts of hair failure and near death doorbell ringing, and just jumped in the shower. yes. it happened again with the beepbeepbeep, but this time, i knew what it was, probably, and let it go, not knowing that my neighbor (the volunteer fireman) was home today, and a smoke detector sound to a fireman is like waving a rabbit in front of a greyhound. so as I shampooed and conditioned, my only worry was if i had picked the right box of color. and it was a scary thought, shallow as that sounds, because we're going out on a date tonight, and i didn't want to have to hide under a hat of some sort. (we're going to see Dralion, and don't tell my husband how much i paid for the tickets. he believes the ad that says "tickets starting at $35." i think they meant "programs" starting at $35, because for $35 you aren't even seated in the building - i think they hand you a VHS of the show and move you through the "special door" to the left and out into the parking lot). but back to beepbeepbeep-fireman-cat on a ledge. meanwhile, most likely thankful for her deafness, diva awoke and stretched and came into the bathroom to see where i was. i started flapping a towel from inside the shower, in effort to dissipate the steam. the towel - the only one in the bathroom - got soaked with shower water and was useless. i climbed out of the shower and turned on the fan, hoping for the best. and as i paused a moment, heard at least 2 of my neighbors yelling my name through the open slider. i am wet & naked. and not at all certain of my haircolor. all i wanted was a haircoloring experience like on tv, with swings and sexy smiles, and only hairdressers knowing fo' sho'. this is not what i got. so when i say Be Careful To Pick The Right Haircolor, i know what i'm talking about. do not let the distraction of it all distract you from important things. like fans.

Don't Fit In!

Can you read it? from Rachel Awes..."It's this simple...you are not meant to fit in...you were born to stand out...be stunning...shining...free." well amen. and i love that she uses the dot-dot-dot as much as i do. i want this mug for everyone.

oh, and PS -

I am super excited about this! when husband & I hit the road to NYC in a week, i threw in a haircut for myself here. my hair has gotten sooo long (past my shoulder blades in the back) but i didn't know what to do with it or who to trust with it. so, yes, it makes sense to have a total stranger in a different city cut it, right? someone i know nothing about? that has no references to check? perfectly logical, right? well, i guess it's like overpaying for anything - you perceive it to be better. and i checked my particular stylist's gallery and there's nothing weird or wonky, but lots of normal stylish stuff. hopefully she doesn't weep when she sees my roots. So our plan is to see the Guggenheim, MoMA, the 9/11 Memorial, and then wander a bit. my haircut is the day we leave, so we'll just leave from there. i'm trying to talk husband into leaving here at dark o'clock, so we can have breakfast in a cafe there, but with the block party happening the day before, it isn't looking good. i have a lot to absorb in 4 days. if you know of anything non-touristy that i should not miss, let me know.

a new diva doc

diva has a new doctor, and we love him...he has 4 ambassador dogs roaming free in the clinic (which is huge). I noticed that when a dog in the waiting room started whining or shaking, one of the free-roamers would go over right away and lay quietly nearby, sort of letting them know everything was cool. I had pre-warned the doc that diva was a little snippy with men, and she wasn't at her best lately. but he got right down on the floor with her and checked her out - no muzzle, no fuss. i think the cone helped - she never saw him coming. he checked through a few companies to find out if any of them would compound some zinc and make it chicken flavor (bubble gum, tutti fruitti, and strawberry may be good for human diva's, but not so much for a 4-legged variety). after a few calls, he found one, so they are shipping it to him today. if this doesn't work, then a biopsy. this better work. as badly as i feel for my pup, i am exhausted. dizzy spells are not conducive to hauling a dog up & down the stairs. she wakes herself up with the cone crinkling, then feels obliged to wake me up. some days i operate on 3 hours sleep. so this afternoon, i took myself for a walk to rediscover what the world has been up to while i've been stuck inside. here's what i found: and this was from last week's Funky Flea Market... it was a peaceful, inhale exhale hour by the pond...2 families of geese paddling over to say hello...the sun just right...lilypads waiting for flowers to bloom...the 3 sister trees growing ever taller...my maple and oaks and evergreens towering above the house...the peonies' last hurrah, but the hostas showing off quite a bit. now to grill some chipotle lime salmon and roast some cauliflower...

me again

it's still a cold, rainy day. i'm still out of coffee, but think i may have a way around that. diva is still snoozing on the couch with her pretty blue buster collar (a/k/a party hat a/k/a cone of shame) on. she has been convinced she is special and beautiful when she wears it. no, i have not yet showered at 3:35pm. too risky, between the dizzies and the back strain. so i'm headed for bubbles, but i got engrossed in a stack of old BUST magazines i got at the Funky Flea Market on saturday. some of the websites have obviously folded, and it's funny how many porn sites pick up the old domains. here are some surviving links you may like: "Yarn Ho" tshirt www.knitty.com, tshirts 'n'art at Super Maggie, the largest selection of yarn in the east (well, as of 2005) is/was at Flying Fingers, photographer Loretta Lux, and, wow, why didn't i pay attention in music class?

