sweet sunday

after much chaos and advil, i delivered my husband to the airport this morning. i knew it would be pointless to try to make any meaningful art, so i decided today was My Day. now - talk about the monkey mind...the possibilities were endless...lunch with a friend? paint the bedroom? on and on. i took the long way home and at the last minute, made a sharp turn into the hardware store. my budgetary downfall! tool shopping is the equivalent to some women's shoe shopping. or fabric shopping. i love tools. an hour later, i was feeling a little more relaxed. i headed home, and stopped at the bookstore on the way...my 2nd biggest downfall. yes, i have a magazine addiction. truly. i stocked up and grabbed a few novels for good measure. the sun is warm, and a cool breeze is keeping it just perfect in my backyard. today would be an Amish day. i grabbed a short stack of magazines, and brewed a pot of Tiger tea...the spicy aroma calming. i could feel some tension releasing. Diva laying at my side...kitten curled up by the slider inside (on diva's hidey bed behind the chair). a few resin pieces curing n the sun. i read Jo's intro in the Where Women Create magazine, and knew there was Something Important that would happen amongst my cedar trees and rhododendrons this afternoon...something that needed the peacefulness of my garden to be heard. i read and read. and came across more than a few artists that i have connections to. and thought...I have had enough. enough of my job. enough of soldiering through each day and week, only to try to cram in laundry and groceries and housework and time with my husband and time with Diva and- oh, yes - time with myself and with my art. there ARE enough hours in a day. it's how you spend them. and i realized that if i continued to spend them the way i have been, there would be nothing left. i have given all i can to my job, and it has given me a paycheck, for certain. but it has taken far more away. i dreamed of re-doing my studio, and making it the sacred space it should be. and then the most coincidental thing happened. i checked my email, and there was a note from a woman who had reached me through this blog. she had seen the article in Crescendoh, and contacted me...would i consider making a memory quilt for her from her husband's clothing? i had stopped doing memory quilts for a while, after a particularly sad one stole my sleep. although i had said No More, i would, on occasion, make one for a friend. Coincidentally, I had just cleaned off the sterling and resin and beads and gemstones from my worktable, preparing to (finally) finish a quilt for my angelfriend. i had begun feeling the urge to work in fabric and fiber again. the woman said that her husband had died many years ago, and she just couldn't bear to get rid of some of his shirts and ties. she had hidden them from her children, lest they donate them to Goodwill. i told her i would give it some thought and get back to her later today. another email...a request for the same. the memory of a father, held in soft cotton workshirts. now, 2 requests do not make a career. but i've somehow always known that it gives me deep satisfaction to design, construct and present these treasures...i am filled with deep gratitude and am humbled by the trust given me by strangers that i will respect and care for their precious last ties to their beloved. i have never looked at my memory quilts as a business...they are far more than i can express. i know that i am able to bear another's grief. i know that i am conscious of the care that must be taken with each article of clothing, or each picture presented. i am also aware of my boundaries physically and spiritually. and i have never regretted making a single one. i sometimes don't know the recipient ... a gift given from the heart from one to another. but mostly, there are conversations and memories shared over tea, through email, or the phone. once i've opened my spirit to begin to accept the honor of making these remembrances, there seems to be a steady stream of them that find their way to me. never too many at once. usually one after the other is mostly completed. i like to focus on one at a time, giving it the attention it deserves. it often takes a few months to complete one...embellishing it with Lodge pins or beads or bits of lace or pictures transferred to fabric. there is no set formula or design. i listen. i follow the direction it wants to go. and there is often surprise and wonder in the face of the recipient "How did you know...such and such?" I didn't. i just listened to what i was told to do. this may be how i spend my days to come. it is a gift to me. a perfect gift. how will the bills get paid? i don't know. but i have decided that it cannot be with my spirit. so i will once again open myself to the possibilities that art may just save me again.

my husband and i have very different traveling styles. i will pack weeks before a trip, then unpack and repack numerous times. i am usually ready hours before i need to be, and could probably read an entire book at the airport while waiting to board. he, on the other hand, will wake up (late) on the day of departure, discover everything he wants to bring is at the dry cleaners, or hiding somewhere in a closet shelf drawer no this shelf no damn it where is that oh look at this i need to read this article about trout fishing what's on tv now what was i doing where's my coffee play with the cat clean litterbox do dishes start laundry make a list of things for ME to do while he's gone where are my socks damn it i didn't pack casual shoes tease the dog honey where's my blue shirt damn it what time does my flight leave damn it i didn't print my ticket/itinerary/etc damn it the printer needs ink honey where's the ink i just bought (2 months ago) MEOW well stay the*bleep* out of my suitcase damn it honey where's ...well, you get the picture. we are now T-minus 5 minutes and i stopped counting till the time we need to leave if he is to catch his flight. his anxiety level is high. he is getting into the shower. now. he will no doubt be distracted by lint somewhere and begin looking for a lintbrush. he will attempt to make a list (verbal) of things i should do while he's gone, as if i'm not going to be working all week. and AND he's decided today is the day he will quit tobacco products. as if. so he will be in full dervish by the time we hit the airport exit and i will be exhausted in a flop sweat. my mouth will grow rigid from holding back words i long to say (scream). but i know this is how he rolls. every time. and if he does not make his flight, then i know that there will eventually be another one. and it is not my issue. so right now, i will breathe. and crack my neck and open the trunk of the car. and take some excedrin. the birds are singing. the sun is slanting through the trees. i am making a hummingbird for a very special girl. i am alive and i am grateful. nope. not working. okay...rinse and repeat. my complimentbot : you look so hot it almost hurts

inspiration needed, you say? go here and follow the links....you. will. groan.

crack monkey

a few posts ago, i told you about this....sorry - call me shallow or whatever, but i start each morning clicking refresh like a crack monkey in a lab...I could never spend enough time with you...that color really brings out your eyes...Makes me blush like a prom date. i'm still humble though. Another bonfire on the cul-de-sac last night...i found these gi-normous marshmallows that are vanilla & strawberry flavored. despite my No Sugar rule, i had to try one. yummy, addicting, and totally sickening. the kids loved them! that much sweet, sticky goodness in one sitting is just waaay over the top for me. a friend of one of our neighbors stopped over. a very interesting guy. he was just finishing his training for JetBlue on 9/11. he was across the water from the event, and saw it unfold. he said Jetblue management grabbed them and handed them credit cards, with the task to find and help any/all people they could. he immediately booked the entire hotel where they were, began ordering baby supplies and hygiene items and all manner of basics. then went out to find & help people. now that is a corporate philosophy/response i can dig. he continued on, and it seems he was at, or just left the area of, many other disaster scenes. i moved slightly away from him. but vowed to fly jetblue whenever possible. well, off to Dr Eva. this is Diva's first ride in my new car...i'm hoping her little nails don't go through the seat. have a beautiful day!

paying it backward

i love doing this... a year ago, i was given a starbucks gift card. every morning, i'd stop on my way to work and go through the drive-through. one day, i got an idea...i presented my gift card at the window, and told the cashier i wanted to pay for the car behind me. she started laughing and screamed "I love this! one day we had it going for 2 hours! every car would then pay for the car behind them." so once a week (near payday!) i'd pay it backward. the starbucks near my job closed, so i started it up at dunkin donuts. what a cool thing! i get the Good Deed buzz from paying, the car behind me gets a buzz from being gifted, and maybe the chain continues! the challenge is to drive off and sneak into traffic before the recipient can catch up. have a lovely weekend!

