a Tiny description

a full time artist, stepmother, radio personality, and mom to an energetic Chug dog, tries to get through the days without committing a felonious act. My life is a rickety Zen circus.


Wednesday, December 31, 2014

stolen from Patricia Seggebruch's blog:

‘Deep in the wintry parts of our minds we are hardy stock and we know there is no such thing as work-free transformation. We know that we will have to burn to the ground in one way or another, and then sit right in the ashes of who we once thought we were and go on from there.’
Carrie Newcomber
- See more at: http://www.pbsartist.com/blog/#sthash.XMgSBiec.dpuf

yes.  We Will Have To Burn To The Ground.  funny, in the past few days, I've planned a few gatherings, and all of them involve fire...a chili/sled party with a Big Bonfire...a Sky Lantern release, which involves lighting a flame under a tiny hot air balloon...my birthday cake had candles...and a few other get together things.  so i accept the Burn.  i will look forward to what may grow back after, much like the tender, green shoots that appear following a lightning strike and fire in a forest...the shoots push up through the ash, and grow strong and woody.  the forest is replenished anew.

wishing you a new year filled with brand new shoots.....

Sunday, December 28, 2014

candles candles candles

today is my birthday.  yesterday was my party.  i made it easy and casual…if a person wanted to, they could stop in at the golfcourse restaurant near my house and say hi, have a bite, have a drink, eat some cake.  easy peasy. of course i had an 80-pound cake
i know, right?
At one point, in the midst of all the magic of being on a sugar high, plus a glass of wine, i realized that i was one lucky girl.  i realized how empowered i felt by the friends gathered at the ever-lengthening table…how i believed in each one of them, and they believed in me.  not just word-wise, but i truly believe that each of them could do whatever they decided they wanted to do.  and this made me feel so strong.  i realized that each of us has a purpose in one another's life, and that purpose may be to just be there - be around…their magic meets your magic and combusts into something super deluxe.  there were people at the table that knew me, but not another soul in the room.  but the room was filled with laughter and talk and hopefully new friends made.  there were a few people in particular that i knew would tend the conversational fires, so i felt as much a guest as anyone - i didn't have to be hostess with a capital H.  which was part of the reason i chose to have the event in a restaurant, and also why i chose that particular spot.  the view was gorgeous, with french doors overlooking the golfcourse,  a roaring fireplace, relaxed atmosphere and no rush.  and friends.  as each one arrived, i was overwhelmed.  i hope i mingled enough, but my spirit was filling up with all the goodness, and it was hard to keep track.  It was exactly what i envisioned for my Sunday dinners, and holiday open house dinners.  Someone remarked about the number of folks that showed up, and said they don't have as many friends, and i realized once again, how very very blessed i am and how grateful i am.
thank you.  you.  for being a part of my life, simply by reading this blog.

Friday, December 26, 2014


i started walking again today.  having lost a bunch of weight since The Announcement, i figured i may as well count it as a blessing.  as i walked, my thoughts turned a hamster wheel.  i let them, knowing they'd sort themselves out.  sure enough they did.  Why do you fear?  because i can't see the path.  Why do you fear that?  because i don't trust.  Why don't you trust?  because i've always been left to clean up after the circus.  Why do you clean up?  because my sawdust is intwined.  Why do you join such messy circuses?  ahhhh…the unanswered question.
maybe sunday's question to start with…tomorrow, i gather with my besties for a birthday…mine.  which is actually sunday, but…

not bad for 6,324 steps.

Wednesday, December 24, 2014


here is what i imagine for my life: a garden.  bee keeping. a large long dining room table to fit anyone who wants to join me to break bread and feel included or just enjoy the sunshine of each other's company.  or maybe a huge round table so everyone can see one another.  stitching.  mending.  baking bread.

on this christmas eve, i wish for you dreams…whether they come to pass, or whether you simply savor the sweetness of their form in your mind…dreams, and no regrets.  that is my wish for you on this night.

