Wednesday, December 30, 2009
according to an astrologer friend of my brother's, this coming year is to be a very powerful one....can you feel it? have you felt that current running beneath your day-to-day? a resting and then the first wakings of ....Something. this year ends/begins with the second full moon of the month - called a blue moon...and an even more rare occurance - a lunar eclipse. the last one recorded in a blue moon month was in 1880, and that was just a partial eclipse. this year, according to the starwatchers, is to be something amazing. to quote Cat: Eclipse's always uncover or reveal something that has been hidden and what that something is, whether on a personal level or a national level, should become apparent to us soon. This blue moon eclipse will affect every person on earth in some way, however anyone who has strong Cancer or Capricorn in their chart (Sun, Moon, ascendant, house cusp etc) will be affected even more so. now, i'm a capricorn, and here's what she says: Eclipse in Capricorn: New doors of opportunity should open for you. Your hard work and determination over the long months and years should pay off very soon. i'm not one to read my horoscope, and am ambivalent about the whole astrology-as-a-life map, but just how interesting is this? maybe just something to tuck around a cocktail napkin at a small-talk-and-martini gathering, or maybe an affirmation to what you already knew. my interpretation: This Will Be An Amazing Year...this will be the year where leaps are taken, and circumstance collides into opportunity...where the quiet will clear their throats and roar, and the gentle will become gentle with themselves...and the fearful will step out and step up with warrior courage. those already living full, will live beyond even their own expectations. why do i believe this? how can we not? be well, be peaceful, be your best self...live full and healthy...i wish you abundance and hearts to hold you near and from afar...may you always feel special. my love to you...yes, You. Happy new year. Linda
at 9:01 PM
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Monday, December 21, 2009
the night of intervention was a sweetness that was unexpected. the cards were laid on the table, and conditions and expectations unmasked and taken from foggy interpretation and spelled out (literally on paper). in order to go to europe, 4 simple conditions must be met. and those conditions were deemed fair by stepson with the dark purple circles under his eyes, and accepted immediately. he is still very much a boychild screaming quietly to be heard and held and seen and understood. and when those he looks to most rushed past and around him, he took a step this way and that way to gain attention. and then 2 steps, then 4. till finally, he was caught at the edge of the cliff, and pulled back. one condition will include counseling. my entry onto the list. to be started tomorrow. and to continue 2 times a week. or no trip. no excuses. time is too short. it was a good night. and today's harmony melded with the soltice...a spark more brightness. thank you all for your good vibes, prayers, listening ears and yarn. tonight, i will scratch my diva's belly till SHE'S done, and knit. my word for 2010 still feels right: authenticity. no - make that Authenticity. yeah. what's your word? L.
at 8:20 PM
Sunday, December 20, 2009
i thought hard about deleting the last post...i almost hit the delete button a few times, in fact. but left it. it seemed too, hmmm, personal and peepshow, but you know, i've always been right out there with things...good and bad...and i remember one day reading a post on another blog by someone i didn't know, and my eyes bugged out...it was like "You have peeked into my heart." up til then, i had been following blogs that all seemed to be written by people with Perfect Lives. this or that was so fabulous, and their partner was so incredible, and even the dog could speak spanish and change diapers. and i felt like a loser, to an extent. my dog might EAT the diapers, but never change them, and things in my life were good, but never quite as shiny as these electronic lives. and i began to wonder what was wrong with me...why do other people look at spilled milk and come up with a new painting technique that they copyright, lecture on, write books about, and make 1.5 million dollars off of...and i just get pissed because spilled milk meant 1 more thing to clean up. and then i read this blog by a woman who just rambled about her day-to-day and it felt so real and comforting to know i wasn't the only one who had great days, and days you circle on the calendar to avoid next year. so i said to myself that if i ever started a blog, i would pretty much lay it all on the table (while presenting myself in the best light, of course) and only hold things back if they were beyond boring, or if they were gossipy and hateful. i think i've been true to that so far. call me on it if i'm wrong. so the post stays. and while the family meeting goes on tonight, say a prayer for me...or perhaps for everyone else at the table! do y'all remember the show Designing Women? remember how the Dixie Carter character used to go off on a rant and a tear? well, i'm afraid that from time to time, i accidentally channel her, rather than the girl with no mouth, and the results are often quite traumatic for those involved. see, when i run out of my own big words, i make some up. and that makes it hard to follow just what you are getting your ass kicked for. i guess i may count on the confusion, in all honesty. i may just stay upstairs. but leave the baby monitor on & hidden. oh shush - like you wouldn't. so that's the bare facts of it all. stay tuned...more drama at 11. L.
