Sunday, July 20, 2014

sunday 2-fer


you hear so much about Henry…
you'd never guess that I have another studio assistant, Purrl…
who gets very testy when asked to Please Stop walking across my keyboard.  In fact he bit me and drew blood on my arm.  It has been a while since this fluffy little diva middlesex cat has been allowed back.  but now, of course, i can't resist.  he/she gets so little attention now that Henry is afoot.

Also taking my attention is yet ANOTHER cookbook I got from Williams-Sonoma after class today:
those are some bold promises, and I intend to hold them to their word.  I'm sorry - I'm a food dork.  I get so choked up in WS that please, don't even try to talk to me.  I want those checkered pants and little black chef hat and all the knives and zesters and corers and accessories and ThInGs in a great kitchen.  i want a stove that has more than 2 working burners and an oven that knows how to hold a temperature.  i want to learn how to operate my grill properly.  Since i can't afford the cost of CIA tuition, I'm cobbling together my own cooking education through adult ed, Williams Sonoma, etc.  I'd still love to do the CIA Bootcamp, but (again!) I start a new job tomorrow.  it is what fits me best - part time, afternoon, radio.  when i finally said "girl.  you are being way too dramatic and oogly googly about this job thing.  just go get a job" when i said all that…Bam! the next day i got an offer from the blue.  cross your fingers for me!
okay time for coffee.  Thanks for hanging in here.  i know i'm not too reliable lately.  but honestly, it's been too hard to find words for the knee deep stuff i just went through, and boy it's good to be me right now!




where are you from?

where i'm from
by george ella lyon

i am from clothespins,
from clorox and carbon-tetrachloride.
i am from the dirt under the back porch.
(black, glistening,
it tasted like beets.)
i am from the forsythia bush
the dutch elm
whose long-gone limbs i remember
as if they were my own.

i'm from fudge and eyeglasses,
          from imogene and alafair.
i'm from the know-it-alls
          and the pass-it-ons,
from perk up! and pipe down!
i'm from he restoreth my soul
          with a cottonball lamb
          and ten verses I can say myself.

i'm from artemus and billie's branch,
fried corn and strong coffee.
from the finger my grandfather lost
          to the auger,
the eye my father shut to keep his sight.

under my bed was a dress box
spilling old pictures,
a sift of lost faces
to drift beneath my dreams.
i am from those moments--
snapped before i budded --
leaf-fall from the family tree.

Wednesday, July 09, 2014

a running theme the past few weeks…re-empower yourself.

yes.  do it, and also - do it yourself.  DIY.  don't look outwardly for things you already posses within yourself…i look to certain touchstones for a nod or for a fill-up of things i feel i may lack.  but i have to realize that those things aren't lacking…i'm just choosing not to use them, i suppose…perhaps needing a heart to touch mine, who knows.  "no man is an island," and that is even more true for women, beng hardwired to gather.  In my neighborhood, we women gather.  i am the planner, most often.  we do simple things like movie night which involves chocolate, too much food and a movie.  last night we went out to see a movie - Tammy.  In the midst of the hilarity were some dead-on truths.  Tammy (played by Melissa McCarthy) had life barf all over her one day, and she took off with her grandmother (an alcoholic with multiple medical problems, but a great outlook on life).  one of the best lines of the movie was from her…she looked at Tammy and said "You've always complained about your shitty little life, but never done anything to change it…"  right between the eyes.  It's true.  i've gotten so used to just bitching about how life done me wrong ("life" usually being relationship) and leaving mySelf at the door.  Yes, it's true that a bad relationship, marriage, job, PTSD, etc, can beat a person down till they feel they have no choices and no reason to exist and have nothing to contribute so they should just stay put and be grateful for the shitty little existence that they have because it could be worse.  but it's a lie.  and it doesn't have to be Either/Or.  within the shitty little life, growth and change can begin, till the roots re-grow and strength returns and the bud opens into a full flower.  life does not have to stop because you are unhappy with it.  and even with all those things (especially PTSD, for me) it doesn't have to ride your back always…you can figure out how to occasionally grab the reins and ride the dragons back (i say "you" but we all know what i mean).  in fact, i dare say that life should begin when the shit starts flying, or becomes so deep that you can't move your feet.  especially then.  and use the shit to build a wind-proof house.  nothing like a little mud and hay to make a snug house.  i've spent hours wondering how this shit will translate into a beautiful life that i wanted to create.  then i planted a garden (a for real one) and it struck me that the seeds didn't sit underground wondering how they would get through all that manure covering them…they pushed through, hit the sunshine, took a drink and bloomed.  if they sat underground trying to puzzle it through, they'd rot.  and i have sat underground for too long…i have been immobilized by the things that haunt me and by the things that torment me.  and i may be way off base in this dissertation.  but i think i want to give it a go, just to see.  pick a direction, and go.  stop stopping.  and circling.  maybe continue to bitch and moan for a while, but for God's sake - move a little.  so after this epiphany, i got this in my mailbox this morning:


