christmas in pictures

Christmas was….drama-free and wonderful…romping with friends

playing tag...

a visit from one of santa's own?

napping…

and stretching...

and good neighbors who are great friends creating magic….

it was a week covered in sparkles.

(And a new blog venture…Couch Potato Rising…Move Your Feet Now…to track our neighborhood's newly formed walking team.  It's nicer with more).

2 questions...

1) has anyone seen my other slipper??

2) is anyone else looking forward to this holiday being done??

That's it for now.

It is amazing what can enter your life when you clear space for it.

Daily Henry

Henry not only creeps into your heart, but under your sweatshirt…then falls asleep, snoring softly...

you are a special light

" Those stories about “special lights” are made to trick us into believing that good things happen only if something outside of us does the magic.

I was able to imagine a better destiny. I made it happen, day after day, inside my head. I wrote that imagined world down in diaries, I drew it, I painted it, I modeled it in clay and plasticine, I sang it  out loud in the bathroom, I day dreamed about it.   That imaginary reality became my project, my experiment, my secret love, the only one thing that I could count on because it was all up to me. Everything else failed me but not my imagination.

I became so connected to my fantastic world, so familiar with it, so in love with it that I lost my way back into that other ugly world where I was born. I totally forgot how to get back there. And when I became an adult (and before I was even aware of it) I had moved full-time into that better world, a world that  became real before my eyes. One choice at a time, one day at a time, one idea at a time I found my way into a better reality. One morning I opened my eyes and said:  I MADE IT! I still say that inside my head once in a while when I wake up."

from the blog of  Elsa Mora

some days, most days, i feel like a special light.  some days, not so much.  and there's no rhyme or reason to what the day will look like.  2 identical days, in fact, can feel completely different.  and who knows why?  it's common & easy to look at someone else and say "well, if I had her _______(fill in the blank with your own insecurity), then of course i would succeed,"  or "she has someone to support her financially, so of course she can dibble dabble in ________(fill in the blank with your own wish job)."  but when do we decide Yes or No?  when do we decide that we are going to take a scary (or not so scary) step and walk toward that dream job or dream life or whatever?  and it isn't that you take the step toward it, it's that you decide whether or not you will, then move in that direction without looking back.    I have experience here.  Indecision will choke the life out of you.  and during that withering process, your feet will stay firmly rooted in place.  you will be afraid to move forward or backward, left or right, lest you make the wrong choice.  there is no wrong choice.  there - i just saved you thousands in counseling copays.  There is only the choice you make, then make the choice work.  if you choose to turn left, but keep looking right to see what you may have missed, you'll hit something.  remember Desiderata?  It starts with "Go."

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.

Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann c.1920

I tell you, there is not a single word of this poem that doesn't reach down and grab me.  

Wishing you vision to see your place in the world.

just a quick check in…henry is going craaazy here - too much snow coupled with low temps mean he wants nothing to do with the outdoors.  so he's got all this pent up energy…just when i realize that EEK i have more work than time for some special reliquaries I promised for christmas.  the design has been especially hard - knowing the animals and people involved i want to make every detail even more perfect than usual.
a lump scare yesterday turned into a cyst, and surgical option, rather than all the other nastiness that loomed for an hour or so.
ok. Henry is really crankin up the nudge, so i'll be back later…..

Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dream.

Paulo Coelho

oy

my email is getting a lump of coal from santa this year.  my apologies if you've emailed me and have had no response - the mail did not come through.  some emails are making it to my phone, but not my computer, and some not at all.  so i apologize.  that also means that if you leave a comment, it may not get published, or it may get delayed - blogger sends them to me for approval by email, and then i flip the switch on them.  (having had too many male enhancement ads end up in comments, i just had to do it).
so that's the dealio.

(and Denise! I don't have your email, but wanted to contact you! if you put contact info in comments, i promise not to publish it - when i finally get the notification.  see above).

My PSD has entrusted me with a sacred memento of her beautiful horse - a snippet of his mane, and a small piece of leather from his bridle.  Today I will begin designing a necklace for her with these newly sacred objects.  I am honored for her trust in me, knowing how much these mean to her.

It's funny how an object is overlooked or even a mundane, unseen thing until the moment it becomes sacred…my FBI sweatshirt was always special to me, but I wore it when we took diva dog to her vet appointment, and i couldn't bring myself to wash her fur and scent out of it until last week.  it was time. i have my father's briefcase, and despite it weighing a ton, it will always be with me.  Just objects.  but sacred tethers.

i stopped making necklaces last spring.  well, let me explain.  i now only make talisman or memento  necklaces for specific people with a specific purpose.  i am taking commission work for those - whether it be a necklace, or a shrine box - but stopped making "just regular necklaces."  right now, i'm working on a shrine box to hold the ashes of a woman's beloved kitty.  it seems violating to take pictures of it, but perhaps i'll make one just as a sample and show you here.  i appreciate the trust that total strangers have placed in me - knowing that i consider their objects as sacred as they do.  right now, i have quite a number of pieces to work on, but will be continuing to schedule in others - just not in time for Christmas, most likely.

It feels like a prayer to be able to provide these pieces for people.  Sort of like the memory quilts, but with updated interest.

okay - to the jeweler's bench and time to hammer!

wishing you a sacred day, filled with new eyes to see old objects….

i know exactly what grabbed that tendril of a thought and began pulling the thread of it.  i know exactly what began to unravel before i grabbed the scissors and snipped it.  the next 3 days are jammed with dinner dates with friends of my husband's.  i have nothing to wear that 1) fits, and 2) is appropriate.  It is not likely that wearing sweats or jeans or my bathrobe will be appropriate in the restaurant we are headed to friday night.  with relatives of husband's that i have never met.  and time is too crunched to be able to go find something.  so, that reminded me of my doctor appointment Monday which ended with a pronouncement that a 2nd sleep study should be done with a CPAP.  It is an equal pull between the CPAP study and the nothing-to-wear issue.  So, I could sit in my closet and wail about this, or rearrange everything in an attempt to find time to shop and at least find a new top, and wear the same bottoms (I have 1 pair of black dress pants that fit).  And that realization led me to remember a bin of clothes from last year that hasn't been unpacked for winter yet.  there may just be a sweater in one of them that would work. why am i rambling on about this?  i guess i'm kinda proud of myself for not just laying down and taking what the lies in my mind had to dish out.  hmmmm…what other lies am i believing?

oh PS

Check out Glitter & Grunge zine….yep I'm in there :)

 Mindy Tsonas has done a great job - lots of hard work went into this project of love.  I'm thrilled to be included.

a little love

henry & his gal pal, Sadie dug up one of Diva Dog's left behind toys…

clearly some Learning To Share issues to work out.  Sadie is a Yorkie, but her mom calls her a Porkie.  

