Friday, July 31, 2009
i live in an ammonia factory. i opened the door to the house yesterday and almost needed to call 911. the cat...this is the good cat, mind you, had spent the day amusing itself by urinating on any surface that it could straddle up on. it has been hot. and humid. and the house has been closed up. i cannot begin to tell you how little i am enjoying this cat right now. so now saturday will be spent dragging a Rug Doctor around. and if it reoccurs sunday....kitty will be going to the spca. i regret it...don't like it. but cannot live like this. i am willing to time my comings and goings around diva's kidney clock, but to have to worry about the potty habits of every living being in and around my house is just way more intensive than i have time for. i have asked everyone - even strangers on the street- if they want a cat. this is a very good-natured cat. he is lovely and i bonded with him. but. and if the spca is full, then i will freak out. this spca, by the way, doesn't have a clock ticking for death row. so...for real ...if you would like a kitty, now is the time to step forward. i have a feeling it's an alpha thing with diva. cats rule, dogs drool...that sort of thing. my house is difficult enough to come home to without feeling like we should replace the doorknobs with flush handles for a toilet. i'd say i'm pissed, but that would be a very bad unintentional pun. maybe ebay....okay kidding. so...anyone? buhler? Linda
at 8:40 AM
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
when, i ask, WHEN did i become my mother?? it was way before i wandered the street downtown with my yoga instructor on one side of me and maryann on the other as i tried to remember where i parked. my mind was blank. as blank as it was 30 minutes previous when itried in vain to remember my PIN number. i worry about alzheimers. in these moments, an icy terror grips me thinking about it. clare, ever the namaste one, asking me "what do you remember seeing right before you parked?" " a no parking sign." this wasn't going well. i would have to wait till every last person left downtown to find my car. then THEN today i get a forwarded email from a girl i went to high school with, and worked with in radio briefly. where is Linda? she asks. our 35th high school reunion is next year and i'm on the committee. 35?!? since when did they skip over the 15-34th ones? i cannot possibly be going to a for-real 35th reunion. and the only person i'll recognize will be Willy, (now William) who i had a mad crush on from 7th - 9th grade, and is now the manager at the gi-normous grocery chain store where i shop, and often looking like i was just dredged from Onondaga Lake (the nations #1 most polluted...Go Syracuse!) and trying to skulk behind the mangos till he walks past. once in a while i take some effort in the contact lens and mascara dept and wear an actual outfit, then go to that store for no other reason than hoping he'll see that i'm not some hopeless mess of a former classmate. usually it's his day off. you know how there was always That Girl..the one who taunted you or beat you up or stole your boyfriend or some other hideousness we girls visit upon each other when we are young and haven't learned to posse up...you know, THAT one? why, i ask, why am i always similarly dressed when i see her? not that i even care or remember why i feel all furious when i see her, but why am i always in the midst of some embarassment? it's so true what they say - that you have to get over your 7th grade self before you can become the self you were meant to be. 7th grade was killer. i'll never know why 7th grade. but it was. and it seems to be a shared experience . maybe it's a hormonal thing. who knows. that was the year i became a rebel, mostly inside, because i wasn't sure what to do with my thoughts outside. so it was a delicate balancing act. with a few tips. so, i ramble here. but anyway, as if my 50th birthday didn't get me thinking about age, and the end of the trolley ride...now THIS ...this reunion thing. oy. i have no idea what to wear. L.
at 8:41 PM
Sunday, July 26, 2009
i am just so tickled with how everything just falls into place if you don't panic...just breathe...and listen...and wait. there is a time - just the right time - for everything to happen...for each thing to happen. i am a panic-er from way back. a trait inherited through my fathers side...fear and panic. i have worked hard to remove those useless and exhausting traits from my life, but it's like trying to clean goop from the carpet sometimes. like in the ghostbusters movie: "he slimed me." that kind of nebulous goo that you think is gone, but then you feel a tiny bit sliding down your earlobe, all cold & nasty, and you go Uh Oh...missed a spot. so anyway...i made a concerted effort to identify and ignore or work through or work past or leap over fear or panic when i see it starting. and did i mention i have elevated both to a professional status? when people ask, "what do you do for a living?" i could answer, "well, i have a PhD in fear and panic, and i've been in practice for ___ years." so THIS time, i didn't panic...i knew the answer would come and it did. so now i have to get off this f.r.e.d. and get to work. so see ya...don't worry, be happy. Ok - now there's a perfect example, if i may stay here a moment more...could you just slap the smug off the guy who wrote that song?? BUT - he has a rags-to-riches story that makes you go, Dude! good work, my friend! making money from telling other people to relax. so very ingenious. so very positive outlook. i mean, we could all be humming a whole different tune if he decided to say F-it...this is too hard & scary and i'm going to flip burgers...or be a crackhead...or whatever he decided. i'm fully caffeinated and should just shut up (about 1 post ago no doubt) so bye. L.