Last summer, I had the incredible good fortune to find myself sitting by a crackling warm fieldstone fireplace, in a rustic 3-sided room with 60 or so of my new best friends. we munched popcorn and watched the documentary "Who Does She Think She Is?" and then listened to the words of an incredible woman. Jenny Doh. I've never seen her not smiling. she radiates grace, and peacefulness, and maybe just a twinkle of mischief. and she has created a universe, Crescendoh. and today, I'm am grateful and thrilled to have a few of my words and images included. scroll way down to the bottom. to be included in such incredible company is humbling. art creates such a family...such a sisterhood...and, as Jenny says - art saves. as i alluded to in my brief statement there, art saved me from the chaos of first my father, then my husband dying. years apart, but my gyroscope lost center equally (and differently) in each event. the constant: art. I am an artist because i have to be...the images and constructions fill my head and demand to be brought to life. but i am also an artist because it is what saves me. it is my release valve after a stressful day...it is a meditative act that calms and centers and renews. in 1982, i became paralyzed...woke up with a sore elbow and shoulder. 4 hours later, i was paralyzed. for 3 years. time spent working harder than i thought i was able in physical therapy. a family of physical therapists diagnosed my condition and they worked to restore my limp body and devastated spirit. i recall weekends spent in the Adirondacks at their private summer home...tentative to go near the water lest i go under with useless arms and legs refusing to pull me to the surface. it was in those days that i met Penny... and although i haven't seen her in many years, she remains my role model. but back to art. i believe there is no distinction between "art" and "craft," and wish the discussion would end. i believe that each of us has the expression of art within us...whether it manifests as cooking, painting, creating a home, or relationships...they are each creative endeavors and come from the same place in the spirit. i believe that if you grow that spark of a child within you to a warm campfire and again to a blazing bonfire, then greatness can happen. and i believe that each of us has greatness within us. it just needs to be given the time during a busy life to burst out. that's my philosophy on it all. grab a crayon and hit the walls!

oy - 2 posts in a day...trying to keep fingers warm, i guess! i am in such a good place right now, i just wanted to ooze a little gratitude. as i counted my blessings this morning while my monkey brain was settling in for some meditative time, such a sweet smiling feeling melted over me. i have a warm house (now!)... my art feeds my spirit as my spirit feeds my art...i have a golden shawl of true soulfriends that never cease to inspire, captivate, make me laugh, hold my head up, hold my heart up, kick me in the butt (when needed), and just generally be some of the coolest women on this planet! and they, in turn, allow me to hold their hearts when needed, and inspire them, and make them laugh, and kick their butts, as well. when they say friendship is a two-way street - it's true...there is no feeling as heartwarming as knowing you have a place in someone's heart, and their life. reaching out for a hand shows the other person you trust them at your most vulnerable time. because we're all big strong women and need no help, right? *smile* there was a year in my life that i moved, or helped someone else move, 5 times. in a year. packing soup to nuts. and by the 5th time (my personal 2nd move), i can tell you, the Big Strong Woman was melting in the 90-degree heat and the no-show help..just me and my roommate. so we did the best we could, which in the case of 2 not-quite-right, very exhausted people included putting our hair in ponytails on top of our heads (think Pebbles & Bam Bam), sitting in the front yard with the garden hose down the front our shirts and singing Dancing Queen for all our worth. with belated apologies to Abba, it was just the trick. and when the transvestite 2 doors down heard the commotion, he called some friends and we had the best dressed moving crew in the history of UHaul. and some relieved neighbors that the furniture was going INTO the truck, not coming OUT. but we reached out, in our own way...made some new friends...got the stuff on the truck and headed down I81 to our new homes in the same town...me, my friend, and a few unloading volunteers. what a sight. shoot I'm rambling. i guess the main points are this: Life is Good here and now...open your heart and your hand and don't be afraid...when help comes, if it's wearing taupe taffeta and pearls and Brut by Faberge, pour a Corona and let the fun begin.

Happy mother's day! no matter if you're a mom to a 2-legged or a 4-legged. i am grateful that my mom & I have been able to thrash through our nasties and have established a relationship. it isn't necessarily textbook perfect/healthy, but there it is. we have reversed roles to an extent, and we have each accepted our part of the equation. so it's our little thing. yesterday's community-wide garage sale was interesting. this was the first time in 8 years that the weather didn't play nice - with cold rain and 40mph winds. i snagged some UberCool elements for some assemblage pieces, as well as some crib bumpers and flannel blankies for the baby ducklettes and birdlettes cages. now y'all know i don't drink, right? so bearing this in mind, i had a teeny tiny little glass of wine, maybe even just a toodle more at the friday night neighborhood bonfire. but not more than that. all i can say is saturday was not my favorite day for intestinal harmony. following the garage sale-ing and after much napping and water, though, i felt a surge of normalcy. i say surge but i think it was more like a glimmer, but it was equilibrium in a pathetic sense. so i turned my attention to Macy's, and to procuring a blacklight. (2 separate hunting lists). Macy's. wow. i haven't shopped for clothes in way too long, and was so tired of the black pants/brown pants odd/even day trade. and it's spring (although there is snow falling outside my window. yes snow. i can't even talk about it right now). all those fresh inspiring colors...lettuce-y greens, corals, pinks, buttery yellows. and i bought them all. sorry. my fashionista has been cooped up way too long, and although my sense of style was nowhere to be found, i figured if i wore colors that made me smile, then that would compensate for any faux pas i may be rocking. still looking for pants that fit, but that may be less the fault of designers and more the blame of Doritos. i am at peace with my butt. and double chin. and whatever other melting, sagging, enlarging areas of my body make those pencil thin pants and cropped tops look not-so-much on me. this body has been kind enough to carry me through whatever adventure the mind has thought up for us...the least i can do is be grateful to it and respect it and honor it. and i did just that at Macy's. there was a lot of respect. 2 bags full of honor and gratitude. and since husband was wandering the mall, there was no hiding it. we have moved into a really cool groove...spurred on by trips to the family counselor, all 4 adults in this extended family are claiming back their authority and their adult-ness, and it really has made a huge difference. we are all heads of our respective households, and there will no longer be children in charge. and that knowledge has given the non-bio adults the breathing space they need. to know that the triangle is no longer there sporting a child at the top of the food chain is very liberating and empowering. and it feels good to know that you will be respected and backed up, rather than made the fall guy. it is a theoretical thing right now, but soon enough will get some actual playing time. i don't feel as though i have to start slinging bricks and mortar up around my heart in anticipation of a coming storm. i am praying that everyone else can stay strong and keep to the plan. if not, then i explore options, but i have a strong sense that a new era has dawned. and it's about time!

whew! big thunder last night...which means diva danced across me most of the night...until she remembered her Safe Place - the tub. she howled from there til i woke up and put a towel down inside for her. then ... silence and sleep. some pretty good opportunities are peeking around the corner at me...too soon to tell what may take hold, but i have a peaceful, calm assurance that all is as it should be. and that, my friends, is a very good feeling. have a happy thursday y'all!

i want to take a moment to thank all of the creative, strong, wonderful women in my life. and honestly, when i stop to think about it, i have truly been blessed by you...it's like a brilliant shawl wrapped around my shoulders, your friendship is...and i want you to know how deeply and truly i appreciate you...because as you know, our conversations are often on-the-fly, only-have-a-second, verbal vomit and too-da-loo. i want weeks to spend talking, laughing, crying, getting over it, and doing whatever we want. no - months. but in my scattered way, i try to show each of you how much i appreciate you and am grateful for your friendship. that is my morning thought today. it makes the sun shine in my heart. xoxL

testing testing

okay - no more Hindi titles!

