Friday, April 29, 2011
last night, my mother told me she was getting up at 4am to watch the royal wedding. that's my mom! being Canadian, she has the monarchy mindset. so, when i awoke at 4:50am this morning, i flicked on CNN and soon grew transfixed with all the hoopla. (don't tell anyone). The most memorable moment for me was not the outrageous hats or gilded coaches, but the sermon given by the Bishop of London. I remember thinking he was a very personable man, with none of the affectation others in his position may choose. he was warm, and funny, and genuine. the kind of Bishop you'd hang with by a campfire. and his sermon was so beautiful, that i lifted it from the royal website and left it here for you to share: The Bishop of London's Sermon 29th April 2011 “Be who God meant you to be and you will set the world on fire.” So said St Catherine of Siena whose festival day it is today. Marriage is intended to be a way in which man and woman help each other to become what God meant each one to be, their deepest and truest selves. Many are full of fear for the future of the prospects of our world but the message of the celebrations in this country and far beyond its shores is the right one – this is a joyful day! It is good that people in every continent are able to share in these celebrations because this is, as every wedding day should be, a day of hope. In a sense every wedding is a royal wedding with the bride and the groom as king and queen of creation, making a new life together so that life can flow through them into the future. William and Catherine, you have chosen to be married in the sight of a generous God who so loved the world that he gave himself to us in the person of Jesus Christ. And in the Spirit of this generous God, husband and wife are to give themselves to each another. A spiritual life grows as love finds its centre beyond ourselves. Faithful and committed relationships offer a door into the mystery of spiritual life in which we discover this; the more we give of self, the richer we become in soul; the more we go beyond ourselves in love, the more we become our true selves and our spiritual beauty is more fully revealed. In marriage we are seeking to bring one another into fuller life. It is of course very hard to wean ourselves away from self-centredness. And people can dream of doing such a thing but the hope should be fulfilled it is necessary a solemn decision that, whatever the difficulties, we are committed to the way of generous love. You have both made your decision today – “I will” – and by making this new relationship, you have aligned yourselves with what we believe is the way in which life is spiritually evolving, and which will lead to a creative future for the human race. We stand looking forward to a century which is full of promise and full of peril. Human beings are confronting the question of how to use wisely a power that has been given to us through the discoveries of the last century. We shall not be converted to the promise of the future by more knowledge, but rather by an increase of loving wisdom and reverence, for life, for the earth and for one another. Marriage should transform, as husband and wife make one another their work of art. It is possible to transform as long as we do not harbour ambitions to reform our partner. There must be no coercion if the Spirit is to flow; each must give the other space and freedom. Chaucer, the London poet, sums it up in a pithy phrase: “Whan maistrie [mastery] comth, the God of Love anon, Beteth his wynges, and farewell, he is gon.” As the reality of God has faded from so many lives in the West, there has been a corresponding inflation of expectations that personal relations alone will supply meaning and happiness in life. This is to load our partner with too great a burden. We are all incomplete: we all need the love which is secure, rather than oppressive, we need mutual forgiveness, to thrive. As we move towards our partner in love, following the example of Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit is quickened within us and can increasingly fill our lives with light. This leads to a family life which offers the best conditions in which the next generation can practise and exchange those gifts which can overcome fear and division and incubate the coming world of the Spirit, whose fruits are love and joy and peace. I pray that all of us present and the many millions watching this ceremony and sharing in your joy today, will do everything in our power to support and uphold you in your new life. And I pray that God will bless you in the way of life that you have chosen, that way which is expressed in the prayer that you have composed together in preparation for this day: God our Father, we thank you for our families; for the love that we share and for the joy of our marriage. In the busyness of each day keep our eyes fixed on what is real and important in life and help us to be generous with our time and love and energy. Strengthened by our union help us to serve and comfort those who suffer. We ask this in the Spirit of Jesus Christ. Amen. Go start that fire....within.
