Monday, December 29, 2008
what has 2008 brought you? what do you hope for in 2009? I wish each of you peace peace peace...centered peacefulness in your heart & spirit...unshakable...and ability. thank you all for being a part of me...my life...L
at 8:20 PM
you know, they wouldn't call it "the web" if you didn't start out here, and end up there by way of ...well, everywhere. so, i went to see what's up at sparkletopia and found this, and i'm sitting here wiping the snot and tears from my face. sorry if you were eating dinner. my spirit just reached out and said "YES!" this is what i long for! THIS is the drink of water i crave...i need texture and color and scent and vibrancy...the sound of world music...the smell of sandalwood and vanilla and cedar pine...the feel of courduroy and silk and crumpled paper collages and my CrowWoman's comforting feathered head...YES! my spirit said...demanding a drink for the senses...my work table is adorned with giant gerbera daisies - impossible pink, orange and yellow all crammed together demanding to be seen...daring me to look away...nearby, a cape in progress - made from pieces of Tibetan ceremonial robes - the colors so beautiful you can feel the spirit of the maker in each inch...i sip my tea and the musky, earthy taste mingles with flakes of coconut...morrocan music playing on my IPod...the colors and tastes and scents and sounds blur and blend...i long to experience them in their natural places...the urge to travel is strong now...a trip to my Lake soon to come, to whisper wishes into the waters and watch as they are taken out to sea...the moon glancing down drawing whispers on the winds to bring about Wishes Answered. i cross my fingers, hopeful of an impending possibility.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
***NOTE: i came to my senses and deleted the Molly Ringwald/Breakfast Club lipstick trick photo, except it was a candle. and not Molly. ***** yeah i know - totally immature and just plain eeeeoooowwww! well, would it make it any better if you knew my brother took the picture? ha! we born-again-buddhist-jews know how to throw a birthday party! but it was fun and good. and now i have to wait till next year to do it again. but i've already started planning...next year will be...well, you'll just have to wait & see! this year, i wanted quiet & cake, so just family came by. well, enough...i'll have more pictures soon. NEW TOPIC: i got some spanky cases from my brother for my birthday! they're from some sort of orchestra and have leather straps on them and all manner of cool stuff, including words "TRUMPETS" "saxophones" etc on them. We think they may be sheet music holders, but they are huge! so the sight of these beauties gelled in my mind a semi-gelled thought...this year, i'm going to do a self-portrait of the month project. i wasn't sure what medium i was going to do it in, but now i know : all of them. given the size of the cases, they can easily accomodate all manner of stuff that i may throw at them or stuff into them (unlike my jeans) and can do a fiber art thing one month, and a photograph another, and even a wood/rusty metal thing if i get the tango to. so very cool! Are you inclined? seems like a cool thing to do. and i must say, i've been really Mojave when it comes to art lately - i have had some incredibly serious ideas and wonderings, but have not felt the least inclined to put them to the table, so to speak. i'm not getting panicky or worried...yet. i know eventually i'll settle enough to actualy WORK on something. and poor CrowWoman is still sitting in my soldering chair waiting for her face. Right now feels like a time to close out the books on the old year, and start fresh for the new...art will come, but it's time to take care of old lingering biz and to solidify some new habits and directions. it's all good, as they say. my goodness, i truly have such a wondrous gift of my life...i am truly grateful for the life i have been given. today at my birthday party, my angel-friend made mention of when she was in India. i always thought i'd love to go to India. she was overwhelmed with it...the sights, the sounds, the smells. and the fact that there was so much of all of these things all the time...too much and too constant. i am grateful that i can open my window to fresh air, and have elbow room throughout my day. truly. i am grateful that i can have 2 people, or 5 people or 10 people or more over for an evening, but if i feel like a day or night alone...BAM! it's mine. so these are a few of my gratitude things today. i am grateful that no matter how tasteless the picture is above, you'll still find me charming, somehow. so, i'm off to download more songs into my second-hand IPod! love it! Linda
at 7:45 PM
Saturday, December 27, 2008
look, i know, i know....Lord i try to be a good and kind person...i just took in 2 defenseless cats for God's sake - that has to count for SOMETHING and perhaps that and my usually kind and sunny disposition will counterbalance karma in the feelings i am having AT THIS MOMENT toward my mother-in-law who showed up just showed up unannounced and plopped down on the sofa next to me where i was taking a well-deserved nap and she sat on diva's tail causing a howl growl combo that is usually followed by much gnashing of teeth and flying saliva. and sometimes but not usually stitches. after 20 minutes, my husband her son just got up and went into the kitchen and starting chopping vegetables. apropos of Nothing. that left me and Diva to entertain her. i ran out of conversation. quickly. so i turned on the Survivorman show and came upstairs. she has remained on the couch now for 40 minutes watching TV and yelling to her son in the kitchen. i know i know. and this will surely effect my cosmic birthday present, but Dear God, you Know My Limits...you MADE me with these limits. and i think You of all..er..people (?) should be happy, HAPPY i say, that i knew when to say "when," and designated myself to the time-out corner Before SWAT was needed, because Lord I must say that had i known this was part of the package, i would at this moment be the single girl. well, that and a whole rummage table filled with other thoughts and knowledge. but to the current issue, i am begging the Universe, God, Shiva, Hannuman, rocks, trees and stars, ANYONE who's listening....PLEASE DO NOT HOLD THIS AGAINST ME. in fact, think of it as a moment of strength to have removed myself from temptation. yes. think like that. and while i'm remembering - yes, i realize that we just celebrated the birth of Jesus, but now, 3 days later when things are on sale...it's MY birthday! i am so excited! i LOVE birthday cake! almost as much as wedding cake! oh hell - wait - i think i just had an epiphany. anyway, i'll pick that up later. i just love my birthday. and today i figured out why. as i walked through the woods in the pouring rain with diva, David Newman on the IPod, i did some thinking on it...it just doesn't seem modest or selfless the way i love my birthday, and certainly Buddha's eyes would roll to the back of his head & he'd faint just listening to me, but i figured it out. it is the one day out of all the other days when it is MY day. it's a tiara day...it's a day when i (should) get to be queen. and get presents. i love presents. i do. i will not pretend otherwise. they can be Dollar Store chochkee's or Tiffany diamonds, but there is something flat out magical to me about a wrapped gift with my name on it. that's an issue for another walk, i suppose, but it is what it is. and i thank you for the WWBD bracelet (What Would