a Tiny description

a full time artist, stepmother, radio personality, and mom to an energetic Chug dog, tries to get through the days without committing a felonious act. My life is a rickety Zen circus.


Monday, December 24, 2012

it's time

it is truly time to fold this blog into my arms and tuck it away for a grand sleep.   When i began blogging oh-so-many years ago, it was to try to write out the deepest pain squeezing my heart from the loss of my dearest Kita.  (i still feel him beside me when uncertainty stalls my feet).   As years past, i shared my heart, my day-to-day, my triumphs, disasters, heartbreaks, deep thoughts, goofy stuff i should probably delete, and just anything that wanted to leap onto "the page."  There are meditative messages... some that still await you.
But it just feels like the time has come for a break.  I am about to leap into a whole new life, which will not allow for proper posting, and it is just time to say good evening to this log of events.
I appreciate the comments, emails, support more than you could ever know.  And i hope many of you will join me on my new journey into Magic!
it will be so very good.
wishing you each the courage to continue your journey, the friends to help you over the rocky spots, and hearts open enough to accept where the road leads you....be well, do well.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

I stand.

In anthropologyliminality (from the Latin word lÄ«men, meaning "a threshold"[1]) is the quality of ambiguity or disorientation that occurs in the middle stage of rituals, when participants no longer hold their pre-ritual status but have not yet begun the transition to the status they will hold when the ritual is complete. During a ritual's liminal stage, participants "stand at the threshold" between their previous way of structuring their identity, time, or community, and a new way, which the ritual establishes.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Friday, December 14, 2012

one last thing...

yoga tuesday...zumba last night...what the heck??? well, that's what my body is saying.  so i've noticed recently how boring this blog has gotten, and am wondering if perhaps it's time to seal it up and shut it down.  maybe I've run out of witty things to say, or deep thoughts to think.  I refuse to let it become an advertising vehicle for self-promotion.  i hate when i've seen that happen.  so here's what i think...i'm going to lay off till the first week of January, and see what happens then.  There are some Big Things popping that you deserve to hear about, having traveled with me this far.  and it has been a journey, hasn't it?  So right after my show opens january 2nd (SHAMELESS!), i'll let you know big secrets and little steps and huge leaps into the uncharted and possibly fantastic waters.  meantime - pray for me.  and i will for you.
Wishing you deep and sincere prayers from friends whose hearts beat in tandem with yours. poofpoof poofpoof poofpoof

Thursday, December 13, 2012

beans beans beans beans

so.  my recent annual checkup - not so good.  after quitting smoking, i added on weight like it was my job.  full time job.  and it appears i wasn't picky about what i filled the sack with, though i have no real memories of eating junkie junk (except the apple pie incident at thanksgiving).  but i must have because my cholesterol matches the national debt.  and my triglycerides?  circling the moon.  everything else pretty much fell on the bad side of good.  so the other day i went for my OTHER annual physical.  and my gyn suggested a dvd called Forks Over Knives...in other words eating well vs. surgery.  The documentarians were well-respected docs - one from right down the road at Cornell University.  And they purport a vegan diet as the Way It Should Be.  (I don't disagree, especially after a hideous nightmare i had many years ago involving a slaughterhouse.  All i can say about that is Do Not read books by Temple Grandin just before bed.)  But how?  it seems a lot harder than shoving a frozen lasagna in the oven after a horribly long day.  the prep work seems deliriously protracted and involved, and requiring much forethought - buying fresh veggies almost daily, etc.  what.  do you even think i could make this a lifestyle?? i can't keep a plant alive, let alone myself.  and to think my cooking choices trickle down on the welfare of the family.  (very dramatic, yes?) So what to do what to do.  and can i honestly think that i'll base my life on vegetables?  i mean, i WANT to, but in practice...?  just a whiff of Dinosaur BBQ makes me quiver.  decisions decisions.  and a plant-based diet seems like it would be uber expensive to maintain.  is anyone out there a vegetarian or vegan?  give me some insight please...i don't want to go on Lipitor or any of those drugs.  i won't, in fact.

Saturday, December 08, 2012

the most wonderful time of the year

welllll, for many.  for others - it's a foot race with a cement block tied to your ankle and googly glasses on...hard to see your way clear through jingly bells and cinnamon smells and happy happy joy joy all around.  and even though obligations may fill a calendar, it's the pillow that calls loudest.  and on the flip side, this is the time of holiday parties and cookie parties and gatherings - how much more lonesome is a clear calendar.  Please keep a special lookout for those who may be struggling this time of the year...be sure to include them...reach out a hand, invite them out for a latte, or just chat on the phone.  a well-timed email can mean so much.  and even if they decline, it feels so good to be asked, doesn't it?
wishing you each soft days......

Wednesday, December 05, 2012

all i want...

there are a ton of art options out there!  retreats, workshops, day-long, 2-day, weeklong, sleepover, commute, blah blah blah.  Maybe it's an explosion of them, maybe I'm just noticing.  I have to say that each & every one owes a tip of the hat to Tracy & Teesha Moore.  They were the pilgrims, the upstarts, the bold & brave who went first and figured it out.  Thank you.
here's what i look for in an art retreat:  an nice outdoor setting, all-inclusive meals/lodging (classes too, for a bonus!).  As far as classes are concerned, a good mix of levels - basic to has-some-experience.  i think if you have all these things on deck, the connections and experiences and friendships will form naturally and with strength.  my belief is that when we reach a bit past our comfort zone, or our level of expertise in a craft or artform, then we open ourselves to other new things.  the other stuff doesn't need to be contrived or planned...it will just happen.  poof.
so give me a cabin in the woods, some good bug stuff, good food, a river/ lake/ ocean, and a full moon.  bam!  I'm yours.

Tuesday, December 04, 2012


does this just choke you up?

and this.....

ok, while some glue is drying...i'll ramble and half-answer some questions.  No I haven't moved to NYC.  Am I thinking of it? heck yep.  i'll freely admit that Times Square does it for me - standing in the smack middle, with all the smells and sounds and those lights (!) just does it big time for me...yes, tears. unashamed.  And if i had an iPod with a drumline playing, AND was in Times Square, I might just explode on the spot.  just leave a small pile of ash right there.  gone. done.  so this weekend was just all that. (except for the ash part).  (i was careful).  i am a sensory person.  yes, i pet the man's dreds at the restaurant.  i asked first.  but they were waist length and perfect and just, well, petable.  i had to.  i just had to. and he was not upset about it.  prolly grew them (bought them?) for the purpose of attracting women.  so now that i've cut my hair,  i realize i'm a long hair person.  so i'm growing it back.  (maybe buy some for the interim?) even if it looks creepy.  which it won't.  i found a hairdresser who promised to cut it exactly the way i want it.  or else.  side note - i smell popcorn from downstairs.  okay, anyway.  yes i am thinking of making some changes.  i find myself being stuffed into a smaller and smaller box, and that isn't what this is supposed to be about.  and when i notice myself saying "Here, let me help you stuff that arm in" then it's time.  past time.  and after getting hit with a flying D thanksgiving day+1, it is past time, apparently.  it's just the implementation....so overwhelming.
i used to be fearless.  absolutely fearless.  knowing my power.  and i believed in Magic like it was my religion.  then it all got clouded in Being An Adult.  well, the belief in magic is back.  and it is more than a religion.  it is just the way it Is.  and i love swimming in the possibility and synchronicity of it all.  Mrs. Walker was right all those years ago when i interviewed her.  she was just a little cautious about the timeline :)   And Violet backed it all up.  i just didn't believe.  because i was An Adult.  and we must Be Serious.  shmahttah, i say.  there is so much inside me right now - so much to share, so much to hold close to the vest, so much i'm yearning to hold out in my hand and say "see!"  It's frustrating, yet i feel such gratitude at being able to feel it all...to know the things that i am turning this way and that in my mind...wanting so badly to grab a hand and say Come On! Let's sing the lights on!
today i wish you the magic of wishes and glittery lights overwhelming you .....