Henry got a new coat, which he hates even though I moved the belly strap so it doesn't mess with his bizness.  He says he looks like a dork.  I said welcome to the family, at least your hairdresser doesn't make you look like a boy from the Netherlands.

The year is winding down, and my birthday is fast approaching - two milestones that make you take stock of the year.  So far, I'm about even for plusses and minuses, so it's time to change the rating scale. and that's where my shifting is taking place - using a whole different scale to measure life, and quality of life, by.  I'm still working this out, so I'll spare you the long-winded & pointless trip on my train of thought.  But between this rolling epiphany, and the walking practice with my neighbor, i am in a new space in my head.  and the view is pretty good.  i'm hoping to keep a steady stream of endorphins plugging up my arteries, and didn't even scream MOTHER &^@(!* when i kicked the doorframe and broke my baby toe tonight.  is this like the 80th time on that same toe??  so far, no noticeable difference in the fibro pain, but i am hopeful.  my husband asked how i can exercise with the fibro, and i figured it hurt no matter what, so i may as well lose some pounds.

the snow is dusting in tonight - nothing too disrespectful planned, but it is cold cold cold - it's officially 21-degrees, but the "real feel" is 5-degrees.  so Henry better start loving his new coat.

okay - off to bed.  toe is throbbing.  rotator cuff is throbbing from the Timber incident.  time for pain meds and hot cocoa.

oh, and this too

You just never know, who in the crowd, standing beside you in line or passing you in the street, might be raised in spirit, or even lifted from despair, by the kindness in your glance or the comfort of your smile.

But they may never forget. 

i am just amazed at how these walking endorphins pull me through the day.  it's just amazing.  I'm also amazed at how much i miss making art.  I've been away from the studio for too long.  I have 3 fiber pieces in progress, and a very large piece hogging up my entire table.  it's just been sitting there while i flit around buying/returning/building/re-doing/ and yes - walking.  i'm meeting some amazingly inspiring & positive people in my quest to find the best gear for this.  and i wonder why i picked winter to begin a walking program?? yesterday i went to the new Fleet Feet store nearby and found TrailHead hats with PONYTAIL holes! i know - sounds shallow.  but i never wear hats because i look like a total dork in them.  and they're uncomfortable - what do you do when your hair is just long enough for a ponytail, but not really long? anyway, i met a woman who works there who is as fired up about me reaching my goal as i am.  and my neighbor announced that she wants to join the Couch Potato To 5K group when it starts up in the spring.  so naturally i have to also.  Plus, it's called NoBo, as in No Boundaries, so that's cool enough for me.  i'll have to check with my knees though.  that kind of weight-bearing may not be in the cards. i'm down 3 pounds, and feel better than i have in a while (despite the fly girl fall on sunday).  i have a goal to lose 60 pounds by a specific date, and i will work hard towards that.  finding myself making better food choices too.  but still enjoying those peanut butter chocolate chip cookies my neighbor brought over.  yeah, THAT neighbor.  the walking buddy.  i'll make her walk by the road next time.  speaking of walking - time to take Henry for a jaunt.
wishing you easy transitions and being fully available for smelling the balsam fir.

my gifts

This year, I've had to scale back my surprise KMart layaway payoff thing quite a lot, and that had me feeling pretty bad.  despite a friend donating the sale of an item she made, i am still at just $100.  It has been a little difficult, having been out of the 925 for so long, and i can't ask my husband to pony up, since this is not his thing.  I like gifting unexpected things - i love to make other people's rotten moment (or day) turn around - or at least have 1 shiny thing to point to that went right, or that was beautiful.  it has a ripple effect.  of that i am certain.  but this year my puny $100 isn't going to stretch as far as i want.  and it had me rethinking a lot of things - if they still belong in my life…is it time to change up…etc.  My career goal is to be a philanthropist.  that's what i want to do.  and then i realized that philanthropy involved making a difference in peoples' lives, and not just waiting to win the lottery and having gobs of money to hand out, the more i realized that i can realize my career goal n-o-w.  Yesterday, i became a philanthropist.  true.  but before you email me with requests to pay off your mortgage (which i would gladly do, if i had the means), i realized that my gifts aren't exactly money right now.  they will be someday.  i am 100% certain.  i'm just not sure how yet, and just not today.  years ago, i traveled with a band.  cold fact.  i sang, believe it or not.  in french and english, though my french has left much to be desired.  (i once wanted to be a french teacher, though).  Anyway, the manager's wife traveled with us, and one day she said to me "you have an intrinsic way of seeing the big picture and breaking it down to the small parts.  You have a way of seeing what needs to get done, and doing it."

Those words have stayed with me for 34 years, and Charlotte - if you're out there, know that you changed me.  right there.  right then.  and forever. ever forever.

so now, i will freely give all of my gifts every day…i will smile at every person i make eye contact with - my smile will be my gift.  if a neighbor has surgery or breaks an elbow, i will make sure there is dinner on their table and their dogs are walked.  (the kids are up to someone else *smile*).  And as always, i will let those close to me know that i honor their friendship, and that they have a special gift.
I have other gifts to give out every day, but i won't hog up your time.  it just feels so damn good!

diggin this

walked waaay more today than yesterday.  also took a tumble in the kitchen after slipping in the dog dish while imaging myself a dance goddess.  ironically, this song was playing:

yeah.  like that.  Timber.  and although i thought i was all like the gals at :28, sadly i was mistaken.  but for those moments in my head….i rocked that kitchen.  (side note: i would tumble for Pitbull any day.  Not just today).
my life is all that excitement today - started the morning pulling a tick from Henry's head, and it just gained speed from there…
the other songs playing in my head?



and now for some wine, ibuprophen, and a Henry snuggle.

it is 9:30.  Henry has eaten or chewed:
1) vacuum cleaner attachment
2) a chair leg (as I was sitting on it - thought he had his nylabone)
3) a paper towel tube that the cat scored from the garbage for him
4) a tiny screwdriver set to fix eyeglasses
5) poop from the litter box.

