a full time artist, stepmother, former radio personality, customer service goddess, and mom to an American Eskimo dog tries to get through the days without committing a felonious act. My life is a rickety Zen circus.
Friday, May 18, 2012
the truth...hmm...do i dare put it in print? ahh, you know, i've always been open here. so, the truth: i feel like i'm "support staff." Chief cook and bottle washer, as mom used to say. my days are routine and heavily filled with taking care of other people ( 2-legged and 4-legged). the cat vomit is left for the maid, the coffee doesn't get made unless the cook makes it, diva's special food/medicine mix gets made up by the vet tech, the laundry - well, you get the idea. and the thing of it is that i would gladly do all this if there was some acknowledgement...some payoff...some moments of being made to feel Special. that's the very heart of the matter, i think. and i've thought about it a lot. not that i'm not grateful to live where i live, and have the financial support that i do, i would live Less if it meant having More...More time carved out to go away for a weekend or even a day...i am feeling sensory underload, and need to fill that part of me that twangs and hums with possibility and hears music and translates it into paintings...i planned a NYC runaway with my brother last week, but diva had her vet appointment, and is now high maintenance. she is literally at my heels every second, and while i feel badly for her (as only a dog-momma can) i am up to my own collar in frustration. i do not know how housewives in the 50's and back yonder did it. God knew what He was doing when he had me born in an era where i have expectations about how my life should be - if not on a daily basis, at least quarterly. it will be 2 weeks before diva is off her meds, so until then, i'll have to putter close to home. but for the love of god - if you're in my area, please call! i will buy lunch. in fact, call anyway, no matter where you are. i know this sounds pathetic, and it isn't quite as depressing in the minute by minute living of it, and i know somehow chantix is involved in the truly dark moments, so i grit my teeth through them, but i need to be with/chat with people who speak my language. now. i need to feel like a singular person, and not Support Staff. now. i need to remember my thoughts and opinions and likes and dislikes and sense of humor and sense of curiosity and sense of wonder and see new things and taste new tastes...i need an intervention from my life as it currently is. i need to win a contest where you get a clone. or a trip to Paris. Need - not want. these are the truths i feel this morning.