I don't want another opportunity to learn & grow, she said. I just want to eat crackers & watch Oprah & pet my cat. -Brian Andreas, StoryPeople...... Last night, after the Great Pill Rodeo with Diva, I took myself to the art store. I needed it. I deserved it. I needed to smell the smells that only an art store has. and see people with multi-colored hands and glazed eyes and feel the goosebumps when i look at the Golden display. i threw caution to the wind and bought a LAC (large ass canvas), a new spatula/trowel thingie, and a bunch o' things i likely could live without, but don't want to. i was in honey badger mode. when Mary The Fairest was here visiting for a nanosecond last week, we bought matching bracelets at this boutique (i know, right? "so queer" as we used to say in the dark ages) and both bought the same perfume (which is intoxicating "smell me!" i say to my boss, "don't i smell good??"). i was wearing both, plus my new capris and shirt. and the rolex. i say this because i was in the frame of mind where i needed to feel safe and untroubled by sick diva dogs and friends and art shows and money and whatever. just for a few hours, i wanted it to be about me. at first i felt selfish - leaving the diva to figure out the collar-of-shame. and thought maybe i'd spent quite enough money in the past few days. but that was spent on need, rather than want. and i needed to spend on want last night. and a large ass canvas was about as good as it got! i don't feel the least bit regretful or spoiled or selfish, either. an old boyfriend's mother taught me well. she said that "if you are doing doing doing for others, you have to Have to Have to take time for yourself...be indulgent, be wasteful, be or do something that will make you smile...buy a new lipstick or pedicure or wardrobe or fly somewhere just for the day and have lunch." (i stayed with this guy 2 years longer than i should have, just because i loved his mother so much. still do). (and love her lunches!). so i bought art supplies and took myself out for dinner. i came home relaxed and happy. in all reality, if i just went for a walk, it would work the same wonders, but the act of buying something non-essential for life sustenance was reaffirming of my worth to myself. (it hadn't slipped, but was getting pushed aside in the haze of martyrdom). and so all that led to this rambling post. i woke up to a very quiet morning - the power was out in the area, and with the exception of 1 neighbor with a backup generator, the smell of coffee in the air was missing. my neighbors to the left brew coffee so strong, i swear it peels the paint off the walls, goes through the walls, and out into the atmosphere. it's like an alarm clock for me, at times. sort of a contact high from the caffeine when i take that first morning breath. but i had a large ass canvas, so no worries. as it worked out, by the time i got diva's meds into her and helped her navigate the backyard for a tinkle, the power was on, and i made my own coffee. apparently lots of it, because here i ramble again. okay so i'm going to go now and walk diva properly, throw more gesso on a project, and take mom out for lunch (we both worked mother's day, so this is it). wishing you moments of great hedonism today.... he·don·ism/ˈhēdnˌizəm/ Noun: 1)The pursuit of pleasure. 2)The ethical theory that pleasure is the highest good and proper aim of human life. (did i tell ya?)