at 5:34 PM
Saturday, December 19, 2009
tonight's tea: Eastern Shores Honey Lemon...warm, soothing, more honey-ish than lemon-y...perfect for the day...the day after the stepson came home with failing grades and chaos surrounding him yet again...a day in which i spent an hour on a cell phone with the exwife of stepson's father, crying together in separate stores while the cacophony of carols and cash registers covered the sounds of frustration and pain and realizing a new chapter in this convoluted extended family is at hand...with a child out of control and bent on destruction - his own and those around him...a day when no one really knew what to do and emotions were as raw as the december temperatures...it is a good tea to have tonight as hopes of continued college and trips to europe have been rescinded and financial losses tallied...and all the bobbing and weaving and lies are thin thinner thinnest...and even so there are still threads of hopefulness that this excuse or explanation may be plausible. as for me, today i lit my Hope's Flame candle fresh from Santa's bag...the one with "intention:" written on the chalkboard surrounding the cedar & sandalwood, and as i pondered my intention for the coming year, i realized it would be "authenticity." yes...that over-used word of 2009...a word i've thrown around a lot, myself...but this time, this time, i am promising my tender self to Live True to my self...or, as Swirly says - my core values. to not be defined by other people's behavior and to disassociate myself, if necessary, with people who do not share those core values. and of course, i mean those closest to me...those who share my name, but perhaps not my journey. it should be an interesting few weeks, as a family pow wow with the halves and ex's and steps all convene for a line-in-the-sand meeting around my diningroom table. i'm looking forward to 2 weeks with 4-day weekends. now...to knit. it makes sense. L.
at 8:28 PM
Friday, December 18, 2009
pour a beautifully fragrant cup of tea...plug your headphones into your computer...light a candle and dim the lights...and go here...close your eyes and ....dream. from jen lee's book Fortunes. stay dreamy and go here....then get this. don't wake up just yet....a few more stops....here here ...here ...an evening well spent. i'll hold you in my dreams.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
it's a dark night, as night tends to be after all...and cold. the moon was trying it's best to wrap itself up in clouds, chasing the sun "brother can you spare a ray?" and it was a night like this, so dark, and so cold - so cold you could hear the squirrels chattering teeth in the tree hollows...so cold the sap was cracking inside the tree limbs and chunks of maple candy was dropping from the sky. that cold. and i had warmed my stomach with linguini and clam sauce. from a can, the clam sauce. and had i taken a moment to check the expiration date on that can, i probably would have a different story to tell. but it was not to be. and i started feeling a little Not Right and figured i better walk the dog Now, before grim creeping death befell me. so i hitched up the leash, put on a Michelin Man layered look, and headed out, telling diva dog this would be her last walk till june, or maybe july, when the weather was better, so she'd better take care of any essential outdoor needs now. anyway, it was cold. and very windy, which in retrospect, should have been an inkling to me about the Dangers that were Lurking. i turned right and headed to the park. listening for coyotes and feeling a little nervous, but figured the clams would kill me slow, and the wild dogs would maul me quicker, so i left it to the fates. i was admiring the brightly reflected christmas lights on the newly fallen snow...Jodie's Texas tree in the window of her house...Stacey's wreath replacing her barn star. and her husband's giant blowup snowman with the spinning thingie in the belly. her husband being