you know, sometimes i just shake my head in wonderment. yesterday, for most of the day, i felt like a lazy slug. i was really getting down on myself for being so lazy lazy lazy. the fact that i showed up at work AT ALL was a character-building event. then throughout the day i kept saying to myself, "okay - stay 1 more hour, then you can go home." now THAT'S the kind of employee you want, eh? i was just so incredibly tired. i napped at lunch, and did the barest minimum all day. which made me feel worse about myself. then, the most compassionate thing happened....a woman from another department called and as i struggled to try to complete a sentence, she mentioned that i sounded like she'd woken me up. joking. i said "oh if only you had! i still feel underwater." that led to a whole discussion about CFFS and i got more info from her than from my so-called physician who i am promptly firing. i was heaving sighs of astoundment & relief. so this uber-exhaustion, this not-being-able-to-get-anything-done feeling, this love affair with my pillow, and general malaise ....this is all part of it??? yes. oh thank you. not that i'm thrilled about it, but at least i can stop beating myself up for being "lazy," and work with what i got. meanwhile, as i was finishing up my call with her, another woman i work with was standing at my desk waiting. she asked if i was talking to someone about CFFS...turns out SHE was recently diagnosed. and another woman heard US talking about it and SHE was telling us about her experience as a Worker's Comp examiner and a woman she saw as a client. amazing. i've been very introspective lately - i've felt like it was time to actually get to know the person i've been bullying around for so many years. not a bad-introspection...not a depressed Who Am I kind of thing. just an inventory-taking...a closer look type of thing. this process started 2 years ago, but i sidetracked and ran from it....seeing only a fat woman with wrinkles who thought she was still 20-something. well, that's an exaggeration, but i focused so much on how my Exterior has changed in the past few years, that i only got an inkling of what was held Inside. i'm a fine one to step up and tell YOU to look inside and that YOU are so incredibly beautiful inside or outside, but i'm also the first in line to take whacks at myself, pinata-like, such are my expectations of myself. so i guess KNOWING that life will move a bit slower for me, well, that will help me to be more gentle with myself and be able to regroup and see what is in store. and who is in store. and be able to just chill when my body says to...i don't have a choice, i guess! but i know myself, and i know i'll push it as far as i can. and from what i now know, there will be a push BACK if i try to un-listen too much. this should be an interesting next path. i'll be sure to bring a woobie and plenty of snacks! L.