the best policy

okay so my military-time clock on my computer says 15:56...My husband left about an hour ago for his business trip. i try not to get too maudlin in this blog, but i also try to keep it real, as they say. so here's the real: i smoked. i am so sorry. to you. to myself. to my husband who hopefully will not find out because he just started his non-smoking plan. i hit another wave of despair, and said f-it. i know i just need to start taking the chantix again. but i don't know how much - do i start all over again with the half dose? do i just jump back in with the full dose? and of course it's sunday and of course the chantix hotline is not actually STAFFED by a PERSON i could ASK who probably wouldn't answer me anyway but tell me to call my doctor. who is probably having a nice bbq with her family. it really is hard to do on your own. i really should not have been so smug and nausea-driven as to think i could stop taking the drug oh-so-much-sooner than any other person on the planet, but that's what happened. and now i have an entire pack of cigarettes minus one sitting in my garage. what do i do with it? i called my husband for support and of course he was wonderful and supportive and said to go for a walk which i knew would be a good thing anyway. i left out the part where i had actually already smoked, making me a loser and a liar. but this is where i have an even keener understanding of why it is so very hard for an alcoholic to quit drinking or a heroin addict to quit their drug of choice. i hope i can use this information at some point in my life, because the knowledge has been paid for in a very hard currency. yes, i can blame the poison ivy for the sleep deprivation which has made most days a jumble. yes, i can point to a million reasons why. but the truth is simply that this is a very hard thing to stop doing. and i'm just picturing myself, again, out in the rain - the only smoker. missing out on what's going on inside. coming in all stinky and bad breath-like. and these have been such good healthy-feeling weeks. i know i will shoot for it again tomorrow. but i also know that downstairs right now in my garage is a pack of cigarettes minus one.