Buddha Do)...well, for the thought of it. i know you will eventually make it. and perhaps it's better if it does wait for a bit, till i feel more deserving...more cleansed of these thoughts and limitations that have beset my heart, what with my mother in law now popping in a DVD downstairs. so my own mother called to say she may not be able to make it tomorrow because she has church and then has to drive someone to dialysis. correct me if i'm wrong here, but wasn't it HER fault that i'm HERE? i can't help but wonder where i really came from. just yesterday, she was planning a surprise party at my house. with no one else's knowledge. not even husbands, i think. she was just going to show up and be her own self-contained surprise party. i can only imagine her own surprise if her timing was Just Right, Bo Peep. but that's enough of that. so this, THIS is precisely why people become neurotic...why they end up on Oprah airing their dirty laundry. so i'm getting off track here, and giving waaay too much space to issues and items that are not edifying to the spirit at all. (yep, you guessed it - she left). i'm sorry if my dark thoughts caused you to stumble in any way...i'm sorry for not being a better Linda tonight. believe me Dudeloves, it was the best i could do. and that's all you can ask of a person. so good night y'all, and thanks for listening! L.
at 8:40 PM
Friday, December 26, 2008
as the year winds down...weary and ready to put her head down for a well-deserved rest...retailers desperately trying to squeeze out a few more dollars - Christmas sales become New Years sales...compilations and countdowns flood radio airwaves, TV shows...and so comes our own time to sit back for a time of quiet reflection on the past year...what good footprints have we left on 2008? what are some things to change up for 09? yes, the talk is all about Change...Hope...Big Things are expected of our new President already, and his kids haven't even squabbled over who gets which room. but you know, some of the most profound changes i've witnessed are at eye level. Politicians will always be politicians...for the good or the bad. but to reach out to a neighbor or a friend, and meet them where they are, and give a hand up...well, there's nothing like it...profound i tell you, lastingly profound...and unending...so in the coming year, i will try to be more watchful for Need...be it a comforting word, or help with a heating bill (for my warm climate friends: we have to PAY to heat our homes during the months between oh, say, October through May-ish. google it - it's true!) ;) anyway, back to profundity...the past year has shown me so much...she has, for the most part, been a generous teacher...that's been good & bad, with some painful lessons mixed in...i'm happy to say that i've ended the year with a sense of deep gratitude for all i have, all i've HAD but is gone, and all i've been able to give...i have a general feeling of Delight, which i honor and protect, and feed constantly. and i have goals that i've begun and hope to continue and achieve in fullness & finishedness in the coming year - one main goal is 2-in-7 which is to lose 2 lbs per week till i reach my goal...care to join me? it's mostly the activity that has me absolutely excited...power walking, xc skiing, snowshoeing and yoga...maybe pilates if i'm feeling reckless...also on my mind are the friendships of the past year...the people who have come into my life, either for the first time, or Still Steady On, but in a different manner...older friendships changing and taking on the worn-in comfiness of your favorite slippers...hearts, once at arms length, now grafted together with shared experience and recognition of self in each...some friendships losing stride, realizing that sameness sometimes magnifies the not-best parts of each...some just resting for a bit, to be rediscovered after the hustle/bustle has slowed enough to enjoy them fully...and some, long fallow, may need a tentative watering to see what may seed...for me, it's all about the alchemy of friendships...i have, in my life, been very financially comfortable...i have also had times that were on a very slippery financial slope - near the bottom of the slope - and i can tell you, money will come and go, but it is about people...Respecting each other...finding the Good Part in each other...it's like opening a gift. not to sound unkind or unconcerned to those struggling right now...yes yes i agree - money can make it easier to sit around and be contemplative and , oh, say, maybe typety type in a blog, BUT it cannot, as they say, make you happy...inside, that is a job that you must work yourself - and money cannot help there. deep down and for any amount of time...nope. and, again, please forgive me if it sounds like i am insensitive or not understanding. i've been miserable in both financial states, and ecstatic in each, so, i'm just sayin. so anyway once again, my train of thought has jumped the track...thanks for staying with me here. i just wanted to say - all in all, i'm pleased...with it all...i accept the not-so-easy, as part of getting to the better stuff...i accept the good stuff as a gift, and not an entitlement...and i may ask for your shoulder from time to time, but please, please know that you always have mine...anytime. what are your hopes/plans for the coming year? Linda
at 8:16 PM
Thursday, December 25, 2008
go here while reading! (and say thank you Holly Knott that you don't have to copy & paste!) my yoga teacher taught me this: happiness is good, but it comes from the brain...from the understanding. Delight is even better...it comes from the spirit, past any understanding, just that defied-description feeling. i call it a Body Smile...every fiber of every cell is just totally blissed out. So, i wish each of you that....Delight....today, and always. My very special Squambud Spiral Betty sent me a journal she made SHE MADE me...now, i am not a journal type person, so as i admired the thoughtfulness, and the beauty (ok, i was bawling and snarking), i KNEW i just KNEW i had to use it, and that's when it hit me - this will be my Gratitude & Delight journal! every single day, i will record the things that i am grateful for in that day, and also the things that filled me with Delight! Thank you JB! and isn't it funny that you get "filled" with delight? yeah! Please go over to Christine Kane's website/blog....she has an awesome suggestion that rather than a New Year's resolution, you pick a New Years WORD to signify your intent for the year. Mine is "Despite." feels right...as in, "despite blah blah blah, I still blah blah blahed." "despite making millions on my art & life coaching, i still remembered the little people who made it possible," you know, like that. *smile* what a super idea! and i'm going to be doing random acts of art this year in some form. it will start in January, when i usually get my christmas stuff mailed out. i'm hoping to start the new year with a yoga class somewhere...and a new tattoo! funny how i link those 2 things somehow. well enough for now....got kitties and puppies and all manner of 2-and-4-leggeds that need SOMEthing. peace y'all! Linda
at 10:55 AM
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
so can you say sucker? those cats are still at the barn. i can't stand it. sooooo....diva is getting an early christmas present(s) ....KITTY! and NOTHER KITTY! yep. they are on a 4-day trial. they had urinary tract infections and were treated for them. that MAY be why they were spraying. hopefully that is cured. cross your fingers PLEASE! more later! L.
