doubtful day

this morning i awoke to a bag full of doubts and frustrations....it has been forever since i've made any art. or felt inspired to make art. or had an inkling of an idea of a shadow of a project that excites me in any way. Left brain screams "you're no artist!" while Right brain uncharacteristically refuses to defend itself. usually the best ideas come on monday mornings while i'm getting ready to go to work. i have 2 half-started projects on my worktable....a metal piece and a wearable art piece. and i have to make some paper to attach a fiber piece to. but no thoughts on how to proceed with any of them. i keep saying i'm going to dedicate an entire day to a project, but which day? each is filled with errands and obligations, yet empty of inspiration. i've cleared my list of Things That Must Be Done Only On This Day, and still....nothing. i've tried reading some inspirational blogs and books...nothing. right now i'm reading "Eat Pray Love." i wasn't sure if i'd like it , and brought it on vacation. i love it so far. just past the "Eat" part, and am just a few pages into "Pray." and i think there's an answer brewing in those pages....i haven't had time to be still and be centered and let my imagination breathe. the author talks about having a "monkey mind" when she tries to meditate....her thoughts swing from one thing to the next like a monkey in a tree, rather than settling in to the task. that's part of it for me. husband has different standards and Must Haves in order to feel comfortable in the house, and his list of "rules" is long and detailed. i spend a lot of my day trying to remember which lights on or off, which window open or closed. i disappoint myself for participating. i, too, have personal pet peeves but don't expect the world to conform. for instance, i hate getting my hands greasy. i'll muck it up in paint or dirt or almost any other thing, but grease just makes me yuk out. but i also don't expect to heave out anything greasy in the house. just don't stand between me and my Purell. i'm at that breaking tipping point again, can you tell? i need a vacation where i don't have to be in charge of planning, packing for everyone, making sure everyone gets to the flight on time, etc. i'll do all that for myself, but it is exhausting being the brain for everyone. and i guess i have to ask myself why i do it? am i a natural planner, making it my contribution? or is it my own control issue? when i was traveling Quebec with the band, one night i saw one of the managers trying to get 15 things done at once. i had nothing better to do than swat Black Flies, so i went over and starting helping with a mundane, but time-consuming, task. she was a very spiritual, grounded woman...one of those people you swear just sort of hovers over the ground. she told me that i have an innate ability to see the details of a job and to get it done. she was speaking in a universal sense, not just the envelope-licking task at hand. i guess that stuck in my head. and in thinking about it, i'm not such a control freak as far as other people are concerned. i do have good planning skills, but in This Life now, i find i am given the job of keeping a mental inventory of where everything is and knowing when this or that is due and how long it takes to get from here to there so we have to leave by whatever time. which would be easier if i wasn't then fought every step of the way. so i guess i'm getting a little closer to the answer as to why i'm too monkey-minded to make art right now. hunh. hmmm. perhaps if i just sit in my studio today...forget about the last few chores i need to accomplish (my contact lenses have sat at the eye doc for 8 weeks...a few days more won't matter) get some music going (because i CAN) and just breathe in the welcoming, forgiving smell of paint and rusty things and butterfly wings, perhaps the fragrance of a thought of a shadow of an idea will tease my senses, and my hands will be inspired to cooperate with the internal music that will become art. Maybe i'll shower first. L.

can't trust May

August has typically been my month of Change....i've always changed jobs in August...moved in August...gotten engaged in August (each time)....and felt the first stirrings of autumn in August. so it's a month i look forward to like the circus: what's new and exciting around the corner? and also with a little trepidation: what's up THIS year? But May...i never trust May. it is my month of chaos and unrest. i get squirmy like a kid in church. i am typically out of sorts and unrested mentally & physically. and on a normal day-to-day basis throughout the year, things happen to me that could ONLY happen to Me. so when May rolls around, i want to stay inside for safety. so today - a day in May - started as a typical day in May.....i did n-o-t want to go to work. ever again. or be married. or be productive in any way. luckily husband has left for a weeklong business trip. i wonder if he planned it on purpose? anyway. i went to work, despite my inner voice screaming like a banshee to stay home and stamping it's little foot like a spoiled child in the candy line at the grocery store. i went. i built character. i'll spare you the blow-by-blow of odd and uneven events that occurred throughout the day because it would re-exhaust me to go through it again. except this one cosmic gem: when i got home, i changed into my typical sweatshirt and jeans. a man known only as David was coming by to pick up a turtle trap of his that i'd found. (part of a mapping project by the university...definitely not a killing/trapping trap). on the phone he had a melting Aussie accent. so i go about my business - making dinner, kissing Diva,etc, and unconsciously rubbing Something caught in the sleeve of my freshly washed sweatshirt. (don't jump ahead!) so David (who is very handsome & married & has a daughter who turned 1 yesterday and is far too young to be caught unawares by my charm and besides i'm married) is chatting about the turtle project and meanwhile, i've worked this lump of whatever down to the cuff of my sweatshirt. not really thinking about it. it's just a lumpy annoyance. something in my back burner thinks it's probably an old kleenex or dryer sheet (as i usually find dryer sheets stuck in or on my underpants at work which explains why i will never get a promotion, i suppose) but there is a small, quiet alarm going off somewhere on another brain burner that's saying "just wait a few minutes before pulling that out of your sleeve you bonehead." But it is May after all. so entrancing was this aussie accent that my fingers, of their own volition i tell you on their own without full permission of the brain, the fingers of my right hand reach into the cuff of my left sleeve and produce not a kleenex or dryer sheet no but a pair of actual underpants like some sort of sick suburban houdini trick i'm standing there talking about turtle mapping and whipping under-freaking-pants out of my sleeve in front of this highly educated and deliriously attractive but never to be touched man in my own private driveway i will never forget the shame and should cut off the offending fingers and thanking God ONLY that i will never i tell you never have to see this man again in this life or the next because i'm sure he'll point me out at the pearly gates "that's the harlot" and i shall spend eternity in hell which at this moment i have a taste of mentally. what most of you don't know is that 6 years or so ago, i prayed and prayed for someone else's life. i now realize i should have been more specific. i think i know where I Love Lucy's went. how many ways i ask you is it possible to humiliate oneself on a daily basis and not end up growing a large bulbous nose that goes HONK when squeezed? so for this example, as so very many more, is the secret to why i am unbothered by the people who call and scream about getting a bill for $7.10 more than they thought it would be....that is so much more preferable to Life's Little HaHa's. i'll now go let the dog out. L.

THE Garage sale

if you aren't from here, this will probably sound about as yokel as it gets. yesterday was The Radisson Garage Sale. this is a huge residential community ...it began about 30 years ago as an experiment - a Planned Community...self-contained...health center...grocery shop...school..etc. kinda sounds like a cult. anyway, the health center got going, but thankfully no other outside type stuff. (let me pause here and just say this: i don't drink. BUT last night we had a Hillbilly Redneck Driveway Party, and i had some tasty slushy concoction that made my legs numb - i went to stand up and couldn't. hunh. i overstayed, but it was in my driveway, so...but my point is that i'm spending equal amts of time typing, then correcting my spelling/typing errors. so i;m going to just let it rip, and you ppretend iyt's a 15-year old texting and figure it out.). where was i? oh. so it's grown A Lot since the 70's, and every year (inexplicably on Mothers Day weekend) the entire community has a garage sale. hundreds od garage sales all in 1 place. literally 1000's of people. my face is so tired from smiling. and every year we say we aren't doing it...we have nothing to sell. and every year, The Very Morning of the sale, husband starts dragging stuff out and i have to arrange & price while the gathering hoards pounce. very stressful. and the woman at the end of our street has an endless supply of antiques and beautiful things to sell, putting the pressure on everyone else to put out nice things. (we don't roll like that tho). so the night before, youngblood, who is carless, demands a ride back here from his mothers. and of course, husband complies. so now i've got the 2 of them squabbling, the dog trying to attack them, a pile of God-knows-where-he-got-it-from "merchandise" ANd AND i lent my table to aunt debbie. (the dog's aunt). i could just move. add into the mix that my husband overdrank, and there is a storm brewing in my bonnet. nothing gets done. i'll skip the actual details about the sale except this one: there is something surreal about a Mennonite woman strumming your son's guitar-for-sale in your very own driveway trying to put the arm on you to lower the price to $10. on a $130 guitar that you only want $45 for anyway. it was just odd. ands she stared unblinking at me with steely righteous eyes while doing it. i gathered my essence and said sorry $45. she continued to strum. i wanted to ask if she knew "Dominique" or "Free Bird" but felt that would be innappropriate, or worse- she'd charge me for the performance. so she finally set it down and left. i got out the garlic, crossed myself (i think i did it right...left, right, up, down?) (i'm a lot of religions but haven't gotten to Catholic yet. just ask my mother-in-law), hugged a tree and asked the low-flying crow to protect me from whatever evil wrath i incurred by not lowering the price. it was a good guitar. oh - and in the box of bookks i tried to give away (buyt 1 get 20 free) i found a book i just bought. so ANYway, after all this, i declared a driveway party. now, i live on a great streeet of neighbors. we're all in the same financial boat, so tehre's no keeping up with the neighbor thing. and in the summer, when the mood strikes, we gather at the end of someone's driveway to have a soda, or a beer, and just hang out and be neighborly. as the summer progresses, the snack competition gets into full swing and the gatherings take on Snack Epic proportions. but last night was impromptu, so just some little weiners on sticks in the chimera someone brought down (in a wheelbarrow, of course) and chips. and The Slushy Stff. who knew a liquid with that much alcohol would actually freeze? and taste so good? both cups? who knew you could actual end up with Phantom Legs from a little cup of ice and some green stuff in it? Pick Me! Pick me! i now know. so meanwhile i have lost the entire point of this post and diva is up and rattling her tags, so i have to go let her out. i'll get back to you. L