her giant

she called upon the different parts of herself for help. if she was going to make it, she needed to accept them all, unite them all and believe in them all. it was time for a huddle of tremendous proportions. it was the making of her giant.
—terri st. cloud, bone sigh arts

roar.



Friday, July 04, 2014

today is July 4th…a day filled with picnics and gatherings and fireworks.  for most.  for some, a work day.  if i was still at 9-1-1, i would most likely be working.  so i'd like to say thank you to those who are working today to keep things safe, or at least mitigate the collateral damage.  today, Henry and I will head to the Big Park on a Big Walk.  Quackles the duck tried to follow us home this morning, and although she is doing good in her pond, I don't have confidence in her innate sense of good & bad people (and dogs).  i'm not sure if she knows about migration.  so i'll be keeping an eye out for her, with a safe home on standby, should the need arise.
Happy 4th to you…wishing you a gentle & sweet day, if you are alone.

Sunday, June 29, 2014

So should I start every post with "yikes! It's been a while" and just be done with it?  So much and so little going on.  Have been getting commissions for reliquaries, and hope to have permission to show one or two.  They are just so personal and sacred...little bits and favorite toys and plaster circles with precious pawprints...a collar...maybe some curls of fur...all entrusted to me to enshrine in an assemblage worthy of the well-loved life that once cuddled up and chased a ball and stole a heart or two.  I am honored, truly, to do this work.
I was up most of last night with a screaming hip and aching hands, so I will leave you with a promise to fill you in on some great good news ... Tomorrow.  But know that a goodness and kindness has returned to me and sunk into the place formerly occupied by a crusty & unkind swirl within me.  Just a thin ribbon, but enough to poison.
And Henry is doing just fine, despite cleaning out the catbox for me - clumping litter stuck in his teeth created quite a night's work for me.  No ill effects to report.
See you in the morning...sleep well.

Monday, June 23, 2014

checklist

* wake up way too early…check
* take car to mechanic….check
* clear all the furniture - ALL of it 0 from livingroom…check (and OY)
* romp with Henry in Big Open Area formerly known as livingroom…check
* vacuum carpets twice and shampoo them….check
* forget where I put my coffee (again) and pour a third cup, hoping to actually drink this one…check
* call for sponsor for Combat Paper Project (I only need $1500.00)….check
* mechanic called to say car ready 6 hours early (!!!) ….check

Today is a super deluxe lucky day!  yesterday was crap, so this one makes up for it.  and it isn't even 11am!  Plans to make cabbage rolls with spicy rice and red bean & sauerkraut salad.  to quote Dana Carvey….Exxxxcellent!

Sunday, June 22, 2014

yes. 3 today

sometimes, it's a smell…or a song…or a deja vu…or the sound of a favorite cousin's voice on the phone that reminds you of who you are.
and then, there are those Super 8's of you toddling about like Princess Diaperpants.

oh by the way

yeah.  that kinda love.


