a Tiny description

a full time artist, stepmother, radio personality, and mom to an energetic Chug dog, tries to get through the days without committing a felonious act. My life is a rickety Zen circus.


Friday, January 29, 2016

i don't read self-help books.  i don't read books that purport to tell me how to live my life better.  why? because they begin with the premise that i am somehow broken…or less than…or that the author knows the key to how i should be living and where i should place my next steps.  I am not broken.  i am exactly in the exact place i should be with exactly the right tools and body shape and skill set and financial set-up and creativity and all that i need to do the job i need to do - whether i know what that job is or not.  i don't need to try to be my best self, or any other self.  i just need to be.  and i need to not focus on what i perceive to be the "wrongs" about me, or even the "rights," i just need to be.  and go about my day and my business and be sensitive for moments when i can make a difference and make a change for someone else's life…holding the door, buying coffee for the next in line, whatever whatever…small or large.  but if i'm too busy improving on something that was already just right for the job, i'll miss that opportunity, and the time will pass.  if i'm too busy trying to be what i feel i should be, rather than exactly what i am, then an Important Moment could pass.  and i hate when that happens.
i am not broken.  you are not broken.
are there things i wish were different about myself?  yes.  i wish i could dance, for instance.  but holding a beat with my feet is apparently not something i need for my journey.  or just maybe, NOT having that skill is exactly right for my journey.  who knows?  but i don't feel less than because of it.  and if i flail and fling myself around a dance floor to the un-beat, well you have my permission to laugh, because laughing is awesome, and i already know i can't dance!
but back to the point.  just be you.  enjoy your Self as much as I enjoy you.  whether you are having a bad day/week/month/year, or an exceptionally good one…come to the world with what you have.  it's exactly right.

Thursday, January 28, 2016

we are the walking wounded.  yet not.
we bear the stripes of our Grief around our hearts.  we have chosen to lie back in the pool of Grief and backfloat, knowing it was the Only Way…covering ourselves in it's thick blanket, because it is all we have...  Honoring our Grief while despising it…bringing forth a sulfur of hatred for the reasons of it, yet knowing deep down that there would come a place of Gratitude for it…feeling the hopelessness of it, knowing the reasons for it were beyond our control…knowing we surely were not the first to feel these feelings, yet having certainty that our response in our heart and body and mind was ours alone…that in nurturing and experiencing our Grief to the fullest gives honor to the Love and fierceness of the ties we held with our beloved.  We aren't broken - we are strengthened, though in the annealing* process, there are times when it might be easier to just meld with the fire and be lost.  but we don't.  we learn to honor ourselves, as well…to not be afraid to tuck in and be silent…to reach out and be with others if needed…to not be afraid of our tears showing…to accept hugs and accept that others may feel awkward, and allowing them that - their lesson to learn…to stand tall some days and be able to smile, but to stay curled in a ball in bed other days…behind our eyes, so much has changed…we define things differently…we see folly and blessing in a more sharp focus…we feel humbled and grateful for things that previously would have passed our notice…we step up and say things we might have held back from before You Are So Lovely, You Make Me So Happy, You Are A Blessing To The World…we say these things without the care of what others might think, because we realize it may be the last chance to say them and these words are important to say…we say them because we realize that anyone of us can be walking with a strap around their heart, and it may be just the thing that helps them float again…the voyage doesn't end, you know…the water gets more shallow at times, more clear at other times, then gets deep and choppy again…Grief has grafted itself to our hearts - it is now a part of who we are forever…how we use that grief is what defines us…whether we look back at all that has slipped from our grasp and think It Will Never Be Good Again, or be grateful for the lesson that has taught us an even deeper compassion and taken us even deeper into Becoming - the choice is entirely ours…it is our experience and outcome to decide.  I am humbled to think that i was given the opportunity to become more than i was…that even as every safety net burned below my feet, i said Thank You…because the small part of grief that had grafted to my heart before - woke up - and reminded me that i had lived this before and made it through, and so i would again…that tiny voice helped me be thankful through some of the worst and scariest and nastiest bits of life to date.
we are the walking wounded, yet not - we have chosen to claim our Grief and accept it and use it as we stand and go forward, even as we would use a great good blessing.
i ask for Grace and time of ease for a while, and know it's time to put the lessons to task…and i hold your hand as you float, lest you forget i am here with you.

*heat (metal or glass) and allow it to cool slowly, in order to remove internal stresses and toughen it.

