Saturday, October 31, 2009
"May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others.. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are.. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.."
at 4:03 PM
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
did i ever share this with you? can't remember. but last night, my neighbor called to thank me again for the walking stick i got her...it has given her back her freedom & power. after a loose dog attacked her 2 dogs, killing one, she was terrified to walk the other, in case of another attack. i happened to see this vendor display at a craft festival & Debi customized one with paw prints and human prints, and wrote the names of my neighbor's dogs on it (woodburned). Debi is a great person...one of those instant connections you meet at the soul level in an instant. have i seen her since? nope. but i have a sense that our paths aren't done crossing on this earth yet. and the walking stick got me thinking about the totems and charms and rituals we all have that make us feel more empowered...the lucky doodad or burning a special candle before meditation or before beginning art time. for a while, i was a serious fundamental christian...with the accent on the "mental." a church i went to had more rules than God ever intended, and I lived in fear that i'd break a rule, piss off God and bad luck and a teflon slide to hell would follow. i broke free, clearly. and although i began searching and exploring Buddhism and Hinduism and Judaism (again) and various & sundry belief systems and religions, nothing felt right...everything had something that didn't sit quite right in my spirit. so i gathered my own personal beliefs and decided that Linduism was the way to go. (my own - Linda + ism, since Judy-ism was taken *smile*). and i no longer feel like i need to peek around the corner for the teacher while i throw a spitball, and no longer feel Not Quite Good Enough. I still have some deep beliefs from the church days, but they are beliefs that ring true to me...not what a pastor shouted at me on endless sunday mornings. and i still love kirtan. and although the jury is still out for me on the endless array of brightly garbed dieties of Hinduism, i am drawn to the history and stories behind each, and have been known to call upon one or two for help in the studio. so it's an eclectic mix. i'm not sure why this is coming out in a post just now, but here it is. i guess for me, anything that serves to make a person feel Less, rather than Just Enough or Just Right, is something that does not come from a good place. and anything that doesn't have room for other thoughts and beliefs and feelings, and doesn't respect and celebrate the diversity of thoughts and beliefs...that isn't from a good place, either. in my opinion. if you have a diferent opinion, then i respect it and celebrate your right to have it...but this is my blog, so i write my stuff. and speaking of kirtan...how is it, i ask you, how is it that i can learn entire chanting songs in sanskrit - a language not known for it's contemporary usage here - learn them SNAP like that, but Spanish on demand - no way, Jose. today was to be the Day Of Linda Recording In Spanish. the man with the phone codes drove through a huge rainstorm just to punch in numbers while i listened for the tone, and hopefully began my message. in spanish. a language, you may remember, i do not speak. now, HE spoke spanish, but oooooh nooo - it had to be my voice...first in english, then spanish. and you may also remember that the last message i was to record was to say that no spanish-speaking agents were available. they knew this part ahead of time because there are no spanish speaking agents. i tried, y'all. i really really tried. i tried by reading it in spanish. i tried by reading the painstakingly written phonetic translation. i tried by willing myself to be spanish. no luck. it's like trying to fill that little cup at the Dr's office first thing in the morning. finally the code man became exasperated and fairly shouted, "JUST SAY blah blah blah! JUST SAY IT!" so that was the key - when i heard him say it, i could parrot his sounds. except for that rrrrr sound - of which there were many. but by then he was covered in high blood pressure and i had flop sweat rolling from my armpits. yes, i could say "to continue in spanish, press number 5," but looming ahead was a Full Paragraph of information...many many words, i tell you. and neither of us had the fight for it left in us. so we found the director, and in a move so unbelievably generous, the code man told her that the codes were wrong and he had to fix something at the junction box or some damn place, and we'd have to do it again. i could have kissed his purple cheek. i doubt he'll return, but it'll give me some time to practice. perhaps. meanwhile, Miriam - the maintenance worker from Cuba has a great voice. i have suggested her to the director many times. Miriam was a college professor in Cuba, as was her husband. they now empty the trash at our corporate offices while saving to bring an adult daughter here. i was teaching Miriam english, as best i could, when i worked at the new new office. she had been trying to teach me spanish. i should have paid better attention. Miriam was a professor. Miriam is now emptying my trash. my thoughts are too complex to write about this. i will say i honor her, and i envy her courage and persistance at life. her husband has the equivalent of a PhD. he vacuums. and i have caught them both dancing salsa in the copyroom with the accounting clerks. those random thoughts for you tonight...a good night full of Tiger chai tea and sweat pants and a peacefulness in my heart. au revoir, muchachos. L.
