i am

i am screaming through this project! as in- moving quickly and inspiredly. and after all the recent doubts and doubling back...this is the most important piece i've ever completed. i am in awe of it. i was blitzing along with it yesterday, then remembered i had to pick up more invites @ the gallery, so i flew down there - my hair somewhat in a clip, cement and plaster covering my hands, no makeup (of course...what is makeup, anyway??)...generally looking like the wrath of God had befallen me. so one of the other artists in the show is a woman who's work i have admired for some time..."admired" being a much more understated and peaceful word for what her work conjures in me. and she came in for more invitations too. when the gallery manager introduced us, she started going on and on about how she's followed my work and blah blah, then grabbed my hand and dragged me over to where the show was being set up...demanding i tell her about the process and what each piece was saying to her. and i don't tell you this to brag. no one and i mean no one was more flabbergasted than i was. here i was in the middle of my Should I Stay Or Should I Go phase artistically, and this woman, this woman with a full passport and Very Wonderful and Important work that i have dropped salty tears over...THAT woman was gaga over my work. and i cannot remember a moment when i felt more surrounded by a bright, loving light...felt more cocooned in arms that were saying It Will Be Okay...It Always Was Okay. i just feared the catcher on the other end of the trapeze was looking at the crowd instead of my hands outstretched. and so i came home, and held tight to the wonder of it...held it to my heart, whispered it to diva in words as good as i could muster. i Am. and will continue to be. and just felt so f*ing good with it all. and very very inspired and very very authentic and grown up. and i tell you this, only because you know that this is not a self-involved MeMeMe story...it is the result of months of feeling emotionally beat up...by my own self...by art...by my husband....feeling like i had been a poser as an artist...kicking art to the curb and saying good riddance...i guess it is true - the longest moment is when we're waiting for the other shoe to drop. well guess what? sometimes you live beneath a 1-legged man...only 1 shoe. so i glowed in my bliss...i took many moments to say grateful, heartfelt things to God, rather than the usual desperate begging for whatever - change for the tollbooth, or some other matter of importance...and when the gratitude deepened and i may have actually embarrassed God, He, in His grace, caused the cat to once again vomit. bringing me back to earth. but changed. and better for it. (i am convinced the great thinkers and spiritual leaders never not ever owned a cat.) on another earthbound topic...stepgirlchild, having alerted her mother, father, brother and me to her plan of trying out for America's Next Top Model, had a 3-ring circus of adults doing Any Needed to get her to the audition fully photoed and clothed with the required overnighted bathing suits, gowns, etc. (Thank you Thea!). her brother actually got up at 5:45am on a daylight savings day, and drove 3 hours to her, just to drive her to the audition and be there for moral support (and ogling no doubt). i finally texted Youngblood, asking just what was going on. apparently the line was really long and they had to wait outside, so she left. thank God. i give her props for gathering her girl power and getting her sh*t together asap...she did it and did it on her own. in 2 days. i woulda never guessed she had it in her! i wish she would have stayed, but, you know, it was a whim - not her dream/goal/career, and it was nasty cold out, so i see her point of view. would i have stayed out there? oh hell yeah. i mean not the ME here today, but the me from 20 (okay 30) years ago. but i am still proud of her. i didn't give birth to her, or raise her much, but i taught her things she should know - how to put gas in a car, how to make microwave hot chocolate, how to love Tiffany jewelry. and i know those 3 things will rescue her at various times in her life. so...what a full weekend, huh?? shalom now y'all. L.