not bad

twice in a month - not bad.  i love the freedom i've given myself to come here when i want, rather than feeling like i should.  
so. here's what i'm busy with…though i don't feel busy.  i feel rather like i'm wasting this gift of life…like i ShOuLd be doing something…moving forward…shedding skin, Becoming once again.  yes, it's spring, but so far there's been just one day of spring-like weather…tonight the wind whips and the rain torrents down the roof.  Henry will try to hold out as long as possible before absolutely needing to go out.  I try to train him to use the potty pads in the downstairs (unused) shower stall, but he has his pride.
so.  how am i doing?  much better, thank you.  i have moments of fear and moments of sadness and moments of flashing anger.  but nothing like the blinding fear/depression/rage i felt during the past 2 years.  things have settled, and now it's time to decide where to land - stay or go…here or there…i have a new job that i enjoy, and Henry, and a too-big house.  i have days where i spend too much time on social media to feel like i'm connecting with other humans, and days where i spend a lot of time connecting with other humans.
but my passion has been stirred.  it's a long route through a fertile land - i am working at this new job because it let's me out at 2pm so i can take classes and also work at my organizing business. I am writing a grant to raise money to create a teaching kitchen…this is a very long story (even for me).  But I want to have a place where the underserved can come and learn how to read a recipe and cook nutritious and inexpensive food - a la Good And Cheap cookbook.  I want the participants to leave with a grocery bag filled with those same ingredients and a copy of the recipe.  I want the kitchen to be available for those who don't have working appliances - they can come and cook their meals for the week and freeze them.  i want Food Banks and farmers to bring their overages to us.  there is no shortage of food - only a distribution issue. i know this to be a fact.  i want this kitchen to be located in the same area where participants can walk to it…transportation is not easy.
on a personal level…i am done being too nice.  it has gotten me only resentment and a circus to clean up after.  this week, i've taken a stand against two bullies, and let's see how the world spins.  i am naturally a gentle and non-confrontational person.  these traits have been misconstrued as being a pushover.  i suspect the issue has been straightened out.
i'm sorry for the ramble - sleep was far from my eyes last night, and my boss decided today would be a great day to train on some complex tasks….so it's all i can do to keep my eyes open (since 3pm).  i should just step away from the computer right now, and finish this when i make more sense……

how are you?