at 6:47 PM
Monday, October 26, 2009
a quiet house. diva is at grandma's for the week while i sort out what to do about her. yesterday, she bit my angelfriend. i understand her motivations, but that doesn't make them acceptable. and as unacceptable as some human behavior is in this house, she (diva) creates more tension with her bad behavior. our house is divided by it...me & her against the rest. me worrying about leaving her alone here (alone being any time i'm not here, even if others are...especially if others are). i had 3 choices...training, banishment, or euthanasia. the third was not really a choice, and was a thought that made me physically ill for the moments it joined the list, and then was erased from the list. she is a rescue. she was used as a bait dog in her early beginnings. she was rescued, then mistreated again. then was entrusted to me. i let her down by letting her beginnings dictate how i dealt with her...or didn't, as it became the case. i worked around her fearful behaviors, and made excuses for them, and tailored my life around them. then married, and expected the rest to do the same. hmmm. a theme here? i sent her to the solitude of grandma's, where no visitors would surprise and scare her, and her fear response would not be activated. i thought it would be best for her,and for the household. but as i walked in the door tonight, the house was Empty...no wags greeted me...no kisses and puppy hugs...just. silence. and i knew i couldn't pretend not to miss her so very deeply. so that left only 1 option...an option that should have been used 10 years ago...training. rather than reward her bad behavior by looking the other way, i should have sought this out ESPECIALLY for her. when she knows her place in the pack and knows what to expect of which behaviors, she will be a much happier, well-behaved dog. her anxiety level must be so very high all the time. so on november 14th, we will begin our training together. it should be interesting...the trainer comes to the house...i wish him luck getting in the door. since diva is afraid of men, this should make for a doubly interesting day. i will stock up on peroxide and bacitracin and bandaids. just in case his reputation is as overblown as his fee. it will take some budgetary maneuverings the likes of which no ponzi scheme has ever seen. but worth every cent if it works. it would be nice to have company over and not listen to a backdrop of mini-wolf howls coming from an upstairs bedroom. just in time for the return of the steppers for break. 5 weeks. and hopefully a kinder, gentler Pooh-dog. cross your fingers! xoxL.
at 9:09 PM
Sunday, October 25, 2009
I feel as if I've just returned from a long journey...and in a sense, I have. My piece for the CORE show is done, and if I could download the flyer for it I certainly would ...my crazy computer has a mind of it's own. (or perhaps my mind isn't acting technical, but anyway...). I promised Georgia 1st viewing, and hope she feels what I put into this project...that will be my canary-in-the-mine. This has been the most excruciating process, and equally, the best spend time...it's been a while since I questioned the questions...i had begun to take for granted the fact that i could put nails and nuts and beads and metal and fiber togather and Make Art of it. it had been some time since i had been faced with feelings of being an imposter, or inadequate, or maybe just Average. and my usual M.O. is to teflon my way around those thoughts, and not accept them ...just ignore them outright. but apparently, this was my shining moment ordained to deal with those issues, lucky me. and i am patting myself on the back for boxing and fighting my way through them...facing them toe-to-toe, seeing them for the liar that they are, and slaying them. i have come away stronger and more certain. and more tired! what normally would have taken me a week to complete dragged on and on and on through the summer...every spare moment, every "sick" day, every weekend moment from 5am-midnight. and honestly, i never realized how debilitating uncertainty can be...how completely it could stop your feet in their tracks. sort of a mirror for my life. but back to art...i observed myself from a third-person perspective at times...shaking my virtual head and wondering why in the world this was such a big hoo-ha to not move forward...why each material was being questioned, and each placement of the FINALLY selected material was questioned. normally, the materials leap at me and there is, inside me, a knowledge that it belongs Here or There, and it is never questioned...i learned long ago that eventually it will all make sense and look Just Perfect. so don't stop the flow of the process...just be the hands. so that was a big issue...why was i stunting the process? why was i creating my own failure? in the past (the wayback past...like 40 years ago, give or take, yeah - like before i was born. ah-hmmm) whenever something got too hard or scary, i wanted to just quit - walk away. whether it was a skating competition, or a gymnastics competition (yes - this old ass used to do those things) when the going got tough, i was allowed to walk away. not pushed out there on the ice, or thrown onto the balance beam...just an Ok, You Don't Have To, and off to the mall. so although I've faced down a lot of demons and hard things throughout my life, it is the non-survival issues that seem to hang me up. yes - i can work 3 jobs in order to survive. yes...oh don't make me make a tragic & boring list - you get the point. but it's the Soul Enrichment issues. and i suspect there will be plenty more tests and strengthenings to come, but i feel like i've just aced the SAT of them all. so I thank you Anne, for putting this show together and Swirly for putting me together with it...and i thank myself for rising to the occasion and putting myself together. My "other" piece was called "She's Come Undone." The one being bubblewrapped and ready to ship is called "Honor." I'll post pictures as soon as Georgia sees it. now - off to find vodka. xoxLinda