at 10:16 AM
Thursday, April 28, 2011
ok enough already...3 straight days of thunder & lightning has driven diva to the very precipice of a nervous breakdown. i have a call into the vet for puppy Prozac, as one more storm will just do her in. it is heartbreaking to see her pant and panic, and Uncle Bill & I try to comfort her, to no avail. we turn up the TV and close the curtains, but she has a sense about things. she's barometrically sensitive. she freaks out long before SkyTracker knows there's a blip in the jet stream. we tried ignoring her panic, thinking she'd see how calm and unconcerned we were about the angels bowling. nothing helps. she's just terrified. and it's cute to watch kitten try to comfort her... as much as diva has given her nothing but growls and rebuffs, kitten stays by her and tries to get her to play. maybe it's comfort, maybe taunting, who knows. but even that isn't working. and then the inevitable morning-after shadowing. she will not leave my side. so i feel so deeply terrible for her. she was never afraid of thunder until she saw Kita melt down with the first boomer. (it was a blessing when his hearing went). i suppose there is a life lesson here about the legacy we leave...the ripple we start...with our thoughts, words, attitudes. i get it, but don't have time to light a candle and breathe in that lesson, as i am too busy carrying around a 25-pound barrel of panting, drooling, quivering mass of flying fur. i am grateful that she had a dental cleaning recently or her breath would have wiped out a generation of humans in this house. this morning's weather map was just plain ugly, so i dragged her out from her hidey spot and down to the park we went before the whole thunder/fear sequence began in earnest. luckily, my neighbors are used to seeing me walk down the street in pj's and a raincoat like an aging derelict. and that act must have caused a neener neener reaction to the storm front blowing towards us, and the rain went elsewhere before it hit. so i'm off to shower and get dressed, then finish what we started at the park. tonight i have the extreme pleasure of collaging with Noma Bliss. great name...huge talent. have been ticking off the hours & minutes for weeks! Uncle Bill will have to take over compassionate duty.
at 10:38 AM
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
i don't claim to know everything, but i have had some experience in some issues that, when they occur, would make you turn immediately to me for advice. as in - this could only happen to Linda...i'll call her. and the thing is, you would think that after learning a particular lesson, i would be able to recall the end result and apply it to other similar experiences about to occur. you would be wrong. take for instance the absolute fact that diva will only feel calm-ish in the tub, should thunder occur. i don't question it, and in the middle of the night when a thunderstorm hits, you'll find me sleeping in the bathroom with her ... she in the tub, me on the cool tile floor. the hard, cool tile floor. because she is my love and i am a freak. so you would think that just before i applied hair color this afternoon, and heard the thunder and saw the cowering fluffball at my feet, you'd think that i would connect the inevitable dots and realize that the minute i needed the tub to rinse the color out, she would need the tub to feel safe. you would be wrong, had you thought that. and for a few minutes, just before the color dripped into my eye, as i bent over the cool porcelain with the handheld shower thingie rinsing out color and creating about 3 inches of water the color of Garnier Brown Sugar it all seemed fine. then i felt something on my right side, and heard SpLaSh. it's a coin toss who was more surprised. but, my white dog was getting brownish around the hemline, and i was helpless to stop her from jumping out and running to another spot of safety. it was easy to find her 10 minutes later as i dripped now-rinsed hair through the house. i just followed the footprints. to the closet. on top of the dry cleaner bag. yes. grateful, in a sense, that we haven't yet changed out the Very Brady avocado shag carpet, but seeing that the area just outside the bathroom was now Buttercream AND Brown Sugar was just so much sad. and you certainly can't blame the dog. but i really wished there was someone else to blame besides myself. yes. the cat was having none of it, taking a luxurious spit bath and wondering how i would clean this one up. water seemed to spread it, and there was still the issue of containing the damages, since at any moment, the paws could panic and race around the house again. so i tell you, it is not a savings to color your hair at home. that sense of satisfaction - a myth. and now i'm afraid to spray anything on it, lest it mix with the color chemicals and blow up the house. learn from this.
