Amish paradise

ok. deep cleansing breath. *sigh* okay. oh y'all! (i wail and wring my hands here) (fat tear slides down cheek). i pray constantly CONSTANTLY that the fates that decided my life would be star-crossed between I Love Lucy and Seinfeld would reconsider. and let me help choose this time. i mean, okay, i AM aware it could be worse, my life...i could have gotten the whole pearl-wearing Donna Reed thing. or Mrs. Partridge. stuck on that damn bus with those kids all banging tambourines not in time with the music and what was that they thought we wouldn't notice the youngest boy was a DIFFERENT BOY ENTIRELY half way through?? i mean, did Shirley just get sick and tired of the other one and swap him out at 6th grade parent day? oy. but back to me. it's my party and i'll cry if i want to. i can't though...i shrug my shoulders like Uncle Sam-the-garbage and shuffle on to the next nightmare of an Incident which is my life. as best as i can figure, the onslaught began friday when i used the term "slack assed wench" in a meeting with my new boss. i picked this term up from Blue Poppy's blog (which is resting) and the term just tickled me. it just rolls off the tongue. and so it did. (you try saying it and you'll see - slack assed wench. say it). of course another team member had just completed a tirade in which the string of words went something like "taking one up the butt for the team" and so it went. we are a colorful team. and somewhat used to sailor-like language from the customers we strive to satisfy. did i mention this was a meeting with our new boss? did i mention she is wonderful and got us, no not raises, but the pima cotton shirts we demanded with the company logo on it (not realizing that produce and insults would be hurled at us when we stopped for some milk on the way home, so beloved is my company). so anyway, the new boss is a quiet VERY quiet soft-spoken woman. in fact so soft-spoken, her words go IN instead of coming OUT of her mouth. she is still trying to get the lay of the proverbial land at the office, so is nice to everyone. in case. me being ever-helpful, had a private meeting with her and laid out the inner dynamics as best i knew them. it's what i do. so i came home after all that day was finally over, and determined it would be a good weekend...art, watching my hawk try to hatch those eggs, and all the et ceterati that comprises a Good Weekend. so imagine my surprise when the gods of thunder rolled through friday night and Diva took to pacing incessantly across my head, drooling in my ear. finally i got up at 5am. in part because a gypsy woman on the west coast is sending messages to my dog to wake me up to make art, and in part because, i don't know why the other part. must've just been the gypsy. so i make art. then get my hair done. then, 2 days after i've paid off my car, yeah THAT day, it starts going RRRRCRUNK whenever it moves, pretty much. oy. and my mechanic is on vacation, no doubt with the procedes from repairing Youngblood's car. okay, so i'll let it rest and make more art. well, first i'll check my email. but wait, first i'll get my IPod going. oh wait...the screen is blank. blank. no musica. de nada. no va. chest clutch. be calm. check emails. take aspirin. get in car quietly so as not to disturb it and buy new Ipod. WHAT! no computer...screen blank. blank! and Pierre is in Vegas. heyyyy...maybe with my mechanic? naw. i am Amish. no car. no IPod. no computer. cold sweat. panic rising. husband's car. whew. this is going long and i sense i'm losing your attention, so let me just say that 3 hours after you try to make your shiny new green nano ipod work, please just call Apple support. they live in this country. they are nice. they are actually helpful. and they have Magic to make things work that didn't by doing the self-same thing you just did oh say 40 times before. magic i tell you. i asked, but no they don't do cars. so it seemed like a good time for dinner. so guess where i went? husband & i went to a sushi restaurant. oh stop - you are already laughing thinking i ordered something freaky like baby octopus by accident, right. guffaw. no but i will say that in Sushi-speak, "crunchy" does not mean fried, or coated with potato chips, or crouton-like. and those teeny red beads are NOT ice cream sprinkles. 'kay. so today thankfully is the last day of the weekend - the last day where i am footloose and on my own to determine my destiny. so i went grocery shopping. did i mention it was warm here today? 78. and remember, my air conditioning blew up Monster green stuff last week? so okay. let's just say that IF you happen to leave a bag of groceries in the car by accident, pray, people, pray that it does not contain 18 eggs, one of which was cracked and you didn't notice. unless Gus slammed it into the cart and it broke just prior to purchase. moot point. my car smells like a medieval hearse. so bad so bad. what is the lesson in all this...this? i have no freaking idea, but i'm torn between being totally pissed off at the life-choosing fates, and praying to God Yahweh begging Him BEGGING him to reconsider a few things. and reminding him that surely one Job in the Bible was Plenty and Enough. now, i am fully aware that these few days is not even a scratch of a tick on the Bad Things scale if viewed from a Universal viewpoint. it was only meant to inform and amuse. and do not try this at home. i'm a trained professional. so good night y'all....guess where i'm going right now? guess...yup. a date with a sponge and carpet cleaner and a pile of cat yark. sleep well. L.

it's been a long week! with a 3-person department, if one person is crabby, that's one-third of the people in a bad mood. just remember that. and it wasn't me. with the new buds bursting on the trees, and a warm breeze skipping about today, a little more of that soul-tectonic shifting has been going on...too soon to form into words...just a niggling of a nebulus of an idea...a thought...a feeling...it's subject line reads: Life vs. Lifestyle. my computer continues to sputter along, so i'll close 1 eye, cross my fingers and hope that it continues on until i can leave it with Pierre. so i've had enough of today for now...what with clawless cats escaping and all manner of chaos at home. so i'm signing off for now. tomorrow...a 6am wakeup call to the worktable....a bunch of Becky Home ec-y fun...a hair appointment....and more art. i'm determined to squeeze in a neighborhood-wide garage sale - that usually nets me tons o' art stuff! xoxL.

Mariah & her babes 2006

Mariah was attacked and nearly killed by another female Peregrine last Sunday...she is receiving excellent care, thanks to the intervention of some humans who stopped the attack. say a prayer for her, please. L.

done!

It was madness trying to photograph this...MADNESS! if you've ever seen one of my altered boxes or shrines in person, you know the detail work involved. to try and capture that was just a frustration. but finally i just said "done" and sent this off. so much has been going on, i almost didn't realize it was time for that to get sent. still no conclusive answer on the hospital deal, so i'll just go on with my life and let them muddle it out. husband called from Vermont and he had thrown his back out...could hardly stand up. he went to a sales call with untied shoes because he couldn't bend down. i say they are lucky he had pants on. he is still in excruciating pain, but like a man, is still trying to do ManStuff. if i say anything, it only makes him more determined, so i walk in front of him and drop stuff and ask him to pick it up. when he can't bend over, then i get to yell at him. what a crew. i'm still trying to get pictures of my new hawk, Willett, in her nest. she is absolutely gorgeous. a Coopers Hawk. she poses on a branch for me in the morning, but i usually only have my camera phone, so the pictures aren't so hot. Kaver never made it back to the nest this year, and a new couple are in town. the female took Mariah to the ground and almost killed her. she was rescued by human interveners and is getting excellent medical care, of this i am positive. i'm usually a proponent of let nature deal with nature, but am very very glad people stepped in this time...i mean this is Mariah. we have a bobcat in the area, along with the coyotes. and the owls have returned. i love the owls, but since they are natural predators of hawks, i'm a bit nervous of them being so close. all of nature is waking up...buds popping on tree branches, daffodils and trillium starting to bloom. it is such a relief to just walk outside without having to bundle up! i am going in to work tomorrow to try to negotiate an early release on wednesdays...i need my yoga class...last week proved to me just how "off my mat" i've gotten. my 4-footers have been playing pranks...i go to sleep with Diva all spooned next to me, and this morning i woke up with a paw on my cheek - a kitty paw. Diva was in her closet retreat area, and Pearl had snuck in next to me. it is an organized and determined effort to drive me to madness. never trust anything with more feet than you, that's my advice. i am headed to Boston in about 2 weeks...traded NYC for Boston. very excited. and depending on how my hospital claims get settled, possibly headed off on a Girl Expedition somewhere oceanic. i am never not ever putting off again. as $$ allow, i'm allowing it. and now - time for dinner. xoxL.

matters of the heart

3am...woken out of a sound sleep. chest pains. 3:30 wake husband. and thus begins a 15 hour odyssey in the Incidents at the ER. which include no food from noon sunday till 9pm monday, due to error, being shot up with benadryl and something else to alleviate the allergic reaction to IV dye, and oh - how could i forget? the ER lockdown when 2 gang members were shot and accidentally brought to the same hospital. all this with no cell reception, shower, toothbrush, or clean underpants. (well, they were clean, but after 12 hours, i need a little freshenup). will take you on this journey later. i am currently on the lam, just a bit, as they wanted me overnight, but i had had plenty enough by 5pm. so by 8pm when they announced my bed was ready upstairs, it confused me since they never asked ME how i felt about being officially admitted. i think if i was still alive after being in their care for 15 hours, i could safely take my chances at home with my diva dog and mommy. (i sent husband to Vermont to make some money to pay for this amusement ride. so i sit freshly showered, clean underpants, and hunger-migraine down to a tolerable level. i will now go eat. and ps, i am so chock full of radioactive gunk, i'll NEVER make it through the airport security. Linda