He has only been awake for 30 minutes.
it is now nap time.

(i know this is a pic from yesterday-ish, but i love it)

So far, so good. even though it's been just a few days, my neighbor & I have walked 4+ miles each day.  Our plan is to walk Tuesdays, Thursdays around 4:30 when she gets home, and then Sunday mornings.  I'm going today to talk to a nearby gym to see if I can get a deal on a membership for us that would be for 2 days a week/treadmill only.  That way if the weather was bad (what are the chances??)  we won't miss a beat.  The mall-walking thing is an option too, but with my shopping addiction it may be a difficult thing.  an expensive thing!
I have my work in a show in New Hampshire right now - well 4 pieces anyway.  The show is called Off The Grid, and there are works by 25+ artists.  Everyone's pieces are 6x6!  It looks cool.  go see here .  Susan Schwake  is a calm, quiet soul that plows in and gets it done.  in regular life and in work life.  She is also the creator of the art retreat I went to on the private island last fall, Artstream Art Retreat Camp.  Her story is pretty brave, but you'd never guess.
so far, I am loving every single piece in the show, but really want Hilaree Robinson's "honestly"

Amy Rice's "Dogs In Sweaters"

Anne Nestor Nelson's "Glass Ceiling #4"

but I'd be lying if i didn't say that i really just love them all…these are my favorites of the moment.

I have to get back to the work table…it's been a very busy week, and I've neglected my own artwork.  With the walking goals in place, it helps to form my days - something that's been getting more and more nebulous and organic as the weeks and months go by.  I have an idea for a show noodling around in my head, and some worktime will help capture it.

my guilty pleasure is Flow magazine.  a bit pricey, because it is from the Netherlands, but oh so worth it  The paper they use is luscious! And the articles are amazing.  it's really funny because this month features work by Jen Renninger, who just had a show at the same gallery I'm in now!  One of the little blurbs is about the book, 29 Gifts.  I have the book waiting for me at Barnes & Noble. 

Another is about a Buddhist monk who created a website for Ten Minute Mindfulness. you can try it for 10 days free!  Guided meditations and such.  very cool.  if you like it after 10 days, then you sign up to continue.  

there's a ton more to share, but this little guy 

is no longer napping, and that can only mean mischief.

wishing you a sweet and gentle day.

it starts today

As Henry and i were walking through the woods today, i realized how i've been talking about getting fit and healthy again.  talking about it. not doing anything about it.  just talking.  and the past few days, i've made inquiry at a kickboxing place that I'm familiar with.  and a new 24/7 gym nearby. and as i ate a handful of hershey kisses, thought about eating healthier.
then i realized some amazing truths.
Way back when, around 6 years ago, i set a goal to quit smoking by September.  that left me 9 months to quit.  i was going away to an art retreat and didn't want to be the only smoker.  as i usually was.  and i did it.  i went back and forth with smoking & quitting until last year, when i quit for good.  despite the temptation to start again.  often.
So why not set a goal of losing x-number of pounds by June, when I return to the same art retreat?  And rather than make it a pain in the ass, make it a daily choice.  Every day, wake up and say "it starts today."  so that day's goal will be a proper fitness and nutritional balance.  there are no "cheat" days, because each day is a choice whether or not it will be healthy choices or not.  so no feelings of LOSER or disappointment in myself (goodness knows there are plenty of other folks feeling disappointed in me, so that lane is filled with traffic and needs no more).  good.  i smile.  this will work.  the worst part about starting a new way of doing things is that it seems monumental.  (notice i did not say "quitting" or  "habit").  Like saying, "I'm going to be vegan, starting tomorrow."  and all you see is 30 years of no porterhouse. or removing sugar from your diet and honestly, for me, all i can think of is birthday cake in all it's forms.  every minute.  from that minute forward through eternity.  so if every day is a choice, then it is so do-able.  i can do anything for a day. (mostly).  and like when i quit smoking, i woke up and said "let's see how long I can go without a cigarette, and then i'll smoke."  and 1 day became 2 became 3 till it seemed silly to waste the effort.  and the clean smelling hair.  and the real Chanel #5 I treated myself to (from France - the imported Chanel has a different formula, I found out from a perfumerie).
and there are so many good things to eat that aren't gravy-laden…tacos, spaghetti squash, roasted veggies (oh god! try roasting radishes! they get sweet)…you get the point.  now me and cupcakes will need a talk.  my downfall.  there is nothing i don't like about cupcakes plural.  so they will need to taunt someone else, and i bet i can eat just 1.
so it starts today.  i will respect my body's limitations right now, but i will honor it's former athletic self. we will meet in the middle.  (did you know i used to figure skate with an Olympic Gold medalist? hard to believe now, but soon….)
what would you start if you knew it was just for a day?

today, Henry has eaten:
3 dust bunnies
1 pencil
1 2x2 piece of wood (sample for new bathroom vanity)
1 small poop
1 popsicle
the fuzzy part of a tennis ball
part of a rug
1 chapstick.

just thought you'd be interested in why I work in small bursts…the rest of the time is spent chasing after a 4-legged garbage disposal.

Capricorn Horoscope for week of November 28, 2013

Going into my spiritual mentoring session with the priestess, I had the intention of discovering truths about myself I didn't know before. That meant stirring up revelations about my ignorance as well as my potentials. I wanted assistance in facing my flaws as well as in tapping into my dormant powers. It worked. Her guidance was a potent catalyst. I was able to shed the debilitating nonsense stories I'd been telling myself about who I am. I awakened strengths that had been asleep. What I wish for you, Capricorn -- indeed, what I *predict* for you -- is a comparable experience. To expedite matters, go out in search of a person, adventure, or breakthrough that can help provide you with the kind of prod I received. 