Sunday, December 21, 2014

i get it

I get it.  i get it.  i get it.  i am learning some difficult lessons…i am not the first down this path, i know this for certain.  but it is my first step down this particular road.  i can share some of the lessons with you, if you promise not to feel sorry for me or think this is a ploy for pity.  i am traveling a journey, just like everyone else in life is traveling a journey.  mine is not happy or easy right now, but i am reaching through the brambles to get the sweet fruit.
i get it, now…the part about looking outward.  always.  i'd like to think that i'm a thoughtful person.  i'd like to think that in my life, i keep a watchful eye for those who need a hand - maybe having their christmas layaways paid off, or paying it forward at the grocery store or some gesture.  but i now understand that there is a deeper, or maybe just different, or maybe Also Another place of need.  maybe a smaller gesture. and it's especially apparent at This Time Of Year…inclusion.  i am doing my very best to stay busy…to keep my mind from rolling into the dark corners and pinging off the footboards of the walls.  and i'm incredibly grateful to the neighbor who asks me to meet her at the mall Yes The Mall on saturday before christmas to shop with her.  and for the friend who invites me to breakfast.  and the folks who realize that New Years will be an everlasting hell for me.  i am grateful for the lesson.  i am grateful to the friends and folks who have included me, not fearing that i may break out into a hivey song about Life Done Done Me Wrong.  i won't.  i am like a puppy - just happy to be going for a walk, even if it's raining.  And last night, after i mostly finalized my New Year's eve plans, i thought back on the times when i could have included someone, but figured they had it all nailed down - figured that they probably had plans that didn't include required relatives of a certain level of embarrassment or tension.  and i realized that no matter how much i didn't want to be where i was that day - they would have been thrilled to just have people to be with…to break bread with humans.  and so my Big Tiny for the day (since this epiphany occurred at 6:15am as my husband stumbled home) is that i need to be more watchful for opportunities to be more inclusive, and that i need to not be afraid to ask to be included.  and to send my apologies to those i may have had the opportunity to welcome in - but wasn't paying enough attention.  and i would ask that you do the same…adding an extra plate at the table, or cup of coffee…means. the. world.  and let them bring their dog.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

saran wrap & quicksand & Kim

yes - a 2-fer post.

my days and evenings feel like quicksand, and i see myself visually clinging clinging to a shred of…who knows what, and wishing for a cold, heartless heart.  clinging to quotes and pithy sayings and maybe even horoscopes, wrapping them up in emotional saranwrap to preserve, if they suit my purpose.
another person i wish you could meet is Kim…my Rock Fairy.  we met in the woods of NH in 2006 (?) when i found a rock she had hidden that said Expand.  it touched something inside and the tears flowed.  i got to meet her moments later, and we shared a Belgian waffle and a friendship of epic proportions began.  I had the opportunity to stay with her 2 summers ago, neither one of us realizing that she was about to relocate south…just savoring the moments without the clock ticking.  Kim has a way of listening and then talking…i'm not sure how she does it…she makes this little humming sound while you're talking that for all the world feels like you're being patted on the back, much like a mother burps her baby.  it is so soothing, that sound.  and then she asks just the right questions to make you answer your own trouble, or at least show she gets it.  it's some sort of magic that she produces.  there doesn't need to be a Point A To Point B…sometimes just a race around some tail-chasing circle.  and that's okay too.  Kim is beautiful.  Her eyes sparkle…she has a style that reflects her inner beauty and creativity.  and she is brave.  so so brave.  i wish there was a way for us to live closer, but i am grateful for the phone times we have.

there are so many cool things happening…and so many truly awful & ugly things happening.  i try not to drag friends down the rabbit hole with me.  i try to be more than my circumstance.  i try to plaster a smile on my face, hug Henry close, and shut my eyes.  and some days it works.  not today.  but some days.  so today i busy myself with laundry and vacuuming and trying to de-flea.  yes…fleas.  i've washed every square inch of bedding and vacuumed every fiber of fiber in (most of) this house.  the comforter has just come back from the dry cleaners, and i'm ready to re-do everything.  wishing i had some help with Henry this morning so I can finish some christmas shopping.  but maybe tonight after work.  a trip to the dr's yesterday yielded a prescription for xanax, and the news that i've lost 10 pounds.   so that quit-smoking weight is finally coming off.  soon i'll be able to slip my wedding rings off.  that should be a relief to my husband, who will likely try to sell them.  but now i'm dipping my toes in the dark waters…so back up.  dearest perfect stepdaughter was the recipient of ugly when she went to dinner and was awarded the bad news, unsuspecting.  i received a sobbing phone call.  ok really now - back out.
some pictures!