at 9:54 AM
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
this video just says it to me. and then i got to thinking about dreams and wishes and realities and lies you tell yourself and fears and stopping yourself before the light turns red or letting someone else stop you (which is really the same thing if you think about it, it's just the finger points the other way) and steppng into space without a net. and today i had long overdue conversation with gailwhonevercalls. first let me say that the conversation, or this post is in NO WAY pointed at sweet jengray. not even a little. it was just her video that started a chain of thought that led other places. we got talking about how some people put up a facade of "everythings groovy" and it's all peace and bliss. there's nothing wrong with peace and bliss...in fact, show me the line, and i'll have an extra side with that, please. but our convo centered more around the ones - you know who they are - who seem to know how to tell everyone else what they shou;d do to succeed, and every note or blog post is from candyland making you think that maybe you are just the losingist grumpiest glass-half-empty person on this green earth. (and yes, in case you wondered, i AM procrastinating my project right now). but to only share the good, great, better, best is not fair. there a few kinds of blogs...those that are more of a way to advertise your product, service, etc, and direct people to your etsy shop or ebay listing. another is more of a meeting place for people with similar interests. another is...well, you get the idea. there's nothing wrong with any of them, not that anyone asked me. i don't know how to explain my point (and i do have one) (for a change)without a good friend thinking i mean her. i don't - this is in general and not about ANY one. just because you have a blog, it doesn't mean you have to open every secret door of your life. but to bar the doors, and make it seem as though it would be just so easy for me to have your success simply by doing xyz, well, that's like saying God didn't heal someone because they didn't have enough faith (former former church) or something equally absurd. so many voices these days yelling "caution" and an equal number pushing and begging people to "follow your bliss." i believe the truth resides somewhere in the middle, and is at a different place for each person. everyone has a different tolerance for risk, and a different tolerance for mediocrity. i currently live a mediocre life. i'm aware of it. i embrace it. there are huge swatches of brillance that will slam into it and trail through like the tail on a comet. then i need a rest. and when i say a mediocre life - not as in a sadly under-optioned existance barely taking breath. no - i mean i live in a way that i would like to change, will change, but am content with for now, knowing that i can build what i need to get to that comet-tail of a life, or i can choose to take a leap at the galaxy and grab the shining end of it. my tolerance for risk is not what it was 20-30 years ago when hitchiking was a perfect means of transport if you were unable, for whatever reason, to properly operate a vehicle yourself. or borrowing mom's car to go to a party lakeside in a foreign country (well, canada) with a bunch of drunken hockey players. no. i have those stories and memories to have and hold, but when i'm dealing with my real grown-up life, i need to see a bit more fine print. so although i HAD a point, i went off on a transient tangent as usual. okay - my point, which may or may not still be pertinent - don't tell me to grab my fairy dust and take a leap at my dreams when you are secretly living off a trust fund that allows the same risk that could potentially send someone else to an attic apartment recently vacated by some crackhead in a part of town that isn't even on glossy maps at the gas station just an area marked with a skull and crossbones. am i an optimist? yes i truly am. cautiously, like my uncle samuel. i just don't feel like i know what's best for YOU, so if you ask, you may get a reasonable answer, or an uncle samuel shrug. so back to the blog thing. if i gave advice, which i don't, i would say be careful what you take in. do what feels right for y-o-u...what rings true for you where you are right now. read some fine print. if you're 20-ish, forget everything i just said and take a flying leap at your dreams. seriously. i mean, if not NOW, then when?? for godssake - you don't have a mortgage or credit card bills up the ying yang...no kids grabbing your paycheck. good lord - just re-read this post and you'll know why NOW is the time. before you get old and grumpy. or satisfied with mediocrity striped with greatness. grab it all and demand more. fill your basket and wish you brought a wagon. now go - take a leap. git. L.
