need your help

I am a semi-finalist for a $1000 grant - well, me and many, many other folks.  But I need the grant in order to pay for licensing fees and training to be able to hold Right Brain Business Plan workshops (without stealing).  I am passionate about being able to help people start their dream, and I know how much the RBBP helped get me organized and on a clear path.
sooo.  i am asking that you go here and vote for me to get this grant.  It's the only way I can do this, as I am living a personally underfunded life right now.
Thank you!!
I'll be back later today with something philosophical and brilliant.  after i vacuum and go grocery shopping.

2-fer monday

she had worked so hard

on seeing her heart -

now she realized she had to do more

than just see it -

she had to hold it when no one else would,

she had to believe in it when others doubted it,

she had to love it more than anyone else could -

because only then would she be able to open it

and offer it for Real.

-Terri St. Cloud

still trying to process so much - the past week has been full to overflowing, between the art retreat and new family information.  hell - new family, period.  it's like a door i've been pushing on has finally swung open... squeaky hinges giving up and letting the heavy steel unblock the room.  A series of family emails has me feeling so included...so much a part of linked arms.  despite the history being revealed, which is...difficult.  I have an assemblage I did in dedication to my father.  years ago.  the frustration at not being able to talk to him was more than i could bear at one point.  and i made this assemblage called Come Back.  it has never been shown, and never will.  but the point is that after reading some family history that was sent, i wish upon wish to be able to tell my father that i appreciate how he tried.  that he did his very best, and it was good enough for me.  me, as an adult.  me, as my father's daughter.  because he left this earth while we still had unresolved...issues.  while we were still a bit at loggerheads.  before i could look beyond myself and see the goodness in another. my brother remarked to me yesterday that this was one of the first father's days that he was aware that it was father's day.  my thoughts exactly, throughout the day.  i was traveling home from vermont, and stopped at an antique junk store.  the proprietor was an older guy, grizzled and weathered and as dusty as anything in his store.  a simple, slim gold band glowed from his left ring finger.  i don't know why, but i wished him a happy father's day.  i just needed to say it, i guess.  he paused, then teared up and thanked me, turned and blew his nose as he walked a few steps, head down.  and i thought of my cousins, and how this was their first father's day alone.  a thought-filled ride home through the mountains.  i came home to an empty house - husband was out with his kids for dinner.  it gave me an opportunity to re-watch some videos that are being shared from my uncle's collection.  and darned if i didn't go right to the one with the elephant.  i have an early memory of an elephant following me as i walked through a public area of some sort.  my mother said i must have dreamt it, but all these years, i knew that my 4-year old self really had had an elephant shadow her.  and there, on a grainy and dark 8mm-to-video-to-internet clip was my 4-year old self, walking through the zoo with an elephant following her.  as real as you please.  and the funny thing was, this Vermont week was all about elephants.  so it fit nicely.  and i accepted the gift.

In the beginning of time, the skies were filled with flying elephants.....

a little math while i hold the week close inside my sparkly shawl, and smell the remnants of eucalyptus and rooibos and Luna....

this....

plus this....

plus this....

oh, and plus this....

equals this...

and that's all I have to say right now.

except Rock Fairies can also be Kitchen Magicians.

erp.

"...I will smile without feeling guilty, because joy is not a sin...for the first time, i will avoid anything that makes me suffer, because suffering is not a virtue...i will not complain about life, saying, 'Everything's always the same and i can do nothing to change it'...Because I am living this day as if it were my first, and while it lasts, i will discover things that i didn't even know were there...even though i have walked past the same places countless times before and said 'Good Morning' to the same people, today's 'Good Morning' will be different...it will not be mere polite formula, it will be a form of blessing in the hope that everyone i speak to will understand the importance of being alive..."
-Paulo Coelho, Manuscript Found In Accra

Good morning to you.
And with that, I am off to recharge and re-ignite on the shores of a shusshhhing lake with good sisters, new and old....catch you on the flip side....

today...Taste of Syracuse Festival with Carolyn...


followed by some up-close eagle watching and soul-tending...feet in the sand...eyes on the sky...projects wrapping up and soon will be back in the studio soon soon...leaving for a few days of magic on a Wishbone road with a Sorceress...planning to let the lake and sunset and the gathering of women replenish the parched parts...just a few days left to gather supplies and pack!