This morning, i woke very very early, with a warm cuddly ball curled tight against me.  we both went for a potty break, then decided it was an excellent day to go back to bed.  so we did.  despite Henry's urging to stay put, we finally got out of bed around 7:30, and i had a steaming mug of coffee on the new patio.  i'd forgotten how much i missed sitting outside in the quiet coolness, before the world wakes up.  such a perfect way to start the day.  today, i think some new patio furniture is on the agenda.     I think some nice, big Adirondack chairs with comfy cushions in Teal and Orange.  And a small table for coffee and a book.  I've been reading cookbooks to beat the band, and want to cook it all!  Am planning a Williams Sonoma trip this week, just to drool.  Being the only one around makes it a shorter trip, though, because i hate to leave Hen alone too long.  he gets sad.  so i'm off to work on a commission for a reliquary.  I'm so loving these.  feel honored to create these sacred remembrances.
i saw the word "shenpa" here, and followed the daisy trail of links to this:
Shenpa is a Tibetan word meaning “attachment” (and we know what the Second Noble Truth has to say about that!) but PemaChodron often describes shenpa as “being hooked.”
What normally accompanies shenpa is a desperate urge to alleviate the shaky feeling that’s arisen by engaging in a particular behavior we hope will bring about some relief. So we scramble to produce something pleasurable that can counteract the extreme sense of unease and discomfort that makes us want to bolt away or disappear.
It tends to happen very suddenly and without warning, and when it’s happening it’s as if we’re being visited once again by one of our least favorite people in the world, someone we’ve been acquainted with for a long, long time. Too long in fact.
You know you’re experiencing shenpa when you have an almost uncontrollable urge to run away from what’s going on right now. The wanting-to-run feeling is an instinctual reaction to an otherwise innocuous sense of groundlessness and unease. This uneasiness arises whenever something takes place that makes us feel as if one of our buttons has been pushed and we’ve been exposed somehow.  And while this wide-openness and vulnerability is in fact nothing to be afraid of, it feels so unnerving when we resist it that our brains search desperately for ways to quench the flames that arise from our fearful and doubtful minds.
Which rings clear and true.

Friday, June 20, 2014

occasionally i rise to the occasion

…and post two a day, as a make-good for the recent long, dry spells.

so an amazing thing has been happening and just sort of came to a wild in-my-face get-through-this-shit ah-ha moment.  (enough with the hyphens, let's move on to the dot dot dots I'm so fond of).

For the past however long, I have been in this You Are Invisible, Unimportant, Unmissed frame of mind.  I have been feeling downright dejected, and like nothing will never ever be the way i want them to be in my life.  i have helped many get their art careers going, and going strong sometimes.  but can't seem to promote myself.  not out of feeling less-than, just feeling tired every time i thought about doing it…posting that fantastic post on Facebook or here in this blog, or pushing for a show somewhere.  i just can't seem to follow through and have let some cool opportunities slip by.  and yet - have felt a hot jealousy when the very people i help - get shows and opportunities.  not wishing them less, but wishing myself more.  and feeling like my magic touch had turned sour on myself and felt old and fat and unneeded and obsolete.  oh big old sigh poor me.  and some addictive behaviors started rearing their heads in the whiff of an opportunistic sniff of a maybe chance to roar.  but the dragon remains asleep.  save for 7 or 8 sets of china.  and i knew full well that maybe that wasn't my path, so things were actually working out pretty well.  but still i wanted wanted wanted. pout foot stomp hot tears swearing much wine drinking. but there was a teeny spark of magic still holed up in my heart that refused, absolutely refused, to be smothered. and that glint of a spark held tight and sure, and slowly reignited all the broken bitter bits that had fallen from the heart that had squeezed itself so tight that it was numb and felt like an old leather glove…brittle bits of that ugly heart reignited like a Phoenix and began to warm this heart and shine brighter and brought life and laughter with it (and s'mores, of course).  and on the day when there was just the slightest flicker of the flame, an unimaginable gift arrived, and attached was a note "YOU WERE MISSED."  I was missed.  out of 200 people milling about at the most fantastic spot in the universe…I was missed.  I swear to you, my heart burst.  full out. in the middle of the day, in front of The One who believes less in me than I even did…it burst.  and i pointed to the gift, and the note, and watched a curious expression on the face facing me.  then i came up here to tell you about it.
I was missed.  hot damn and don'tcha know.

Live your dreams now to any degree that you can. With every purchase. Every decision. Every hello and goodbye. Every assignment. Every conversation. Every meal. Every morning, afternoon, and evening. And never, ever, ever look back. Reframe every thought, word, and deed from the perspective of the person you've always dreamed you'd be, as if your life was already as you've always dreamed it would be. Die to yesterday's illusions and be reborn to the truth of your vision.