Monday, December 03, 2012

let me introduce you to my leetle friend....Max.  Max Brenner...the chocolate guy.  oh my freak OUT.  imagine hot chocolate so thick and chocolatey you need a spoon.  yes.  a spoon.  i just had a few sips and am higher than a kite from the buzz.  but this is the real deal, my friends.  oh nom nom nom

what a magical few days - even for a fairy!  Time in NYC at christmas is not to be missed.  and AND if you can spend the afternoon with your BFF (other) Linda, and Seth Apter...well...it's doubly not to be missed.  AND AND if you can spend 4 days in NYC at Christmas, see your BFF (other) Linda and Seth Apter AND happen to run into Perfect Patty under the most beautiful tree in a park near your hotel....call it magic...seriously, call it magic...what are the chances???

Friday, November 30, 2012

very excited!

Heading to NYC today to revel in the sensory overload that is Times Square, and to take a Seth Apter workshop on Sunday with my bff (other) Linda.  Life is good.  I want to go to Chelsea Markets too...nothing like a good flea!  and i need to restock my studio...in my zeal, i over-purged, and now find myself needing that certain gizmo or gear that i chucked.  and i also want to trade the papasan chair for a small futon.  i've only sat in the papasan once, for like three minutes, so it's still brand new.  and no animals have been on it (kept covered).  i think i paid a little over $200...want it?
okay - time to overpack so i can have a heart attack dragging my suitcase(s) on & off the train without getting caught in the door and being dragged down the track - on the outside of the train.  yes.  that is what i dreamt last night.  blame it on those freaky fables we were read as kids - Hansel & Gretel getting burned in an oven...Bambi's mother getting killed in a fire...i mean, is it any wonder??

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

this blog is just so emotional to me...i can't explain why, but i have such a reaction to it...almost as if i was homesick for the places she shows, but i've never been there.  hard to explain.  go look.  so i'm trying to get ready for 4 days in nyc.  you know me - an uber planner.  that means that by today, i'm freaked out with what i haven't done to get ready.  and this will include random things like ALL my christmas shopping, or all the laundry, etc etc...it's like that commercial with the big snowball rolling down the hill.  i don't just need to throw some jeans and a few sweaters in a duffel and go.  oh no, not me.  i can't even detail it, because it would make me tired.  some days i like my quirks for what they help me accomplish.  some days, i just get tired.  so today i will scrap everything and go to my friend Rika's shop and, well, shop.  then head to the Cafe for a latte and lunch and a secret drop off.  shhh.  feeling tired and hurty and that's making me all emotional these days, so i'll keep moving till i snap out of it.  but nap extravagantly. maybe call a wrap wench for a pedi....hmmmm. AND am headed to buy some knitting needles.  sat down to knit yesterday, and my needle case is missing.  with all my lovely bamboo needles that i've collected in the past few years.  gggrrr.  so a trip to the yarn shop is in order too.  better get a move on!

some thoughts sneaking in...giving me glimpses of themselves, and will soon be front and center and needing to be recognized and dealt with.  As i purged through my studio recently, i realized there were purges in other areas of my life to deal with, as well.  one of those involves my address book.  i know i've mentioned this before, but as the thoughts surrounding this gel more, i share.  there is the poem about old friends/new friends, silver & gold, etc etc.  and perhaps there is truth to that, but it seems like a friend from old, that doesn't make the effort to stay in touch, well, it's hurtful, and being busy is just not an excuse.  i'm sorry, but it isn't.  so i look at the effort extended vs. the effort returned.  And honestly, there are some relationships that will have to be dimmed...where the golden thread will have to be dropped...perhaps their purpose in each others' lives has finished.  and not in a chip-on-the-shoulder way...

Friday, November 23, 2012

oh yeahhhh

Verticle Oracle cardCapricorn (December 22-January 19)
The plot twists will be intriguing. The actors may be unpredictable, even erratic. Blossoming and decay will be happening simultaneously, and the line between wisdom and craziness could get blurry. There's not nearly enough room in this little horoscope to describe the epic sweep of the forces working behind the scenes. Are you willing to confront uncanny truths that other people might regard as too unruly? Are you brave enough to penetrate to the depths that others are too timid to look at, let alone deal with? I hope you are, Capricorn, because that will give you the power to ultimately emerge from the drama with your integrity shining and your intelligence boosted.

Capricorn Horoscope for week
 of November 22, 2012

most of the leaves are down, still crunchy under my feet as diva and i make our way s l o w l y through the woods... nature is about to rest for the winter, which hopefully will be mild like last year.  i dream of a small cobblestone cottage...i dream of swaddling up in quilts and layers and watching the fire dance and die down in a hearth, smells of cinnamon and balsam filling the air with spirit...i dream of paintings and sculptures coming to fruition under my hands - released from my ThoughtSketches and come into being...i dream of running through the woods with diva, scattering squirrels and pheasants and woodpeckers and deer and coyote...

a few geese have stayed late, honking and posturing in the pond...the night air carries their complaints...a neighbor's house peeks out at the bare trees...owls finding deeper hiding spots...

lately being followed by crow and bear - i should say stalked, as it's incessant.  Tuning in with the season and wanting to hibernate...having very low tolerance for fakery and facades this past month...looking for a tribe......
but for now, paint and wood icing and found objects calling....wishing you the intended spirit of thanksgiving in your heart every day!

Thursday, November 22, 2012

today, i take time to name the things i am thankful for, and realize it's a very long list.  Thank you for being a part of that list....

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

weirdness last night, with Grandma Jenny talking away, and me painting up a storm.  also a semi-disturbing dream about a friend.  no night terrors, but all very real and very strange.  i think the meditation so late in the evening did it...stirred up all the silt.  anyway, off to bed now after a beautifully productive day...lots of hot tea, much art making, time with Diva, good music, a cozy studio.  today was a Favorite Day on my calendar.  am starting to think about redecorating the studio...not purging! just painting the walls and maybe an actual light fixture to cover this one dangling lightbulb in the walkway.  i have huge daylight tubes over my worktable, and recessed pot lights in my jeweler's bench area, and spotlights by the papasan chair corner.  but in the smack middle of the ceiling at the exact center point of the room, there's a lightbulb with no fixture around it.  i want a blingy little chandelier. yes.  just decided. now for paint colors.....

btw - post #2

I have this tendency when I have a deadline, to run full out toward it, tossing everything else out of the way.  my thought is that if something has a definite deadline,  and that deadline can't be changed - like, oh say, maybe an art show - then until everything is ready for it, then nothing else is as important.  and this is true, to an extent, but other things can be necessary too, and not just showering and froofing up a bit as called for in civilized society.  And maybe having a bit of a night out, trying something new.  which i put my foot down and did last night.  i went to Sandi's art center for an evening of Meditative Painting.  wowsa y'all.  the point is not to paint a painting...it's to smoosh around in the paints, letting the music and the state of meditation guide your brush.  it isn't some oogly googly kinda thing, although i was down for that also, if need be.  but i went in open hearted, without expectation, and just hoping i didn't smell like garlic from the Italian restaurant husband took me to just before this endeavor.  (he did not go to the art part).  and i realized that some of my best paintings and 3D work have been done under a meditative influence...a trance-like state that i work best in.  i just never circled it and marked it as such.  and despite being up since 0-dark-thirty, i was relaxed yet energized afterward.  and dreamt i was painting, even.  and then had a very special visit from my namesake grandma that i never met.  it was a wild night all-in-all.  i can't wait to see what happens at the sleep study...too bad they can't see my dreams!  Ha.  the connections from the art show/fundraiser continue to loop golden threads around peoples' hearts...it is such a privilege to see.
now, it's time for me to work.  i will catch you later.  oh - you MUST buy this magazine...it is sweet and wonderful and makes you want to be all bohemian in a modern way and cozy and grow your own veggies but still have heat and indoor tap water...all that.  for me anyway.  oh and the link show issue 3 but i just got issue 2 which is about right, and it is the snuggliest.