i get it.  i now know why prayers aren't answered all at once...why there isn't a Wait-Till-There's-Enough-In-The-Cart buildup of whispered wishes come true all at the same time...why tear-soaked pillows have no say in the matter whatsoever...because for everything to happen all at once is dizzying and destabilizing....what once was, is no longer the same...your beliefs and sense of Self get turned right 'round, baby,  which can be a good thing...but not all at once.
grief is the great clarifier.  when i picture the Grim Reaper, he has a large scythe in his hand.  i now know that this tool is for the living, for those left behind...used to clear away...nothing is left standing but the strongest of strong beliefs...the deepest inner truths.  nothing else remains - not hardness constructed as a shield, not perceived slights, not walls made of hurts and accusations and miscommunications.  it is too much to carry, too much to maintain, to reconstruct...with hands limp at your side... it is a wildfire that burns the forest and allows for new growth...tender new green from seeds scattered by the natural order of things, or from roots dug deep into the soil where they remained unharmed by the devastation.
This spring, as the buds grew fat on the trees and began their cycle of awakening... as the migrational urges brought bald eagles and golden eagles and raptors flying low over my head...as the signs of life began again, so it began within me.  through wildfire and scythe, all that remained was scorched earth...a parched heart...wheat and chaff together brought down.  and in these times while the landscape changed, when all i could do was shake my head and let the tears roll, even in these months,  i know for certain that new growth has begun...that the ashes protect the scorched earth while the tendrils of new life have begun to unfurl.  and somehow i am grateful for the clearing - grateful that my hands hang limp and no longer have to carry anything but the essential, and can begin again.  i whisper a wish that it hadn't all come at once, yet i am grateful.  i begin to fill my cart, again, with prayers, but this time i pray that i bring dignity to the lesson and not waste the effort that's gone into lining circumstances up to make this all converge at once.  I open my eyes to the trees, naked and blackened by the fire and know there will soon be a verdant forest where these shadow sticks stand.  and i receive their comfort.

I rarely, if ever, use this space to promote workshops, classes, products, etc., but I have to say I've had a huge number of conversations with people lately, on the topic of weight and body image and feeling like nothing...so I ask...Do these words mean anything to you?

0. How can we be kind to our souls when we are so mean to our bodies? Why do we continuously compare our bodies to others? Why do we hold on so tight to staying young looking as we age, even to the detriment of our own inner peace? Why does weight seem to hang on to us when we are dealing with difficult things emotionally?
   There is an epidemic of body loathing among women and young women. The body and the soul are so connected that we cannot loathe our bodies without wounding the rest of us...our hearts, our moods, our decisions, our confidence, our inner peace....even our most important relationships & jobs.
   
   
   Guess what?! It’s time to finally make peace with our bodies...to stop abusing them and start honoring them as beautiful homes for our souls.
   
    If this plucks a string in your heart, check out Melody at BraveGirls.  This isn't in place of a good counselor - for that you need Ophelias Place.  But just maybe you can start the process of loving yourself again, either way. 
   
   

Move to the edge and over.  Fly with the wings
he gives, and if you get tired, lie down,
but keep opening inside your soul.
-Rumi

Day and night I guarded the pearl of my soul.
now in this ocean of pearling currents,
I've lost track of which was mine.
-Rumi

go be part of something bigger.  go start something bigger.
-Linda :)

For as long as a dream lives inside of you, there's a plan for its time in space. 
Tut.

Well I've been living in this month of Sunday's
For so long,
I don't remember Saturday night
Broken record's don't play new tunes
Except for once in a blue moon
And I've looked, but the moon is still white

And I've been some hope to the summit of Sunday
Someone, somewhere may do something with his light
The smoker's lung's don't blow balloons
Except for one in a blue moon
And I've looked, but the moon is still white

Rusty gun's fire rusty shots
Leopards never change their spots,
And fireworks always fade too soon,
Empty words don't mean a lot
And for me thats all you got
But I swear to you darling
One day, we'll stand beneath a blue moon

I've been living in this month of Sunday's
And I forgot what Monday morning feels like
Blushing brides and handsome grooms,
Deep in debt from honeymoons
Stare above, but the moon is still white

Oh and I've wandered into wondering if one day
When the war is won
And one finally make two
And we think not of what we know,
And think of only what we've got
Then we'll go dancing underneath a blue moon

Oh black kettles and black pots
Seem to fight an awful lot
And make the kitchen the most uncomfortable of rooms
Empty words don't mean a lot
And for me that's all you've got
And I swear to you darling
One day, we'll stand beneath a blue moon

Oh, oh, oh

So I've been living in this month of Sunday's
And I don't know when this month may be through
So will you tell that you're awake,
For as long as it may take
And I swear darling, I'll show you a blue moon
Oh my darling, I'll show you a blue moon

lets get carried away - a mini mashup

nothing needs to be explained, justified, or even understood, to move beyond it, transformed, wings afoot, chariots aflame, angels on high, sparkles trailing, fuzzy dice on the mirror... 







Today - picture tendrils of thick glitter trailing after you and a beam of light warming your face...go about your day giving away free samples of smiles...leave a note of encouragement somewhere for someone to randomly find...make today special.  tomorrow, repeat.

shakes and shema

author unknown - as seen on mysticmamma.com

head stew

so much is swirling in my head today, so I choose to take the easy way out of a post and just link & re-post.  So here we go...
from Secret Lentil's description of Helen Carter - owner, designer, renegade seamstress...

She’s a dreamer, a thinker, a fearless freak. She’s passionate in a way that is not contrived. She has traveled through the dark realms but she chooses to neither be ruled by them nor dismiss them, because she knows the world is also full of light and wisdom and breath. And she laughs really loud. A lot.

I happen to know Helen, own some of her "Protective Gear For Your Internal Revolution," and can say I have a girl crush on her.  and needed every layer of protective gear this weekend.

Another 2nd floor friend, Judi Witkin, makes the most incredible teeny tiny boxes by hand with beads.  they are amazeballs!  her jewelry is awesome.  My jaw drops.