at 4:27 PM
Monday, April 25, 2011
eek yike really? has it been that long since i posted?? well, my apologies. so much and so little has been happening, it's hard to keep up. where to start? okay - first, a luscious, juicy book you must own. MUST. i sat in B&N hugging it, trying to decide if i should sit there for 3 hours in the parking lot reading it and drooling like some woman who lives in her car, or race through grocery shopping to get home to read it & pet it. i went with choice #2. mistake. every person in my zip code was shopping. EVERY. but i made it. and i highly prize this book. it came to it's forever home with me just in time...i've been working like Gepetto on jewelry for some upcoming shows/festivals, and haven't touched a single drop of collagination since the gallery show. this has me feeling that nagging out-of-sorts kinda feeling, but just a little bit, like i want to clone myself so i can make this jewelry AND collage. i feel like i was growing so much in that work, and now feel like "gel medium? what's that again?" But i'm hoping to start slapping some paint around very soon. i have to say that a combination of factors have wizarded their way into my life, and marriage-wise....it is what i wished for 10 years ago. yes i said that. we are together a lot, and not killing each other. we are talking....actually talking. i think the level of respect has risen considerably, and the appreciation for each other abounds. i am ever grateful for the time i have working as an artist, and not hearing or feeling any pushback or pressure. this has me swooning. i cannot tell you how very very sad it was to live in this house the past bunch of years. but it was. and i don't say that for pity or sainthood. i am glad i listened to my inner voice that told me to stay, even as i looked at houses and apartments and made plans to leave and bought coffee makers and tupperware and sheets and spoons and hid them elsewhere. and even as friends probably tired of the stay/go/stay cycle of my life, i couldn't move one way or the other until i had peace about the decision. and neither felt right. so what's a person to do? but i'm here and happy and diva's happy. so why am i feeling a twinge of "out of sorts?" it's gets lonesome sometimes. i'm used to being in a group of people, no matter how annoying they are, or i am to them. there is always a coffee break. there is always a joke to tell. there is always someone working next to me to listen to the sound of their voice. as much as i am grateful beyond grateful for where my life is now, i am pretty much alone all day. and that gets distracting. and i find myself getting too far into my own head at times. there's a lot to be said for a random Hello call from a friend, or a chatty email. there really is. no, i'm not anywhere in the Depression Zone. just in need of mindless conversation from time to time. or even juicy and deep conversation. i'll even do your laundry if you stay & chat. my house has never been this clean. the laundry has never been this up-to-date. folded and put away. yes. i said that. the dog has been walked to within an inch of her life. the cat runs when s/he sees me. i long for our old landline so i can talk to telemarketers. okay, now you know i'm totally exaggerating, right? it's just a rainy day, with a husband on a rare out-of-town trip to a fabulous Adirondack town. and i'm 1 shade of light blue, but have a billion things to do, so shouldn't be wasting your time with this monologue. the short version is: i am good. better than good. reading this blog does not constitute keeping in touch. i miss you. i'm excited for things about to happen. my diva is yowling like the little wolf she is, and i have to go throw Squeaky Mouse With The Light Up Eyes before that dog explodes. current favorite tea: Constant Comment yummm! listening to BB King, Aztec 2-step and Aerosmith. Trying not to listen to Jonatha Brooke, as it would make me homesicky.
