Wednesday, April 23, 2014

trying to get to my studio table…so many ideas and half-finished projects swirling around.  i can't seem to put myself in art motion, though.  it makes me tired to think about it.  yesterday recorded a massive nap, and i thought this whole cpap thing was supposed to make me feel more rested.  not yet.  not like this one…
a half day at Blueprints, and he's zonked.  then recharged in full mischievous power.
in my never-ending quest for the perfect addiction, i've been on a buying rampage in the table linen and dinnerware departments.  today, my trunk filled with this:


and these…

I may need a 12-step.  *sigh*  but i love setting a beautiful table.  And Liam, the chef from Ireland that I've befriended while he's here visiting, Liam gave me an armload of old foodie magazines from the UK and nearby areas.  They are delicious in their photography.  I would love to be able to just cook and set beautiful tables and have amazing dinner parties.  i certainly have enough place settings!  oh - i'd need a new table, though…what i'd love to do is just open up the kitchen/dining/livingroom areas of my house and make 1 big room.  in the middle, have a long wooden burl table to fit 16 or so.  yes!  what fun that would be!  do Sunday potlucks and Sunday brunch-into-dinners.  Liam is going back to Ireland in a few weeks, and I'd love to have him join us for our Sunday family dinner before that.  (Sunday family dinner is a tradition I started a few months ago in order for everyone to reconnect.  i love it).
my dream is to go to Ballymaloe Cooking School for the 12-week course…but afraid I would end up like this:


tonight i have beef burgundy and rosemary rolls.  tomorrow, an appointment with a PTSD specialist.  very excited about both.  Kitty is snoring on the chair with me…Henry is snoring at my feet.  the smell of dinner is wafting up the stairs.  maybe i will make some art, after all…maybe i already have….

Monday, April 21, 2014

a perfect day

a festive table awaiting guests...


blooming just in time...


a tired pup catching rays...


happy mom...




Sunday, April 13, 2014

the weekend

Special reliquaries for the Most Special Girl…
remembering Krasnodar...





a trip with my Rock Fairy to Saratoga Springs for balancing, grounding, stitching and shopping…this one is for Cayetano...


Beautiful buildings….


missing this monkey...


this morning, an early trip to the park...



didn't see this coming, but I guess they qualify...

sleepy eyes….

awestruck...


it was the best weekend ever.  Thank you Kim.




Tuesday, April 08, 2014

why do you allow yourself to hate?  why, when you purport to be enveloped in the Sacred Love, do you allow this hatred to slither through your House?  this hatred is the remnants of scars on your ChildHeart.  find the wound and allow it's lesson, it's purpose.  acknowledge it, thank it, then bid it goodbye.  it has served it's purpose, and is no longer needed.  it's lessons have begun to sour.  quick, before it rots, gently take it by the hand and walk it away.

Monday, April 07, 2014

sen

Last fall, i spent a week on a private island with 20 gorgeous women.  they were wide open in their hearts, and gorgeous in their souls.  they were artistically talented and not selfish with their knowledge.
It was there that I learned the Japanese word "sen."
It means 1000.
and according to Lisa Solomon (who should know, being that she's Japanese), it is more than a number, although it is a number…it is doing something 1000 times to honor it, know it, gain mastery in it…think 1000 origami cranes.  Lisa has a precocious daughter who is an amazing being all on her own.  Lisa's mom was there, as well, and it was such an honor to watch 3 generations interact and spill into one another.
so back to sen.
it seems i will honor the same points of consternation in my life…making the same decisions with the same result 1000 times…so i've decided to honor my mistakes, rather than use them as a club to whack myself over the head…i will soon gain mastery in wrong decision making, and will be called sensei…and i will, indeed, honor these 1000 mistakes, for they will eventually lead me to the correct decisions and footfalls.  so then, are they really mistakes?