another rainy day...am thinking my sinuses are causing me some pretty remarkable dizzy spells. not able to drive today, so no work. don't trust myself in the shower, so a bubble bath will be in order. diva has a vet appointment with a new doctor on wednesday. fingers crossed. am excited to get my blasted church t-shirt! waiting impatiently for the mail. wish the wine could be mailed too! not much else going on...a sluggardly day, made even more guilt-ridden when diva came inside with a fat slug attached to her coat. like that isn't the universe giving me the finger. well, i have to do something soon - we're out of coffee, and the thought of facing the day tomorrow without it....safe place safe place. hmmm - coffee delivery? husband is off to Buffalo in a few minutes, so he isn't on track for the grocery thing. grrr. shoulda done this earlier in the weekend. ok - go here and say happy birthday - even if you don't know her. thank you! (image is from Blasted Church website)

My great-grandmother sent us out to pick raspberries in her garden while she watched the first moon walk on TV. You'll have plenty of time to see things like that, she said, but those raspberries were carried overland by your great-great-grandfather. She was very wise. I see pictures of the moon walk all the time, but all I have left from him is the memory of those sun-warmed raspberries. ********************************************* sometimes it's hard to tell which is the more important choice...

today is....

rainy and cold...a good day for cozy cozy socks and sweatpants and sleeping in late with a snuggle dog and having a cup of spiced tea while listening to Mary Beth Shaw's webinar...today is a good day to be grateful I'm not in an office and can wear sweatpants all day and listen to music and finish up a good book...today is a good day to finish rearranging my studio and getting everything in it's place while listening for the next conversation my paints and gels and wood icing want to have with me...today is a good day to sneak out under the cover of the japanese maple and pick some peonies to scent the newly somewhat-organized studio...today is a good day for a steaming bowl of chicken-broccoli chowder...today is a good day to catch up on the details of blogs and be lazy and take a luxurious nap with my new pillow scented in lavender...today is a good day for all of that. today is a good day to realize how much time i spend on facebook, and deactivate my account for a while...

random shots - post 2

this one has been insistent at my feeder - sitting on the top of the hook staring in the window at me for 5 minutes or more, once or twice flying at the window...what is his message?

and in case you missed her....

it's already hot & humid today...time to head into work!

50 feet is a lot of space to fill! Thank you, Caroleena, for making it all flow. some highlights...2 more days... Dupioni silk, hand-dyed...

the rest, mixed media paintings...

from Tony Robbins

I think gratitude is the most spiritual and most important emotion of them all. It's the antidote to the two things that stop us which are fear and anger. Fear is why we don't take action and anger is why we get stuck. You can't be grateful and angry simultaneously, so it's really the reset button. It's the cleaner of the soul. What it does when you are grateful, 'It's no longer about me, right?' It's really about giving thanks, and when you are giving thanks, you disappear and when you disappear, I believe you reconnect to the divine."

satan's pencils

I forgot what i was looking for when i went browsing through the buffet of Craigslist the other day, but whatever it was - it was not for a hookup with one of satan's minions. but the lure of cheapity cheap art supplies can sometimes cause a girl to lose her sensibility. and there they were - these were the motherload of cheapity cheap art supplies. oodles of pencils and Pitt pens and untold numbers of markers and rulers and calipers and Just Things. THINGS! and the kicker - all in a nice handy dandy case with a handle. yes. and y'all know what a sucker i am for tote bags and sterlite containers and tupperware and all manner of organizational containers. in fact, the Container Store called, and asked about their inventory. (that was a lie). (and please note that my studio & home are cluttered to the rafters with these items. not used yet. but someday. maybe. i just love how they all look fit together, and imagine things nicely organized with M&M's in one, and those candy necklaces in another, etc etc). so i clicked to respond. oh - how much? $25.00 yes twenty five dollars for a cartload of pens, pencils, and all aforementioned confetti. a design student, finished with school, and apparently finished with design or else why sell the tools of your trade? and despite the fact that the ad was about a week old, glorious luck would have it that these self-same items were still available. praise Jesus. (or "Chee-suhssah" as my former pastor used to say). ah-ha! you say. any sensible girl would run run run. alas, she would. but a tingle of sense intact, i suggest we meet at the gallery at a certain time & day. no reply. no show. i re-reply that perhaps there was a better day?? hello?? "yeah sometime sunday would be fine. I live in (a certain) area." hmmm. 4 years of college and that's the best you can come up with, pencil seller? so i name a second time & place - public, and within the area where the minion lives. no response, but i figure i'll head there, as it's a nice day, and husband is watching some racecar thing and overdrinking (i married a hillbilly, and there are just times when being apart is better on my blood pressure and his longevity). plus, i have to pick up stepper from the airport nearby, as she is returning from a cruise somewhere exotic and overdrinking. i wait. 10 minutes late. 15 minutes late. still too early to head to the airport and overpay to let my car sit idle in a slot. at 20 minutes, i start to fidgit with my phone and decide to google his name. now, i'm not one to judge, but if this kid intends to work in the world inhabited by the living at any time, he'd best be advised to restrict his facebook page. because anyone can look up his name and go into the gaping maw of his head to see that design does not figure heavily into his list of favorites. satan worship? check. music to make your ears bleed? check. all manner of goth dress and blood and sacrifice? checkity check check. i threw it into "drive" and drove. even if there were actual pens and pencils and markers in an amazing handled carrier that had cantilevering little compartments spilling over with eye candy, even if, they would be cursed. of this i am sure. i do not need that in my life, any more than i need more of my own life in my life. too-da-loo and good bye. so i went to the airport, dejected and still wondering if there were markers.