at 7:29 PM
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
didja ever wake up on your bathroom floor and wonder, "how the hell did i get here??" yeah, well, add to that, a terrified diva dog who feels comfort only when her quaking little furbody is laying across your head. the origin of the saying "hair of the dog" no doubt. well, among the things that frighten poor diva (and the list is endless), among those items, under "t" is thunder. and last night out of the blue, with no warning, around 2am REM-sleep time, there was an explosion, of sorts, in the sky. 1 loud BANG right over our house. huge bang. the house shook kind of bang. like, who's got the meth lab, loud bang. no rain. no nothing spritzing. just bang and FLASH. so it was the flash/bang that got her going. uncle Bill was so sweet with her, trying to soothe her nerves (i could have told him he was in for the long haul) but she was not to be calmed. after about 15 minutes, the rain finally caught up, bringing lesser attempts of thunder & lightning, so any promises of "all gone" were seen for the sham that they were. so after an hour, i did the only thing i knew would help...grabbed my pillow and her woobie, and followed her to the bathroom, where she promptly jumped into the tub and cowered. (sidenote: who the heck design a house with a skylight right over the toilet?? i do not want to be found charbroiled in the tinkletorium).) i settled down for a nice comfy sleep on the tiles. i was too tired to bother with any padding, having quite enough natural waddle to cushion anything. bath sheets and an extra bathrobe for blankets. and i was tired enough to fall into a nice sleep. and for many short hours, it worked, despite the clawless cat trying to wear a hole in the door to see what the party was about. it almost worked. till the "angels bowling" really turned competitive. and around 4am, diva had to pee. it seemed quiet, so we headed to the door, she bolted out, heard a boom, turned tail and ran back in. i tried the old, "let's go out front" trick, as if it's all different weather out there. and it was working till 1 little paw touched driveway, and a blinding flash scurried her back in. i begged her to just go tinkle in the garage, but she is a Good Girl. so i feel for her, but can't help. right now, we're in the livingroom with the chocolate brown velvet curtains drawn tight to keep the flash out, and the tv on to try to block out some boomers, but they are persistant. the weather report is ugly. i will be cleaning carpet today, i have no doubt. and can i say this? as awesome as Uncle Bill was with little diva who torments his very life, one of the first things he did from a dead sleep was grab the remote and check the weather channel. for real. and remarked that there was nothing showing on the map. as if we were having a communal dream/nightmare, possibly from the chicken i made last night that may have been a tad undercooked. just a few degrees maybe. but enough to induce heartburn and cramping. so maybe it was a blessing that i was already in the bathroom, just in case. the local weather map shows it may be ending soon. i say "feh" and will believe it when i see it. and for the record, and apropos of nothing...if i see that incredibly annoying & poorly written Arby's commercial 1 more time....
Monday, April 18, 2011
ok - maybe i'm getting old, or maybe i just love Chai so much, i was willing to try to choke down oatmeal that was Chai Spice in order to get a chai fix, but... i tried this Chai Spiced Oatmeal and i am hooked. an addict. got to have it. the oatmeal itself is a good consistency - no wallpaper pastey stuff, no drippy, icky stuff. perfect. and i love that the envelope is also the measuring container for the water! and that they have sugar-free options. and that the flavors are Just Right - i don't feel like i'm eating some candy-coated mess. (i mean, come on...a chocolate covered sticky mess of a breakfast bar....nutritious?? just what are they feeding us?). so, i don't work for the company )or really any other company) but think you may like this....mmmmmmmm
at 8:10 AM
good morning! after a few weeks of adjustments, it seems my body may be heading back to it's normal early bird routine, which is a blessing. (this is not a picture of my adjusted body. this is the cat). now that i can nap if need be throughout the day, getting up early feels right. last week i lazy-bones until 8-ish, but then felt like i had wasted a good chunk of productive hours of the day. and strangely, i was tired tired tired all day, needing to nap by 2pm, and sleeping for 2-3 hours. i would fall asleep again not long after dinner. the one thing i notice is that i am mostly fine throughout the day, but will sometimes get such a lonely streak. having had my entire working life surrounded by other people to take a chat break with, or working in radio where it's my j-o-b to talk, there are moments now where chatting with diva just doesn't fill the bill. speaking of which, she is entirely pissed off at me. my plan had been to be able to give her 2-3 Very Good Walks a day. it hasn't worked out so well. the weather has been downright snotty - high winds, rain & snowlets & mini-sleet - and she's all curled up next to me snoring and i just feel so cozy and not at all motivated to layer on the clothing and rainboots to go out into that stuff for an hour. so we pretty much do the necessary potty breaks and then back to shelter. she's getting grumpy and stiff, so i need to plan at least 1 good walk and 1 mini-walk into our day. she doesn't care much for play, lately...her idea of a game is to fetch her toy, but go hide it in her lair after 1 toss. game over. then she looks at me like "ok what next." i'm home today, and we're taking PSD out for dinner: an all-you-can-eat crab leg dealio at a nearby restaurant. this, in honor of the beginning of the new season of Deadliest Catch. i know - very geekified. but it's the one TV show husband and i can agree on, even though neither of us watches too much TV. i tend to favor documentaries, and he likes sports. i've eaten seafood all my life with no problem, but noticed on our honeymoon in St. Thomas that suddenly at this stage in my life, my lips seem to take on Angelina Jolie proportions after eating shellfish. no breathing issues, just the lips. oh, and my ears itch. so look out Brad Pitt, i guess. too bad the rest of me doesn't implode here and there to take on the Other proportions, much like the Nutty Professor's Buddy Love. ah well. ya win a few, ya gain a few. well, the sun is starting to peek through the trees and starting to tap me on the shoulder to get busy, so i'm off.