Elizabeth Bunsen, eb, makes my eyes water.  I am so so lucky to be headed to VT to soak in the goodness of eb at her lake house...with a side order of Holy Belgian waffles - Kimbolicious and Judi right beside me.  i won the lottery.  i simply won the lottery.

(side note - my bulimia cat is dreaming - perhaps about the fat loud fly that keeps racing through the studio - and is meowing in his/her sleep) (weirdly, she is becoming more dog-like all the time)

and speaking of which....

from StoryPeople:

and, indeed, this is where my head and heart have been, when I suddenly realized a lot of broken links had been patched back together, and i was able to follow the safety rope back to the beginning and walk the ascent with less trepidation this time...seeing childhood friends who had gone on ahead, holding out a hand for me...watching my one-year-old self and two-year old self and three-year old self on grainy film-turned-to-video - treasures i never had, and so important to fitting puzzle pieces together.  it was a fuller than full weekend, and i suspect the overwhelming overflowing will continue for a while, but i feel more whole than i have for a while, and more energized and determined to Get Out There and do for others and myself...to leave a legacy that will make others get out there and do for others, just as my father did and just as his family always has.  I believe i've spent too much time in my life on introspection.  Although it's good to know your heart, too much leads to a selfish life.  and i think it's time to spend time away from my own head.
okay so onward with links and re-shares...

I will definitely own one of Asya's cups someday.  she helped with a special surprise once, and i never forgot how beautiful her work is.

THIS just makes me need a kleenex.
ok, time to nap...having some residual sleepiness, and have to get re-tested for Lyme.  husband found a small tick in his own neck last night.  they are around.

xox.  wishing you family ties to hold you tight.

yesterday morning, my uncle passed away.  The strange thing was that both my brother and I had planned trips in to see him this week, but wrenches were thrown into the plans and, well, here we are.
He was the husband of my father's favorite sister, and I remember him as a quieter man in a family of boisterous people.  He was a Rabbi, and his children grew up with higher education - doctors, lawyers, executives.  I remember him as a man who's heart was bigger than whatever vision he had for what his family configuration should look like.  At some point, and for reasons that were never explained to me, my family went to live with my aunt & uncle.  all 4 of us.  all of our clothes and toys and beaten down hopes and insecurities.  jammed into a 2 bedroom-and-a-den ranch house in Rochester, NY with my aunt, uncle, and their own 3 kids, 2 boys and a girl.  doubling and tripling up.  to this day, i have no idea where my parents slept...where my cousins slept.  (but i do remember the address and phone number.)  and if this was a problem, it was not apparent to us kids.  we were young, but at an age where little pitchers have big ears, and i don't ever remember hearing voices raised with requests of moving your gypsy family out.  i remember those years as some of the best in my life.  it's where i went to kindergarten.  and accidentally broke joan's violin, and met bobby and michael, and learned how to catch crayfish down by the stream and shoot crabapples from a high window of the rubin's house and developed a mad crush on my cousin's friend, and on my cousins.  so many good things.  because my uncle agreed to let our family come stay.  what discussions went on - i'll never know.  but the point is that when we most needed my aunt & uncle to open their house, they did.  their hearts were already open - they always were.  they didn't say Oh, That's Terrible, I Hope Things Get Better.  Call If You Need Anything.  They knew we needed, and they squished and squeezed and shoehorned till it worked.  and everyone acted as if it was the most normal thing.  i don't ever recall bad behavior on anyone's part because of the inconvenient and difficult extended company.  And I was not an easy kid.
I got a chance to thank my uncle 2 years ago.  I went to visit him in his new assisted living residence.  I toured the building with him, and we talked about all the original artwork on the walls, and in his room.  we talked about nothing and everything.  it was the fullest few hours i have lived recently, and the most difficult.  it took me back to the place where family stood solid together...where my cousins were my brothers and sisters and babysitters, and family reunions brought everyone together for steamed clams and photos.  And it punched deep in my heart that my family had been estranged from all that for 30 years.  i felt like i had been drifting, untethered.  my mom's family had all passed away.  and time had stolen the link to my fathers family.  and here before me was my uncle.  and i am grateful for the opportunity that i had to visit with him, but most grateful for being able to tell him Thank You for opening the doors of his house...that no one had ever properly thanked him, i suspected, and that there was no possible way to fully express what needed to be said.  when i turned to leave, he had tears in his eyes, and there was an awkward moment, but it got said.
It is my bet that the sanctuary of the temple will be standing room only and down the block.  i talked to my cousin last night, and she was amazed at the people who's lives were touched by him - all generations.  he was a man of quiet greatness and i am a better person for knowing him.

thank you Uncle Aaron.

supersize mine

in my mailbox today from TUT:

It's all self-service...The magic works through you, not for you. 

Just order and show up. If it's not there when you show up, keep showing up until it is.