very excited about a visit from this lovely...a taste of Squamlove, right in my own livingroom!

Flying Woman..... For a long time, she flew only when she thought no one else was watching....(from Brian Andreas, StoryPeople). sorry - blogger still isn't spacing things, so here's a cue: NEW TOPIC..... YES! I'm going here: but today - a BIGGER big ass panel to paint. after working in 6x6 for so long, 8x8 seemed big and scary. now, 36x48 is just getting warmed up. bigger thoughts, i guess, or maybe louder. anyway, looking forward to a webinar at 1pm with my girl MB Shaw. Her book - have you seen it yet?? I'm on my 4th drool-through, and haven't gotten around to really reading the actual words...the pictures are too a-mazing! ok - off to paint before the heat closes me down... Fly, I tell you, Fly!

great ME day...visits with 2 galleries produced requests from both for work (!)...nice lunch out...art supply splurge...diva home...dinner at my favorite diner with husband...plans for a real, true vacation for us TOGETHER...plans for lunch with my best (and only) brother...hmmm, wonder if i can squeeze out 1 more faux ME day?

i am still in runaway mode tee-hee. i love this sense of freedom. i know it isn't forever (unless i win the lottery tonight) but it has been so restful and awesome getting back to center. i know there are natural obligations in the "real" day-to-day life i've chosen - diva duty, laundry, etc., but to escape from it all for a while, make great art, eat when i'm hungry, sleep when i'm tired....it has been restorative. this morning, i took a shower with the lights out in the bathroom, a Special Candle lit on the vanity, and the door closed to anything with 4-legs that might catch their whiskers on fire. i set the human carwash jets on "gentle" rather than the usual "Get This Shampoo Out Of My Hair Quick So I Can Get My Day Going." it was peaceful and wonderful and such a gentle birthing to the day. I still have 1 more panel to paint, but decided to get outside today instead...gallery visits, lake shore, flea markets. husband & diva come home sometime today, but i will savor the last few hours of ME time. i highly recommend running away from home.

so far....

a very productive morning, as I let my body re-find it's natural rhythm...awake just as the birds began to stretch their wings, i wrapped a Very Special shawl around my shoulders, and filled my coffee mug in the kitchen...a bit of food for bulimia cat, then out to the back deck to spend quiet time with the earth and watch the reward of the sunrise...walking with intentional deliberateness - slowly, feeling grass, then wood, then carpet on my feet...more coffee, and to the studio in my pj's under an apron...sitting on the floor looking up at the canvases in progress...kitty tucked into herself at my side...in the semi-darkness of the studio, inspiration starts firing in my blood...now, lights on...brushes...spatulas...gesso...sweet conversations with paint...kirtan turns to Regina Spektor turns to Mary J and Hendrix...so far, not a bad day at 9am....

