It's been 23 days since my last post. Yes. An almost unheard of amount of time to be away, in the past 9 or so years. Some days brought 3 or 4 posts a day. Some days witty, some raging, some using f-bombs, some poetic. All from the heart, though.
This past month has been the gelling of this past year. This was my 2nd Christmas alone (ish). And there was none of the panic of not having a group to gather around a tree and table...I almost didn't decorate at all, but decided to string up the red &green chili pepper lights and set a number of small trees up around the house. And it was good. I've spent the past year in what I call spackling mode...running and doing and planning and striving to fill every tiny moment...so I didn't have time to think. To process. To grieve. But grief has it's way with you when you least expect it - reaching for his favorite soup in the grocery store and realizing there's no one to eat it. Needing to phone a friend from the lonely paper goods aisle, as you open a box of Kleenex and try to sob inconspicuously. It will come no matter how fast you run, or how you try to medicate. I embraced my grief, finally, having learned that the dragon will eventually get bored and move on. The tears eventually stopped, I noticed one day. I moved on. In my marathon of busy, I had made friends -good friends. And as my interests reignited, and my worldview expanded once again, I felt at peace. I realized I was living in a new reality - one that included many situations that had once terrified me. I had lost every safety net, and been bounced off a few rocks, but I'm still standing. And I was able to keep the sweetness of life...the intangible things that can't be bartered for over a polished conference table. I feel deeper...I am the person I feared...budgeting, watching, careful. And I see how it makes a person appreciate things more, and how the choices you make are intentional. I once bought 8 dozen Gerbera daisy bunches because I couldn't decide what color to get. Eight dozen. That purchase is so far out of my realm now, and it seems like an embarrassing waste.
I've come to see how I can be so critical of those who share my heart. Or maybe it was just my heart telling me it was being shared with the wrong person. Either way, I had a share in the blame, though to this day, I have no idea what the actual last straw was that brought forth the cruelty of a sudden divorce announcement 2weeks before Christmas. It was not unwanted, but the timing was notable.
This past year has held some of the darkest and also some of the brightest moments/days/weeks. And I've sucked the marrow from the bones of it all, taking it gladly and learning from the worst of it and from the best. My boundaries have been redrawn...my heart is open...my step is steady.
I've always been honest with you here, and I will say that I am grateful for it all. Grateful for the growth that came. Grateful for the opportunities that have opened. Grateful for new strength, and new eyes.
Along with the fire, came a retooling, of sorts.
It's been a full year since I've been able to make art. Not even bad art. There is a force field, of sorts, around my studio. I don't know how to work in there anymore. I have nothing to say in paint and wax and plaster and paper. It may change some day. Maybe not. I don't mourn it or try to force it like I had been doing. It's just gone in a very definite way. Re-expressing itself in the remaking a heart, a home, a life. And there's where my luck gets lucky.
I started this space way back when, on what remains as the saddest day of my life...when I had to say good bye to my Kita. And tonight, on my birthday eve, I say so long to this space. It will remain up, but I'm feeling like it's time to step back. At least for a time. If you subscribe to the feed, you'll know if I couldn't resist talking to you here. But it feels like a different chapter is beginning. Thank you sincerely and deeply for riding along with me here all these years...for your comments and emails. I feel the love, and wish it back to you ten-fold. Xox, Kita's mom.