the Other Hillbilly on the street. and i didn't recall it being so ...large. and unsteady in the gale-force winds. so large. maybe 8 feet, maybe 12. large. and the wind was whipping like a bastard at this point. and i turned to look down at diva to be sure she was still tethered to her leash and not behind me kite-like and in the air. and at that very moment, her eyes grew very very large. and a silence filled the air beneath the wind. and a strange plastic-y flapping sound grew louder. quickly. and soon, i tell you, i was encased and being violated by a 9-story semi-inflated, untethered snowman with spinning thingies in it's steven king belly. and the thought flashed ever so briefly through my mind that those spinning reindeer were the first victims, and soon i, too, would be trapped, carousel-like inside a 50-foot plastic inflatable snowman forevermore. and as soon as that brief, yet very lucid thought flit through my endorphin-soaked brain, i became aware of a shrieking sound so loud that it covered the sound of the flapping plastic-y sound, and it covered the sound of the wailing gale-force wind. and it was my own sound. never before heard from my mouth, as i had never, believe it or not, ever been violated by an untethered semi-inflated snowman before. as my throat grew raw, diva recovered herself and joined in. i was flat on the ground. she was standing on part of my head, all protective-like. there was a giant, pointy plastic carrot bobbing at her. the clams began to dance the macarena. and i had to pee. but Frosty was undeterred. his tether was wrapped around my boot. hearing the commotion, the hillbilly neighbor came running out. he is, after all, a volunteer fireman. and there he stood in a t-shirt and sweat pants, on this cold night. and he began to laugh. and his stomach, like the proverbial bowl full of jelly, began to shake, all hanging out of his tshirt and over his sweat pants. and when he was able to get himself under control, and just before reaching for my hand to assist me, he grabbed his cell phone - the kind with a camera in it - and took a picture. a picture. of me. and frosty. laying all inflagrante in the street...a street decorated with twinkling lights to celebrate the holy holiday of christmas. and i just know that this picture will Most certainly appear, not on YouTube, but at the Christmas Open House Block Party 4 days hence. i am asking for suggestions on a new location to move to. preferably where inflatable, tethered lawn things are punishable by death. so i hope this serves as a warning....always, i beg you, Always check the expiration date on the clam sauce. mazel tov, y'all. L
at 8:34 PM
Monday, December 14, 2009
oh y'all! i made a fingerless glove! yes, just one. but it's a start. and thanks to JustBeth at Sheep Thrills yarn shop, i believe i will make a 2nd one. this is so freaking cool. the scarf? oh. well, i got a little bored with 15 rows of this and 10 rows of that, so mine looks a bit different then the pattern intended. and knowing my incapacity for all things lengthy (art projects, directions, marriages, etc) i think i'll stick to fingerless gloves and maybe a sock. or a tiny hat. for a preemie. but i have conquered a fingerless glove. and i beam proudly. and 1 hand warmly. well, actually it isn't 100-percent finished...i don't have a yarn needle, so i can't sew up the side yet. but i will. pinky swear. L.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Saturday, December 12, 2009
at what age will you allow yourself to be Your self? i ask myself: who are you? what clothes make me feel "right?" what hairstyle? what home? what activities and interests? deep down, Who? i am a gypsy at heart. think Stevie Nicks-esque clothes...long wild hair...i want to come back as a crow, if we have a choice. live in an old farmhouse, or very large, very modernish log home...gleaming hardwoods and glow everywhere. and a few huge studios that someone else cleans up after me. and you?