at 7:32 PM
Monday, December 22, 2008
The.....Snow.....Continues. inches and feet of it. and more than that even. luckily i worked at my Big Girl job today, or i'd be out skiing, and saturday's event left my calf muscle a bit freaked out. so because the roads were so bad, i didn't get home till after 7pm and it was too late. say a prayer for my nephew, if you would....very very bad car accident last night - drunk driver hit him head on, will spare you the rest, but it's very bad right now. so i may be spending Christmas in Canada, where he lives. long story there. now wouldn't that just be my luck that they wouldn't let me back into the states without my passport? oy. night y'all! Linda
at 8:33 PM
Sunday, December 21, 2008
i had planned to regale you with stories of my skiing adventure yesterday morning, but some things caught my heart, and i just wanted to tell You that i think you are Most Wonderful. yes...i mean you. this is such a difficult time of the year, in a difficult time of our country. it will pass. i promise. do your best...it truly is enough, you'll see. do what you are able, when you are able. and don't stress when you can't. it's the heart that matters. the heart. go easy on yourself, but please don't wallow...it's easy to get stuck there. you may think i don't know you well enough to say this, but i do. so here's a quote i give you as my gift...my only Christmas gift this year...to you... Life Is Slippery...Here - Take My Hand.
at 8:17 PM
Saturday, December 20, 2008
my life is a roller coaster, but in part, i'm used to that. but inside i've always felt i've been given an Enchanted Life. i am in Huge Gratitude mode. i'm always watchful for something to be grateful for...something to grab up like a found coin from the sidewalk and put in my pocket for later...for when maybe you need to tap the gratitude bank for something to stretch the slim times...the "oh yeah, i remember when blah blah blah this n that..." that gets you through to the body-smile moments. i'm in full body smile times now. i usually have some little scraping of light tucked away in my pocket to pull out and gaze upon, but for now, the sun is beaming over me. Bruce Cockburn says it best in Isn't That What Friends Are For...And i've been scraping little shavings off my ration of light and forming it into a ball....and each time i pack a bit more onto it...and i make a bowl of my hands and scoop it from it's secret cache in the floorboards...and i blow across it to send you a little light in those times you need it....." (or similar) ahhhh yessss. Bruce Cockburn is quite wonderful...Breakfast in New Orleans/Dinner in Timbuktu is my favorite. Thank you Miss Gail for turning me on to him! so ...fish. i still cannot get over the fish. did i mention how i steal things at work? i do. i take things that make me smile...Amy's pen holder has been stolen nightly now. i move it somewhere else in the office. people seem to like it. they feel honored that they have something worthy of larceny, i guess. but everyone KNOWS it's ME that steals it, so it's all good. well, one of the Team Leaders (they'll come up with any title!) has this teeny fishbowl on her desk with fake fish in it that sits on a fake rock. when you switch on the "ON" button, the fish appear to be bobbing and swimming. these fish make me smile. often. one day, when i went to steal the fish, there was a girl in the office training. the TL was nowhere. perfect! well, i guess the trainee was just devastated with the guilt that she perhaps HELPED perpetrate the larceny due to her non-prevention of it, and soon the TL and the trainee stood beside my desk with the trainee pointing at me saying "SHE TOOK YOUR FISH!" so i did what any self-respecting larcenous person would do....i denied it. despite the fact that the fish were in full view on my desk. i denied it. then said "WHO put these FISH on MY desk??" and gave HER the eye as if maybe SHE was setting me up. i know i shouldn't have done that - she may be unstable...she doesn't KNOW me. but i did. luckily the TL knows me. she said something to the effect of "Oy that's just Linda...she does stuff like this. *sigh* we tolerate." so once the trainee realized her mistake, all was well. And now, finally, to my point: last week i came into work, and there was the fishbowl on my desk. PRE-STOLEN for me. with a note that these were the offspring of the other fish. hunh? wha? the Trainee BOUGHT ME FISH OF MY OWN!! i never...! i was choked up - someone went to the store, thought of me, and bought me fish! totally cool! i named them Persephone and Euphoria. (Nemo & Fishy were taken). i am totally high on these fish. they make me smile. even though they weren't ill-gotten gain. so i must go now...hair appointment followed by much weeping & wailing. i never did get to tell you about my xcski adventure this morning! oh well...another one at 3pm, so i'll catch ya up with the full monty later. y'all just freaking rock my world, you know? L.