I was taunted and challenged by a friend to pick a time to set aside for sacred art time. trying to get back into my usual rhythm of life, i picked saturday morning 6am-8am. friday night, i set my alarm for 5:59 and pulled the covers up. somewhere around 2-3am, my hillbilly husband came in from some sort of ugly fish fishing adventure with his ManPal, and decided to watch some TV before falling asleep. i reset my alarm for 7am, figuring at least i'd get an hour in the studio, but would definitely need the extra hour of sleep. do ya see what's happening here? okay, so wait...still more. i felt guilty about the alarm clock thing, but figured my friend is in Japan and would Never Know. what i didn't know was, she had been in touch with diva by some sort of radar and at 5:45am, diva began nudging me in an urgent way. the minute i got up to let her use her potty, she snuggled onto my pillow, and i swear she gave me The Paw and said "go to your studio." so i did. and began work on the project i had dutifully mapped out the past couple nights. well, i say began. i began trying to work with the paperclay, but hated it for the job i needed it to do. so before i got frustrated and desperate, i sat down with a pencil and paper and began to write. and write. and write. i won't bore you with the details, but it was good. you see, i have a book i've been trying to read called Creative Awakenings. every time i even look at it, i get choked up. and if you notice, a few recent smarmy posts about people throwing themselves off the ledge hoping the universe will catch them? well, short answer: sour grapes. fear. that sort of stuff. so this book has scared me more than Monster Movie Matinee used to. the challenge of it all. and although i am quite certain in my soul and toes that i do not want to be a fulltime artist for the right reasons, there has been another Thing in my heart of hearts for so many years. and THAT is what has been hiding behind the word "art" in all the "leap for the stars" messages to me. yes...i am an artist. yes, i do believe i am a good one. but i feel my (forgive me for using this word...) Journey is another one. not to leave art by the side, but to begin to Live The Dream. i was in tears by the time i was done. it was a relief to know what the lurker had been in heart all this time. i will post more about that later. i'm still working on my CrowWoman, and getting tired! diva had a mixed review at her vet appt today ...she was very very good and didn't bite the vet, which surprised me...the vet doesn't know her well yet and just took it for granted that i would have warned her if there was danger. i thought i'd see how long she could go (diva) before the strain of being good gave out. she even had a spa day in the back without incident. she does have 2 tumors though. rather large. 1 is a fatty tumor which is no big deal to remove. the other...we won't know until surgery day exactly what it is. so a full day all around. thank you for being on this journey with me, y'all. now happy Easter, or Mazel Tov, or whatever you may celebrate....L.

so before the Blue Screen Of Death rears it's ugly head again...a quick post. first: Happy Easter, Happy Passover, and to all who are celebrating anything else: the best of it. so here's my new plan for Life: it's simple. almost mathematical in it's resolution. my priorities are this, and in order of importance (mostly): Diva, art, personal hygiene, sustenance, everything else. So, from Now On, weekdays will follow the same general rut -er- schedule in the morning, however, i will obey my body after....eat? sleep? play with dog? now, weekends...6am-8am sat - sacred art time. door to studio closed...IPod on earbleed volume if need be...no disturbances. throughout the week i will gel an idea to work on. after 8am - walk the dog, take a break, then start laundry and make more studio time. my pulse is racing already! this schedule should please any West Coast Stalker, and makes me happy. i fear Swirly, and will bow to her wisdom. sunday - much as it pains me...weggers. all this Great Big Life laid out like this is astounding, i know. however, the other Big Change is this: I will only be posting on weekends. i am too tired during the week to do anyone any good, and will end up being a downer, so hopefully i'll save up the good stuff and spew it forth on the weekend. this will save YOU time, as well...not having to check back. (i'm totally killing myself with chuckles here...as if the world is holding it's breath just waiting for my next post!) (although, according to my statchecker, there are readers in Germany, the Ukraine, Canada, Japan, and a slew of other places that don't even speak my language. go figure). in between posts, amuse yourself with Dad Gone Mad blog. he is one of the funniest people i've read, and now has a new book. i'm too tired to find his link, but google him. i'm also going to start belly dancing, if Lynn ever calls me back to book a time. (READING THIS BLOG DOES NOT CONSTITUTE BEING IN TOUCH... I DON"T KNOW YOU"RE READING IT AND THINK YOU'RE MAD AT ME!). love you Lynn. so i'm off to tickle diva's tummy...grandma stole her thursday and just returned her. no doubt with diarrhea as usual. i'll let you know how the Plan goes. you know me. L.

today was to be my Art Day...i crammed all my Chore-type things into yesterday...made husband do the laundry...and then woke up today with that focused, stillness that said YES to my artistic bones. but first but first but first. then it was 1 o'clock before i rolled out the canvas-y fabric that was to be the background to the backing of a quilt for G. i stared at it. and felt that old familiar lack of enthusiasm feeling...not for this project, because it is fabulous and she is fabulous...just a feeling of blechh, as they used to say in MAD magazine. i could just go nap for the rest of the day till it's time for bed. i have been chasing myself around for months now and don't understand the lack of ease in my own skin, or own Self. i feel challenged by my own art...a chip on the shoulder type of challenge. last night, as i dozed on the couch with the last flicker of firelight dancing in the fireplace, my eyes closed, and with a quick smell of woodsmoke i thought, "i hope the wind doesn't blow embers onto the roof," because my half-awake mind is not to be trusted. and i asked my sleepy self how i would feel if my studio were to be gone ...by fire or whatever means. and in that half awake/half asleep nether place, i thought "relieved." which probably accounts for my chasing a dancing muse on roller skates, as cheryl ann costa says. i feel out of sorts and somewhat unSelf-like..not depressed...just, well: BLECHH. it's as if the delicate balance was tipped when i gave over 2 more days to the Big Girl Job. when i was a news anchor, we had a girl that worked 4 hours a week as a reporter, and the rest of the time she was a waitress at a local restaurant. but when you asked her what she did for a living, she'd always say she was a reporter. newsrooms being the cold, heart-ripping, backstabbing, sabotaging places they are, we'd say that hour-for-hour she was a waitress who worked as a reporter part-time. but see now i understand better. i "AM" an artist....it's WHO i am. i now only have 1-ish days to work at it but i am no less an artist. i just hate to be in the middle of the flow of it all and have to stop to get my school clothes ready for monday and the bus. i may have to quit the big girl thing. but for now, i've probably sucked any life that you may have had right out, so i'll go be a dark cloud elsewhere. sorry. it's just those plates shifting beneath the crust. L.

the verdict: well, remember when there was a huge recall on contact lens solution because it was tainted and people were going blind? i thought "how lucky I'm wearing glasses for a while!" and went about life. well i finally got around to re-upping my prescription, got my contacts, and had this huge bottle of contact solution from before, so used it. der. you know the rest. someone has replaced my left eye with a fireball candy. oh so attractive, and feels absolutely brilliant....sort of like opening your eyes in a tanning booth. for 5 minutes. i would imagine, since that's one faux pas i've yet to commit. so i have drops and will likely make a full recovery. new topic. i feel out-of-the-loop. and not to drag last year around like a woobie, but last year was so very....everything. i quit smoking, i found my inner center, my spiritual place, and actually anchored it...my art - although not prolific as in the past - was special and meaningful, and had begun to speak to me again...i felt like every salad dressing commercial - very hip, very knowing, very Carole King. as these days drag by, i feel more left- brained or no-brained. very forgetful. very, well, empty. where things of wonder found me last year, i now find that i have to go looking for them. i seem to find them, but that quiet, gentle whisper of certainty...that almost clairvoyance with nature - not as evident unless i spend time waiting and searching. perhaps that's the lesson for this year....stop. look. listen. funny how it all comes back to the playground. and as my days become filled with work/sleep/work, i think i may miss my dedicated art time like a best friend at the end of summer camp. i've been trying to finish a quilt for a very special person since Last Year, and sheesh. last year i felt full and able...i felt like a nuturer. now, i just want my Girl Posse to hold me up and say nice things and remind me that things are not lost if someone remembers them. maybe i'm just tired. maybe i need a break. maybe as i suspect, Change is coming, things are shifting tectonically. maybe. but you know, right now i'm exhausted and feel a pointless ramble coming on, so night y'all. L.

so how do you know? it seems every area of my life has growing pains right now. and yet...i feel like this has been a year of non-growth...almost stagnation...i find myself in nearly the same mindset as last year...definately in the same living circumstances and job and all the exteriorly measured things on a checklist. but what did i crave last year? what did i want to strive for? what was my passionate wish to make true? i am here. it isn't a bad "here," externally speaking. i have no complaints about a steady job and nice house and food and all those things that make you silently touch wood or cross yourself gratefully when talking to others that don't have them. but inside...and the outward manifestation of that internal compass...where is that pointing? and am i pointing in the same direction? i don't think so. and i wonder why. things got busy. yes, but if a passion is truly a Passion, then busy can't get busy enough to deter you. am i afraid to make a move, so i stand cement-footed to my easy way of life? maybe. fear and i are old friends. but make a move from what, and to what? i'm not a person who can stand on the edge, close my eyes, and swan dive off into whatever-ness hoping that somehow i'll snag on a branch and live happily ever after. i'm the one who needs to see if there's rock below, or water, and how deep, and how cold, and are there any fish in it...any big fish? you get the point. i need guarantees. or at least a plan A and a plan B. i don't want to fling off my somewhat ordinary days for the unknown, having established that in my life, the unknown has never been kind. so, having also established that i don't really care to make art my full time job, what dream goes in the void? would i like to be a full time artist (as if it could be turned on and off with the clock!)...yes, i would. but not to depend on sales of sculptures and commissions to feed the belly. just to be able to create for the sheer expression of it...yes! but what a luxury. and why is that? so i sit tonight, with the best cup of tea ever, a quiet house, and my thoughts. and a gentle tugging and urging and slightly uncomfortable feeling that tells me Change is in the wind...the crows know, as they swarmed my house today. my time for Change is usually August...but hell, maybe menopause throws that off too. but i feel like some time in a totally inspiring environment is needed...an overload of the senses is in order...new food...new smells...news bright colors...and sounds...and at the same time, some extended, focused down time to re-set the course, gather the sails, and do whatever else sailors do to get their ship together and out of the safe harbor, and into adventure. ahoy y'all....L.