Monday, November 19, 2012

woke up...spread my arms open wide as I lay in bed, and repeated out loud that today I open my heart to God...i will accept what he has in store for me, and ask that I am able to accomplish what He has for me with gracefulness and no complaining.  my house is clean-ish, I have to go to the post office, so no studio time.  diva goes for a pedi, then THEN! I am treating myself to a meditative painting class at Liverpool Art Center.  I may buy a wrap at Cafe 407, then head down to the lake to eat.  The art center is within steps of the lake.  shhhhh shhhhh shhhhhh ...i hear the water now....shhhh shhhhh shhhh.  ahhhhh.  Sandi has done a good thing here at her art center.....

I love when friends call you out of the clear blue sky just to chat about everything and nothing as they make a long drive home.  Thank you Terry!

Getting very excited for a meet up with Seth Apter in 2 weeks!  Even more excited to see Linda Other Linda!  and the Christmas decor in NYC.  I have never been there at holiday time and looking forward to it - Chelsea market and Times Square.  Times Square makes my heart beat fast...it's sensory overload and i love it! but need some quiet afterward...

putting together a mini retreat ... more details to follow....but, planning on a fire pit and cocoa and art and cozy cozy fireplaces and art and Too Much Laughing.  Everything I want in an art retreat.  and nothing i don't.  i want: Good art workshops, good food, good wine, good friends, a scenic location with opportunity to walk about.  I don't want/need to have "an experience" that's contrived or any other kind...i think just being with good people and sharing the wonders of learning/making good art will create the work inside of you.  I don't need yoga and such to put me in a state of consciousness to get there.  I love yoga, but don't need it to be a part of my Art Retreat experience.  ach - but i have lots to do today so i'll stop now.
wishing you a day of open hearts and willing hands....

Friday, November 16, 2012

cleaning closets

with the change of seasons comes the Great Closet Switch.  I have immense closets, but like to have my seasonal clothes in the bedroom closets away from fumes and dremel dust and all manner of possibility in the studio storage closet.  so i heave great armloads of stuff back and forth, dumping them on the bed in between.  this also gives me a chance to go through things to give away, send to the cleaners, etc.

It also got me thinking about how my email address box is jammed with names and addresses of people who are Busy...people who send an email once in a blue moon just to say they are busy.  Yes, I realize that - I haven't heard from you.  So, I will be cleaning that out, as well.  Call me crazy, but if a person is too busy to drop a note updating on their life, or to inquire upon your breathing status, then what thread is there?  yes - i am a constant communicator.  and yes, i realize most people do not write, call, email, connect in the sheer volume that i do.  i want you to feel special and noticed on this big earth.  i want you to know that there is someone who is thinking about you and saying little prayers for you.  because just thinking about someone is nice, but doesn't let the person know you are doing it.  i am also busy...2 very needy animals (3 if you count the husband), art shows, fundraisers, my own life to prepare for and complete, house cleaning, dinner making, and all the Becky Home Ec-y things you do too.  And i still find time to send my heart out every single day to those that matter...not every single person every single day, but i bet if you thought about it, you've received an email from me in the past week or two.  so i will wean that list...i will have to assume that if i haven't received an email from you in a while, that you are letting our friendship mellow into that fuzzy "Somebody that i used to know" area...which is fine, as it certainly lowers my expectations from you and i can relax.  and i'm not feeling angry or upset...just busy and in need of reciprocal relationships.
it is a cleansing day.
wishing you dust-free corners and gleaming floors....

Thursday, November 15, 2012

it occurs to me that I "know" a lot of creative women...I used to have a shelf in the bathroom with all my "sacred" books.  (the bathroom is the only room in the house that I can go into, lock the door and be alone).  the list grew, and soon it was 2 shelves.  then husband complained, so i started piling them on my nightstand too.  now i have my own bathroom, and a basket FILLED with Special books... Christine Mason Miller's two books, SARK's books (thank you Ms. Light), Stephen Cope, Melody Ross, and now Rachel Olsen Awes.  Some of these people I know know, and some I just know OF.  but you get to feeling that you know KNOW someone when you read their blog, don't you?  I was at an art retreat recently, and a woman introduced herself to me and said she reads this blog all the time and feels like she knows me.  (If you did this - it isn't YOU i'm talking about - it was someone else).  It was a a mess of emotions and thoughts all at once: someone actually reads this?? that's really cool - I'M really cool!  that's a little creepy, like someone looking in your window creepy (like Sue's dolls creepy)..all these things at once.  so i try to control myself when i meet someone who's blog i read...try to be cool, and realize that THEY don't know ME, and to be fair - i only know what they print.  I mean, they could be some slathering lunatic in real life (as could I, I suppose).  anyway, back to the point.
i spent weeks WEEKS purging my studio so i could fit a reading chair in the corner, and now i don't like the chair.  i'm sorry.  it doesn't make me a bad person, i just don't like it.  it looks lovely, but someone my shape has no business getting into a papsan chair and have a hope of getting out unassisted.  so it has sat empty.  and i want desperately to have a place to sit and read these lovely books and drink Constant Comment tea.  so I may return the chair and get one of those little couch-y futon things.  which will be good in case i need to get away from 3 animals snoring.
i just walked Diva around the woods and am smelling something that came home on my boot.  time to go clean up and read.  


is it really 1:15pm and I'm not dressed yet?? well, sort of - if sweats and an apron count.  hands covered in paint and glue...nice E6000 buzz going...ecstatic about progress of the 4' tall music box/assemblage/portrait thing...Thomas Ashman would be verklempt.  can't wait to send him pics.  and many thanks to his Lovely Leighanna who taught me the finer points of the dremel.  although we didn't cover flying bits of plastic, i had prior experience in that material and dressed accordingly.  am super excited to hook up with Seth Apter in NYC in December! a 2-story walk-up will limit my art material choices OH - unless I hire someone to haul my stuff up!  Just thought of that!  gotta love E6000 for expanding the mind.  ok back to work before i sober up lose the vibe.
wishing you a day of floating on creativity.......

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

yes, still tap dancing

cruisin the web and peeking out the corner of my eye at this assemblage, hoping an AH HA will hit my head.  but look what I found on Rob Brezsny's website...


In Tibetan Buddhism's "Four Dignities of the Warrior's Path," courage and ferocity are absent. In fact, the qualities regarded as essential for being a warrior have nothing in common with the training regimens of Marines or football players or lobbyists.

The first dignity is often translated in English as meekness, but that word doesn't convey its full meaning. "Relaxed confidence" is a more precise formulation -- a humble feeling of being at home in one's body.

Perkiness, or irrepressible joy, is the second dignity. To develop it, a warrior cultivates the habit of seeing the best in everything and works diligently to avoid the self­indulgence of cynicism.

The third is outrageousness. The warrior who embodies this dignity loves to experiment, is not addicted to strategies that have been successful in the past, and has a passionate objectivity that's free of the irrelevant emotions of hope and fear.