at 10:32 AM
Friday, December 19, 2008
AND! i met the most amazing woman in Macy's of all places. i was looking for a teapot and she was a clerk in the household dept...i told her i needed an amazing & wonderful teapot for a Morroccan Tea Party. she informed me "no teapots," and asked if we were doing Bhindi, but when she said it...it was delicious! her accent, pure India and all the colors of Gypsy Girl's market photos. her skin, beautiful and luminous...if i touched it, i would feel the warmth of the sun on beautiful summer day. she informed me she was a professional-40-years-doing-Bhindi-everybody-knows-me-i-do-Bhindi-here-once-they-love-it. i would have gladly stripped down right there at the top of the escalator in Macy's and let her henna me...she was Comfort. it was a forcefield around her. have you ever met someone who seemed to float just above the earth? they exude such love, command such presence, demand nothing, add so much. without a word. without an action. just...by...being. so many smiles pushed into the hours of this day. i'm grinning right now. i aspire to be that person...to bring more than i take. to leave a piece of myself behind. to be Comfort. and Smiles. namaste y'all. L.
at 6:46 PM
so that was last year....just a friendly reminder. THIS year i have come fully prepared to stare down the White Menace and become victorious over it...i've learned how to use the electric start component of our snow blower (Big Honkin DPW size snowblower, i might add)...also, i just spent the better part of this blizzardly morning in EMS becoming fully knowledgeable about fabrics that wick and fabrics that won't and various subtleties & innuendos and significants regarding Thinsulate VS Primaloft...oh yes, my dear - there is so a difference. i came away with an expanded head, depleted wallet, and much, much new xc ski wear. AND and a new friend! she was in the ski store when i was there, then in line behind me when i bought Something real cool that's a secret so far...and then when she saw me in the THIRD store, she came up to me and said, "you know, you are awfully calm & downright cheerful for someone who's out in a blizzard." to which i replied ecstatically that there were worse places to be stuck, and besides, everyone ELSE was afraid to go out, so the mall...was...empty! so she invited me for a coffee & it turns out SHE is starting to snowshoe for the 1st time, so we might go together at Highland Forest. although the last time i was there, i needed the county Air1 helicopter to locate me. someone took the little signie things off the trees, so i got really really lost. and i had Kita with me and he started getting dehydrated and overheated, and we were the only ones left in the forest. EXCEPT - a family of 4 Japanese people that suddenly appeared. They were dressed for dinner somewhere - shirt & tie on Mr., low heels on Mrs., and not a maitre d' in sight. i figured i was hallucinating at that point and made the call to 911. of course, i was dating the boss helicopter guy, so it was about as humiliating as it could get, but it beat waiting for the bloodhouds or coyotes to race to me later. yeah, so i may not go with her now that i think about it, because if i made that same call today, they'd leave my bedraggled body for the coyotes, such is love and the loss thereof. *** i may just be done christmas shopping. yep i am. it was easy this year - we agreed that we were buying for Perfect Stepdaughter and Youngblood ONLY. period. that's it. with 2 tuitions and a bleak year about to drag our inspirational budget into the toidy, i think that's fair. i miss my Katie this time of year...she was a Jehovah Witness and did not celebrate Christmas. she was hysterical in her arguments with us about it, if we tried to get her to do Secret Santa. "oh now honey do you really truly think the proper way to celebrate the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ the Savior of all Mankind is to give someone an IPOD?? now ask yourself what would Jesus do??" to which we'd reply something to the effect of "oh yeah - you're right...we forgot to throw in a certificate for itunes," pr some such. and she'd roll her eyes and get the Head Thing going and you knew just KNEW you were in for a Holy Ghost scolding. she was something else. Katie girl, i miss you. and i quote her threats with abandon. so it's a perfect night for a fire in the fireplace and a good book. a glass of wine. if i had any marshmallows, i'd be all over that. but the snowball fight...oy. so be good y'all and send me a hello...i miss you. L.
at 5:46 PM
Thursday, December 18, 2008
i am UBER excited!! i'm going here: http://www.kripalu.org Go see! and check out Jan 16th. oy! (btw -can someone PLEASE let me know how to make something link, so you don't have to cut and pasty???). i am tapdancing in anticipation! this has been a big fat wonderful spiritual dip in The Pool these past few weeks. man o manechewitz. and i'm getting the tattoo to prove it. and AND i've been praying for money. i just cut to the chase with God and asked flat out for money...i mean, He's God...He knows that's what i'm talking about...i don't want abundance, necessarily - i've asked for that, and you can actually receive an abundance of stuff you don't necessarily want. really really don't want. so i'm up front with God. i owe Him that much at least. and i found money...actually RE-found money....remember a while ago when i found a bunch o' money in a secret place? that i'd hidden about year before? well, i guess i spent some of it, but left some in the drawer for later. and forgot. see, another menopausal blessing with this memory thing. and then, the other day, i accidentally opened a birthday card from my mom that specifically said NOT to open it till 12/28 (SORRY okay - you KNOW me...don't expect too much from me VS. a wrapped gift)...so, anyway, i went to hide the contents of this card in the secret place, and WHAM! there was the former leftover cash...i mean, we aren't talking about a lot of cash here, hardly any, but still....the surprise of it is such a warm-fuzzy-somebody-cares kinda feeling. my eventual point is that i now have money for Kripalu! dance dance dance. NEW TOPIC....so did we really have a snowball fight with 10 bags of marshmallows at work today?? who started that?? NEW TOPIC...the peacefulness continues in the house. now THAT abundance i'll take. New Topic: have you bought Ordinary Sparkling Moments Yet?? What about Doom Weaver by Georgia Popoff?? oy y'all. NewTopic: we are expecting a huge winter dump tonight! i am so excited that i may actually get to xc ski tomorrow that i may stay up all night watching. i spoke to a woman today who was as blissed out as i am about it! she said she's got her larder laid in, candles handy, blankets and no-power stuff at hand just in case. she's making cookies to celebrate. i asked her if she knew people talked about people like us & we had a giggle. so anyway ...laundry and some other Secret Stuff is awaiting.....hopefully a more substantive post soon. marshmallows. snicker. whaaaat? L.