Their motto is Thoughts Become Things - Choose the good ones. 
I have a problem with a "name it and claim it" faith...whether it's Christianity or so-called New Age, or whatever label has been smacked on the jar.  To me, a person can't just speak out what they want, then sit back and let it roll as they wait for riches and fame and that new car/job/wife/husband/lawn to plop down in their lap.  You do have to Show Up.  You do have to do the work.  and keep doing the work.  The fact that you get out there and do the work will make it work.  sitting in your bedroom typing blog posts won't make it work, unless that's your job.  it isn't my job, so I'm going to cut this rant short, log off, and leave my bedroom to go get a project working.  after i vacuum and while i do laundry.  because my life is very small right now, but it's about to get very supersized, so i appreciate having time to do chores i normally don't like.

Have a beautiful day!

BANANA!

yesterday it was almost too too hot to be in my studio, moving boxes, unpacking, finding little spots and big spots for stuff that needs spots...today - brrr! I have sweat pants and a sweatshirt on.  my toes are freezing.  i'm also tired and overwhelmed with how much i have left to do.  i am going to try to bring a large load over from my Big Girl studio, just so i see what has to fit where.  i can't believe i got all that stuff over there!  i don't remember hauling it all.  but clearly i did, unless there are studio-moving fairies (which there aren't - i would know) and if there were such a thing, i'd be bribing them right now to bring it all back, please.  fairies can be cross & misbehaving though.
today is an exceptional day for many secret reasons.  i'll fill you in later today, but don't want to let the cat out of the bag, so to speak.  (my cat is NOT in a bag - it's just an expression.  and kind of a gross one, now that i really think about it).  bulimia cat has been moping around this house like he needs a cat therapist.  right now, he's sleeping on my new red leather chaise - snoring.  loudly.
okay - time to dig in to the boxes and tubs o' stuff.  enjoy the day, and the long weekend!  (every weekend is a long weekend for me, actually).

2-fer thursday

whew!  taking a break from emails, website creating, and YES - organizing my studio.  whenever i need a break from one, i work on another one.  And in the midst of all that, came to terms with finding my passion.  I just can't deny it any longer.  will have news Very Soon, but things are about to get very exciting around here.  and yes - hindsight has perfect vision.
on another topic, my dear friend (other) Linda shared her favorite poem with me a while ago, and it is just so gentle and wonderful...fits my mood today - nearly flattened with gratitude for what I have, and what is about to be.   (and the dream about being at a huge house party & dancing the night away with Mick jagger has nothing to do with it!)  (Mick Jagger???).
To me, this poem is about announcing your Selfness to the world, not so much about being sad or mourning.  This life goes forward, yes? and whether we choose to stand still in despair or not, it is moving forward.  think of watching a video, with the little bar at the bottom counting out the seconds spent, and seconds remaining.  We may choose to stay in one spot, mentally, but the time goes forward - it's just that you spent all that time not progressing.   Anyway, here's the poem:

Wild Geese

 

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

~ Mary Oliver ~

 

i've looked at clouds from both sides now...

After dinner, husband & I went to pick up my new red leather chaise :whoo hoo: and were struck by the clouds - a very weird sky last evening, and being mindful of the horrific devastation in OK, we were a bit uneasy.  We've had tornado warnings beeping into radio & tv shows for a few days now, but nothing, thankfully, has materialized.  but look at these clouds and you tell me if you don't start to feel a little smaller.  they were taken with a phone, so...

these were all taken within a 30 minute stretch of time, and from the same general area.  to the left was brilliant sunshine, then this massive massive starship of a cloud, then clear sky on the other side of it.  wow.  it was terrifyingly beautiful.  it felt alive.

this email was waiting for me this morning:

Behind your greatest fear, Linda, lies your greatest gift.

PAY ATTENTION!

beauty

from Paulo Coelho's Manuscript Found in Accra...

Beauty is present in all creation, but the dangerous fact is that, because we human beings are often cut off from the Divine Energy, we allow ourselves to be influenced by what other people think.  We deny our own beauty because others can't or won't recognize it.  Instead of accepting ourselves as we are, we try to imitate what we see around us.  We try to be what other people think of as "pretty," and little by little, our soul fades, our will weakens, and all the potential we had to make the world a more beautiful place withers away.
We forget that the world is what we imagine it to be.  We stop being the moonlight and become, instead, the pool of water reflecting it.  Tomorrow, the water will evaporate with the sun.

Selah.

for you...be happy today...and if you can't be happy, at least don't drag someone else into the mud with you.  (i say in gentleness not shown in the words).  Practice happy.

it's true - TWO posts before 7am

oy!

But this morning, I received 2 emails from 2 different places.  Completely different.  but the theme was somewhat the same, if you think about it.  they're lengthy but important, i think, for everyone, so i'll share them both here.  the first is from Brave Girls, and I apologize for the wonkiness on the screen.  not sure why that is:

