a Tiny description

a full time artist, stepmother, radio personality, and mom to an energetic Chug dog, tries to get through the days without committing a felonious act. My life is a rickety Zen circus.


Tuesday, September 30, 2008

excuuuuse me!

so okay...everyone i know KNOWS i worked in radio, and still have a lot of friends/contacts in radio and have been known from time to time to CONTINUE to be on the radio. so now that that's on the table as the starting point...the baseline, if you will...i'll ramble on. when something incredibly out of the ordinary happens in my life (not hard to wait for) it WILL (i guarantee) at some point fly literally fly out of my mouth at the first radio-opportunity. it's an anomoly of radio people. you are sitting in a little room, usually alone, sometimes with 1 or 2 other people. it's dark-ish. there's no air, too much coffee and it is waaay too early. at some point, your brain just goes into the other room to keep from laughing out loud at your bladder which is sweating bullets waiting for that really really long song to come on. when the brain shuts the door, all hell is likely to fly out of the mouth which has seen an opportune moment and SEIZES IT like a slippery fish. so ALL that being said...when the opportunity came this morning for me to discuss (with 2 friends and a microphone) things that annoy me....well, that opened up a veritable Pandora's box. immediately the brain said Uh Oh and shot warning daggers to the mouth, which ignored them (or possibly was blinded by it's own twitching). how to narrow the list? how to make it somewhat family-friendly? i mean, most of the things that truly annoy me are not fodder for show-and-tell in Mrs. Vogel's kindergarten class. so trying to do any pre-damage control, the brain flashed an image of my husband in CT without his clothes at the very very important vendor meeting with his boss's boss's boss. the one that i woke up even earlier today in order to fedex his clothes to (see yesterday's post). yes. that was current. somewhat funny picturing him there. and you can say "underpants" at any time of day on the radio. so the mouth regaled my 2 friends and a microphone with the story. no embellishment was needed. it was perfect all in it's contained glory. he was out of town and would never know (unlike some incidents previous. who knew he'd actually be LISTENING??). so yuk yuk fun fun. off to the big girl job after fedexing. fast forward, oh about 12 hours while i head home tired as a beast. husband calls wanting to know if i dropped the package off at the Fedex DEPOT which is where he specifically stated he wanted the box dropped off. oops. der. the mouth, being ever helpful, decides it will save the day. it was soo very proud of it's little shining moment 12 hours earlier, that it told my husband what it had told my 2 friends....and a microphone. have you ever heard a silence so silent that you could see it come out the 2 tiny holes in the earpiece of your cellphone? a silence so silent, that all other sound... just... Stops. in fear? in curiousity of what will happen next? nudge nudge...hey - wait, shh...this is going to be good. all Sound leans in a bit to eavesdrop, but does that "don't look" thing we women do in restaurants (like, "don't look...but is that Jonatha Brooke? no don't look! right there...). a sound so silent, i figured i'd lost my signal, so i hung up. and drove home, quickly, to check the tracking number and pray to St. Airbill that the package was picked up, at the authorized (but non-Depot) fedex location DOWN THE STREET and was really on it's way, quickly, to CT. it is. i breathe. i smirk. tomorrow between 8:30-11am, i will reward the mouth with candy. after the package has been delivered. was i wrong? :) L.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

ok - in my heart of hearts...honestly? what is it i want to do with my one precious life? do i have a clue? abso-frickin-posa-lutely. down to the very last finest detail. i dream about it at night. i daydream it at day. i change up details. i add some of this. and that. i want to build a respite house. the KitaBear Respite House. for women. who just need a night, weekend, week or two away. to make art and take long baths and be loved and accepted and welcomed. to be listened to....really listened to. and to be seen as the shining light that they are. and maybe forgot. or maybe haven't been told in a while. i know every last nail and shingle on this big beautiful structure...i know the colors of the fiestaware on the shelves, and the size of the guestrooms, and where the kennel is located. because you HAVE to be able to bring your pals! i know all this, and have known for a while that this is my Job...to make it happen. and so i will. and soon, i feel. cross your fingers on the lotto! ***so i just got a frantic call from husband in CT (the only husband..it's just that he's in CT...not a DIFFERENT husband, he's just in a DIFFERENT state. just to clarify). i had planned an hour in the studio, then early to bed. not to be had. first diva NEEDED some toy time with me and cowpig, her new fave toy. (is it a cow? a pig? we aren't sure). so husband calls...all tense & terse. he's out of town all week at a few major vendor shows. just bought all brand-spankin new clothes saturday and they rushed alterations overnight. guess where they are? no - guess! yep - hanging on the rod outside his closet. his closet at home - where i am and he is not. now i am not saying one single word. but guess who has to find a box and overnight these brand spankin new and altered rush rush clothes to CT? and the reason i am not saying a word is because he overnighted a certain altered box to me in NH when i went all novacaine brain. so the universe spins. HOWEVER, if i was to say anything (which i am not) i would point out that perhaps he may want to just test my theory of packing the night before instead of the minute after he's supposed to leave. just a theory thought point whatever. i fully realize MY way of doing it (3 weeks ahead, then again 1 week ahead, then re-do everything the night before) is a bit overwhelming for the un-OCD, but it does have it's merits. so now i have a whining dog, a whining husband, and a not-early night, but a very early morning, as i have to find a box, fold stuff neatly and find the Fedex terminal at the buttcrack of dawn. then work. breathe. or not. oy. L.