at 10:35 AM
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Friday, October 23, 2009
maybe it's saying goodbye-for-now to the yaks... or seeing the piles of crisp leaves mounding up in my yard... something about the last week or so has had me feeling lonely...i've been rambling around the house with diva and kittenhead, who are fine company, but honestly - they do not speak english. i've been delving deep, between the Artist's Way and all the issues the mannequin project has brought out, and just not really having a lot of human companionship...and after being sick for so many days, i came home the other night drained and weepy and totally feeling sorry for myself, and just look who appeared at my doorstep.... what's not to love about a little sock baby? what incredible timing! Thank you - as if you knew... and i felt like, okay, you big derf, stop this feeling sorry/sad stuff now...remember your Lake...reach out...remember you are loved...remember someone else may need to know they are loved and honored and seen and heard and the next day, there, indeed were people who felt down and lonely and invisible that needed to be seen and heard, and i was given the honor of letting them know that they were all that - and a side of fries. and it made me grateful. and the gratefulness moved things outward again. and that drew Good Things to me. so today, as i tgif'd my way into the driveway, i opened the mailbox, and LO! an incredible card & note from a Great Sparkling Ball of Light...just in time...just to push me past that last crumb that was catching in my heart that was trying to tell me This Is All There Is...and i sat there in my car grinning my butt off and feeling not so lonely and not so unseen and not so B-movie sappy. remind someone this weekend that you honor them...that their friendship is important...that they are boundless and endless and wonderful - just by Being. it really feels good...to the giver and the receiver. thank you, all, for gifts received and thoughts sent and for just Being. i send my deepest love to each of you. xoxLinda
at 7:33 PM
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
sad to say my 600th post was a whiney one. *sigh* well, may i redeem myself a bit? i am cranky and grouchy because of this bug, but strangely am feeling good (in a small part of my brain) because i'm taking care of myself and staying in bed. normally i turn into Mondo Martyr, and still try to keep my regular schedule...times 10. not much choice with this bug, but still...i made a concious choice to take care of myself. i had picked up a book, Her Fearful Symmetry, on Saturday, and remember thinking I'd never have time to read it. got time. i'm 3/4 done. at the scary part now, so i'm putting it away for the night. and - bonus- whenever i'm sick, i have the strangest dreams. the last few nights have been wildly creative! last night i dreamed that i owned a huge gallery, and it was opening night. the place was crowded and rocking. on the 3rd floor, i had a loft and studio. at some point, i woke up and then fell back asleep, and continued the dream. since my last post, i found, and ran, spybot. problems solved. it's amazing how disconnected i felt from the world...can't leave the house...everyone else at work...no internet...yikes! i was amish. i usually go to bed early, and read in bed for a while with the TV on. the TV is mostly for a nightlight for the husband, so he doesn't turn on the room light when he (finally) comes in. today - no TV. bliss. not a huge fan, but have my favorite shows. today mom came over to walk diva dog, and brought me some magazines and sachets. she comes up with the strangest things! she wants to say I Love You, but that's awkward between us, so she buys some thing. i've become used to finding a pair of socks or chapstick or something with a bow on it when i get home. there are so many unspoken issues between us. i think we both got tired of bad feelings and the hurts, but couldn't find our way back, so we ignore the 1000 pound gorilla in the room and buy chapsticks for each other. it's something, at least. my hope is to be able to tell our stories to each other someday. but in doing so, some pretty huge landmines will get blown up. and i'm not sure what purpose those would serve. but yet, the choice becomes this: our superficial, but workable relationship, or a deeper one but at a cost. of course you'd think the deeper relationship would be the best, but honestly, i'm not sure either of us has the fight left in us for that. we each know in our heart-of-hearts that the other loves us truly & deeply. but in order to have a Pure Love, a demonstrative love, and unimpeded love, it would require so very much re-breaking of hearts and repairing, and re-pairing....and who knows if what would remain would be better or worse. so we tread this middle ground, mom & I, in silent agreement that we both would like more, but are content in our way, with what is there. it's better than it was for so many years, and the fear of going back not-quite-far-enough makes us each accept what we now have. so that is why i'm the geek who always tells you how i feel. and how i think you're wonderful. and exactly why you're wonderful. not to be confused with being a sycophant or stalker...just making sure that you know how i feel. and hopefully you already feel the same about yourself. oy...so i am rambling...better living through chemistry, as my medicine takes hold. again. goodnight. be well. and i mean that. L.