There are many things that spread and spread and spread, far and wide and deep. There are good things, and there are not so good things. You could be THE ONE who makes a huge difference in not just spreading  wonderful things, but in making sure that not so good things don’t spread so much. One of the best ways you can do this, beautiful soul, is to stop the gossip when it gets to you. One of the fastest moving and most destructive forces around is gossip...and it not only hurts the person(s) who is the subject  of the conversation, but it hurts the souls of anyone hearing it or spreading it. A wonderful way to stop stories from spreading is to simply stand up for the person that the story is about when the story gets to you. If the story has nothing to do with you, if it is not hurting you or your family...then it is really nothing you want to have around to needlessly ruin your day. Think of how you might feel if someone was speaking about you the way that others are speaking about someone else. Kindly tell the messenger that you are certain that there are valuable and wonderful things about this person, and that is what you are choosing to focus on...and let it go. You could either keep the story moving, or you could stop it with kindness and truth. Because you see, it really is the truth. EVERYONE has wonderful things about them that we can focus on. If nothing else, focus on the fact that they are a fellow human being. That should be enough to compel all of us to speak with only kindness. It will truly make you feel peace. Spreading gossip never feels peaceful. Stopping it with you will truly make a difference, far and wide and deep. Let it stop in a peaceful place. So lovely, loved, amazing friend, go where the peace is. You are more influential than you know. You are loved and you can do it. xoxo

I would love to go to Brave Girls Camp someday.  but onward here...the second email was this:

The top 10 things people claim to have taken for granted, Linda, when they were alive:

10. How important they were to so many.
9. How easy life was when they stopped struggling.
8. That all of their prayers and thoughts were heard.
7. That there really were no coincidences.
6. How far ripples of their kindness actually spread.
5. What really was important: happiness, friends, love.
4. That any and all of their dreams could have come true.
3. How good looking and fun they always were.
2. How much guidance they received, whenever they asked for help.
1. That God was alive in everything, including themselves.

As expressed by the recently departed, fresh after their life-review on the big, BIG screen. 

The link i see?  Be your best self...look outside yourself...reach outside yourself...your behavior absolutely affects the world, the office, the person standing in front of you. Your behavior can absolutely save a life, or sink someone lower - that last step into the pool. Those concerns that you hold onto and hold onto and hold onto like a prize - they have ingrained a deep rut in your soul, and have affected your life...that you run the risk of only being surrounded by other drowning people because no one else wants the constant sad to rub off on them.  we are all in this lifeboat together...we are all rowing together...whether you sing with gratitude for the lifeboat, or are miserable because you wanted a cruise ship - that's up to you.  but then your job is to not interrupt the rowing, so others can reach their destination.  There is a big happy out there for you, but you need to look for IT instead of the misery where you have gotten attention in the past.  yes - it's time to pull up your big girl tights and participate wonderfully and fully in this wonderful life.

i apologize if it sounds like a verbal spanking here this morning - it was "said" with love & gentleness, but with a little foot tapping.  i believe this message was for a specific person, and i felt love, but saw people turning away from you to avoid the "disease" as i wrote it.  if you feel this is for you, then it may be.

As for me, the message within the message to me is clear.  i receive it and am grateful.

And i am grateful for hearts that are able to burst outwardly....

a little chuckle to start your day:


it's true - the tune will accompany you throughout your day :)

studio in progress

1 shelf is mostly done, with smaller treasures sorted into cake tins from the Holla For A Dolla store:

of course, i found much much more that needs placement, so another shelf is in order.  My spanky paint cart is awesome, though:

obviously there is much to do on this side of the room, and i'm grateful for 3 sets of Metro shelving there.  though one corner makes me want to gouge my own eyes out:

i know.  and to think, there is still most of my away-from-home studio to empty.  ugh.  but i have till the end of july, so i'll go as i can go.  yesterday, obviously was not productive, unless you consider sitting with a bag of chips, a box of kleenex, a quilt and endless episodes of Long Island Medium a productive day.  it was a Very Sad day, and there was nothing i could do but let it knock me down and roll me like a drunk.  didn't even lift a finger to try to help myself.  just couldn't.  but today is starting out the complete opposite, with bulimia cat in worried attendance, shadowing me.  hair appointment this afternoon could rock the boat either way :)

okay - giving yukky things enough attention.  onward.  or as my friend Wendy says: Adventure On!

and then i got this note...

The one thing all famous authors, world-class athletes, business tycoons,
singers, actors, and celebrated achievers in any field have in common, Linda,
is that they all began their journeys when they were none of these things.

Yet still, they began their journeys.

You are so poised for greatness,

One day, they're going to name something big after you, Linda!
Like a statue, a college... or a hurricane.


okay.  I accept the message and ask for guidance on where to place my first step.

taking a break...what a slllooowww go today.  well, actually, i stopped for lunch around 1:30 and napped ever since.  i just just got out of the shower.  not lazy...just a sad-ish day, and I chose to avoid it completely.  there is still so much to do in the studio, and even more to bring over from the Big Girl studio, but it will need to wait.  it's time to snuggle into a big comforter, drink some tea, and then nap the rest of the day away.  it's cold out (near freezing this morning), I am temporarily overwhelmed, and am sad for about 300 different reasons.  so thank you for reading, and good night.  we'll try again tomorrow...with apologies to Rob Brezsney, who wrote me the following horoscope for the week:


"I hate a song that makes you think that you are not any good," said iconic songwriter Woody Guthrie. "I hate a song that makes you think that you are just born to lose. Because you are too old or too young or too fat or too slim too ugly or too this or too that. Songs that run you down or poke fun at you. I am out to sing songs that will prove to you that this is your world." Amen, brother Woody! I have the same approach to writing horoscopes. And I'm happy to advise you, Capricorn, that you should have a similar attitude toward everything you put out and take in during the coming week. Just for now, reject all words, ideas, and actions that demoralize and destroy. Treat yourself to a phase of relentless positivity. 