The fourth dignity is inscrutability, or a skill at evading the pigeonholes and simplistic definitions that might limit the warrior's inventiveness while fighting for his or her moral vision.

Pronoia Is the Antidote for Paranoia

Now I have an idea for another piece.  damn it.  race you to it MDeM.

so then i wandered over to his horoscope page and LO! lookie here - permission:

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
I'm sure you've got thousands of practical details to attend to. Your schedule may be as busy as it has been in months. But I hope you will find time to do what I consider essential to your well-being, and that is to wander and wonder. In fact, let's make that your motto: to wander and wonder. Even if it's just for a few stolen moments between your serious appointments, allow yourself to meander off into the unknown and marvel at all the curious things you find. Be on the lookout for high strangeness that thrills your imagination, for exotic pleasures that titillate your lust for novelty, and for fertile chaos that blows your mind in all the right ways. 

Grace emerges in the ebb and flow, not just the flow. The waning reveals a different blessing than the waxing. Where are you in the great cycle of your life?

yikes I say! permission to be me today!  all this struggle to focus, and I really should be unfocused and wandering about looking for forest fairies and the like.  well, far be it from me to not wander when wandering is called for, so Diva & I will walk the woods now.  i feel happy.
i'm like a flooded engine today ...can't really get started.  Too many ideas for this assemblage, rather than not enough.
Diva is getting older and more tired in exponential chunks.  Last night i snuggled her up and cried as she seemed confused about where she was.  I know, I know.  I just really don't want to be the one to make decisions on this little one's life.  My wish for her is to go gently in her sleep...one moment spooned against my heartbeat, and the next bossing Kita & Bear around.  What's the use of being a fairy if you can't grant such a wish??

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

post #2

in defense of Small Biz.
You know the shop...there's one in every town, every street maybe...it's got cool stuff in the windows and you pass it every once in a while and think about Some Day making time to go in.  Do it this saturday.  set aside time to go there.  Small shop owners are getting squeezed between rents being jacked up, and people hanging tightly to their "discretionary" money ... everyone is scared.  we all need to take a deep breath and exhale.  we all need to help each other.  what difference does it make if i buy a cupcake, a single cupcake, from Suzy's bakery?  it matters.  not just in the oh, 4-cents that she makes from it, but there is nothing Nothing sadder than being a shop owner and sitting sitting sitting waiting for someone to come in.  you feel worthless and loser-like.  you question everything.  you worry about rent and electricity and your own judgement, and you know you should not have opened a shop where parking is such a hassle - even though it was the only place you could afford.  it is awful.  And that little shop owner is probably struggling to support themselves, maybe a family, possibly even a dog & cat. so make a list of all the little shops you've wanted to visit, and this saturday - go visit.  buy something, if you can.  And if parking is a problem, don't give up...chances are most people do.  oy! and imagine if you got a group of friends together to do this, like a treasure hunt thing, and met up for lunch in a cool little bistro...just imagine!
It really is up to you to keep the storefronts open.

feelin Adele

Monday, November 12, 2012

Sunday, November 11, 2012

speaking of vulnerability...

(Brian Andreas)

yes.  sad but true.  as hard as i try to be me, it seems i end up being Other Me.  The crabby cranky inward-focused me.  the sad, dark, weepy caught-in-a-tornado of badness me.  but i am trying.  and that's as good as i can do today.  so i'm glad that i did my best for today.  sometimes we do things that flat out suck - our attitudes or energy levels are not what we would consider the best, but on that given day, it is truly the best we can do.  so i think as long as you do your best, even if it isn't perfect - or far far from it - then you're doing okay.
i gave the past week my full effort.  it wasn't my best in any way, shape or form.  but it was all i had to give.  so i apologize if i hurt your feelings, or didn't fulfill my end of something, or forgot something important.  truly - i am sorry.  but it was the best i could do.  next week should be better.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

it has been a long claw back this time...grabbing every. single. branch.  every single blade of grass...any  Thing that looked like it may inch me back.  and, gingerly, here I am...still testing the ground a bit, and staying vigilant.  and a bit quiet after the raucousness and deadlines and scurrying that can kick up quite a tornado if you aren't careful to eat and sleep and yoga-tize and smile at the times when those things need to be done.  add some sugary deluxe leftover halloween candy and specially made biscotti to the mix, and whew!  the darkness can become darker than ever before.
today, i renewed my vows to myself...to love, honor, cherish and yes - obey.  and diva, with her Laundry Fairy wings (see previous post) stood as witness.
i've learned so so much in the past week, and promise to share some of it, because you should know.  some will get bundled and tucked away with precious things.
right now, a savory roast is in the oven and heavenly smells fill the house...diva is sleeping on my left foot...coffee is brewing...all is well.

there IS a laundry fairy!

she's not 100% sold on the wing-age, but loves anything pink.  the glitter is a bonus and is now found deep in her fur and in random parts of the house! i need a vacuum fairy now too.  the cat was not as inclined to play along, pulling his/her paw back and saying "you have GOT to be KIDDING me."  so, no kitty fairy.  

Friday, November 09, 2012

it's true.  there are days when i just want to hook up the Shasta and drive away.  somewhere quiet.  with just the sound of the ocean or my Lake in the background.  where i can think.  or not think, but use my hands in making some art to distract my brain and will let my mind explore possibilities.  whenever something hurtful is said, do you ever stop and wonder if it was in response to something you've said or done?  do you just assume that you "deserved" what was said?  it's a tricky process to decide if the words were hurtful because they struck a nerve, or if they were hurtful because they were intentioned with arrows.  i don't want to miss an opportunity to grind down a rough edge, but neither do i want to carry someone else's issues in my sack.  and somedays, i think the shasta is the best way to go.
i don't own this shasta...don't want to mislead you.  but ever since i met a Lovely Incredible Woman by the Lake who lived in a shasta, i wanted one.  and i wanted to be my imagining of what she was like...sort of a smoke-and-mirrors role model.  and whenever i am overwhelmed, or just need a day of Deep Thinking, i imagine myself living in a Shasta in the woods, by a river or lake or ocean, and listen for the shushhh shushhhh of the water, and relax and think.  i think i'll walk diva, then re-walk myself.  the woods are welcoming today.

Thursday, November 08, 2012

it's about finding your passion, and honing your skills - day after day, perfecting, practicing, getting better, feeling it become your skin.  it's about taking your passion and unleashing it...using it to change the world - and changing the world can mean planting a beautiful garden that makes people smile, or painting a masterwork or stopping a war - any ripple is a change...and it's about doing this because you are compelled to, no matter what the outcome - it's not about the outcome, it's about the process, the passion, the absolute need to do that thing that haunts you to do it...because in the perfecting, the daily ritual of the practice, people are still being touched by it at the level that it needs to be in order to meet them where they are.  That's what it's about.
Wishing you the courage to know your passion, to speak your passion and make it alive...and to begin.

Wednesday, November 07, 2012

postie #2

some days are easier than others.  so far, this one is both.  it is easier to think just for one, especially when that one you are thinking for has a huge list of things that need to be Eulerized and accomplished and checked off a very long list, and does not need other odd-shaped things added to it.  they won't fit.  This morning I woke up with the most unbelievable idea for an assemblage in my head and was able to capture it and grow it to fully-formed.  now to get it from my imagination to reality!  but first, so many details of things dangling dangling dangling...so many gotta do's, which is fine because they are taking me to places where i like to go to see faces that make me smile, and maybe a pile of free stuff for art making!  fingers crossed for the right stuff to appear today!
wishing you a day of deep exhales...

from Brian Andreas

Rules for making the world: 1. Stand up & do the...