at 6:01 AM
Thursday, April 14, 2011
wow ...this is officially post 900! and some exciting news (if you aren't sick of my cheerfulness yet)...i am launching (sounds so pretentious, right?) a new website! the details are coming soon soon, but i have to get everything in place before i spill all the beans like the Bush's Baked Beans dog. this has been an incredible few months, crammed with opportunity and gratitude. i feel like i am totally in the flow of life, or at least the part where i fit in. has it all been roses and candy canes? not a chance. like the $2k car repair bill that hit right after my company declined to pay me vacation pay owed to me (we are still talking about it, and i hope they do the ethical thing). things like that. things that used to send me to the moon in full freak-out mode. it's so strange to have this peace that everything is as it should be. and will unfold as it should. so instead of trying to force things to go my way, i've been sitting quietly in the morning and settling into the shimmerdust...trying to get a glimmer of what is expected of me that day, and where my energies need to be focused. i have a clear plan of the point-A-to-point B type, and have a clear notion of where i need to be plan-wise by certain benchmarks (i am a planner, after all), but each day will hold something a little special...a side trip that needs to be taken, or a moment with diva that needs to happen, or a body that needs some extra care & keeping & rest. i'm trying to stay on track, and focused, but also allow for flexibility. and it really is working well. as i get into my body's True Rhythm, it is easier to manage things like rest and pain and happiness and productivity, and be the physical person i need to be. yes, i said happiness. what i've found is that there were so many hours spent on obligation to things that were not written into the script of my life, that simple things like a smile from the heart got pushed aside in favor of getting that last load of laundry done. and now i find that i gladly do the things like laundry that were a source of friction before. because i have time. is it all roses? no. the dr did find another nodule, but is not worried. watch and wait and see. so for now it's not on my radar. today the word Trust is being constructed. and it's a good word to take along.
at 11:15 AM
Monday, April 11, 2011
yes - i'm busy at work (tho obviously not photography lessons)... but want to take a quick break to say something....at the risk of sounding Pollyanna and all rose-colored glasses, I want to tell you that my life has become the most abundant and passionate and incredible thing. period. every single day Every Single Day, there is Something So Wonderful. a challenge is presented, and before i can even say a prayer for help, BAM! the resolution is there - in spades. i. am. gobsmacked. And as annoying as it probably was to listen to me whine and bitch about life for the past bunch o' years, i have to say, if you are intent on swimming in the muck, you will not like me. i've not become a proselytizing maniac...but this calm, certain, solid alien person has, indeed, taken over my body. point in case - by 8:15 this morning, i was facing a $2000 car repair bill...a simple inspection visit with a "check engine" light went kaphlooey. (and my mechanic is as honest as the day is long). a quick check of the calendar reveals that i am a mere 11 days out of warranty. so i took a chance on my last drop of gas, and drove a block down to the dealership. right? i know - never go to a dealership for service. long story short, at 4pm i got a call...$100 + tax. they would honor some of the warranty, and the rest....who knows. yeah, so that's the kind of stuff i'm talking about. juicy stuff. stuff that makes you lay on your face on a studio floor type of grateful. so now you can understand why i haven't posted...how, just how, do you tell all this stuff? how do you feel such incredible gratitude and not be humbled? and it wasn't because i saved baby kittens, or ran through a burning building to rescue people or devoted myself to lepers on an island somewhere. i think - my theory is - when you are in the place in life that you belong, magic happens. and everyone has a place. and i believe that it is there for everyone who is listening, and trusting, and doing what they know in their heart of hearts they must. Art is the language i speak, much like people in Spain speak spanish, and in France speak french. it is that simple. and to be away from art, is to be deprived of my language...to be living comfortably in a foreign land where i'm unable to communicate effectively. not very comfortable after all. i choose to call the magic-maker God. it is my belief system. you may call it the Universe, or Buddha or Left Toe for all it is of my business. but at this moment in my life, i have been given such a sweet gift, and rather than feel unworthy, or suspicious, i finally just said Thank You. and it's a pretty darn good gift, ya think?