today, I have tubs and tubs and tubs of art supplies to find nooks and crannies for in my home studio.  husband stopped at the Big Girl studio with me yesterday after mothers day brunch, and we loaded up his van.  i've been so excited to load up the new cart, and fit in my stencils and other supplies into specially designed shelves!
I woke up with that Christmas feeling, but it soon hit the dumps -  I spent the morning applying online for jobs and sending out emails to prospective bosses.  on one hand, i have such a huge studio task before me that it's a full time job in itself.  on the other hand, there are so many opportunities i want to take advantage of (travel-wise, workshop-wise) but can't unless i grow some cash.  I have strong confidence that everything will be as it should, and that keeps me from sinking too low.  Meanwhile, I will keep my ears & eyes open, as I continue to work on my studio.  I will say that i have reversed my thoughts on age discrimination...I am finding that longer work experience counts for nothing.  That people see an older worker and think they'll be slow and stupid and unreliable.  especially if they are heavy.  and that is sad.  i do have 1 absolutely positive example, and it shocked me.
I sent a followup email to my former employer - the one that said i always had an open door there?  the one that has been advertising for help in the exact department i was working in?  I guess they (once again) filled the position internally.  America, don't make me lose faith.
ok - back to the studio sorting.  maybe some tunes cranked up will help me out of this cloudy mood.

happy mothers day to all the moms, stepmoms, surrogate moms, boo boo kissers, diaper changers, collect call accepters, and to anyone who helps guide another through life.

the studio project is coming along nicely.  with the addition of this awesome cart:

I'll be able to put all my paints and gels and pastes and stuff out in plain sight so I know what I have.  pictures to follow of the OCD organization of the assemblage materials.  (Although I filled the new shelf already and may need another one.  shhh!)

coming soon - my workshop

If this video speaks to you...and you would like information about my workshop based on the same theme, leave me a comment with your contact information.  I promise not to publish your info.   oh - and just a reminder: you are beautiful.

they say the first step in any recovery is to admit you have a problem.  i am here to tell you that i have an addiction.  i have a fascination, a true and deep need to own any organizational container i see.  i visited a friend in houston many years ago, and we went everywhere there is to go in houston, mostly on VIP passes.  and i had a fabulous time.  however, on the way back to the airport, we had a little extra time, and stopped at The Container Store.  yes.  i almost blew a brainpart.  i cannot begin to tell you.  i almost changed my flight, but my friend was pretty tired of having company by then, so...
but ohhhhh the sizes and colors and uses and just the magnificent volume of the little containers!  yep.  i got it bad.
:big smile:
so why i don't make my living as an organizer is a mystery.  i suppose i should.  maybe i will.  travel to your place and get everything in it's place.  okay, call me.  i'll do it.
now off to find a stainless steel rolling utility cart that can hold more than 50 pounds....

studio update

wow.  i convinced husband to stagger* up the stairs and help me turn the huge worktable so that the shorter side was against the window wall.  this would leave more room on either side where the shelving is, and also leave a giant ledge so there would now be seating on 3 sides.  he was doubtful* that it could be done, but with a little cajoling*, we tried and succeeded!
this room looks even bigger, and there is plenty of room for my away-from-home studio stuff when it's time for it to come home.  well, most of it.  some will end up on the free pile, i think.  but that's fine - it's there to organize, not to love forever.  so knowing when to say when, i'll stop for tonight, but have a big work day planned tomorrow!
any ideas for storing small assemblage bits so they can be seen but secure?  i have to see my stuff or i forget i have it.

*understatement

i have been working on clearing my studio out to prepare for the new flooring.  it isn't going to work.  well, it would work - it is exactly possible but...i would need to spend all of my free time for the next few weeks indoors and working on moving everything to this side of the house, lay the floor and then move it all to that side of the house and lay the floor there.  then reassemble.  only to redo yet again when my away-from-home studio comes home.  i choose no.  i gave 1 very full-and-not-over-yet day to  clearing out some of a 10' work table.  i have a trunk load of stuff for the free pile, and the garbage men will hate me next wednesday.  but it is more important to me to have the spring and summer outside.  or  just not doing this project.  again.  so i'll finish clearing out the table (all the storage beneath, as well as the top), and see if we can turn it so it's facing short to long, instead of long to short.  that feels like a better configuration.  and so much of the stuff stored below was just stuff.  things i held onto for what reason?  who knows.  but away it will go.  next weekend is the community-wide garage sale, and i had hoped to pick up a chaise for this studio, but i honestly don't know if i want 1 more stick of furniture in here!  yes i do :)  i envision a bright raspberry chaise in leather or plether or some easy-wipe fabric that's paint and kitty resistant.  ok, back to work.

