Saturday, March 21, 2009
so i worry lately about this whole memory thing...or lack thereof. the short-term part. i can tell you stories from a year ago. 5 years ago. 30 years ago. but can i remember your name? mostly. and my precious cache of Big Words...hanging on by a thread. so as i am thankful i'm not under the pressure of working in radio still, it is becoming more stressful to work at a job that nonetheless requires a sharp verbal defensive attunement...a zorro-like mastery of verbage. perhaps it's lack of use - the past 15 years of my life being involved in jobs that required me to talk-the-talk chameleon-like with hookers and would-be suicides and drug dealers and wife beaters and kids with guns and wannabe hoodlums and malcontents and mopes of every sort. i think that's why my art widened and deepened and became my voice...the words i couldn't express...the words that walked out on the emotions and expressions still contained inside...my eyes taking it in...my heart and gut processing it...the ache and need to release it somehow...to try to share with you the good, the bad, the totally unacceptable and the purest nearly unexpressable bliss...but without sufficient words. it is asking a lot from art, and i guess it explains my frustration at losing studio time...it's like asking me not to talk for a week. (or actually...for a minute!). but the end result is some of the best art of my life. so if it's to be a trade-off, so be it. the art is so much more rewarding. i feel the frustration mount, though, in attempts to explain to someone just how important and special they are...to try to tell them about that spot of golden light they bring to the world...and listening as it fizzles into a tireless monologue as i search for the phrase i need. writing seems fine...just the spoken word. my former-former-former boss said when the kids were arguing or begging for something, his grandmother would tell them they only had a certain number of words to use in a lifetime, and they were wasting their words. when those words were up, they'd never be able to speak again. maybe she was right. at any rate, i have a bowl of lime sherbet melting at my elbow that needs the attention of my spoon. and in case time gets past me this week...HAPPY BIRTHDAY GAILQotu and AND LynnTheWarriorQueen! may this be an incredible, special, full-of-love and wonderful sparkly things year for each of you! i am proud that you call me friend! L.
at 10:00 PM