okay i owe you one

so after all the gloom & doom in the last post...i apologize. i spent some time in meditation & prayer this morning...more gratitude-giving than santa-gimme type prayer...reaching deep...settling in...being silent inside...and just. said. thank you. after of a few full breaths, began my day. the hamster wheel. but different. whenever i felt myself sliding a bit from that center, i'd take a breath and remember that spot, like a baseball player trying to steal 2nd...keep that foot on the bag...and return...and so in that spirit i took on my day in quietness of spirit...despite the chaos and noise and poorly behaved callers. and little golden carrots appeared everywhere...those carrots on the stick - just out of reach (usually used to motivate a jackass)...at lunch, i was in no hurry to figure out where to eat, and ended up in the Kitcheria downstairs. in line. behind the CEO. (now, i always seem to make a total ass out of myself in front of him, so i have vowed to be super-normal if he's around. boringly so if need be). so, knowing that the actions in parenthesis would be impossible, i plowed in and asked him if he'd been to the Delavan Art Gallery to see my art yet like I had invited him with the postcard. his reply? "i hate art." now this man was toying with me...seeing what i was made of. so i said, "perfect! give me your credit card and I'll pick out something nice for you!" while the mouth was delivering this light comedy, unencumbered as it was by the brain and all, the saliva glands got nervous, and began working overtime. yes, i may have spit on him by accident. at least it didn't hit the salad bar. will he forget the conversation? yeah probably. i imagine he went upstairs and said "find and fire that goofy chick with the saliva issue," then went about his day. of course i followed up this incredibly meaningful moment by almost knocking down the achingly handsome Indian man who's office is right by the timeclock but you can't see him in there unless you do a backbend and there is no way to make THAT look casual. so you never know if he heard you accidentally burp that night when you were fred flinstone-yabba-dabba-do-clocking-out. he doesn't punch a clock. oh so then on the way home, mom called to say i sounded so tired that she stole diva for the night. although i am in pieces missing her, it gave me the opportunity to stop at Barnes & Noble and use my Extra 15% off coupon on the last day! so i bought a huge HUGE annie lebovitz photography anthology book. slurp. i need a coffee table for it! so y'all, many many carrots today. and it all started out by simply saying thank you. so now isn't this a nice payback? L.

i'm not going to say the name of the drug i'm taking to quit that bad habit, but you know the one. it starts with a "C" and every time i name it in my blog, i get 1k emails from the company somewhat spamishly just saying hello. but THAT drug is whoopin my behind...i may as well not even try to sleep at night, for all that i wake up... 4 times an hour last night...i counted. of course, day sleeping seems to work fine, except when the boss comes by. and i'm all intensly weepy and emotional and depressed and of course it is entirely my husbands fault somehow and besides he picks the past 3 weeks to be out of town all 3 weeks except for a day here and there when he comes home to get his laundry done and bitched out for something. so i waver nano-minute by nano-minute between being so beyond pissed at him that i want him to move out, and then crumbling into a puddle thinking how horrible that would be, then coming back to center with the whole Whatever attitude. and of course, because this is ME...let's throw in some perimenopausal hormonal highs and lows, and sweetness, you've got a recipe for something toxic to be around, though somewhat interesting to watch from a safe distance. i do not know which end is up. it is EXHAUSTING to be me right now and i just want to crawl into my bed (yes INTO, much like Alice in the Looking Glass) and hide away for a while. maybe 6 months. do i stop the drug? do i keep smoking? which is the lesser of the evils? because each has their own special little nudge and hell. my dog is even disgusted with me, i'm certain of it. the cats could care less. mutual feelings there. well i'm going to NYC. with or without the husband, although he claims his schedule will be magically freed up the day i picked. maybe i'll just forget to get off exit 35 some day and keep heading east. the ocean is east. (right?) i sent him a meeting confirmation email. we have just lost that spark, eh? so name some places i shouldn't miss...some un-touristy places that you happened on by accident. now, i've written and erased about 5 things here that just sound so darn snippy even to me, so i'm just going to go to bed now. i am a slice of pie tonight, for goodness sake. so i'm off to puddle up my pillow. L.

PS: btw i am still sick and trying to do the full-time gig, so my posts will be erratic for a bit. not that Life Itself depends on whether or not I post. just sayin. now read below & have a good day y'all. L.

birthday belly

i am totally gone on this! my new interest. yes, i know i have no sense of rythym and can't do the chicken dance, let alone an ancient art form such as belly dancing. but inproficiency in an area has never stopped me yet. i mean, i've been married TWICE, right? so last night we gathered at King David's for an evening of belly dancing and mostly...celebration. it was my friend Lynn's 50th birthday. now, let me introduce you to Lynn. she is, in 2 words, unassuming strength. her story is not mine to tell, and i'm sure i have never appeared amazed enough, but trust me, her life would have absolutely destroyed me. but, with grace and strength, and always a smile, she just does what needs doing. and along the way, seems to have come out with an even gentler, wondrous spirit. she is The Woman that makes you feel like you need to be a better person. for yourself, and for reaching out and touching others. and the darndest thing is that i can't figure out she does it. she just....does. and so here are a few unauthorized pictures. i am totally signing up for this, so if you teach anywhere in a 60-mile radius, disconnect your phone. It's a family thing:

rich...?

oh y'all...can i just tell you? i have tried TRIED so very hard to deeply love these cats. every day. but the truth is, i just do not. i used to be a confirmed cat person. now i am not. i don't resent or despise or mistreat them in any way. they live a life some humans would envy. i do. but there is simply no love connection. and i brought this upon my own self. *sigh* it started when they, being cats, jumped on every single thing. and knocked every single thing down. my sculptures...ruined or in need of repair...my work table - desicrated. this morning just frosted the cake. (OH! CAKE! Happy Birthday QOTU!!!) this morning just as i was in a mad search for my keys which i knew just KNEW one of those fur-footed bandits had taken, just as, i hear that sound. you know the one. followed by a wet sort of sound that meant i was going to be late for work. now WHY in God's holy name does this cat not vomit when my husband is home? an answer? anyone? bueller? okay so that taken care of, and keys found (duh. purse. bottom. under IPod) off i go to another beautiful day. fast forward about 9-10 hours, and i open the door to my house (from the reverse side, as i am coming home) and it hits me...the nose is in full disgust. a 2-day cat box is no joking matter my friends. it must be husband was busy and forgot to empty it. so i weigh the situation...leave it 4 more days and move out, or empty it. ok. into the garage. now i haven't even eaten yet, and am pretty sure i won't be able to after. can i just say that THIS is what people do in hell all day? they empty cat boxes. i am sure of it, but have no reliable confirmation of fact. so there i am...slotted shovel thing in hand...trying to get this over with just as fast as possible... i am digging like Ben Stein's money is in here...this would never happen to Barbie, y'all. i tell you that like i know for certain, because no plastic cat would visit this abomination upon her. never have i ever seen anything like this. my dog just leaves it at the park. i carry a plastic bag and pretend to pick it up, but really now, do you think I am cut out for that?? eeooww. disgusto. and i figure she eats enough of it throughout the year to even things out, so i am guilt free on that regard. so the moral, if there is one, the bright moment where you can find a lesson SOMEhow in disaster is this: be very very good, my friends. or you may end up in a never-ending furnace cleaning catboxes throughout eternity. now. on to dinner. L. oh and PS: remind me to tell you how Diva sings actually SINGS in her sleep!

i've been trying to think of a way to say this without sounding all let-them-eat-cake, or like i'm unconcerned, cold-hearted, cruella, and blind to world events. let's start in the middle. although i believe that "The Secret" is an oversimplified crock that gets people's hopes up that the lotto is theirs for the asking, i DO believe that you get what you give. misery loves company. happiness never celebrates alone. (and yes, i am writing this in the MIDDLE of the day in the middle of the week...i am indeed home sick with a fate worse than death - NEAR death in the form of a sinus mucusality that has me dizzy and vertagious, and all forms of snot-ridden. so my recent yearnings to stay home were the pre-cursor warning that i would, indeed, be staying home, and should stock up on soup & Netflix. unfortunately, cat litter and cat food never crossed my mind.) so where was i? oh. so with that mindset in mind (blah blah Secret blah lotto, etc) bear with me while i gently rant, or surf elsewhere. i cannot bear another sentence that contains the phrase "in these times" or the likes. it is as if we have a national badge of honor that the economy is not what it has been in recent times. and i am not blind to the economic situations in America. it's just that we as Americans generally have more than enough. (and i am speaking in sweeping generalizations here). If not every Thing, we at least have Plenty. or at least Enough. and if not Enough, then have access to food pantries and such where Enough can be obtained. if you have More Than Enough, or even Plenty, please do not feel that it is an abomination to appreciate it or enjoy it. it is a gift. and if we are all stooping our shoulders and giving into the "in these times" attitudes, then more of that will come visit you. it does not make you thoughtless to live the life you are able to. it does not make someone else have less. it may, however, give hope to someone with Not Enough to know that there is Possibility...there is a reason to keep on looking for that job, or going to school, or doing whatever they are doing to make the next step. why rush to the elevator if it's stuck between floors? i am just so concerned with the state of national depression...more so than a national recession. and again...i am not unaware that there are people in desperate straits. i just don't think it helps anyone to act like You are if you aren't. it makes it worse. the money markets are driven by unseen inklings and feelings and maybes. wall street is a giant lemming roost, it seems. when one jumps, they all do. so my feeling is this...go about your business in your conventional way, as best you can. help those around you that need help...on your street, in your place of worship, close by your home or business. that is important and will be returned to you in immeasurable ways. have a vision board, yes. but also use your vision to help. and if you have been blessed, don't insult the Giver by saying it's nothing because of "times like these." the Giver knows exactly what times these are. yes, it is poor etiquette to do a neener dance about it all, just like on the playground when you got an ice cream and someone else didn't. but geez...you could share the ice cream and both of you would feel good about it, eh? my point is, i am not oblivious...i am not special...i am, however, grateful. and will continue to express that gratitude. and anyone who thinks that gratitude should not be, needs to talk to the Giver that gave me both the Gift, and the open heart to receive it. it was nothing by my hand. my situations could change in a nanosecond, and that is my deepest fear. but at this second of this day, i am in a comfortable home in a comfortable bed with soup in the kitchen, a dog snoring at my feet, and 2 cats that will soon realize they are having real tuna for dinner because i forgot i have cats and only bought food for Diva. i repent. i am grateful for You, my friend, for reading this, and hopefully understanding my intent. my life, as it is, is not so bad, and i refuse to act otherwise in order to be fashionable. neither will i shovel coals into a furnace of your fears. i will share. just let me know. L.