all the eggs in 1 basket

Happy Mother's Day Mariah! her eggs are hatching! http://www.rfalconcam.com/ she's so beautiful. the babies are not so beautiful...only a mother could love. but they grow fast and soon become the magnificent falcons i love! so check her out....sometimes you can see Kaver on the lightpost outside the nest (scrape) bringing food home. i'm exhausted right now and diva is just absolutely not to be deterred from her mission to get my full attention, so bye for now! l.

sleep-over

finally a borrowed picture from that mountain villa place in St. Thomas. my husband has his arm around some older woman....might be me, but i won't say for sure. i think i'm much younger/slimmer/less grayer etc). **so have i mentioned (probably 97 times) that i'm going to an art workshop thing for many day in September? i leave on a wednesday and return on sunday. it's on the same site where they filmed On Golden Pond. the "compound" is gi-normous. what? do i have the money yet? not so much. but i will. i have 2 weeks left and $580 to go, and yes my brakes just went today, and yes i didn't get a paycheck last week due to the unauthorized vacation time, and yes, stepdaughter AND stepson's tuitions are both due, and blah blah blah. y'all....i AM GOING. i've put off and put off. and as you all know (say it with me...) I AM 50 AND I AM AN ARTIST. ok so now that that's settled. so i'm coming down from my turtle/beaver frenzy. i know i've done all i can do and i think it's been a lot. maybe even enough. and today was able to make an incredible necklace for angelfriend georgia. i can't WAIT to give it to her. have i ever mentioned to you just how incredibly blessed i feel i have been? true true. even on a cruddy rainy day like today. even when my husband comes into the bathroom while i'm in the shower and tramples all over my Zen. so this workshop is in september....have you started a 50/50 pool yet as to when i'll start packing? oh - and btw...i'll be driving. yes. all the way to New Hampshire. alone. so how about another 50/50 concerning just how far from the house i get before i get lost? (WHAT? a BLOCK??? who said that?) i anticipate at least 5 freak-outs before now and then. at least 1 weekly bawl-n-drown from pre-missing my diva...oh sniff here comes one now. yes, i know i am unnaturally attached to that dog. i make no excuses. yes she has issues. yes she needs a check-up from the neck-up. but she is my girl. if i had a child, it would be no less insecure and messed up, so just thank your stars i have a dog, and not some confused teen running away to your house every week asking if they can stay at aunt so-and-so's because their mom is impossible. so my steppers are downstairs making some sort of trouble now, so i must go restore fear and order. i swear i could just drink. L.

the traps are gone. husband and I met with the guy who saved the Canada goose and he showed us where they were. we saw the stakes in the ground that held the wires to the traps, but the traps are gone. the stakes are gone now too. except for 2 that say "no traps...we're watching." hmmm. who put that there? no evidence of beavers either though. i hope they found a more hospitable place to be themselves. i'm tired. i haven't eaten yet. i need a drink. but i don't drink. what an amazing few days...on both sides of the scale. speaking of amazing....my angelfriend Georgia is an amazing woman. i call her my manager, because she has pushed and tugged me into believing in myself as an artist. she has opened doors for me, then shoved me through them... made connections for me and encouraged me and opened 4-thousand emails from me ...happy, sad, scared, ecstatic, hopeless, stupid...you name it. she is my touchstone for what can be possible. and...she has just had her 2nd book of poetry published! it's available here: http://www.mainstreetrag.com/store/books.php it's called Doom Weaver. (3rd line down, second from the left). i highly recommend it. and the cover art is done by another amazing woman, Cathy Gibbons. an incredible artist. she takes a blank computer screen and makes art. she programs the pixels and colors. she makes colors that didn't exist before. it's been hard for her to show her work because everyone assumes she took a picture and photoshopped it. but nope. she took Nothing and created Something. she is wonderful. her art is wonderful. i am hungry. goodnight! L

Bondi update

i called the rehabber to check on Bondi during lunch. she said it didn't look good, but that he'd fooled us once....at least i know we gave him a chance. what a magnificent being he is. tonight we go to check to see if we can see any traps. if so, and there's a way to pull them out, we will. the newspaper is interested in doing a story, i think, and that would sure help. these guys are cowards and back down when there's the slightest public pressure. please call them. even anonymously. i'll update again in a bit - diva is shreiking for a walk. L.

can you say miracle?? say it!

update: just got a call from the rehabber. her husband tapped Bondi's eye. it blinked! tapped the other eye. it blinked. tail moved. they gave him 300 ml's or cc'c (whichever is bigger) of fluids, and he soaked it up like a sponge! he's starting to move a bit now! she said he isn't out of the woods yet, but i'm pretty amazed so far! i am a firm believer that no bad thing happens without a reason. i've seen it too often in my own life. i still whine and kvetch while it's happening, but in the back of my mind i also say, "can't wait to see what good will come of this." well, if the turtle hadn't played possum, then i would never have found out about the traps. so there you have it. i truly hope this magnificent animal makes a full recovery and goes on the be the snapping bane of existence to many a fish, but his little trick sure did the trick in helping his pond-mates out. or at least i hope i am able to get a change made here. it won't be for lack of trying i assure you. L.

tissue alert

this is a post about nature. and whether or not people should interfere with nature. for about a week, i've been taking diva dog on her usual walk over the bridge and through the echo echo tunnel and down around the Other pond and past the monkey tree. well, just across the path from the Other pond, we met Bondi. a huge handsome snapping turtle. hanging out by the trunk of a tree. it's egging time for most of nature and i was excited and grateful that i was being allowed to share in the cycle of life. a few naturewatchers would stroll by from time to time, all just blown away by Bondi's size (about 50 lbs) and also, in the miracle of Nature. after a few days, though, it seemed to me that the process was taking an awful long time, and Bondi was not raising her head to greet me. threateningly or otherwise. so this morning, husband and i went to check on her. she was not moving. but such is the sneaky nature of snapping turtles. when you least expect it...expect it. but we knocked on her shell, and my husband finally (in tears) picked her up to move her closer to the pond. maybe she was weak from egging and couldn't get there. meanwhile i worked the cell phone trying to reach anyone who could examine her. finally an answer from an angel...an animal rehabber who lives about 10 minutes from us. to meet this woman...you just feel so insignificant in light of the work she does at no charge. we have brought her pidgeons kicked by horses, and all manner of un-domestic beings. no charge. so we put Bondi in the car and off we went. our fears were realized when she put a stethascope to his main artery in his tail. (well she quickly determined that Bindi was a Bondi....a "he" not a "she.") Bondi was gone. that amazing, huge, and very very old turtle was gone. i felt crushed with guilt. all week watching as he grew weaker. i know i know...i thought differently. and i know the Nature is Nature argument. but i just felt like i should have done something sooner. my husband was unashamed in his tears. we left Bondi with the rehabber, glad at least that he would be given rest with the dignity that he deserved. while we were there, we learned that the Community Association were we live has set "live" traps to "trap" the few beavers that have found their way into the large pond where Bondi lived. now i say that in quotations because the traps are set underwater. and only checked on fridays by the DEC. against their own law, by the way, that says traps be checked every 24 hours, and what the hell kind of new species of beaver are they after that could hold it's breath 24 hours, let alone 7 days? you tell me. just tell me. and do not get me going about traps in the first place. these traps are meant to catch and drown. no more and no less. they were discovered when a neighbor by the pond heard a ruckus and when he looked out, a female Canada goose was tossing a fit by the shore. her mate was flapping in the water, but not going anywhere. the man feared some sort of net or underwater predator had grabbed the goose, so he set out 2x4's and attempted to reach the bird. that's when he discovered the goose had a leg and wing stuck in a trap. i am so far past disgusted and horrified...i cannot find the words here to tell you how enraged i am by this. i have contacted a friend who works at the local paper, and intend to call all my former reporter friends on monday. it may not seem like a huge story to them, but just maybe the senseless killing and maiming of wildlife will get as much attention as the senseless killing and maiming done downtown person-to-person. and this in an area that touts itself as a nature area, with a picture of a Great Blue Heron as their logo. i am pissed and people will know it by monday night. if you have a moment, please call or email the Radisson Community Association in Baldwinsville NY and tell them to stop the trapping. i will also be contacting the DEC (a GOVERNMENT agency) (it stands for Dept. of Environmental CONSERVATION for godssake) on monday to see why they are breaking their own law. perhaps they'd like to speak on the record with the media. not so much, though i think. i am just in a tornado over this. i need a walk. L.