I am reading Paulo Coelho's newest book,  Manuscript Found in Accra.  His books move me back to center.  His books read my heart back to me.  this one is no exception.  i would love to meet him someday, but i know words would just fail me and i'd stand there in a puddle of tears, so it's best not to wish for that - spare us both!
Lately I've felt (even more) socially out of step...misreading cues when it's my turn to talk, feeling itchy in social situations.  And feeling like I talk too much and say too little, mostly.  and i try to be a good conversationalist - try to ask the questions that, not only are polite, but that i truly want to know about.  without turning the answers into a story about me or my experiences... try to break the old mindset that if i don't verbally vomit everything everything, then they may not ask - it's almost like begging someone to get to know me.  but the weird thing is that i never consciously felt that no one wanted to know me, so i could be wrong - maybe i just talk a lot.  and that bothered me, because i know a talker, and it sucks to hang up the phone and all you did was listen and never got a chance to talk.  so now you're going to be hyper-aware of all this when we talk, right?  oy.
But in Paulo's book (see - there was a point), it talks about going out and just being yourself, in much more eloquent terms.  i call it "living outwardly."  there is nothing that can drag you out of the dumps better than smiling at people when you pass them - not in some crazed, tripping on acid way.  but a friendly smile can make The Difference in someone's life.  I've talked about this before...the day that tried to drag me back to hell with it - and someone held a door for me and smiled at me.  that was all it took, i swear.  it turned my entire day around.  there was something in that small act of kindness that just made it work...made me stop my internal swear-fest and look outside my head to see a world on the other side of my eyeballs.  when i leave the house Every Day for real, I thank God for that wretched day - for every single thing that went wrong just so i could learn that the power of changing the world is a smile.  if i'm having a bad day, i'll name every domino that fell in that bad, wretched day, and remind myself that a bad day is an even more perfect opportunity to learn fantastical things.  and guess what - mostly it works and if nothing else, it takes the power away from the falling dominos and gives it back to you, and YOU decide what to do with the pieces...make lemonade, or let the juice continue to squirt you in the eye.  sometimes, like earlier this past week, when the contractor leaves sheetrock dust All Over The House Including The Hardwoods and it requires many hours of vacuuming and washing and re-washing because it turned to mud and ruined the finish and you cry, sometimes on a day like that - you just stay inside because you know you'll damage someone's karma and you may say fuck dominos falling and i refuse to be thankful for this.  but then you are, because thank God you didn't have him paint.
meanwhile, i have on my To Do list, well, many things.  I have:
1) empty studio
2) if "1" is too overwhelming, go to crawfish festival
3) find capri pants and shorts
4) bag up last year's clothes & donate (You Are NOT that size anymore.  Adjust)

i am leaning toward #2, only because how often is there a crawfish festival in town?  although i once went to houston for one, and when i saw the actual crawfish, i just couldn't eat them...i mean, they serve them with the heads on all looking at you.  i need more distance.  so maybe i should just go with #1.
:sigh:
wishing you a day of brilliant options and smiles given and received.  and glitter, for some reason.

prepared to be inspired

have you ever been too afraid to do something huge?  have you ever been afraid to be afraid?  watch Miss Yeh and know that you can transform the world

ugh!  I came home from playing with Mary, took one look at my studio and just wanted to nap.  i am overwhelmed with this task of emptying out.  there's still so so so much in here.  but i have to get it done n-o-w.  grrr.

make mine rose colored

I am so excited today! My friend Mary (who's feet don't touch the ground, i swear) will be in town briefly!  There are some people who make you be a better self.  She is one of them.  i don't know how she does it - her life is no less stressful then anyone else's, yet she handles it with grace.  me?  a rickety zen circus.  sometimes graceful, sometimes it seems like a ball of chaos like PigPen in Charlie Brown.  There have been role models of this calm, grace, trust-that-it-will-work-out women sent to my life on a consistent basis, but it's only recently that I can look back and see the beautiful daisy chain of them all.  and i think maybe it's time for me to carry the torch, as well.
after weeks of number crunching, husband has come to see that there is no financial way to get a boat.  it breaks my heart to see his disappointment, but we will take the next year to get our war chest built up so he can walk in with a briefcase of loot and sail away.  till then, i'll have to be his dream boat.ok - time to shower & pick Mary up.  filter well, my friends!

Dear Remarkable Girl, When you wake up tomorrow morning, sweet friend, beside your bed will be all of the different pairs of glasses that you get to choose to put on to see your world through for the day. It is amazing how this very important decision changes everything, and deciding to put on glasses of truth, optimism, goodness and gratitude will make everything more beautiful, more bearable and ever more fun. The flip side is that we can all choose to put on glasses of fear, pessimism, anger, resentment and dread too -- and our whole day and everything we see and do will be seen through that kind of filter. Once again, it is amazing how this one important decision at the beginning of the day can change the way we see and experience EVERYTHING. Soooo beautiful girl, which glasses will you choose to put on? Remember that you can also choose to put down the yucky glasses and put on the good ones at any point in the day, and remember remember remember that when the day is over, put it all away and just BE. Reflect on the beauty of the day and just BE. You are so very very very loved. xoxox Need help or have question? Please contact support@bravegirlsclub.com