at 10:51 PM
i have my computer back....3 days in Geek Squad and they still hadn't finished the scan, so i took ot back. there are now 2 trojan events and 3 phishing thingies on it that weren't there before. i have no idea what to do next. i googled spybot and got a bunch o' sites and couldn't figure out which one was the REAL one. i have been laid up in bed for 2 days sick now, and tomorrow isn't looking so good. i'll stop here, because i sound like a whiny baby. pity me, though. and if you have any technical suggestions, please let me know. i am desperate.
at 7:38 PM
Saturday, October 17, 2009
let me start by saying that, in the unlikely chance that i should win tonight's Yolanda Vega Lotto extravaganza, i will buy the internet. once it is mine, i will make some rules. first, and foremost, anyone and i mean ANYONE - your child, your grandmother, your dog, even you - anyone who sprouts some malicious viral thing will be banned. and placed in hell, where they will forever shovel coals. forever. what possible high can these people get from going "Oh Cool! i've disrupted people's lives...people i don't know...people who innocently go about their business." i am scratching my head over that. graffiti on walls...that i get. april fool's jokes? check. you get to see the reaction, and they're usually pretty narrowly targeted. like when youngblood texted his dad who was in the middle of a 3-day top level meeting. and he said "my girlfriend's pregnant." that i understand. that is easily undone with a smack to the side of the head, and a divorce. but not this email mess i am now confronted with. and a possible bill of $200 to un-do it. $200 that was better spent shipping a mannequin across country. but i am sidetracked. now, rule two...think of email as sex. if you do not have a virus protection program on your computer...do not email. simple. you are risking everyone's computing health by sending unprotected emails. we do not think this is funny. and moreover, the joke you sent that i accidentally opened? i have seen it so many times since the dial-up days, it just has lost it's humor. so seriously - please - get protection. i have protection, but apparently your virus beat my protection. and now, i can't get that important email i've been waiting for. and i can't email my friends to say i was thinking of them. i know i'm on a rampage here, but it just feels so violating. and honestly, i don't read those forwards. i delete them. and i made 1 mistake...i clicked the wrong line in the received box. it shouldn't count. i am careful. i have good 'net manners. and since the time of my old 185 computer, i have learned some things: people hate those Getting To Know You forwards...Bill gates will not be sending you money, or anyone else for that matter, just because you click something...there is no lost dog...the sick child has not aged since i first saw that email in the mid-90's...there is no pot of gold waiting on the internet anymore than there is in your mailbox along with a publishers clearinghouse check and balloons. yes, i'm cranky. i have the flu and my computer has a virus. but just the email. and i love LOVE getting emails. i love getting real old-fashioned mail more, but emails are nice. just put a condom on the computer first. Thank you. i'm done now. oh - except to say that if you have emailed me anytime since friday night, i probably didn't get it, so please resend AFTER sunday. i am either getting no emails, or the ones that squeeze through get replicated exponentially so i hurry them into the deleted folder, where they pop out again into my inbox, doubling themselves each time///3 become 6 become 12, etc. now i'm done. thanking you for listening. i'm not a bad person...just pretty hardwire for hell right now. L.
at 2:52 PM
Please DO NOT email me until sunday after dinner....my emails continue to replicate themselves...geek squad, here i come. i apologize ...i thought i had this licked.
at 12:58 PM
it is very very early. i spent the better part of the night cleaning a virus out of my email box. it came from a forwarded email joke thing. i didn't open it, but as my cursor scrolls down the list of emails, it automatically opens them...so i guess, technically, i opened it. i usually just delete any forwarded messages...the joke kind. having been in this spot before. and it caused the demise of my old computer. it took 2 techs and 4 virus programs and 7 business days to get it working again. but it was never really the same. so i'm uber-protective of my new computer. i have a spanky virus program on it. and yet....whenever i deleted this email, it popped back into my inbox, dragged everything else with it, and duplicated it by 2. so i ended up with over 32 copies of these things. that's 32 copies of 16 deleted emails. do the math. my abacus melted. so thankfully i have HandsomePierre's home number, and he is far too polite to not help. so don't send me joke emails. i'm not laughing. i am however, despite the fever, motivated and excited - yes excited!-to get going on my mannequin. i hope to finish today, or will jump from my roof. i love her. it was the right thing to switch. of that, i am certain. and the other 2 that are headlessly staring at me have designs awaiting. so i should end up with 3 done by christmas! hmmm...now who needs a mannequin under their tree.....