my Seneca

could a bird BE any more beautiful? this is the same fuzzy, floppy little egg-cracker from May. she's out on her own now. my lovely. **so husband and I have decided to make this a Month of Deprivation all around...on top of the smoking cessation, he decided to do the NutriSystem for Men. not to be outdone, i signed up for the women's version. (likely identical). this extra 35 lbs i'm carrying around is making me very uncomfortable. having gone from a size 2 to a 10 in no time flat, i've never really adjusted to the extra weight being a part of me. so...we'll see. they mail you a month's worth of food at once - or maybe it's a week. anyway, i can just see myself sitting on the floor eating the whole lot all at once. please don't plan a visit during the next month (for your own well-being!). and if you must, you may want to bring a dog cookie to bribe diva into not biting you, and a people cookie for a similar reason. ** my CrowWoman is coming along real well. ** i went to the Schweinfurth to pick up my artwork from the show. i still can't believe i was juried in! and the woman there said there was good interest in the piece. so that's exciting. i have 2 more entries to prepare this week...it seems like doors are really opening. i am exhausted right now, so before i start la-la-la-ing, i'll just shut down. my energy level has been poor this week. miss y'all....L.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

rhythm of the rain

can i say - i LOVE the rain...i love walking in it, i love watching it cascade down my A-Frame garage roof, i most especially love listening to it while i'm bundled up in a fluffy comforter on the couch with a good book and some good tea, my diva dog snoring my my side. today is that day. the rain alternates between a gentle tapping on my roof, to a surf-sound lullabye. a woodpecker mistakes my cedar shingles for a tree and taps away. for today, i let him. undeterred, blue jay and finch and cardinal swoop in to feed at my windowbox. a mourning dove sits nearby trying to figure out the logistics. diva and i have returned to our routine...breakfast, walk, studio, lunch, nap, studio, little walk, dinner, walk. she is my sweetest. even with the recurring skunk-head smell. today she plopped her princessly self down in the middle of the bathroom floor staring at me - willing me to read her mind. so, out came the blow dryer. she sat still and turned her head this way and that, to be sure i fluffed everything perfectly. then turned for the other side. i swear. when she was all hurtful after her surgery, i would tell her the story of the princess who had sooo much love that God turned her into a puppy before she exploded - because, as you know, puppies have an unlimited capacity for love. now, i KNOW dogs cannot understand a full bedtime story. i am aware. however...THIS one prefers to hear it. every night now. i am sure it's the soothing sound of my voice that does it, rather than the actual story (which has gotten quite detailed as these months have worn on). so no harm. and it's great birth control! so, on that note, i will snooze a bit, then continue working on my CrowWoman. remind me to tell you about the snipe and the hummingbird. L.

