a Tiny description

a full time artist, stepmother, radio personality, and mom to an energetic Chug dog, tries to get through the days without committing a felonious act. My life is a rickety Zen circus.


Wednesday, February 17, 2016

it seems i come here for comfort, or to work things out, or to share an amazing moment…but never to say "Eh - life is rolling along in a typical & usual fashion."  and that's okay, because who would want to read about someone's ordinary day…day after day?
so the past weekend was Valentine's Day, and it got me thinking about the deep bonds we share…how you can know someone for 3 full days and 2 half days, and they become grafted to your very heart & soul, but there are others that never seem to find that slice to grab onto, no matter how long you've known them.  (NOTE: I write these thoughts as generalities).
I live alone, with Henry of course, but as a human - alone.  I work in a communication field, but sit alone in a studio.  so by the time the evening rolls around, i need deep human contact.  and by the weekend? all bets are off - i'll marry you just to have a backsplash for my words.  I know this about myself - i crave…i need…human companionship.  which is why i am The Gatherer.  and also knowing this about myself makes me cautious about giving my heart away too quickly, or too deeply…knowing that sometimes the need to not be alone will cloud the intention of the offerer.  Male & female.  i have been a member of a group of women who also need the companionship of people, but who weren't looking for a graft - just a pulse and a willingness to ski or dine or go to a movie.  which is fine, but (for me) just feels cheap after a while.  i've been in BFF friendships that soon encompass and drown a heart…i cannot be responsible enough to be your everything every moment.  no one can.  get a counselor.  and to be fair, the line is thin sometimes between "a friend in need" and " a friend in CONSTANT need."  I have 1 friend that seems to take comfort in her role as comforter, and no matter what the conversation, she will find a spot that's a little grey and pick at it till you find yourself drowning in your troubles.  no!  so this long ramble is about friendship, and boundaries, i suppose.  if you're reading this, we are probably friends on some level…maybe warm acquaintances, maybe besties that talk often and freely and equally footed.  but sunday, something clicked into place, and i realized that there are things i must do for myself, and living situations that are a good choice for me…and hearts that are best enjoyed from afar and only on occasion.  the effort was never equal the return, and that's my new yardstick…i mean, if i don't have your address (email or otherwise) after 6 months…perhaps neither one of us cares all that much.  let's stay friends, but i am not going to be pouring the effort out as i have in the past.  i can't.  my tank of effort is draining.  which brings me to some other news, and i hate to be a bitch, but i have to continue this another time - this weekend, i'm thinking.  i am filling in for someone on vacation, and we are in the midst of a snow/ice/snow event, so i am just too exhausted.  my body can't do the fulltime like it used to.  and even if it was running like a top, these days would be killer anyway.  so forgive me, but we'll talk soon….have a golden day!

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