Tuesday, November 06, 2012

A Woman With An Elephant Heart.....
what a great day!  and it's only 7-something in the morning.  i awoke, stretched, and decided to lay there for a bit.  suddenly ideas ideas ideas began swirling around in my head...art ideas...that have been crowded out lately with the details of fundraising and this 'n' that...i listened to the tugging, and hit the studio, expecting a few false starts and frustrations, but no - my hands grabbed the wood icing and stencils and dremel tool and soon i was concocting.  such an incredible feeling.  i was afraid i would hit a long, dry spell, having dissed my worktable for so long.  but here we go!  so back to it for a few hours, then i'll check back with you!

Monday, November 05, 2012

sunny day

this is what I woke up to this morning....beautiful!  Thank you Jodie and Mary Ellen and Joslyn...Thank you for letting me play, and learn, and discover how strong I am, and how able I am...because I think that's what this whole thing was all about, actually *smile*   It had been so long since I trusted myself, or even knew myself, and even though it meant flat out laying on the floor exhaustion sometimes - i had to do it alone.  or i would never have known.  and now i know and can go forward with certainty in my steps again and plans in my heart and feeling that just-shy-of-headstrong determination that had been worn down.  i am reminded of a T-shirt from Jen Lee that says "Gentle Spirit, Badass M*F*" except the last word is all spelled out but i feel prudish this morning.  i get in my own way, and i noticed that during the process of creating an art show.  i get in my own way.  i noticed whenever my inner taskmaster took the whip, things just didn't feel as wrapped in love, or like they fit...those elements stood out, felt jangly.  and if i went back and redid them in the right spirit, then it was smooth.  but otherwise, it was like a speed bump on the autobahn.  when my focus fear was money, that's what failed.  when my focus fear was on a particular piece of art and whether or not to feature it - that's when it sold, or something came up to make me realize it was a fear, not a reality.  i am giving myself the day (partially) off.  this morning i'll send out emails to those who's artwork sold, and then make a roast for an overdue birthday dinner for husband.  other than that, my studio is lonesome and forlorn.  i think i'll make a Journal of Fears, so I can keep them contained.
I started reading Melody Ross' new book, A Little Bird Told Me.  I get her daily little bird emails, and this book is stunning.  you can't just sit down and read it through.  there are so many truths that hit you between the eyes, it would be overwhelming!  order one for yourself - you'll love it.
ok - off to relax-ish.  

here are some photo booth photos from the event:

and we did.

Sunday, November 04, 2012


i am exhausted...my feet are exhausted...my hair is even begging for a nap - and I just got up a short while ago.  But i'm totally amped about last night's art fundraiser!  People came out.  even our favorite Senator John DeFrancisco cam with his wife - 2 of the most gracious and lovely people ever placed on this earth, and total friends of the arts.  i hope to post some pictures soon...right now, i need more coffee!

Saturday, November 03, 2012

THE day

yes - it's THE day...i know you're all tired tired of hearing "fundraiser this" and "fundraiser that."  I know my husband sure is.  and has not hesitated to express this to me.  but sometimes you have to push through the babble and noise...sometimes you know what you know to be true and the absolute right thing, and you have to kick convention in the teeth and keep on...sometimes that path looks like The Absolute Wrong turn, but guess what?  it isn't.  you know in your gut that it's the right way, and you push through the scary bits and the tired parts and the areas where you are so overwhelmed you can't even cry, because in between there is such an amped-up gush of pure unadulterated LIFEFORCE and flow, that you move towards it - even if you are the only one that can see it...and you often are, because it's your path...yours.  and maybe along the way, someone will walk with you...someone who can also see what you see, or maybe they can't, but they believe in you enough to follow side-by-side, trusting in you and giving support.  maybe just maybe.  and maybe they start to see the glimmers and shimmers of light along the path that kicks up from your heels like moondance and sparkles.  and that, my friends, is where the magic is.
today i wish you courage to follow your gut, your heart...to dance with abandon in the sparkling reality of what you've always known...it's a marvelous night for a moondance, after all, no?

We need a letter that's like i & u together for when we're doing stuff like this, he said & I hugged him & said a lot of people want a letter like that.
-Brian Andreas (again!)

Thursday, November 01, 2012

Low-key mainly because she's got enough going on inside that she doesn't need more people around her ready to freak out at a moment's notice.
- Brian Andreas, StoryPeople

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

bonus post #2

just looking at this picture makes me weepy....


in my house, my name is Edgar

I need an Edgar today!  Caroline Szozda-McGowan and I spent many many MANY hours plotting out the show yesterday, and this morning I am still in my pink flannel pj's with the martini glasses and olives on them as i write this.  wicked, eh? Today, my calendar says "stop doing."  a day of floating nothingness I schedule in every 3 weeks.  however, i was wrong.  it is Halloween and I forgot to buy candy.  and since I am Edgar, it is my job :)

so let me tempt your eyes with some of the artwork we've prepared for selling!  Unless we all buy it before it hits the dance floor!
bracelets by Terry Handel.....

work by Cayetano Valenzuela, BJ Lantz, and Fred Wellner....

Phil Parsons, MB Shaw, and Sharon Bottle-Souva...

and THIS! I opened one of the boxes with artwork in it, and my FriendFriend Terry sent me WINGS and a WAND!  which i needed right then and there.  I haven't mastered short wings yet, and will admit that i had them on backwards at first, then got a wee bit stuck in them, but finally figured them out.  and the wand - sheesh - no brainer!  Thank you Terry, for the short wings, and for believing that I am a fairy.  (It's a hard sell).

and then I remembered another friend, Swirly, also believed in me...and I grew strong again, and less weepy and emotional. (even fairies have their moments when they are exhausted)

this may look like a random shot of a plant in my house, but au contraire.  It is visual proof of what can happen when you believe in yourself, and get a wee hand up at the right moment.  Sheila, the plant shown below, was a tiny scrubby not-so-beautiful little house plant that came in a dish garden.  I found her out by the trash can at my old job.  in the winter.  just her in her little mauve pot.  i brought her in and kept her warm and she was so grateful, that she continues to grow and grow.  she is super-deluxe huge now, as you can see...

now, you may be wondering what that masking tape square is on the lower right.  i will tell you.  it's a secret door.  once in a while, and especially in the winter, somehow little mice get into the house, inside the walls.  and there is a place where they get to a drop-off and it's the End Of The Road.  and that place is right where the masking tape is.  Bulimia cat will alert us that there is a visitor, and we remove him/her back to their normal outdoor environment.  It happens so frequently in the winter, that husband never fixed the sheet rock, since he'd have to keep cutting it anyway.  but look at that plant!

so i'm off to the printers - well after I get dressed, I think!