i confess - my addiction

i am head over heels in love with Peregrine Falcons. and MY falcons (mariah & kaver) have 5 eggs cooking right now. see them here http://rfalconcam.com/rfc-main/multiView.php . they aren't actually MINE, but i feel like it. i can't stop checking in on them. a compulsion. yes, an addiction. i remember last year eyas being hatched and felt like they were my own grandchildren being born. well almost. go see. this summer i'm headed on a Hawk Walk nearby. a Raptor specialist has a huge sanctuary with owls, hawks, falcons and even an eagle that have all somehow strayed into harm's way. she rehabs them as best as possible. they either return to the wild, or stay on with her, depending on how well the healing goes. you can grab a gauntlet and go for a walk through the woods and the falcons will come land on your arm (if you have a strategically placed snack on hand.) i can't wait! we have a resident owl in my woods here. when he gets too close to a nest belonging to another bird, the trees come alive with squawks and shrill warnings from every other kind of bird in the area. so, off for a nap....if you read my previous post you'll know why. i actually accomplished half-a-lot....i got half of my paperwork done, took diva for half a walk (too freezing cold to go far), got half my prep done to solder, ate half my lunch, did half a load of laundry. now to go FULLY asleep! L.

sleepless

so at 1:38 am, diva dog decided there was Trouble...started barking like it was her job. in fairness, it IS her job to bark. but not at 1:38 am. unless there's trouble. who knows what set off her concern, but there you have it. after 10 minutes, my kidneys chimed in, and i was up. then of course, she decided SHE needed to go, which meant finding my sweats and out we went. because when she has to go, it cannot be ignored. she'll tap tap tap you on the forehead till you Get The Point. so out we go. now i'm stressed...not only do i have to worry about a potential monster in the house, there may also be a monster a/k/a skunk in the yard. she is on the trail of Something and will not be deterred. great. so my early to bed early to rise plan...pppfftt. except for the early to rise part, i guess. but i'm too tired to accomplish anything, but too wound to fall back asleep. no skunk. back in. upstairs. she slinks under the bed to her Special Hidey Spot and soon begins to snore loudly. i toss and turn. literally. never realized that was a literal description of sleeplessness before. i ponder that for a while. then i ponder the bills piled up by my desk waiting to be paid. then i ponder whether or not to quit my job. and then the pile of applications and forms and artist statements and other paperwork sitting next to the bills on my desk. the stress train has left the station. i wonder if i'll have a heart attack by 2:30am. guess not. i give up and get up. ok this could be okay...i'll get some collage work done that i had planned to do later, then shower and get the groceries done around 6am. that will free up a lot of extra time during the day. but i know, within a half-hour, i'll be tired and soldering my fingers together. then sleep will find me again. then i'll oversleep and get LESS done than i need to. or worse, i'll be semi-productive at this wee hour, then nap for, oh 6 hours, and get Nothing done all day. i'll be too groggy/awake to fall asleep at bedtime tomorrow (today?) and be exhausted for work on thursday. so then friday will be a sleeping-in day and i'll be less productive still. see? i have it all figured out. it's not like i couldn't blindfold myself, grab a stick, and whack pinata-like out at the world and hit stress lately. oh yes. i'm fully aware that diva was probably barking at a piece of stress that broke loose from my brain and was trying to slide past her in the night. flung away from the centrifuge of my worry center. this happens from time to time. a chain reaction of psychic dominos that activate. not psychic as in "you'll meet a tall, dark stranger," but more like the mental things that go bump in the night while you thought everything was under control. ahh, control. you again? thought we left you by the side of the road a few years back. well maybe just a second cousin to that particular sleep-stealer. so i am here to tell you, you are a lucky person indeed if you have someone who lives in a time zone that can be called at dark o'clock and not be awakened. i look out my window...nope - debbie's house is dark. friendship has it's boundaries at this hour. too late for a shot of nyquil, and alcohol would just invite in slobbery sadness. like, after a single sip. i am not a drinker. at all. i tried literally to count sheep. they all ended up in a heap after number 3 caught his little cloven hoof on the fence rail. sometimes it's a curse, this imagination thing. so i pictured myself on a sandy beach...the breeze blowing warm...the ocean waves shhhushhing up to the shore...ahhh, relax, breathe in. OY! a jellyfish washes up and stings my foot. for the love of cocoa puffs. i hop over to the tiki bar of my imagination and order up a double iguana colada...with TWO umbrellas please! as i head-freeze the colada down, i am reminded of vacation. and getting stuck in the rain on public transportation (which is a jeep cab towing a tram-like thing) for 2 hours while we went around and around the island because we didn't know where our stop was and the driver promised He Promised to stop & let us off at the right stop but said he forgot and the man next to me for the last 45 minutes just reeked REEKED i tell you of some unknown cooking, lack of hygeine, who knows what smells combined with a flatulence that would rival any ANY i tell you cabbage farmer reunion. as i bolted off the bus and shoved $2 at the driver (we were told $1 per person) and he yelled "HEY you went up and back $2 more" and the world stopped and stared at us , at that moment when time froze, i swore i would never Never ride another bus as long as i took breath. (luckily when we jumped off the bus (bus yeah right) we jumped into a driving lane congested with traffic from REAL cabs, so the bus driver had to keep moving. luckily i say, but only for his sake because i was really wet and really angry). so now i'm re-pissed at the "bus" driver, and still not tired. on (real) vacation, after narrowly escaping death in the taxi-driving lane, we ducked briefly into a sunglass store go figure, where a russian girl working there ended up selling my husband a $200 pair of sunglasses IDENTICAL to the pair he was wearing. so captivated by her accent, when she asked to see his glasses, he didn't notice that she was not about to return them till he had parted way with a few greenbacks. well, that or maybe when i growled a bit and suggest she hand them over to me for safekeeping n-o-w. such an ugly american am i when i am wet-hen mad. all was forgiven as he purchased his new Tommy Bahama's and we went merrily skipping the the Real Live Taxi Stand and dripped into the velour luxury of a cab bound (for certain) to our hotel where i dripped over for a pedicure. the rest was detailed elsewhere. nope i'm still not tired. you tired of reading this? it's okay. i tend to ramble. so i guess i need to take a breath and realize that my lack of sleep is due to feeling a lack of time, which is due to the incredible opportunities that have been placed before me. artwise. shows and sales are abounding and i'm flattered that the universe, and my friends, have deemed me artworthy enough to include me in the works. and promote my art even when there is not an open oportunity for them. i have been abundantly blessed. and as my Pepcid AC begins to calm the churning reflux in my stomach, i am able to see a portion of the banquet that has been laid before me. worthy or unworthy of this bounty of friendship and opportunity....a question for someone else some other time. it Is. it is. it is. it has been the most magical few years. 2 years ago, i had a sense that i needed to hold on and open my eyes and watch as things happened. as i have opened my eyes and watched, the weavings and interplay of events and "chance" meetings of my life the past 2 years, i am amazed. all things truly do work together. humbling. awe-inspiring. how the good and the seemingly bad have all come together. and i doubt i am anywhere near the final stitch of the tapestry. i hope not. the colors are beautiful. the textures wonderful and rich. despite the fact that i am up at this early hour churning and mentally pacing about, i have a good life. a great life, actually. such a gift to be given - to be able to be up at this hour distressed about not having enough time to fully appreciate all the advantages that have been placed under my tree. to have so many gifts given that my arms are straining under their load. i asked for abundance, and surely that's what i have been given. and i am thankful beyond words. beyond pacing. beyond worry. beyond every gift-horses-mouth, i am truly awestruck to think that this tiny speck of a human on a tiny speck of a horton hears a hoo planet has somehow been given all that i have been given. hunh. i feel even smaller. and maybe a little tired. oops - a yawn. ok maybe i'll punch that pillow a little more and the sandman will come out from his poker game with the tooth fairy. can you just imagine it? L.