From Stephanie Lee: If there is this place in your mind where you are free of all the weight that you have felt burdened by and in that place you are fully alive, confident, loving, allowing, kind, compassionate, trusting, bold and all of the other ways of being you can imagine for yourself... ...and if you feel like there is much work to do to be there, that there are too many things "in your way", parts of you that need fixing, pain or stuck ideas that need releasing before you can be there... ...it just occurred to me that the energy put into fixing and trying to release might be better used in practicing the opposite. I mean, if you practiced enough the being fully alive, confident, loving, allowing, kind, compassionate, trusting, bold and all of the other ways of being you can imagine for yourself, pretty soon it would be easier to be that than to be forever trying to fix yourself, forever believing that the pain or stuck ideas need to be released first. You don't need to wear yourself out trying to fix a false-flawed self. Take a breather in the practice of being totally okay. In this moment. Now. (does your mind start to explain itself? does it try to justify the discomfort?) Bless your heart. Bless all our beautiful hearts. The morning showers outside in the early sunrise are stirring up the deep thinking parts of me that want to be totally satisfied with exquisite beauty of each moment and the possibility (reality) that I am an integral part of that. *****(for some reason, Blogger refuses to space paragraphs. sorry) NEW TOPIC***************************** Today, I ran away from home. sort of. husband is out of town...I dropped Diva off at Camp Grandma's...bulimia cat wants a pet before bedtime, his/her food, and then just go away stinky human. My plan: the Megabus at 1am to NYC...MoMA...tea in Brooklyn...more tea in Brooklyn...the Highline. the original thought was to snag the last bus home, at 7:30-ish pm, but then i decided to stay over and actually fit everything in. maybe 3 days. maybe forever. but definitely 2 days. Mom went nearly hysterical with fear that her daughter (i am still 12 in her eyes) was going to NEW YORK CITY all by herself. hysterical in the psychotic way, not the ha-ha way. she apparently called anyone she felt could influence me away from this absolute leap of insanity, begging them to talk me out of it. she even revoked her dogsitting services at one point. i had no idea of the drama going on behind the scenes (and offer my sincerest apologies on her behalf if you were sucked into the swirl). at least we know where i get it. as it turned out, OTHER circumstances made the trip impossible, but circumstance that was good and balanced. but i dropped diva off anyway, needing a day or two to myself. and i realized how long it had been since i did have a day with no obligations...and even better - two in a row! i've gessoed 3 panels in preparation for a paint fest tomorrow, and have 3 other pieces i'm working on that make me happy. i can sleep/wake/sleep whenever i want, without having to be responsible for walking a woken dog, or explaining to husband why i'm up at 3am. i am ecstatic! and husband being one of the people on the early morning call list, has promised that we will pick a date and go for a vacation together, rather than these separate jaunts we've evolved. so it's good. real good. i have one of the panels set up in the garage, waiting on the promised rain for tomorrow, and excited about painting and watching the rain...smelling it wash the earth...hearing it pound onto the pavement and rush through the leaves of the Japanese Maple out front. so i'm off to my staycation, but don't tell anyone i'm here!

I'm drinking spiced tea from a beautiful teacup, given to me by a dearheart a little over a week ago. it seems like i dreamt that we had an afternoon of food and shopping and just being women. last night, not much sleep, as diva was not inclined to sleep on the floor and whined and carried on until husband put her on the bed. then she couldn't seem to get comfortable and continued pawing at me, till i took her down to the couch for the rest of the night (morning?). Today was my art show reception, and i stood talking to people about the work, and accepted their compliments and questions, feeling genuine and bona fide and certain. This evening I face a mountain of dishes left undone, a request from husband to help clear out the garage, special preparations of dog dinner - hiding the meds she refuses under a careful blanket of chicken gravy and turkey coldcuts and dog food, replaying the day and wondering about all the faces i have worn in the past 24 hours...24 days...24 years...tonight as i prepared a special dog dinner, and wondered how long i could put off doing dishes, i wondered which of the realities i had lived in the past 24 hours 24 days 24 years were Me? the song Baby I Was Born This Way inexplicably threaded through my head as a backdrop...and i knew that, yes, i was born that way - to change faces and realities and focus throughout the day without so much as a blur of a line of demarcation, a skill passed down from mothers to daughters born at a certain time in history. and i wondered also, how many women of my age do this on a regular basis? how many women of my age wonder which, if any, of the faces they wear every day...every week...every year are their true bare bold faces? how many women my age wonder if it's right to hope for more, or different? if it's okay to take the first bite, or to leave dishes stacked till someone else does them, like they were left for them? to claim their first place, surefooted identity, and know it is as important and vital as any other? and i wondered how many women my age feel like they just want a day when they can sit with a cup of spiced tea in a beautiful teacup, and for One Whole Day...be.