If you can get your eyes on the film, "Searching For Sugar Man," watch it twice.  It is a lesson in not letting self-pity or regret take over your life, and how things have a way…


Was it a huntsman or a player
That made you pay the cost
That now assumes relaxed positions
And prostitutes your loss?
Were you tortured by your own thirst
In those pleasures that you seek
That made you Tom the curious
That makes you James the weak?

And you claim you got something going
Something you call unique
But I've seen your self-pity showing
As the tears rolled down your cheeks

Soon you know I'll leave you
And I'll never look behind
'Cos I was born for the purpose
That crucifies your mind
So con, convince your mirror
As you've always done before
Giving substance to shadows
Giving substance ever more

And you assume you got something to offer
Secrets shiny and new
But how much of you is repetition
That you didn't whisper to him too

nothing worth regret

this morning, i was up early…cajoled an unwilling short-fur pup that he should go out in the snow YES the cold snow…made an incredible pot of coffee with aromas wafting up to my studio right now…and smiled.  i smiled myself to sleep last night, intentionally.  i acknowledged the crisp, clean sheets scented with lavender.  and i thought of funny things as i drifted off - scenes from favorite movies, scenes from slices of my life (the mantis, the llama rodeo) as i lay swaddled in the perfect down quilt, with Henry's head against my neck.  i slept more thoroughly than i have in weeks, months, forever.  i wrote an inspirational speech in my sleep, and delivered it to 150 nervous women in a rustic playhouse in the woods.  strange.  i went shopping with a long lost friend and we bought some horses.  then i woke up early and cajoled Henry outside.
My house is filled with the excitement of a new bathroom vanity, lying gap-toothed, in the middle of my livingroom awaiting some strong arms to carry it upstairs where installation is hoped to go like a charm.  yes.  and "ha."  i poured some of that awesome coffee and came upstairs into the studio.  husband is finally home for a few days and Henry can find care there,  i left the lights off, preferring nature's show through my wall of windows.  but i stopped suddenly.  there, on my new leather couch, lay drawers and marble counter tops and sinks and wooden pieces.  pressing into the leather.  sitting where i do my meditation.  my sacred space.  with no thought to ask "is it okay."  i felt at once childish and also violated.  there is no reason for this stuff to be up here now anyway…it could be resting by its base in the livingroom.  i felt my day shattering, and a good crawl back to bed in order.  then i opened this email:

there's nothing worth regret, Linda.  Absolutely nothing.  Ever.

Same for fear, anger and worry.  Let em go, rise above, get down, move on.

They aren't worthy of you.

and my blood pressure went down a bit and i saw the childish act for what it was.  i moved the heavy stuff to the floor and i moved on to my work table, which by then had the creamiest light swashing over it.  and i declared it a sacred space.  and i declared my heart a sacred space.  and i got to work making art.

for sale soon at Artstream Gallery, NH

sneak peek

from the series I'm working on…Fragments and Integration…this is Fragment2 (not final name), pinned and ready for final sewing…

and since Henry gets more "face time" here, I figured an action shot of bulimia cat was in order….

ok - back to work for me, anyway.  Lots to do…the next piece is huge 9'x6' is the plan.  and thank you, Helen Carter from Secret Lentil, for the woolly goodness!  (i LOVE her site - Protective Gear for Your Internal Revolution)

oh okay - one more Henry picture.  the blue and brown "woobie" is actually our (formerly) new bath rug that he drags around and snuggles with.  never mind that he has many, many woobie blankies.  (the really hideous blue & green area rugs came with the house, and there's just plywood under, so they

 stay. Which makes the room great for a studio.  In this picture, he is under my desk (which is his little den).  God I love this creature.

talk amongst yourselves

a new series, "Fragments," is smokin off my worktable.  3 pieces in progress.  yes - it's the finishing that'll get ya.  But these pieces make me humble.  make me grateful.  here's a small portion of the 3rd one - still pinned and in progress:

of course, i see it here and want to change it up.  but when you look at the whole piece, i think you'll agree it has something to say.  Slowly…fragments becoming integration becoming aha!

PSD coming over for pj's and popcorn. in agreement that next year's calendar will look entirely different - october will be missing the 2nd half on through to the end of november…as she said goodbye to yet another furry loved one that carried her tears in his fur for so so many years…we will refuse to recognize those weeks next year, except in remembrance of who watches her, frisky and newly sacred, from her heart's eye.  And so her fragments are recognized in remembrance in one of these pieces.  will she recognize her stitches? not likely, as they come from my heart and through my hands in secret conversation, in a language not recognized by the ear.  so now to get some heebie jeebies out of Henry's paws so we can watch the movie in relative peacefulness!

