a lot of thoughts about invisibility these days...being not-23 years old, and not 99 pounds brings about a certain amount of invisibility. i didn't want to believe it, and certainly wouldn't discriminate against someone because they were young and slim, but I am seeing with my own eyes how women in particular seem to be discarded as they age. i've been noticing this in my experience, and also as i go through my day. as menopause changes a woman's body, and pounds seem to gather quickly, and priorities shift from clawing up the corporate ladder to quality of life, eyes and attention shifts away. it's subtle sometimes, but it is there. i waver between wanting to dress funky and gypsy style to express my spirit, to thinking "what the hell? don't be that creepy old lady!" what is age appropriate? does it follow the style in your heart, or is it more sensible? something Stacey & Clinton would approve of. I am at a point in my life where I have more freedom to make decisions and have some life lessons to back up the roads i head down, and can certainly offer my experience, but much like the responses i gave my parents, i risk hearing "that's not how we do it nowadays." The world does belong to the young, and it's theirs to shape for their own future, but believe me, i'm not ready for a cane & wheelchair yet. and - i am living in the world that i worked to shape, so let's all share. on my 50th birthday, i realized that i was realistically past the mid-point of my life, and had better start doing the things i wanted to do...even given good health, it was not likely that i would live to 100, so time was the thing. and i started going to plays and not waiting for movies to hit Netflix and going on vacations and making sure i told people that i loved them and that they were wonderful - things i used to put off, or things that would get lost in a cloud of busy-ness. now - no. i am living as fully as i can without sinking our financial boat. and i'm not putting up with any crap.
it's interesting to see friends who are quite a bit younger, as they go through the phase of life where they are searching for their purpose and self-ness. i want to tell them to chuck all the advice and oogly-googly rituals and such...just live. you never really figure it out, and there comes a point where it's just too exhausting to keep trying anyway. it seems that those journeys only make a person feel "less", anyway...less wonderful, less close to their ideal, less like their role model. when all along, they were meant to just be themselves, and maybe add an idea or thought here and there from these "mentors." and honestly, if you scrape away the front of most of the guides, there's a whole lotta chaos there, too. which is fine, but you should know that jumping from A to B to C will not sink you into a permanent zen state of life. and anyone who tells you that is lying. plain and simple. chaos and friction are the building blocks to the next step. why would you leave a comfortable plateau to continue hiking, unless you heard wolves nearby? and life is about growth...your own true-too-your-heart growth that feels real and fits comfortably. and amazingly, when you realize that you were created perfectly for the purpose you were intended for, you suddenly come out of that funk of self-degredation and unworthiness, and realize that you have a job to do - it will come to you as you just live life. stand up, join the party, and get on with it.
so that's the rambling of my thoughts this morning. there is no one person to follow, other than yourself. and honor those who have gone before you - don't dismiss their knowledge, and don't disrespect their journey. and know that everyone has an amazing story to tell, just ask them.