study hard

i feel like i am being tested. physically and mentally. well, the mentally part - nuff said! I am CERTAIN....positive, i tell you...that there is a hidden camera & microphone a la Alan Funt (google it if you're under 40) in my cubicle at work. there is NO POSSIBLE WAY that the people who called me today - every single one of them- no way that they exist for real in nature...that they are roaming the aisles in the grocery stores and gas stations looking (possibly) just like you or me, with 1 head and eyes (left & right) and opposable thumbs. no way. no how. because a different breed of complainer hit my phone today. not from this earth. from some other terra firma and they had a direct line to me. i normally seem to attract people from the fringe, shall we say. while i'm trying to ramble my way through the grocery store at nascar speed, someone will pick ME out of the entire store ME and begin somehow to weave their life story into a can of lentils. Lentils?! i do not know from lentils. and i cannot bear your story mrs. lentil-buyer. not this day when i left the windows open and it's about to rain and i hate to grocery shop because then i have to cram and pack it all into my car then drag it home and unpack and uncram it from my car while not letting the dog and cat out and then re-pack and re-cram it into the fridge and freezer and cupboards and in an hour when i remember the potato chips with the jalapeno seasoning they'll be gone and eaten by friggin locusts dressed as stepchildren. in a nutshell, that is why i feel less empathy for lentil lady than i probably should. but back to my day at work. at first i thought "uh oh" with the first FORTY MINUTE drunken tirade. who i ask who can even over-drink THAT much by 10am??? AND she was calling from arizona so it was God knows what time there. telling me ME i'm a crack ho. after i repaired the burst vessel in my head, i took the next call, and i swear to you, she made the first caller seem like someone i'd take to the symphony. i cannot believe, by the third call, that someone i work with is not behind this. i look around, waiting for someone to start snickering and say HA HA. because this is something i would do to someone else. and have. except the crack ho part. but no. this is for real. and only the beginning i discovered quite some time later. the only saving grace to my day way that i had to go to the bathroom. so i logged off the instrument of slow death and went to the ladies room. now i forgot to tell you that while i was enjoying my Dunkin Donut supreme omlette with sausage and real-ish eggs and not on the english muffin i ordered, but on the croisant that the "chef" felt was a better flavor combo, no doubt, BEFORE my work day officially started, i decided to see how bad my inbox was. bad mistake. i was getting kicked around like an emotional pinata and not even officially at work yet. just dining in my cubicle. and the whacker was none less then the VP who had somehow gotten it into her pretty little head that i was the reason we were being sued over something. ME. so i spent the better part of an hour relaying that the incident in question never not ever had it crossed my desk. not even an "oops sorry." so when i decided to go to the ladies room, it was as much for refuge as for relief. so, you know how there's a small little space where the hinge attaches the door to the divider thingie, and if you look (even though we all pretend we don't) you can almost see who just walked in? maybe just a flash of color. well as i was about to assume the stance (which i'll cover another time, but you ladies all know the Public Potty Stance of which i speak), i hear footsteps and see a flash of pure white. no - not God, or an angel...the VP. i have no desire to meet up with her 1 on 1 in the loo with no witnesses, so as soon as she shuts her stall door, i am OUT OF THERE. i can hold it longer than i think. so the day more or less escalated itself till it fell (flopped down in exhaustion mostly) into a steaming heap of itself at 7pm. and i think it got a piece of me. i'll fight back for it tomorrow. meanwhile, i had the most crazy-wonderful convo with my home slice Momma J and she is one special person, i must say. puts the P in perspective. (which reminds me - in case you worried...i snuck down the hall and used the executive wing bathroom. they have the softest 2-ply. i scream Unfair!) so don't forget - smile, just in case you ARE on candid camera. L