let's just face it - there will come a time when i'll keep up with these pages, but that time is not right now.  and rather than spill drivel or waste your time with mindless and endless whining,  know that i am thinking about you, and thinking about this space, fondly.  and in respect for both, will come visit here only when i have something good to say, or at least not the same yuk.  different yuk, maybe.
some good news is that after a thorough - and i mean total - shake up and clean up of my studio, i found not only some missing collages, but…wait for it… my mojo.  yes.  it was there under that plastic tub o'stuff behind the rusty circle thing.  there.  and i am in the process of creating, Alberto Burri style.  which made me weep full dripping tears and snot at the Guggenheim when i saw his work in person.  didn't care.  isn't that what art should do?  move you.  i hope to be able to create a piece someday that will do that to someone.  to make them weep with the intensity of what it stirs within them.  and i will consider my journey unfinished till that happens.  can you imagine?? what it must feel like to have been in the creation phase of something so amazing that it would make a stranger weep in public…make them stand stock still in front of your work and let the tears come…feel their heart stop and their breath shorten…what does it feel like, as an artist, to create such a thing?  does the artist know that this piece is special?  or is it like the encaustic painting i just bought - the artist had thrown it out, and her husband told her to hang it in her studio "just to see what would happen" during open studio night.  i have that painting above my fireplace mantel and see it every day.  and every day, it stops me the same.  but i want to move people with my work.  i think it's the authenticity of the soul pouring into the materials…that's what captivates.  and maybe throwing the piece out was a response to wanting the same thing, and feeling that she was falling short.  i'll have to ask her.  maybe she just didn't like it.  but the pieces i'm working on now- i am in love with…i love the process, the tactile fulfillment of working with soft wool and slippery silk and scratchy burlap & canvas…i love coming into my "new" studio and warming up the tunes and the coffee and some great Nag Champa smoke and stitching till my hands are too sore to move, or Henry absolutely has to go out.  i feel authentic in this series.  and i can't begin to tell you how important that is to me.  i worried that i'd lost my artistic voice…that making production art had stolen away my ability to feel, to express my soul's conversation.  but after a forced time away from art materials, and after spending time helping other artists get their "go" on, i am finally ready to step back into the studio again.  i went to see a screening of Handmade Nation last week with my brother, and it strummed some chords within me…it was the true Namaste…i realized these were my people, my tribe, and that i don't belong in a cubicle and that's okay.  that i belong to this family of Makers, and that's okay.  and it was a homecoming for my heart in a lot of similar to reconnecting with my cousins after all those years.  a tumbler turned in a lock and thunk something fell into place.  i was home.  in both instances.  i could look at these people and say "i am one of them."  and i have to say, weirdly, that the face in my mirror has been easier to look at, now that i know who she is…that trying to fit into the wrong shaped box has been painful all these years, and i'm not alone…there is a tribe of people that i am related to - by blood or by soul…a place i belong where i'm not the strange one…where i'm not doing anything so out-of-the-ordinary.  it feels good to be average.  in this case.  so now i head back to the work table for an hour or so, then to cuddle my patient puppy and listen to the wind and rain howl outside.

so strange today, as Henry & I headed out…the sun was shining as the snowflakes were falling.  sort of a harbinger.  Henry is already shivering when he runs out back to go potty - i can't imagine what the blizzards of winter will do to him!  He has 3 fashion coats already, but 2 of them need alterations to allow for his "business." He has mended my Absolutely Broken heart in ways I didn't think possible.  And in ways that have nothing to do with pet ownership or loss.  He can't possibly snuggle any closer at night, and that's a bonus…no need for blankets and hot flashes with a mini space heater sleeping next to me!
I've been in such a creative lull lately - so so many ideas, but no energy or interest in starting/finishing projects.  I think a good studio cleaning is in order to spark some passion.  I am also finding that a number of projects I started a while ago (some have been sitting idle for years) need to be hidden away so they don't mock me when I walk into the studio.  By having a fresh start, then new ideas will have room to come forth.  I am finding that my interests are moving toward promoting other people's work right now.  and an idea for a pop-up gallery is simmering.  just do it, says the head.  and so i will.  now to find Henry - he ate a large portion of (my side of) the bed last week and may be finishing it up now.

Meanwhile…this awesome T-shirt from Cayetano Valenzuela….

gorgeous & spirit-filled henna from Suzanne Masters...

an incredible encaustic collage by Elizabeth Riker (who originally threw this out!) It's huge and sits above my mantle now...

missing these peeps so very much….

locked out

and knocked overrrrr.

 it has been a while since i posted, but blogger (a/k/a Google) locked me out and refused to let me in.  after resetting my password 9 times, it then somehow made my email go wonky, so it has been a blood pressure raiser for sure.

so, while i have you here…yesterday I met the most incredible little man.  he is not a boy, because at 6 years old, he is an old soul.  he stays up till 2am drawing fashion.  dresses, outfits, accessories.  6 years old.  he is a rough & tumble KidMan who has Sight.  yesterday, Jan from the building took him to Syracuse University's fashion department where she teaches.  Yesterday, his little head almost exploded.  He told his mother "this is the best day of my life."  everyone spent the day choked up.  i came late to the party, meeting him as he was heading home.  his mother could barely talk.  not sure how they drove home.

I want that clarity.  that vision.  that focus.  i want to know with that same absolute certainty - who i am…where i belong…what is my purpose here…because i know it isn't to languish about in my purple bathrobe and walk Henry from time-to-time.

It was a gift to meet Ford Brown.  He is an inspiration, and you should remember his name, because he will be on everyone's lips very very soon.

Jan took him under her wing and will be teaching him to sew and shibori techniques and anything she is able.  Jan is an inspiration, as well.

i am wasting my time, and it is making me grouchy.

so it occurs to me that i never filled you in on the amazing few days in Ithaca at the artist colony. yes.  i left last friday (early a.m.) and arrived just after lunch.  not a long drive, unless you are using an outdated Garmin.  the minute the door closed on my live/work space, i unloaded my fabrics and doodads and threads.  made a cup of coffee. opened the windows.  took a few moments to soak in the absolute beauty of the mountains and rolling hills just outside the window.  then got busy.  i designed and re-designed and pinned and hung the piece up for a perspective.  redesigned.  then started hand sewing.  the entire piece is handsewn.  it is an amazingly zen experience, despite the difficulty on my hands.  it will be a few weeks before it's done - i have a holiday shop to get ready for - but i am just diggin this piece.  i went to bed late, that first night, slept well, then got up before dawn and started sewing again.  by the evening, i needed distraction from the absolute silence, so grabbed my ipad & cued up netflix.  i learned a lot about myself those few days - one, i need solitude.  two, i can't deal with too much solitude!  three, i am a calm and decent person who needs more absolute solitude than i have. i think a shared studio away from my home is the answer…more on that but Henry is begging to go out.

hello, and yes yes, i know.  i hope to be able to share with you soon, but to put it in print is just too much right now.  my life is moving forward and backward like a carnival ride, but mostly standing still.   it is the season, for me, to lay fallow those things which no longer serve me well…where a shaking takes place and winds blow the extraneous leaves from my branches.  not always an altogether pleasant experience, i can tell you - with feet unsteady and the wind knocked from your gut.  but also, a clearing and better visibility to the sky.  so all-in-all an expected autumntime occurance with me.  seeds will be planted, and begin to gain strength over the winter, in order to break through the moist spring ground.  how about you?  when is your most intense time of year?