at 8:19 PM
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Elton John was right. especially when you have 2 pig-headed people involved ...Me and Youngblood. in my last post, i alluded to "Apologies Planned." that would be mine. see, for whatever reason, there has been friction etween me and Youngblood for over a year, culminating in me leaving My Own House during thanksgiving. i went to the kirtan friday night thinking "such a shame to do this good thing, only to come home to steppers freshly home from college." my stomach began it's macrame upon itself. so at some point in the evening, i knew with certainty that the aggression can't stand, man (quote from the Dude Lebowski), and it was up to me to fix it. because although i am a woman who has been known to hold her own grudge-wise, i am kinder & gentler than in times past. and i am up against a 19-year old who has time on his side. as i meditated on the situation, it became clear that i was to apologize to Youngblood for anything i may have said or done to make him feel unwelcome in this home. Although my primary reasons were absolutely pure and wrung full of compassion, i also realized that it would render the Nasty in him powerless. if he has something i want (an apology) then he has power to withhold it, thus perpetuating the situation. i have a choice of dancing response to nastiness, or cutting off the head of the snake. i grabbed an ax. actually by the night's end, i couldn't wait to apologize. so today, i coached hillbilly husband on how to be Present during brunch, so as to avoid a repeat of the F-bomb brunch of a few weeks ago. "it's about FAMILY not FOOD," i repeated to him over & over. and held him responsible for guiding the conversation to places that were pleasant & acceptable. later, stomachs full, and Diva dancing for a walk, Youngblood was alone in the livingroom in front of the TV. and i spilled my heart to him. i know he recognized the barrier being broken...the step being taken. he was choked up, and tried to pass it off as no big deal between us, but i persisted. this must end today. and i told him i knew it had bothered him enough that he had spoken to his dad about it. i explained that it had been a strange year for me, and that i occasionally got my feet stuck in clay, and need time alone & quiet to heal. i explained the physical tricks my body has been playing on me. he listened for real. we are healed. and can i say, it felt so damn good to apologize? i can't wait to screw up something just so i can apologize again! ok - kidding. now this week, Perfect Stepdaughter is coming to yoga with me, and we'll follow up with girl-bonding tattoos. yup. that is what i said. this is starting to get interesting after all! shalom, y'all! L. (oh- hey - did you stop by Christine Mason Miller's and order your Ordinary Sparkling Moments book? i knew it!)
at 5:17 PM
Saturday, December 13, 2008
**sigh** where to start? i'm kidding myself if i think i won't lose my train of thought, so i'll just...start. and end when i'm done. http://www.davidnewmanmusic.com so copy/paste the link and listen while we chat. now, i consider myself an ordinary person...religiously confused, spiritually certain, and in most ways just your typical 50-ish woman with the same weight/hormone/life struggles as the next person. okay. so when my yoga instructor told us about this kirtan with David Newman, i thought "hunh." then, "do wha??" this is all new to me this yoga stuff, and all it's accompanying ...stuff. so for me to sit 4 hours ANYwhere for ANYthing, well, it better be dang good. the yoga studio is on the top floor of an oddly shaped triangular building...the traffic light was level with the window, and snowflakes were illuminated in the changing red, amber, green. the lights inside, low. candles along the window sill surrounded us on 3 sides. about 30-40 people filled the room. an intimacy, yet separateness. the chanting was call & response...soon, losing ourselves in words not understood by the head, but alive and breathing life to the heart....working changes...tears discovered cheeks splashing on shoulders, into hair...stumbling blocks removed...knots patiently worked free...freedom...spirits flowing....apologies planned...changes felt...chants to the female shiva -hmmm...interesting...why so uncomfortable? a little tempest of a temper tantrum inside. why why? each possible facet held and explored...the chanting continuing...a problem with women? nooo...i am surrounded by the strongest of strong women in my life. and it is a cloak i adore, i guard fiercely. what then? why the strong response to this chant? ahhh...what woman do you have the most problem with? who, despite your "best" attempts, is still a source of frustration to you? ah ha...dear one, look in the mirror. a chill. my 7th grade self peers back, wearing the orange shirt. (lately i have been barraged with orange). there she is, wearing the face i feel on my face daily. so we explore 7th grade together...hand-in-hand, big sister, little sister. my theory that the root of any esteem problems goes back to your 7th grade self is proven again. that feeling of being very cool one minute, yet not fitting in anywhere the next minute. and here she is, wanting to be reassured...wanting to be released. we spend some time together, resolving old hurts - perceived and otherwise, remembering Horrible Moments and realizing they weren't quite so bad in retrospect. then we agreed that the Older Version has indeed outgrown all this fussing, and deserves a better self-image....deserves to go back to the days when the Important things were on the forefront, instead of having to dissect and re-resolve all this ....Stuff...constantly. a sweet peace and joyousness enters the heart where previously there was constraint...smile...tears...but wait...we still have 3 hours left. somehow, many an issue was resolved, in a sweet, quiet way....silently...personally...gently yet precisely & fully. soon it was time to end for the evening....no one wanted to leave, and it seemed that time had gone too quickly. home in bed at 1am. up again early and back to the yoga studio at 11am...a totally different, yet still intense, experience with daylight streaming in, and the world awake outside. so today, i am most grateful for the grace that visited my soul...my heart....again, that i am cared for in ways that defy explanation. try this: slices of orange arranged on a platter like a flower, sprinkled with cinnamon. slices of apple on a beautiful plate, drizzled with honey. so the bamboozled part? never saw it coming...never thought it could happen...to be brought so gently to a place of entire emptiness, then filled so completely with FreshNewStuff...a Jewish/ Born Again Christian/ ordained Universal Light minister chanting in Sanskrit for 8 hours....go figure. namaste, y'all. L.