Saturday, October 27, 2012

more me!

part deux....here


a few posts back, i was freaking out because i felt i had nothing nada sheedoobie to give the gallery owner for the Very Important Show.  After the caffeine and Stella D'oro faux biscotti wore off, I realized that, duh, I had quite a bit of the exact work the gallery owner had asked me for.  It was a day of buying shots of panic all around.  i am calm now, and happy with the work i have lined up in front of me.  so now i am free to panic about the Storm.  Seriously? it's due to slam in on the very day I'm setting up the fundraiser show.  I am a block away from the Lake.  well, at least it's an uphill block!
stay warm, safe and dry everyone.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

ahh - the light of day

it dawns all golden and fall-like and a bit lower in the sky than I'm used to, and with comes this run-on sentence and a new perspective.  after a day laying about slack-jawed and unable to move, feeling the effects of Octoberous Torporous Disease,  and a side case of overwhelm, I went to bed after the final repeating show of Restaurant Impossible that my eye was watching but my brain built a wall to keep out (thank you brain).  when the eye, hungry for candy, woke the brain up this morning, it re-looked at the work assembled for the Very Important Show, and said "hey, i like it."  so it was the brain putting pressure on the mind, after all.  silly brain.  so today i will distract it with music!  and while it tries to figure out the words to those hip hop songs on my iPod, the hands will make beauty with the beholder's eye.  until a webinar at 1pm, but i can be in my PJ's for that.  it seems once i get dressed, i want to head out and go somewhere or do something Not Work Related, so for me, it's best to stay pajama-clad with an apron over it, until noon anyway.  makes for an awkward moment when the FedEx guy comes, but he must see it all.  maybe i'll answer in my tutu some day.  why waste a good look, right?  tiara, tutu.  i still got it.
In other news, the Random Acts of Magic site is getting closer to being real!  wait till you see!  Just wait!

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

oh! it's me!

lookie here!


having the worst time trying to just FOCUS and get some artwork made...throughout all the calamity that is my life, I have a Very Important Show of my own coming up, and have been stressing about doing some new 3D work.  I've been painting for so long now, and the gallery owner had expressly asked only for my 3D assemblage work, and some talisman jewelry to go along with some 2D work she's showing as well.  two years ago when she booked me, she asked specifically only for this.  2 years ago.  and I've done some stuff, but your eye changes, and style changes, and the things you thought were so deep and meaningful now look like schlock, so you try to make MORE but there's nothing that appeals and soon look at the shiny object soon it's time to set up the show oh a little bird and you just aren't happy about any of it but time's up.  so to the artists participating in the fundraiser - i do know deeply what you are feeling. but time's up - send it in.  and maybe i'll focus better when i'm not so multi-minded.  that's truly possible, but cutting it awfully short, with 2 major holidays, plus my birthday, and a weekend away to hang with Seth Apter in NYC,  so i'm pulling out all stops and calling on any & all Helpers that I can think of to get focus and inspiration and to help find more actual shiny objects to stick on the assemblages i need to make a dozen of.  that i assured the gallery owner i had sitting nearly complete and staring at me.  yes, i lied, because she had a certain strained sound to her voice that i now recognize...that "please-tell-me-you-will-not-mess-my-life-up-by-not-having-work-done" sort of straining tone with a under-tone of "I Will Make Your Life Uninhabitable," and floral notes of "I Will End My Own Life As I Know It Today-just walk out the door and into the desert to live in an adobe hut with a well and septic and make clay pots and grow dredlocks and wear long skirts and water buffalo moccasins."  just thinking off the cuff here, but as she kindly asked about my progress, and if i had, indeed, remembered the show (as if an opportunity like this comes every day!) as she inquired, it was as if a giant movie screen appeared and i saw all these things (well, not really, but i say this all for dramatic effect) clacking from the reel, and i felt so deeply a kinship with her, as we are both in the same position in our lives, except i am also in the position of being the liar.  it makes me wonder if she is in a show somewhere with a hard deadline too.  now that would be super creepy.  hunh, and guess what?  the deadline remains, despite me taking time to write about it.  darn.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

hurry hurry hurry

i am having a love affair.  yup.  tis true.  with wood icing, Stencil Girl stencils, and Mary Beth Shaw.  Can't get enough of any of them :)
Mr. StencilGirl was very polite, too, though I wondered what he had heard.

But really now - go try these stencils and wood icing!  the stencils are heavier than most, and can stand up to some good molding paste or icing.  The wood icing is an amazing product - it holds it's shape and is paintable, sandable and tastes great!  (NO - I LIED ABOUT "TASTES GREAT" ...do not eat it. feh.  poo. do not eat)

there's been a gentle theme running through my day-to-day for the past few months...tugging at my sleeve, gently caressing my forehead, and occasionally running up behind me with cymbals.  funny about things like that...they just keep at you like a woodpecker until you think to yourself, "ohhh - right...hmmm."  and then, just like that, the heat really gets turned on.  no excuses.  no looking away.  no preoccupation or procrastination.  trust me.  so my theory has always been that for many, there are many paths to take in life...you may start out on one, complete that journey, then move to the next.  rinse and repeat.  i had forgotten that i knew that though, until Sue turned me onto an amazing book by Stephen Cope, and within pages I was underlining, gasp, and writing notes in the margins.  i am on a deep think to find my new journey.  living life as it comes day-to-day, but devoting big blocks of quiet time to see what the next Next is.  i think i know, and it's probably obvious to anyone who knows me.  but being built the way i am, i need to know how to make it work before i leap in.  and that is just how i am.  i've been beehive busy with the fundraiser forEVAH but it will soon be come-and-gone, and that will leave me with just 1 more uber-important deadline of my own, but plenty of plotting time.  i will give you a hint:  it involves a workshop that will not change your life...but reveal it.  good, yes?

Saturday, October 20, 2012

finding your calling

ever since i chucked my Big Girl job almost 2 years ago, I have had people ask me how I knew it was the right decision, or that they were going to do the same and make art all day and eat glitter sprinkles on chocolate cupcake dreams la la la.  not to be Debbie Downer, but that's not at all how days go. even eliminating a bulimic cat and spoiled dog with dementia from the equation, most days can run like today - it's almost 10am, i am still in my bathrobe - because I got up at 4:45am and started work.  on a saturday.  after working til 11pm last night. and didn't want to stop just to shower, get dressed, etc.  i live in an area that's far away enough to discourage drop-ins, and am crabby enough to just not answer the door/phone if i'm not expecting someone.  (don't try it - i won't answer). i have a deadline, and while that may sound sexy and appealing to some, it's a hair-pulling stress ride for me, despite carefully mapping every second of my days for the past, oh, two years.   there are moments, long moments, and daydreams, of waking up & slamming down coffee while walking the dog & simultaneously blow drying my hair AND shoveling 1' of snow off the car, then going into a cubicle in corporate America USA to type, collate and otherwise degrade my brain cells and my Self.  and i'm going to be honest with you right here, right now - i did make mewing noises at the door to my old job last week.  i wanted them to laugh and say "HIRE?? YOU?? BACK??"  but at the same time, the relief i felt at the thought of giving up control of the ship was startling.  And if my body was able, boy, I'd be rowing my dinghy to that freighter and latching on.  but alas, it is Q4 and no one hires in Q4.  And I ran into a blog by Lissa Rankin (not only an unbelievable encaustic artist, gynecologist, Woman's Woman).  and in this post, she talks about 7 myths about finding your calling.  and it bears a few moments reading.  especially if you want to leave the desk and Swingline behind.  ummm yeah, uh, i'm going to need you to just go ahead and watch this now...

anyway...it isn't all gloom & doom, I'm just tired and exhausted.  and have many many more hours to go.  3 projects being juggled right now.  but i come from a circus family, so that's just about right.  (you never knew?  yep - dad worked the carnival circuit for a while, while he was Finding His Calling FOR REAL this happened.  and my brother went to SF to circus school and also worked at Circus Vargas Traveling Menagerie very briefly).  maybe I'll run away and join the circus...do gypsy crystal ball readings.  hmmmmm.....

