a Tiny description

a full time artist, stepmother, radio personality, and mom to an energetic Chug dog, tries to get through the days without committing a felonious act. My life is a rickety Zen circus.


Wednesday, September 03, 2008

grab your sides & snicker

ok so now here's something to brighten your day....close your eyes (not YET - after you read this!) and picture this: i'm taking yoga. and t'ai chi. although, given my current state of body-being, it's more like "yoda." the t'ai chi...well, let's just say i plan to give Ralph Macchio a run. i'm just so enthusiastic about my new-found health, that i want to do it all. all. i want to set out on a walk in the morning and not stop till noon. then swim for a while or ...who knows?? i just feel very cleansed. and this whole process has taught me so much about what i am capable of, and what is true. for instance: husband said he wanted to quit tobacco. i said,"then you already have. you just need to tell your body." now where the heck did that come from? but when you think about it, it is true. ** i'm reading a book called "The Book of Everything - Journey of the Heart's Desire," Hakim Sanai's walled garden of truth. very good. and very small for a book of everything. here's a tease..."Belief brings me close to You...but only to the door..it is only by disappearing into Your mystery that I can come in." i'm also reading "Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea" and these two picks sort of speak about my life in general. not the actual vodka. and percolating around in that monkey mind of mine is part of Christine Mason Miller's book "Ordinary Sparkling Moments" (which I KNOW you MUST have ordered by now) in which she talks about being put in a box by someone. not a REAL box...but you know...when the other half of your relationship wants their other half to be thus-and-so, and you happen to be the flesh that is representing it. (these are my words, not to worry). it got me ruminating along those lines...that if a person - especially one that says they love you - tries to limit the essence of what makes you YOU, then it isn't YOU they want. because YOU includes the parts they don't want. as i was in the midst of my shower epiphany the other morning, it did come to me that a person could only be limited by the amount that they allow. as women, or is it just me? - as women, we try to smooth out all the crinkles in the sheets and make everything nice nice...go along, get along. you may notice a little bit chipped at here, and a small disappointment there, but by God you just love that person so darn much that it just doesn't seem important. till you look one day, and it's all chipped away and the dust is around your feet and no one wants to help sweep it because it just isn't important to them. so as i have become uncomfortable with broken promises and disrespect, i also have to realize that i only need to accept as much as i want. i can either push back, educate, and hope for the best, or i can leave. those are my choices. of course, i can also leave my dreams unrealized, but now that i understand the dynamic, it would be a total walking away from art. closing my studio. because there is no middle ground anymore, and to pretend there is would be impossible. and if that other person in this relationship is willing to believe in my belief of myself, then there may be a chance for progress. but the shoes were getting very tight to walk in, and the box i was allowing myself to be contained in was getting smaller. i remember an incident on a first grade school bus, with a girl being thumped on the back, and the bully asking "did that hurt?" and i mentally begged the girl to say "yes" so the bully would just stop. (she never did, so i had to go poke the bully in the eye and ask if THAT hurt. i was a different kind of kid even then). but back to the spiritual side of the conversation here. so as i have allowed a little bit to be chipped away, there was a mental "did i get away with that" from the other side. maybe not conciously. but there you have it. with all the little control vexations - this window open, that door closed, this fan on, use hot water/cold water...etc...with all those tiring rules to follow, i had to stop finally and ask myself when it changed from being funny & quirky behaviors to being control buttons. and you know what? i'm not interested in making a time line. i will once again begin the life that was interrupted. the beautiful and gentle and lovely spirit that was once radiant from me will once again shine without inhibition, without thought of appropriateness, and will not worry about what the other half may think, feel, say on their own behalf. i will realize that i represent only myself and i will proceed on my journey. L.

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