at 5:30 AM
Friday, October 16, 2009
first: Happy Birthday Georgia! may your year be full & juicy and bursting with goodness and gratitude! you are a VSP. this is short & sweet...my intention was to stay up late late and rock out this mannequin. tomorrow is the last full day i have to complete it, if it's to be shipped in time. although gailwhonevercalls has a husband who works for one of those fastest shipping companies, and he recommended overnight shipping because it's handled less - from the hub to the plane and on to it's new home. makes sense. so i may have a few more minutes after all! as i mentioned, my INTENTION was to rock it...not so. my face is swollen and i think i may have a root canal issue brewing. usually happens on a friday or saturday when every endodontist is closed. i've taken tylenol and some leftover antibiotics. i think some vodka may help. the other woman in my new office space (read: former storage closet with 3 women in it) has been out 3 days with a flu. since we sit on top of each other, i am hoping this achy painy eyes hurt thing is really just the tooth. of course i could have run across the street to one of our offices, but since i was the only employee in my dept today, and because i have my own outside (expensive) dentist, i didn't go. and my dentist is not open on fridays since he is also an artist and gives himself a 3-day weekend to make art. my endo, on the otehr hand, works fairly normal dental hours and buys my art. so the quandry. my art usually sells to him for exactly the price i need to pay him. funny how that works out. so as i stare at a suitcase filled with doodads and shtuff to attach to miss mannequin, i am out of gas. the effort needed to wield a needle & thread is more than i can muster. i went to bed at 8:30 last night, too. my body preparing for todays pain, i guess. so it'll be an early one tomorrow morning, and a day in the studio with no breaks. i have so many projects brewing in my bee brain right now. i apologize, Georgia - your present will be delivered late. but filled with love! OH! go here and look at this amazing stuff! i personally own some of it and highly recommend it. i do not have the full collection, so if you feel inclined to buy me a birthday present, any would be great. just sayin. xox linda
at 8:03 PM
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
(UPDATE: thanks to sue, here's the pic...better in person, but nonetheless...) if i could figure out how to transfer photos from my cameraphone to this blog, you would be looking at the most heartstopping triple rainbow...you would see each and every distinct color - even the elusive purple - in wide, proud bands arching across a sky that was cloud-dark on one side, and sunlight searing through the treetops and glistening on sugar droplets of finished rain on the blazingly brilliant autumn leaves...you'd see the cars pulled over at the side of the road as drivers forgot the rush and hustle of their hamster wheel to stare with their mouths open and make a wish, and wonder "is there a promise held here for me?" and they would wonder which promise they'd want kept...which desire, which urging, which unfulfilled nook of their hearts would they want heard in that rainbow...and to follow the great vibrant arch end to end, as far as possible, with the color bold and true throughout...the colors not of anything that could be captured by crayola or pantone...colors made up of dreams and prayers and wishes and a thousand wonderful giggles from heaven...you'd see the crows linng the trees, their caws silenced in reverence...and amazingly the bands repeated time, time, and yet again...if only i could show you...but i think i just did.
at 6:40 PM
Saturday, October 10, 2009
October 7th was the anniversary of my father's passing. It is a day that send me reminders, even if i'm caught up in the daily drama. my brother called me as i was about to sink into sleep, and we talked for a lot of hours. and that cracked open a door that has been bolted and rusted shut for a long time...we talked of hurts and pain and perceptions of that day years back...how one person's absence can affect so many...and how things have traveled in the years since. and of course, that got my mind do-si-do-ing from point A to B to C and on through the alphabet. And i wrote a letter to my diary - my heartSelf. remember diaries? maybe you're too young or electronic. but back in the day, girls had diaries. they usually had a lock on them, which was easily opened (as i discovered) and they were the precursor to today's journals...they were a place to write your secret thoughts and fears and mad crushes and any other thing that you'd never even tell your BFF. for the record, we did not have BFF's then, only best friends...hardly any acronyms at all. people had time to say the actual words, because there were no computers to cruise internets on, and no internets to cruise...no cell phones, no voice mail. totally unliveable by today's standards! but back to the point, i wrote what would have been my Dear Diary entry if i didn't have all the electronics to enhance life's experience, and made peace with a part of my heart that has not seen daylight in quite some time. i've always been honest and forthright in my posts, and don't feel like holding back is in any way a part of my makeup...i am a constant communicator, as T once told me. i admit that it is sometimes exhausting to be a companion or friend to someone who's chemistry is at war between ADD and CFS (more acronyms!), and makes me appreciate the hardiest of you more than you know. so i share this with you now: Dear Diary, or should i say - "dear Linda" because it's time i sat myself down and had a thoughtful conversation? you, Linda, are the girl who who has always held back a little part of herself...guarded in a locked suitcase, ready to run. you are the girl who wishes for goodness and sends it out in huge volume, but is unable to expect it to return to her. you are the girl who keeps hidden that piece...that very most important part of her...just in case. you are the girl who doesn't do _____ because the potential for hurt (no matter how small) is too scary - even when the chances are pretty good that it will only be good result. who still keeps a good strong lock on that most important part. who, even when faced with a grand opportunity, watches for the the other shoe to fall...who feels like an imposter when great good fortune comes her way - even if it came through hard diligent work. even if it comes for no reason other than another person gave freely...or saw a shadow of the