Thursday, September 25, 2008


okay y'all....cross your fingers for me - today is surgery day 8am....i swear i wish they'd just take that uterus o-u-t instead of poking and proclaiming and prodding. i am done cajoling and threatening. I've put my doctor on notice that if whatever she does doesn't do what it should, then i will take matters LITERALLY into my own hands with a hemostat, pizza cutter and soldering gun. maybe a little gauze. i am done done with this gyno stuff. to old. too cranky. too busy. so anyway, i got off on a mini-rant there, sorry. so hopefully i will get an experienced anesthesiologist and will report back tomorrow. if not, well, expect a commotion. L.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008


last night...diva dog, the crickets and me...from the woods Who-WhoWho-Whoooo....then from the other side Who-WhoWho-Whoooo...the bard owls calling each other...locating...i called back, a flimsy attempt, sure they'd never be fooled....reward: a call from each side, moving closer, answering me....a special moment as the skygems flickered and watched in the inky indigo....today: the woods busy with gathering and calling and frantic getting ready...squirrels too busy to chase one another...the woodpecker's hyena cackle as it warns off intruders...early leaves fall and scatter like a light sprinkle of rain...the pond remains still...turtles sun themselves on Turtle Bridge then disappear with a PLOP! as we make our way past...the smell of dill and approaching autumn enchants...a monarch floats by, stopping in nearby jewelweed, hidden in the sameness of colors...diva and i take the long way through the woods. Today's Zen card - and how did it know? : "The center is not always the point of balance. When you find that place where Balance is achieved, peace will result in all situations. There is no conflict, for everything rests without strain."

Sunday, September 21, 2008

...But To Where?

an older piece, but by request:

burgers & bonfires

don't ask how it started. oh okay, here's how it started: 2 years ago, after Youngblood's High School grad party, there was a boatload, a cartload, a veritable crapload of leftover food, and yes, beer. knowing how husband has a propensity to overdrink from time to time, and how teenagers have a 6th sense - a locator sense - that enables them to find hidden beer, i set up lawn chairs at the bottom of our driveway, opened the coolers, and lo! neighbors from all & about the cul-de-sac appeared, and that, my friends is how the Hillbilly Redneck Driveway Parties were born. on any given warm summer night, crowds of 10-ish will gather with their chairs,snacks, and coolers at the bottom of our driveway and be neighbors. and friends. and cul-de-parents of each others children...Children of Cumberstone. (the original beer is gone, by the way). now, i'm not sure how you all do it, but in my area, the Boyscouts do a fundraiser where they sell lobster. so last year i thought..hunh...let's have a block party with the remnants of beer and we'll drag a few grills out to The Circle and everyone BYO's and we'll be happy and have fun la la la. it worked. so we reprised it last night. with the added attraction of a nice marshmallow toasty bonfire at our place after. i love my neighbors. i love bonfires. i love Zak for letting me use his skateboard, even though he thinks i'm old. i used to be young. i used to be a skateboarder. he must have seen a little skatergirl in my eye.(that is not me in the picture, it's Zak). i am blessed and re-blessed my my neighbors...for showing up to ease my thoughts and transitions and make my Monday easier to face. has it really been 1 week? L.

Friday, September 19, 2008

by the way

go now to the music store and buy Jonatha Brooke "The Works" CD...go. hurry.
i'm still attempting re-entry....i think i know how the astronauts feel when they come back from a moon mission...there is no way to describe the increble-ness of what they've just experienced. so too with Squam. and to say, "you had to be there," is almost a bit mean - unintentionally. but there is no way to tell it. and a part of me doesn't want to - a part of me wants to keep a small secret little private piece of glowing wonder hidden in my heart for just me....to go to when i need strength...to remember when i need to give a hand up to someone else...to just make me smile. i keep telling myself, okay now - time to get back to your life, previously scheduled. but ... is it so wrong to hold something so good in front of you as long as you can? i think not, my friend. how many bad things do we hold in our heads, letting them hamster-wheel around for as long as they care to visit? this...this squam week...was unforgettable. just on the personal premise, imagine this: take a semi-agoraphobic, put her in a car with a person she met once -3 years ago, make her drive 7 hours to stay in the woods with unknown bathroom situations and many many new people all at once. so it worked out. would i do it again? you betcha....already packing for next year. one girl described the going-home as grief. and that is truly what it feels like. i'm very surprised by the intensity of the emotions i feel, even 5 days later. there were so very many sweet and gentle and lively and funny and light-filled women there....about 125 actually. it was as if the universe sent just the exact people that should have been there...no more and no less. how i got included, who knows? :) but will ever be grateful for it. now...off to yet another round of dr appts...i will continue to hold each of you up in my heart of hearts, and try not to cry every time i think of you (good cry, but missing you cry)...L.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

i draw a circle of light around you, my dearest hearts...treats of life...blinking, sparkling fireflies dancing more precious than diamonds...a totem and testament to unspoken yet acknowledged...too new too unique too sensory for mere modern words expression description verbage...a thousand dictionaries fall short...a cairn that reaches limitless...my spirit carried above to defy predictability and dodge thoughtlessness...i breathe a deep breath lungs expand body aligns eyes clear and leap caught safely in your nets....

