dear diary

October 7th was the anniversary of my father's passing. It is a day that send me reminders, even if i'm caught up in the daily drama. my brother called me as i was about to sink into sleep, and we talked for a lot of hours. and that cracked open a door that has been bolted and rusted shut for a long time...we talked of hurts and pain and perceptions of that day years back...how one person's absence can affect so many...and how things have traveled in the years since. and of course, that got my mind do-si-do-ing from point A to B to C and on through the alphabet. And i wrote a letter to my diary - my heartSelf. remember diaries? maybe you're too young or electronic. but back in the day, girls had diaries. they usually had a lock on them, which was easily opened (as i discovered) and they were the precursor to today's journals...they were a place to write your secret thoughts and fears and mad crushes and any other thing that you'd never even tell your BFF. for the record, we did not have BFF's then, only best friends...hardly any acronyms at all. people had time to say the actual words, because there were no computers to cruise internets on, and no internets to cruise...no cell phones, no voice mail. totally unliveable by today's standards! but back to the point, i wrote what would have been my Dear Diary entry if i didn't have all the electronics to enhance life's experience, and made peace with a part of my heart that has not seen daylight in quite some time. i've always been honest and forthright in my posts, and don't feel like holding back is in any way a part of my makeup...i am a constant communicator, as T once told me. i admit that it is sometimes exhausting to be a companion or friend to someone who's chemistry is at war between ADD and CFS (more acronyms!), and makes me appreciate the hardiest of you more than you know. so i share this with you now: Dear Diary, or should i say - "dear Linda" because it's time i sat myself down and had a thoughtful conversation? you, Linda, are the girl who who has always held back a little part of herself...guarded in a locked suitcase, ready to run. you are the girl who wishes for goodness and sends it out in huge volume, but is unable to expect it to return to her. you are the girl who keeps hidden that piece...that very most important part of her...just in case. you are the girl who doesn't do _____ because the potential for hurt (no matter how small) is too scary - even when the chances are pretty good that it will only be good result. who still keeps a good strong lock on that most important part. who, even when faced with a grand opportunity, watches for the the other shoe to fall...who feels like an imposter when great good fortune comes her way - even if it came through hard diligent work. even if it comes for no reason other than another person gave freely...or saw a shadow of the the thing you keep hidden. what that piece is, that hidden thing, is...do you even remember? and yet even though you've become a strong person with ideas and opinions and thoughts of your own, you still keep a little piece of that 7th grade girl locked up inside...the one you let have a voice, even though her time has long past...the one who signed up for cheerleading tryouts, but left when she saw all the popular girls sitting there...the one who let an off comment determine who she thought she was...the one who tried to wear the right clothes and do the cool things without thought as to if they felt true to her. the one who began to resent her mother for not guiding her through the minefield of teenage angst...did you ever realize that there were other voices that were more important? ever realize that you were seen completely differently? ever realize that the off comment was made in jealousy, not in truth? did it ever occur to you that everyone else was feeling the same thing you were? so as you work your way through this mannequin, the realizations of your core...your true self...your spirit & your spirituality...i think it's time to open that little suitcase inside your heart, let the little hurt voice out to go with the wind, and fill it with what is now known to be true...the girl replaced by the woman...the perceived hurts and insecurities replaced by the wolf spirit...prop that suitcase open for those wonderful things to be seen...give them light and breath and fresh air, lest they get stagnant...they are yours.....and yes, there will still be some that have diferent ideas about what you have to offer, but that only means that those gifts are not meant for them - not that those gifts are somehow damaged or lessened. " 10/7/09