beautiful liar

well, the talk went....undecided on my part. a huge thunderstorm blew outside and i couldn't hear a word. i'm sure there was a huge storm inside, as well. youngblood claims he stopped last week and that yesterday was the first day he felt he had things whooped. do i believe him? i'd like to. but i know cocaine is a beautiful liar. and it becomes your first, then only, love. you will lie, stea, cheat, whatever. because it takes you. so i am hoping for the best, but i will keep a suspicious eye out. the parents want to believe. the girlfriend, in my opinion, is a strong and brave girl. to call and get someone involved was a huge risk on her part. and she took it. and i hope she understands what incredible character that showed. i will be sure to tell her when i see her. for now, i am tired. and tomorrow brings an early day. why is it that i get up at 4am on any day except work days and enjoy meeting the day? but on monday, tuesday and thursday....i'd rather sleep till noon! husband is looking at a job prospect with another company that will increase his salary by over 20k....and increase his travel time as well. i told him at that point i will quit my job completely and divide my time between art and travelling with him. otherwise, this marriage has no point if he's gone mon-fri. We'll see. i started a wearable art piece today that's been brewing and flitting through my mind for 2 years. not too much pressure! my shower meditation yesterday pulled the whole thing together, and i now realize that if i would have started it sooner, it would have been a lesser piece. the part that was missing was the starting point. so hopefully pictures soon. a hint...involves A TON of hand beading. which i love because it's somewhat portable. more so than a chunk of rusty metal and a soldering gun! so sleep well y'all....and gail - huh? ok. L.

thankful

i am just overwhelmed with the possibilties and opportunities that have been placed before me...a grand meal awaiting me....on the good china, no less! something about having my piece, Alchemy, selected for the Schweinfurth show just has me awestruck. i've been making art for 30 years now, but mostly for myself, for friends, and commissions. i'd thought about exhibiting in shows or galleries, but never felt "good enough" to. this show acceptance (juried, by the way, by people Not From Around Here) has made me feel legit. my art hasn't changed (other than the natural, usual growth thing), but i feel like the hard work has paid off. like maybe when someone says they like a piece, hmmm, maybe it IS good...maybe they aren't just being polite. which brings me to another thought....it's about people who don't believe in themselves. yes, i've just spent some mom-time. why is it that you can know a person, and see all the wonderful things they are, but they don't believe you when you tell them? and worse, distrust your intentions when you point out the things that make them so special? why don't they see their own worth/value/possibilities/whatever? and i hate to use those terms, because it makes it sound like there is a measuring stick somewhere, and that it would be possible to not measure up on the Worth scale, or Value scale. every every every thing has qualities that make them unique, needed in the Grand Synchronicity of Life. it is our job as part of that orchestra to live Truly. to be our best selves, because that Self is needed somewhere, somehow. by feeling Less, you are denying the world your part in it. no one is Less. they are what they are. yes, keep walking your path. yes, the inner you may change, but that's as intended. in fact, the Zen card for today says: "Success is not found in what you have achieved, but rather in who you have become." although part of who you have become may include your achievements, achievements alone are hollow. i always thought that if i could make X amount of money at a job, i would be happy and feel successful. so i set about to do that. and i did. and i wasn't happy. the maintenance involved in holding that financial line - time, lack of time - stole from my soul. i had a lot of "things" but no time to enjoy them. the lifestyle wore golden handcuffs....and the time came to turn the key and release them. oddly, i am now immeasurably more satisfied with less. and more appreciative of what i have. true, i have a dependable 2nd income through my husband. but i know that at some point, i would have chosen Less, no matter what. who knows. i do know that i am becoming my best self, and in that process, AM my best self every day. for whatever that day needs. it's funny how Spring awakens and reminds me of the bountiful table that has been spread before me...the endless choices to choose from. i am deeply grateful for being given those choices...living where i am, at the time that i am in...being able to say i will split my time between art and a Big Girl Job. and being able to surround myself with precious jewels of friends, like you. i am more Me because of you. that is my success. L.

oh

i was attempting the impossible....i have to write an artist's statement. in 100 words or less. i am not an "or less" type of person. do i fall back on my usual... "I am 50 and I am an artist" which sounds a little 12-step, or do i try try try to write something a little more polished? although the Usual says it all in my book. i mean, who cares what I think about art? who cares what anyone thinks about art? do you like or dislike the piece? why? why not? what does it make you think of? feel? remind you of? now to me, THAT'S the meat of it. i make art because i Need to express the thoughts, feelings, scents, innuendos, experiences of my everyday life, and of my lifepath. I cannot keep it inside, anymore than you can keep your foot from tapping to the beat of your favorite song. i use rusty metal and wood because these materials appeal to me in a visceral way. and because i cannot draw a straight line with a ruler. now how do you make that sound Nice? maybe i'll just use that. L.

yikes has it been this long since i posted?? guess so. well, i hate to disappoint but it's late and i have an early appointment at the salvage yard. so let's make a deal....i'll try to get some really cool pictures tomorrow, and write an honest-to-God, no whining post of some substance if you let me go to sleep now. how's that? remind me to tell you only great things...because only great things have been happening. so okay - let's meet back here later tomorrow...maybe around dinner time? night night y'all. L.

ultimate wisdom

so i go into work today (under duress...i want to be home in bed, or inthe usvi in bed better yet) and everyone is surprised to see me....they thought i was gone till monday. aaarrgghhh. i could have just Stayed At Home making art. tomorrow is vet day. while i was gone, diva was attacked by a pit bull and has a puncture in her neck. i cannot go into the details. just can't. yesterday we were pretty much back to square one with her...hiding under the bed...fearful of everything...not eating. today she's a bit better but still not the diva i left behind for vacation. Lord help me the thoughts i've had about ignorant people who don't understand the concept of a leash law....even when their dog has already killed and maimed and terrified many a cat & dog on the street. deep breath. so here's the Zen Card thought for the day...on Ultimate Wisdom.... Treat everyone and everything with loving compassion. When you see no difference between the sacred and the profane, the saint or the sinner, that is ultimate wisdom. timely, eh? L.

before i forget

remind me to tell you about getting stuck on a public bus for 2 hours on Monday in the gully-washer rain. it's oh-so-Linda. oh, and by the way...thurs 5-8 is the art show opening at Westcott Community Gallery....i'm very excited - they're using an image of my work for the PR! So here is the Zen thought for the day from the Zen cards they gave me at the spa because i was soaked to the bone from the rain and clearly not Zenified when i got there: Experience all things with the enthusiasm of a child, as if you were seeing it for the first time. This is the Zen Mind. Always new. Always aware. Always that of a beginner. ahhh.

i'm baaaack

ok so....i'm back. but not to reality. this is not reality. it is amazing to me that people ever return from vacation. the weather was great....except for monday, where it rained like a monsoon all day and all night. the hotel (ritz-carlton) was very nice...they worked through some difficulties as quickly as possible....a few of the group had no water in their rooms due to a water break...the activities were plentiful and the food was good. i am not one to look a gift vacation in the mouth, but i will say this: should you find yourself the recipient of a free week at the Ritz-Carlton in St. Thomas, BRING SNACKS. it is not all-inclusive, and the only way to get snacks is to access the honor bar (small bag o tiny twist pretzels:$6...small cashews: more...bottle of water: $8+)...the gift shoppes do not sell food, snacks, drinks in any form, and it is a $20 cab ride to the store to get snacks ($10/person each way), so that cheap bag o' snacks is now $30 if you go alone. why do i mention snacks so much? i was hungry a lot! so let me back up. the trip was planned by husband's Corporate Travel company....all we had to do was show up at the airport on time. they gave us $300 to spend on meals not covered (3 group dinner/events) and spa services, activities, etc. day 1: arrive - yes we made it to the airport on time, both of us. now here's some advice - when your husband says he is packed...his idea of "packed" may not be accurate. it may include the following items only: snorkel gear, bathing suit, dress shoes. period. which will neccesitate a quick-pack at midnight before you leave, which will allow you 2 1/2 hours sleep. just sayin. so we get there. and it's hot. and i'm oh so happy. having survived being trapped in a tubular metal germ factory for a lot of the day, it was a relief to breathe free-flowing air. they met us at the airport & shuttled - what could be easier? Mr. Arthur (my new favorite friend from afar) meets us at the portico with rum punch and cool washcloths and welcomes us. i love him fiercly at that moment. he is about 60 years old, his face is a map of the world...lines, creases, dignity. quiet assurance that all is good. the room...wonderful. and we have water! it's a little bit brown, but it's wet and coming from a showerhead. you know, i'm not going to go minute-by-minute here. here's my favorite event: monday night. pouring rain. 4 Lincoln Navigator limos pick up the group to take us to a mountaintop private villa for our farewell dinner. our driver looks just like Sean "p. diddy" "puffdaddy" Coombs). the road literally goes straight up...1 lane. slippery. don't care. the villa....i couldn't speak...so beautiful....crammed with the most wonderful artwork from around the world. the owners were in Austria buying more. i can't begin to describe this place. it was on the top of the world. (note - my camera broke about 20 minutes after arriving in St Thomas, so no pictures). the food - OH! never in my life will i ever eat food or taste wine so incredible. never. and this was in the middle of a lightning storm. perched on the highest point on the island. with metal cutlery. the trip was wonderful. made peace with a small sand shark that kept after my feet by the shore....i promised not to tell he was there if he promised not to eat me. never trust a shark. no shells on the beach, which surprised me. husband and i went Hobie-catting, and i got a face full of ocean as i tried to switch sides of the boat so we wouldn't tip in gale force winds while we tried to make it across the bay to a house snuggled in the mountain. (i was convinced it was Madonna's house). (you can see it in the picture.) just missed getting personal with a jellyfish. darn. and a barracuda. and husband saw an octopus, which i'm sure he would've poked, but someone thankfully stopped him. met some of the nicest people from his company, and it turns out i went to school with one of them (well, she was a few years behind me but knew my brother). so all in all, no complaints. will sort out the zen of it all later and report on the important stuff...right now i'm overwhelmed with my To Do list - laundry, groceries, diva coming home in 2 hours. good to be home, but it was great to be gone! L.