Saturday, January 23, 2016

i have an exhausting list of things to accomplish…things i want to do, things i need to do, things i should do…i slept in a bit today, let Hen out very briefly (it's tingly cold out), then brought a mug of coffee back to bed where Hen & I snuggled and I read for a while.  It was a perfect morning.  I eventually got up and cleaned the house.  oh - the Stuff list.  it's hard to nail down what direction to go in - but it is crunch time.  do i want to disassemble my studio and make yet another office/guest room?  who are all these people i expect to stay over?? do i want to clear away much of my studio, then re-do as needed?  do i want to stay put, move someplace warmer, oy oy oy.  i need to point in one direction and Head There.  what i am asking for, no matter what, is a tribe.  a group of women to feel very comfortable with…to laugh with and share with and go on trips with.  a tribe of women to cook with and sit around campfires with…deep, binding hearts…connections that go deep and stay strong.  not just friends…but tribe members.  i get it now.  I am So Grateful for the women friends i have…i owe so much to them.  and i want to fold them into this tribe.  to me, a tribe is more than a group of women who do things together.  a tribe sustains one another.  they aren't afraid to go deep, when it's called for, but going deep is not an essential element to every gathering.  a tribe is a group of SisterFriends.  women to call on a moments notice to go see a movie or grab a dinner somewhere or the like.  i have many deep friendships in the area, but so many of the women have kid's activities on weekends, or other family obligations.  most of my life, i've had to work weekends, so that time together hasn't really meant much.  now it does. so that's my thing right now - a tribe.  in other areas of life for me - it's all so god! i passed my Computer final with a 97, and moving onward and awaiting some answers from financial aid to see what will happen with my choices.  fingers crossed.
my best thoughts for friends in the path of the storm this weekend.

Thursday, January 14, 2016


Did i mention I bought a Powerball ticket?  and that we also played at work?  did i mention that?  well, no matter - i didn't win.  but, yeah, i kinda did - see, in an off moment from time-to-time (not full time daydreaming) but once in a wispy moment, like just before the sandman comes tip toeing up the bridge of your nose and dusts your eyes with sweet dreams and snores…at those times, i thought about what i would do if i won.  and so i became a winner.  in a different sense.  no cash value - so don't start calling. i won because i was able to refine my priorities, my wants, my needs, my goals and my wildest dreams.  the Big What Ifs took form.  and since there was no cash value attached, when all was said and done, i am now able to set my foot in the direction of some of those dreams.  modified, of course.  but no doubt as heartfelt. And i realized that it doesn't need to be This OR That - it can be both.  Or all. I didn't have to put things on hold while I accomplished one personal goal…it could be about working toward that goal (education) AND getting some Magic done elsewhere down the street.

so as last year ended with gratitude for things lost, this year begins with gratitude for things never gotten in the first place!

i still have the goals and directions, but without all the entangling tax headaches! Adventure On, as my friend Wendy Ellertson says, Adventure On!

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Wait - what??

Did I mention that I am wont to change my mind with the spin of a hat? Did I mention that sometimes I need this space like I need a companion? No? I must have forgotten to mention that. In the exhaustion that was last year, I was probably thinking "oh, one less thing." Which it was. But the wrong thing to let go of. I can think of at least 6 other things that should make the cut before this.
And so, where were we? Oh right. But first - happy new year to you! I hope it's started out well. I know of no less than a few who have spent new year's first days saying goodbye to beloveds...in one way or another. This has been such a strange few weeks.  In a gentle and unobtrusive way, Big Thoughts have crept into my craw and started a ramble...like the tumbling of semi-precious stones in a dime store rock polisher...old thoughts, new thoughts, half-formed thoughts all rolling around to be ground down to smooth edges, or polished fine as fire.
Old thoughts: I have a deep dark secret confession to make. I have always felt a little Less Than because I didn't finish my degree. Well, sort of didn't. I have an AAS, but never continued on to a Masters degree like I had wanted. It seems there has always been someone under my care since my dad passed away in 1977, and there was either no time, or no money to carve out the task. My ideas and interests have gone all around the board, so when I did have the time and money at the same time, indecision was my enemy.  In conversation with a friend recently, it was pointed out that I had started 2 companies from thin air, run them successfully, then moved on of my own decision.  I had taught myself marketing, copywriting, business plan making, built my own website, and on & on.  With instinct. And no degree. Yes but...
So why does the piece of paper mean so much to me? And is it the paper, or the title, or the actual education that I am wishing for? I think at this stage of my life, I crave learning. And there are some gaps I need to fill in order to be successful in the time ahead.  My original plan was to get certified as a medical coder - a good plan...a portable career, and one I could do from a home office as a solo subcontractor. I watched and listened as my coworker studied and tested and wrote papers and went through the past 2 years of the course. I began saving and began a GoFundMe campaign. I can see that it will be a while before that plan takes root, and in the meantime, I needed to have something to keep myself busy & engaged with the outside world. So I started YourGreatSpace, an organization business. I love seeing the difference a clear and workable space makes in people's lives. It has been an exhausting few weeks as I got kicked by a bug and laid low.  The holidays took over. Now...now it is time to grab morning by the biscuits and get a groove on. Now it's time to start the promotion and marketing. I'm exhausted with the thought of it, but thrilled and grateful for the opportunity.  My goals for the year are simple:
More magic
More reverence
Super Deluxe
I want this year to kick the ass of the best year I've ever had. I want this year to end with a slide into home plate, hair on fire and a huge grin, saying what the hell! It was great! I want 2016 to be the best of all bests...not a year to sit limply by and make gentle excuses for whatever...I want it to be a damn screaming Mimi of a year with fun and giving and philanthropy and good friends and travel and at least one good solid companion. Male or female. A companion to share this about-to-be even more fabulous life with...not romantic- just someone to look at and say Did You See THAT??? I have spent too many years being gentle with myself and sitting quietly and tiptoeing around others. I want this to be the year of bold progress and letting go and giving up and grabbing the good greatness of YES. Damn skippy.
And so, I am back here. Randomly, no doubt. But I have a feeling somewhat often, as the tumblers tumble, and a great polished gem or two spits out.