at 8:36 PM
Friday, December 12, 2008
so this has been a lot more fun than i thought it would be....although my sculpture work looks like it has been run over by a truck...many times...each mark and each element is intentional. and i do tend to get caught up in the details of the details...beads or broken glass in areas that no one will even see, but i know are there, etc. so i wanted to make a quick and easy Thing Of Some Sort, just to play a bit while i was trying to work out a design issue on CrowWoman. being the perfectionista that i am, this became difficult. so a friend of mine sent me a bag of semi-coordinating Things....papers, yarn bits, ephemera-ish type stuff. and 2 small, thick cardboard squares. "make a book from these," she demanded. "and in 1 hour. including glue-drying time," she added before i asked, as she knew i would - just to squeeze out a few more minutes. start now. so i moved CrowWoman to a safe location (my soldering chair) and dumped out the bag o'stuff on my work table. yow! colors everywhere! buttons and tags and stuff and stuff. not the usual Stuff i work with either...no rusty metal. no burnt wood. no broken glass. just papery type stuff. a Challenge. the gauntlet thrown. i figured i would choke, and make nothing, but honestly? it was real liberating....here was a pile o'stuff that i would normally pass by, and an impossible time allowance to use them to make a specific object thingie. so i was off....the task demanded loud Janis Joplin, and as the first screeches emanated from the CD player, i knew what i had to do. and it was fun being under the gun like that - i felt free to screw up...i had the excuse that it wasn't my usual material, and that i only had 1 slim hour. and so i played. and didn't worry if this would make it to a gallery, or if the commission check would clear, or if bits would break in transport. nope. just stuck my fingers in a big pot o' gel medium and had at it. oh - in case you're wondering...my hour is up and i'm done, so i have permission to be here. besides, with all the snow we got last night - oy vey - she can't come check on me. neener neener. L.
at 10:09 AM
Thursday, December 11, 2008
things i'm diggin right now: Choward's Frangrance Chewing Gum ...yes - fragranced. as in lilac scent & taste. very retro. very tasty. speaking of tasty...Eastern Shore Tea Company's Ginger Pear Tea....i can't seem to drink enough of this! the aroma....mmmmm....and the taste is so fine! sometimes you get a flavored tea or coffee, and it's big on aroma, but tastes the same as any old tea. not this one. so i'm back among the semi-living....i slept until 2pm, when Diva began banging on my head. undeterred, she wanted a belly rub and a walk. in that order. then repeat. so i got my sluggish butt upright and dressed myself like some toddler's mom had her way with me...sweats, scarf, short-bus hat, boots, gloves. we went through the woods, over the bridge, through the echo echo tunnel, past the monkey tree, through the beechwoods, past Hi Friend's house. and i began to feel normalized. my hawk has been standing guard over the house again, driving the crows to distraction. last weekend as i freaked out, i looked heavenward and asked "Just WHO is supposed to be watching me???" so i guess it's hawk's turn! and today, a flicker stopped by. Google them - absolutely ravishing. they have the breast and belly of a hawk, with the beige & brown, but the under-tail and under-wing is a yellow-green and they have a red splotch on the back of their neck. i think that's so predators will think they're already dead. Bleeding Heart pidgeons have a red marking on their chest for that reason. so the rehab center has a bald eagle (juvenile) and a tiny tiny bobcat. i so wish i could hold them & pet them and hug them. given my misadventures with the squirrels, though, it's just as well that it isn't allowed. well, time to make up for lost time here. tomorrow night is Kirtan with David Newman! and then his workshop on saturday! very uber-exciting. will report back! L.
at 6:33 PM
sorry - it's been a while since my last post....so much is happening with The New Secret Etsy Store....it should be ready for lift-off any time now....will let you know INSTANTLY! right now i'm off to bed again....i swear if it isn't one thing it's another with this jalopy of a body...i feel all food poisoning-like. so i'll sleep for a while, then work for a while. that's the plan anyway! xox linda
at 11:59 AM
Sunday, December 07, 2008
Go HERE http://fingerlakesart.blogspot.com/ and see my friend Holly's Christmas Tree ornament she was asked to make for the White House tree! yes...THE White House. Go Holly Go Holly Go Holly. check out her etsy too. i should be more famous, the people i know. hunh. :)
at 8:52 PM
so i'm through, and on to the other side, and i know, once again, how it feels to be birthed...through that dark tunnel, squozen, wondering if you'll make it, then AHH a breath of air. thank you all, for making a net of your hands and bearing me up, once again. this dark side, i guess, is as much a part of me as is the other parts (or so i re-realized from Jen Gray's blog...an eye opener, and a forever-grateful moment) and although i don't particularly like that part of me, the realization that it is just a "part" and not the defining sum, well, that certainly makes me relax quite a bit and not panic quite as much. rather than speak in flowery, figure-this-out language, i'll just call it by name: depression. i've wrestled with it forever, it seems. for a while, in my 20's and a bit in my 30's, i was able to banish it. the price was paid in my mid-40's when it came back furious as hell and wanting revenge. of course, working at 911 certainly did little to help that. i finally stopped arguing and gave in, trading my job for my pillow, and a prescription. the brief time i spent taking the prescription was good...and bad. i needed help to get out of the "cycle" or rut of expecting to be depressed. not sad. depressed. i could be laughing & happy-looking, but inside i was absolutely devastatingly empty....and the awareness of that emptyness is what made me depressed even more. so yes, it was good to take a medication to stop that so i could get my footing back. it was bad because of the tremendous weightgain it brought about...a side effect that was known to the doctor, but never mentioned. so as i went from size 4 to a 6 to an 8, then 10, i panicked and felt even worse about myself. i began to get a bit anorexic in my habits, but