Friday, April 04, 2014

Courage

Loosely quoted from Brene Brown, Courage is to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart.  I would love to sit with you, and perhaps a pot of tea, or maybe some cake flavored vodka, and do just that.  Let's make a date, shall we.  There are so many private things that involve others still alive, though.  Tell you what...if you want the whole raw, unvarnished thing, comment here.  I won't publish your comment, but will send you the "invisible" post.
Speaking of visibility, have you ever felt invisible?  Unneeded, perhaps unwanted, perhaps out of date, perhaps irrelevant ?  I will say I have felt all of these things at various times, and at varying degrees.  And here's what I know : nobody is not needed.  Everybody is always needed.  There is a spot for each of us in this life...a Lego snap-together Tetris-like space that each of us was meant to fill.  It may not be a grand, worldwide, all encompassing mission that your life was meant to fulfill.  It may be, that just by showing up every single day, there are ripples that you create that make it all work.
There's so much more to say, but the hands won't go any further today.  Maybe more later, but that's the gist of it.
Wishing you visible ripples...the payoff for Just. Being. You.

Tuesday, April 01, 2014

"How does one become a butterfly? You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar."
                             - Trina Paulus


I live inside a magazine. I’m a juggler, balancing routine
Smoke and mirrors, wood, steel, skin and rock ‘n roll
You see that world in my eyes. I work to keep it safe and alive. 
Some place in between restless and secure 

I stood out in left field watching
Birds painting the clear blue sky
When I stood out in left field watching

You snuck up on me like a wildfire
Sparks and flames flashing and flying
And I felt the light inside jumpstart

They train wild tigers to heel. Make devices to stop a rolling wheel. 
And junkies get clean, make amends and start anew 
I could ask the universe for wealth. Pray to God I’ll always have my health 
But I’ll wait a long, lonely night for you 

I stood out in left field watching
Birds painting the clear blue sky
When I stood out in left field watching

You snuck up on me like a wildfire
Sparks and flames flashing and flying
And I felt the light inside jumpstart

You jump started every little feeling that I’ve pushed away,
compromised, isolated, memorized 
You jump started every little fantasy I’ve entertained to
go insane, I can’t contain, baby you’re to blame 

I stood out in left field watching
Birds painting the clear blue sky
When I stood out in left field watching

You snuck up on me like a wildfire
Sparks and flames flashing and flying
And I felt the light inside jumpstart

Saturday, March 29, 2014

when in doubt,  Follow The Peace.  It is never wrong.
ahhhhhhhh.

Friday, March 28, 2014

Sunday, March 23, 2014

it's been a week since i started training at my new job.  i am going to be flat out honest here, as i always am.  and this is the one place i can express myself without worry of letting someone down, or any such thing.  there are only my own expectations here.

it is not good here.
it is a delicate eggshell i am walking.
it isn't just missing Henry.  but it is that also.
it isn't just missing being a housewife.  but it is that also.
it isn't just the newness and complete transformation of my day.  but it is that also.

it is gaining a paycheck.  it is gaining daily camaraderie.  it is working for a company with guts and integrity.

it is also completely losing my time to create.  it is also trying to cram in time to walk and create amazing dinners and play with Henry and watch my shows and all the little things that make me into me.  it is ordering my time, 7 days a week, to make the 5 days a week work.  it is getting up at 5am so that i have time to eat breakfast and get ready and get out the door and commute 40 minutes and walk 2 blocks from the parking lot to sit in a dark and Very Warm classroom with a 30 minute lunch brought from home, while all i want to do is cry.  very hard.  and so, on the way home, i hyperventilate.  or call someone to distract myself.  but the inevitable will be the inevitable, and the gut-wrenching tears will come anyway, sooner-or-later.  it's also going to bed at 7 or 8 latest, in the guest bedroom because i'm going to bed 5 hours or more earlier than husband who snores and wakes me up 5 or more times a night.  it's missing my warm little cannonball of a dog at night, who curled against my tummy and sucked on the sheet to get to sleep.  he sleeps upstairs.  i sleep alone with my brand new cpap machine hissing.  it is also not having the time, temperament or energy to continue working to repair and strengthen ties that have gotten dry rotted…they dangle still.  it is also not having anything left to give those that i want to give to.  my sister and i have never had a relationship, having only met 3 times (long story).   she was just diagnosed with breast cancer.  despite the distance, i want to reach out to her, and i will, but feel like my well is empty.

it's also about the arguing and nastiness that has overtaken my house whenever i try to express these things.  and when i feel time-crunched and choose hemming pants over going to buy new window blinds, feeling a knife in my heart as an angry back slams out a door to go shop alone.  despite the unresolved conversations of the week.