I found this in a box of stuff i was going through.  hope it's true:

This rack is empty, with most of it re-homed or free-pile'd:

some new work, a la Juliette Crane: (have How To Paint An Owl on loop in the studio.  That's her husband's band.  so soothing):

my birthday cake, except in pink, and just 1 layer:

Ellen & I did some cooking at the NY Wine & Culinary Center:

Random Henry picture, because who can resist??

yes…this shirt will soon have a new home:

my tree this year…sort of lost interest after the new lights and 1st go around with bulbs, but she's a beauty:

 Really really look at this, and tell me there's "impossible."

Monday, December 15, 2014

I'm aware that there are thousands of people who get the TUT emails daily.  And most, if not all, of them get the same one.  But...
I have to say the last few weeks have held some Right On Target messages.  Like today's, below.

In yesterday's post, I was talking about the women around me who have supported me in my recent Lifechange Opportunity. I neglected to mention Caroleena.  I thought I had, but after getting a late night text from her, I realized that I hadn't.  And Caroleena has a way...she owned a gallery locally.  Took over for one that was closing.  Stepped in to fill the great void of venues to display art, sell art, gather as artists.  As much as she hoped to make money at it, her core reason was to provide this space for the artists.  And provide advice, build up confidence, and dispense aspirin and wine. There is so much to say, that there are no words.  We have each been there for one another during the really, truly ugly times...the fetal position in the corner times.  And have been there for each other's successes.  And the love offered for each swing of the pendulum has been equal.
Here's the TUT...

Opportunity never stops knocking. New friends are on their way. The ideas you need will find you. You'll have another chance. Things are getting brighter. You are feeling lighter. Love is rising. Be still. Prepare. Others will call you lucky. Your parents are so proud. You ain't seen nothing yet. Look out world, Linda G is stirring. A giant is waking up. 

Sunday, December 14, 2014

You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” -A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh
‘Do not wait until the conditions are perfect to begin. Beginning makes the conditions perfect.’ Alan Cohen

“We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.” -Joseph Campbell

What a beautiful evening with my dear friend…she is brave and strong and has dealt with much more in her life than a person should have too, plus she built her own log house.  And then gave it to her husband, just to be free of him.  and she did it all without a whimper or whine…with such grace and self-assurance.  to lose your home, have to start over with 2 young kids, leave your beloved dogs behind, and face one of the scariest health diagnosis a woman can face…all. at. once.  It never fully registered with me that she was swimming through the poop, and for that i have deep regret.  it's just that she chose the high road…she chose to just put one foot in front of the other and trust that the ground would be there.  I can only hope to have half of her strength and grace.  i suspect i will fall short, but tonight, just being with her, let some sparks loose again.  and when she was leaving, and said " it will be good to see Linda appear again,"  well, i was just about destroyed.  she is amazing.  i am grateful for her, along with the Pat Patty Patricia Trish's.  All these amazing women have been put in a circle around me…Ellen, Kim, Joey, Tracy, Chris, Denise (betcha didn't guess!), Kelleygirl, Mary Poof Ellen,  Georgette ...and that's just this weekend…more are in the circle.  i think it's so so important to circle the ones we love - and not just in an imaginary, mystical circle…but if possible in person…be it a coffee hour, or crochet, or just a time set aside to go for a walk together - imagine a group of strong women walking down the road together!  an army!  women don't always reach out.  we are supposed to be the caretakers and the organizers and the life-fixers.  but when we need care taken with our own selves, it seems selfish or weak to ask, sometimes.  or we make a joke of it.  or we feel like we've bitched enough about whatever the topic is.  But it takes many false starts, sometimes, before the leap…trying out the idea out loud.  women are wired to gather…to gain strength from the group…to find like-minded souls and hearts.  i've never ever understood jealousy of one another.  i've never understood drama between women.  we need one another to survive…to make it through…to learn and grow strong and happy…to look into the mirror and see each other.  i cannot find words to express to you how deeply deeply grateful i am to have these women surrounding me with a shield against myself…to lead, and not let me get too far off course, while allowing me to choose my steps and the pace.  i will find a word, somehow, in some language to express this.  or i will make one up.  and to say "thank you" is so very understated, but please accept it for now.  and as you hold me, i hold others, as well.  so, do you see how we're all one family?

from my sister-in-law:  Hey I hear the divorce is real now! Congratulations! How wonderful to go into 2015 knowing that this thing you have wanted for so long is finally coming to pass! I wish you all the best on your new adventure!
Now, how can a person not whip their head around and say Booyah on that one?  I smile when I think of this note.  She is amazing.

Tomorrow, you just have to meet my Rockinest friend!  