all the leaves are brown...

no! no! they are still electric with their golds and reds! this morning as i headed to the barn, the sun shone at just The Right Spot on the branches and boughs...i was driving down a rural 2-laner, and the trees crowded in on each side like a hug. it was so amazing that i had to phone my Rock Fairy friend to tell her.  best yet, a moody, large greyish white cloud parked itself across the treetops and if i squinted just right, it looked like one of those NH mountains i miss so much.
The vet was late to the barn, and an extensive (but relieved) visit set me back 4 hours in my day plan: a mitzvah? an honor? a gratitude?
I am one of a few people on the street who stay home all day with no children tugging at my shirttails...no responsibilities, other than what i wish to make.  This morning at 6am, i rented a whizz-bang backpack style leaf blower - professional strength windmaker - and my plan was to blow off the lawns of as many neighbors as i could do physically, or time-wise.  yes, we live in the woods, but still leaf-blow the fronts.  i started with the neighbor who just had surgery, then to the neighbor with 2 jobs and 3 kids, and moved on from there.  i finished all but one by dinnertime, and just as i stepped out of Home Depot with the return slip: the rain started.  Yes, i looked like a dork.  like an undocumented worker going door-to-door.  much like i do when i snowblow people's driveways.  but it feels oh-so-good to see them smile when they pull in the driveway.  i consider it an honor to be able to do this.  an honest to God honor.
and tomorrow, if i'm able to load my car, i head here for 3 days of cloistered creativity.  i cannot wait.  am dreaming of the work i want to create.  send me good thoughts and prayers for an intensive and complete work session.  be back with the news on monday!

am in total love elbow deep with Elizabeth Andrews work....

2 today

may you unfold willingly,
may you be truly nourished...
may peace be in your every step,
may gratitude fill you,
may you reach others
with your radiant heart.

(author unremembered)

I've always liked the time before dawn because there's no one around to remind me who I'm supposed to be, so it's easier to remember who I am.
storypeople

denise f - i lost your email...can you contact me?

oh ok - so this is how it will be, then?  posting willy nilly whenever you feel like it, with no regard for those who check in every day??
or so the email went, more or less.
i begin, then, with apologies.  And continue on.
it seems life has become insistent and badgering like a small child wanting candy in a grocery store.  And I've been indulgent to it's directions, for once, which has thrown me into a whirlwind of activity.  Please note i did not use a descriptive word that would imply "chaos."  It is not chaotic here, rather moving quickly and directly, with all manner of loose ends flapping about, to be tucked in or cut off.
(side note - right now Henry is staring up at bulimia cat with adoring eyes, as kitty bops him on the head with a no-claw paw).
ok back.
And that's all i can share for now, except to say it will be a while before the mountains see me as a caretaker.
I have been furiously updating the Very Brady bathrooms in this house.  Don't know why, but i suddenly had had quite enough of sunshine yellow countertops juxtaposed against harvest gold tubs surrounds.  in 20 days, my new vanity/marble top counter arrives for the upstairs loo.  Downstairs will have to be happy with a slash of new paint for now.  the shower holds the kitty potty, so that tells you how much it gets used.
The most remarkable thing was an hour long conversation with my Favorite Cousin.  It was a homecoming.  I never really told you how deeply emotional my uncle's funeral was on another level.  for the first time in a very long time, i felt centered and grounded - i was around my cousins and felt like i had come home, even though there had been many years of distance.  it was like a smack in the face: THIS is who I am.  this is who i AM.  these were the people i belonged to.
In the midst of all the loose flapping ends, is one in particular...that of religion and beliefs and worship.  and i have decided to reclaim my heritage from birth...my heritage as a Jew.  I say "reclaim," because in all my personal stew of beliefs, there was never an appropriate place to go to worship...but when i was in the temple during my uncle's funeral service, it felt, well, it felt like i belonged there.  and i think i'd like to try a few Shabbat services with my friend Amy who offered.
My life has been feeling like Tetris.  Remember Tetris?  the video game?  where different sized shapes fall, and you have to maneuver them to fit in the best possible way.  that describes it exactly.  And in this, I am trying to discover what i want, so that i can focus on it and draw it to me through intention - in case that works.  I'm not completely sold on the whole idea of intention setting, but it seems like a good way to name, and follow through to, a goal.  Meanwhile, i am also on a mission to purge - stuff from the house, stuff from my life...anything that doesn't serve a purpose in the immediate.  mothbally old things that i've held onto "just in case."  in case what??
These past weeks have contained some of the most remarkably hopeful days, and some of the most lowdown-dark & delirious-without hope days.  the usual. BUT with this difference:  it is two steps forward, and a half back.  then two more forward.
so that's what i've been up to.  plus a little bit more, but that's for another post.
again - my apologies for not posting...i didn't know you cared, and there's been too much happening all at once and no way to distill it all.
soon.
soon.
soon.
it will be good!

i am a yogi

Beauty  (click on it)


I think this may be my favorite...warrior pose gets me every time...

oh shoot

now after taking a break from this place, and from my own head, i realized that there are so many wonderful things to share.  so i will.
beginning with this StoryPeople quote....