ओह यू

ok i left the title in whatever language it seems to prefer...anyone? Buehler?? having a bad hair day? maybe a jeans-a-little-tight day? or maybe just An Average Day. go here and i Promise you'll smile. In other news, i may have quit my job accidentally today. i spent all weekend getting over Friday's meltdown, and went to work today filled with gratitude for a job, such as it is. and despite a hard perusal of the classifieds yesterday. there was actually a job listed at my company that sounded interesting, though i suspect it would be half the salary. but maybe, i daydreamed, i could leverage an extra vacation week out of it. after call #1, all that went down the toidy. i stood before my manager and declared I Can't Do This Anymore and told her there was another job within the company that i was interested in, so she wouldn't get blindsided by rumor and innuendo. she was kind in suggesting that she knew of another, more appropriate, opportunity that was hush hush and said that i should bring my resume in tomorrow and she would put it in the director's hands. it just seemed to move so fast. i mean i felt like they breathed a sigh of relief "thank God she's going!" like they've been waiting like christmas for this moment. and i may have mentioned that to her. but in a round-about way, like, "you know it's my secret fear that i tell my husband i'm leaving, and he's already packed my stuff and had it waiting in a closet." something like that. then i went back to my phone. but suddenly realized how i had been believing the lie that the fear had been telling me...that i HAD to stay there and that there'd NEVER be another single opportunity for employment Anywhere ever never in the world. but suddenly the pea soup cleared just enough to see that i wasn't bound to my desk and that Something Could Change and it wouldn't be some big hairy deal. so, now i have 2 maybe possibilities. you know, that is - if IF i can get my resume to come off the damn disk that pierre made for me as my old computer breathed it's last digital gasp. remember that? my resume is stuck in there. in that disk thing, and my new computer does not have Word, as i had a snit when i found out the new computer only came with a trial version of it. i said HA! no way. i'll use Open Office like the IT guy said. and i have used it with much glee and for free, except tonight at a critical juncture in my horoscopical and jobwise-ical life Tonight i can't get it to download. and i can't hand the director a disk thingie with all other manner of personal items god knows what on it. although we have discovered that a manager has a very frightening and disturbing nasty boy website. how do we know? he uses his real name. so anything i may have on the disk that won't open would be far more polite. i'm not freaking out just yet, but will leave you so i can further cajole this to spit out the resume. and perhaps make a trip to pierre's house, wherever that may be, and hold his grasshopper pie ice cream hostage till he fixes what he has wrought. and anyone have any thoughts on why my titles keep changing themselves into some non-english characters? i hope it's nothing bad, or worse - a signal to some Very Bad People. ok - disk disk disk

SWEET SATURDAY spending time with some furry lovechildren... the fragrance of basil wafting through my window... some new brilliance in my garden... visiting my art - for the last time in this gallery...thank you Delavan, for all that you've given me... momma and her new chicksies... all in all...a big Ahhhhhhh

so...my apologies for the recent stew of woe-is-me posts...actually not so much woe-is-me, as there's no pity party here...just not as bright and shiny as hoped. yes, it is true that my job is just driving me to the edge, However...today i will grab my camera, hit the woods, be grateful for all i have, and use some pretty spanky tricks i learned in Susan Tuttle's workshop to present you with the Good and Twinkly portions of my life that i've not given equal time to. i feel better already. monday be damned! now - off to shower and hit the trail. thank you BHW for your beams!

this week has been a giant hoover vacuum cleaner set on "super suck" and it's sucked away my energy...my brain...my good humor. i had serious doubts as to whether i would return from lunch, but couldn't leave my co-workers stranded like that. this time. it is very much time to find another venue. very much time. but for now, i'm going to do all i am capable of...pour a glass of riesling, and lay down in the warm grass. i'll wait for night to fall before i decide if i want to get up and come to bed. just a word here: be very very nice to any and all customer service people you encounter - especially over the phone. do it for me. even if they are less than helpful.

can you believe we had real, live snow today?? yes - snow. none of it stuck to the ground, but it wavered between a cold rain, then BAM snow actual snow! diva is not that thrilled...for an Eskimo dog, she does not have an inclination to go out in cold weather. i just wanted to remind you locals that Friday at 7pm is the gathering at the Delavan to mark it's closing. i won't say "party" because when the doors close for the final time, it will leave a great void in the Syracuse art scene. Bill Delavan and staff have worked many years to promote local artists, and to showcase some remarkable art. many artists have continued on to national spotlights, and many, already in national spotlights, have always felt a warm place for this gallery. i have to say that it is one place where i never feel high maintenance. Caroline is always there, smiling, and working with the artists to bring about a special magic. the vibe is always good...not pretentious but certainly not embarrassed about asking a fair price for the work they represent. they work hard. and hopefully know just how much their efforts have been appreciated. and hopefully each artist has, indeed, appreciated the gallery and the people that make it what it is. it may take a few months for the reality to sink in that they are gone, and Caroline will be operating a smaller space there. i urge every artist, and every art lover, that has been touched by Bill Delavan and his wonderful dream to express to him, and to the staff, exactly what they have given you. i, for one, had my first Real Artist show there, and remember every detail. and remember that there was no question, concern, or insecure moment that was insignificant to them. for that i thank them. i wish you well, Bill, and please know that i have the highest regard for you...i wish you peacefulness and joyful times with your family, and that every kindness you've shown is returned to you tenfold. And Caroleena, you have my unwavering support as you step out in this new venture. don't be scared...we're all here with you! Linda

ok... a nice bonfire with good neighbors...throw in some good wine, but not too much...2 golden retrievers...a handful of kids all jacked up on smores...now there's a recipe to cure the blues. (i tried to list a title, "An evening recipe" but it kept changing to arabic characters...strange)

i'm up for air for a few minutes. thank God for art, can I just say that? didja ever have a day where that blue cloud just settles over your head and tries to creep down into your ears and invade your brain and every i mean every step and movement is a futile pointless struggle? where you go to the store to buy some glue just some glue and hope to make it home before you just give up and lay down on the ground for good and there in the middle of the store you hear a song (Linger) that just makes you gulp back big tears and you wonder if you'll make it out of that place in time? the song, the bonfire, the smell of the woods in September...tugging at a spot that yearns for the Girls. what is it about stores and me lately? but aside from last night's near-miss, and today's altogether different near-miss, i am just plain funked. so i figured if i at least played with some art, i'd be distracted. and it worked. somewhat. enough. and there's a bonfire in the 'hood to look forward to tonight. so that's where i'll leave it.

it's been a week. and that's all i have to say about that. surprisingly. but when something is so incredibly good or bad, it's often hard to find the words to express it. and in the case of the latter, which was My Week, all you can do is have a glass of wine. or two. or, in my case, since i don't drink...shop. so at 8:30 last night, i decided i needed more resin. the nearest place was closed - Hobby Lobby (and don't get me going on the discussion of corporate morals vs. my need for resin after 8pm or on sundays). but wait - if i drive very fast, but carefully, i can make it to AC Moore. ok. so i get there with 5 minutes to spare. how do i know i have 5 minutes? the clerk informed me when i walked in "you have FIVE minutes." 1 minute later she makes an announcement over the loudspeaker that sounded like this "iuerwfieqbcie TO THE CASHIER NOW cbuehyclohqdcn CLOSING." i grab who-knows-what-but-not-resin and head for the cashier. smarmy girl cashier. smarmy stock boy had already locked the doors, in case some other freak tried to force their way in, making them late, no doubt, for the underage drinking party they saw on facebook. a very pale couple had slid in behind me, and there was much consternation afoot. i asked the cashier if they had resin, and she said Walmart Is Open Til Midnight. i paid for my who-knows-whats and thought "Walmart...midnight..need stuff." the pale couple heard this too, and i felt a kinship. now, i am already sinking into the blue zone...i need a new job, my husband felt stressed so he headed up to the Manly Man Huntin Camp to fish for the weekend, and here i was...a perfectly good companion/friend who had had one of Those kind of weeks...scouting craft supplies alone on a friday night at 9pm. torn between feeling lonely and needing craft supplies, and guilty for leaving diva home alone after she waited all day (a milliion years in dog time) for me. wally world is on the way home, so i head over, with the Very Pale couple behind me. maybe we could all get a slurpie later? and just as i pulled into the parking lot, i felt so Loser-like. i am shopping at walmart on a friday night ALONE, save for two people that i have struck up an imaginary friendship with. even THEY have each other. woe is me. so i figure this will be an in-and-out trip...grab the things i'm looking for and head home...ooooh but there's the tshirt rack, and some other altogether shiny and twinkly stuff calling me. i browse. and then it hits me...i have to pee. not in a while...now. uh oh. i'm as far from the door as is possible, and you know i Will Not use a public restroom. not gonna happen. and it's starting to give me a headache and i have my arms full with a bag of cat food, a play ball for diva, an air freshener (that i don't recall picking up, for the record), an undercounter mounted light fixture (WTF) and a fluorescent long tubey bulb for it. no resin though. and then i spot the One Thing that will Change My Life..way down on the bottom shelf. where i have to bend over to get it which would squeeze my full-as-a-sponge bladder but i have to have This Thing...so i sort of teeter sideways, balancing my cartload of stuff not in a cart but in my arms because i just needed One Thing which is none of the things impeding me right then. and try to swing/swipe my right arm hoping to grab it like a brass ring on a carousel. missed. bend a little lower and swing/swipe again and the pressure, the pressure i tell you, is unlike anything ever experienced by any other human, of this i am sure. it is volcanic, to be current. and i am certain if i am not successful, i will never not ever return to this store. not even at christmas for cheap decorations. never. it will be worse than when fergie had her mishap. because this time, it would be Me. swing/swipe SCORE! but now, to move from that position would be a disaster, so i sort of hang there like a frozen statue, praying to the bathroom gods for mercy. and to the regular God that the security cameras are broken in my area of the store. and i see, just down the aisle in another section, i see a display of Depends, and think Well Of Course. and will myself to stand upright like my God-given right in the chain of humanity and tippey toe tippey toe scuttle to the cashier who was light years friendlier than smarmy cashier. in fact, so friendly was she, that she wanted to discuss every thing i was buying. i almost just left it all there, but i had already swiped my card. i can finish this story quickly by saying Thank God for the cover of darkness in my driveway, and Bad Kitty for tripping me up as i vaulted toward relief. you decide if i made it. i will not publish the result here. and later as i drifted off to sleep i thought, What a strange and pathetic end to the week.