-TUT


so true.  such good advice.  a theme, the past week.  wasting energy wanting what i see coming to others…yet still being grateful for the things percolating for me…the tick and the tock.  needing to own the knowledge that i need not live up to anyone else's perception of what i should be doing…(or would that being living down to their expectation of what they want?)

loving the options that are whizzing to me - bringing Combat Paper Project here…working on reliquaries for sweet, beloved fur babies gone on before their people…feeling little clicks of tumblers falling into place…grateful grateful grateful
* for friends
* for Henry
* for the ability to provide balm
* for art and intuition
* for being where I am right now
* for asiago toasted cheese sandwiches.  sorry - I am just loving on them too much.

discerning the difference between wishing for something, feeling jealous, and knowing when the pull is really a call to action.  knowing what's my journey, and what will never be my path to follow.  and being so very okay with that.  and not getting caught up in the fame and fortune of it all.  When are all the lessons learned??

Saturday, June 14, 2014


love this label…reminds me of Phil Parsons' work...


last week's table…nothing this week - big daddy has a date with his boattheboattheboattheboat


making Beet Ravioli for a special person tonight…...stay tuned…….

Friday, June 06, 2014

Reliquary for Groucho


I never met Groucho, but he was a much beloved cat...



























      And Sonny was, and remains, in our hearts….my Perfect Stepdaughter's best friend…her horse….






such an honor to be chosen to craft these reliquaries, these sacred housings for precious mementos.

Wednesday, June 04, 2014

“Either we have hope within us or we don’t, it is a dimension of the soul, and it’s not essentially dependent on some particular observation of the world or estimate of the situation... Hope in this deep and powerful sense, is not the same as joy that things are going well or willingness to invest in enterprises that are obviously headed for early success, but rather, an ability to work for something because it is good, not just because it stands a chance to succeed... Hope is definitely not the same thing as optimism.  It is not the conviction that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense no matter how it turns out.”
- Václav Havel


and with that being said, I have stepped aside from some things that did not resonate - despite the difficulty others had in understanding. ..and leapt full on swan dive, into  what may well become the Best Ever adventure…stay cool and stay tuned...

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

a morning of dremel tools, liquid nails, rusty objects, music boxes, and trying to fit it all together to make a very special reliquary shrine for a special friend's angel kitty.  a good kind of frustration.  meanwhile, Henry is chasing peeper frogs across the lawn, and they never win.  i find little upside down frogs all over the lawn.  this kind is not poisonous to him, but i feel badly for the froggers.  soon, lunch, then a shower and back to the worktable.  the day is cool, and i enjoyed a very early steamy mug of perfectly brewed coffee on my back step this morning, while Henry chased ghosties, ate sticks, and finally got around to his business.  the world was ours alone.

Sunday, May 25, 2014

i will be honoring what my soul has been trying to get me to do…moving in a direction that is the least chaotic - sort of.  every cell in my body has been telling me to go in a different direction than i've been steering.  and so - i will stop trying to fight the current and go that way.  simple!  and a loud exhale when the decision was made.  such a peaceful time within now.  making some epic art.  planning planning planning.

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Sunday, May 11, 2014

i know i owe you all an explanation, but the quick answer is - there is no quick answer.  or easy answer.  i don't actually have an answer to give you.  things are shifting and changing at a roller coaster pace, at times, and i have to hold tight to the reins and make sure that i am the one in control of the changes…that i allow in (or out) the things i feel appropriate.  the other day in meditation, i looked at a statue of Ganesha - the remover of obstacles.  and asked that obstacles be removed.  the instant thought that passed through my head was: "what obstacles?? you haven't set a course, so you know not what the obstacles will be."  And it's true, i realized.  just wanting things to "be better" is not a plan.  it isn't a goal to reach for.  so i've been trying to nail that jello to the wall…what do i want?  where do i want to be?  when do i want to arrive?  theoretically, the world is an open avenue for me.  i am an artist, so i can make art anywhere.  i am employable in a handful of industries that don't require my physical presence in an office.  i could be on a beach, for example, answering phone queries.  or tucked away in a wooded retreat in Vermont or New Hampshire.  needing just a reliable phone line and internet.  and Henry.  always henry.  he is my love in a crazy, fierce way that i never saw coming.  so, with this shifting sand, i hesitate to spill my thoughts, as they will change minute-by-minute.  know that you matter to me and have kept me from spinning into the galaxy at times.  know that the least "hello" has meant so much.  know that i am working towards better-than-okay-and-thriving-once-again.  and i am aware that my visceral reaction to particular aspects of my life is simply my gut telling me TURN AROUND, and yet i plunder forward.  it will all be good.  it's the middle that gets messy.