yes. it has been a Crazy Day. yes - with a capital "C" and "D" and marked on the calendar to avoid next year. and we knew this was coming, right? after post #1, any reasonable person would've said "Girl go back to bed and save the damage," but noooo - i cross into the red zone like a tasmanian devil. i went 26.5 hours without smoking, and by the .5 was a M-E-S-S...ready to scream shrilly at anything that dared cross the lazer beam of my sight. and having a very high maintenance dog to care for just wasn't a good mix. i actually drove to the Megabus, planning to go stay in NYC for a while, but changed my mind and re-decided to stay here and make everyone else miserable. i am truly not loving this. a tiny, pea-sized cell cluster in my brain knows it's the Chantix that's making me crazy and depressed beyond depressed. but the rest of my head is feeling it as if it was real. how do heroin addicts kick? a friend of mine was a rehab nurse and told me once that it was harder to get off heroin than cigarettes. i don't have experience with heroin, but i have to say that this go-round is not for the faint of heart. my apologies to anyone i may have sucked into the vortex in the past few days. it does seem like the cravings are gone totally if my mind is totally focused on something - a painting, a book, TV. so i spent some time at Barnes & Noble today and whipped out the credit card for some retail therapy. now, i'm waiting for diva to get bored listening to me type, so she'll fall asleep in her closet, and not want up on the bed. the problem with her on the bed, is that at some point in the night, she'll want to get off the bed, and will break her neck with the cone of shame on. I've been sleeping on the couch with her the past few nights, but honestly, i want my bed. (although i've been such a honey badger all day, husband would be thrilled if i slept on the couch. in fact, he may chose to). i'm hoping for a better day tomorrow. I'll be at my art show from noon - 3pm, and will have to make nice, so maybe it'll stick. my mother-in-law and 5 of her friends are coming, so anything can happen. okay - i think i heard puppy snores from the magic palace in the closet, so i can finally hit the hay. do not ever smoke. don't.

post #2 - need some drama in your life?

the truth?

the truth...hmm...do i dare put it in print? ahh, you know, i've always been open here. so, the truth: i feel like i'm "support staff." Chief cook and bottle washer, as mom used to say. my days are routine and heavily filled with taking care of other people ( 2-legged and 4-legged). the cat vomit is left for the maid, the coffee doesn't get made unless the cook makes it, diva's special food/medicine mix gets made up by the vet tech, the laundry - well, you get the idea. and the thing of it is that i would gladly do all this if there was some acknowledgement...some payoff...some moments of being made to feel Special. that's the very heart of the matter, i think. and i've thought about it a lot. not that i'm not grateful to live where i live, and have the financial support that i do, i would live Less if it meant having More...More time carved out to go away for a weekend or even a day...i am feeling sensory underload, and need to fill that part of me that twangs and hums with possibility and hears music and translates it into paintings...i planned a NYC runaway with my brother last week, but diva had her vet appointment, and is now high maintenance. she is literally at my heels every second, and while i feel badly for her (as only a dog-momma can) i am up to my own collar in frustration. i do not know how housewives in the 50's and back yonder did it. God knew what He was doing when he had me born in an era where i have expectations about how my life should be - if not on a daily basis, at least quarterly. it will be 2 weeks before diva is off her meds, so until then, i'll have to putter close to home. but for the love of god - if you're in my area, please call! i will buy lunch. in fact, call anyway, no matter where you are. i know this sounds pathetic, and it isn't quite as depressing in the minute by minute living of it, and i know somehow chantix is involved in the truly dark moments, so i grit my teeth through them, but i need to be with/chat with people who speak my language. now. i need to feel like a singular person, and not Support Staff. now. i need to remember my thoughts and opinions and likes and dislikes and sense of humor and sense of curiosity and sense of wonder and see new things and taste new tastes...i need an intervention from my life as it currently is. i need to win a contest where you get a clone. or a trip to Paris. Need - not want. these are the truths i feel this morning.

I don't want another opportunity to learn & grow, she said. I just want to eat crackers & watch Oprah & pet my cat. -Brian Andreas, StoryPeople...... Last night, after the Great Pill Rodeo with Diva, I took myself to the art store. I needed it. I deserved it. I needed to smell the smells that only an art store has. and see people with multi-colored hands and glazed eyes and feel the goosebumps when i look at the Golden display. i threw caution to the wind and bought a LAC (large ass canvas), a new spatula/trowel thingie, and a bunch o' things i likely could live without, but don't want to. i was in honey badger mode. when Mary The Fairest was here visiting for a nanosecond last week, we bought matching bracelets at this boutique (i know, right? "so queer" as we used to say in the dark ages) and both bought the same perfume (which is intoxicating "smell me!" i say to my boss, "don't i smell good??"). i was wearing both, plus my new capris and shirt. and the rolex. i say this because i was in the frame of mind where i needed to feel safe and untroubled by sick diva dogs and friends and art shows and money and whatever. just for a few hours, i wanted it to be about me. at first i felt selfish - leaving the diva to figure out the collar-of-shame. and thought maybe i'd spent quite enough money in the past few days. but that was spent on need, rather than want. and i needed to spend on want last night. and a large ass canvas was about as good as it got! i don't feel the least bit regretful or spoiled or selfish, either. an old boyfriend's mother taught me well. she said that "if you are doing doing doing for others, you have to Have to Have to take time for yourself...be indulgent, be wasteful, be or do something that will make you smile...buy a new lipstick or pedicure or wardrobe or fly somewhere just for the day and have lunch." (i stayed with this guy 2 years longer than i should have, just because i loved his mother so much. still do). (and love her lunches!). so i bought art supplies and took myself out for dinner. i came home relaxed and happy. in all reality, if i just went for a walk, it would work the same wonders, but the act of buying something non-essential for life sustenance was reaffirming of my worth to myself. (it hadn't slipped, but was getting pushed aside in the haze of martyrdom). and so all that led to this rambling post. i woke up to a very quiet morning - the power was out in the area, and with the exception of 1 neighbor with a backup generator, the smell of coffee in the air was missing. my neighbors to the left brew coffee so strong, i swear it peels the paint off the walls, goes through the walls, and out into the atmosphere. it's like an alarm clock for me, at times. sort of a contact high from the caffeine when i take that first morning breath. but i had a large ass canvas, so no worries. as it worked out, by the time i got diva's meds into her and helped her navigate the backyard for a tinkle, the power was on, and i made my own coffee. apparently lots of it, because here i ramble again. okay so i'm going to go now and walk diva properly, throw more gesso on a project, and take mom out for lunch (we both worked mother's day, so this is it). wishing you moments of great hedonism today.... he·don·ism/ˈhēdnˌizəm/ Noun: 1)The pursuit of pleasure. 2)The ethical theory that pleasure is the highest good and proper aim of human life. (did i tell ya?)