the sunday night stomach ache before the monday morning work thing. i begin to shed the bliss of the smell of Golden paints and gels and rusted things and my puppy's sweet paws as they stretch out to hold me...yes, she hugs. a proper hug. i miss her most during the day, and hope she understands i'm not leaving her by choice. the last thing i see as i go down the driveway are her little ears through the glass by the door. it breaks my heart. she's slowing down these days, and i hope the warm weather will bring grace to her bones as she suns herself on the deck. i'm feeling a bit unwinded the past few days... a helium balloon so many days after the party...but i'm hoping some rest and a warm blanket will do me some good, as well. these days i fight the veil that seems to drop without warning, rather than curl in and grab my pillow for the day. these days it seems rude to wish aloud that your days were not filled with offices and timeclocks...these days it seems like an obnoxious luxury to call in sick...these days...when so many ...so i plan what goos things i'll do with the "extra" money...what random acts of kindness...what anonymous surprises...and that keeps the clouds just out of view a bit. time for another generous helping of puppylove....sending you out bounty and bliss...and maybe a random surprise....L.

so i worry lately about this whole memory thing...or lack thereof. the short-term part. i can tell you stories from a year ago. 5 years ago. 30 years ago. but can i remember your name? mostly. and my precious cache of Big Words...hanging on by a thread. so as i am thankful i'm not under the pressure of working in radio still, it is becoming more stressful to work at a job that nonetheless requires a sharp verbal defensive attunement...a zorro-like mastery of verbage. perhaps it's lack of use - the past 15 years of my life being involved in jobs that required me to talk-the-talk chameleon-like with hookers and would-be suicides and drug dealers and wife beaters and kids with guns and wannabe hoodlums and malcontents and mopes of every sort. i think that's why my art widened and deepened and became my voice...the words i couldn't express...the words that walked out on the emotions and expressions still contained inside...my eyes taking it in...my heart and gut processing it...the ache and need to release it somehow...to try to share with you the good, the bad, the totally unacceptable and the purest nearly unexpressable bliss...but without sufficient words. it is asking a lot from art, and i guess it explains my frustration at losing studio time...it's like asking me not to talk for a week. (or actually...for a minute!). but the end result is some of the best art of my life. so if it's to be a trade-off, so be it. the art is so much more rewarding. i feel the frustration mount, though, in attempts to explain to someone just how important and special they are...to try to tell them about that spot of golden light they bring to the world...and listening as it fizzles into a tireless monologue as i search for the phrase i need. writing seems fine...just the spoken word. my former-former-former boss said when the kids were arguing or begging for something, his grandmother would tell them they only had a certain number of words to use in a lifetime, and they were wasting their words. when those words were up, they'd never be able to speak again. maybe she was right. at any rate, i have a bowl of lime sherbet melting at my elbow that needs the attention of my spoon. and in case time gets past me this week...HAPPY BIRTHDAY GAILQotu and AND LynnTheWarriorQueen! may this be an incredible, special, full-of-love and wonderful sparkly things year for each of you! i am proud that you call me friend! L.

oy

i can see now the posts will be erratic...my new schedule is killer. and to make matters worse, i have nothing Nothing to say, do to my lack of contact with the Outside World. unless you want to hear all the names i got called today. naw. bad bad words. some very inventive. i like to keep a score system...1 point for a common vulgarity, all the way up to 5 points for something new and unusual. if i call you by chance, and just spew random thoughts, it's just that i am craving your conversation and touching base, but have nothing in the experiential bank to withdraw and share with you from my week. (unless the aforementioned vulgarity is actually of interest to you). ah life. i can almost see Gerard Depardeau tipping his hat to me as he wanders past by cube...Thank Heaven for M^&^F%^B&*()**$!. ever crave a blast of IQ? come with me on bring your whatever to work day. so, anyway, here's a treat for you, courtesy of Swirly: not to be a simpering syncophant, but you really should buy her book now before Oprah touts it, and it becomes IMPOSSIBLE to find. and anyway, there are worse people to put on a pedestal. so it's my bedtime...way past in fact, according to The Schedule. so 'night y'all! L. as if i can sleep still wondering what exactly a ...oh never mind.

sand dunes & snow dunes

i promise i'll post pictures. but not now. i'm enjoying my last night diva-less, with a bonus of husband-less. i say "enjoying," but i miss my girl like cooked food. she'll be here when i get home tomorrow. right now, i'm basking in the screaming silence. no tv. no talk. no appliances. or fans. or telephones ringing. or...anything. just the tap-tap of the computer keys. what a nice weekend...i said Welcome Back to my lake...just stretching and pushing away the last of the snow dunes - huge Alaska-sized icebergs piled up along the beach...a dangerous temptation to walk out on, when suddenly a cave-in and you're whisked under water...then a long stretch of water beyond the bergs, and more white about 6 miles out...but what is it? it seems to move and shimmer, and a low, insistant humming sound accompanies it...oh the sight! hundreds of thousands of snow geese making their way north! i try to take a picture, but they're too far. i stand transfixed at the spotting scope, relenting only when it's clear i've taken too long a turn...then to the binoculars...suddenly a great white tornado forms as a group rises, adjusts position and re-settles...i wonder what they think...i wonder what it feels like to have an instinct so sharp and certain that they Know that Today is The Day to migrate...to form up in double rows with a leader honking the way...who decides who leads? nature is an endless source of amazement. i came home in the mood for a movie, and remembered i still had Nights In Rodanthe from Netflix. i love Diane Lane. there's a part in the movie where she's telling Richard Gere about herself, and being seperated. she says (loosely quoted) that when you marry, you become who you think you should be, and then little by little you compromise and give up pieces of yourself till one day, you only have a little left... and no one wants what you have become. later in the movie she tells her daughter that there are 2 kinds of men...one kind will help you become more than you ever thought you could be, and the other will make you become less than you ever thought you could be. both scenes were very interesting. i don't necessary feel that way right now, just so you know, but i think it's so interesting how we work off the dynamic of one another...how one person can make us strive to be better / happier / whatever, and how another just brings out the worst in us. recently, a friend of mine emailed me and told me, basically, that she didn't want to continue our friendship. and i had to agree. i apologized if i had made her feel bad in any way, but i had to say it was a relief. she isn't a horrible person, but we just brought out the worst in each other, and i'd find our conversations were just not doing either of us any good. maybe in the future we can make a different friendship...one with limits and boundaries. but it's funny how 1 person can affect the whole room...at work, there's one girl that so very clearly does not want to be there...and if you don't notice right off, then her huffing and bitching will clue you in. i have brought in a spritzer bottle labeled "Vibe-Rite" and spray it at her desk area and tell her to get her vibe right or else. she's nervous of me since the Crow incident, and will generally keep it to herself. fear this, bad-mood-girl. now this is an office filled with normal people, but the stepford thing about it is that i have never not ever in almost 3 years heard a single back-stabbing word...never has there been gossip or tale telling about someone (unless they're all talking about me and i'm clueless). which is amazing for such a huge organization. i hate gossip. i mean, i like to know all the skinny on everything, but i hate how destructive it is. and here i ramble. but i do promise to post some Lake pictures as soon as i get my lazy butt upstairs to the thingie that you put the card-a-ma-bob into. probably wednesday-ish. so y'all keep watch for spring this week. L.

guess who's back in the atmosphere?