only in america

a little housekeeping: It was NOT gail's fault. it was mine for being a 4-eyed doofus and not asking HOW MUCH??? next time....i'll ask for my senior discount. ****okay - you tell me.....where else can a person start a job, then 6 months later tell them you're going part-time, then they give you a raise, and now a promotion?? if i wasn't so paranoid, i'd have a big head about the whole thing. so listen. apparently it has caught the attention of my boss and her boss and HER boss that the most irate, foul-mouthed, un-helpable people that i get on my phone just don't bother me as much as the other calltakers. sure, INSIDE my last reserve nerve is screaming for a blood-letting, but apparently on the OUTSIDE i am calm and professional. how THIS occurs is anyone's guess. like the song says...."if you could read my mind, what a tale my thoughts would tell." be very afraid. so anyway, i told my bosses that i would be needing thursday through next wednesday off to go to the Carribean. they said okay. damn....they must like me. then they tell me i'm getting this promotion. i will be the person that "escalated calls" are sent to. so it's a good/bad thing....yes, i'll be promoted into a newly developed position...just for me. however, now ALL my calls will be BAD ones. what do you say? no thanks? thanks for be so good about letting me tell you what i will and won't be doing and when, but no thanks when you ask me to do this? i think not. an offer you can't refuse, sorta thing. out of the 5 of us (yes, the 6th person worked 3 weeks, then said their baby was sick and THEY needed to go part time then never called again or showed up.), out of the 5 of us, i would probably be the best suited....i would just have a quiet stroke or heart attack one day and not make a fuss. 2 of the others freak out and scream at people now...the other one just agrees to anything, hangs up and does nothing. i'm sort of middle ground. i never scream....i just get very cooly polite, and don't even think for a minute i am going to help you after you just called me something to do with sleeping with your mother. uhn uhn honey. so i guess because i keep my volume low, i drew the short straw....errr ...got promoted. sort of promoted. got my own department, of which i am the only member. not a strange place for me - my 1st job in radio was as the news director for an oldies station. oh - i was the ONLY news person in the place. still looks shiny on a resume. then i was head of PR for the NYS Senior Games....you guessed it - just me. impressed Bernadette Castro though. so anyway. all i can think of is getting on that plane on time. oh - PLUS plus....apparently our return flight is on American...guess who just grounded a bazillion of their planes for wiring problems? hmmm...American? yup. snicker. i may end up braiding hair by Coki Beach for a living. at least i wouldn't have to listen to people screaming that their teeth are backwards or some such crud. i am still a phlegm factory, in case you wondered. so gross. so before i continue along those lines, i'm going to bed. and ponder my new job title: Princess of Piss-n-Moan. Czarina of Screamers. Emotional Pinata. hmmm...nothing has that ring to it. i'll keep thinking. L.

let me get this off my chest

ahh yes, the ongoing saga of the brassiere bungle. so today, i took myself to Sears. that's right, plain old Sears. where i found an IDENTICAL bra to the one that was sitting in a very pretty bag at my home. well, nearly identical. the one in the pretty bag cost $60. the one i was holding in my hand on a cheap plastic hanger at Sears....2/$20. and then buy 2, get 2 50% off. so i could get MANY bras for the price of the ONE bra at home. that's shoppers math. remember now, i used to OWN a lingerie store...i know for a TRUE FACT that the self-same Victoria's Secret bra that costs $40+ can be purchased at BonTon, Sears, even (gasp) KMart. same maker. same quality. different label. same pair of Indonesian hands make each bra. so to pay more is just silly. so instead of paying more, i bought more. i intend, on wednesday morning, to return all of the bras. (the pretty bag bras). the straps slip off my shoulders, the sizes vary widely and the fit on at least one of them is excruciating after 15 minutes. so today in Sears, i bought 6 bras (some just for play), a pair of underpants to match 1 of them, 1 pair of pj pants (cotton), 2 slinky nighties for my trip, and a plain old white cami. guess how much? Guess! $140.00. And...AND...2 of those bras? they are THE new vicky's style...no underwire..no seam..molded kinda...they're basically a thin piece of fun foam with straps. very comfortable. i have never, i tell you, never been so bra obsessed in my life. not since i got My First Bra. what an occasion that was. had to show everyone. stuffed that baby to within an inch of bursting. a 12 year old with a D cup. ( i know - next time take the kleenex OUT of the box). but i soon realzed i would always be an A. till i turned 40. then blammo. but i just want to get on with the business of getting dressed mindlessly. forget all the hoopla. these are clothes and unmentionables here. of course, tonight when husband and i were walking diva, he said (without prompting) that he loved my new makeover and that i should NOT EVER for a minute feel badly about the money i spent. i could've cried. for many reasons. one, because he noticed. two, because he noticed and remembered to tell me he noticed. and three, because if he actually knew how much i actually spent....i suspect there would've been a different ending to his sentence. but oh well. it's done. and we both feel okay about it. i am still a snot factory, sinus-wise. i packed snorkel gear, but it's unlikely i'll be able to use it. oh - the packing! well...after a few false starts and distractions, my whip-cracking finally took effect and around 3pm we got to it. mostly done - just the stuff you use everyday left to throw in at the last minute. and i have 1 suitcase and 1 mostly empty carryon. good for me! of course, the suitcase is about the size of my closet, but hey....so i'm off to blow my nose somemore. i may try getting the turkey baster out and attaching it to the vacuum hose.....L.

my girls have a home

i am just tired. tired tired. the cough. the nose blowing. which is why i should have stayed home in bed today. rather than go out on a damp, chilly day. which somehow inspired me to leave my mind at home and accidentally do something really really wrong. now, i say "really really wrong," but i am betting (well, i would be if i had any money left) that once or twice you've overspent on something. accidentally. so i guess with that knowledge to bolster me, it isn't such a difficult confession. i'll just say it: i spent $440.00 on bras today. there. i said it. now, one of my typically long explanations. see, it really may be Gail's fault. a few months ago she told me about a store in Armory Square that does for real live bra fittings. i usually grab the cheapest bra off the rack that seems to fit okay - doesn't ride up here, nothings muffins out the top, minimal back fat, etc. i am not what you'd call a slave to fashion, and the bra part of it is such an annoyance anyway. but when you go from an A to a C in record time, you need one. and you kinda want one - it's a Big Girl thing. but they don't come with a fitting...you kind of guess. i mean, even shoe stores have people that can fit you. but anyway. this Bra Fitter thing intrigued me, and with my newfound fashion itch, i figured it was time for a Real Bra. also, my old one was disintegrating. so off i went. la la la. unsuspecting. i should have been on guard...today is the anniversary of my 1st husband's death, and goodness knows how much HE loved lingerie, so today was Not The Right Day. then on the way downtown, i saw a falcon screaming down in a tuck after a pidgeon, and they both smashed into the side of a building. not a good sign - for any of us. but still i continued. i'll cut to the chase. the fitter was fabulous...she took one look at me and declared me a D cup. D cup?? yep. which explains why my other bra looked relieved as i threw it in the trash. it was maxed. so i tried on about 20 bras. after the first 15 i didn't mind her running in and out seeing my naked cellulite. i decided on 2 and then said heck throw in that pretty little pink party number for the husband's viewing pleasure. now mind you, i had my contacts one. i cannot see with them. not so well, anyway. 1 tag did seem to say $49 which i thought was on the high end of reasonable, but still okay....these were not Hello Kitty bras....they were big girl bras. so 3 bras. and 1 pair of matching undies for the party bra. she never called out the total, and didn't have a bonafide sales receipt - wrote it on a sticky note. i couldn't read the VISA slip (see contacts above). on the way home, on the highway, about 65-70 miles per hour, something she said kept going around in my head - it seemed weird. she had said don't forget to put these in your carryon when you go on vacation so they don't get stolen. like, why would someone steal my bra? it's not like they were diamonds. or a camera. and that started a connection to flight insurance which started me laughing that maybe i should insure them, and maybe my girls too. ha ha. and then, it started to dawn on me that i may have overspent. first, as i rifled through the bag, i realized that there was an extra bra in there, and AND the beige number i really wanted was not there. so. i find the slip. and put on my reading glasses. and almost pass out. thank God i was stopped at the side of the hiway. i was hoping a trooper didn't pull over to see if there was a problem. there WAS, but how to explain? i should have guessed that any bra that came in it's own little container was NOT a $49 bra. i should have known that any bra without a price tag is unlabeled for your safety. i shoulda shoulda shoulda didn't. so. i have 4 or 5 bras and 1 pair of underwear for $440. No groceries and the mortgage is due. but i got underpants, my friend. and the bra i wore out of the store that fit so well...well that now feels tight and my shoulders are going numb. so i called her. she was expecting my call. she thought she'd put the wrong size bra in the container (the party bra $175). i told her i hadn't checked, but that i had 1 bra too many and that 1 of the other ones was the wrong color. so tomorrow, when she isn't there, i will return the whole mess except for the 2 bras i went in for originally. but jeez louise. i don't even care about breasts for God's sake! they get in the way, they sag, they are a hinderance to conversation with some men. they serve me no purpose, as i am well past the point of inclination to lactate. (sounds so bovine). but i have them so i'll make peace with them...but apparently peace comes at a price. i was just so upset over the whole event that i actually told my husband how much i spent. he didn't have much to say. just left with his friend to go bullhead fishing. which in general points out the glaring differences between us. a regular Green Acres relationship we have. he'll come home tonight around 2am, smelling of worms and beer. Maybe this year he'll actually catch one of the ugly bastard fish and i BET you i BET you he tries to wave that MF stinky ugly fishthing in my face at 2am and then in 6 months i'll be on that reality show Snapped where they interview women in prison. and it all started with a bra. that's what i'll tell them. L.