Friday, October 19, 2012

smoking is healthy

ok - post #2
smoking is healthy.  it's true.  when i smoked, my cholesterol was perfect, my weight was perfect.  my pulse, stress level, concentration...check check check perfect.  i am now 6 months into this quitting thing, and my annual physical revealed cholesterol levels that are way off, shortness of breath that is wheezy and un-funny, the concentration of a gnat with ADD and an espresso IV, and an ass the size of Arkansas.  I'm just sayin.  "they" have been wrong before.  i mean check out the NEW food pyramid, which is upside down from what it was when we were kids.  that's a big uh oh.  and i say all this here knowing full well that it's not the smoking (or non-smoking) it's the Entemann's and Dunkins.  and lattes.  i think.

eye eye eye

I just love these!  I have a pair coming in green.  which are lovely.   and remind me of a call I took when I worked at an insurance company...an older Russian man called, complaining that his prosthetic eye had broken and he took it to one of the "approved" repair places, but they "wanted to charge an arm and a leg."  I know - bad me.  but there are so many things like this every single day.  Today is my brother's birthday.  I was upset because I wanted to throw him a supercalifragilistic 50th birthdaay party, and couldn't.  there was no money, and he had to work and I didn't have time to plan the audacious fete that he deserves....and, as he informed me, he was turning 51.  oy.  no one in my family is ever sure how old they really are, but he seems certain, so there you have it.  every single one of my aunts and uncles and my dad, too, lied about their ages.  we never knew how old dad was.  ok, so i'm rambling right off the top.  it's been a rambling day, though.  productive, but seemingly random.  i will be spending the better part of tomorrow making labels for artwork, and trying to figure out transportation for a gi-normous piece that came in.  and next wednesday and friday, i have a guest post going up at Create Mixed Media.  maybe I'll learn brain surgery in my off time.
sleep well, dahlinks.  i'll keep an eye out for you.

just guess!

as a reward to myself for all this intensity, I am headed to NYC to meet up with my girlfriend and attend this workshop:
I plan to travel a lot more this coming year, as I am able.  There is so much going on in my body that is saying NO, that i have to say Really? HA!  and just do it.  so I am.  at least for this day.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

this could be reaching or it could be drowning, depending on whether you've got a tendency to worry

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

these days, so so many people starting the cycle again...the "just leap" cycle....the assurance that you too can live the life of your dreams...that if you just believe it, it will happen.  it reminds me of a church i used to go to that would preach "name it and claim it" faith - if you believed hard enough and had strong enough faitth, then God would heal you or find a husband for you or that dream job or or or whatever.  If it didn't happen, then you didn't have enough faith.  so many people caught in the web of send me money and i'll tell you how to make your dreams come true - if it doesn't work, then well, you didn't try hard enough or missed a step somewhere.  send me more money and take workshop #2 or prayer chain to heaven or or or.  I say this - for free - do what you have the stomach to do...what does your gut say?  what risk are you able to take without a breakdown?  what are you willing to risk losing?    if you are willing to risk it all - your home, your life-as-you-know-it, then go for the big one - do it all.  if you need the certainty of a roof and warm food, then plan ahead for a way to keep those things - wait & save enough to cover those expenses.  yes it sucks to work all corporate when your heart is singing songs of paint and splatter, but food and warmth are nice too.  I try to stay positive, but it just isn't my nature, so i'll say that i have really truly come to dislike the Dream Peddlers...those who want to sell you your own dreams...those who gloss over the realities of your own life and make everything wrapped in chocolate and glitter - just to pay their own bills.  sorry - this isn't the way you hoped to wake up, but i had two separate emails waiting for my coffee to open my eyes this morning.  both of them aimed at tugging my heart to talk to my brain softly and beg it to hand over a sum of money to be shown The Way.  know this: that just because a person is an artist, a crafter, a blog friend, a facebook friend, a church friend does not mean they won't take your money under grey-ish circumstances. and don't get me wrong - i think the age of miracles is still going strong...i believe there are those who will stand up in the middle of a power point and say "ENOUGH," and grab some free office supplies and go home forever.  and a year or two later, they'll be on Letterman hawking their new book or having their work ensconced in the Smithsonian or whatever.  but be careful from whom you take your lessons.  be very judgmental about who you will entrust to teach you how to get your dreams off the ground.  and there is a lot to learn before you leap, or while you are flapping off the edge.  my strong advice has always been to learn while someone else is paying you - night classes, meetings with support crew and accountants to learn how to set up your files and banking, investigating at least two suppliers for every material you need (trust me here), while you are still sitting at the corporate dinner table.  this is off track again.  my point is, don't wake me up to shine a light in my eyes unless there's a fire...i think it is wrong wrong wrong of  someone to base their living around talking you into choices that are not right for you, or are not the right timing for you.  and then when the poop hits the fan, they can step out of the way because you are an adult and should know your own boundaries and limitations and risk quotients and slide rulers and projections.  it will never be on them, as they count their money.  i really think i should drink decaf in the morning.  okay - you're on your own.

Monday, October 15, 2012

my friends

In the next chunk of time i have to call my own, I will be stripping down my website and re-doing it in The Coolest way!  I'm moving stuff, changing other stuff, and will have a section devoted to art by my friends.  Is that not the best, I ask?  There are so many fabulous people I know who make The Best Artwork - stuff I'd spend mortgage money on.  So why not share?  I'll feature each for a month, then pffft gone, so buy quick if you like...see it, like it, buy it.  Bam.  watch for it.


I have determined that, despite a very long number of days away making art and prancing about in a tutu, i need an art retreat.  I am thinking about a weekend at my brother's hotel, complete with spa services.  my vision is to being knitting and embroidery only.  there are far too many choices banging on my studio door begging to be picked.  i would enjoy the meditative quality of embroidery, and knitting would be okay too - portability is the word for the day.  Although, it's almost time for Mr. Bear Grylls husband to go to his He-Man Woman Hatin' huntin' camp for many weekends, so i may just host an art party here.  no spa treatments, but no packing.  or worries about bed bugs.  which i was worried about til i realized i had changed shampoos and this one was not agreeing with me.  but you can imagine the freak out.  absolutely pathological.  ok today is supposed to be a day to just make some art. i have a Very Important Show in january, and need to make oh, 10-15 pieces for it.  in between all the other.  and poochie is vomiting again.  let's hope that's random.  The floor looks fabulous - husband finished the hardwoods in the bedroom! gorgeous.  and bulimia cat is having a riot racing into the room and skidding on the area rugs.  dorky cat that he/she is.  okay - time to get my monday on.
"welcome to the working week....I know it don't thrill you, I hope it don't kill you..."
from Elvis Costello

Friday, October 12, 2012

quietly confident and extremely joyful BAM!

from Brave Girls....

Last week, I learned that I am lovable.  so now i tell YOU - you are most lovable too.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

post #2

geez - nothing nothing nothing then BAM! two posts in one daypart!  so here is The picture that started it all.......

yes.  that is me being a fairy.  the kind that grants wishes, not the tooth kind.  i was promoted from forest fairy, which, as you know, is a huge honor and i took my duties very seriously.  mostly.  and something interesting you may not know is that never not ever should you give alcohol to a promoted forest fairy.  hunh.  who knew? many wishes were granted in CT, and there are many more that are on the way but needed a little more time to germinate.  Judi - you did not get what you specifically asked for because there is something better coming and fairies can't always control the mail and such, so do not add this to your list of Things That Never Work Out For Me Because I'm Not Special Enough.  You are More Than Special, and that is the cause of the delay.  much discussion around this one.   and-  i never realized quite how curious and how unbelieving humans are - the number one question asked was: where are your wings?  and i have to say How Rude because never not once did i say Where Are Your Legs, yet you were clearly standing there in front of me, right?  but had you looked, i was hovering, so there you have it.  Rudeness forgiven, but in looking for the obvious, you missed the magical bits.  I spent a day with an Australian woman and an English woman (from England!) and  began to talk like them for a while.  It's bloody fun, mate, try it!  you can say an outrageous thing, and it sounds like whipped cream and cherries.  like "Oh those bloomers don't suit you in the least!"  and the person laughs.  i didn't say that, but it's an example.  I also met a woman named Linda (different Linda) who makes dolls, although the truth is, they are vessels for fairies who don't want to take a human form with all it's management and upkeep.  they are beautiful-ish, and she gifted me my very own Glorious!  she will be helping with a Large Fun Project i have on the middle burner.  i have a lot of cooking going on, believe me.  i never knew wish granting would be so busy.

a little something

Tuesday, October 09, 2012

where in the world...???

have I been???  in Connecticut.  making art.  and although i just got in the door, i need a nap, food, and i have to help husband finish the hardwood floor in our bedroom before i can debrief here.  bt be assured that i have some tales to tell and some ExCiTiNg news!