the weight stayed put. after finding out that my physician knew this could happen, but didn't warn me...the anger piled on. which caused me to sit up & take control of my healthcare a bit better, which meant changing ALL my doctors. so anyway, this is getting long & tedious. i just wanted to say these things: Thank you my great good friends, for not giving up on me time & again, and even when i may have gotten a bit frustrated if the situation were reversed. And: depression is what it is...it doesn't define you in whole...it doesn't make you a better or worse person...you are still who you are, and depression is part of that. if you were miserable to be around before, then you are an absolute bastard to be around while you're depressed, so try to be a better person when you aren't depressed. practice. And: surround yourself with friends that are family. better than family. i am so incredibly blessed by my friends. And: when depression slinks it's way in, keep a small private spot to yourself that KNOWS This Won't Last. because it won't. it can't. the other parts of you will get bored waiting for their turn, and one day, something will overtake the bad part and it will melt like the wet bad witch that it is. so hang on. call that friend-till-the-end. call me. i will care. so that's it on this topic for now. *********** today's day brought windy, blowing snow, which for some reason pleases me. i love watching it...had a blast walking diva in it...don't have any urge to drive in it though...i'm very excited about xc-skiing this year...and my other neighbor is all over the snowshoe idea, so there you have it. distractions to keep my heart from hating the drifts. the cardinals at the feeder are absolutely mesmerizing...their bright scarlet against the brilliant snow is breathtaking. we put corn out for the squirrels and they sit there eating it with their tails curled around them like fur coats. diva went out on the back deck and just stood there like a snow dog staring at this 1 squirrel. no bad intention or stalker in her, and the squirrel must have known...they were about 2 feet apart and the squirrel was just relaxed & chowing. she came in with inches of snow piled on her. of course a quick shake & it was off...and covering the kitchen floor. oy. i'm off to work on CrowWoman. enjoy y'all! L.
at 12:56 PM
Saturday, December 06, 2008
two women, one older than the other, suddenly realize they've both been standing with their hands on a neatly folded pile of flannel pajamas. not seeing them. just staring at them. lost in thought...lost in the cloud. till they both realized one another. I don't feel much like christmas this year, ventured the younger. Me either, replied the older. I may have an un-christmas party. Would you invite me? Most certainly. If i had the energy, i'd plan it. they go on their separate ways.
at 4:40 PM
Friday, December 05, 2008
yep, 'cause that's all i do is sit around all day posting whatever tiny thought crosses my brain. seems like it some days. okay - TOday. did y'all ever have a person come into your life that was just so special, that all other relationships, male or female, were (despite your best intentions) sort of judged by that one? the bar is...HERE....and this relationship is ...here...or maybe every so often, a wistful thought crosses your mind....your current "here" is fine, but the other "here," well, that was once in a lifetime. that was so special...special enough to never be shared or spoken of...to still be held close even though it has long long since gone...since everyone has long long moved on. just every so often a shadow of a wisp of a wonder passes through a thought that crosses your mind....d'ever happen to you like that? kinda spanky, huh? and the friendship that remains....so incredibly special and purified...that is what i am thankful for today. *************************************** Happy Kwanzaakah....? so rumor in the family has it that my grandfather on my father's side was actually a man who helped Grandma 'Lana run the candy store...she has been described as "a lively woman. wink nudge," and he, described only as black. it explains some things, and confuses others, and since no one's talking, i think this year i'll make up my own holiday to celebrate: Kwanzaakah. half kwanzaa, half Hannukah. that ought to set things right. so have i ever told you the story of my first Christmas tree? no?? okay. i tell now...seet bad childrens and i tell. first some history: my father was Jewish. my mother was...not. she converted to Judaism when she married dad, but was always a bit wistful for a christmas tree. nothing doing. she even tried the Hannukah Bush route, but dad was not to be fooled. my dad passed away in october 1977. after, as the days and weeks dragged endlessly by, my brother & i wanted to do something to try to make mom feel a little better. we decided to give her a christmas tree that year. so okay - 2 jewish kids trying to do christmas....we had no idea where to get a tree, or what to do with it after we got it...never really paid attention. that's where the neighbors stepped in....my girlfriends father cut a tree from their farm - unusual in that he really didn't like me at all...felt i was the source of all the trouble his daughter ever got into. i was, but sheesh. the neighbor next door got wind of the plan, and they donated some lights. other neighbors donated ornaments and strung popcorn & cranberries. someone else donated a cinderblock to use as a tree stand at the last minute when we asked So how do these things stand up? so christmas eve comes. we have no clue how to get this tree in the house all sneaky sneaky. mom happened to go into the bathroom that had the lock installed backwards - on the OUTSIDE (don't ask) and we sprang into action...with her safely locked in, we dragged the tree into the house from it's hiding place, strung lights and berries and popcorn. mostly outdoor lights on an indoor tree, but feh - who cared. it was the most ....well...it looked like a couple of jewish kids had decorated it. but i'll tell you, there was no more beautiful tree in all of the world that night. mom's eyes shone like the tinfoil star on top. she recognized and appreciated what had gone into it, and the reason why. as we pointed out who had donated what, she was even more touched and grateful. and that, my friends, is the story of my first christmas tree. i've had some since that were decorated more beautifully, but never a more beautiful tree. L.