Pat Patty Patricia Trish

There's magic in that name, I guess.  I've spent part of this morning pinging between texts from one Patricia to emails from another.  And each one, in their own way, has taken this battered heart that Thinks It Can, It Thinks It Can and lifted it up to full steam.  Having spent the last So Much Time spinning on every cylinder and moving at the speed of light toward my destiny with joyous wonderment...to get tripped up by my husband's divorce news has been a double blow. If I wasn't feeling so much Goodness before, there would be less to lose. Heart wise.  This whole event is such a mind spinner...one one hand, I am brought to the ground with the timing of his announcement.  Am I the first & only woman who's experienced this cruelty? Not a chance, unfortunately.  I stand, and stand firm, and even smile at the opening made for me to continue on a journey that will look wholeheartedly mine. Wholehearted was my "word" for 2014, I just remembered.  Hmmm. Yet in the same instant, I am terrified.  Cold sweat freaking out.  So I am trying to keep it together and trying to figure this out.  I am even more grateful for the friends that hold my heart when I can't, because it's difficult to find the words for what my soul needs. It has everything it needs...I just moved it to a foreign country with a language I don't speak.  And sadly, I see some friends pulling away.  It is not my intention to be an emotional or time suck.  I know there will be moments when I just need to hear a friendly voice talking about mundane things.  Just to have a normal touchstone space in my day/week/whatever.
But this morning, pinged between my queen, and the queen bee, text and email, I realized that the journey is mine alone, but the path has been made smooth by those who have gone before me.  I need only follow their grace and courage, and I'll be just fine in the end.  If I'm not fine, it isn't yet the end! Thank you, Pat Patty Patricia Trish, for allowing your joy and grace and struggles and Keeping On spirits to ooze out into the world to blaze the trail...thank you for not hiding the difficult bits, but most importantly - for showing me the power & the getting through.  I am grateful, so grateful, for you both.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

wonder woman

there have been an amazing number of Tiny Steps in the past few weeks…a few stumbles, but mostly each and every moment has been one of empowerment and learning and going for the Tiny.  it has definitely not been all shiny and tiaras the past 11 days.  but looking back, so far, i can see the lessons.  and that helps.  the constant question is: What holds me?  and in that question, the key to everything…what holds me back from moving forward?  and you don't have to be "stuck" in some great dilemma in order to ask the question…or need it asked.  if you're doing an end of year home/studio/closet clean out - what holds you?  what is it that owns you, rather than you owning it?  for me it was the huge & ginormous accumulation of art supplies…a giant continent of rusty metal and old wooden whatnots and baby doll heads and game pieces, etc.  That, for the most part, is gone.  the ceramic bits scheduled to be re-homed tomorrow.  (the snow cancelled today's disgorging).  i feel so much lighter - SO much lighter.  and for the first time in almost a year, i'm back at my work table in my home studio.
this winter will be one of making determined steps toward how i want my life to look in the spring…garden…bees…Tiny.  my friend Lynn has assured me that, despite my moments of panicked visualization, i will not end up living in a cardboard box under a bridge.  That has been my irrational yet real fear for years, and has held me firm to the spot i am living in.  another friend works at an abused woman's shelter, and she said it was not an uncommon fear.  so i feel better about that.  and am ready to kick it to the curb.  that has been my tactic - at night, just before sleep comes, the What If's sometimes hit.  rather than turn them this way and that, gazing at their endless and horrid possibilities, I picture myself putting them in a box & sealing it up & putting it to the roadside, saying "I'm done with that in my life."  it's worked.  sometimes the boxed up terror will hitchhike home, and i repack it and send it down a cliffside, never to return.  today is Grandma's Coming day for Henry, so i'm off to shower off the snow shoveling sweat.
wishing you a Tiny day….

Monday, December 08, 2014

ok and enough

If you managed to get through my last post without slitting your own wrists, i applaud you.  i am leaving it there for my own future reference on just how pathetic a pity party can be.  well, to be fair - more of a panic party.  and i really wanted to have that tree lit and festive.  but it isn't and it won't so Move On.