ahhh thursday

it's thursday...my friday! still feeling like a booger factory and cough cough cough, but much better....better living through chemistry. that robitussin does the trick. of course it also made my mouth move like a chainsaw...yak yak yak. could not stop it all day. one man on the phones today actually said: "i can't listen anymore" and hung up. thankfully. he was not a nice man. so i've been racing around trying to get my application/CD/etc ready to get to the Everson tomorrow (the last day of the deadline of course). all set. last minute is so unlike me. i mean, i'm already packed for my trip next thursday. big surprise. i'll unpack and repack saturday. then wednesday night realize i liked the stuff i packed originally Much Better than the newly repacked stuff, so i'll re-do. again. that's just the beginning of my travel travails. i am not an easy person to travel with, i admit. my husband is the last minute king. this makes me Crazy (crazier?). i have attempted, this trip, to reduce my stress by increasing his. i have demanded that he be completely packed on saturday. he leaves sunday for boston, you see, and doesn't return until wednesday afternoon. he HAD planned to pack then. yeah right. NOW he informs me that his son has a Very Important lax game wednesday evening (in another city) and he will go to that. so we have to be at the airport thursday at 4am. y'all are fairly guffawing by now, aren't you? y'all just KNOW what will occur that morning. i can't even think about it. by the time we touch down in St Thomas (IF we make it) there will be Trouble. so by making him pack on saturday, he will go against his grain, but at least i won't have to listen to him swear and tear around at the best part of thursday morning while he tries to stuff a suitcase. i have already been harping on him for 2 months to find his birth certificate. so Tues night i Made him search. no can find. it is already too late to get one. i finally found it. i will tell him saturday. i guess the reason i hate to travel with another person is that my comfort level of timing is way off kilter with most everyone elses. i NEED to be extravagantly early. even if it means having to go through security 5 times because i have to go outside AGAIN to smoke. even if it means we are the only ones in the airport besides the cleaning crew. i do not care. and when i travel with my husband...oy vey. the responsibility of keeping track of Everything is on me - tickets, ID, etc, yet he fights me every step of the way....where's your birth certificate and license, husband? i thought i gave it to you. No. pat pat pat of the pockets. drip drip drip of sweat down my back. the boldest thing i ever did was this: i went to New Orleans years ago with a boyfriend. we were thinking of moving there (he is a jazz musician). we stayed with a musician friend of his, whose wife did not like me. at all. at all. so any time spent with them was misery. on the way to the airport to come home, we stopped in for a champagne brunch. boyfriend got rocked on champagne. i detest drunks. then we got stuck in a parade on the way to the airport. we were minutes from flight time as they pulled up. i grabbed my suitcase out of the car, said thank you for the hospitality, and made for the gate. they held the plane. he got stuck in security (the boots i'd given him had metal chains on them that kept beeping the equipment). he finally got on the plane, past the grumbling passengers who couldn't believe they had to wait for This. ...and his trombone in the hard case hitting everyone in the head as he made his way to his seat - the last row of the plane. luckily. before we even took off, he was in the bathroom sick, where he stayed for the entire flight. but my point is, i just decided that i would not be responsible for a grown person to get themselves where they needed to be. it is a bit different when there are wedding rings involved. so we recognize each other's idiocyncracies and try to work around them. anyway...time for bed. L

oy sniffle oy

so not long after i posted last time, i was struck down by the dengue fever. i'm sure when i vacuumed the 20-year old dust out of my closet, there was a small piece of it clingy ever so tightly to a dust bunny. then i stirred it up, and BAM. i was down for the count. ended up coming home early on Monday (everyone was grateful, as i was coughing and blowing my nose like i was getting paid to do it). got up tuesday and went right back to bed. decided to make it up by going in today. still a little on the crummy side, but since i'll be gone next thurs & fri and then all of the following week, i figured the effort would be appreciated. everyone is getting burned out at work...even with full staff onboard, it isn't enough. and the longer people wait on hold, the nastier they get. and they've had to wait a long while lately. thankfully i only get the joy 3 days a week, however the paperwork is a regular Mt. Everest. so between the Fever and the Frustration....no art this week, i'm afraid. i did drop off an entry to the Schweinfurth, so keep your fingers crossed for me. and friday (just under the wire) i drop off another to the Everson. so keep them crossed for a few weeks, would you? Criss Cross the squirrel is back - a sure sign of spring. we have a neighborhood squirrel that everyone thought was rabid at first....he spins around on the ground, then climbs part of the way up a tree and launches in a backdive back down to the ground - continuously. he'll hang by a foot from a branch while he eats whatever he's munching. after 3 months of watching this, we realized he would have succummed to the illness by then if he was infected. then we saw him the next year and realized he's just marching to a different drummer. we never see him in the winter...just spring through october. our neighbors & I do a neat thing every halloween....after the last of the candy is gone and all the ghosties are tucked in, we line up our pumpkins around someone's tree and let the squirrels tuck away some extra food for the winter. it's a riot watching them - they get right inside and chew their way out. the 1st time i caught one inside, i thought i'd wet myself laughing....i saw a pumpkin with a lopsided grin and a little head peeking out an eye. then a tail stuck out of the head. then a little furry head popped up, with paws propped on the rim...cheeks all full to bursting. so rather than toss the pumpkins out in the trash, we repurpose them into squirrel feeders. so i'm off to medicate - better living through chemistry.....maybe some Nyquil tonight....diva had me up 3 times last night to make sure i was sleeping okay....she paws at my head, then cozies down next to my face and sighs and goes right back to sleep. i, of course, am awake for the next 30 minutes. oh well...at least she cares! L.