what did i say, again?

so, was it just a few hours ago, I laid out my beautiful plan for an artful day? wasn't it, right? ha! surely i knew then that by now, nary a drop of paint or rust would be spilled. surely i must have known then that diva would have a $350+ vet bill, a collar of shame (in blue) and many prescriptions and orders for a b-a-t-h twice a week with stinky stuff. i must have known that. *sigh* i now know how charlie brown felt all those years when Lucy held the football. the good news is: nothing life threatening. the bad: so far, I've had more blood drawn trying to give her the darn pill, then she had drawn at the office. the pill pockets are too small for the capsules, so it's off to the store. the bath went over like - well, it wasn't a hit. let's just say that. and the collar of shame is aptly named. but in 2 weeks, hopefully she'll be doing okay. bacteria & yeast infection that has spread up her leg, under her eye, around her mouth. yep - all the places that her infected saliva could carry it. poor bean bean. she looks so small when she's that wet! *************************************************************************************************************** note to art show people: although the theme is "Beauty Is..." please submit anything you choose. The main point is to sell - it is a fundraiser! The director expressly requests, though, that the work not define eating disorders specifically - she is a wonderful woman who knows her clients & families best. I have gotten 21 Yes! responses, and the list is exciting!

today

Today: car goes to the mechanic for inspection, then .... I will be in the studio ALL day!  my head has been swirling with ideas, and my dreams filled with finished pieces, but not enough extended time to work the pieces i need to make.  notice i said "need."  these pieces will not allow me rest until they begin to see the light of day.  and that means reconfiguring a part of my studio to make room for their gi-normousness.  but i will tackle that late morning, then begin to set up some water barriers on the floor and get some rusty stuff and linen in conversation together.
Today: a Big Smile day. because a note from my west coast dudelove made my heart pitter patter and made me want to hop a plane through time zones and hug big...because the house is mine alone for a few days...because i actually found 2 pair of shorts and some capri jeans in my new post-smoking size last night...because my diva dog has tethered herself to my side, which means an uber snuggly sleep...because the Tao of Drum CD has my synapses clapping their hands and dancing...because the air - oh! the air in the early morning! i wish i could send you some of the sweet perfume that travels across the air in the morning - lilac and pansy and some unidentified tree that grows tall and releases a scent so unearthly beautiful (hummingbirds favorite haunt)...so many things to smile about today...
wishing you smiles so big they get caught in your ears.

(PS- if you haven't responded to the art show email yet, please do soon - like today!  just say yes!)

wears long, floaty stuff so she doesn't forget that she's really only connected to the earth by the very tips of her toes...
from Brian Andreas, StoryPeople