i do have choices in life, and when i finally got out of my own way this morning, i realized it was time to make some choices…as Henry's tiny little paw reached out and touched my cheek…as kitty curled around my left foot…as i snuggled so tightly under the hand-made quilt…i released i had choices…they were all mostly ugly, but some less ugly and that's a blessing…so with renewed vigor, i continued the process of dismantling my studio upstairs - loosening up and re-homing Every Single Thing that doesn't justify it's space…am i passionate about it any longer - no? then it must go.  on so many levels.  i spent the weekend (between crying jags) helping a dear friend begin the process of reorganizing her studio, and consolidating her home studio into her Big Girl Studio that she shares with her brother.  Her house has no room to be a home…it's all floor to ceiling studio stuff…i mean this literally…i felt claustrophobic and overwhelmed, so i can't imagine how she & her brand new husband feel on a daily basis - just 1 room not filled.  and i saw myself.  with all the issues/choices floor to ceiling swirling around me.  and grabbed a mental box and started stuffing it to kick it to the curb.  if you asked, i'd say that Right Now i feel good - sad but determined.  and i'll take that.  balance.  today's email had this in it, reminding me to see beyond what looks like poop:

Some things don't sound like they look. 

Others don't look like they sound.

There are friends who don't act like friends.

And enemies who'd never dream of hurting anyone.

But, Linda, do you know what the strangest thing about time and space is?

Your thoughts will never betray you. They will strive to become things. You can change your circumstances on a dime. And where you've been, has no bearing on where you can still go. 

Sunday, December 07, 2014

Tonight, I blew up the Christmas tree

I am an adult, middle aged woman.  I am an artist.  I have a dream job in radio.  I have an adorable little dog who eats most things he shouldn't but is forgiven immediately.  I have some incredible friends. I have a ton of dishes to serve up tasty food, which I love to prepare for you.  I have fought my way back from being paralyzed.  I have walked away from many things that tried to own my soul.  I have been a figure skater, a process server, a police dispatcher, a karate dojo administrator, a musician.  I have run a successful import business.  I am an organizer and a loyal friend.  A life coach (seems odd) to help others light their way. I am an event planner, and in the midst of putting together an international fine art photography show.  Until last Monday, my feet rarely touched the ground...I was that high on my life and blessings and the direction it was all taking me.
Despite this....
I feel numb.
No, numb is wrong.  I think I hurt in ways so deep that it doesn't have sensation that can be named.  A knife so sharp, you don't know you've been cut.  A cruelty so hurtful it defies even asking why the particular timing.
It is Christmas and I am dreading dreading the day.  Even more so, dreading New Year's Eve.  I don't know my way down this dark path...don't know how to act or move about.  Tonight I accidentally went to hug my husband, out of reflex, while walking past him in a narrow hallway by the washer & dryer.  He recoiled.  I don't know my way through this.  I notice some friends taking a step back.  I try to be more than this circumstance.  I'm not sure how.  I'm afraid I'll have a panic attack while I'm on the air.  I hate that every sentence starts with "I" because I feel like I've tucked into myself already, like an armadillo tucks in to keep only his hard shell available to an assailant. I need a Xanax and a map.  And my fucking wings.

Saturday, December 06, 2014

i'm taking an online class with Juliette Crane, and at the top of today's lesson, there are a few quotes that resonate:

Any way you want it to be, that’s just right. -Bob Ross
We have to continually be jumping off cliffs and developing our wings on the way down. -Kurt Vonnegut

Yesterday, i went to see my counselor, who said, among other things "he doesn't deserve you."  i appreciate the sentiment.  i agree.  but what a strange-o moment.  I'm getting to the place where i am pretty much done with the "helping" profession.  having gone to a counselor on and off for many years as i attempt to trounce PTSD,  and also with husband for marriage counseling, i realize that they are basically being paid to listen.  period.  or to watch you argue with your spouse.  every so often, a word of encouragement is offered, but really, since i've been paying attention, there hasn't been much else offered.  i'm not sure what i expected, but it was ….more.  there was one woman i saw who had huge brass balls.  and she spoke her mind and told you how she felt and was gentle with your emotions in a no-nonsense way.  she said her goal was to not have you sitting in front of her every week forever.  she wanted you up and out of "care" and skipping on your own two feet.  i adored her, and her little office by the river.  sadly, she passed away.  a few weeks before she died, she asked me if i had left him yet.  i said no, and she said that was a shame.
but moving ahead….

Wednesday, December 03, 2014

my apologies - i keep trying to get to this page, but don't quite know what to write.  can i bore you with some background for a moment, and perhaps you'll find your head nodding with kinship on some points?  if not, i promise - it will be good in the end…if it isn't good, it is not yet the end (my favorite quote from Marigold Hotel).