(thank you Holly Knott for this image)(other show images at her blog - click on the sidebar on her name) Whew! i slept 12 hours last night! friday at work was a "who's on first" kind of day...i felt hung-over despite the fact that i only had a teeny few sips of wine. i think. the show is absolutely amazing! Caroline, the gallery mgr, has outdone herself on this one! it is sparkly and wonderful! the piece above is called "Flow" and it's 60x80 nuno felted into Shibori-dyed silk. please buy it...i have no way to get it home! The night was awesome...i felt like a rockstar! even Perfect Princess Patti's Knight in Shining Armor came...i am humbled. so enough of this...i don't mean to sound all blah blah blah as if i think i'm all grand and biscuits...just pleased and surprised. so don't think i've actually gone rockstar. i was told i must "revel in it" and am only doing what i was told. if you live around here, please don't miss this show - it is just really is All That And a Bag of Chips. today - finishing up an assemblage that may be a gift. and a gift that may be an assemblage. and...time to check on my husband's eagles! they're baaack! L.

guilty pleasure

it's hard to believe that just last week i was up and flying by this time every day...6:15am. yikes! this week started my new schedule - 10-7 - and i must say it suits me well, sleep-wise. i don't have time for anything else but work, but at least i don't feel so tired all the time. one factor that may be helping is: grandma has diva dog this week. it was better all around since youngblood is home for the week, and he doesn't appreciate the unique quirks of this special needs dog. plus grammy felt it would give me time to adjust to daylight savings and new hours without having to also try to fit in a walkie. i admit i miss that creature more than candy during lent, but i have to admit also that it's pretty restful being able to get up, dump some crunchies in a bowl for the cats and just take care of my business. what a trade-off, eh? so i thought i'd do a quick catch-up before i do a radio call-in segment in 3 minutes. don't forget the opening reception for my art show tonight. now why didn't i take the whole day off?? der. L.

i am

i am screaming through this project! as in- moving quickly and inspiredly. and after all the recent doubts and doubling back...this is the most important piece i've ever completed. i am in awe of it. i was blitzing along with it yesterday, then remembered i had to pick up more invites @ the gallery, so i flew down there - my hair somewhat in a clip, cement and plaster covering my hands, no makeup (of course...what is makeup, anyway??)...generally looking like the wrath of God had befallen me. so one of the other artists in the show is a woman who's work i have admired for some time..."admired" being a much more understated and peaceful word for what her work conjures in me. and she came in for more invitations too. when the gallery manager introduced us, she started going on and on about how she's followed my work and blah blah, then grabbed my hand and dragged me over to where the show was being set up...demanding i tell her about the process and what each piece was saying to her. and i don't tell you this to brag. no one and i mean no one was more flabbergasted than i was. here i was in the middle of my Should I Stay Or Should I Go phase artistically, and this woman, this woman with a full passport and Very Wonderful and Important work that i have dropped salty tears over...THAT woman was gaga over my work. and i cannot remember a moment when i felt more surrounded by a bright, loving light...felt more cocooned in arms that were saying It Will Be Okay...It Always Was Okay. i just feared the catcher on the other end of the trapeze was looking at the crowd instead of my hands outstretched. and so i came home, and held tight to the wonder of it...held it to my heart, whispered it to diva in words as good as i could muster. i Am. and will continue to be. and just felt so f*ing good with it all. and very very inspired and very very authentic and grown up. and i tell you this, only because you know that this is not a self-involved MeMeMe story...it is the result of months of feeling emotionally beat up...by my own self...by art...by my husband....feeling like i had been a poser as an artist...kicking art to the curb and saying good riddance...i guess it is true - the longest moment is when we're waiting for the other shoe to drop. well guess what? sometimes you live beneath a 1-legged man...only 1 shoe. so i glowed in my bliss...i took many moments to say grateful, heartfelt things to God, rather than the usual desperate begging for whatever - change for the tollbooth, or some other matter of importance...and when the gratitude deepened and i may have actually embarrassed God, He, in His grace, caused the cat to once again vomit. bringing me back to earth. but changed. and better for it. (i am convinced the great thinkers and spiritual leaders never not ever owned a cat.) on another earthbound topic...stepgirlchild, having alerted her mother, father, brother and me to her plan of trying out for America's Next Top Model, had a 3-ring circus of adults doing Any Needed to get her to the audition fully photoed and clothed with the required overnighted bathing suits, gowns, etc. (Thank you Thea!). her brother actually got up at 5:45am on a daylight savings day, and drove 3 hours to her, just to drive her to the audition and be there for moral support (and ogling no doubt). i finally texted Youngblood, asking just what was going on. apparently the line was really long and they had to wait outside, so she left. thank God. i give her props for gathering her girl power and getting her sh*t together asap...she did it and did it on her own. in 2 days. i woulda never guessed she had it in her! i wish she would have stayed, but, you know, it was a whim - not her dream/goal/career, and it was nasty cold out, so i see her point of view. would i have stayed out there? oh hell yeah. i mean not the ME here today, but the me from 20 (okay 30) years ago. but i am still proud of her. i didn't give birth to her, or raise her much, but i taught her things she should know - how to put gas in a car, how to make microwave hot chocolate, how to love Tiffany jewelry. and i know those 3 things will rescue her at various times in her life. so...what a full weekend, huh?? shalom now y'all. L.

now where was i?

sorry - i've been trapped in a life with 2 bulimic cats and a dog with an identity crisis. the cats also like to recreate that famous Gene Kelly moment from Singin' In The Rain. except in their own yark. so a speedy cleanup is required and has kept me on my toes. the dog. oy. never mind. so the stepgirlchild called me. called ME. from college today. never a good sign. she has a perfectly good mother with credit cards. i'm the Holder Of The Secrets. and The Fixer. i have quite a bag of dirt to someday hold over her head. unspoken, but we both know the day will come. today, though, she called to tell me excitedly that she will be trying out for America's Next Top Model, which will be in her town tomorrow or the next day and is doing a season of short girls...like, under 6'8". she is a gorgeous girl, taller than me, but a bit unprepared for some of the misbehavin' i see on that show. but maybe she'll be a fresh example for the other girls. or maybe turn into a crack whore. hopefully, she'll do what makes her happy, either way, and either way make enough money to pay her own tuition should she return to academia. which wouldn't be likely in either case, but here i ramble. her mom overnighted her some bathing suits, which hurt me to know that i clearly wasn't the first to get in on this news. should she see a pink plus-sign, i can betcha she'll have ME on speed dial asap. but anyway, still felt warm & fuzzy to be included. and wondered what my role was - what did she need from me? turns out ...nothing. she had planned to bring her bathing suit and a change of clothes to WalMart and have them photograph her. i can't even comment here...my visual mind is all a-scurry. anyway, cross your fingers for her...this proves to be an exciting weekend! new topic: i got my new contacts adjusted today - i mentioned that faraway was good, and close up was good, but medium was not so good. so he gave me a new lens to try in my left eye. my vision is now equally matched - i cannot see duke in either eye. do not drive with, or near me at night, y'all. new topic: i am screamin' through my assemblage that was inspired by Jonatha Brooke's song Sweet & Bitter Bowl. i was at a standstill and decided to organize a bit, then BAM. if you know anyone who wants almost every issue of Quilting Arts magazine...they are free for the asking - just pay postage, or come pick up. new topic: AT LONG LAST my tshirts are in!! so i can start hand-painting for the etsy shop! whoo hoo! ok enough chit chat....back to glue and rust and such. oh - i got the m-o-s-t unBElievable mail today! gail, (who's husband should be honored for turning his mancave garage into a sewing annex) that gail, sent me a teabag attached to a note "one precious bag." not just ANY tea...Pickwick STRAWBERRY tea...with real bits of strawberry...hark! the 70's and strawberry essential oil...drink it? save it? drink it? save it? DRINK IT! oooohhhhh! pure, warm, cozy cozy, cup o sex. it is remarkable. total bliss in a bag. i will honor the tea bag in a shrine when it will no longer work. i plan to get at leat 3 maybe 4 pourings out of this. thank you Gqotu! new topic: check out Skirt magazine! dudeloves...it is the swirlinator! really great essay...a must read! ok, i'm done. L.

yep - that's me in the bottom left-hand corner! i am so pleased to be included in this show...many of the other artists are people whom i've admired for a while, and i'm thrilled. so, if you made it here, thank you. i know that last post was a long & winding road, and i wouldn't blame you for fast forwarding through it. it's just that there is a shift going on within me...plate tectonics. the whole Turning Fifty thing may have started it, who knows, sounds reasonable, whatever. but as i worked at some jewelry this morning, thoughts continued to weave languidly around my heart...not quite settled, so not ready to rest. i came down for lunch, and grabbed my Pure Inspiration magazine (lovely magazine) and opened to any page. i HAVE to read when i eat if i'm alone. i had opened to an interview with Louise Hay. and a few paragraphs down, she was answering the questioner's question about when she started doing her "Hayrides." she replied that it was 30 years ago...when she was 50. when she was 50. she started. she started something unbelievably wonderful...30 years ago...when she was 50. the bolt of lightening hit me...so fifty isn't the beginning of the gracious decline into decrepitude? this woman, Louise Hay, began a global project. when she was 50. she BEGAN it then. yes, i know - you got it already. but it took me a few re-reads for the entire fabu-ness of it to seep into my heart. and that began to cleanse the anger i've had...at myself for not pushing myself harder...at my husband for being in my way...at my job for asking me to actually show up in order to get paid...at my mother (ah-ha!) for making me the parent when my father died...i had anger here, i had anger there. like Dr. Suess says: in a boat, with a goat, in a box, with fox...i had anger here and there, i had anger everywhere. well - i changed that last part. so as i sat back and held my breath, Anger came out came out from wherever it was...hiding here in disguise as righteousness, and there as justification, oh and here was a good one...over there as hurt and sadness. it's easier to be hurt and sad than to admit Anger. Anger is ugly and sticky. plus you can get over Anger, but hurt and sadness tend to linger a bit. so as i watched my vegetable soup get chilly and put on a second skin, i held each area of anger to the light, and bid it adieu. especially the one that had it's friend Fear with it. shalom...farewell. so i'll give the initial credit to Louise Hay, who 30 years after starting Something, appears to be going strong with what happened here today. an inkling turned idea turned realization. hoy! did i just lose 5 pounds of junk i was carrying?? L.

