ok - i'll try again, but the dog is thrilled that it's way past her regular bark-at-the-school bus time AND mommy's still home so it's time to play with chirpy mouse. i have 2 big open spaces to rearrange and make suitable for my self: one is my studio - a large 22x22 room upstairs that must be semi-gutted, purged, painted and redesigned. by sunday. each piece must be vetted for worthiness of space. the other space: my life. a big, open road ahead. both tasks equally exciting. one a little more straightforward than the other. a gloomy, rainy day outside is perfect for being productive inside. clear the clamor, spend it in gratitude. now you know how my life goes...setting intentions like these can usually guarantee a Lucille Ball outcome. but it is my intention to seek a balance between the gentle calm, and the incredibly complex & eventually hysterical things that often befall me. it is my intention, for instance to move a large desk out of my studio. i can already forsee a Groundhog Day-like return to the Incident of Being Stuck Holding a Desk On Stairs for 3 hours till someone comes home. i may actually learn from that. but i can only promise to remember to go to the ladies loo before i attempt it. (oy - puppy has now moved on to the ball-in-the-plastic-ring toy, and is looking to me to make it go round & round so she can bark at it). playing with the dog is quick...she drags a toy out from her stash behind husband's Lazy Ass recliner, drops it on my feet, i throw it, she grabs it and puts it back in the stash. then a minute later - rinse & repeat. no fetching here. and eventually (in 3 tosses) she forgets to go get it, so i end up tossing squeeky mouse or lambikins, then going after it my own self and dropping it near her to try to incite play. she has been watching the Dog Whisperer backwards. i am trained. whenever i think about all that has happened in the past few weeks, i am overwhelmed. flat out. i still can't form the words. it's a deep, humbling Why Me Why Now feeling. in a good way. a very good way. to be called upon to stretch myself and grow and prioritize, and to be given the opportunity to use those skills. i am not forgotten. my prayers actually do get heard. hunh. i guess i feel a deepening of spirituality and confidence that i am not alone. i feel very comfortable in my skin. physically - i am happy with my outwards, and need to take care of my inwards...a dr's appt scheduled for monday to help with that. to keep my promise to myself (from last year) to take better care of my body. yes - another round of quitting smoking is on the close horizon. 3rd times the charm? 4th? whatever try this is, it has to be the one that works. just has to. i smoke a mortgage payment every month. 2 car payments. that is not acceptable. so send your good vibes my way. ok - off to shower...it's funny, i look at the clock and measure time in what i would be doing at this moment if i was at my Big Girl Job. leaving was less anxiety-ridden than i thought it would be, but i think that's because i'm so exhausted. there are women at that job i will miss fiercely, and am sad to not be able to see every day. yes, i will have more time now to get together after work, and i'm hoping they don't turn into those fade-away friendships where you realize that the only thing you had in common was the job. oh yeah - shower and begin.