wow - a dooce!

so today i began contemplating stuff. it was a beautiful fall day - warm sun on my back, and just a touch of chill in the air: perfect for big cozy sweaters! and being outside was the order of the day, as the house (hopefully) airs out. and what i realized is how a grumpy & dismal veneer was trying to paint itself into the corner of my heart...how the ground i gained was eroding a bit...how i was seeing the glass as half full AND half empty...sort This, BUT That Too. and i realized that i was beginning to operate under the "best defense is a good fence" playbook...that in order to not have to challenge myself or make difficult choices and changes, it was easier to stay put and grumble, or stay put and just be miserable, or stay put and stay little. and my dreams aren't lofty...no "CEO by such-and-such a year" or to be featured in X-number of galleries by 2011 or anything like that. no, my dreams are simple and attainable. To Be. whoever that may be. when i was 20 i thought, okay - this is it...i know it all and have Become who I will be for the rest of my life. Ha. silly child! then at 30, i realized - not so much, my friend. at 40 i began to mellow and melt into myself like a pair of your go-to jeans. satisfied with what i felt. but whoo boy - 48 hit like a ton of bricks, and i realized that there was Still More i wanted from my life. from my Self. and began to feel like Houdini in chains hanging over a column of water. i struggle at the bindings and shook some locks free, but still i was uncomfortable in that fidgety way that makes you think you may have forgotten an important appointment, or makes you look to see if you've accidentally worn your bedroom slippers to work. i am still not living my life on my terms. and although i may have to stay at my Big Girl job, i am okay with that as long as I can do it on my terms. i have refused to work until 7pm. that mandate from me came on friday. the new office is too remote and dark for a woman to work alone in at night. and night comes around 5pm these days. not 1 day will i stay. and i will schedule my studio time as if it truly is an appointment. because it is. with myself. and i will hold my time and my heart and my art with tenderness and gratitude of the gift that it is. and be thankful for the talent i have been given...never again to side-burner it or downplay it. it is a gift. a gift given to me that required nothing on my part...not a question of deserving or being anything special...just a gift. and i will use that gift in blessing of others and in gratitude for the expression. and with the thoughfulness that it deserves. we are all given gifts. and they have a place and purpose in the world. and each of us is equipped with our own special "thing" that has a place in order to fulfill a need. and to be envious of another's gift is to disrespect your own. and to not use your gift is certainly a loss to the world, because each of us is a puzzle piece that has a niche...a place where we fit in. and if the piece that fits in the middle near the side doesn't feel needed or think it has importance, then we all suffer. my cousin worked in a puzzle factory when he was 16-iah. i was a kid around 6years old. whenever we went to visit his family, my biggest treat was to go with his sister to pick him up from work. and he'd come out of the puzzle factory and dive into a dumpsterload of rejected puzzles and bring one to me. all boxed up. but with 1 or more pieces missing, of course. or 2 of the same pieces somewhere in there, but 1 of the 2 needed to be a different shape entirely in order to complete the picture. do i need to explain? didn't think so. so as i have spent endless hours urging others to develop and use their gift - whether it be art or music or theater or just being the shoulder to lean on - i will now challenge myself to honor the same in myself. it is easier, my friend, by far, to only stay within the fence - the comfort zone you've set up for yourself...a fence that keeps out anything that would come to you wrapped in beautiful paper with a beautiful red sparkly bow...but would require you to change something or do something different. a fence that keeps you locked in to your 6 paces square. i have spent some time meditating on What Is Next. and it only took a few moments, believe me when i say it. within moments what i had kept on the other side of the fence jumped over at me and gave me a huge hug. and i hugged back. and together we will face the fence and the challenge. stay tuned! L.