inklings and underpins

first some housekeeping, so to speak...am i the only one with 2 bulimic cats, and a dog addicted to ChewLotta bones? ok, new topic. so lately there's a trend in books...or maybe i'm just noticing them more...i think of them as the Just Do It books...the ones that tell you to just take a leap of faith - follow your dreams and the details will all work themselves out. for the past however many years (ok, Many), i had a Plan. want to hear? ok i was going to leave my Big Girl Job and just make art full time. wearable art to make the mortgage money, then in my spare time - my Real art. the sculptures, assemblages, jewelry. ahh yes. having been self-employed before (freelance advertising) and having owned 2 businesses (lingerie store, and import/export) i knew full well what would be expected. i was at the edge of the diving board, swinging my arms and pointing my toes...one...two..thr..wait! what?? bad timing...new car needed. and maybe new furniture. ok NOW...one...two...three...wait! What?? new husband...new house..new stepkids. let's wait a year. fast forward and repeat. and again. so i've spent a lot of my marriage feeling snarky towards my husband for - oops - what turns out to actually be my fear of taking that bounce and diving into the water. but is it fear, or is it just not meant to be? as in No- This Is Not Your Path. or is it meant to be ...but with my own swerve? so i held back and grit my teeth and held back and...became just a wee bit snarkier. and i despise snarkiness...a little becomes more and it feeds on your spirit till there's only the icky part left. so then - you know what's coming - i was mad for feeling snarky...mad at myself...mad at husband for making me feel snarky...mad at myself again for thinking it was him that made me feel snarky...then in exhaustion - mad at my art. i'm not sure why, but i was. i almost wished this sweetness of creating away, just so i wouldn't have this hamster wheel going around. and then came the fabulous women i came to know...weaving in and out of my life...artists of all sorts - painters, potters, poets, writers, weavers...all going about their lives As Artists. not filling in a loose moment with art as they schlepped to their day job and came home, cleaned the house, shop vac'd dog vomit, did the laundry. no they were just artists. so back to square one. then came the volley of volumes - follow your heart - here's how...step by step on how to Live Your Dreams. but...but...but...a few problems. i love my BigGirl Job. it isn't a career by any stretch of the imagination. and i think that's what i love. if i got fired tomorrow, i wouldn't care. i love what i do...i love the company...but i don't get my self-image from this job. and i have plenty of time to make art. or think about making Art. or decide if i want to make more art. so it seems that maybe the time to leap into the pool may be over - that perhaps it's time to wade in the shallows. or is it? now that the Big Girl job is demanding more of my hours, and arranging them in such a manner so as to prevent anything else during the week, it's almost down to a throw down - job vs art. can i make a living at my art? yes. but do i want to work that hard at it - producing, marketing, selling, workshops, shows, etc.? no. so what to do then? keep on with the journey as it leads? or swerve? is it selfish of me to leave my job to make art with no particular goal, other than the pure expression of it? do i feel like i don't deserve such luxury? is it just so, umm, hmm, so Practical that it seems wrong? and yet - what if i exchanged the word "art" for "shoe salesman?" what if that was my passion at a time when people were struggling, and i said I Want To Sell Shoes! would i think so much about it, or just go sell shoes? the whole thinking about all this makes me tired and dizzy. so why then do i feel so guilty when i read those How To Live Your Dreams books? and why do i buy them? so my question to myself...what exactly would i do if i won the lottery? what would you do? what is your burning dream, and do you treasure it as a dream...or live it as a dream come true? how did you know that it was meant to be lived, rather than just inspire you? tell me. L.

mind the mole

diva was barking her pretty little head off...not the usual I Own The Neighborhood And Surrounding Areas-type bark. this was the real deal...something in the yard. Coyotes...my first thought. i threw on the first shoes by the door and flew outside. she stood near the back - her attention riveted to the ground. too low, too small for a coyote. whew. on closer inspection, i spied a small, brown, furry little mole...the animal type, not the kind that grows on your chin. diva verbally abused this poor animal as it continued to dig a hole to hide in. (actually, i think diva was waaay overexcited at the prospect of a new friend). feeling badly for the mole, i scooped diva up and brought her inside. a few hours later, i happened outside in the same area, and there was the mole...laying still. i felt so badly. i know Diva didn't harm it, so at least there was that. later in the day, sitting in the eye dr's waiting for the drops to work, i thought about the lesson of the Mole. in order to really understand, google Moles, and check out their unique structure. although tiny (and fat!) they have a pink, stubby proboscus that they use to feel their way around. they have long, sharp claws to dig with. no eyes in evidence. so as i sat there with dilating pupils, i realized that the mole didn't sit there waiting to grow eyes, he used what he had to feel his way ahead. and when he seemed to be in the right spot, he dug for all he was worth. i don't know what caused him to die...i gave him as proper a burial as possible with frozen ground. but his life left me with a lesson...tiny and fuzzy, but a lesson all the same. L.

okay, so far today..i've had my moments of insight, taken them to the worktable with me to cogitate while actually making art. i undid everything i had done previously...bashing and chipping away at cement and Liquid Nails and rocks and glass. a few of the ricocheting pieces looked interesting when seperated from the front of the assemblage, and ended up getting re-attached with their smooge of cement still clinging on for dear life. now, i'm waiting for glue and cement to dry again. so i'll entertain you with some thoughts. sparklier than the last post. a while back, Swirly began reading and referencing May Sarton in her blog. intrigued, i ordered Journal Of A Solitude. i already had a dusty copy of At Seventy somewhere in my mess. from the 1st lines, it just pulls you in...i hear my mind saying, "yes! me too!" at different points. so not to be a copycat, here's one for you (actually for me...i'll share though): "I have made an open place, a place for meditation. What if I cannot find myself inside it?" and i thought...oh yeah, that's me. Sarton talks about pushing away the lives and needs of others before she can bring any frshness and zest into her work. double yes. that is exactly what has been going on here. there are so many things grabbing my ankles for attention...some necessary, some optional, some with 4 paws. even now as i write this, i have a cat jammed up against my right side trying to get my attention, and a diva dog on the left grabbing my wrist and pulling...she's got that flesh-ripping claw in there and won't be denied. it is rare that i get time alone....really alone....with nothing but emptiness in the "gotta" and "should" columns. i will do my best to cram everything in during the "free" time i have, but i think it will cause a great shift in what is essential. so....here goes. i urge you to read Sarton. Swirly is never wrong about these things *wink* L.

sleeping ghosties

when i first realized i was awake this morning, and before i opened my eyes, in that nether-time when you straddle the Dream world and the Substantial world...in that inkling of a moment, the breath of my thoughts felt like today would be an un-ordinary day. in a good way. i wanted to stay in that moment forever, swaddled in good intention and possibility...but that transfer of care from dream to light is so swift, lest a careless movement leave you forever in the divide. i awoke quite early. all quiet inside...winter hushed outside...the moon just warning the sun it was nearing time to trade shifts...i walked purposely slow, so as not to jar this mood away...down the stairs, the carpet squishing between my toes...cats fed last night needed only water...dog still snoring upstairs...i pour some coffee, go to the couch and watch out the glass wall for the changeover. inside, thoughts and shifts were coming to the foreground...held up for inspection, put aside or tossed out...the strongest desire - to complete an art project i'd begun last week...i worked it mentally for a bit, then, satisfied i was on the right track with my vision, breathed deep and began to meditate. or so i'd hoped. instead, great globby wet tears began rolling down my cheeks. what is this?? i had no desire to dance with my Shadows today. today i vowed i would do anything and everything to fight them down. but no - it wasn't the Dark Cloud veiling over my heart. then what? i waited until the Dust settled a bit, then gently examined what was left. much like in yoga, when you've stretched one side...i hear Clare now - "take a breath and feel each side of your body...what feels different?" and in those dark/dawn moments, with no one demanding anything from me...not even myself...i mourned. i cried for the loss of my art time, soon to come...i cried for the corners of me that haven't reached their potential - where i push them away either in fear, or in carelessness...i cried for opportunities that i let go by...all silent tears sliding, pooling, tracing down my cheeks into the folds of my laughlines and down my chin. and when the tears no longer came, a stillness took hold...and in that stillness, one thought: you are. and i thought I Am...what? and again: you are. so my thoughts began to list all the things i AM. and it's funny...all those horribly scary ghosties that keep us from doing the things we want, or believing the things we ought...it's funny how they start to look not so scary when you look real close at them...more like your brother with a sheet over his head hiding in the clothes hamper, rather than a All-Encompassing Tortured Spirit Who Knows The Truth. ghosties do NOT know the truth. and one of my biggest ghostie was the yourenot...as in You're Not An Artist. and his song sounds like this: "You're not an artist! guffaw. artist's wake up in the morning, slip on black jeans, and black turtlenecks and paint. all day. every single day. monday is sunday is wednesday...no matter. just paint paint paint. you don't even paint! You. Are. NOT. An. Artist. Go get a real job somewhere so you don't starve. go now." and you know, a part of my heart believed it. a part of me even tried to paint. and when that failed, it made that little part of disbelieving heart shake it's head and say I Just Knew It. but this morning, sitting in a puddle with the sun just stretching a bit, beginning it's goodnight to the moon, i realized...the ghostie was just a big bully. and the little part of disbelieving heart had fallen under his spell. i gently led the heart, (and shoved the ghostie/bully)to the window wall where my artwork sits precariously aware that the cats are facinated by it. and i said, See...here...this one was in a museum...and this one won me a grant...and this one was in a magazine...and on we traveled in my visualized conversation. and i explained that sometimes a person, an artist, must weigh their circumstances and needs of their family when choosing whether or not to make art their only source of income...and although i am perfectly willing to once again have a fulltime go at it, i did indeed make promises to another person who is expecting me to honor them. and the art is expected to remain fully accessible until it is Time for it to be expressed. That is my new deal with art. i will soon not have the luxury of Well then tomorrow maybe. and then i told the teeny part of the doubting heart that there is always a time for just a teeny amount of questioning, but that the ghostie needed to go find someone else and that the heart needed to shake it off and join the rest of the team. i know all this sounds so sappy, but it was one of the sweetest moments i've afforded myself in a while. i've been busy beating myself up over wasting time, and smoking, and gaining weight. i've been busy spending endless thoughts over my marriage. i'm the first in line to kick my own self. and this morning as the first beam of sun exchanged places with the beam of moon twinkling off the snow outside my window wall, i realized that I Am. and that is Enough to be. L.

