Wednesday, April 01, 2009
so how do you know? it seems every area of my life has growing pains right now. and yet...i feel like this has been a year of non-growth...almost stagnation...i find myself in nearly the same mindset as last year...definately in the same living circumstances and job and all the exteriorly measured things on a checklist. but what did i crave last year? what did i want to strive for? what was my passionate wish to make true? i am here. it isn't a bad "here," externally speaking. i have no complaints about a steady job and nice house and food and all those things that make you silently touch wood or cross yourself gratefully when talking to others that don't have them. but inside...and the outward manifestation of that internal compass...where is that pointing? and am i pointing in the same direction? i don't think so. and i wonder why. things got busy. yes, but if a passion is truly a Passion, then busy can't get busy enough to deter you. am i afraid to make a move, so i stand cement-footed to my easy way of life? maybe. fear and i are old friends. but make a move from what, and to what? i'm not a person who can stand on the edge, close my eyes, and swan dive off into whatever-ness hoping that somehow i'll snag on a branch and live happily ever after. i'm the one who needs to see if there's rock below, or water, and how deep, and how cold, and are there any fish in it...any big fish? you get the point. i need guarantees. or at least a plan A and a plan B. i don't want to fling off my somewhat ordinary days for the unknown, having established that in my life, the unknown has never been kind. so, having also established that i don't really care to make art my full time job, what dream goes in the void? would i like to be a full time artist (as if it could be turned on and off with the clock!)...yes, i would. but not to depend on sales of sculptures and commissions to feed the belly. just to be able to create for the sheer expression of it...yes! but what a luxury. and why is that? so i sit tonight, with the best cup of tea ever, a quiet house, and my thoughts. and a gentle tugging and urging and slightly uncomfortable feeling that tells me Change is in the wind...the crows know, as they swarmed my house today. my time for Change is usually August...but hell, maybe menopause throws that off too. but i feel like some time in a totally inspiring environment is needed...an overload of the senses is in order...new food...new smells...news bright colors...and sounds...and at the same time, some extended, focused down time to re-set the course, gather the sails, and do whatever else sailors do to get their ship together and out of the safe harbor, and into adventure. ahoy y'all....L.
at 9:23 PM