at 5:28 PM
Sunday, April 10, 2011
"If there is any secret to this life I live, this is it: the sound of what cannot be seen sings within everything that can. & there is nothing more to it than that." - Brian Andreas What a great morning! Met my friend Dan at the flea market at early o'clock (btw if you check out his website - those are NOT photographs - they're paintings!)...my intention was to find vintage chain for my growing inventory of Intention Word necklaces that I'm making for some upcoming festivals. the process so far has been enjoyable and actually fun, and not without it's challenges to resolve. even that has been a stress-free process. i did a mini purge of the studio yesterday, as i gathered up some interesting metal objects that i thought Dan might like, and came across a bagful of sequins, teeny beads and onesie larger beads that i knew i would never use. for some reason, i grabbed that bag as i headed out the door. the first vendor i went to The First, i tell you, had an amazing old-style jewelry box that opens at the top, and then has trays that rise out to the sides, and has a drawer. it was crammed with costume jewelry...some nice, some not so nice. he wanted $30 for it. he was on crack, obviously. i had my bag of beads handy. i offered him $10 and the bagload. his friend said "she's got money - it's an Anthropologie bag," and i thought the deal was sunk. i also wondered how it could be that a man who hadn't showered in days, perhaps lived in his Chevy Vega and felt that $30 was a great deal, how this person had heard of Anthro, let alone knew pricing at the store. not to sound cheeky, but if it weren't for my PSD, i would probably never heard of Anthro, let alone checked on retail pricing. i explained (okay - lied) that the bag was given to me with some doodads. he wavered, so i turned it around and said, well, hey - the bag alone must be worth $5, right? deal struck. so i have a nice display piece, plus a bunch o' vintage chain. i'm hoping handsome husband hangs up my ginormous blackboard tonight so i can organize entry dates and deadlines. i'm a visual person, and need to see everything lined up like that or it's all a garble. ok - after listening to me whine, moan, complain, be depressed, be ready to walk off the very edge of the earth for all these years...i feel you should know ...i am the happiest i've ever been in my life. not the kind of manic happy that is a pain in the ass to be around. just content and excited and centered. and filled with gratitude. so very grateful. and to make it even better, there is a crow couple making a nest right outside my studio window! i'm taking some bright yarn down to them right now. a little interior design. the next week will be a busy one with a few deadlines and doctor appts & tests, but i'll be checking back in. lovin' spring. Linda
at 3:10 PM
Thursday, April 07, 2011
you know, i re-read yesterday's post and thought seriously of deleting it, lest it be too offensive. but i decided not to...had a strong feeling to leave it. just like i had no idea where it came from. i sat down to catch up with you, and tell you all the happythings, and this just needed to be said. yes, it's my blog and i can say whatever i want, but i am nothing if not compassionate and inoffensive, and yes, would self-edit if someone close to me was truly hurt by something. words are mighty, and carry a strong power. the person i was "speaking" to in my post would not recognize me on the street from a fully operational Burger King droid, so to my posse of walking wounded warriors, i remain within your ranks and offer apologies and apple cake if you thought i was dissing you. there is no dissing intended in the post, anyway. just a strong feeling that there was a teetering going on, and slathering on more icing to a toppling cake never works. (trust me in the literal sense). so onward. things are moving faster than the speed of one of my engagements. there is a chunk of this that is Not My Story To Tell, and i do not have permission to tell it, so if the dots don't connect in parts that's why. (i'll hum when i get to a part that needs glossing over). Hmmmm mmmm mmmmm, then i left my job, and the minute the Very Minute i typed the words into the computer stating my intention to become unemployed, i got a cell call offering me a job in radio. i would voice track a show, which means i could show up at the studio on a sunday at 10pm in my pj's and track stuff that you'd be listening to while you ate lunch on tuesday. yummy! check please! and New Supportive Husband said "i think you should concentrate on your art and give that a fair shake...don't do the radio thing." wha? but i figured what the hey, a few extra bucks might be okay. but whether or not i end up doing it, it was an affirmation in a long & unmistakable string of affirmations that gobsmacked me into the right path, and continue to keep me there. The recent show of my collages opened up some incredible opportunities. which led to other opportunities. and challenges that have crossed my path have been resolved in ways that are nothing short of miraculous...and i am not