oy am i tired tonight! i'm not sure how i'll do with 5 entire days in a row. it is alaska cold today...16-degrees with a breeze. even diva needed a "carry" home on her morning hunt-for-The-Perfect-Spot. (oh- side note before i forget- welcome Portland!) there was nothing exciting about my day to report and for that i'm thankful! tomorrow is a studio day! i am looking forward to getting a bunch o' stuff done. i totally hate the doors i made, but then realized i could flip them over and switch left & right, and the outside makes a decent inside. so onward. y'all have a sparkly night, k? L.

etsy update

thank you all for asking....a slight delay for opening day. it's all good...very good. you'll have to trust me. and pick a favorite color. gotta run! L.

is this not an incredible life? if you mix the good, the bad, the disappointing, the overwhelmingly wonderful all together...it makes a nice little cake. all in all, looking back, the worst of the worst had it's place....became it's lesson....eventually softened around the edges a bit so bumping into it on occasion didn't hurt so much with the sharp corners gone. it's been a very full weekend...xc skiing on saturday (of course falling down every hill)...the snow was once-in-a-lifetime wonderful..the afternoon proved just as wonderful as my assemblage began taking on life....inspired by, but not representational of, a song by Jonatha Brooke "Sweet and Bitter Bowl." go now and buy the CD, The Works. you will not regret it. the story behind is is flat out amazing too. diva and i scooted out for a walk both days. just wonderful. even the crowds in the grocery store didn't dampen my mood. and was the entire nation in my grocery store today?? i bought a container of Perry's Ice Cream: Dark Chocolate with raspberry swirls and some other stuff. Oh. My. God. pinch me. i got to talk to 2 far-away friends and my brother this week, and it just makes me smile thinking about it. yeah - i blathered. as usual. well, i'm off to set out my clothes for my Big Girl Job tomorrow. one last week of the Usual schedule. although i really enjoy what i'm doing so much, i almost showed up last wednesday. but then said, nah. plenty of time for that. so a warm & boring post. sorry no excitement! it's never too far away, though. i wish you huge smiles and Extra Special Moments this week. L.

hey swirly

made ya look! HA. and now for the rest of us...a little shameless promo here for the Swirlinator: she will have an essay in Skirt magazine coming up! very exciting!! buy it, read it, thank me after. you should accompany the essay with a viewing of the documentary about Henry Darger. it is an amazing story of his quiet and utterly remarkable life. there is little more i can say without ruining the whole thing, but just imagine..... (new topic) Now that our Winterfest celebration is over, the temps have plunged and the snow and wind are howling like a banshee. (what is a banshee by the way?) i do not want to go out for any reason. although in the spirit of getting along, i agreed to meet husband to go look at glasses for him. this is a traumatic moment for him, as he has never needed glasses till now. i say get over it. there are plenty more body parts just waiting for the warranty to run out, and the clock is ticking. trust me, i know. it looks like Maybe i have a reprieve...i may still have my part timeness in place next week too. good because i have too much to do to have to go to work also. i want some Dove dark chocolate solid easter eggs, a cup of ginger pear tea, a good book, a thick heavy quilt, diva (the one i imagine, not the one that jumps all over me when i'm trying to recreate a magazine ad for peacefulness.) (usually an ad for feminine hygeine products, flavored powdered coffee, or douche). and what about magazine and TV ads?? for a while, women were all doofy and constantly wearing pearls. i have never not ever seen a woman so ludicrously happy over making a stack o' flapjacks for the family, as the women in some of these ads. it was enough to make Mrs. Butterworth want to reach out and bitchslap that spatula-happy stepford wife. or as katie would say "i will slap the wrong right out of you, then proceed to slap the sense back in." (she never raised a hand). then, we were all career gals...but still very concerned about our scent and still wearing impossibly crippling spiky heeled shoes, and suits that were either Victoria Secret tight, or Charlie Chaplin loose. there was no place in the middle for someone not built like Barbie who didn't want to look like a man. a moderately feminine person, who cared about her looks, but was a wee bit cautious about flaunting what she did not have, or did not care to share with every other world traveler at any given moment. Then we trended into smart women who still looked good, but didn't make objectification their goal in life. they usually wore half-glasses, because their target market was aging too after all. and now, they chose their cosmetics, not to make their man fall at their feet writhing in lust, but they choose based on "science." you'll be as likely to see a white-coated professional hawking skin cream, as you will a successful looking, expensively dressed woman. and not a flapjack in sight. if children appear at all in the ad, the woman is looking at them in a sort of bemused way....like, who are these children? and they're blocking my camera angle. ad execs still are under the impression that we women haven't figured out that the person in the wrinkle commercial is 15 years old, and the poor bastard in the art dept has been up all night trying to put some age ON her...but just enough. and here's a huge secret...and i only tell you this so you can finally get off that Nordictrack and eat a piece of chocolate cake...the secret is that Everyone everyone has cellulite. true. the difference between my butt and Britney Spears? she has someone to airbrush those dimples off before we get a look on paper. so relax, y'all. it's all smoke and no mirrors. and no one i mean No One in hollywood has their own hair. how i got from flapjacks to weaves is anyone's guess, but i remembered what a banshee was, so it wasn't a total loss. go put a sweater on. L.

oh hello! and i ask you....is there anything like a vomiting cat at 5:45am to keep you humble? as you sit in your meditation closet feeling all super-uber and close to God and nature and feeling just a wee bit superior because of it?

my crows and hawks have taught me so much...today, Diva and I were on a walk through the Beechwoods...had just gone through the echo echo tunnel and around the first bend towards the little beaver pond...i glanced to the right, and just across the small stream - coyote. adrenaline. second look. incredible. the remnants of a fallen tree stump that looked Exactly like a coyote, coloring and all...well that served to wake me up a bit and sharpen my senses...that's when i heard the crow ruckus. crows are a funny lot...just as content to perch on a limb alone, watchful, as they are in their group...some Native American legends teach that the Crow is the Messenger - bringing messages from those who have passed, and delivering our messages. When you heard a group of crows all cawing and agitated, the only message they are sending is : GO AWAY! usually a hawk is in the area. or an interloping crow. and that's what the coyote/tree alerted me to on my walk...crowtalk. which got me thinking about crows, and how they interact and cooperate. in times of danger. in times of trouble. crows will fly in from all over, screeching and cawing the whole way. letting everyone know, the ranks are growing...i'm here to help. because, to help a neighboring bird will only help yourself, ultimately. right? so, let's switch to humans...if you've spent 5 or more minutes listening to the news, you realize that times are getting tight for a lot of people. there are two ways to weather the storm, i think...one is deny it - rearrange the deck furniture on the Titanic. and though this may work for YOU, it does little for those around you that may need you. the second way - live like the Crow. be alert for times when your neighbor may need you...maybe ask if they need you to pick something up at the store for them...maybe just go for a walk together...sometimes just that human contact is enough of a sigh-maker, a relief...someone else is out there! so the message of the Crow today was: gather and be community. be help. be family. (and in case you were wondering...yes, it was my hawk that they were unhappy with! naturally.) namaste y'all. L.

this or that

today i had a choice, and had to decide right on the spot....my job is changing - my Big Girl job, that is. in fact my whole department will be dissolved within a week or maybe 2 if it lingers. we had been warned this was coming, but i don't think anyone believed. and the deadline passed once, twice, three times. we were told to decide where our skills would best fit, and make a pitch...if we wanted to think up a whole new Candyland dept, bring it to the table. i brought 2. i do love this company. so while pretty much this whole town has folded up and blown away, we were doubling in size. again. just not my department. and i wondered how much longer the ride would go on, as i passed the newly empty Chrysler factory just before my left turn into my parking lot at my job. so today they pulled 2 women to train in other departments, and i realized there was a chance i'd end up in a mind-numbing job if i didn't take a hard look at what i was willing to give up in order to get a steady, reliable paycheck to weather through a few tough times. or was the steady reliable worth giving up for other things? think think. the boss backed me into a corner and almost demanded that i take one of the last interesting jobs left. they had originally created the department with me in mind. but i stood firm with my part time plan. they needed to expand that department. again i stood firm. having wednesdays and fridays off was just right, thank you. add in a few sick thursdays, and it was damn near nirvana. so now the rubber meets the road. but now...not so appealing to spend 3 days simply setting up appointment after appointment after appointment. no challenge there. and many demands placed on you with scripts, etc. yuk. so i plunged. and in a week or two, i will once again be fulltime, 10am-7pm monday through friday. i am mourning the loss of my studio time, but think perhaps now i'll make better use of the time i will have. i'm trying to line up a new yoga class. The Only Thing Constant Is Change, read my mantra in early January, given to me by my yoga instructor. sweet Clare. with gentle firmness she has transformed her little band of yoginis from awkward, struggling, inflexible students into some semblance of of pride. mostly. and then there's me..."Clare! i think i blew out my hara!" "sun salutation?? hellllo sun! i sit now." "oy you're killing me! did my husband call you??" we've laughed together. we've grieved together. we've tried to plan roadtrips together. but mostly, we silently agree to keep our eyes closed while we work through our practice, and avoid seeing each other grimace and groan. so i think that is what i'll miss most. Clare's yoginis. and i may try to work that in somehow...leaving early on wednesdays...mumble some doctor appointment hazy reference. because i have to tell you, the world just fits together perfect in that class. i leave feeling taller, prouder, more able than ever. and i don't want to stop. so here i am off on a tangent. but i am grateful for the job i have consistantly tried to quit. the job that won't let go of my ankle, despite how i've tried for 3 years to shake it off. and i will make time more sacred, once again. back before it was all a luxury, time was a sacred element to me...as precious as the air i brought into my lungs, and water that gave me life....time was a gift. and still it remains so...i got so used to a never-ending supply of it, that i took for granted that there would always Be Time. happens a lot, don't you think? so as i have been given a gift of a week or so with my precious "extra" time, i will try to honor every minute. and then, when my time is re-appointed, i will appreciate even more the time i can spend with my art. i expect good things. this feels okay. except for the yoga part. and i will be able to buy more art supplies! honor your time...you never know, eh? L.