Thursday, May 08, 2014

i'm alive….i'm training a new job….tired but will write soon...

Sunday, May 04, 2014

i know some of the happiest people on earth - my friend Perfect Patty, for example.  Any time you ask her how she is, she responds, "Perfect!"  and she may or may not be, but she always always has a mischievous smile on her face, and a twinkle in her eye.  And often, a tiara on her head.  There is always fun afloat when Patty is nearby.
i know some of the saddest people on earth.  Not to draw attention to themselves or to feel "pity important," but just sad.  not always sad, but deeply sad, when sadness comes.
I fall somewhere in the middle.  some of the time, i'm ready to rock with the Patty's of the world, or be the one starting trouble.  sometimes, though, i fall into a black hole that has slippery walls and no bottom.  i don't always know why.  it just is.  well, mostly i do know why, i suppose.
it isn't often that i reach out for help, preferring to just wade through it, knowing soon the clouds will clear, or the situation causing the dark clouds will be resolved.  but last night.  last night caught me by surprise.  it tossed me and left me howling and sobbing, alone, in my house. with Henry.  thank God for Henry.  and as hard as it was - i reached out.  and i was very surprised by the responses…or lack thereof.  a friend in Florida texted that she'd pray.  another elicited no response. none. i sent the same message in desperate attempts to just connect:  I am in so much pain right now.
and an offer to pray, well, that is somewhat hollow…somewhat flip.  if you know a person is in pain, reach them.  somehow.  call.  text and ask if they need you to call.  or something.  just listen to them sob.  no advice is needed.  and usually none is wanted.  just reach out and touch, like the commercial used to say.  it' so so much more important than any other thing.  perhaps this electronic world has taken that from us, that compassion.
one friend stood.  a friend in much chaos & turmoil herself over a life change.  offered words of balm.
and it was so hard for me to reach out, because i'm usually the one on the other side of the reach.  but it was such a dark place and i needed light…a hand to grab mine and pull hard, or just hold on.  the day was spent trying to smile over a family dinner while trying to recover from the night and trying not to think about getting through a first day of a new job tomorrow.  so much spinning all at once.  my last 2 days of "freedom" spent slaying a dragon.
Please…life is not facebook…you cannot click quickly and consider that reaching out.  you cannot send a smiley face and consider it empathy or compassion.  put the electronics down and remember how it felt when you sat in a dark hole and asked for help.

Saturday, May 03, 2014

it has been A Week.  i've felt rather like a dodgeball, being kicked around.  so many good things, then bang! flat out.  my fibro has been a mess, which is probably due to stress…new/old job starts monday.  i feel like i have so much to do to get ready, and still so much i want to do before my time gets chewed up by training.  i bought some beautiful table coverings - Tiffany blue butterfly placemats with yellow jacquard tablecloth, to go with my antique dishes, and new Tiffany blue ones.  Big dinner planned tomorrow with PSD and her boyfriend tomorrow required much prep today.  a text about an hour ago let me know he couldn't make it.  no reason given.  so $170 worth of food could have been reduced by quite a bit, had I known 3 hours earlier.  just felt like a kick in the gut, and with husband gone all day and likely till late tonight, i feel so so lonesome.  and like my time - my last few free days - have been squandered.  just bitching and moaning.  and i apologize.  it was that kind of week.  a person i had put some trust in, turns out to be a lunatic.  quite a lot was based on this person, and then bam!  I don't know if i'd feel this strongly about starting a different job - if this is intuition, or if it's just my body rebelling against the very early hours and constant on-the-run i'll need.  i need a nap now, but don't want to waste time but don't have anything else to do.  what a twist, eh?  and to think people have real problems.

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

the countdown

feelin the countdown today.  dropped Hen off at Blueprints to try out a new Wednesday pack.  I came home with a list of things to accomplish and promptly went back to bed.  did manage to get an entry in for a show.  it took a month, but i got it in at the last minute.  so it counts.  now.  time for a shower.  might try to add stuff to my website...