do YOU believe?

from my brother...Below is a link to a YouTube video. The video is of a student speaking without a script or a podium, to almost 20,000 teachers, staff and administrators in the Dallas Independent School District, as they prepared to start the new school year. He's about 7 years old. You don't have to be from Dallas or a teacher to be impressed and moved by this young man's words and presentation. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GjwjZe8u0-E (you may have to copy & paste, but it is worth EVERY second). good day y'all! L.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Peace, Love & Squam

kinda catchy, eh? sweatshirts for next year? so okay, the brain is starting to take bits and pieces from the overwhelming days, and letting the mind examine them - just a pinch at a time lest a circuit blow. on a superficial level, it was a fabulous bunch o' days in a fabulous location with fabulous people, making somewhat passable art (not the fault of the instructors! and not for lack of their trying). to have come away with just that would have been great. however. it would have been impossible to leave with just dirty paintbrushes and smudged aprons and a hankering for some private bathroom time. so. as the eyes remember to tell the brain something they saw, and the brain collates it and allows it through to the mind, the fingers will faithfully translate as best they can. women have the ability to make deep, lasting friendships that, i think, men cannot understand. men do not have man-crushes. they don't hold hands and kiss each other just for the appreciation and love of the other's spirit. (hang on - i'm cracking myself up here picturing my hillbilly husband and our neighbor standing in the road with their chainsaws having "a moment" before clearing the trees that fell in the wind storm. oy. *wipe tears* ok better now). but to have 100+ artists all in the same area, all there with the same goal, the same spirit, one heart...it all was so overwhelming. no dramas. and it even feels wrong to say that...as if a group of women can't gather without SOMEthing going askew & awry. but okay hey, here's the thing...there is a subtle something yet unidentified in me that has changed. has shifted. it's like learning you have X-number of months to live - the unimportant seems to fall away. i have a quote on my studio wall that says "And what if you were told One More Hour?" indeed. so apparently, the brain has only released a part of a portion of a thought, because really i'm still not able to pinpoint. i think instead, i'll take my diva dog for a walk through her woods, over the turtle bridge, through the echoecho tunnel, past the monkey tree, by George's house and the mariachi dogs. i'll breath the cedar pines and pop jewelweed pods and watch late bumblebees squeeze their fat buzzing furry butts into the last nectar of the snapgragon blooms and listen as my ravens and crows and woodpeckers and hawks all announce they've been waiting for me to return....welcome home. L.

Monday, September 15, 2008


yes - i still get up early. it will take a while to process through the gift of the past 5 days...not just the art that i learned....especially that - those techniques and lessons are already wonderfully incorporated, to be practiced and played with. no, more the relationships and bonds formed - even unsuspectingly...much like adding an element changes the whole chemistry of the formula, meeting a new person touches you and changes you...sometimes for a moment, sometimes for an ever. so imagine being in close contact with 125 wildly diverse, incredibly creative, unique people, set in the woods - no, make that wooded paradise - for 5 days with the sole purpose of letting themselves be free to create art and learn art and teach art and share art, and meet other like-minded people? can you imagine? you can't. trust me, you can't. throughout the whole energy-charged balsam-fir scented explosion of activity and creativity, ran a gentle, quiet thread, a strand of a wisp of a smoky, gentle, wafting and wending and seeking out each heart, each soul, pulling gently, challenging yet not demanding, each knowing they were part of something new, something extraordinarily special, with no words to explain or contain it into a cohesive thought, for it was just a Knowing....hearts given with a glance or a hand across rugged paths through the woods, gratitude, people as different as east and west, peas and chocolate suddenly realizing they were the same, the costume didn't matter, the opinions and beliefs not a thought. for it was the hearts, the souls that connected, that played, that recognized each other in each other, and this, my friends, was what became of the most incredible idea thought up by a most incredible woman in New Hampshire to hold a most incredible art workshop week in the beautiful wooded hundred-year-old complex of Great Camps set on a famous lake, and call it Squam Art Workshops. you had to be there. L.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

home again

one hour outside of Holderness, NH....car re-packed to overflowing....rain spattering my windshield...GPS advising of a right turn up ahead...Jonatha Brooke CD on track 6...one hour away, yet it already seems like days ago, weeks ago, months...yet. something. changed. a slight shift. but enough. to carry through. to the next perfect plunge, toes pointed, arms raised, hands together ready to part the surface, just enough breath held to reach the surface. now, to sleep. tomorrow i'll share. L. PS: if you're new to this blog, you may want to start at the very beginning in aug 2006. it's just better that way.