stay lightly tethered today, my friends

with apologies to Sue

I meant to post a quick comment on sue's blog, but accidentally went off on a rant. when my eyes finally cleared, i stopped myself long enough to take my point back here, where i won't hog up her space. Her post was about gay marriage. she is for it. i am for it. we are both heterosexual women, married, and of an age that can get away with speaking our minds. although i am older. I do not see why there is a discussion about gay marriage at all. i just don't. when 50% of hetero marriages are ending in divorce, it's clear WE don't have it figured out. maybe we could take a lesson. maybe if there's a comparison group, we'll see that no one has it figured out. who knows? but why is this such a big deal? The only argument i've heard is that it is against God's word. but if marriage is not necessarily a religious station (many city hall marriages among opposite sex) then why are lawmakers even involved? There is no prayer in school because God's name is used. No pledge of allegiance - God again. no "christmas" pageants - yup, ditto. so how can the same lawmakers that are intent on removing God from public places now turn around and name-drop for this issue? i don't get it. i am particularly bitchy today for many reasons, which i will share here, but are likely to bore you. first, it has been a difficult cigarette craving day for some reason. second, i am tired, and third, i am watching my sweet diva try to find her way out the door of the studio and has walked into the same wall twice. i am pre-mourning her. and mostly, i am lonely. my friend from SAW, Mary, was in town for a few hours today, and we had lunch, saw my show, she loaded me up with presents and we shopped and shopped. she is wonderful. and i knew, i just knew, that when we hugged goodbye, and she headed back to the airport, that the waterworks would start. and they did. by the time i got to mom's house to pick up diva, i was a mess. i love Mary, and if you met her, you'd love her too. she is gentle and gracious and sweet and put up with my tendrils of conversational vapor all day as the chantix stole my trains of thought. but i didn't realize how much i missed the camaraderie and deep friendship up close until we spent the day together. There are few people where i live that have the same understandings...that can be called for a cup of coffee or a movie or an art date. there just isn't. my friendships run deep, but i miss the face-to-face latte or glass(es) of wine and a camping trip. I told her that her visit filled my soul today, and i don't think she realizes just how much. it was so good. but sort of like when the best book you ever picked up is almost done. but greedy me. so let's toss in a stressed out and absent husband, and you've got the makings of a Grucci Family festival of lights. so the week goes. Saturday is the annual Radisson garage sale...300+ houses participating. If you have a hankering for what someone else doesn't want, this is the place to be. but be here Very Early. and bring a water bottle. that's all for tonight. i've done enough damage.

I've always liked the time before dawn because there's no one around to remind me who I'm supposed to be, so it's easier to remember who I am. -Brian Andreas StoryPeople

i'm feeling reckless and filled with wanderlust...looking up Megabus and Amtrack and Jetblue schedules...just want to go somewhere ALIVE with sound and smell and pretty shiny things for my senses to overload & crash on...a museum, a latte, a fat Cuban sandwich at an outdoor cafe...these are the pictures swirling in my head this morning. My schedule is sort of fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants, so it's hard to include an accomplice - unless that accomplice has a sense of adventure and flexibility. i think a 1-day trip to NYC would do the trick, even. soon soon soon...maybe this time next week? wishing it was today...

the buzzz

yes - busy as a bee. in fact 2 fat little bumbles have found their way into my studio recently (at different times) and a hornet or wasp came visiting the other day. so that must be some proof of the sweetness in my life these days! so let's see - I have a show hanging in The Galleries, am working part time outside the studio, am putting together a fundraiser/art show for Ophelia's Place, building a website for a neighbor, working on a new series that has me all sorts of jacked up and excited, and trying not to pass out with excitement because Mary will be here HERE wednesday! my God i've missed her! (note to Sue: you need to come here!) and throughout all this, i'm quitting smoking. down to 2 1/2 most days. some days 4 or 5. but that's down from 25 a day, so i don't kick myself around too much on the higher days. it'll get there. there is a good exhaustion at the end of the day. it did take me a bit to get used to the new schedule - needing to sleep through the night, rather than get up every few hours and work in the studio. part of my away-from-the-studio job involves driving big diesel trucks, so i have to be alert. i feel so empowered and butch! i need another tattoo! Ha. part of the sleep-all-night problem is that bulimia cat still feels that wake-up-and-feed-me time is 4am, so he/she sneaks across the pillows (so diva dog doesn't notice) and starts nest-making in my hair. if i continue to play that i'm asleep, she'll check on me by putting her cold little wet nose in my nostril, or biting (gently) the end of my nose. once this ruckus starts, i usually have to get up to go to the bathroom anyway, so the dog wakes up too and starts barking at the cat which raises my blood pressure and makes it hard to get back to sleep. but aside from all that, i am loving life right now. i am totally in the flow, and where i should be. If you're an artist, and I haven't contacted you about submitting work for the show, please email me, or leave your contact info here (I won't print it) and I apologize for the oversight. I'm still trying to put my address book together on this new computer, since it didn't transfer like the book said it would. email me & send you the deets. so far there are quite a few exciting artists from all over the U.S., Canada, and a maybe from Russia & Japan.

oh - PS

The Month of May....Central Library...The Galleries, downtown Syracuse..."meet the artist" 5/19 12-3...please stop in - Caroline worked very hard to make it beautiful!