no - i didn't fall off the edge of the earth, and i'm not ignoring your emails! i'm have issues with my server and either haven't been able to get into my email, or haven't been able to send any (or both). sometimes, if i look nonchalantly the other way and hit SEND real quick, then whistle a bit, an email will slide through the void. so that's where i'm at, virtually speaking. artistically...well, similar. i just read Jenny Doh's new book and am totally inspired. i just need some time to put it in action! last night, i grabbed some gesso and slopped it on some muslin. after that dried, i scribbled some watercolor crayons on top, then wet it and sprinkled it with some twinkle dust Pearl-Ex (but just a little) and then splattered some alcohol ink on top. i actually like it. and i'd share it, but alas, the same gremlin that stole my email has floodlebuzzed my picture thingie. but it felt so good to watch my hands move like an artist's...to feel the colors...to have no purpose for making the art...just to smoosh stuff around. and i think that's why i like painting - it's not my "real" artform, so there's no pressure to put on myself...whew! what a relief! i'm really feeling the need for a GirlTribe gathering...a meeting of spirits ... two or three or twenty...a bonfire, some hot chocolate or a glass of wine, definitely smores, and some good soul-talk and giggles. work has been energy-draining, with the new girl finally gone. it's a relief on one hand, but now we're down to 2 of us in a 5 person department. so i'll cut this short and get some sleep. just wanted to check in before y'all forgot me! L.

play

some advice: if you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging. (passed on by Rika)

it is 7am...i have been up for 3 hours. my intent was to make some jewelry for an upcoming event. the Silence...the Spirit...had other things in mind for me on this chilly morning. In the quiet of the Silence, i heard doors creaking closed - my art gallery announced it's imminent closing...my wished for work-from-home position not to be...and a growing unease with my lifeplan. funny about plans. i resolutely sat at the worktable in my studio with the plan to make 3 bracelets today. the only light coming from a task lamp clamped to the edge of the table in my cozy soldering/jewelry making nook. all was well. somewhat. and as is the case when the mind is engaged elsewhere, the heart begins to speak...gently, sometimes, but often with a startling bolt of revelation. my Silence has learned to speak loudly and get to the point quickly, as i have filled every nook & void with Things To Do. so there i sat...Diva snoring quietly on her woobie next to me. and my hands worked. after an hour, i took a stretch break and picked up my newly purchased book, Hand Wash Cold, to read a few pages before bending over sterling wire and gemstones once again. and i never got past page 6. i am hoping i don't trample any copyrights here, but the words hit me between the ribs so effectively, i have to share: "You might think, for instance, that the life you have is not at all the life you had in mind, so it doesn't constitute your real life at all," oh boy. then, paraphrasing a bit, Karen Maezen Miller says 'We are most devoted to the life we don't have.' ouch. and my hands stopped. and in a blaze of understanding, i saw what had been, and what had become of my life - in particular, my relationships and tethers. it's not that i feel i'm a horrible person. i believe i am a DogFriend - loyal, trustworthy, and fiercely devoted. however, it's how i spend my time that was the focus of this pinata-like attack on my natural choices. I have been an artist my whole life, but never claimed the title until about 5 years ago. and that set up this scenario. if i was an Artist, then i needed to spend my waking days making Art, right? but the thing of it is, is that i need to work at a traditional job to make money to help support the family. and/or my art supply habit. after buying those supplies, i needed to use them, having spent all that money on them. because i worked outside the studio during the week, that left weekends and stolen scraps of time. but, if i am at my bench when i'm not at my Big Girl Job, then when is there time to develop the kind of Golden Tether with my husband, my friends, my Diva? see, i imagined that my "real" life is that of a fulltime artist. since that wasn't possible, then i became prickly and selfish with my time. it's an either/or thing for me...either i leap and hope for the universe to catch me by quitting the BGJ, or i settle things in my heart and know that Art will be my part-time passion. i would still be an artist - it is who i am as much as saying i am a woman. but the need to spend every waking free moment in the studio Along With a BGJ does not lend itself to time for other things. so i stood in my freshly painted spa-like bathroom, smoking, and pondering. while my mind pondered & tried to undo the tangles of thoughts to make a beautiful chain, my spirit remembered how nice it felt to work on a project together last weekend. and how sad that our conversations, in the unlikely event that they occur, our mostly information-vomits about our day. or the weather. now, i don't take full responsibility for the malaise that has settled into our marriage, but i am certain that my time in the studio has not done a lot to help. see, i was devoted more to the imaginary life i thought i wanted, than i was to the life i have. and had become resentful and regretful that i had been put in a situation where i had to squash my dreams and live...an ordinary life. gasp. like millions of other people. oh my. and the flash of a thought hit me, mind spirit asking why i had calendared in pen on the fridge today & tomorrow and the rest of the saturdays & sundays "jewelry" when i felt so lonesome for human contact? my spirit asked me, quietly and gently and directly with an unwavering look - why am i spending all these saturdays and sundays making jewelry when my heart was headed to My Lake or to play with Diva? and i answered "to get ready for the event." and the next question came quickly "what if you just didn't do to the event?" answer: then i wouldn't have to make all this jewelry. Question: then what would you lose? answer: nothing. And on it went bees buzzing back and forth, but without the sting...just gentle revelation and a veil lifting. i was more devoted to my imagined life, then to the one given me at this moment. and the fault does not lie anywhere but within me. it is not my husband's failings. it is not because of the events that happened after my father died, or my 1st marriage, or any other thing. they may have changed superficial circumstance, but if you know me, you know that i would have made my dream life a reality if i had wanted it to be so. it is so much easier to live an imagined life, then to face the reality of it. and so, as my resin dries, and the sun begins flooding my studio with that velvet early light, i am peaceful, and overwhelmed with the work ahead of me...away from the table...spending time repairing tethers with friends, brothers, puppydogs, and importantly - a husband. to see if time away has rotted the ties, or if ties were meant to be held loosely, or if time spent will strengthen those that were meant to stay strong. i will dare myself to read past page 6 of this remarkable book...later. right now, i have things to do.