rip off

sorry for the not-so-original post here, but this is truly worth the scorn of having ripped it of from ceanandjean.typepad.com ...a theme in my life has been Fearlessness...and oddly, for my surprise 50th birthday (turning 50 wasn't a surprise, i mean, i CAN COUNT...just the party was a surprise. and even that - not so much. but don't tell husband.) so anyway - one of the gifts i received was from an artist friend of mine, Amy, who made me a small bowl that says "fearless" on it. so the stars were pretty clear about what my mission would be evolving toward. so watch this then come back. i'll wait. done? pretty spanky, eh? that's how i feel. i have had a series of Real And Imagined Life Issues thrown at me this past year where the only way around...is through. and it took, and i suspect will continue to take, an amount of Fearlessness that i did not have inside me...that i had to grow and reach to, in order to move forward. or take 2 baby steps backwards, like in the video. i am a back-stepper of Lord Of The Dance proportions and skills. oh hey yeah. i can backstep, triple lutz with a twist in the pike position while making it all smoke-and-mirrors so you don't notice. and the best part was that i was able to wow even myself with this show. bravissima! but at some point, you realize that your feet are starting to get bored with the same 2-step and you think, hey ok, maybe i should add a small cha cha cha. so little by little, i began to dance. but i'd wasted so much time 2-stepping, that i had to catch up quick to join the march, so that's where i've been. catching up. and much like doubling up on semesters, it has been exhausting and tiring and tiresome and very difficult. and very wonderful. hard work brings good reward, according to Great Gram Mina (who was a twin to Minnie...and Mina could drive a Percheron team through the fields as well as a Harley through the streets. no helmet. no teeth. not a hair out of her hairnet-encased bun.) so now that i'm perfect...oh yeah right. ah-hem okay. and i had applied some of my lessons to my art before but it had been too hard to apply it to my actual life, till my art took a break from me, and the Brain had all this new-found information and nowhere to apply it, so the Brain said "Ah Ha - the Life! I'll apply it to the Life!" and as you may know, the Brain listens to nothing and no one but itself, and is very very stubborn once it convinces the Mind to go in halvsies and i needed a break from the angst of non-creativity, so i grudgingly said i'd give the Brain a listen. along some synapse, the message came out wrong, and this whole Life Improvement campaign began within the Brain, and was never checked into for a vote whether or not to proceed...it was a "go" houston. so back to the art example. at a certain point in a person's artistic life, and when the shine starts to wear a bit on All Things Stampington, you realize that your art is...Your art. and hopefully, Your Art. it does not have to look like Anything Anywhere, and hopefully will not. it does not need wings or coneheads or eiffel towers or be made out of the material-du-jour in order to be valid and wonderful and yours. and so, the moment where Life, does indeed, imitate Art...or at least my art theory. i did not need to wear this, or have that hair, or live here or there, or blah blah blah, in order to be Okay. and Good. and Wonderful. lightbulb. remember in kindergarten? Just Be Yourself. at what point does that message gets blurred to Blend in? Go with the Flow? Fit In? so i've spent one-third of my life learning to be myself, another third learning to fit in, and now...the third third will be spent back at kindergarten learning to be myself?? is that the best the Brain could come up with?? so with the fearlessness of my coyotes, and a box of crayons, i proceed. join me? L.

of course! a quick Happy Valentines Day to you all!! later, i will regale you with stories of dressing rooms and being stuck in shirts and dresses at Macy's. but for now, i must go breathe. and get ready to go for dinner...not in a new outfit. and by the way...since this IS the first day of the for-real Age Of Aquarius, does anything seem different to you? oh - also remind me to tell you about Diva vs. the Folksmarchers. tie goes to the runner. peace, y'all! L.

yes i know...it's been just a bit. well i have been mad crazy wonderful busy...getting ready for 2 (and now THREE) shows. i hope this pays off in cold American money. not to downplay the spirituality of the art, but it isn't doing me any good staring at me from my studio and livingroom. i made this art to be sent out into the world. i think just now i will be able to do that without remorse. only Hover and Icarus will stay forever with me. and i think Meyers. but the rest feel like they are meant for others and it's time. i have a few loads of projects started, and will welcome the time to work on them. the difference now, is that i don't feel crowded or overwhelmed by it all. i don't feel guilty to put one aside for a while or a year, while i get the bones down for another. it feels good artistically, productively, rather than the frantic fear of non-producing. it's not coming from a "produce-or-perish" perspective, and that's finally a good place to be in. i'm almost done with the BLACKFISH and CROW pieces. i was going to add them to my etsy shop last week, but want it to be just right from the get go, so i'll throw marketing concepts aside with Valentine's Day and do it properly. and what about Valentine's Day?? i must say, i'm not in favor of it. i call it a Hallmark Holiday - a day kanoodled by some slick marketing rep somewhere to sell cards, candy, flowers and diamond jewelry. i'm not being a grinch here...i just don't feel comfortable with One Day set aside to buy SOMETHING ANYTHING to present to someone because if you don't you'll be in Trouble. i want Something more often. (tee hee) and i don't want to be told when to send a card and worry if it's the right gift etc etc etc. yes - we are going out for dinner to a real nice place. but only because we have a gift card, and to ignore the holiday at this tenuous point in our relationship challenge would be like poking satan in the eye. so we'll overeat in the name of love. come home and fall asleep in front of the tv, and then sunday...car races for husband, and studio time for me! la vida loca. the non-smoking is coming along better than expected, and i realized yesterday morning in my shower meditation, that i need a strong Hand to hold me on this go-round. (seeing as how i've dropped a miraculous amount of weight and have regained concentration - the scales go back and forth weighing health vs. girth) and ya know, whenever i get a craving, i picture God saying - "here...take my hand" and i am able to get through it. so that's cool. hearing voices? just inner...no worries. what do you expect from a born-again jewish buddhist? oy vey. go in peace y'all...namaste and shalom. L.

oh - one more thing

i just read a post on Jane Wynn's blog that really hit home. it's at least a 3-Kleenex post, so be warned. it's about a man who had no one, or so he thought. and maybe so. but my point is this: i am probably the most constant communicator that you will ever meet. and the reason why is this...no one i know, under my watch, will ever doubt that there is SOMEone out there they can call. at 6am. or midnight. or 3am. (but it better be good at that hour). i will call you with no particular train of thought or purpose, just to touch base. i will email you just to let you know someone is thinking of you and wanted to say hi. it may tire you. it may annoy you. but you will never doubt that at least ONE person knows you are alive. and cares. and i apologize if it does tire and annoy you, and hopefully the day will never be yours that tells you "no one cares." but someone does. i do. i call my mother every morning at 8am, while i'm heading into work. she adores this. neither of us has anything resembling coversation, and the call may only last a minute. but it lets her know i am thinking of her. sometimes we get busy and think "i should call so-and-so" and don't....life is hectic. maybe that was the Moment they most needed to hear from someone. maybe not. but i am not taking the chance. so pre-apologies for interminable emails, and perhaps random calls. but know that i am just trying to remind you that you are so very special to me, and i care. and if you need me to listen at midnight EST or 6am, do not hesitate to call. don't worry that you'll wake someone up. you probably will and that's okay. truly. the phone is on my side of the bed for a reason. L.

i'm watching the kitties pull some play out of thin air...they spontaneously make up little games, and then...it's on! Diva ignores them for the most part, unless they get too close to her b-o-n-e. today i got out early (yippee!) and was finally able to get furry lovebomb for a quick walk before darkness fell..it's a little nerve-wracking now that the coyotes have gotten so close. somehow i feel safer in the daylight. with husband gone another 2 days, it's nice to have my own space. and my own pace. i work differently when i'm alone...not worried about making too much noise with my Cat Empire CD blasting, or the reverse - having my quiet time remain quiet until i'm done...or a cat knocks something off a shelf. and i ask you - why do they so not care? why are they utterly shameless after destroying something? they'll even sit proudly next to it waiting for you to notice. at least Diva knows she's done something she can't undo and it isn't a happy thing. oy. honestly - i never had a hankering for kids or cats. well - scratch that - i USED TO be a total cat person. after a few paw-less years, and the arrival of Kita, well, the tides turned, and i became a total dog person. so i'm planning a nice dinner-for-one (salad and christmas cookies) followed by some reindeer games with Diva, then reading in bed. it is almost obscene how much i love reading in bed. i just love it. all snugged up in a downy comforter, mug of tea, good book. don't let me kid you - i usually fall asleep by the 3rd sip, though. so i wish you each a chocolate-frosted day tomorrow...unexpected blissful happiness at some moment...and a wabi sabi moment to carry in your heart. L.