and i don't say this to elicit pity or throw shame or shade. just sort of typing along with my head and heart, and hoping my words will keep up. because little by little, i'm losing my words. which, truth be told - is the reason i left radio. mostly. that's an occupation that requires words. and when you look at a potato and can't remember potato, then it's time to get a gig that isn't based 100% on talking. using words.
but aside from that, it has been a coney island roller coaster ride over here. on one hand, things are settled, and my life is mine to steer, and i'm excited about the different ways i can shape the path. on the other, i have never felt so alone and forgotten. (see - that's the part where you might think Pity Party. but don't). i am an extroverted introvert…i love to be around other people - lots of them - as long as nothing is required of me socially. which, again, is at odds with the whole Gathering nature of my soul. sort of. there is such a shift within right now, and it's difficult to be dependable. and difficult to make a decision on something that may be in the future - like sometimes an hour in the future. i've tried to loosen up my calendar somewhat - tried to not fill every crack and crevice with activity and gathering or going. i tried to plan just One Thing for a weekend. that was this weekend. just one thing. and when that one thing fizzled and cancelled, it became a slippery slope for my emotional skis. I don't know yet if there's a lesson in this. i hope so, because it was indeed a difficult weekend. The sudden passing last week of a person dear to me made the days even harder. There are entire days that go by when my only conversations are with a 4-legged person. i need companionship of the 2-legged sort. a sisterhood to play with.
this is so uplifting, eh? my apologies. but i've always been honest here - never put lipstick on a pig…always let the burned side of the pancake show. I must say it has been eye-opening, and a big disappointment to see the truth of some hearts close to me. perhaps the lesson is in becoming more self-sufficient - to not rely on others for the support i should be giving myself? the danger is always that a wall is built. and i am an excellent emotional mason. no one can build a stronger, taller wall than me, i dare say.
so i'll spend some time away from anything electronic, and sort this tangle out. share your wisdom with me.