Sunday, April 27, 2014

covering

part of my new daily routine is to spend the first moments with my eyes closed…in prayer or meditation or just letting my thoughts wander.  as long as they don't cross the road alone, they can have free rein and romp in the fields.  this morning an urgent plea from Henry got me up before i had a chance, but after making sure he was all pottied, i went back under the covers to cuddle.  and i realized that i have a passion for entertaining - the prep of designing a menu and guest list and setting a beautiful table and the event itself.  mostly the prep.  and i thought about the difficulty i've been having in trying to find some table coverings i want to use.  so i started working it out in my head, just how to make what i wanted.  because i'll never ever find what i want.  they would definitely need to be custom.  and so they will be.  custom made by me.  and i thought, i can't be the only one who wants specific, well made table coverings.  and how it's an extension of my fiber work and former quilting self and assemblage work, etc.  and i realized that i could be on to something Just Enough and Maybe More.  so i have asked a sewing friend to teach me the 2 specific skills that i need a refresher on, and will begin GoldaTable…Custom Coverings for a Beautiful Table.
that is, after today's dinner with PSD and her boyfriend. or boy friend.  not sure.
I will still be doing animal reliquaries, and am so so humbled to be entrusted with this honor.

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

trying to get to my studio table…so many ideas and half-finished projects swirling around.  i can't seem to put myself in art motion, though.  it makes me tired to think about it.  yesterday recorded a massive nap, and i thought this whole cpap thing was supposed to make me feel more rested.  not yet.  not like this one…
a half day at Blueprints, and he's zonked.  then recharged in full mischievous power.
in my never-ending quest for the perfect addiction, i've been on a buying rampage in the table linen and dinnerware departments.  today, my trunk filled with this:


and these…

I may need a 12-step.  *sigh*  but i love setting a beautiful table.  And Liam, the chef from Ireland that I've befriended while he's here visiting, Liam gave me an armload of old foodie magazines from the UK and nearby areas.  They are delicious in their photography.  I would love to be able to just cook and set beautiful tables and have amazing dinner parties.  i certainly have enough place settings!  oh - i'd need a new table, though…what i'd love to do is just open up the kitchen/dining/livingroom areas of my house and make 1 big room.  in the middle, have a long wooden burl table to fit 16 or so.  yes!  what fun that would be!  do Sunday potlucks and Sunday brunch-into-dinners.  Liam is going back to Ireland in a few weeks, and I'd love to have him join us for our Sunday family dinner before that.  (Sunday family dinner is a tradition I started a few months ago in order for everyone to reconnect.  i love it).
my dream is to go to Ballymaloe Cooking School for the 12-week course…but afraid I would end up like this:


tonight i have beef burgundy and rosemary rolls.  tomorrow, an appointment with a PTSD specialist.  very excited about both.  Kitty is snoring on the chair with me…Henry is snoring at my feet.  the smell of dinner is wafting up the stairs.  maybe i will make some art, after all…maybe i already have….

Monday, April 21, 2014

a perfect day

a festive table awaiting guests...


blooming just in time...


a tired pup catching rays...


happy mom...




Sunday, April 13, 2014

the weekend

Special reliquaries for the Most Special Girl…
remembering Krasnodar...





a trip with my Rock Fairy to Saratoga Springs for balancing, grounding, stitching and shopping…this one is for Cayetano...


Beautiful buildings….


missing this monkey...


this morning, an early trip to the park...



didn't see this coming, but I guess they qualify...

sleepy eyes….

awestruck...


it was the best weekend ever.  Thank you Kim.




Tuesday, April 08, 2014

why do you allow yourself to hate?  why, when you purport to be enveloped in the Sacred Love, do you allow this hatred to slither through your House?  this hatred is the remnants of scars on your ChildHeart.  find the wound and allow it's lesson, it's purpose.  acknowledge it, thank it, then bid it goodbye.  it has served it's purpose, and is no longer needed.  it's lessons have begun to sour.  quick, before it rots, gently take it by the hand and walk it away.

Monday, April 07, 2014

sen

Last fall, i spent a week on a private island with 20 gorgeous women.  they were wide open in their hearts, and gorgeous in their souls.  they were artistically talented and not selfish with their knowledge.
It was there that I learned the Japanese word "sen."
It means 1000.
and according to Lisa Solomon (who should know, being that she's Japanese), it is more than a number, although it is a number…it is doing something 1000 times to honor it, know it, gain mastery in it…think 1000 origami cranes.  Lisa has a precocious daughter who is an amazing being all on her own.  Lisa's mom was there, as well, and it was such an honor to watch 3 generations interact and spill into one another.
so back to sen.
it seems i will honor the same points of consternation in my life…making the same decisions with the same result 1000 times…so i've decided to honor my mistakes, rather than use them as a club to whack myself over the head…i will soon gain mastery in wrong decision making, and will be called sensei…and i will, indeed, honor these 1000 mistakes, for they will eventually lead me to the correct decisions and footfalls.  so then, are they really mistakes?