at 5:36 PM
I am an artist. I am a woman. I am a wife. I am a friend. I am an employee. I am a homemaker, though a somewhat distracted and disinterested one. Whiter socks and perfect piecrusts never really troubled me. As I thought about the different roles each of us plays throughout their days, their lives, I realized how the particular role sometimes requires a particular mask…to hide the authentic, the true. And why was a mask worn? And what effect did that have on the authentic and true? Did it wear down the deepest desires and Creation sense of Self? Did it seamlessly blend and incorporate the different facets? And was that dishonest, or just the way things were expected to be? Or the way the person is comfortable? And how did that ripple out to those contacted with…to become frustrated with them for seeing only one facet of the person, when the mask worn was too heavy to see through…and do people see what they want, or expect, to see - then stop looking for more? Witnesses to a crime will often tell widely varying accounts, often based on their LifeStory. When asked to describe a personal friend, it’s interesting to hear or read the different labels or personality traits that each person remarks on…one saying the person is quiet, the other describes a funny, gregarious person, yet another mentioning the organizational skills, and yet again another remarking on artistic ability. All the same person…different faces shining in different lights. It was interesting to feel my reaction when a couple i had known since early teenage-hood decided to divorce. I saw them as a couple. There was no Jack...and Joan. Just JackandJoan. I guess I hadn't "seen" either of them after all. And I felt betrayed and a little unsettled by their decision. They were the "last married couple in America." If they had gotten their unhappiness past me, what else hadn't I noticed? And else hadn't I cared to notice? Haven’t we all had times where we “felt” like an artist, or “felt” like a traditional homemaker or fill-in-the-blank? Then the next day…completely different. Except for that core of the authentic and true Self. So then, is the mask a part of the authentic and true? Or does it exist to hide? If it is to cover, is it in shame, or in protection? So again, the questions hang…what is true…what is authentically you…are you peaceful with your masks - your roles - or do they rattle at you in the dark? Do you long for someone to dig deeper…to look past the outward appearance…to find You? Or are you content…covering and preserving and protecting…You? There are no wrong answers. You may begin.
at 3:09 PM
Saturday, July 18, 2009
i swear i was taking an extended break, but stuff keeps happening and if i don't share, i'll explode. i was just today offered a 1-woman (me) show in september! i am so freaking excited! between that, and my diva coming home from Camp Grandma, i am feeling some bliss. a much needed respite. tonight i went to this very cool church - the Vineyard - with my mom. the music rocked the house, the people were very cool, they have a free snack bar at the back of the sanctuary, just in case you get hungry...who knew. so anyway, one of the associate pastors was preaching (although it was more like teaching - no brimstone or yelling SINNER!) and in the middle of it, he stopped and said "there's someone here that is hurting very deeply...you feel battered and bruised and exhausted. peace and rest to you." then paused and went on teaching. boing. so, posse, i pause along the trail, in front of the campfire, pink cowboy boots on, and a good smore going. soaking up the atmosphere before the sun gets too hot and the duststorm picks up. good night. peace and rest to you. L. PS...go here WHOO HOO!
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
i feel like i am being tested. physically and mentally. well, the mentally part - nuff said! I am CERTAIN....positive, i tell you...that there is a hidden camera & microphone a la Alan Funt (google it if you're under 40) in my cubicle at work. there is NO POSSIBLE WAY that the people who called me today - every single one of them- no way that they exist for real in nature...that they are roaming the aisles in the grocery stores and gas stations looking (possibly) just like you or me, with 1 head and eyes (left & right) and opposable thumbs. no way. no how. because a different breed of complainer hit my phone today. not from this earth. from some other terra firma and they had a direct line to me. i normally seem to attract people from the fringe, shall we say. while i'm trying to ramble my way through the grocery store at nascar speed, someone will pick ME out of the entire store ME and begin somehow to weave their life story into a can of lentils. Lentils?! i do not know from lentils. and i cannot bear your story mrs. lentil-buyer. not this day when i left the windows open and it's about to rain and i hate to grocery shop because then i have to cram and pack it all into my car then drag it home and unpack and uncram it from my car while not letting the dog and cat out and then re-pack and re-cram it into the fridge and freezer and cupboards and in an hour when i remember the potato chips with the jalapeno seasoning they'll be gone and eaten by friggin locusts dressed as stepchildren. in a nutshell, that is why i feel less empathy for lentil lady than i probably should. but back to my day at work. at first i thought "uh oh" with the first FORTY MINUTE drunken tirade. who i ask who can even over-drink THAT much by 10am??? AND she was calling from arizona so it was God knows what time there. telling me ME i'm a crack ho. after i repaired the burst vessel in my head, i took the next call, and i swear to you, she made the first caller seem like someone i'd take to the symphony. i cannot believe, by the third call, that someone i work with is not behind