No hurt survives for long without our help, she said & then she kissed me & sent me out to play again for the rest of my life.

so true.  now go play.  and it's good to be back, friend.

churning butter

whew!  I have been Amish since last thursday, when a power outage (then resulting in-age) blew out our fiber optic connection to the world : no internet, no tv, no landline telephone, no ipad.  i was able to get my emails on my phone, but honestly, trying to tap out a blog post on those teensy keys was not meant to be.
which is just as well, because i've been on a bitch bender for too long now, and your ears would likely start bleeding with the rasher of crap i drag out for public view.
this being said (and you know it's true), I have decided (again) to step away from this blog.  it seems to resolve nothing, and does so little to promote smiles and good feelings and wellness of the soul - things that (believe it or not) are of huge importance to me.  so this is it - may be for a while, maybe forever.  i am toying with the idea of starting up an interactive art blog, but wonder how many people care anymore...i know my statcounter is still ticking away pretty good, but there doesn't seem to be anything interesting left to say.
so you will find me, from time to time, over at my other (neglected) blog, Twinkledust and Moonbeams.  I'm working on a book project, and will soon be revealing how you can be in it!
Thank you for checking in here these many, many years...it has meant so much to me...whether you posted, lurked, or emailed me privately, my secret statcounter let me know you were there.

insert *BIG HUG* here, turn and walk slowly away.......

whew.  okay.  i'm somewhat landed, although this day is filled with dentist and vet appointments, so this may be brief, but maybe not.
first - i went to this retreat 2 weeks ago.  I will say right out of the gate that it is not for everyone - there are outdoor showers and composting toilets (outhouses, basically).  some cabins do have indoor composting toilets.  some.  It was fine, but not for someone looking for a 4-star resort.  but really, not so bad.  loved taking an outdoor shower.  loved it - the birds, the lake shusshh-ing...a fantastic way to wake up. along with Chloe's peanut butter & jelly muffins.  damn. I was happy to gather with a group of art women.  there were about 15, so a much smaller group than i'm used to gathering with.  this was good, in that you got to know everyone pretty well, and the island was big enough that you weren't jammed in next to someone you didn't jive with.  I'll say, my big disappointment was that i signed up specifically because Jess Greene was teaching some encaustic classes that i really wanted to take.  i've followed Jess, and admire her style, plus met her years ago at Squam.  i didn't see her wednesday night, and when i asked, was told "it wasn't going to work out for her."  so yes, i got pissed, thinking Jess had cancelled because she wasn't going to make big bucks.  that wasn't the case, as i found out a few days after the retreat.  she had been cancelled by the event planner about a month before the retreat, but the people who signed up for the classes were not notified.  i get it - there was a risk that people would cancel, and this year in particular every registration counted.  the thing is - i squeezed out the cash to go.  i would have cancelled, yes.  there are about 1000 other very important places for me to put that cash, and i went specifically because of Jess.  now, that being said - did i meet people i enjoyed?  yes.  did i experience rustic living and live?  yes.  i guess the time was overshadowed by the 2 missteps.  one, being the change in encaustic instructors (yes - the classes went on, but after the director fell violently ill the 1st night, the other instructors divvied up the classes and my encaustic class was taught by her  daughter) and also because of this - my embroidery class was taught by a children's book author, rather than the internationally known artist who uses thread in her installations.  stuff happens, and it was not the end of life, if you look from a broader view.  it was however, enough of a disappointment to me to leave a bad taste in my mouth.  i wasn't expecting a carnival and over-the-top experience...i was not looking for deep truths to be revealed within my soul.  i was simply looking for 2 workshops taught by 2 specific instructors, and that was not what happened.  let me stress that everyone was amazing and accommodating and friendly and awesome to hang out with!  I completely enjoyed everyone's company.  but had i known then what i know now, i might have made different choices.  lesson learned.

right now i am working with Lion and Golden Eagle.

wishing you a day of dignity and heads held high, and knowing when to hold 'em...when to fold 'em....

yes! I'm home and brown as a biscuit.  this continues to be a fuller than full weekend, but i will be here with a full report on the art retreat and the sailboat and Henry on Monday.  but for now - i need sleep in the most feral way.

anyone still out there?

whee...wow...i just looked up and noticed that in between potty training (Henry) and walks (Henry) and snuggles (Henry) and keeping bulimia cat happy and keeping myself sane and healthy....a whole lotta time has past since i last posted.  my apologies.  i love coming here to share the doodads and tendrils of my rickety zen circus of a life.  Right now, i am 1 suitcase away from leaving for a private island, followed by 4 days at my Rock Fairy's house.  so i'll see you on the flip side after the 22nd, with tales of plunder and art to share.  hopefully Henry doesn't forget me.  and hopefully, neither will you!
wishes you islands of time for private dreams and lazy moments floating in day dreams....

and then this came today...

(oy - again with the big blob to the right) Dear Pure Girl, Growth, healing, change. They all come with a rollercoaster of emotions.  Sometimes we feel like we are up to the challenge, sometimes we forget  there's even a challenge. Then, the next minute, we can be bursting into tears with overwhelm, feeling like there's NO WAY we can meet the  challenge. None of the emotions are wrong.They are all part of the journey.  All of the emotions are temporary, though sometimes we feel like we are in a funk that might last forever. Don't be afraid of what you are  feeling. Let yourself feel it. Hear out your feelings. Listen to what  they have to say, what they have to teach. Often emotions will linger  until we really listen to them instead of trying to stuff them down to  a hidden place. Difficult feelings will pass. Good feelings will come back. Joy will  come back, confidence will come back, dreams will come back, laughter  will come back. Don't be afraid when you are feeling down that you will  never feel right again. Sometimes feeling down is just where you need  to be to hear what your soul is trying to tell you. Just listen, dear girl. Listen closely and be patient.You will feel  right again. You are strong, amazing and competent.  You have come such a long way, and you can keep going. Brave Girls www.bravegirls.com