Friday, April 04, 2014

Courage

Loosely quoted from Brene Brown, Courage is to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart.  I would love to sit with you, and perhaps a pot of tea, or maybe some cake flavored vodka, and do just that.  Let's make a date, shall we.  There are so many private things that involve others still alive, though.  Tell you what...if you want the whole raw, unvarnished thing, comment here.  I won't publish your comment, but will send you the "invisible" post.
Speaking of visibility, have you ever felt invisible?  Unneeded, perhaps unwanted, perhaps out of date, perhaps irrelevant ?  I will say I have felt all of these things at various times, and at varying degrees.  And here's what I know : nobody is not needed.  Everybody is always needed.  There is a spot for each of us in this life...a Lego snap-together Tetris-like space that each of us was meant to fill.  It may not be a grand, worldwide, all encompassing mission that your life was meant to fulfill.  It may be, that just by showing up every single day, there are ripples that you create that make it all work.
There's so much more to say, but the hands won't go any further today.  Maybe more later, but that's the gist of it.
Wishing you visible ripples...the payoff for Just. Being. You.

Tuesday, April 01, 2014

"How does one become a butterfly? You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar."
                             - Trina Paulus


I live inside a magazine. I’m a juggler, balancing routine
Smoke and mirrors, wood, steel, skin and rock ‘n roll
You see that world in my eyes. I work to keep it safe and alive. 
Some place in between restless and secure 

I stood out in left field watching
Birds painting the clear blue sky
When I stood out in left field watching

You snuck up on me like a wildfire
Sparks and flames flashing and flying
And I felt the light inside jumpstart

They train wild tigers to heel. Make devices to stop a rolling wheel. 
And junkies get clean, make amends and start anew 
I could ask the universe for wealth. Pray to God I’ll always have my health 
But I’ll wait a long, lonely night for you 

I stood out in left field watching
Birds painting the clear blue sky
When I stood out in left field watching

You snuck up on me like a wildfire
Sparks and flames flashing and flying
And I felt the light inside jumpstart

You jump started every little feeling that I’ve pushed away,
compromised, isolated, memorized 
You jump started every little fantasy I’ve entertained to
go insane, I can’t contain, baby you’re to blame 

I stood out in left field watching
Birds painting the clear blue sky
When I stood out in left field watching

You snuck up on me like a wildfire
Sparks and flames flashing and flying
And I felt the light inside jumpstart

Saturday, March 29, 2014

when in doubt,  Follow The Peace.  It is never wrong.
ahhhhhhhh.

Friday, March 28, 2014

Sunday, March 23, 2014

it's been a week since i started training at my new job.  i am going to be flat out honest here, as i always am.  and this is the one place i can express myself without worry of letting someone down, or any such thing.  there are only my own expectations here.

it is not good here.
it is a delicate eggshell i am walking.
it isn't just missing Henry.  but it is that also.
it isn't just missing being a housewife.  but it is that also.
it isn't just the newness and complete transformation of my day.  but it is that also.

it is gaining a paycheck.  it is gaining daily camaraderie.  it is working for a company with guts and integrity.

it is also completely losing my time to create.  it is also trying to cram in time to walk and create amazing dinners and play with Henry and watch my shows and all the little things that make me into me.  it is ordering my time, 7 days a week, to make the 5 days a week work.  it is getting up at 5am so that i have time to eat breakfast and get ready and get out the door and commute 40 minutes and walk 2 blocks from the parking lot to sit in a dark and Very Warm classroom with a 30 minute lunch brought from home, while all i want to do is cry.  very hard.  and so, on the way home, i hyperventilate.  or call someone to distract myself.  but the inevitable will be the inevitable, and the gut-wrenching tears will come anyway, sooner-or-later.  it's also going to bed at 7 or 8 latest, in the guest bedroom because i'm going to bed 5 hours or more earlier than husband who snores and wakes me up 5 or more times a night.  it's missing my warm little cannonball of a dog at night, who curled against my tummy and sucked on the sheet to get to sleep.  he sleeps upstairs.  i sleep alone with my brand new cpap machine hissing.  it is also not having the time, temperament or energy to continue working to repair and strengthen ties that have gotten dry rotted…they dangle still.  it is also not having anything left to give those that i want to give to.  my sister and i have never had a relationship, having only met 3 times (long story).   she was just diagnosed with breast cancer.  despite the distance, i want to reach out to her, and i will, but feel like my well is empty.