i feel no shame in admitting that i cannot remember a time where i felt so entirely alone and sad…where my house seemed to want to spew me out…where i have felt so completely not myself.

but yes.  i do remember.  and it was that time not so many years ago, when i tossed the 9-5 in pure self-preservation and ran for my pillow.  yes.  there are millions of people who face horrific days and nights that make me sound like an incredibly spoiled and insensitive bitch.  but i am only called to live my own reality.

a counselor has offered to teach me techniques for better sleep and to lessen panic attacks.  although kind, it seems like patching up the wounded and sending them right back into battle.  i want to find a foxhole and stay put.

be careful what you wish for, is what TUT's advice is, because it will come to pass.

i wish you good thoughts, magical words to speak your wishes into truth…and a compass to seek the best course.


Thursday, March 13, 2014

so, i hope you're still out there.  my posts have been irregular and dismally insubstantial lately, and for that i apologize.  you've been so loyal…showing up here.
as you may be able to tell, it's dark o'clock here.  early by the earliest bird standards, and certainly by any hour i've seen in a very long time.  and every hour is measured by the "next week at this time" clock.  like right now - it's 5:49am.  Next week at this time, I'll be making eggs and toast, and getting my lunch ready, so i can go out the door to my new job.  and be there, 40 minutes away (in good traffic, which it won't be) by 7:40.  A.M.  It was my intention to rise and shine at my "new" alarm clock time all week, so as to acclimate myself to it, and to staying bright-eyed throughout the day.  sitting in a training room.  trying to absorb 12 weeks of material condensed into 3 weeks.  trying not to feel like i wanted to violate the alarm clock and chuck the job and Just Sleep In.  that didn't happen.  i'm already tired, and only got up because Henry jumped to the floor after Bulimia Cat woke him up by crawling up my side to cozy up on my ear.  jumping to the floor from the bed, is the international symbol for I Have To Pee.  Henry took to re-paper training like a duck to water, and was so proud to show off his pee-pee on the paper.  he'd come strutting around the corner and stand there waiting for a Good Boy!  husband decided then that he didn't like the idea.  despite the below zero temps.  despite the fact that it was sooo much easier & convenient for a short-legged dog and a tired mommy.  despite the fact that mom will be gone from the house for 9 hours and sometimes husband will be out of town.  so i am ashamed to say, poor Henry is confused and a little upset by the bickering.  one of the things i see is a power play and i do not like my warm little Being shoved into the middle.  I will not stand for it.  said momma bear.  grrrr.
this past week has been one of uncovering truths.  one of the biggest being that i never want what i've been wishing for.  true.  confusingly true.  i wish for something, and pray for something, and get it.  then complain about it or wish it away.  one Perhaps for that - do i think i don't deserve it?  but i do!  do i wish for things that aren't as amazing as i thought they'd be?  Everything??  and perhaps this is why i struggle with making such big decisions.  somewhere in my heart-of-hearts, i toss and turn over whether something is really a tosser, or whether it is a keeper that i'm afraid to keep.  or a tosser i'm afraid to toss - sort of a hoarder of Bad Things That No Longer Fit.  i do know this job will allow a certain amount of breathing room.  not as much as the other opportunity, but it's something.  and the other opportunity was never mine, so no use comparing.  already.  and no use counting my chickens, since it's less than an hour off my pillow, and i'm feeling the need to sleep again.  yes - i am terrified of failing this job.  afraid of not wanting to let it go, even if my body is saying so.  It's been so many years at an easel…so many years of being gentle with my body when it needed gentleness…of pushing a bit, knowing that i could back off if needed…and now headed back out full force - it seems too quick to jump back.  just 6 days notice to change my life completely.
cross your fingers for me, friend.
wishing you bright eyes and bushy tails today.
as for me - back to bed.

Friday, March 07, 2014

do you feel the changes lately?  it seems more like August to me…the month when everything seems to change for me.  Clarity has challenged many of my standards, this past week or two.