and happy for it all

if you've been trying to keep up with the roller coaster of my summer, you deserve a steamy cup of spice chai tea and a sweet roll.  this will go down as "the summer of upheaval" for me...and yesterday as i poked around my studio for 3 minutes, i found a phrase i had cut out of somewhere that said "the only constant is change."  boy, isn't that the truth.  but the past 2 or 3 days, a few moments of centeredness have tippee toed in, reminding me to breathe, relax and be calm...to reclaim that Selfness that is uniquely mine...to put all the junk to the curb and concentrate on sending out the good stuff.  and those few moments were all i needed.  i have been (too) busy with workshops, dog issues, workshops, job hunts - busy stuff.  not taking time to just stop and meditate on what my heart is saying.  and once i realized that, some pretty interesting conclusions plunked down in my heart, and some pretty gentle love came to me in dreams.  i'll share one quick one with you - last night for the first time since we got Henry, bulimia cat came to snuggle on the bed.  it was 3am, and he just rammed his head into my forehead wanting to be pet. (this was in reality, not the dream yet)  we spent a few minutes "discussing" how the puppy could be a good thing for him and that it won't be changing, so just know that there was most certainly enough love for both.  then he went back to watching the slider for a bat.  i went back to sleep, and as i drifted, realized that yes - i had made a commitment in my heart to Henry.  That he would outgrow his puppy energy and all would be well.  and then i dreamed that i was standing at the end of a long, dark-ish hallway.  i couldn't see the other end, but wasn't afraid.  there was a masking tape line across the floor, and i stood a few yards back from it.  suddenly from the darkness, my diva dog walked up to the tap line and indicated that she couldn't come any further, but Henry came from behind her and crossed the line and came to me.  it was as if she was sending Henry to me as a gift.  and it was all so sweet and not sad.  Although as I write this, the tears are flowing.  of course.  and this morning as Henry smashed his warm little body even closer to me, i realized that he had kept me so busy that my grief for diva had abated...that i could talk about her and compare her antics to his without needing to go scream in a towel in the upstairs bathroom.  or feel guilty for enjoying him.  (although "enjoy" is a relative term, and determined by the time of day).  and i think it may be time to wash that last sweatshirt that has her smell in it.  it will be okay.
so many things being resolved this week, and i am happy for all the chaos and ups-and-downs because it has brought about this clearing.
wishing you clear spaces to spread your arms and twirl...

how can you manifest something if you don't know what you want?  simple truth.  cold fact.  receiving this in my inbox today....

from TUT (Mike Dooley)

well hello!  i am popping back in here with some glitter and cupcakes, to dispel the dark & dreary that's been spread about these pages lately.  So sorry.  it has been dark & dreary, but you know, it only takes a complete change of attitude to change your attitude.  i have a laundry list of things that have been weighing me down.  and that little effervescent puppy is near the top of the list.  i haven't been able to get to this computer, or my studio, in 2 weeks because he has needed 24/7 puppy attention.  but today i realized - he just wants to be part of the family.  he just wants that companionship.  so, i enclosed an area in my studio (after removing Any Possible thing that could be chewed, eaten, peed on, destroyed, ruined, etc).  i put his little bed down, and his Froggie (which is literally a frog green towel that he drags around with him and chews on till he falls asleep.  I mean the towel is regulation bath size.  he is a chihuahua size).  He has remained perfectly perfect, napping on Froggie for 2.5 hours now, and I have gotten caught up on my computer stuff.  I may actually shower today!  I have some very special pieces to finish in the studio - commissioned work that is dear to my heart.  After spending the past few days in Job Search workshops,  Skills Updating workshops, and event planning gone sideways,  i am so very ready for some time in the studio that has a direction to follow.  I am glad for the opportunities to recognize how blessed i am.  these have been not-smooth-as-fondant opportunities.  a woman i worked with years ago was a fundamental bible believer, and she always said Never Pray For God's Grace.  her reasoning was that God would put you in an awkward/awful situation, whereby you would need to call upon Him for grace.  I'm not sure how i feel about that, but i do see a similarity between her theory, and the past few weeks of my life.  so - blessed i am, and let's just call a cab & leave it at that.
wishing you unexpected blessings with no strings attached.....

to be perfectly honest, i'm beginning to wonder.  no - that's a lie.  to be perfectly honest, i know with 90% certainty that this puppy thing was not the best decision.  he is wonderful, learns fast, cuddles waaay in on you and is seriously wonderful. those eyes! it's just the time involved.  and i had become selfish with my time, enjoying hours in the studio being productive.  but it has been a full week since i set foot in my studio.  being too exhausted from walking handsome Henry and trying to run his energy down and feeding and walking and making sure he doesn't pee on anything.  i don't remember how long it took before diva calmed down (12 years, i think).  and kita was about 10 years.  i have a doctor appt tomorrow at 8am.  this means adding 30 minutes onto my "get ready" time (again).  and although i am totally smitten by this little creature, i am also resentful that i am bound to an earthly thing with a demanding schedule once again.  maybe i'm just tired.  maybe it will be good for me to get on a regular schedule.  maybe.  but.

ah the joys of a puppy

Henry is learning quick, thankfully.  i am exhausted, as he needs to go out constantly and i am still in no-sleep mode.  i am weepy, depressed, maudlin and pathetic.  so on that note, i bid you good day.

when i get a really really nice email, i save it in a folder called "nice things" and look through it when i feel like a boost.  here's a cool thing i got from Melody Ross at Brave Girls Camp:

You were not meant to fit in.  You were born to stand out.  Embrace that part of yourself.

it makes me smile to read that.  it goes on to say that we should never ever ever let anyone convince us that we should change, or basically that we need improvement, etc.

and that makes me smile.  I can convince myself to improve, but no one else can tell me what to change.  so so true.  only i can intuit the path i need to journey.  only i know what is best for me.  Me.  and it isn't necessarily a battle, but more of a conviction and standing firm.  A few months ago, for example,  a series of non-related events were thrown in my path like police stop sticks in front of a speeding felons car.  and it was then that i learned that, yes, it is a gentle thing to be the first to reach out and work things out with a misunderstanding.  but...there are times when it really needs to be the other person who makes the big effort.  That i am worthy of an apology.  and i had made the approach, but will not beg and wheedle and cajole.  i will be an adult and ask if they want to discuss, then move on.  in one case, it was a sad reckoning.  in two others, it became clear that i had been the guy with the mop at the end of the parade, and now - not so much.  those times are past.  and these lessons have been good now that we have Henry in our home:

it has always been my responsibility to care for the pets, whether i wanted to get up at the crack of dawn or not.  but there was discussion and promises to make this an equal share from day 1.  and guess what?  i will stick to those words, even if it means pee pee on the floor.  i will not spend my day following a puppy around - no matter how damn cute - to make sure there are no accidents, when there is another adult human who can.  and it will take a few weeks to train them both, but it can be done!

meanwhile, i need a hug, so i am wishing you a day as carefree as a puppy's, and enough love to smother you!