at 9:26 AM
Tuesday, December 08, 2009
lately i have had little inclination to head to my studio. and have respected that wish of my spirit. a resting time. it did not come with the usual frustration, merely an acceptance of a time to rest. yet i wondered why...with the earth taking a rest under frozen ground and snow, this usually heralds a productive time - too cold to play outside, so the games begin indoors. and although i'm not sure of the answer, an inkling became clear as i stood outside in the dark this early darkness. see, i make art from my soul...and take the things that catch in the net of my dreams and thoughts and spirit, and form them into a ball in my mind...much like picking up bits of dough from a flour-covered countertop while making cookies...taking the parts left behind after the cookie shape has been placed on the baking sheet and representing those things in an artful way. lately, the things that catch in my spirit are not so much bits, but full aroma sensory gifts...the christmas lights shining through a frosted window...the woodsmoke curling above a log home in the woods...my diva's eyes as they try unsuccessfuly to stay open & watchful...the most beautifully scented candle i have ever smelled...the light shining from (and around) my newly declared sister Baby Betty and her Sid. these things melt and meld in my heart and are Plenty and Enough...I find no need to translate them with my hands...they are Special Moments that feel too precious right now to give form to and share...my spirit is bursting with the gratitude of these things...feeling humbled by the gifts given to my heart. today, we buried my husband's grandmother. she was 98. in front of a packed room, Sid spoke in his native language (Akwasasne/Onondaga) to grandma, and then to us in our language...both times i had a sense of knowing...he spoke of her kindness and openness...of welcoming him to the family instantly and without reserve or questioning...her knack for creating family out of thin air, and with her spirit's force, these new members were folded into the family as if they had been born of her and raised side by side with the rest. I stood next to Sid and Baby Betty later. none of us talking. none of us needing to. and quietly Sid said that our spirits join when there is quiet. and Baby Betty and I each took a step closer to him and hugged. just standing there encompassing. it was a day of back patting and shoulder squeezes and full out hugs....each watching out for another, yet allowing the quiet...a usually boistrous group of Irish Catholics, these core family members, respected the quietness that the day asked for...old hurts and grudges set to the side, as ex-wives and former boyfriends came to honor grandma...so big was her spirit, that even in death, she drew each of us to her and her spirit reigned over the day...people long gone from the family, joined hands and hearts with her sons and grandchildren and great grandchildren and (yes) great great grandchildren. she was called Great Great by most. just Great Great. i like that. she was tickled by it. it was a fitting name. and so it was a full day. i left the church entry, packed my step-daughter into her car wishing her a safe trip back to school, looked up at the sun, and respected the quiet...i turned left instead right at the driveway, heading home and leaving work to get by on it's own. knowing the brashness and frenzy of the office would be an offense to the quiet settled in my spirit this day. such gifts i have been given. and i wish you the Quiet of your Spirit...even in the midst of the neon and noise...may you find a bit or a piece to pull from your net and nest it away in a Special Place in your heart...namaste...peace...and many many hugs. L.
at 6:21 PM
Thursday, December 03, 2009
as the last month of the year goes careening past, i'm sitting on my bathroom floor, laptop - well, on my laptop, thinking about the past year...what's gotten done...what's left undone...what's left to do...in life's daily busy-ness, in the heart and the soul and the spirit...in life. if last year was one of topsy-turvey blissed-outness, this year was more of a quiet dance with reality...my reality. i'd spent the previous year chasing that Blissed Out feeling...trying new things, emerging, pushing more boundaries that i'd discovered hiding under thick vines and overgrowth...believing that the Bliss was where the Reality was found...that the unbridled goosebumpy pure joyful feelings were Center. and while i surely would've loved to lay down in the sweet soft grass of it all and spend the rest of my days covered in warm sunshine and embracing the honeysuckle sweet basil scent of it all, it wasn't where i would find my Reality....my Center. it was a much needed rest on this journey, but soon the chasing became tiresome...and my temper grew short with it all. i grew touchy and grouchy with the whole "take a leap of faith" program and my pendulum swung in the most opposite direction, convinced that struggle and hard work would provide the inner reward that was closer to Real Life. if you've ever had your index fingers stuck in one of those woven Houdini Handcuff magic trick things, you know that struggle will only get you frustrated. and the harder you work at it, the worse off you end up...more stuck. so i gave up and gave in and decided to just relax and let life happen. and it did. and i found that although i have the same desire for Bliss as i always did, i have a suspicion of the belief that i must throw everything to the wind, and the cards will fall in a perfect formation. and i was peaceful with that. i found that drawing my spirit outward brings me exponentially more