finding your calling

ever since i chucked my Big Girl job almost 2 years ago, I have had people ask me how I knew it was the right decision, or that they were going to do the same and make art all day and eat glitter sprinkles on chocolate cupcake dreams la la la.  not to be Debbie Downer, but that's not at all how days go. even eliminating a bulimic cat and spoiled dog with dementia from the equation, most days can run like today - it's almost 10am, i am still in my bathrobe - because I got up at 4:45am and started work.  on a saturday.  after working til 11pm last night. and didn't want to stop just to shower, get dressed, etc.  i live in an area that's far away enough to discourage drop-ins, and am crabby enough to just not answer the door/phone if i'm not expecting someone.  (don't try it - i won't answer). i have a deadline, and while that may sound sexy and appealing to some, it's a hair-pulling stress ride for me, despite carefully mapping every second of my days for the past, oh, two years.   there are moments, long moments, and daydreams, of waking up & slamming down coffee while walking the dog & simultaneously blow drying my hair AND shoveling 1' of snow off the car, then going into a cubicle in corporate America USA to type, collate and otherwise degrade my brain cells and my Self.  and i'm going to be honest with you right here, right now - i did make mewing noises at the door to my old job last week.  i wanted them to laugh and say "HIRE?? YOU?? BACK??"  but at the same time, the relief i felt at the thought of giving up control of the ship was startling.  And if my body was able, boy, I'd be rowing my dinghy to that freighter and latching on.  but alas, it is Q4 and no one hires in Q4.  And I ran into a blog by Lissa Rankin (not only an unbelievable encaustic artist, gynecologist, Woman's Woman).  and in this post, she talks about 7 myths about finding your calling.  and it bears a few moments reading.  especially if you want to leave the desk and Swingline behind.  ummm yeah, uh, i'm going to need you to just go ahead and watch this now...



anyway...it isn't all gloom & doom, I'm just tired and exhausted.  and have many many more hours to go.  3 projects being juggled right now.  but i come from a circus family, so that's just about right.  (you never knew?  yep - dad worked the carnival circuit for a while, while he was Finding His Calling FOR REAL this happened.  and my brother went to SF to circus school and also worked at Circus Vargas Traveling Menagerie very briefly).  maybe I'll run away and join the circus...do gypsy crystal ball readings.  hmmmmm.....