One thing rumbling around in my heart is this:
if you are an employer, don't discount an older worker.  i remember when i was in my 20's and worked at an insurance company, there was a woman who was probably 40.  i remember her as being Very Old and Probably Wouldn't Catch On.  truth be told, she was probably bored, and thought we were silly little girls. I recall throughout my various jobs, older people being phased out and warning me that it would happen to me too someday.  never, i thought.  i am smart and competent and easy to work with…i was chosen to learn the brand new computer-based system at one job, then tasked with training the entire department.  i was always chosen first.  i was always Employee of the Month.  i was a shining star.
And i see a trend.  i hear things i never thought i'd hear…"People Like Us need to show Them we can be comfortable around technology"  "People Like Us need to show that we are competent and can learn new things."  People Like Us.  coming from someone just a little younger than i am, who is dressing and styling her hair to try to look younger, but age-appropriate, but "with it."  It makes me tired.
I am the same person that won the awards, and led the charge, and saved a company a ton of money because of my ability to see the big picture.
But…I am older.
and not to write this in a tone of whining or entitlement.  just observation of my experience of late.
i am lucky to not have to depend on my own income to survive.  believe me, i am filled with gratitude for that.  You can't legislate hiring percentages based on age, yet i feel like there should be something to protect an older person who wants to work and is quite capable of working.  i feel as though i need to dress like an executive just to get an entry level job.  i can, if that makes you more comfortable talking to me, but honestly, i put those clothes to better use by donating them to someone just starting out.
and here's the thing…in becoming healthier, i also became heavier.  and the double whammy of being older and rounder make it very very difficult to get a fair shake.  not just sour grapes - have had my suspicions confirmed by 2 different headhunters.  i have an interview monday.  with a health insurance company.  i am eminently for the position.  i'll let you know.

Monday, March 03, 2014

2-fer

in my heart...

out my window...


on my window...




henry is not a morning person...



but when he plays, he plays hard.  His girlfriend Sadie comes over most days, and they tear it up out back in their snow trails...
inside for a minute of snow melt...

do not let those innocent faces fool you.  they are scheming.

today the sun is shining but i feel lazy and a little grumpy.  i dreamed a gorgeous dream of artwork i want to make, and even went to the studio prepared to bang out some good work today.  but sighed and sunk into the web instead.  at least there's laundry cooking, so something is getting accomplished!  i don't feel too terrible about it.  walked a few miles yesterday on the treadmill - it's just been too too cold to go outside & walk.  it's like winter is taking it's last few weeks and shoving it in our faces.  i hope i'm somewhere more temperate next year! i suspect Henry would agree.  i'm signing off today before i get too boring.  there just hasn't been much going on - watching the snow, shoveling the snow, making trails in the snow for Henry…that's about it.  made some damn good gumbo, though.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Have you ever met someone and felt instantly connected?  You spoke the same language, tho no words had been exchanged yet?  What if there were two someones like that?  and all 3 of you were in the same room together with art that has no words to describe it - only tears can express what you want to say?   and what of all of the above PLUS you were supposed to be writing an article about them, and their art, and their becoming artists while they were still wives and mothers?  you'd explode, right?  I mean who can expect much from a person in that position?
Please.  Believe me when I tell you that Edie Brown and Kristin Reagan are destined for greatness.  I am as certain of this as I am that my dog just ate my sock.  What is greatness?  you decide for your own selves.  but their work will be catching fire soon.  my advice is truly - buy it now.
I have pictures…they don't do any justice.  none.  i am fumble-fingered with a camera.  i cannot express the feeling of being in the presence of these two women.  and i know when they read this, they'll be ticked off because they don't think they are anything but wives and mothers and artists.  but their work tells tales on them.  and in person, they are gentlewomen and certain, but never egotistical.  never even close.  and they made the journey to get where they are.  and i would be pleased to see them continue up the hill.  please - forgive the camera work, but enjoy the images...