overstating that. truly truly miraculous. and that almost made me welcome the challenges in order to see the unfolding of the resolution - it was/is that amazing. and when i say "unfolding," i don't mean in biblical time or waiting for your turn in the potty line at the Dome time...i mean like pull this tab and the lifeboat inflates time. PFFFOOOWAWA BAM time. and i have never been more comfortable in my own skin. i am having a crush on myself for the first time in a long time. (within reason). and i believe it's because i am not fighting the tide, but riding the current...i am where i belong, just like Swirly's postcard says "you are exactly where you belong." and even though it involves some difficult stuff hmmm mm mmmm mmm, there is such sweet balance that it all feels right. and it has allowed me more time with Diva. she is, for all her crankiness, getting old before my eyes, and i am most grateful to be able to spend more time with her. off track completely here, but let me just say - if you have a company, or work at a company that has graphic design, web design, or advertising needs - you Must call Leonard Assante. I have never met a more incredible person...design-wise, person-wise...pick a category-wise. he is incredibly talented, and will make you rich. (it should be noted that I take responsibility for any/all outlandish claims here). but he is the real deal. and that's a wrap.
Wednesday, April 06, 2011
yes, i know...if this blog were a child, then social services would have removed it from me weeks ago. my apologies. it's been a bit hectic in the day-to-day change-your-entire-life department, and most of it so mundane, i would be embarrassed to write it...like "oy! such a day! i shaved BOTH legs today. i need a rest." well, a bit more than that, and some pretty miraculous things jetting about, but (for once) i cannot find the proper words to properly express them, so i need to wait until that's possible. i am a person of schedules and lists. i am a planner & do-er. i have been told that i can plan the fun out of a vacation. and it's true, although i have gotten better with that. (okay, we have a window from 2-3 where we can do something wild & spontaneous...how about a shoe shop?). so i have lists and orderly chaos...the house is still upside down from the Room Exchange, but looking better. and i find that by controlling the chaos, i can have better quality "down" time & not worry that i forgot something. and with that time, i've caught up on some blogs. it feels like a reunion, catching up with the daily stuff of friend's lives. and i have to say, some blogs, i want to call the person (if i actually knew them) and say "are you STILL in that place??" i have stared down depression in my life, and the score is about even as to who won which round. and it became a cozy rut to be the Depressed Friend who needed consoling and cheerful little emails and such, that, when you think about it, is really a cry for love and proof of affection, which is really a statement on self-love (or the lack). and i don't mean DO NOT MEAN people who have recently lost a loved one, or had some other mad life-altering thing happen. i am talking about the people who have found their identity in being the vulnerable victim of life. it gets tedious and strenuous being a friend to that person. i give all my friends credit for hanging in there, as i went through that. (especially you-who-know-who-you-are). if you recognize yourself in this identity, this persona of poor-me, please - stand up, put on some funky clothes & makeup, turn around and give it the finger. trust me. there is learned behavior, and after a while, you knee-jerk react to everything the way of a habit...your glass will always always be half-empty, and if it isn't, you'll spill some out so it is. you are not loved by the volume of kind words sent you. you are loved when you can get up, smile into the mirror (well, once in a while), and Reach Outward with no agenda to get reached back to. i have no idea why this is spilling out now. it just is. and shame on me for not having patience at times with people who are the mirror image of what i have been. maybe it's too grisly of a reminder of what can happen to me if i don't give good stewardship and gratitude to the contentment i have worked for. not sure. but to the person who's blog i visited, perhaps for the last time, please - get help, and please do the work honestly and seriously, before it becomes less of an attention-getting thing, and more of an ingrained response - a hole you cannot dig out of. i'm sorry if i sound uncompassionate. that is not my intent At All. depression is a big, bad booger that can drop from the ceiling onto your best dress at any time. i guess this rant is aimed at helping 1 specific person that i have met, and have occasional emails with. she has the potential to do great things, but has chosen, instead, to be a victim of herself. so much the shame. who knows what greatness lies within? so after this hit-or-miss posting schedule, i come up with this?? fortheloveofgod. okay - dog screeching, cat vomiting,tea water overboiling. bye for now.