it's also about the arguing and nastiness that has overtaken my house whenever i try to express these things.  and when i feel time-crunched and choose hemming pants over going to buy new window blinds, feeling a knife in my heart as an angry back slams out a door to go shop alone.  despite the unresolved conversations of the week.

i feel no shame in admitting that i cannot remember a time where i felt so entirely alone and sad…where my house seemed to want to spew me out…where i have felt so completely not myself.

but yes.  i do remember.  and it was that time not so many years ago, when i tossed the 9-5 in pure self-preservation and ran for my pillow.  yes.  there are millions of people who face horrific days and nights that make me sound like an incredibly spoiled and insensitive bitch.  but i am only called to live my own reality.

a counselor has offered to teach me techniques for better sleep and to lessen panic attacks.  although kind, it seems like patching up the wounded and sending them right back into battle.  i want to find a foxhole and stay put.

be careful what you wish for, is what TUT's advice is, because it will come to pass.

i wish you good thoughts, magical words to speak your wishes into truth…and a compass to seek the best course.


Thursday, March 13, 2014

so, i hope you're still out there.  my posts have been irregular and dismally insubstantial lately, and for that i apologize.  you've been so loyal…showing up here.
as you may be able to tell, it's dark o'clock here.  early by the earliest bird standards, and certainly by any hour i've seen in a very long time.  and every hour is measured by the "next week at this time" clock.  like right now - it's 5:49am.  Next week at this time, I'll be making eggs and toast, and getting my lunch ready, so i can go out the door to my new job.  and be there, 40 minutes away (in good traffic, which it won't be) by 7:40.  A.M.  It was my intention to rise and shine at my "new" alarm clock time all week, so as to acclimate myself to it, and to staying bright-eyed throughout the day.  sitting in a training room.  trying to absorb 12 weeks of material condensed into 3 weeks.  trying not to feel like i wanted to violate the alarm clock and chuck the job and Just Sleep In.  that didn't happen.  i'm already tired, and only got up because Henry jumped to the floor after Bulimia Cat woke him up by crawling up my side to cozy up on my ear.  jumping to the floor from the bed, is the international symbol for I Have To Pee.  Henry took to re-paper training like a duck to water, and was so proud to show off his pee-pee on the paper.  he'd come strutting around the corner and stand there waiting for a Good Boy!  husband decided then that he didn't like the idea.  despite the below zero temps.  despite the fact that it was sooo much easier & convenient for a short-legged dog and a tired mommy.  despite the fact that mom will be gone from the house for 9 hours and sometimes husband will be out of town.  so i am ashamed to say, poor Henry is confused and a little upset by the bickering.  one of the things i see is a power play and i do not like my warm little Being shoved into the middle.  I will not stand for it.  said momma bear.  grrrr.
this past week has been one of uncovering truths.  one of the biggest being that i never want what i've been wishing for.  true.  confusingly true.  i wish for something, and pray for something, and get it.  then complain about it or wish it away.  one Perhaps for that - do i think i don't deserve it?  but i do!  do i wish for things that aren't as amazing as i thought they'd be?  Everything??  and perhaps this is why i struggle with making such big decisions.  somewhere in my heart-of-hearts, i toss and turn over whether something is really a tosser, or whether it is a keeper that i'm afraid to keep.  or a tosser i'm afraid to toss - sort of a hoarder of Bad Things That No Longer Fit.  i do know this job will allow a certain amount of breathing room.  not as much as the other opportunity, but it's something.  and the other opportunity was never mine, so no use comparing.  already.  and no use counting my chickens, since it's less than an hour off my pillow, and i'm feeling the need to sleep again.  yes - i am terrified of failing this job.  afraid of not wanting to let it go, even if my body is saying so.  It's been so many years at an easel…so many years of being gentle with my body when it needed gentleness…of pushing a bit, knowing that i could back off if needed…and now headed back out full force - it seems too quick to jump back.  just 6 days notice to change my life completely.
cross your fingers for me, friend.
wishing you bright eyes and bushy tails today.
as for me - back to bed.