Monday, September 08, 2008

short n sweet

okay - diva dog most certainly needs my attention, as i only have 1 more day before my trip, and she will miss me as only a dog can. (mostly not at all since grandma will fill her tummy with real chicken). i am back on track, Chantix drug-wise, and am a much less drug-smug person for the experience. i start again. like my friend gail says....don't be ashamed, just do it. i sort of paraphrased, but you know. oh and speaking of miss gail....you may recall that she is married to the man who shall be worshipped? well get the altar out - the man is giving up his Mancave for her sewing room expansion. my jaw hangs unhinged and i weep openly at this. so here's to you husband of gail...you rock...sheet rock. L.

level playing field

okay. i took half a chantix yesterday and within the hour was back to good. i called a doctor, a nurse and a pharmacist (sounds like the beginning of a bar joke) and each gave me conflicting advice. so i went with the highest authority, my neighbor Debbie. we decided that since THEY couldn't decide between 1 pill, half a pill, no pill - start over, that the "half pill" answer was right in the middle and should be okay. honestly, it couldn't have hurt anything in the state i was in. within a half hour...back to zen. so that's pretty interesting. but i don't have time this morning to write about it, since i have to go to work. but i'll come back to it. anyway, while in my calmer mood, my friend from North Carolina called and said her company is in the process of opening an office here and she was sent an email asking if she knew of anyone to fill a specific position, seeing as she was FROM here. she said YES! and told them about me. so i may have a new job when i get back from Squam. i know - i should be working towards NO job, but it doesn't hurt to peek, and until i figure out what it is that i want to do artwise for a living, then it would be wonderful to at least have a job to go to where i didn't get screamed at all day on the phone. well...shower time. Diva still hasn't made an appearance yet this morning for a tinkle, however throughout the wee hours, tried to convince me that she did need out ....we did go once or twice, but i leashed her, and she actually had meant that she needed to run as fast as she could to the deep grass in the back back of the yard where something lurked. something, no doubt black & white & smelly. so once she saw i was on to her, she settled in for nappy. grr. L.

Sunday, September 07, 2008

the best policy

okay so my military-time clock on my computer says 15:56...My husband left about an hour ago for his business trip. i try not to get too maudlin in this blog, but i also try to keep it real, as they say. so here's the real: i smoked. i am so sorry. to you. to myself. to my husband who hopefully will not find out because he just started his non-smoking plan. i hit another wave of despair, and said f-it. i know i just need to start taking the chantix again. but i don't know how much - do i start all over again with the half dose? do i just jump back in with the full dose? and of course it's sunday and of course the chantix hotline is not actually STAFFED by a PERSON i could ASK who probably wouldn't answer me anyway but tell me to call my doctor. who is probably having a nice bbq with her family. it really is hard to do on your own. i really should not have been so smug and nausea-driven as to think i could stop taking the drug oh-so-much-sooner than any other person on the planet, but that's what happened. and now i have an entire pack of cigarettes minus one sitting in my garage. what do i do with it? i called my husband for support and of course he was wonderful and supportive and said to go for a walk which i knew would be a good thing anyway. i left out the part where i had actually already smoked, making me a loser and a liar. but this is where i have an even keener understanding of why it is so very hard for an alcoholic to quit drinking or a heroin addict to quit their drug of choice. i hope i can use this information at some point in my life, because the knowledge has been paid for in a very hard currency. yes, i can blame the poison ivy for the sleep deprivation which has made most days a jumble. yes, i can point to a million reasons why. but the truth is simply that this is a very hard thing to stop doing. and i'm just picturing myself, again, out in the rain - the only smoker. missing out on what's going on inside. coming in all stinky and bad breath-like. and these have been such good healthy-feeling weeks. i know i will shoot for it again tomorrow. but i also know that downstairs right now in my garage is a pack of cigarettes minus one.

