Saturday, April 10, 2010
it is 7am...i have been up for 3 hours. my intent was to make some jewelry for an upcoming event. the Silence...the Spirit...had other things in mind for me on this chilly morning. In the quiet of the Silence, i heard doors creaking closed - my art gallery announced it's imminent closing...my wished for work-from-home position not to be...and a growing unease with my lifeplan. funny about plans. i resolutely sat at the worktable in my studio with the plan to make 3 bracelets today. the only light coming from a task lamp clamped to the edge of the table in my cozy soldering/jewelry making nook. all was well. somewhat. and as is the case when the mind is engaged elsewhere, the heart begins to speak...gently, sometimes, but often with a startling bolt of revelation. my Silence has learned to speak loudly and get to the point quickly, as i have filled every nook & void with Things To Do. so there i sat...Diva snoring quietly on her woobie next to me. and my hands worked. after an hour, i took a stretch break and picked up my newly purchased book, Hand Wash Cold, to read a few pages before bending over sterling wire and gemstones once again. and i never got past page 6. i am hoping i don't trample any copyrights here, but the words hit me between the ribs so effectively, i have to share: "You might think, for instance, that the life you have is not at all the life you had in mind, so it doesn't constitute your real life at all," oh boy. then, paraphrasing a bit, Karen Maezen Miller says 'We are most devoted to the life we don't have.' ouch. and my hands stopped. and in a blaze of understanding, i saw what had been, and what had become of my life - in particular, my relationships and tethers. it's not that i feel i'm a horrible person. i believe i am a DogFriend - loyal, trustworthy, and fiercely devoted. however, it's how i spend my time that was the focus of this pinata-like attack on my natural choices. I have been an artist my whole life, but never claimed the title until about 5 years ago. and that set up this scenario. if i was an Artist, then i needed to spend my waking days making Art, right? but the thing of it is, is that i need to work at a traditional job to make money to help support the family. and/or my art supply habit. after buying those supplies, i needed to use them, having spent all that money on them. because i worked outside the studio during the week, that left weekends and stolen scraps of time. but, if i am at my bench when i'm not at my Big Girl Job, then when is there time to develop the kind of Golden Tether with my husband, my friends, my Diva? see, i imagined that my "real" life is that of a fulltime artist. since that wasn't possible, then i became prickly and selfish with my time. it's an either/or thing for me...either i leap and hope for the universe to catch me by quitting the BGJ, or i settle things in my heart and know that Art will be my part-time passion. i would still be an artist - it is who i am as much as saying i am a woman. but the need to spend every waking free moment in the studio Along With a BGJ does not lend itself to time for other things. so i stood in my freshly painted spa-like bathroom, smoking, and pondering. while my mind pondered & tried to undo the tangles of thoughts to make a beautiful chain, my spirit remembered how nice it felt to work on a project together last weekend. and how sad that our conversations, in the unlikely event that they occur, our mostly information-vomits about our day. or the weather. now, i don't take full responsibility for the malaise that has settled into our marriage, but i am certain that my time in the studio has not done a lot to help. see, i was devoted more to the imaginary life i thought i wanted, than i was to the life i have. and had become resentful and regretful that i had been put in a situation where i had to squash my dreams and live...an ordinary life. gasp. like millions of other people. oh my. and the flash of a thought hit me, mind spirit asking why i had calendared in pen on the fridge today & tomorrow and the rest of the saturdays & sundays "jewelry" when i felt so lonesome for human contact? my spirit asked me, quietly and gently and directly with an unwavering look - why am i spending all these saturdays and sundays making jewelry when my heart was headed to My Lake or to play with Diva? and i answered "to get ready for the event." and the next question came quickly "what if you just didn't do to the event?" answer: then i wouldn't have to make all this jewelry. Question: then what would you lose? answer: nothing. And on it went bees buzzing back and forth, but without the sting...just gentle revelation and a veil lifting. i was more devoted to my imagined life, then to the one given me at this moment. and the fault does not lie anywhere but within me. it is not my husband's failings. it is not because of the events that happened after my father died, or my 1st marriage, or any other thing. they may have changed superficial circumstance, but if you know me, you know that i would have made my dream life a reality if i had wanted it to be so. it is so much easier to live an imagined life, then to face the reality of it. and so, as my resin dries, and the sun begins flooding my studio with that velvet early light, i am peaceful, and overwhelmed with the work ahead of me...away from the table...spending time repairing tethers with friends, brothers, puppydogs, and importantly - a husband. to see if time away has rotted the ties, or if ties were meant to be held loosely, or if time spent will strengthen those that were meant to stay strong. i will dare myself to read past page 6 of this remarkable book...later. right now, i have things to do.
at 7:02 AM