a Tiny description

a full time artist, stepmother, radio personality, and mom to an energetic Chug dog, tries to get through the days without committing a felonious act. My life is a rickety Zen circus.

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Thursday, January 28, 2016

we are the walking wounded.  yet not.
we bear the stripes of our Grief around our hearts.  we have chosen to lie back in the pool of Grief and backfloat, knowing it was the Only Way…covering ourselves in it's thick blanket, because it is all we have...  Honoring our Grief while despising it…bringing forth a sulfur of hatred for the reasons of it, yet knowing deep down that there would come a place of Gratitude for it…feeling the hopelessness of it, knowing the reasons for it were beyond our control…knowing we surely were not the first to feel these feelings, yet having certainty that our response in our heart and body and mind was ours alone…that in nurturing and experiencing our Grief to the fullest gives honor to the Love and fierceness of the ties we held with our beloved.  We aren't broken - we are strengthened, though in the annealing* process, there are times when it might be easier to just meld with the fire and be lost.  but we don't.  we learn to honor ourselves, as well…to not be afraid to tuck in and be silent…to reach out and be with others if needed…to not be afraid of our tears showing…to accept hugs and accept that others may feel awkward, and allowing them that - their lesson to learn…to stand tall some days and be able to smile, but to stay curled in a ball in bed other days…behind our eyes, so much has changed…we define things differently…we see folly and blessing in a more sharp focus…we feel humbled and grateful for things that previously would have passed our notice…we step up and say things we might have held back from before You Are So Lovely, You Make Me So Happy, You Are A Blessing To The World…we say these things without the care of what others might think, because we realize it may be the last chance to say them and these words are important to say…we say them because we realize that anyone of us can be walking with a strap around their heart, and it may be just the thing that helps them float again…the voyage doesn't end, you know…the water gets more shallow at times, more clear at other times, then gets deep and choppy again…Grief has grafted itself to our hearts - it is now a part of who we are forever…how we use that grief is what defines us…whether we look back at all that has slipped from our grasp and think It Will Never Be Good Again, or be grateful for the lesson that has taught us an even deeper compassion and taken us even deeper into Becoming - the choice is entirely ours…it is our experience and outcome to decide.  I am humbled to think that i was given the opportunity to become more than i was…that even as every safety net burned below my feet, i said Thank You…because the small part of grief that had grafted to my heart before - woke up - and reminded me that i had lived this before and made it through, and so i would again…that tiny voice helped me be thankful through some of the worst and scariest and nastiest bits of life to date.
we are the walking wounded, yet not - we have chosen to claim our Grief and accept it and use it as we stand and go forward, even as we would use a great good blessing.
i ask for Grace and time of ease for a while, and know it's time to put the lessons to task…and i hold your hand as you float, lest you forget i am here with you.




*heat (metal or glass) and allow it to cool slowly, in order to remove internal stresses and toughen it.

2 comments:

Kim Mailhot said...

Oh my friend, how beautiful this is! I read it through three times, each time marveling that my friend speaks this message so very eloquently and soulfully.
Love you, friend and I'm grateful to be on this journey with you. ❤️

Denise Feldman said...

Beatufiul. And thank you (again) for the reminder that we're each carrying our own load, our own Grief. And that it looks different for us than for our neighbor, our friend, our family, our kindred, our teacher...own it, love it, RELEASE it when the time feels right. In little itty bitty amounts. Or in big huge thrusts from deep in our gut. In the end, it is a teacher, a guide. On how to live the most beautiful life. With the good, and with the tough, knee crippling shit. Thank you for sharing. Your writing is awesome!