be Alert, and The Bike Ride (a 2-fer)

oh hey y'all...i need to be serious and personal here for a minute. if you decide to quit smoking...good for you! i support you. If you decide to use Chantix, it will help, but please be careful. i have just spent a few days inside a hell inside my head. well, not hell, but nearby. the biggest side effect they stress is nausea. oh and gas. so here you go about your non-smoking just fearing the hurl and poot. but there are OTHER side effects that you should at least be aware of so you can get help if you need help. like agitation. like depression. you may feel blood pressure issues that cause problems, your eyes may hurt, and a bunch more. and until you've experienced agitation, i must say it sounds like a wonderful way to get some housework done. but lovelies, this is horrible. there is no comfort in what you feel - it's exactly like the Lou Ferrigno Hulk thing, without the green. and a tiny part of my brain that ran and hid behind the door was terrified that this would all stick like that....and here i was 3 days away from my dream of Squam. which made me more afraid. i've never wanted to know the side-effects of medicines because the mind is a strong facilitator for good healing...or a total jokester when it knows it can convince the colon to just let things rip,and the medicine will get the blame. but i think, in this case, i should have looked into this a bit more....something powerful enough to make me quit smoking must certainly have a few things that need a raised eyebrow. so i'm not saying it's a bad or evil drug...just be fully informed. and if your doctor isn't informed enough by the drug rep that sold it to him, or didn't spend time reading up on it, then before you take the first pill, go to the website and check BOTH the patient info AND the physicians info. so enough ranting about that. i say it because i care. and i am much better today thanks. **now - one of the GOOD things i did for myself yesterday was go mountain biking with husband along the shores of Lake Ontario. we got up early-ish and grabbed some subs, borrowed a bona fide mountain bike for me (the Stinger being more for looks on-road) and headed up to the lake. it was amazing! the surf kicking at us, riding through the waves mid-calf deep, finding a baby snapping turtle about 2" across - it looked all medieval...black bumpy shell and all. we ate our subs and fed some gulls (which if you read the top portion of this post, you'll understand when i say i had a deep understanding of what they wanted). we didn't want to leave, so we kept riding around the park area...saw 6 deer and! yes! More Poison Ivy! happy day i missed it though. i'm planning a trip to Urgent Care today to see about a shot or Something...maybe a medical cheese grater. who knows, but i want this G-O-N-E. it looks gross. it feels gross. and i do not deserve this. so BE GONE IVY! but back to the day...it was wonderful to spend time by my Lake...this year the kayaks never fret about getting wet - husband's new car doesn't have a roof rack, so we couldn't haul the yaks anywhere. we went 1 day to Beaver Lake and used their rentals, but after 15 minutes that was pretty much done. small lake...nothing to see. by next year i'll be craving some white water! enough for this morning here...i'm hungry. have a good day - thank you for being my friend...ignore anything weird yesterday please...and ttfn...L.

Friday, September 05, 2008

a pinch of this n that

i am now a cooking ingredient....or at least i feel like one...i have, in desperation, been trying every home remedy for poison ivy that comes across my radar. this morning, my husband's favorite - a baking soda poultice-like thing that has been slathered on and dried. it alledgedly will dry and pull the itchies out. hunh. so now, anytime i move my right arm even slightly, i crumble all over....trailing chunks and bits of white all over. it's not contagious, but the rashy blistery part is right in the inside elbow part of my arm. my right arm. that i use a lot. *sigh* today is a semi Becky Home-Ec-y day....i'm going to the grocery store to buy some GOOD HEALTHY food. spinach and tomatoes and homemade pasta and chocolate. you know. and artichokes. husband is going away sunday and i'm leaving wednesday, so not much is needed. i just have this incredible craving to be healthy and fit. so i'm off to the studio for a bit, then weggers. i am taking suggestions on ivy solutions, so comment or email away. i'm thinking soldering gun at this point, but perhaps that's a bit extreme. L.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