this. i look around, waiting for someone to start snickering and say HA HA. because this is something i would do to someone else. and have. except the crack ho part. but no. this is for real. and only the beginning i discovered quite some time later. the only saving grace to my day way that i had to go to the bathroom. so i logged off the instrument of slow death and went to the ladies room. now i forgot to tell you that while i was enjoying my Dunkin Donut supreme omlette with sausage and real-ish eggs and not on the english muffin i ordered, but on the croisant that the "chef" felt was a better flavor combo, no doubt, BEFORE my work day officially started, i decided to see how bad my inbox was. bad mistake. i was getting kicked around like an emotional pinata and not even officially at work yet. just dining in my cubicle. and the whacker was none less then the VP who had somehow gotten it into her pretty little head that i was the reason we were being sued over something. ME. so i spent the better part of an hour relaying that the incident in question never not ever had it crossed my desk. not even an "oops sorry." so when i decided to go to the ladies room, it was as much for refuge as for relief. so, you know how there's a small little space where the hinge attaches the door to the divider thingie, and if you look (even though we all pretend we don't) you can almost see who just walked in? maybe just a flash of color. well as i was about to assume the stance (which i'll cover another time, but you ladies all know the Public Potty Stance of which i speak), i hear footsteps and see a flash of pure white. no - not God, or an angel...the VP. i have no desire to meet up with her 1 on 1 in the loo with no witnesses, so as soon as she shuts her stall door, i am OUT OF THERE. i can hold it longer than i think. so the day more or less escalated itself till it fell (flopped down in exhaustion mostly) into a steaming heap of itself at 7pm. and i think it got a piece of me. i'll fight back for it tomorrow. meanwhile, i had the most crazy-wonderful convo with my home slice Momma J and she is one special person, i must say. puts the P in perspective. (which reminds me - in case you worried...i snuck down the hall and used the executive wing bathroom. they have the softest 2-ply. i scream Unfair!) so don't forget - smile, just in case you ARE on candid camera. L
at 10:14 PM
Saturday, July 11, 2009
this quote tickles me: "...like chasing a dancing muse on roller skates..." from Cheryl Costa, playwright and Very Cool Person. man, i'm making up for lost time here. L. (and YES you doubters...i am making art....just waiting for some glue to dry)
at 5:12 PM
are you awake yet? i've been up for hours! the cardinals woke me very early, since the West Coast Gypsy is recovering from travel. a glorious morning with a gentle breeze that promises rain later. i love being in my studio with the sound of rain outside. of course if the angels start bowling, i have to watch my step, with diva wrapped around my leg like it's a Titanic life vest. a little yoga on the back deck, a cup of coffee to balance out the goodness, and a small list of tasks to accomplish today...clean my car out (it looks like a library blew up in there), work in my studio, start downloading my pics and tunes. actually, those are the to-do's for the weekend. i'm not going to push and squeeze too much in. which reminds me...shop for new pants. if you haven't emailed yet, please do soon..my address book got wiped and that's why you haven't heard from me. i'm dying to tell you how wonderful you are! (so i''ll take a second here for a personal message...my queen! we must rust this weekend!) okay back to it. here, this is for you: Wild Geese You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves. Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine. Meanwhile the world goes on. Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain are moving across the landscapes, over the prairies and the deep trees, the mountains and the rivers. Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air, are heading home again. Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, the world offers itself to your imagination, calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting-- over and over announcing your place in the family of things. © Mary Oliver.
at 6:57 AM
Friday, July 10, 2009
still no photos transferred. sorry. still diggin this new computer though! it has the number keypad on the right hand side, making it easy when i do work from home, but a little strange when i reach for the "L" and hit 6 instead. i won't bore you with the blow-by-blow of the week, but it has been a week. incredibly good things and some of the saddest moments...all wrapped into 5 days. so it ends on a mixed note, but all-in-all, not so bad. the yoga is taking effect again and i'm feeling that Warrior woman come back, along with the centered peacefullness that's been lacking. it's showing in my work at the Big Girl Job, and in my studio. i feel myself contented and smiling much more than in recent weeks...has it been that long? so i re-made a promise to myself to start walking again. alone. i'll still give diva her props, but i need that alone walk to process and de-stress and inhale and feel my gratitude...smell the earth and the trees and the late-blooming trees...touch the rough bark of the shag maples and listen to my hawklettes in the nest, now too big and should really be out on their own. a theme. as much as i want to stay up and play in my paints tonight, i expect a very early wake up call, and a full day of plaster and process, so it's an early wrap up. when did i get so boring?? broseph:...i heard a rumor, youlikeemeet. good go! good luck! call you never call. oy. now off to my howling wolf dog. and dreamtime. meet you there. xoxL
at 9:11 PM