the thing you keep hidden. what that piece is, that hidden thing, is...do you even remember? and yet even though you've become a strong person with ideas and opinions and thoughts of your own, you still keep a little piece of that 7th grade girl locked up inside...the one you let have a voice, even though her time has long past...the one who signed up for cheerleading tryouts, but left when she saw all the popular girls sitting there...the one who let an off comment determine who she thought she was...the one who tried to wear the right clothes and do the cool things without thought as to if they felt true to her. the one who began to resent her mother for not guiding her through the minefield of teenage angst...did you ever realize that there were other voices that were more important? ever realize that you were seen completely differently? ever realize that the off comment was made in jealousy, not in truth? did it ever occur to you that everyone else was feeling the same thing you were? so as you work your way through this mannequin, the realizations of your core...your true self...your spirit & your spirituality...i think it's time to open that little suitcase inside your heart, let the little hurt voice out to go with the wind, and fill it with what is now known to be true...the girl replaced by the woman...the perceived hurts and insecurities replaced by the wolf spirit...prop that suitcase open for those wonderful things to be seen...give them light and breath and fresh air, lest they get stagnant...they are yours.....and yes, there will still be some that have diferent ideas about what you have to offer, but that only means that those gifts are not meant for them - not that those gifts are somehow damaged or lessened. " 10/7/09
at 3:11 PM
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
what a day to put a gold star on the calendar about. before you get excited...nothing mo mo monumental...just one of those days that make you smile as a constant parade of little presents pop up at you from the universe. it started out rough - 5:32am thunder followed by diva pacing my forehead, then leaping into the tub for safety...of course she wants ME to be safe, so she wolf-howls till i join her. Kita was the same way (till he went deaf). i had extra time before work, since going for a w-a-l-k was a laughable thought...i figured i'd have a cleanup job when i got home. THEN grandma (who woke up with the same thunder at her house) figured diva would be terrified, so she came over and got her. and is keeping her overnight. so i had time to stop at the bookstore after work! the day in between held gifts ...for once, the computers AND the phones went down at the same time, leaving idle hands for the devil's workshop. i Linda-ized the new (old) office a bit...faxing fun notes and pictures to everyone, and generally amusing myself in the usual ways...sticky notes that say "IMPORTANT!!" with a paper clip on them, and nothing attached, etc...juvenile. yes! my handprint on life. as i drove home - well actually ATTEMPTED to drive home, haven gotten on the hiway in the wrong direction - i decided to make this a mini brain vacation...i took my time as i drove, and planned an actual dinner for 1. i ended up having breakfast...scrambled eggs and some fabulous bread - honey apple oat, sliced thick thick. something cozy wrapped around me. a mug of Tiger Chai tea. I bought a load o' books and magazines at B&N, and will take a bubble bath as soon as the tub finishes filling. a bubble bath! i used to take them all the time, and (TMI time...) when hillbilly & I were dating, i insisted that we argue in the tub. hard to stay mad and naked at the same time. our new house has this tiny tub that even I can't stretch out in. maybe that's what i'll blame the trouble on. if you ever get to squam, bring bubble bath...huge clawfoot tubs. i have been formulating an SOP of sorts for my Self...rules to live by...things i wish i did, things i wish i do, things i will promise myself to do on a regular schedule. saturday mornings will be yoga...sunday nights will be Big Soak time with the other man in my life, Mr. Bubble (although i'll have to remember to shut the door - diva jumps in the tub when i'm in there...and i'm going to do The Artists Way with Spiral Betty a/k/a Nebraska. so more about the day's gifts...i scored some of the spankiest composition books on sale for 69-cents! artist way ching. my boss asked about my mannequin project, and said something so incredible about how she pictured me putting such-and-such on it...and i was amazed that she remembered a piece i'd described to her a few months back...Amazed! (a pause here for a moment of domestic drama)ok - so breaking up my zen moment of remembering my blessings, is the cat downstairs yowling and screaming and launching herself (himself) at something. a terrifying sound. i call my neighber to stay on the phone with me while i walk downstairs...no answer...i call my mother...no answer...i call the hillbilly who will no doubt start dragging his knickles from 9 hours away and tell me to grab the ruger with 14 in the clip and 1 in the tube and go downstairs with the headset on so i can grasp the handle like charlie's angles (he can smell the powder from CT), but no answer. i go down the stairs creepy creepy quietly just as the next scream/slam sound comes up the stairs, jumps into my throat and grips my heart while simultaneously at the same time i tell you exactly as my armpits fill with an icy cold wet terror and my feet refuse to listen to the brain which is screaming screaming i tell you GO BACK! RUN AWAY! like on all those movies where the girl is running from the monster man and drops her keys and somewhere in my movie right here right now, the ears hear a trickling sound not unlike that of warm water with zen-like soap bubbles floating on the surface just like that sound trickling over the edge of, oh, say, porcelain or fiberglass and pooling across tile yes just like that same exact sound but the feet are just too curious, so they go down the stairs just in time to see the cat launch itself at the picture window which is featuring a fern waving in the wind just outside. a fern. outside. waving in the wind. just a fern. and now, water. in the bathroom. not just in the tub, but in the bathroom. upstairs. and we know from 8th grade science that water will seek it's own level or some such crap i never paid attention, as i was too in love with the teacher and just doodled Mrs Linda Spofford all over my notebook for an hour. so. the only question remaining: where's the fucking vodka?