Tuesday, February 25, 2014

only a mother would understand

…and a mother of a young child might well scoff at me, but here it is anyway:
at 9:40 this morning, I dropped my Henry off for his 1st visit to doggie playcare.  it's just 3 hours, for his evaluation visit.  but when we got there, 2 other dogs, regulars, were being dropped off and it was a little chaotic.  the owner said she would call if there was a problem, and Henry wasn't sure exactly what was going on.  my instinct said to tell the owner that we would wait for the drop off people to be taken care of, then start off on the right paw.  but i didn't.  instead, i went a few doors down and wandered the aisles of Kmart, looking at Joe Boxer sports bras, and sweat pants and baby onesies (for a neighbor), and really, just wandered.  missing my Henry, who was probably having the time of his little life.  but i should have stayed and made sure the transition was less abrupt.  for both of us.  and made sure i saw exactly where he would be playing.  i had to bring his food in a little bag with his name on it, just in case.  he was nervous about getting in the car - remembering it was just a week ago that the ride ended at Dr. Ewa's.  I hope he thinks he's at The Best Place On Earth right now.  i just wish there was a way i could watch him play there…2-way mirrors or something.  i remember last night trying to plan what i'd do with my day, or at least my responsibility-free three hours.  now i'll just mope and fret until it's time to pick him up and hold his warm little body next to mine.  i hope he'll still have his Frito smell, and not smell like Other Dog Slobber.  i told him to stay away from any dog that had fleas, and I'll check him over when he gets home.  yes, i know i sound like a dope.  but Henry is my Henry.  he is my weakness, my kryptonite.



Monday, February 24, 2014

Saturday's table

totally diggin setting a nice table, making awesome food and having company in.  Must be a Martha Stewart phase.  And yes, today I'm wearing a pink sweater set….holy moly - time for a check up from the neck up.  yesterday - couch potato.  I did walk almost 5 miles in the morning, though.  then hurt my foot, so at least i have an excuse.  the spring-ish weather has turned against me today, and it's snowing and cold and blowing.  i'm headed downtown to "interview" my potential new doctor.  i really am done with "drive by" doctoring.  I'm not a hypochondriac, but i need someone to actually listen to what i'm saying in the exam room.  hopefully this will be the place.  Gail recommended him, and she is wise in these matters.  and an awesome cook.  and decorator.  and quilter.  and journaler.   she shames me.   so off i go into the tundra now.  news soon.

Friday, February 21, 2014

so you want to feel sexy?

well, let me tell you.  i am not one to strive for sexy, but neither will i turn down an opportunity to feel better about myself.  i don't spend a lot of time thinking about it, nor do i spend a lot of money trying trying trying.  let's face it - i've earned the right to be Presentable.  notice i didn't say va-va-voom or anything Christie Brinkley-like.  yes, i love looking and feeling great, but i also feel there are so many other things to worry about besides crow's feet and the like.
so the foundation is set for my point-of-view on things.

Last night, i participated in Part Two of my sleep study - a misnomer if ever there was one.  This particular night, i was to try using a cpap machine ALONG WITH having electrodes and motion belts strapped on, glued in my hair, on my face, up my pantlegs, etc.  You know, the usual.  I'm not sure what i expected the cpap to be, but it wasn't the Darth Vader thing that was strapped on me.  so, thusly encumbered, was told to go to sleep naturally.  okaaaaay.  i had to place ultimate trust in the respiratory therapist that he wouldn't let me die in my sleep.  And also that the thick goo would come out of my hair.  here's the contraption:

That is no one's face inside it, by the way.  yes.  all i could think of was I'm Your Father Luke, and try to keep up with the breathing sounds i heard.  i did feel well-rested in the morning, but honestly?  I don't see myself wearing this at night.  it pinched and, well, just didn't make me feel all that good about myself in the ego department.  My friend uses a cpap every night but has a different mask-thing, so today, after i get the glop out of my hair, i'll take a look online.  maybe something in pink glitter?  maybe i could bedazzle it?  not much of a girlie person, though.  maybe go all steampunk.  heyyy - maybe i could design some spanky looking units!  yeah!
sleep well, my friends.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

oh okay - 3fer

2-fer thursday



and in other news…..