vexations & pretzelations

so. first the yoga. it went very well. no permanent damage. to me or the instructor. easy to follow. relaxing - except for that head down on the floor and arms all akimbo weight on your eyeball position. plus i had a few extras on my mind that i couldn't shake. how can i say this? okay - well, one of the side effects of chantix is flatulence. gas. and although i did not eat for 2 hours before the class as noted in the class instructions, well, i had a personal fear that a launch was imminent, so i held a few poses a bit longer than the rest. okay. now on to today. yes, i am home. i won't bore you with details but my arm is under poison ivy attack and i was up half the night digging at it in my sleep. so when the alarm went off, i rolled over and said "rphinmrphher," which somewhat means "go away you obnoxious noise." so i whipped out my new new t'ai chi video, and boy is it ever difficult for a directionally challenged person to follow opposite left/right on the tv screen. sheesh! he was onto the next thing and i was like DUH WAIT which made me glad that it was a video because i could make him do it over and over and over. even so, i think i may need a live class so the instructor can pose me, Gumbie-like, till i feel what i should be doing. so aside from the ivy, i've really never felt healthier. now right about here in this space, i had a whole genius bit, but it just disappeared suddenly POOF....who knows with this machine. and i just do not have the patience to re-think what i just thought. as i recall, once was enough. so time to get diva to the potty, then a Big Big surprise for my little stinky ivy carrier....a BATH! yes it's spa day for the princess. this will be her very special skunk-be-gone-once-and-for-all bath with peroxide, baking soda, and dish soap. should be fun for one of us! L.

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

grab your sides & snicker

ok so now here's something to brighten your day....close your eyes (not YET - after you read this!) and picture this: i'm taking yoga. and t'ai chi. although, given my current state of body-being, it's more like "yoda." the t'ai chi...well, let's just say i plan to give Ralph Macchio a run. i'm just so enthusiastic about my new-found health, that i want to do it all. all. i want to set out on a walk in the morning and not stop till noon. then swim for a while or ...who knows?? i just feel very cleansed. and this whole process has taught me so much about what i am capable of, and what is true. for instance: husband said he wanted to quit tobacco. i said,"then you already have. you just need to tell your body." now where the heck did that come from? but when you think about it, it is true. ** i'm reading a book called "The Book of Everything - Journey of the Heart's Desire," Hakim Sanai's walled garden of truth. very good. and very small for a book of everything. here's a tease..."Belief brings me close to You...but only to the door..it is only by disappearing into Your mystery that I can come in." i'm also reading "Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea" and these two picks sort of speak about my life in general. not the actual vodka. and percolating around in that monkey mind of mine is part of Christine Mason Miller's book "Ordinary Sparkling Moments" (which I KNOW you MUST have ordered by now) in which she talks about being put in a box by someone. not a REAL box...but you know...when the other half of your relationship wants their other half to be thus-and-so, and you happen to be the flesh that is representing it. (these are my words, not to worry). it got me ruminating along those lines...that if a person - especially one that says they love you - tries to limit the essence of what makes you YOU, then it isn't YOU they want. because YOU includes the parts they don't want. as i was in the midst of my shower epiphany the other morning, it did come to me that a person could only be limited by the amount that they allow. as women, or is it just me? - as women, we try to smooth out all the crinkles in the sheets and make everything nice nice...go along, get along. you may notice a little bit chipped at here, and a small disappointment there, but by God you just love that person so darn much that it just doesn't seem important. till you look one day, and it's all chipped away and the dust is around your feet and no one wants to help sweep it because it just isn't important to them. so as i have become uncomfortable with broken promises and disrespect, i also have to realize that i only need to accept as much as i want. i can either push back, educate, and hope for the best, or i can leave. those are my choices. of course, i can also leave my dreams unrealized, but now that i understand the dynamic, it would be a total walking away from art. closing my studio. because there is no middle ground anymore, and to pretend there is would be impossible. and if that other person in this relationship is willing to believe in my belief of myself, then there may be a chance for progress. but the shoes were getting very tight to walk in, and the box i was allowing myself to be contained in was getting smaller. i remember an incident on a first grade school bus, with a girl being thumped on the back, and the bully asking "did that hurt?" and i mentally begged the girl to say "yes" so the bully would just stop. (she never did, so i had to go poke the bully in the eye and ask if THAT hurt. i was a different kind of kid even then). but back to the spiritual side of the conversation here. so as i have allowed a little bit to be chipped away, there was a mental "did i get away with that" from the other side. maybe not conciously. but there you have it. with all the little control vexations - this window open, that door closed, this fan on, use hot water/cold water...etc...with all those tiring rules to follow, i had to stop finally and ask myself when it changed from being funny & quirky behaviors to being control buttons. and you know what? i'm not interested in making a time line. i will once again begin the life that was interrupted. the beautiful and gentle and lovely spirit that was once radiant from me will once again shine without inhibition, without thought of appropriateness, and will not worry about what the other half may think, feel, say on their own behalf. i will realize that i represent only myself and i will proceed on my journey. L.