a Tiny description

a full time artist, stepmother, radio personality, and mom to an energetic Chug dog, tries to get through the days without committing a felonious act. My life is a rickety Zen circus.


Friday, December 04, 2015

Wishing for the ease with which I moved through my days and nights and weeks and months...not having to force myself to go out and try something new with new people in new places...everything was well at hand. I'm probably not describing it properly, but... My New Reality is that unless I make a strong effort to engage with the world, I will sit alone...there is no longer an assumption of a big holiday dinner, or holiday of any sort...unless I make it.  I was always the Maker, but there was always a cast of characters that were the supporting cast and crew...was. Now, there is me. Last year, I was too stunned and shell-shocked to notice, I think. This year, the empty table clangs loudly as I walk through the dining room.  I laugh at the plans I had to make that room bigger. Tonight, I allow myself a moment to feel the full intensity of being alone as the world (it seems) prepares for a holiday with baking and family and too much of everything. But just for a moment. Just one moment. Then I'll grab onto the shred of a thought of the blessing in this - the one that would allow for a gathering of Also Alone folks. And hope they'll come.

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