so with this recent shopping extravaganza, came yet another purge. i have clothes from back in the day when they were stylish THE FIRST TIME. i have come to accept that i will never be a size 4 again. or a 6. or an 8. etc. so i grabbed a fistful of bags and started filling them....anything that was a size 8 or under - in the bag no questions or hestitation allowed. anything size 10 got tried on, and then juried for age appropriateness, judged by style in general, and had to pass the time test: when was the last time i actually wore it? and when was i likely to ever wear it again? only clothes that passed those rigorous standards got hung up neatly in the closet. see, the last few days, i have spent on a mission...almost epiphanous & evangelical. it started out simple enough - i needed a dress to wear to a "gala dinner" at a mountaintop villa in St. Thomas. husband won a sales contest with his company and we're off for a free week at the Ritz Carlton, with a dinner at this villa. (just so you don't think we do this sort of thing on a regular basis - it's all free from his company, okay?) But what the heck do you wear to that sort of dinner? i have dressy corporate Christmas party dresses, and some work-type dresses (loaded with dust), but nothing tropically gala dinner-ish. so my hunt began. in snow-covered Central New York not-the-fashion-capital stores. my search brought me to Skaneateles nearby. a skirt in a shop window caught my eye, so i stepped into the boutique. i'd been in this store before and was not impressed - mostly dowager style stuff. i was greeted at the door by Jake, with a tennis ball in his mouth...Jake is a Cairn Terrier with the most beautiful chocolate eyes and a wag that wins. so long story short, and $600 later, i had The Perfect Dress....and much more. (the dress was NOT $600....i left heavily laden). these bags went into the trunk of the car next to the others from the mall store. sorry. i'm uncharacteristically (sp?) onguard in these little Skaneateles shops...the area being known for it's celebrity summer folk, and snotty attitude clerks. well, this clerk and i just got down to it. we discussed how the female body changes so much throughout the years (especially 50+) and how to dress for it...not to look 20 years old, but to look & feel your best in clothes appropriate for 50+. (when you feel younger than 50 sounds, but have realized you ARE NOT). she took me to a new world, she did. i feel very What-Not-To-Wear savvy, without having the TV humiliation of the 360-degree mirror. i'm not one to spend excessively on clothes...i only office-work 3 days a week, and as long as i show up - they're happy. dressing for an office is appreciated, but attendance is foremost. but i always had a fashion-lapse in the casual clothes dept...i'd always feel like a dork going to the kids' games/events wearing unfitting & unflattering clothes. or an art event. or anything not requiring jeans & Timberland boots. it's hard to explain - not that i felt i had to "compete" with the other women there, but wanting to feel comfortable (physically) in my clothes and not look like i just jumped out of the dumpster (which i usually just had!). and a lot of it was about feeling worthy enough to be able to spend on myself - being a woman and having a few of those "oh no you take the last piece of pie, i'm not hungry" programs still embedded). so i now have a closet full of clothes that flatter my figure - go figure- and don't look like 17-year old Jenny's or 70-year old mom's. which brought up all sorts of thoughts in my pretty little head about women's relationships and clothing being the "book cover" that tells if she's "one of us" and social status and all sorts of things that 1st impression weigh. very interesting if you think about it. i know that when i pull my hair back in a ponytail, wear my glasses, jeans and a tshirt, i get treated differently in stores than if i've actually blown-dry my hair, took time for contacts & makeup (rarely) and worn a nice top, even with the same jeans. people will look me in the eye more, smile at me more, wait on me faster. is it the 1st impression? or do i feel differently about myself and project a different vibe that makes them want to avoid me? hmmm. so anyway, back to the shallower waters....i found a pair of jeans that are KILLER! i have The Hardest Time finding jeans...too long...too tight..to gappy in the back...need a crochet hook to remove them from the nether regions. these jeans are KILLER! made by Not Your Daughter's Jeans company. SOMEONE was thinking! more expensive than your average Levi or Lee, but fit like a dream and you buy a size smaller - yes smaller- than usual....see the label at the top. they say "clothes make the man," and i think i now know what they mean. i really felt so much better inside, knowing that my Inside was now reflected Outside as well. and, AND, i got a haircut. y'all know how i've been spoiling for a honkin' mullet, right? well, this is a modified-PTA approved mullet. a little longer where it usually is short, and a little more blended in the layer dept, but should i get a hankering - i can gel this thing to within an inch of it's life and BAM - mullet. so fun! so all in all, this week i reinvented myself back to the beginning...back to who i've become and was and will be. the inside is now outside and there is a nice harmony about the whole thing. ahhh. now about the 5 pairs of shoes.......

okay so where was i?

you know, my resolution was to stay positive on this blog, and so yes, it's true....i've lapsed in posting. the last week in particular has tried my patience and trampled on my last reserve nerve with Mother Issues. i won't degenerate into a blow-by-blow, but it seems that the epiphanous moments Mom & i have shared since last summer have POOF been yanked back behind closed doors. heavy doors. doors with stained glass windows. church doors. now i have tried out just about every religion there is and had come to the realization that it was my Beliefs, not a building that would would save my soul or forever damn it or whatever such stuff. i allow, however, that for some people, the pews and preaching and penance are the stuff that gets them by. and i have no quarrel with that. just Do Not use that as a cloak to hide yourself from me (or the world) while you sling arrows hidden in a bible. ***i was begged to work a full week last week due to a staffing crisis. so of course i did. mostly. it was too much. i left friday at noon. but i tried. so i've worn myself out here. i feel like an emotional pinata...hung up and whacked at. no candy fell though. i had to shop for days to get over it. so after all this bitchin and ranting, wants something to make you go "aaaawwww" ? grab a kleenex and watch this... http://www.telestereo.com/Archivos/video.html so good. now. time to hug my diva and try on my new shoes. L.

the push

had a feeling this was coming...the boss has asked me to work a FULL week next week...the team needs me. actually the team needs about 8 more members. don't you just hate it when companies expand faster than their ability to service their customers? our newest member left monday night as usual, then called tues to say his baby had to have surgery. like, didn't you know that on monday? hasn't been back since. called to say the baby was doing fine (which was all ANYONE cared about) and that he'd understand if he didn't have a job anymore. dufus. if he came back tomorrow, they'd make him queen. that's how desperate we are for help. and the longer people wait on hold, the nastier they get. i swear to GOD if i ever find out ANYONE i know is sarcastic, nasty or rude to ANY customer service person on the phone, i will call you and make a loud noise into the earpiece and perhaps deafen you for life. it is NOT my fault that you had a lousy dental experience. it is not my fault that your lousy dental insurance crapped out on their end of the bargain and decided not to pay for your lousy dental experience. I can try to fix the problem, even though YOUR insurance is YOUR problem. i'm just that kinda person....going the extra mile. or i can simply write off the balance due if it's small enough. or go to bat for you and have someone written up. there is a lot i CAN do to help you feel warm & fuzzy ...and i am so very willing to do it IF you act like an adult talking to another adult. I have a college degree... i'm 50 years old...i've been on your end of the phone before many times, so i understand. truly. and i have n-e-v-e-r been nasty to the other person. ever. so do NOT roll all your life's disappointments into a giant ball, call me, and heave all your verbal purgings at me. i am not an emotional pinata for your whim. and i so desperately DO NOT need this job that i will hang up on you and you will have to wait 20 MORE minutes to yell at the next person. or, if luck should find me twice, you may get ME back again. and i'll be ready for you, my friend. whew. i feel better! but where was i going with this? oh - the 5-day week. after i just finished gloating about a 3-day week. i have been feeling like I may be pushing it in the luck dept with this whole part-time thing. i mean it was last august that it started, and i'm sure they thought it was a 2-3 week gig. things are just starting to pop for me opportunity-wise, so i'd hate to waffle it all up. nothing more frustrating than having all the opportunity but no time to create stuff to take advantage of that opportunity. we'll see what next week brings. though i can guess. 5 days of weak coffee, 5 mystery sandwiches, 2 extra days of trying to find similar socks, 2 extra days of missing my diva. she sits by the frosted glass panel by my front door every morning watching the car back out. i try not to look, but i can see her little ears. apparently then she starts her wolf howl, though it sounds more like Zamfir swallowed his Pan Flute because she is a leetle bitty wolfy. tomorrow is her followup appt with Dr. Unibrow. i hope he says a-o-k, and gives her her (literal) walking papers. she is just going crazy after no walks for 12 weeks. well, let's say "not many walks," because i snuck 1 or 2 in. but not many more. so, time to get cracking on my rust....because next week i have to work. 5 days. oh yeah poor me. sometimes i really shake my head at myself. L

yikes!

so, you believe in "coincidence" do you? well, think on this: last week, i actually got dressed, and drove aaallll the way downtown to the gallery ...my angelfriend had some nifty boxes and some rusty stuff for me. when i got there, there was a problem procuring the boxes, but she told me to go in the trunk of her car and grab the box in the left-hand corner....it was my stuff! so i did. some real nice rusty stuff at that, but curiously, a pump-ish looking thing...brand new. hunh. oh well. people have given me stranger stuff and somehow, someday i use it. later that day she called to inform me that her emergency tire inflator was NOT part of the deal. oops. so i would get it back to her before she left on her trip downstate on monday. surely she may need it. thing after thing stopped my progress. i never did get it to her by monday. no worries, she said, but i felt bad about it. well tonight, the stepper comes in and informs me that i have a FLAT TIRE. so odd. but (cue the twilight zone music) I happen to have an emergency tire inflator. hunh. coincidence? angels? Someone looking out for me who knew my annual review at work tomorrow would go much smoother if i wasn't actually late for it? hunh. that's all i have to say. L.