Thank you, all, for your tender & kind emails and texts.  i know you are each right.  and i take your words in with the love that they were sent with.  my head won't wrap it up right now, though, preferring to go to mush.  and so i will let it have it's way with me for a bit.  not long.  just enough to acknowledge and not simply shovel over.  as is my M.O.
so, back to the drawing board…another day.  perhaps.

meanwhile, it is a tiara day...

can't seem to escape pink, thank you Sarah.
i feel like digging a hole and climbing in.  with some good tea and fluffy comforters, of course.  yesterday i received unofficial word that i did not get the job i spent 3+ hours interviewing for.  it was a job that i dared hope for, and felt confident that i would be 1 of 10 people added to their rosters.  yesterday, i got a text from a friend who is a supervisor there saying she heard they hired everyone and did i get notified?  i hadn't.  and it was just.so.disheartening.  I re-ran the entire interview in my head, and can't imagine i was anything but exactly what they want.  a fact i know, because i worked there for so many years before.  why call me in, unless there was a chance?  and my test scores were high.  so much so that i officially give up.  i don't understand this…a person with my qualifications should not be turned down or ignored from every job they apply for …for the past 18 months.  my husband's ex was a headhunter and said there is a bias among employers regarding older workers.  i would never have believed it.  but i do now.  experience is not a hot commodity in today's job market.
but i can't take the rejection from employers, and the rejection at home at the same time.  it is too overwhelming.  so i will curl up and hide for a while…maybe make some more artwork, maybe not.  just lick my wounds for a bit, get my sense of Self back, then re-emerge and kick some more ass.  meanwhile, include me in your thoughts and prayers, please.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

dead Bobbles and rust

woke up - cancelled everything - hit the studio with both feet…

you may recognize a certain pirate friend here:
and this one still needs finishing, but a good start...


meanwhile, Henry was frustrated and had much pent up energy.  I went downstairs for another coffee, and there was a trail of fluff down the stairs, through the livingroom and under the dining room table.  and there was a deflated & sad looking Bobble - his brand new toy.  i get it that he's been trapped inside for the better part of a month, due to the freezing weather.  i get it that there's usually just 1 day a week that his girlfriend Sadie can come over due to this same cold weather.  but i spend the better part of my life entertaining him, and expect 1 day to in the studio without worry.  but then, he is a dog, and has different reasonings than i do.  and doesn't remember yesterday - just this very moment.  *sigh*  so i guess i'll finally shower and step into normal life, and maybe get some play time in with that little goober.  stay warm.

Monday, February 10, 2014

all we need is a drummer

yes.

right, solid, right on








an early morning mile leaves a lot of time for music.  and musing.

Wednesday, February 05, 2014

we are all in this life together

Tuesday, February 04, 2014

ignore the year in the video…ignore the part that it's advertising for a shoe…look at the sentiment…Make It Count.  Make it count.  And listen to the commitment to themselves, and to each other…helping many to help themselves…today, Make it count.  Because y-o-u matter.



in other news…husband is in Orlando for a conference.  why don't they have them someplace normal? it's always tropical, warm, fun…Palm Springs, St. Thomas, California.  and always in the depths of winter.  and spouses are not welcome.  although there is nothing preventing me from grabbing a JetBlue anywhere I want to go.  Little Henry may not appreciate being shoved under a seat for a few hours, but…
today we broke double-digits, so a walk is in order.  he has cabin fever and is just about to explode.  i called a local doggie daycare, but he is 1 vaccination short of being able to come in for an interview.  and i thought i remember the vet saying something icky about the bordatella.  oy - he is dragging the draft dodgers away from the doors, so i'd better go….
Make it Count today….make your life mean something important to someone….

Sunday, February 02, 2014

Henry had a little company tonight for the game…er…not so little...
 here's perspective on size….


Henry was covered in slobber after Big Friend left, and needed a bath, which was NOT how he had planned to end the evening.  Purrl came in to watch, and accidentally fell in.  following much pandemonium, they felt a time out was in order….


and soon i join them.  You should know how excited i am that i had a lengthy job interview yesterday.  despite smacking my hand on the snowblower and other miscellaneous monkey wrenches, i made there and did the 2.5 hour testing, followed by more testing, followed by a double-team interview.  now i wait.  it felt good to get back in the game, at least a little bit.  the job is difficult & stressful, but the pay is amazing.  fingers crossed.  it's in God's hands now.  1 bad thing would be that I'd have to cancel my plans to get back into the woods this spring - no days off allowed during training and the 6 month probation.  and $35/hour is worth it to me to cancel.  much as it would disappoint me, and as much as i would miss my girltribe even more.  okay - to bed for me.
wishing you friends of all sizes who understand you.