This nearly five-minute video really makes you think of how small we are in universe... and what we do with the time we are here. California based photographer and musician Shawn Reeder, spent two years working on this time lapse video of Yosemite National Park. (copied from Wabi Sabi blog)

gifts

how could a perfect morning get eclipsed? by a perfect afternoon, of course. spying baby ferns unfurling...

a perfect banana walnut latte by the lake, with a warm breeze on my face...

the shore guarded by giants...

reluctantly home to begin A Conversation...

today was a day of Slow Easy. an early afternoon meeting bringing opportunities to share...rain nearby, but not here yet, brought a tropical feel as the humidity rose - my hair defying any attempt to be sleek...an empty house is perfect for some tea & orange slices sprinkled with cinnamon, and some Flora...feeling thoughtful, and counting each of you as the gift that you are - bringing each to mind and holding you up for a sprinkling of blessing. my wish? for a huge house by the ocean where we could all gather.

it's humid, and the scent of my neighbor's freshly mown lawn mingles with last night's rain...wafting in my studio window making me dizzy with spring...our second spring, really. somehow, fat bumblebees have been coming inside to visit me, and everything stops while i play capture-and-release. they go up high to my lights, so it's not an easy task. today is a slow one...easing into the day with coffee, and finally a time to play around with some design ideas at my jewelry bench. nothing needs to get done, so it's relaxed. i'm stretching the last of the linen that Caroline gave me, and have some inklings of what that may turn into. just a gentle morning - one i've needed. smoking has been mostly good - some days just 2 cigs, some days 4, but i never thought i'd get to that plateau without an intervention! on the days i feel like smoking more, i say "ok" but wait 30 minutes to light up. and usually by then, i'm elbow deep in something and no longer feel the urge. when i do smoke, it feels foreign, and usually after a few puffs, i'm done. so that's a real step. with the season's change, i feel a stirring - an awakening - inside...creatively. there are things i want to express in my art and can't wait to do it. i'm still back-and-forth about an offsite studio...it would mean not having materials close at hand when midnight inspiration hits, or the snow is many feet deep, and it would mean leaving Diva alone most of the day. but it would also mean more focus. there is no laundry or cooking or phonecalls or computers in an offsite studio. maybe there's a happy medium. maybe if i split materials, and dedicated a certain amount of time to the offsite - say, 3 days a week or something, then i wouldn't feel like every waking second needs to be spent there. that mindset gets as confined as a cube in an office. but a big empty room where i could spill paint on the floor and not clean it up - that would be fantastic. i'll look around closer to home, rather than downtown where i assumed i would want to be. one of my Summer Sisters is coming to visit next week, and i am downright geeky with the thought of it! she's coming to town on business, but we will have some time to spend afterwards. i may make her miss her flight home :) it's amazing to me me how much this fills me up - just the thought. ok - time to shower & get outside in the day...thunderstorms predicted for the afternoon (thank goodness Diva can't hear them anymore) and i want to get a walk in before that. wishing you a beautifully sweet day....

a word about friends

First...I can't thank Caroline Szozda enough for her help (well, she did most of the work) hanging my show today. 7 hours of work, and she didn't feel good.  and it was an icky-ish day.  without her, i dare say i would have just flung the work up there in frustration.  thank you thank you Caroleena.  so stop in sometime this month - the Library in The Galleries downtown.  I'll be there 5/19 noon-3, but anytime during the month is fine.
While we were setting up, the oddest assortment of people stopped to chat.  and y'all know how i am a magnet for people of the oddest assortment.  one kid in particular stopped by, wearing his gang banger do-rag and all posing and semi-smarmy.  but i noticed he had very proper English, and began asking him questions about himself and asked if he was an artist (i mean, why else would a gang banger stop to watch art being hung?)  it turns out he sketches, and has a few notebooks filled.  i asked him his name, and then Caroline asked him his name - he gave her a different answer, so i called him on it.  turns out, he doesn't like his first name, which is unique and such a melody.  i decided for him that his 1st name would be his "artist" name, and that he should be back at the show on May 19th with his sketchbook, and we would plan his art career.  i teased him about his choice of headcovering.  i watched as he went from a poser, to a young kid, or a young man with delight in his eyes that he could talk about his art.  i hope he comes back.  Caroline & i were starving and trying to leave for lunch, but he kept talking & talking.  thirsty.  i want art to save this boy from his gang.  i want that.

In other news, a few years ago, I had the distinct pleasure of meeting Nicola Taylor.  She is beautiful and wonderful and has the most delightful heart evah.  and she has worked so hard for her dreams, and they have come true...she is living them.  and recently, she was picked from a huge huge choice of people in the UK to be in Stoli's first film.  Do not forget her name.  (and her calendars are yumm wonderful eye candy - no, that's not right...the depth of emotion each image embraces most certainly is NOT a quick look.  oh go see for yourself on her website.)  but look at this:(she is the photographer) (oh, and the video will say something about technical difficulty - just click it and it'll take you to the youtube version)