quieting

have been feeling the need to become quiet and centered...feeling a pull to the spiritual...feeling highly tuned intuition and sensory aspects of myself pulling me towards - what?  who knows, but there's a lot going on for certain...misunderstandings have led to friendships breaking and falling away...scattered limbs like pick-up sticks of once strong trees rooted in hearts...so many more misunderstandings coming full circle to deeper friendships after apologies and explanations - mouth of the snake grabbing her own tail making the bond even stronger, self now holding self...it's been a raucous few weeks as all this sifting and shifting and planting and nurturing has been going on...i felt myself begin to spin with it, till i was reminded to settle down by a friend.  this has, indeed, been the spring of new growth and change.  and feeling the need to step aside and feed my spirit, i said Yes to 3 days of magic...3 days that have danced just outside my grasp for a few years now...and now i see why, as a friend has jumped up to say Yes also...she will join me as the lake washes away and washes in, and eucalyptus and tea and shimmering moonlight restores our hearts and our spirits...thank you, eb.  thank you judi.  thank you barbara.  thank you kim. thank you broken branches.  thank you seedlings.  thank you all for what you are bringing.  i pray my offering to you is equal.

LATE NOTE: the image of the snake (above) came to me so strong and so undeniably right as i wrote those lines above - demanding my attention.  I looked up "snake" in my animal spirit guides book...i quote: You're about to go through some significant personal changes, so intense and dramatic that an old self will metaphorically die as a new self emerges.  you're going to feel a surge of energy that will sharpen your senses, alert your mental faculties, and open up new channels of awareness...you're about to experience a dramatic and unexpected physical or emotional healing very soon, coming from an unexpected source.
wowa.

monday's post #2

yes - still sitting at this desk.  In my pj's.  and it's almost time to start planning dinner.
yesterday was a push/pull of magic and emotions...we set out to an art exhibit in a nearby town, but i knew husband was just.wanting.to.see.a.boat.for.sale.  all like that.  so we changed course.  because i insisted.  and of course, we found The Perfect Boat.  of course.  well, mostly perfect.  the estimate he had on costs was quite a bit off.  and he is still having to pay for a loan he co-signed that has been defaulted on, soon to be joined by a second loan of the same ilk.  i know this is rubbing his insides raw, and i can't stop it.  it is as infuriating to me, with the added bonus of knowing this was a loan we agreed to absolutely not co-sign.  and he did.  so anyway - back to the magic.  Magic!  i thought The Perfect Boat was named "Magic," however it was something similar - i misread the paint.  the day was warm and a slight breeze from the south made it awesome.  we got some off-the-diet-by-a-lonshot food and ate near the lake, listening to the waves shush into the shore. such a beautiful day, following an evening filled with bonfires and neighbors and sweet re-establishing of friendships hidden in the winter snow.  funny neighborhood - all spring & summer, we gather around bonfires, kids toasting marshmallows and shrieking with the pure joy of being up past bedtime...dogs run free, running in circles around the cul-de-sac.  with the snow, we all retreat indoors...waving as we pass in our cars, but not really gathering.  Saturday was our first seasonal bonfire, and we had the added bonus of new neighbors - with kids!  there is something so lively about having a street full of children playing together like wild ponies.  the weekend brought a few tears when i realized my freedom to pick-up-and-go boat shopping or to stay out around a bonfire without watching the clock - this came at a price.  i no longer needed to make arrangements for someone to watch my diva.  husband knew where my thoughts would turn from time to time, and he let me have my moment while he hugged me.  yes, this is the same husband.  so.

a cousin's child has been given the archives of family photos from my beloved uncle who sold his house to live in a swanky senior place.  the pictures are being added to a photo page, and i check it everyday for new images.  so much comes rushing back, that's it's difficult to look sometimes.  i miss my father and wish i could have more time with him.  i miss the loss of family connections so very much.  and that's all i can say for now, i think.  there aren't words - just deep emotions.

so before i have you in tears, i should eat lunch and go finish my collage.

bye for now.

use your inside magic!

I pinged and ponged around some blogs and websites this morning and came across Elsa Mora's blog.  She is, well, go see for yourself.  I'll wait.  Here's the line that got me:

Was I was slightly smarter than my peers?  Probably not. Many of my screwed up neighbors and friends were smart, even though some  ended up in jail, or even dead. Was it that I was touched by some special light?    Not at all. Those stories about “special lights” are made to trick us into believing that good things happen only if something outside of us does the magic.

Today - wishing you shimmers and sparkles and a full comprehension of your inner magic!  Oh it'll be a great day!

such a happy song (?)  tumbling from ear to ear.  nothing like a ukelele to make it all good

to diva

(Brian Andreas)

yeah.  having a moment.

diamonds

my new musical obsession....







Well I spoke to this man,
He said he'd been to the moon,
Carved his name in the ground,
So the world spinning round
Came back that afternoon

And I laughed at this man,
He said he'd been lost at sea,
Heard the sirens call,
Seen the pirates fall
To the monsters in the deep

I said I'd heard some tall tales,
Some good stories in my time
So I asked him for proof,
And he showed me the truth
That was dancing in his eyes

Well I could not believe this man,
Said he was a millionaire
Said I know I dress in rags
But I drive a vintage jag,
And have diamond chandeliers

I said I think I need a drink
And made my way outside
You know I'd swear this was a spoof,
If it wasn't for the truth
That was dancing in his eyes

When I came back in the room
The man had disappeared
He'd left a rock from the moon,
An eye patch and a diamond from a chandelier