at 9:15 AM
Friday, April 01, 2011
ok - i'll try again, but the dog is thrilled that it's way past her regular bark-at-the-school bus time AND mommy's still home so it's time to play with chirpy mouse. i have 2 big open spaces to rearrange and make suitable for my self: one is my studio - a large 22x22 room upstairs that must be semi-gutted, purged, painted and redesigned. by sunday. each piece must be vetted for worthiness of space. the other space: my life. a big, open road ahead. both tasks equally exciting. one a little more straightforward than the other. a gloomy, rainy day outside is perfect for being productive inside. clear the clamor, spend it in gratitude. now you know how my life goes...setting intentions like these can usually guarantee a Lucille Ball outcome. but it is my intention to seek a balance between the gentle calm, and the incredibly complex & eventually hysterical things that often befall me. it is my intention, for instance to move a large desk out of my studio. i can already forsee a Groundhog Day-like return to the Incident of Being Stuck Holding a Desk On Stairs for 3 hours till someone comes home. i may actually learn from that. but i can only promise to remember to go to the ladies loo before i attempt it. (oy - puppy has now moved on to the ball-in-the-plastic-ring toy, and is looking to me to make it go round & round so she can bark at it). playing with the dog is quick...she drags a toy out from her stash behind husband's Lazy Ass recliner, drops it on my feet, i throw it, she grabs it and puts it back in the stash. then a minute later - rinse & repeat. no fetching here. and eventually (in 3 tosses) she forgets to go get it, so i end up tossing squeeky mouse or lambikins, then going after it my own self and dropping it near her to try to incite play. she has been watching the Dog Whisperer backwards. i am trained. whenever i think about all that has happened in the past few weeks, i am overwhelmed. flat out. i still can't form the words. it's a deep, humbling Why Me Why Now feeling. in a good way. a very good way. to be called upon to stretch myself and grow and prioritize, and to be given the opportunity to use those skills. i am not forgotten. my prayers actually do get heard. hunh. i guess i feel a deepening of spirituality and confidence that i am not alone. i feel very comfortable in my skin. physically - i am happy with my outwards, and need to take care of my inwards...a dr's appt scheduled for monday to help with that. to keep my promise to myself (from last year) to take better care of my body. yes - another round of quitting smoking is on the close horizon. 3rd times the charm? 4th? whatever try this is, it has to be the one that works. just has to. i smoke a mortgage payment every month. 2 car payments. that is not acceptable. so send your good vibes my way. ok - off to shower...it's funny, i look at the clock and measure time in what i would be doing at this moment if i was at my Big Girl Job. leaving was less anxiety-ridden than i thought it would be, but i think that's because i'm so exhausted. there are women at that job i will miss fiercely, and am sad to not be able to see every day. yes, i will have more time now to get together after work, and i'm hoping they don't turn into those fade-away friendships where you realize that the only thing you had in common was the job. oh yeah - shower and begin.
at 7:23 AM