15 years ago, I was younger, stronger, on top of the world…working as a news anchor for the hottest ticket here.  I had boyfriends and girlfriends and a motorcycle and a brand spankin new tattoo, if you must know.  Living the dream.  a choice led me to ditch that and go work at "a meaningful job" at 911. 5 years later, i left…broken and bruised…newly married…hiding my shattered self inside a whirlwind of step-parenting and new house shopping and nest building.  within a month i discovered just how much he loved alcohol.  a binge drinker who has yet to admit the extent of his problem, preferring instead to mock me as prudish and "a buzz kill."  I became even more beat down.  i liken it to making paper pulp, where you agitate and beat the ingredients until they become homogenous and pliable, with no structure left.  then you pour this glop into your own mold, and soon…voila!  except i became the ingredients.  except strands of the original material remained, untouched.  and the strands bonded together and held firm.  I was on my own emotionally.  i was on my own, also, to physically take on the challenges of the day - fibromyalgia and RA teamed up with sleepless night of PTSD nightmares.  None of which my husband believed I have, so help was not there for me.  I am lucky that my Kita would wake me up when a nightmare rocked my body - all those calls from 911 piling up into 1 great ball of crap. most of my friends from that time are gone - either walked away because they couldn't understand why i stayed, or else i walked away from them - seeing my former self in their eyes was too difficult.  and every time i would screw my courage up and say i was done, something would blow me back down.  i allowed this wind to toss me for 13 more years.  (i know, right??) till last summer i had had enough.  and thus began the Tiny Step Initiative.  a plan within a plan to become my best self, once again.  it began with cooking - a skill i could never excel in.  but i did it.  and did it very very well.  the Tiny Step has kept me on track, breaking down this seemingly insurmountable life change into a daily, small step.  some days the step forward is just: don't take a step backward.  And since I began the journey in May (ish), I cannot tell you the explosion of fabulous that has come into my life…the ways in which i have been allowed to touch others' lives, too.  i have grown strong in my spirit, once again, and have begun to think that i can actually do this thing - this Tiny House thing. I imagine what i want my life to look like, with homesteading and canning and the like.  not survivalist…not bunker in the hillside.  but living simply with tiny choices.
and i began to hear that wind blow…as i became stronger and more resolute within myself, the challenges began to deepen from within my own house.  2 days ago, which is exactly 24 days before Christmas (my 2nd favorite holiday) and 27 days before my birthday (my favorite holiday), my husband received advice from what has to be the 2nd cruelest person on this earth…i say 2nd cruelest, because it took the 1st cruelest to follow the advice.  while we were eating dinner, and i talked of getting the tree decorated and what to make for Christmas dinner,  he blurt out robot-like that he is "planning to proceed with a divorce action."  24 days before christmas and 27 days before my birthday, this is the best conversational tidbit he can offer.  I have 2 friends that are divorce attorneys, and both of them have said they refuse to begin an "action" at any time between november 15th and christmas day. they say that anyone who wants that is just being cruel to the other party, and they will not allow it.  They have to sleep at night, too.  all bets are off in the case of abuse, of course.
so after 13 years, 4 months, and 1 day during dinner 24 days before christmas and 27 days before my birthday, i should not be surprised.
however, i am crushed.
so my tiny step today, and has been for the past 2 days, and will continue to be:
Keep it together.
I can't say if i'll be posting more, or posting less…right now, i feel run over and numb, with tears coming at awkward times.
so now the choice minute-by-minute becomes …be a victim or be a Tiny Stepper?  I choose to let myself Just Be.  I will not allow myself to become my own worst master.  i hear words from well-meaning friends who say that, in time, i will be fine.  and i accept those words and hold them close.  they have walked the walk, and i am glad for their words.  but i will allow myself times to completely. break. down.  I am not the first to walk this path…by far.  and i won't be the last.  but maybe we can all hold each other's hands as we walk, no matter where you are on the journey, and we can all be buoyed by the strength of our sisters and by looking back to where they stand and seeing how far you may have come.
i received this in my emails today, reminding me that i am no longer broken.  shaken, stirred and crumpled for now.  but not broken:

'Twas the month of Christmas and on every single day,
I thought of the things that might brighten your way.
And then it just hit me, like a sleigh hits a roof,
that with your own thoughts, you could be your own proof.

So choose them with care, Linda, and lots of emotion,
because it's what you are feeling that sets them in motion.
And when the clock strikes 12, on a particular eve,
you might not believe all that's under your tree.

Metaphorically, dear.

Tallyho, ho, ho!
    The Universe