Thursday, December 03, 2009
as the last month of the year goes careening past, i'm sitting on my bathroom floor, laptop - well, on my laptop, thinking about the past year...what's gotten done...what's left undone...what's left to do...in life's daily busy-ness, in the heart and the soul and the spirit...in life. if last year was one of topsy-turvey blissed-outness, this year was more of a quiet dance with reality...my reality. i'd spent the previous year chasing that Blissed Out feeling...trying new things, emerging, pushing more boundaries that i'd discovered hiding under thick vines and overgrowth...believing that the Bliss was where the Reality was found...that the unbridled goosebumpy pure joyful feelings were Center. and while i surely would've loved to lay down in the sweet soft grass of it all and spend the rest of my days covered in warm sunshine and embracing the honeysuckle sweet basil scent of it all, it wasn't where i would find my Reality....my Center. it was a much needed rest on this journey, but soon the chasing became tiresome...and my temper grew short with it all. i grew touchy and grouchy with the whole "take a leap of faith" program and my pendulum swung in the most opposite direction, convinced that struggle and hard work would provide the inner reward that was closer to Real Life. if you've ever had your index fingers stuck in one of those woven Houdini Handcuff magic trick things, you know that struggle will only get you frustrated. and the harder you work at it, the worse off you end up...more stuck. so i gave up and gave in and decided to just relax and let life happen. and it did. and i found that although i have the same desire for Bliss as i always did, i have a suspicion of the belief that i must throw everything to the wind, and the cards will fall in a perfect formation. and i was peaceful with that. i found that drawing my spirit outward brings me exponentially more happiness then looking for my own private chocolate chip cookie in the sky. i found that i am filled to bursting by giving. and that giving, for me, is truly more rewarding than receiving. i still love receiving - don't get me wrong! but when i am given a gift - whether it be a pair of rusty hinges, or a Tiffany necklace - i am overwhelmed by the thoughtfulness of the giver more so than the gift itself. a quick note is as special to me as an expensive whatever. and i realized that in the stopping of the struggle to achieve, i had achieved. my spirit had grown...matured...become my Center. i learned to take better care of myself, and learned to say No when it was the best thing to say. i learned to be straightforward in my requests. i learned how being in a "victim mentality" is a sneaky bit of learning passed down like grandmother's pearls, and best left aside. i learned to go deeper and stronger into the dark corners of the attics and basements that hold all the secrets that keep prisoner Best Self. and i learned from long almost-lost lessons, the incredible joy of helping someone else become their best self. i set a goal of 1000 acts of kindness, and surpassed it and continued on. and learned to watch as others worked to reach their same goal...maybe not realizing they had such a goal, but somewhere an inkling of just how damn good it feels to Be Nice. a girl came into the SWAT office today and sat in the empty chair that doubles as our mail "outbox." we never get "company." she said she just wanted to be somewhere for a few minutes where people were happy. so we gave her a candy bar, made her laugh, and sent her on her way telling her we would put a bad note in her Permanent File if she didn't get back to work. i love that i can do that. i love that i have been put in a place that values (or fears) the magic of just letting people be free to rise to their best performance....but value or fear - they let us let it rip. and we are highly productive and thoroughly amusing in our little clubhouse of an office. (i dubbed it the SWAT team, though i can't tell you what the acronym stands for without proper clearance). (and i change the meaning every so often anyway). my divas eyes can melt my heart, and she's taught me to be tender and to pay attention to details. she's taught me that a loud, ferocious exterior often belies a scared interior, and that reacting with a bellyrub can soothe most situations. Yoga has taught me to stand tall and breathe. inside and out. on the mat and off. my art has taught me that things that may be cast-offs to many can still be coaxed into beauty. and that there is a glue for every surface. as my body failed me in so many ways this year, i've learned to look even deeper beneath the surface and to be patient with people who are slower or different or seemingly unacceptable. i've tried harder and with more intent to be a better Me this year. my word for the year was "despite." and it was a good pick. i haven't figured out my word for the coming year, but i hope it gives me as much as the last...not for my feeding, but so i can move outward even more. i may have mentioned i found a rock this year on a craggy path in the woods of New Hampshire as i trundled my way to a warm table filled with glowing hearts and shiny spirits and belgian waffles. my rock said "expand." and it touched me so very deeply. expand. more of an affirmation of where my year had been heading already, than a call to new action. i had been wondering if i was giving too much - not saving enough for myself. and i realized that it was a flow...like my Lake never running out of waves...when one shusshhed across the shore, another followed, and another. and i pictured myself as a vessel with spirit and love and kindness flowing through like light through a crystal cup...whatever was inside would affect what came through...and i vowed to keep that conduit as clear of junk as i could muster. none of this to bring glory onto myself, but to be able to share small bits and moments of respite and joy to someone who may need it...it was the outward flow that brought the Bliss...and expanding only allowed for more to come in, and more to flow out...a circle, a completion of the purpose. thank you, each of you, for allowing me to expand. L.
at 7:42 PM