groan*sigh*ohhhhh! go now and buy "Hand Wash Cold - care instructions for an ordinary life." Karen Maezen Miller is an extraordinary woman I met at Squam the first year I went. although i am absolutely certain she has no idea who i am, our brief time together made an impact on my life. to say I want to BE her, is just, well, creepy, but the peacefulness she exudes (yes "exudes" is the only way to put it) is like anesthesia for a poor, stressed out person. you know when you have a good book, you subconsciously pet it adoringly...you don't want to finish it but you can't stop reading it? that's this book. she is not some pie-in-the-sky type of person...she is normal...she does laundry...she is wise. okay...enough. but buy the book. ************************************new topic. went for dinner at a nearby sushi place. word to the wise: if you walk into a restaurant that serves raw anything as it's specialty, and you are the only ones there at the dinner rush...trust your gut instinct and leave. or your gut will neener dance on you for some time. i will close now with that thought. quickly.

you know, it's strange getting older. i still feel like i'm 20-something, but then i catch a glance in the mirror and EEK! there's my mother looking back at me. i worry that i'll be like that creepy/cool aunt that does not act her age...still wearing long denim skirts and peasant blouses and saying "right on!" (like my sister). i feel like i'm coming closer to knowing mySelf as the seasons change (daily here in upstate NY) and, though frustrating at times, is an easy feeling...laying back in a small boat on a sunny day, being gently lulled by the current. and the truth is that i DO feel most like mySelf wearing long skirts and peasant blouses and all manner of gypsy-wear, and don't say "right on," but lived in a time when everyone did. not just Canadians. and yes, i can rock a mullet, but choose not to. so i look at the clothes i wear to the cube farm everyday, and they don't say "me." and my hairstyle doesn't say "me." and something in me fights this - is confused...so i've become rough-edged and prickly...walls and barbs. but that little twinkle inside kept shining and fighting it's way to the top and kept reminding me of who i am ... deep inside. and now, the excavation continues. a few years ago, i started slowing down, mentally & intentionally - paying better attention to the details of the blessing of life that had been gifted to be...paying better attention to the things i allow into my life - good & bad...and i was amazed on both counts. so i began to weed through things, and clear out the things that were choking out the room for the good things. then rested for a while, and my creativity blossomed and my opportunities opened up. although i feel that i am true to myself, i don't feel that i project that...in my dress or, sometimes, in my speech & reactions. so i feel a softening of the edges beginning to work in me...a breaking down of the last defenses and

while your leetle bunnies are getting hopped up on candy, remember this

okay.

i've updated the paint-o-rama story & added some pictures. there was so much more contained in the day, such as Beautiful Stepdaughter stopping by at 10pm-ish to see the new bathroom, look for blood, and perhaps collect on a bet. while here, she talked of a planned summer semester abroad, and has it narrowed down to China, Japan or Africa. she has recently decided her passion is interior design and/or urban planning. kind of both, which i think is very cool. she has also decided that spending weekends wasted and barfing is not the way to go about life. which is a relief. although i would not try to influence her decision on where to go for her semester, i did bring my computer down to show her Swirly's flicker from Japan. i mean, talk about urban planning...she was totally in awe of the population density (her words) and we may have made an impression. plus she heard that outside the 2 main cities of china, there are no bathrooms inside. never been - can't confirm. and when she said the words "population density" i knew my sweet, beautiful stepper had learned stuff. and i knew i would work double-secret-triple overtime to pay for any degree she wanted, because she was not wasting her time & our money. and i won't step off that happy thought to compare. the whole extended family (meaning bio & step parents & children) seems to be tensing and gearing up for the train wreck that will be coming back to town in May. we are learning new skills and new boundaries. it will not be pretty, but we have all talked and will stand united. God save the Queen. but enough of that. It's easter, and as near as i can figure, that's a marking point for rebirth and renewal. i suppose the Bathroom Project is a good example. So i wish you all a rebirth of all that is good within you, and a renewal of energy and spirit to accomplish all that life has for you!

paint-o-rama - the completed story

okay - y'all....we are at Hour 5 of the paint-o-rama, and not 1 drop of paint has seen a brush. i beseech you to pray hard, as it would be a stone ground shame to be incarcerated on Easter. i will update as time allows...which may be frequent, as i am not allowed to do anything. i will update on this same page, so as to create a cohesive and step-by-step account for my attorney. i believe the pictures will tell the story, and feel that i would not be convicted by a jury of my true peers. peace be with you...it should be somewhere. **************************************************************************** some quick background...my husband and i discovered early on in our marriage that we cannot, under any circumstance, work on a project together, we each have our views on why that is so. i will tell you mine, since this is my forum. and because i am right. he is a man. a man with undiagnosed A.D.D. (undiagnosed, except by me). he is unable to stay on task. i am glad he isn't a fireman, because in the midst of a blazing Signal 99, he would see that there was a spot of grease on the Big Red Truck, and have to go clean it. there may be a touch of OCD also, because before we could begin our Plan today, the dishes had to be done downstairs, and the laundry started. just as we approached Commencement Of The Project, he decided to change out the light socket thingie that you plug things into. we are now into hour 2 of "is it on?" as i run the stairs into the garage & hit the breaker. such trust. diva is outside on this glorious day, but only wants to be where i am, so she sees me running the stairs, hears the garage door open and starts wailing. each time. every time. i have made a list of project steps, as told to me by the Project Manager, then broken each step down into bite-sized pieces, hoping that will do the trick. somewhat. i am the Project Bitch...grab this, hand me that. however, i spackled. i admit i am a good spackle wacker. oh oh - i hear cursing and a power tool. **added note: to be fair, I am a great Organizer Of Things, only because i have learned to corral my A.D.D. energies within a list. by that i mean, i look at a project (be it getting ready in the morning, or taking over Canada) and become so overwhelmed, it could cripple me & send me running in the other direction. so i break it down into it's smaller bits. and a small bit is easier to deal with. rather than some gi-normous EVENT, it is just a series of tiny things. my lists are long & detailed. i recognize that husband still sees the whole EVENT as One Big Swirling Vortex and doesn't know when/where to jump start in...like double dutch jumprope. so he walks in circles getting all freaked out as the swirling tornado threatens to consume him while people stare at him expecting him to lead them to safety. this is where beer helps him...he has something to blame it on. we did this project without the assistance of beer, (i don't drink anyway. he does), which in itself is amazing. i think the condition of youngblood's life has made him see the light. but back to the point. i have to talk him down, make him breathe, and show him an abbreviated list. like - get in car, drive to border, take over canada. easy peasy ... 3 steps. so yesterday's list was prep bathroom, paint, install light fixture. within the list, there may be a billion steps, but this helps calm him. then comes the fight against the OCD. he can spend countless hours removing one tiny piece of something from the wall. (see photo above) (nice headlamp, eh?) i say "we'll hang a picture over it." we shall have many many pictures in this bathroom. ok - back to our story. **************************************************************************** 1:45 ...nope - no paint yet. ************************************************************************** 4:16 ... ceiling done. and word to the wise - never not ever should you use sand paint. do not. it is heavy. and after whining that all i've gotten to do is shpacle, i was given the joy of rolling. i hate edging, so it seemed like a treat. that baby is heavy when loaded with sand paint. heavy. and you get one roll per load. just one. ************************************************************************** well, as you'll see by the pictures i plan to post, it's done...and mighty darker than what it was supposed to be. but we're still getting the light fixtures back in, so i'm hopeful it will brighten up and be more spa-like than cave-like. it was early when i went to get the paint...i may have pointed to the wrong stripe on the paint chip. but i will love the hell out of it anyway. because it is done. i also sneaked in a little chandelier. i have been just dying for a blingy twinkly chandelier for a year now. so i grabbed one at the home store this morning, along with a look that said Do Not Test Me On This One. now, no blood has been shed, which is amazing. our 1st project together with no threats and recriminations. i do believe we have worn each other out in the past 8 years!. more to come.... ******************************************************************** it is mostly finished...still need towel racks and shower curtain installation, and you can see by the pictures, we still have a Very Brady Harvest Gold tub & toilet that came with the house. those projects must wait for another day. in the far far future. a future without tuition and taxes to pay. and we want to savor the moment of having completed this project with no unkind words or bloodshed. and besides, husband remembered he has to go out of town tomorrow. and i have the day off! if only i had some copper sheet to work on some jewelry, but that's scheduled for later in the week. not that i can use my hands...my entire body is limp & swollen from holding a paint roller and running the stairs. and today, there is an insistence upon painting the hallway up the stairs (ceiling and all). God help us.