Sunday, July 05, 2009
i'm getting to know my new computer, and i must say i have a crush on it! when i save an email address to "contacts," i can add alll the usual stuff PLUS a picture of y-o-u! very nice. i've recovered and transferred everything but my pictures so far. (this one came with the computer...just thought i'd dress up the post a bit).oh and just realized i have to burn all my itunes to disk, then tranfer them and de-burn them to the new home. then sync. at least that's how logic is taking it. which would be fine if my old computer had disk-burning capabilities. which it doesn't. i think it just died of embarrassment, actually. oy. so up and coming is the Arts And Crafts festival downtown. i look forward to this almost as much as my birthday. almost. and the reason why, is that this is more like my New Years Eve than January 1st. why, you ask? well let me tell you. first, and most excitingly, is that i have a standing date with my famous living poet friend, Georgia. i won't bore you with gushes of how wonderful and important she is. but she is. and i WILL gush elsewhere in another post (again) but will lose my train of thought if i sidetrack here (all these train analogies). second, because it is a marker of my year. where was I last A&C fest, and where have i journeyed to as of this year? what have been the good things? the bad? the still-need-work? the completed? accomplisshments? comfort zones crashed through? and on. something about being surrounded by all that art and smells of food and wildly creative people and just wild people...it calms me enough to focus and think a thing or two through. and buy some spanky new art! as i've mentioned in previous years...it is impossible to get through this wonderland quickly, when traveling with Georgia...she KNOWS everyone and Everyone knows her! she makes more frequent stops than the mailman, chatting endlessly with people. this is in no way a complaint. i have met some of the most incredible people during this day, and stretched my imaginings of myself. it was during one of these festivals that i "became" an artist...with proper introduction. (and much verbal beating later for squirming under the lofty title). and many plans, intuitions and thoughts gel during this day. not to mention how nice it is to just be outside, enjoying art, with one of my Most Important LifePeople. it is where, last year, i decided to quit smoking. and did. this year finds me smoking again, but quitting again. so for this i am happy. today i plan to get plastered on my deck in my pj's. actually, i'll being laying down another layer of plaster for my mannequin, and have an old cutoff pair of pj bottoms i wear to keep mosquitos & plaster off me. i love kidding myself! so hopefully i'll have some pictures...i'll cajole Georgia into taking a few hopefully. be good y'all. and send up some love to another M.I.LP of mine...sing a silent chorus of Dancing Queen (ABBA style) tomorrow at your leisure. wink-nudge. Linda
at 11:46 AM
Saturday, July 04, 2009
YIPPEE! my new computer is spanky! i never realized how slow the other one was til now. of course, i feel a little guilty, like i'm cheating on my old one. it's sitting on my worktable right behind me...shhh! the only casualty of converting, copying, etc was...my email address book. soooo...please drop me a quick email, just so i can re-get your email address. unless you'd prefer i don't email you, then FINE. happy 4th y'all!
at 4:23 PM
Friday, July 03, 2009
Happy IndepenDance day! a day early. i mean think of it...the courage and planning and Everything it took to travel to the unknown, and create a new country. i'm glad to have been born now, and not then. so, here i am procrastinating. i have 3 projects going, and 3 full days to work on them. an early wake-up, into the studio and painting some little gifties for my bunkmates upcoming. today's agenda includes attaching a leg to a mannequin, which i'm delirious about. i have had more fun leaving that thing under a table, sticking out through a partially closed door, and hiding in the freezer. i've had a job offer in Portland, OR and am thinking hard about it. the job itself would be somewhat killer in demand hours, but it would be a nice transitioning step. i have time to decide, and am their first round draft pick, so it won't slip away unnoticed. there's another one in Washington state. same job, different location. what's with the west coast pull lately?? yes - i know, still typing as a way of procrastinating. works well! we are now a 1 dog, 1 cat household. i miss rocky and worry for him. but it seems much more peaceful, and the workload is decreased by quite a bit. i think there's a lesson there for me about holding back a bit and giving space. my new boss has finally felt comfortable enough with me to totally and outrageously buck upper management and worked it so i can go to yoga! i love her. so i went wednesday, with gummifriend staying late for me. cried the whole way there, spilling open with gratitude and realizing just how dry my spirit was getting. the yoga greasing those old bones, as it gently centered my spirit and calmed the chaos. i cannot express how much more i become "me" after an hour of yoga. i don't understand it, but don't feel the need to dissect it. it just IS. it makes me want to breathe in the colors and textures of life, and reconfigure them into art as i breathe out. to be intensely aware of the sound of the breeze as it sways the leaves. to stand here and catch the heavy perfume from the blossoming tree, then step away a few paces, and it's gone...picturing the scent traveling a pathway through the air. this is what yoga does for me. this is food for my body and my spirit. and even just writing this has finally lit the burner to get busy with my leg. so a very happy IndepenDance day to you..in all it means. xox Linda
at 9:22 AM