Saturday, September 26, 2015
am feeling disconnected. itchy and jumpy in my own skin. finding myself wandering the house wondering what the heck i was planning to do with the screwdriver in my hand. feeling like an addict who needs to see a man about a horse. or some horse. after a day of great and good accomplishments and housework, inside and out, i find it's too early to go to bed, but too sad to stay up. henry barks through the window at a passing dog. i think about my neighbor - older than me by a few years - single since i've known her. how does she do it? what does she do with all her minutes and hours and days? i feel ashamed to complain about loneliness while i live in a great and beautiful home. yet the darkness makes it's way through the windows to the inside at times. the sadness draws the darkness in. i need to wish better…i need to be more careful for what i wish for. i wish for things and they come to me…and i'm never satisfied - always finding the flaw…perhaps the problem is me, yes? perhaps i need to stop wishing and realize that i have all that a wish could bring. and yet. even Henry has his shadows in the window. should i wish for a distraction? and what of it - what if it should come? would i wish for time alone? i try looking outward and it's just too exhausting tonight. perhaps tomorrow. or the next day. but not tonight. tonight i come here raw and without pretension or pretending. life on my own can be crushing. i will wish for a partner - for a close compatriot - not necessarily of the marriage type. more like a person to share those moments with, when you want to say "Look!" but realize there's no one to say it to. yes. someone who won't tire of my sometimes endless chatter. someone who will help me lift the tent on my Big ideas. now that would be an excellent wish.
at 7:55 PM