700

this is my 700th post! i had hoped it would be something deep, and soulful, but it's early early, and diva woke up on the wrong side of the dish, so she's all fussy and whining, so it is what it is. today i start stopping again. smoking that is. 3rd time's the charm? or is it 3rd on a match? either way, i will (again) give it my best go, and would appreciate any prayers you may feel inclined to send up. i figure Good Friday is as good a time as any. although "catholic" is not one of the many religions i've followed, i figure it can't hurt. someone somewhere has to be right, and if it's the catholics, then God is in a great mood right now, with a higher than average church attendance. my husband is catholic..."non-practicing" he says. like, he doesn't go to church, but don't even think of serving sloppy joe's on friday during this time of year. yes, my office is open. a fact that has our mostly geriatric demographic appalled. i want to point out that if we weren't, they'd have no one to call and complain to, but let them know that we employ non-easter people, so they are somewhat mollified thinking that it's the jews and muslims manning the phones. *sigh* I think if i were an employer, i'd give a ton of holidays off. i mean, the work will get done. the cube farm will buzz and wheeze with activity, and being that it's all deadline sensitive, the worker ants will find a way to get the stuff done in time, and probably whistle while they work, knowing they will have the solstice off. or Frida's birthday off, or some vague and unheard of holiday that appears on my Pema Chodron calendar. i like to bedevil my manager by pointing out that it's such-and-such a holiday (somewhere) and that i am once again working under protest of the oppression. when she first joined the company, she thought perhaps i was serious. but when the Remembrance Of The Water Buffalo day came around, she got an inkling that she may have been put in charge of the Island of Lost Toys. it happens. sometimes you leave the security of a 6-figure income with a soft landing at 65, but a boss who's only purpose is to insite creativity in homicidal dreams...you reach for that shiny new promise, and before you can get your paperclips in their swanky new mesh desk organizer...BAM...you realize you've made a huge mistake. but we've all settled in nicely, and soft edges have formed around each of us, fitting the soft edges of the one next to us. except the new girl who can't seem to make it to work. who will be off again today, despite the fact that 2 others will be off. today - i will be the department. just me. so i guess i was telling the truth about the easter people being off. anyway, the caffeine has hit my fingers before my brain, and i'm rambling. so whatever holiday you celebrate, if it happens to be this weekend or thereabouts, i wish you a happy / solemn / peaceful one - depending on your beliefs. me? we will be celebrating Valspar. the holiday of painting the bathroom and hallway. followed, no doubt by Miranda, the holiday of having your rights read to you and yellow tape being stretched across the crime scene. some people just don't play well together in tight quarters, each having Very Strong Opinions over everything from workflow to brush selection to actual color of paint. although, given the pre-paint decisions that need to be made, it is doubtful that color selection will be attained, and we will be celebrating divorce - the holiday of choosing whatever damn paint color you want. happy spring y'all!

the Prince, the iPod, and the Hat

today...was a magical day. the weather was just grazing 70-degrees...our phone system went dead for 3 hours at work...and i had a non-stop string of coincidences that just make you bubble. so here's how it went down. you know how it is - the last song you hear before you get out of the car at work will repeat endlessly throughout the day in your head. so choose your engine cut-off wisely. in the new spankly-mobile, i can finally plug in my ipod, so i cruised in to the cube farm, rockin out, and the last song i hear: Prince, Let's Go Crazy. very apropos for the work i do. the first call i take? the person lives on Prince St, and while i'm on that call, my cube-mate is talking to a Mr. Prince. freak me out. so now i'm gone - i will stretch this 6-degrees of seperation thing till it snaps like a girdle. just because it's fun. so a few minutes later, i'm making a collage (oh stop - like you don't play at work, given the chance) and I'm cutting out a frog picture, while talking to an office manager of ours. and she makes a comment about having to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince. pick me up off the floor my friend and slap me hard. this is getting creepy - an interactive game from the Universe. so little blah blah blahs continue, and of course at random moments i have to just spout out "Dearly Beloved" which in my mind has all the echo & effects added. i may add that i had an extra cup o' joe this morning, so i was in pretty high gear. (my normal being Very High Gear. Add a gear...i was there). so right before lunch, i get a call from a man in florida who tells me we suck and he'll spend the rest of his life telling everyone we suck and he'll even come back from the afterlife to tell people we suck. The afterlife! it's in the song!. so i got him calmed down and he starts telling me that he's in florida because he's a snowbird from West Virginia and his best friend snowbird is from syracuse and they had a hell of a day going during the recent basketball playoffs and now his friend is going back to syracuse and won't be back because he's Very Very Sick and he tried to find a syracuse hat for him down there for him. so, high on caffeine and The Game, i say "i'll get you a hat." and then he tells me that his friend is leaving monday. well, after about a 2-minute silence because he couldn't believe what he just heard. so now It's On. i must find and overnight a syracuse hat on my lunch hour. i call marketing - no swag from the 'Cuse. crap. so i run to the shopping center at lunch, all hopped up and daring JUST DARING the universe to let me down. bing. first store. now, the hat was in the mens section, but honestly it looked small in the brim. i found a man and asked him if it looked too small in the brim and he said it seemed okay. i asked the checkout person if it was truly a mens hat or just dumped in the mens section when some kids mom said NO. she scanned it and it said mens. so i bought it and ran next door to the kinkos for shipping. now my friends...fedex may be very very fast, but the clerks at the fedex that are responsible for taking your money and letting you get back to your desk on time - are not. while i waited, explosively, in line, i saw a big-headed man and thought Perfect! i asked him if he thought the brim was too small, and he took some thoughtful moments and looked at the hat, and decided it was ok. he seemed hesitant, and his opinion was important because he was in the same age demographic as the recipient. and had a big head. so if it looked okay on him, then it will be fine on an average-headed man. so i made him try it on. he looked inside it first, like i had hidden an egg or something, then tried it on. he deemed it perfect and said the brim wasn't small after all, just pre-curled like everyone likes them. so i plopped it in the box and fainted...my $7 hat would cost $50 to ship overnight. saturday was only $30, so i opted for that... a deal's a deal. and a big mouth will cost you right around that. plus i figure florida man will think i forgot when it doesn't come tomorrow, because after all, we suck and have never lived up to our ads or promises made. so hardy har mister. it was an amazing April Fools day of an egg-hunt twinkly day. all because of my prince. isn't it just so fabulous some days?

yess yesss i know...no post in a while...i've been spending some time with the stepper while she's home from college on one of their many breaks. (are we getting our money's worth??) anyway...i'm also working furiously on a few projects, which combined with the planned paint-o-rama this weekend (interior house painting, not beret-and-smock painting) promises to melt me down. yesss yesss i know...the usual all-or-nothing. i'll take it! each state of being has it's challenges, but honestly, wouldn't you rather be griping about too many choices on the menu? so I'll prioritize and time-slot everything, and the most urgent things will make themselves clear. like right now - shower and walkie time...one for me and one for Diva, who is suffering re-entry after spending the night at Camp Grandma...where there is endless buffets of chicken and hamburg and cheese for any doggie who turns their nose up at **gasp** dog food. i get the after effects, the fallout, if you will, with the disdainful looks and diarrhea. how i lived to adulthood remains a mystery. this weekend will demand pictures, as there is no possible way for a Project to become completed with drama and disaster in our house. (recall the thanksgiving with plugged sinks as an example).

ya know that commercial on TV where the kids can't sleep because they're too excited to go to Disney? that was me all week. and the closer it got to today, the more antsy i got. yesterday, i was ready to explode...needing to take a few breaks to just jump. why? this morning i took the most fantastic workshop...i knew it would be, and i wasn't let down. in fact, had i known how good it was going to be, and how comprehensive, i probably would have driven to the instructor's house on wednesday and kidnapped her, making her show me show me show me everything early. yes - i arrived early. yes - the class ran blissfully late late (3:30 rather than 1pm). i am energized and want to hole up and create...sterling...copper...torches - YES! i used the torch without incident (but i noticed everyone sort of gave me room). last summer i took a fabulous class by Nina Bagley, and learned an incredible amount, but was too antsy to sit tight and actually produce anything. today filled in the gaps. i am freaking out, people! so, now i'm going to sit quietly in front of the fire (fireplace - not torch), have a glass of wine, and sketch some ideas before they go pfftt. i forgot to mention that starting next week, yes, you will hear me on the radio again. enjoy your evenings! L

did i ever think i'd make it to friday? No.

