inklings and underpins

first some housekeeping, so to speak...am i the only one with 2 bulimic cats, and a dog addicted to ChewLotta bones? ok, new topic. so lately there's a trend in books...or maybe i'm just noticing them more...i think of them as the Just Do It books...the ones that tell you to just take a leap of faith - follow your dreams and the details will all work themselves out. for the past however many years (ok, Many), i had a Plan. want to hear? ok i was going to leave my Big Girl Job and just make art full time. wearable art to make the mortgage money, then in my spare time - my Real art. the sculptures, assemblages, jewelry. ahh yes. having been self-employed before (freelance advertising) and having owned 2 businesses (lingerie store, and import/export) i knew full well what would be expected. i was at the edge of the diving board, swinging my arms and pointing my toes...one...two..thr..wait! what?? bad timing...new car needed. and maybe new furniture. ok NOW...one...two...three...wait! What?? new husband...new house..new stepkids. let's wait a year. fast forward and repeat. and again. so i've spent a lot of my marriage feeling snarky towards my husband for - oops - what turns out to actually be my fear of taking that bounce and diving into the water. but is it fear, or is it just not meant to be? as in No- This Is Not Your Path. or is it meant to be ...but with my own swerve? so i held back and grit my teeth and held back and...became just a wee bit snarkier. and i despise snarkiness...a little becomes more and it feeds on your spirit till there's only the icky part left. so then - you know what's coming - i was mad for feeling snarky...mad at myself...mad at husband for making me feel snarky...mad at myself again for thinking it was him that made me feel snarky...then in exhaustion - mad at my art. i'm not sure why, but i was. i almost wished this sweetness of creating away, just so i wouldn't have this hamster wheel going around. and then came the fabulous women i came to know...weaving in and out of my life...artists of all sorts - painters, potters, poets, writers, weavers...all going about their lives As Artists. not filling in a loose moment with art as they schlepped to their day job and came home, cleaned the house, shop vac'd dog vomit, did the laundry. no they were just artists. so back to square one. then came the volley of volumes - follow your heart - here's how...step by step on how to Live Your Dreams. but...but...but...a few problems. i love my BigGirl Job. it isn't a career by any stretch of the imagination. and i think that's what i love. if i got fired tomorrow, i wouldn't care. i love what i do...i love the company...but i don't get my self-image from this job. and i have plenty of time to make art. or think about making Art. or decide if i want to make more art. so it seems that maybe the time to leap into the pool may be over - that perhaps it's time to wade in the shallows. or is it? now that the Big Girl job is demanding more of my hours, and arranging them in such a manner so as to prevent anything else during the week, it's almost down to a throw down - job vs art. can i make a living at my art? yes. but do i want to work that hard at it - producing, marketing, selling, workshops, shows, etc.? no. so what to do then? keep on with the journey as it leads? or swerve? is it selfish of me to leave my job to make art with no particular goal, other than the pure expression of it? do i feel like i don't deserve such luxury? is it just so, umm, hmm, so Practical that it seems wrong? and yet - what if i exchanged the word "art" for "shoe salesman?" what if that was my passion at a time when people were struggling, and i said I Want To Sell Shoes! would i think so much about it, or just go sell shoes? the whole thinking about all this makes me tired and dizzy. so why then do i feel so guilty when i read those How To Live Your Dreams books? and why do i buy them? so my question to myself...what exactly would i do if i won the lottery? what would you do? what is your burning dream, and do you treasure it as a dream...or live it as a dream come true? how did you know that it was meant to be lived, rather than just inspire you? tell me. L.