at 7:30 PM
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
yes, i feel the change of the seasons....early darkness...a crisp in the air...fragrant jasmine-y flowers replaced by woodsmoke...the drone of lawnmowers replaced by the crunching of leaves underfoot. this is my favorite time of year...as the earth prepares for a few months of rest, tucked in under it's snow blanket. it's also the time of year when i gear up in earnest for my least favorite moments...dark moodiness...doldrums...outright depression that makes me want to tuck in under my own blanket and just stay put for a day, or a few days, or a week. i've learned my body's rythym, and know when to be extra good to myself, and when to say no to invitations and stay quietly at home, rather than paste on a happy face and scream inwardly with a tantrum that i just. want. to. go. home. and as you well know, home has not been my respite fortress in a while, but some inward fear takes hold and a bone deep tiredness overcomes any good intentions. some great good news came yesterday, and even more today, and this has me dancing on pointe...the new building my department has been moved to (which is actually the old building the company began in) is so remote and so scary, that i refused to stay until 7pm...being that i would be the lone person in the entire building and in the entire office park. i simply stated that it was a safety risk i was not prepared to gamble with. i would be leaving at 5pm with everyone else that day, and for any remaining days they felt they would keep me on. my manager and supervisor agreed...this building was new to them, as well, and no one had any idea of how little thought anyone had put into our safety. so we all leave at 5pm now. i go in at 8am, which means an alarm blaring at 5am. a trade off, i suppose, until that lottery ticket pays off! then today, my job duties were changed, and i although the number of "things" i do in a day has been slashed, it is perfect. my new supervisor took stock of who does what and who's talents lie where, and decided that i was best on the phones and followup with those issues. in order to do that properly, everything else was redistributed. everything. so my day is filled with what i am happiest doing, and i leave at a normal hour...what's not to love? i get home with time to walk diva dog and eat dinner and work on some artwork and post a blog entry! and i may actually have time to find my pictures that HandsomePierre put on my new computer for me! so i'm going to take advantage of some actual ME time now. i challenge each of you to reach out to someone in your life - whether a friend, aquaintaince, co-worker, or someone you just pass everyday on your way here or there...i challenge you to perform a random and anonymous act of kindness for them at least once a month through these dreary next months. you just will never know how meaningful it is...how warm and incredibly love-filled and life-saving it feels to receive something from someone...just because. and the feeling you get for the giving is amazing, too. be warm. be well. be fabulous. xoxLinda
at 6:48 PM
Sunday, October 04, 2009
so today i began contemplating stuff. it was a beautiful fall day - warm sun on my back, and just a touch of chill in the air: perfect for big cozy sweaters! and being outside was the order of the day, as the house (hopefully) airs out. and what i realized is how a grumpy & dismal veneer was trying to paint itself into the corner of my heart...how the ground i gained was eroding a bit...how i was seeing the glass as half full AND half empty...sort This, BUT That Too. and i realized that i was beginning to operate under the "best defense is a good fence" playbook...that in order to not have to challenge myself or make difficult choices and changes, it was easier to stay put and grumble, or stay put and just be miserable, or stay put and stay little. and my dreams aren't lofty...no "CEO by such-and-such a year" or to be featured in X-number of galleries by 2011 or anything like that. no, my dreams are simple and attainable. To Be. whoever that may be. when i was 20 i thought, okay - this is it...i know it all and have Become who I will be for the rest of my life. Ha. silly child! then at 30, i realized - not so much, my friend. at 40 i began to mellow and melt into myself like a pair of your go-to jeans. satisfied with what i felt. but whoo boy - 48 hit like a ton of bricks, and i realized that there was Still More i wanted from my life. from my Self. and began to feel like Houdini in chains hanging over a column of water. i struggle at the bindings and shook some locks free, but still i was uncomfortable in that fidgety way that makes you think you may have forgotten an important appointment, or makes you look to see if you've accidentally worn your bedroom slippers to work. i am still not living my life on my terms. and although i may have to stay at my Big Girl job, i