happiness then looking for my own private chocolate chip cookie in the sky. i found that i am filled to bursting by giving. and that giving, for me, is truly more rewarding than receiving. i still love receiving - don't get me wrong! but when i am given a gift - whether it be a pair of rusty hinges, or a Tiffany necklace - i am overwhelmed by the thoughtfulness of the giver more so than the gift itself. a quick note is as special to me as an expensive whatever. and i realized that in the stopping of the struggle to achieve, i had achieved. my spirit had grown...matured...become my Center. i learned to take better care of myself, and learned to say No when it was the best thing to say. i learned to be straightforward in my requests. i learned how being in a "victim mentality" is a sneaky bit of learning passed down like grandmother's pearls, and best left aside. i learned to go deeper and stronger into the dark corners of the attics and basements that hold all the secrets that keep prisoner Best Self. and i learned from long almost-lost lessons, the incredible joy of helping someone else become their best self. i set a goal of 1000 acts of kindness, and surpassed it and continued on. and learned to watch as others worked to reach their same goal...maybe not realizing they had such a goal, but somewhere an inkling of just how damn good it feels to Be Nice. a girl came into the SWAT office today and sat in the empty chair that doubles as our mail "outbox." we never get "company." she said she just wanted to be somewhere for a few minutes where people were happy. so we gave her a candy bar, made her laugh, and sent her on her way telling her we would put a bad note in her Permanent File if she didn't get back to work. i love that i can do that. i love that i have been put in a place that values (or fears) the magic of just letting people be free to rise to their best performance....but value or fear - they let us let it rip. and we are highly productive and thoroughly amusing in our little clubhouse of an office. (i dubbed it the SWAT team, though i can't tell you what the acronym stands for without proper clearance). (and i change the meaning every so often anyway). my divas eyes can melt my heart, and she's taught me to be tender and to pay attention to details. she's taught me that a loud, ferocious exterior often belies a scared interior, and that reacting with a bellyrub can soothe most situations. Yoga has taught me to stand tall and breathe. inside and out. on the mat and off. my art has taught me that things that may be cast-offs to many can still be coaxed into beauty. and that there is a glue for every surface. as my body failed me in so many ways this year, i've learned to look even deeper beneath the surface and to be patient with people who are slower or different or seemingly unacceptable. i've tried harder and with more intent to be a better Me this year. my word for the year was "despite." and it was a good pick. i haven't figured out my word for the coming year, but i hope it gives me as much as the last...not for my feeding, but so i can move outward even more. i may have mentioned i found a rock this year on a craggy path in the woods of New Hampshire as i trundled my way to a warm table filled with glowing hearts and shiny spirits and belgian waffles. my rock said "expand." and it touched me so very deeply. expand. more of an affirmation of where my year had been heading already, than a call to new action. i had been wondering if i was giving too much - not saving enough for myself. and i realized that it was a flow...like my Lake never running out of waves...when one shusshhed across the shore, another followed, and another. and i pictured myself as a vessel with spirit and love and kindness flowing through like light through a crystal cup...whatever was inside would affect what came through...and i vowed to keep that conduit as clear of junk as i could muster. none of this to bring glory onto myself, but to be able to share small bits and moments of respite and joy to someone who may need it...it was the outward flow that brought the Bliss...and expanding only allowed for more to come in, and more to flow out...a circle, a completion of the purpose. thank you, each of you, for allowing me to expand. L.
at 7:42 PM
Wednesday, December 02, 2009
despite my thoughtful avoidance of chaos and overbooking, it seems like the gods are conspiring to make my scheduling a fulltime tetris-like job of fitting activities into little spaces wherever i can. and i want to go on record to say: I don't like it. i am an underbooker extraordinaire. this weekend i have a dinner in Rochester (90 mins away in good weather), but 2 gallery shows to be at...all on saturday. if we come home saturday night, then i have sunday morning to get to the flea market to look for some "junk" for a sculpture that bubbling up, then an early afternoon knitting class that i'll have to leave early for a yin yoga class. seems wrong to go to the class to practice mindfulness after that weekend, eh? so i have to pare things down somehow. the knitting class may have to go this week. luckily Diva will be at camp grandma's, so she won't get caught in the vortex. kitten is on his/her own...as he/she likes it. hey - visit the Tazo tea site...it's fun & funky. and you can have your tea leaves read! well folks, i have so much to post, but time is slipping - i've already made coffee, fed the cat, fed the dog, let the dog out, let the dog in, pet the dog, posted this, now...time for shower, get dressed, walk the dog, take out the rest of the trash, make breakfast, make lunch, and get the car de-frosted. in an hour. I am Woman. Hear me snore. L.
at 5:43 AM