This morning I got some startling news...in my inbox...an invitation to my high school reunion. I cannot possibly be that old. i'm not saying which year, but it is double-digit. oy how time flies. of course this, combined with my Lump Event, has set off a deepening time of introspection-with-action phase of my life. i feel like there is simply not enough time to get everything done that i need / want to accomplish creatively. the laundry - can wait. the housecleaning - can wait (and it has for many many months!). it's time to take some time for myself ... quietly...in an environment that stimulates artistically but not overwhelmingly...the scent of pine, or a rolling ocean...a weekend trashing with a like-minded friend...no watches or clocks allowed. which brings me to an interesting thought. a few years ago, i worked at a job that was so hateful that 20% of the staff was on stress disability leave. it was very difficult to ratchet down my fight-or-flight adrenaline pump on fridays, so i could enjoy the weekend and recharge. i began a tradition...every friday, as i got home, i'd remove my watch. it would sit in the bathroom until monday morning. it was a symbolic gesture that told my brain to s-t-o-p the hamster wheel, shift gears, and relax. it worked so good, that i haven't worn a watch in many years. i just left it off one day. i'm am excellent at managing my time - all those years in radio ticking off my workday in seconds and minutes. it's just that i need more to manage! and please, make them non-workweek minutes! speaking of which - it's shower time, followed by re-feed the cat time, then dog-to-the-park time because heaven forbid she poo in her own fenced backyard. now THIS is why i don't have kids. L.

i am writing a book.

make tea. sit quiet. go here. listen gently.

recently, i watched this short video...i borrowed the link from someone's blog, and i apologize i cannot remember where. (i like to give credit where it's due, but my fawlty tower has foiled me). i sent it along to some friends, because it moved me. yes, it's sad on the surface, but it got me thinking about stuff. and you have to admit, this entire past week (for me) has screaming at me to STOP, LOOK, and LISTEN. just like in kindergarten when we learned to cross the street. and some of the week has felt more like STOP DROP & ROLL, i must admit. so the video part is obvious, but it's the subtler life chirps that i often miss as i scurry about my life cleaning up cat vomit and getting yelled at on the job, and trying to make cabbage rolls. but this week was a megaphone of metaphor....from the lump-of-certain-death, to the car "dying" and many other life analogies that bitch-slapped me throughout the course of monday through friday. (is there a cosmic Windows Task reminder somewhere that says "Monday - mess with Linda. repeat 4x?). and it isn't that i think i'm about to face imminent death (or i would have bought the Porsche)...it's just like a call to make choices based on the Regret Factor. there's a fine line between selfishness and self-caring. and i need to learn to walk the line a bit better...not that i'm a selfish person, in my humble opinion - more like, when i stopped/looked/listened, i saw my regret could be summed up as such: i regret that i lived too much for other people. and that's not a good choice if it's constant and at an expense - your own. i seem to naturally put (some) others first, but that sometimes doesn't leave leave time or resources for #2 in line. sort of like "affix your mask first, before assisting others." - hey! an analogy within an analogy! personal best! but last night began a feeling of renewal...i finished clearing/cleaning my studio - something that had loomed as a daunting and unfinishable task...i cleared away my Pile of Accumulated Stuff at the end of the diningroom table - another mess-o-rama (if it's piled neatly, then it's not so ugly - till the cat knocks the tower over). dare i say that i have certain dreams of minor travel that may actually become do-able? and some other stuff, but i'm out of coffee and jonesing, so i'll cut it short. it just feels like a better phase ahead..more manageable...the Tricksters have moved on and made someone else their emotional pinata. little bastards that they are. diva is snoring soundly on one of her many woobies, so i'm going to sneak over and make some jewelry before she wakes up and needs to go out. again. and maybe my husband will wake up and see the cat's handiwork and clean it up. not likely, but one can dream. xoxLinda

“What were you exceptionally good at as a child, that you loved doing and that made you happier than anything?” When you find the answer to that question, you will know what to do with your life. The words and thoughts of Dr. Stephen Covey. We are all born with a unique set of talents, desires & abilities that are our imprint and gift to the world. Go back to your childhood and find the simple things that sang to you... that made you feel alive…we really are all BORN with our work…that it’s born into us, we just have to find it and never forget it once we have. i found these words on Melody Ross' blog, and boy, do they make sense.

the bucket list

so in a recent post, i mentioned my bucket list...most everyone has one, since the movie came out. and although i don't want mine to become a List of Regrets, i realize there are some things that i perhaps would need to rethink before actually ticking it off the list...like the trapeze thing. my physical list should come as no surprise to those who know me...it's organized into sublists. far from the scrawled paper in the movie. and i think this reflects the fact that i take it out and play with it often...kinda like cleaning the studio when there's no inspiration flowing. yes, ok, and the OCD thing: list it, control it. some of my items are not so much about Doing, as Having. there are material things in this world i would love to own, shallow me. things that create an inner experience...a beautiful piece of art, a musical or theater experience, etc. one thing i would love to own before i die is a collection of this. one of each please! and to see Cirque du Soleil, and Kitaro. i would like to astrally project to Paris, and be sitting somewhere very French with a good cup of tea, and of course a beret. i know that sounds double-shallow, but it's my list. i would like to gather all my GirlFamily together and spend some endless hours at a beach house crammed with art supplies & good food & good juju, where we'd plan a giant RAK assault on our respective cities, and see where the dominos fall. There's more, but for now, that's it. Have a fantastic day, y'all! as spring peeks out a bit for most areas, breathe it in...xoxL

At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want. -lao tzu

If you've ever read The Four Agreements, and wished for an evening with don Miguel Ruiz...here it is: Triune~Sheila Applegate, Meagan O'Nan & Ken Stone Featuring Internationally renowned authors don Miguel Ruiz and don Jose Ruiz Grammy award winning Joanne Shenandoah April 16, 2010 7:00-10:00 pm The Palace Theatre, Syracuse, NY A down-to-earth evening of soul connection, meditation and music to help you uncover the truth of who you really are and to make dreams a reality. Also, April 17: Intensive Workshop with Triune and don Jose Ruiz April 17 The Spring Fayetteville NY 10am - 3pm Space is limited www.sheilaapplegate.com