am okay with that as long as I can do it on my terms. i have refused to work until 7pm. that mandate from me came on friday. the new office is too remote and dark for a woman to work alone in at night. and night comes around 5pm these days. not 1 day will i stay. and i will schedule my studio time as if it truly is an appointment. because it is. with myself. and i will hold my time and my heart and my art with tenderness and gratitude of the gift that it is. and be thankful for the talent i have been given...never again to side-burner it or downplay it. it is a gift. a gift given to me that required nothing on my part...not a question of deserving or being anything special...just a gift. and i will use that gift in blessing of others and in gratitude for the expression. and with the thoughfulness that it deserves. we are all given gifts. and they have a place and purpose in the world. and each of us is equipped with our own special "thing" that has a place in order to fulfill a need. and to be envious of another's gift is to disrespect your own. and to not use your gift is certainly a loss to the world, because each of us is a puzzle piece that has a niche...a place where we fit in. and if the piece that fits in the middle near the side doesn't feel needed or think it has importance, then we all suffer. my cousin worked in a puzzle factory when he was 16-iah. i was a kid around 6years old. whenever we went to visit his family, my biggest treat was to go with his sister to pick him up from work. and he'd come out of the puzzle factory and dive into a dumpsterload of rejected puzzles and bring one to me. all boxed up. but with 1 or more pieces missing, of course. or 2 of the same pieces somewhere in there, but 1 of the 2 needed to be a different shape entirely in order to complete the picture. do i need to explain? didn't think so. so as i have spent endless hours urging others to develop and use their gift - whether it be art or music or theater or just being the shoulder to lean on - i will now challenge myself to honor the same in myself. it is easier, my friend, by far, to only stay within the fence - the comfort zone you've set up for yourself...a fence that keeps out anything that would come to you wrapped in beautiful paper with a beautiful red sparkly bow...but would require you to change something or do something different. a fence that keeps you locked in to your 6 paces square. i have spent some time meditating on What Is Next. and it only took a few moments, believe me when i say it. within moments what i had kept on the other side of the fence jumped over at me and gave me a huge hug. and i hugged back. and together we will face the fence and the challenge. stay tuned! L.
at 6:01 PM
and your clothes and your studio. last night, as I slept - hitting the hay after 1am - smoke from the hillbilly bonfire crept up a therm towards the night sky. At some point between 1am and 6am, hillbilly husband decided it was Too Warm in the room, and opened up the slider from the second story balcony that is outside the bedroom where he slept, and directly above said bonfire. immediately following that, the therm became interested in the cozy room where sounds of a buzzsaw were eminating and peeked in. the smoke, piggybacking on the therm, became less interested in the night sky, and more interested in the cozy cave where, it thought, the sound was more like a big kodiak bear. and soon the smoke was drawn in to take a look-see. nope. it was just a human. snoring. but, hey - look at all these pretty colors! let's look around shhh! quietly. so therm and smoke crept throughout the closets and studio and hair and pillows and every other thing in the house. mostly the upstairs, because therms, by nature, are risers. so this morning when papa bear awoke, he knew he had done a very bad thing. a thing that could not quietly and quickly be undone. meanwhile, kitty had found a mouse and was chasing it throughout the lower portion of the house - the portion untouched, as yet, by smoke. and divadog, being half-cat, became interested in what kitty was chasing and began to chase kitty. so check your bingo cards for the While You Were Sleeping lucky numbers: therm from hillbilly bonfire rises gracefully to meet the night sky...smoke from same said bonfire follows therm into open sliding glass door...smoke fills upper cave where sleeping bear is, then travels across the hall to studio filled with delicate fabrics, roving, and various art-in-progress...kitty chases mouse...dog chases kitty...mouse faints...kitty and dog play volleyball with mouse...wife awakes. begins to roar, not in laughter, but more like a lioness who's really really pissed off. bear runs for cover and joins in Mouse Volleyball. if this is a day off, i need more overtime at work. Happy day of rest y'all...see you at the laundrymat. and i am certain that i would not be convicted by a jury of my true peers. Linda
at 12:18 PM