Monday, October 01, 2012

monday post #2

Can I just say that I know the most wonderful people ever created.  not some - all.  I am totally gobsmacked on a regular basis with their generosity, caring, kindness, creative expression, and general immense capacity to find the best that life has to offer and fling it around for everyone to share.

i believe that's all i have to say right now.
click to enlarge

Sunday, September 30, 2012

out of the closet

yep.  i'm outting myself.  as a chubby girl.  i was talking to a friend the other night, and she said it just felt so delicious once she realized she would never be thin again - not the kind of thin that shows up in magazines.  not the kind of thin that she and I once were, that's nearly impossible to maintain with the help of major blocks of workout time, minor portions of food, and prescription help.  yes.  we wore size zero.  nothing.  zero.  is that even a size? but as life and age and circumstance and quitting bad habits and forming other good habits and so many twists and turns came and went - we became chubby girls.  and we both realized at the same time that it was pointless to pretend otherwise...pointless to try to be size 2-wearing 20 year olds.  we simply aren't, and that thought is so ridiculous that i'm laughing out loud right now.  here, wait.  ok, better.  there has been so so much in-between that there is no holding on to that 20-year old ideal.  even 20-year olds don't hold it.  and there really is so much more going on.  so anyway, back to the conversation with my friend.  she said she felt giddy and kept calling herself "chubby" when she talked to people.  and she realized that "this must be what a gay person feels when they admit to the world their big secret."  and in both cases, didn't people already guess??  so yes, we outted each other, laughed our asses off, and had a Skinny Cow ice cream.  because I still have 1000 of them in the fridge.  and they are good.  the sad thing is that since i stopped watching what i eat and relaxed on the whole weight issue - my new chubby girl pants don't fit so good now.  they are a bit large.  and i'm worried that i'll start losing weight before i get to wear all my new Lane Bryant stuff.  is it ever just easy??

Friday, September 28, 2012

i know - my posting has been random, rambling and super uninteresting.  it has been a rambling, random and super uninteresting but highly explosive few weeks for me, and i've been trying to limit the casualties - my blog being one of them, but y'all know that i am a creature of habit, and can't help myself.  i just can't.  so life has swung from beautiful and introspective, to some sort of wild carnival ride that no one is tending.  and i know from what i speak, having been stuck on the Scrambler with my cousin barfing all over me and the ride operator (fresh from incarceration, no doubt) chatting up some chickie and not paying attention till the cold slap of something wet-and-not-his finally made target with his arm, side, best shoes, and the general public in line.  But i digress.
my life has been consumed with planning the upcoming fundraiser.  and haunting Lane Bryant.  I leave for a week of art retreating next wednesday, and am like a kid who's been told too early that the family is going to Disney.  i am mostly packed, supply-wise, and have no idea what to bring clothing-wise.  i can't find my fall/winter clothes, and suspect most of them won't fit.  last winter the tags said "8" or "10."  and it's so bizarre working on a fundraiser for an eating disorder resource center because i worry that i have a disorder, rather than a concern (because i may be a nervous freak, but don't think i have an eating disorder, but what do i know?) and worry that any mention of it will set off an alarm somewhere - sort of like having an afternoon hanging out with a priest or a psychic...everytime i talk about my weight or sizes, i think they might throw me into therapy.  much like it feels like the priest or psychic can see your soul, so you have to be careful, which is as hard for me as spending time with little kids - they repeat everything, and by the end of the day, you just want to stand on a chair, and in your loudest outdoor voice scream the "F" word at the top of your lungs just to let off steam.  and i love words.  all words. and their origins and ideas they convey and how inflection and context can make a difference and how a person's background and upbringing can make a difference in how a word is perceived or received. (i've had no upbringing, so have a clean slate).  words are alive and like an art supply to me.  Like George Carlin said, "there are no bad words. Bad People, bad intention.  But words are just words."  and yet i don't want to offend with talk of weight and size and former size, when i'm with people who may be nervous about that line of conversation.  so here, in my own forum, where i write the words and rules, i will tell you this: being fat is disappointing to me, yet I haven't felt this free in years.  ahhh.  there.  i said it.  yes - i look at pictures of myself when i was thinner and wish for it again, but pointing my day around eating the "right" food and working out and counting calories and weighing myself and and and...it was exhausting and nerve-wracking.  and i am not at all fooled by those 100-calorie packs of snacks with big pictures and microscopic cookies the size of a contact lens. and if the science is correct, the stress of it all probably loosened up enough cortisol to increase my waistline by another 4 inches.  i feel happier and sadder.  it is a relief to stop trying to fight menopause and quitting smoking and metabolism and heredity just to fit into last year's (week's??) jeans.  and my fear of not finding stylish clothes for a larger size has been blown away, so now i can relax a bit.  do i plan to eat all the cake in all the northeast?  no.  but i will have a slice when i want it and not think a single thing about it.  other than "Damn! this is good!" and it is true that i really don't enjoy seeing pictures of myself.  it is true that i see the chubby cheeks and the jowls and the jacked-up teeth (thanks to a really bad dentist who finally retired before i could stalk him down) and the tired eyes...i could go on all day.  but the weird thing about all these words is that they are not internalized to the depth you may think.  i am still the same person i was in those "skinny" pictures....i am still the same person i was when my tags had single digits.  but the responses i get from people have changed.  things that i would say when i was thinner / younger / whateverer get a much different response.  it's almost like wearing a costume...you forget that people can't tell who it is behind the eyes.  i am inside looking out - you are outside, seeing my body, my face, etc.  as we talk.  I don't think about the perception people may have of fat people - they should be jolly or mean or grateful that you want to be their friend, pick one.  so if i'm being coy...who do i think i am?? fat people are not sexy.  they are sloppy and over-indulgent and don't care enough about themselves to....lose weight.  just lose weight.  so on behalf of myself - my fat, over-50 self - i would like to say this: I am beautiful because it is my heart and spirit that will transcend...i have fought LifeBattles that bear listening to...i have wisdom you may need...i will accept you - even if you're skinny :)
and that is my post for today.  how we ended up here, i will never begin to figure out.  i was going to write about puppies.  but i know that there is someone that needed a grain of what was in there today...someone who needs to stop looking in the mirror in the bathroom, and turn out the lights, close their eyes and take a deep breath and smile - make yourself smile, and hold that position for a few minutes until it isn't forced...and then just listen to what your heart has to say to you, sweet one, because i promise you - yes, it's you i'm talking to - i promise that it is okay and that you are exactly who you need to be for your Place here, your Direction...there is a reason for the darkness and it will be clear in hindsight...but you do indeed have a purpose, and that purpose needs you to be exactly.who.you.are.today.  warts and all.  yes, you can call. but do the smile thing first.