at 1:05 PM
you know, sometimes i just shake my head in wonderment. yesterday, for most of the day, i felt like a lazy slug. i was really getting down on myself for being so lazy lazy lazy. the fact that i showed up at work AT ALL was a character-building event. then throughout the day i kept saying to myself, "okay - stay 1 more hour, then you can go home." now THAT'S the kind of employee you want, eh? i was just so incredibly tired. i napped at lunch, and did the barest minimum all day. which made me feel worse about myself. then, the most compassionate thing happened....a woman from another department called and as i struggled to try to complete a sentence, she mentioned that i sounded like she'd woken me up. joking. i said "oh if only you had! i still feel underwater." that led to a whole discussion about CFFS and i got more info from her than from my so-called physician who i am promptly firing. i was heaving sighs of astoundment & relief. so this uber-exhaustion, this not-being-able-to-get-anything-done feeling, this love affair with my pillow, and general malaise ....this is all part of it??? yes. oh thank you. not that i'm thrilled about it, but at least i can stop beating myself up for being "lazy," and work with what i got. meanwhile, as i was finishing up my call with her, another woman i work with was standing at my desk waiting. she asked if i was talking to someone about CFFS...turns out SHE was recently diagnosed. and another woman heard US talking about it and SHE was telling us about her experience as a Worker's Comp examiner and a woman she saw as a client. amazing. i've been very introspective lately - i've felt like it was time to actually get to know the person i've been bullying around for so many years. not a bad-introspection...not a depressed Who Am I kind of thing. just an inventory-taking...a closer look type of thing. this process started 2 years ago, but i sidetracked and ran from it....seeing only a fat woman with wrinkles who thought she was still 20-something. well, that's an exaggeration, but i focused so much on how my Exterior has changed in the past few years, that i only got an inkling of what was held Inside. i'm a fine one to step up and tell YOU to look inside and that YOU are so incredibly beautiful inside or outside, but i'm also the first in line to take whacks at myself, pinata-like, such are my expectations of myself. so i guess KNOWING that life will move a bit slower for me, well, that will help me to be more gentle with myself and be able to regroup and see what is in store. and who is in store. and be able to just chill when my body says to...i don't have a choice, i guess! but i know myself, and i know i'll push it as far as i can. and from what i now know, there will be a push BACK if i try to un-listen too much. this should be an interesting next path. i'll be sure to bring a woobie and plenty of snacks! L.
at 9:24 AM
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
oh now look... http://lovedogportraits.weebly.com/index.html ...if you know diva, the 1st one is just all her.
at 4:11 PM
You know who you are...and i'm asking - no begging...cajoling ...and will certainly become reduced to threats and/or tears...please ask Steve Tyler to send the picture he promised to my neighbor....it's Christmas. WE WANT FEET. give them UP already. **********new topic************* http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJU79dmVgZY (sorry - i have no clue how to link - you have to copy & paste) (and if i were 30 years younger....) okay - the rest of you...run to the store and buy anything by Cat Empire. unless you already have. am i the only zombie i know?? okay - back to sculpture work. wings today. *******new topic****** diva's home and all in snub mode...this will last another hour. then she'll mope for grandma. then i'll be the center of her universe again. ahhh. shoulda gotten fish.
at 12:36 PM
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
if you aren't a girl, just scroll elsewhere....but if you are, and you're in your 40's...late 40's-ish, or hope to be, or know someone who is, or is just too amused by this person who is a wee past late 40's-ish and into early early 50's-ish, then please take heed. i know i may have mentioned this before (but of course the memory serves another master), but it certainly bears repeating. menopause. NOT for wimps. you hear an awful lot about >whew< hot FlAsHeS as they relate to menopause, but no one really really gets into the nitty gritty about the possible side-effects of your body's decision to take you to the Next Life Cycle. and i am not medically trained, nor am i any sort of expert. but it does seem that i have experienced just about every fun-house ride this particular part of life can throw at me. and i am here to warn you - READ UP. it will happen. thank God for my real estate woman...i've known her for close to 30 years and would never think of buying, selling or divorcing without her. and it was she who brought me back from the brink and held my hand, explaining that the extreme emotions i was having were part of a menopausal moment and would pass in a few hours. or days. probably. as i wept and heaved my suitcase out the door saturday after dropping Diva off at grandma's, i called her to get a quick-n-dirty market analysis on my house...how much could i hope to split in the likely eventuality of a water landing of my marriage. faithful friends have seen this for years, as i creep closer to that line. however, back to my point. the emotions i experienced on saturday were so outrageously out of proportion to the events at hand, and certainly misplaced in their target. i'll spare you the tawdy & tired read-through of the litany of sins visited upon my peace of mind. just know i was pissed in a big way. so the point is that the years leading up to the actual Menopause, are called perimenopause. this is because at any given time, you may, or may not, have a period. maybe today for 3 weeks, then not again for 6 months. maybe for 6 months, then not again for 2 days. you never know. although you can pretty much count on being 100 miles from the nearest full service store in, oh, say, the woods of new hampshire, and BAM out of nowhere after 6 months, you get it. just sayin. so all that estrogen has been stored up, and suddenly a tsunami of it floods your system (remember this is not medically concise) floods your system and as you feel what may be your appendix or possibly something sharp caught on a fallopian tube, this just horrible blind rage hits and doesn't stop till BAM - your period. with all the intensity of something that's been waiting 6 months to torment you. then of course, the weeping and the chocolate eating and nothing fits and on & on. i lost the track of my purely-for-your- informational style early on, didn't i? i'm sorry. but there's a lot more to this menopause stuff than i ever dreamed. and it's important to know what may come so you don't confuse it with insanity. some women have no symptoms whatsoever. so they say. some have them all. i just want to get out on the other side and wear a ton of Bluefish clothing and be cheeky. so ask your doctor about this. read a book about it. ask someone you know about it - someone like my real estate agent who won't lie or sugarcoat. i can only tell you my side of it. which i'm happy to do. just ask. so that's my public service for the day. time to chill on some tryptophan and edamame. L