today i found a lump. the size of a grape. in my armpit. the next 7 hours became a blur. the swirl in my head and the pound of my heart made it difficult to concentrate or form any cohesive thought except ticking off the items left on my bucket list. for real. because that's how i am built, try as i do to change it. one part of my brain goes into Crisis Management mode, listing the things that need to take place, prioritizing and managing. the other part of my brain gets all mushy and paralyzed. so it's a brain management thing - which side will win out. depending on the circumstance, they sometimes get equal time, making for a well-organized zombie. today, it was every man for herself, as i ran naked & dripping from the shower to google. as background: i am older than my father ever got to be. a mystery rash followed by a lump in his armpit was finally diagnosed as the lymphoma that took him. i don't dwell on things, but you have to admit, i have some real cause here. at least at 5am. dripping wet & naked. sitting on a doghaired couch. waiting for an update to update before giving me access to the world wide web of information that i needed in order to get dressed and get on with the day. and a cursory check of a medical site (damn them) with one eye open, found cause for one part of my brain to begin wringing it's hands and planning a trip to San Diego for a Michael DeMeng workshop that i can't afford. unless i am dying. then all bets are off. God bless my Dr for hearing the panic in my shrill voice when i said i needed an appointment TOday, and booking me, even when i couldn't tell them why...I'll tell you when i get there. that's all i could think to say. because i began to swim in denial, or maybe just started realizing that 2+2 does not always =4. she walked in and the waterfall started. a minute later, i'm naked again, and she's doing a breast exam including the armpit (NOTE: DO Your Self Exam and include your armpit. PLEASE). she asked me what i feared it was and i spouted it all...the history of cancer in my family, the symptoms i read (and have)...i told her about the trip i needed to take and other things on my bucket list, and how i have such incredible women friends and felt that their spirits alone could heal and i was afraid i would die before i got to make some art i needed to make but couldn't quite figure out yet. and she let me talk...as if once the door was cracked, the monsters kicked it wide and all my fears came tumbling out in a big stinky heap. and as i named my fears, they got smaller and smaller - the shadow of them lurking was bigger than their actual size, as it turns out. and then - so un-doctorlike - she hugged me. and her nurse sniffled. and she said i wasn't going to die from this lump. it wasn't cancer. and i asked if i could still go to San Diego, did she think? and she talked to me about how she has art inside her that's been nudging to get out, but she doesn't know what kind of art, so she's doing paint-by-numbers. and we agreed there's merit in paint-by-numbers, just based on the smell alone. and i warned her that Crayolas are a gateway drug. and the sweat stop trickling down my back and between my breasts and under my arms to my waist. and i believe i lost some poundage this morning. and there's a very good chance that i was blessed with a chance to re-prioritize some things even more than i just had a month or so ago. and all i could hear in my ears was Frankenstein yelling "I'M ALIVE!" by that time i had completely exhausted myself in worry. (a wasted cannibalistic thing, worry). i am home. i will nap. and then - i will make art. and tomorrow i will deal with the ever-growing auto repair bill. $2K and counting. like a telethon, i tell you. so for now - for right this second - i need you to know how very much i love you. and how very much your friendship means to me - despite my dramatic moments and curveballs in life. and i hope that i am such a friend to you. and if not, then i hope you have a friend that is, to you, what you are to me. and we will, each and every one of us, be rich.

homesick

i am homesick for my girl posse...i have a deep yearning to connect with those women that i hold dearest...to reel in the golden tether that connects our hearts and spirits and grasp hands and walk along a sandy beach or along a wooded path together, sharing stories...as i keep up with their day-to-day via phone, email, blog entries and the like, a sweet lightness fills me ... it is food for my soul. we are far flung in our physical addresses, the places we call home, yet a piece of each resides within my heart. maybe it's the spring-like weather - filled with possibilities and snow-washed air...snowdrops peeking through the newly revealed patches of grass, basking in the warmth of the promise of summer...maybe it's the rebirthing of my woods - buds beginning to appear on trembling barren branches as the snow birds give way to the chatter of returning southern fliers...no matter, i miss the women i hold dearest and am hungry to hear their stories in their own lilting voices and feel their laughter as it resonates...so i hold fast to the golden tether that connects our hearts, and am grateful beyond expression for their companionship in spirit.

by mermaid request

hey nebraska...email issues...drop me a call when you get a chance! ok - now, please visit here...if you're a teacher, or a student, or a person who is concerned...some very thoughtful insight into the state of education and schools from an insider.

it's interesting to me - a person who talks all day for her job - that i feel as though i have no words. i feel like a sponge, soaking in a bunch of opportunites presented to my spirit lately, and i'm all soft and emotional. my dreams have been spirited and vivid. my cravings are for new tastes. a sensory rainfall on me. heightened senses...drinking it in...letting it flow out through the work of my hands...a gathering of dreams around me - not reaching for them, but rather, watching as they sit quietly & brightly ...surrounding me...i am peaceful in my heart, and certain in my soul, and find myself joyously tearful most of the time in deep, deep gratitude for the gifts that have been given me...

my friend susan recommended this . i think you'll like it. ahhh friday...i can stay up past my bedtime, get up way too early and make some beautiful art! and THEN...do it all over again tomorrow! AND! i finally have my drill press set up, and have made some incredible holes drilled in my copper tags. who knew they'd get so hot when they're being drilled?? but anyway, i'm real excited about the designs. will show you some (hopefully) but the end of the weekend. wishing you a fabulous weekend....don't forget to change the clocks...Linda

yikes...so, wait - when was i here last?? it has been a dizzying few weeks. that's all I can say. some good. some very challenging. but i refuse to conjure the challenging back to life by repeating it. just suffice it to say that when you have a 3-person department, and 1 person is chronically "sick," it really makes the other 2 wonder why they came in at all to be abused. that's all i have to say. so the next few weekends are full-up with good things...the Everson is having it's Feast for the Senses the 27th at Watson Greenhouse...lots o art...i'm taking next friday as a vacation day and making some jewelry...we re-ran the numbers, and a vacation is not in the cards, so we're doing a staycation which will include a paintcation of the bedroom, bathroom and (finally) hallway...more jewelry making...and some other stuff that's making me wish my days away. the sun is just beginning to rise out my window right now, and i wish you could see this beautiful blazing pink/red streak of light ...spring birds have started coming back, which means a trip to Derby Hill for the hawk & eagle returns should be very soon. this month i am vowing to take & post more pictures...you've asked for pictures of my work, and i finally found the CD, so that will come. plus just how entertaining can it be to read a blank page?? so i'm off to shower and walk diva, then to work. updates on some glorious stuff this weekend. L

how is it that some can grab onto the tiniest scrap of twinkle and grow it within themselves, while others sit neck deep in a sparkling heap and see a speck of dust and their mind takes that in and grows it and grows it, till all that's left is dirt? despite their best attempts, the pile takes on a life of it's own and soon, everything looks like snow on an April day...you know the kind...still clinging to the curbs and the edges of the lawn...filled with pebbles...icy roughness...with the detris of things buried over a long winter reappearing soggy and deteriorated. how is it?

madder than hell

i try to stay away from politics in this blog. i really don't like to get political. but - i am really honking mad. mad enough to rip off some emails to a bunch o' folk that were elected by someone to watch out for me. and here is that email: I picked up my tax return on Saturday, and much to my extreme panic, I somehow owe $1700.00 in federal taxes. My preparer explained that legislation was passed so that anyone making under $30K got a "break." Fewer taxes would be taken out, so they could enjoy the extra money and stimulate the economy. Someone forgot to tell the IRS, because according to them, I have now paid too little taxes, and they want it back. In 1 month. How could a loophole like this have gotten through the watchful eyes of some committee? While I appreciate the thought, the amount of "extra" money was so negligible that it went unnoticed - until the big payback of tax time. I am overwhelmed with this. My husband & I have 2 kids (my stepchildren) in college. We both work full time (I actually work 2 jobs - being an artist in my spare time) and my husband works for a scientific products company, in sales. We come up short at the end of the month as it is. We pay for college with a home equity loan which creates an interesting "rob Peter to pay Paul" game when bills come due. I suffer from fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue, and am technically eligible for SSDI, but cannot afford to leave my job. We are not spendthrifts...I am driving a 2003 vehicle, and he has a company car. Our house is in the same state as when we bought it - with appliances and such from the original 1970's build. We cannot afford to replace them, and pray they don't break down. Is there this much chaos in Washington that they don't stop to look at the big picture before they make a move? I thank you for reading this email. If anyone cares to listen, you may share my thoughts with them. Would it help if they came to live with some of the people they are actually representing, and make do on their budget? now i am not naive...i know some intern somewhere, all of 19 years old, with no mortgage or car payment still living in the gentle cocoon of college and aspiration and wonderment of the governmental and wide world process - will be the one to read and respond to my email, while snickering about the crazy lady. i know this because i was once an intern for a state senator. and although i took letters i read very seriously, and felt true compassion, it was still a young intern reading and responding to the emails and letters. and that was where i became less naive, and more disillusioned, and more certain that it was up to me to watch out for myself. so i guess this is about enough politics for this blog. i am just about as pissed off as a struggling middle class person who drags their fanny out of bed at 5am to go to work can possibly be. L.