Monday, May 21, 2012
From Stephanie Lee: If there is this place in your mind where you are free of all the weight that you have felt burdened by and in that place you are fully alive, confident, loving, allowing, kind, compassionate, trusting, bold and all of the other ways of being you can imagine for yourself... ...and if you feel like there is much work to do to be there, that there are too many things "in your way", parts of you that need fixing, pain or stuck ideas that need releasing before you can be there... ...it just occurred to me that the energy put into fixing and trying to release might be better used in practicing the opposite. I mean, if you practiced enough the being fully alive, confident, loving, allowing, kind, compassionate, trusting, bold and all of the other ways of being you can imagine for yourself, pretty soon it would be easier to be that than to be forever trying to fix yourself, forever believing that the pain or stuck ideas need to be released first. You don't need to wear yourself out trying to fix a false-flawed self. Take a breather in the practice of being totally okay. In this moment. Now. (does your mind start to explain itself? does it try to justify the discomfort?) Bless your heart. Bless all our beautiful hearts. The morning showers outside in the early sunrise are stirring up the deep thinking parts of me that want to be totally satisfied with exquisite beauty of each moment and the possibility (reality) that I am an integral part of that. *****(for some reason, Blogger refuses to space paragraphs. sorry) NEW TOPIC***************************** Today, I ran away from home. sort of. husband is out of town...I dropped Diva off at Camp Grandma's...bulimia cat wants a pet before bedtime, his/her food, and then just go away stinky human. My plan: the Megabus at 1am to NYC...MoMA...tea in Brooklyn...more tea in Brooklyn...the Highline. the original thought was to snag the last bus home, at 7:30-ish pm, but then i decided to stay over and actually fit everything in. maybe 3 days. maybe forever. but definitely 2 days. Mom went nearly hysterical with fear that her daughter (i am still 12 in her eyes) was going to NEW YORK CITY all by herself. hysterical in the psychotic way, not the ha-ha way. she apparently called anyone she felt could influence me away from this absolute leap of insanity, begging them to talk me out of it. she even revoked her dogsitting services at one point. i had no idea of the drama going on behind the scenes (and offer my sincerest apologies on her behalf if you were sucked into the swirl). at least we know where i get it. as it turned out, OTHER circumstances made the trip impossible, but circumstance that was good and balanced. but i dropped diva off anyway, needing a day or two to myself. and i realized how long it had been since i did have a day with no obligations...and even better - two in a row! i've gessoed 3 panels in preparation for a paint fest tomorrow, and have 3 other pieces i'm working on that make me happy. i can sleep/wake/sleep whenever i want, without having to be responsible for walking a woken dog, or explaining to husband why i'm up at 3am. i am ecstatic! and husband being one of the people on the early morning call list, has promised that we will pick a date and go for a vacation together, rather than these separate jaunts we've evolved. so it's good. real good. i have one of the panels set up in the garage, waiting on the promised rain for tomorrow, and excited about painting and watching the rain...smelling it wash the earth...hearing it pound onto the pavement and rush through the leaves of the Japanese Maple out front. so i'm off to my staycation, but don't tell anyone i'm here!
at 8:13 PM