the rest of that thought

sorry - fell asleep before i could finish thinking what i was thinking. but anyway, to pick up on that train of thought...the learned response thing. it's funny, but you see people in impossible, yet (to you) easily changeable situations and think, "why don't they change/move/quit that job/leave that person, " etc etc. In my Abused Person training (some good did come out of that horrid job!) the instructor explained about learned behavior....after a while of reacting a certain way to a certain situation, a person's brain will naturally follow the same patterns it has become used to - ingrained, conditioned. much like a well worn path through a meadow, except usually not as healthy. at first, (and i'll use the abused woman example here, as it's easier to picture) (unfortunately), when a partner acts unacceptably - yelling, cranky, limiting - our first nurturing inclination is to Make It All Good. fix the boo-boo, give them a "pass" on bad behavior for any number of real or manufactured reasons. That behavior then (sometimes) becomes the norm and may even escalate. by then, we've already mentally established a higher bar for tolerance..."well at least they aren't hitting." but by then, you're feeling nervous, caged in, whatever...you aren't happy about it, but what's to be done? so as the patterns and responses become more ingrained in your head, they become the "norm" even if you don't like them. if you haven't changed them by changing the situation, they will continue to deepen. much the same with my adrenaline/fight-flight response. anything other than calm order would trigger the "high alert" mechanisms in my brain, and full mental body armor would clang into place. till i changed. it took quitting that job, and taking some well-deserved time off. luckily, i found the wherewithall to do that. don't ask me where or how. i just did. and it's funny how they say "cops stick together" or "the blue brotherhood" but it's true in a sense...you cannot imagine what they see/hear on a moment by moment basis during the course of a workshift. i would come home and try to tell my husband about an incident that disturbed me particularly that night - talk it out to get it gone - and he'd say "cool!" It was all cops-n-robbers to him...thankfully, he didn't have to talk to a person who was just shot and keep them going till an ambulance arrived...promise them you'll deliver messages to their moms or babies, etc. So the only folks that truly understood the ramifications of what went on during a particular incident du jour were the ones by my side at the job. it's a strong bond. and breaking that bond, cutting those ties, was part of the process to erase the patterns. i tried to stay in touch for a while, but found my heart racing and palms sweating while they recalled stories from their day (or night, as crime doesn't punch a clock!). you cannot stay "friends" with an abuser. and in my case, my job was my abuser. And i had become an adrenaline junkie - my mind telling my body that this feeling was a Good Thing, perpetuating the chemical drama. so i guess recognizing that these physical feelings of anxiety are there to tell me Do Something, i also recognized that i had a choice in my current opportunity: i could let them turn to fear, or recognize them as the excitement - good excitement - that they were intended to be. can i tell you...i'm excited! mostly because of the opportunity, but also because it was a "checkup from the neck up..." and i passed. but to read my past post it is strange to see how very real and contorted things can look if you don't seperate out the logic of the situation....roller coaster enthusiasts will tell you they feel the same mix of fear & exhiliration...now - which one wins? stay on the ground? or hit the loops? (in that case, my friends, you ride alone...bad example). trust me - don't let familiar fear rule your life...there's just too much out there to enjoy! boy can i ramble after a few cups of double-caff ! off to my rust! L.

tuesday/friday

so, my tuesday is the first of two fridays. what i mean is, i have wed AND fri off, so tuesday is like a friday to me, as is thursday....if you work a normal work week. see, now, i was just playing with you there! i just got confirmation that YES i'm in! Squam that is! gotta love FedEx. and after trying to negotiate hormones and thoughts, and tear apart and tear down the reasons why there's any hesitation at all, i came to realize that it was a learned pattern going on. so i said "stop" to my brain, and adrenaline and whatever all else that decided to start in on the silliness, and you know, it did. having worked at 911 for so many years, the constant inhumanity and horror of what came over your phone all night just takes a toll. your mind and body react to anything out of the regular routine in a primative "fight or flight" reaction....surges of adrenaline tell your mind that there's something scary here...something that needs attention, a decision to be made. and those patterns take a long while to erase. and here it is - this many years later....just time to get r-i-d of it. so i did. and it's good. and i am truly looking forward to grabbin' my Garmin and goin' ! got to have the Garmin....i still can't find my way out of a paper bag! well....time for The Show...later! linda

bending and not breaking

last night, the chill rain turned to ice, and left layer upon layer of thick, cold prisms on my tree branches....limbs from 40-foot trees bending to touch the roof of the house...smaller cedar trees touching the ground. all night the sounds of ice breaking free and hitting the roof. today, i'd hoped the sun's warmth and longer day would free the boughs from the icy hold. some seem to be bouncing back....others - not yet. for no reason i can comprehend, this reminded me of myself....today, i put my application in to attend a workshop in new hampshire. i had to attach a deposit of $350. i put it in a fed-ex envelope and dropped it in the box before i could change my mind. this would be a trip i'd take alone. no hotels nearby to ensconce mom, my co-pilot. after the initial ecstacy of the workshop opportunity wore down a notch, the reality of the situation started to make me waver a bit. once a gregarious risk-taker, of late i find myself a homebody and shunner of social situations on the whole. yes, i know i was the one who organized the nearly-nightly "driveway parties" in our neighborhood. yes, i am the same one who has no fear of public speaking. but something about driving anywhere out of my comfort zone, and being in this small group situation makes my palms sweat. i can't pinpoint the moment when or why this started. it comes and goes, this anxiety. at one point forcing myself to go to church - sweat running rivers to my waist - to a place i was comfortable with and familiar with. then came the years of what can only be described as "the control freak." if i knew who/what/where ahead of time, i would be able to go. last minute, impromtu gatherings of any size were more than i could bear. and along with the anxiety was an intense annoyance at myself for being anxious. why? i mean, i had been a reporter for a lot of years - the job description, for goodness sake, was to go to an unfamiliar place and meet an unfamiliar person and ask them intensely personal questions that they will probably be annoyed at you for asking. (usually within feet of a sheet-covered victim). and it gave me such a rush to do it. death threats (well, one) just made me smile. now - the mouse has taken control. not as much as before, but still a quiet hesitation. those of you who know me well would not have known me at the Boston workshop....did i say 1 word? nope. part of that was just being so overwhelmed by the whole experience. but still. so although i am just dying to go to this workshop, and know i will love every second of it, i will probably sweat the whole way there. i picked a "single" room. others have said they intentionally ask for a roommate in order to meet other artists and share ideas, etc. That sounds great, but i know i need "alone" time as well, and will be glad for a non-shared room. this time no co-pilot, no familiar face. it probably sounds a lot more dramatic and intense than it really is. i just have a much higher need/tolerance for solitude than others, i think. so before i wavered again...PLUNK....the envelope went in the fed-ex box and my journey continues. cross your fingers! oh and i need $600 more, so should you happen upon an envelope.....the universe said to give it to me.....:) L.

look what i found!

for all you collage purists out there...tasty! http://scrapiteria.blogspot.com/

oh by the way

Mariah & Kaver are back and courting! http://rfalconcam.com/rfc-main/mainView.php

bleu

yesterday i was noodling around some of my favorite blogs, and it seemed everyone was having a blue day. oddly, i was working on a piece and the main color was blue! however.....it was anything but a "blue" day for me. (always one to be 1 step out of step i guess!). some amazing things happened. actually a small series of happy things that just made it a Gratitude day. i'll start with the mundane: in my never-ending quest for glasses/contacts that Actually Improve my vision, i've finally hooked up with an optician/opthalmologist who seems to know her stuff. we'll see upon delivery of my new groovy glasses (lime green and black). now, on to other issues. on my list of Things To Do, was a trip to the Delavan Art Center to see my angelfriend who had some really really swell boxes for me...and some incredible rust n stuff. (i accidentally took her emergency tire inflator thingie too. oops). on my way out the door, i saw a brochere for a call-for-artwork. the deadline, alas, was that day. HOWEVER there was a little sticker in the corner of this only-brochere-left that said the deadline had been extended!! my problem is that i never know what images to send. each piece is equal in my sight, so i waver like a bad politician till the deadlines pass for these things. this time, i'll close my eyes and pick. so that was a good thing. now, these little gems are in no particular order of occurance or importance, so follow my winding trail here. when i got up yesterday, i started work on another piece(!) using the aforementioned and dreaded Blue as the main color. i'm a rust and patina gal, and Really Really hate Blue...my mom once decorated every room in our house blue, and you get to being bored with it after a while. anyway, this Blue ws unfamiliar territory, so i thought i'd procrastinate a bit and went to check out some favorite blogs. well! you know how i've been crying and gnashing my teeth over wanting to go to a workshop this summer? too far...too expensive...too not interesting. but i really felt like i needed to expand my skills. so right there was a workshop. mentioned in the very first blog i checked. in New Hampshire. not so awful far. not like Portland. or Tuscany. it's at the same location where they filmed On Golden Pond. and the Very First class i saw was the EXACT class i'd been searching for. it felt as good as a puzzle piece clicking into place. the cost isn't so awful bad....actually inexpensive for this type of thing. now i need $1000, so concentrate your energies on that! but wait! my angelfriend also (on top of procuring uberboxes) told me about a professional development grant i could apply for to defray the costs. be still my heart. i floated the idea past husband and he grudgingly said he wouldn't mind. (now, just so you know, that was a courtesy "ask," as i was planning to go either way). so i will be stingy with my money between now and then! i'm sending the application in today. so all in all, it was a Blue day, but not the kind of blue that makes me sad...more like a clear sky blue. *** so the stepson is coming home for a visit today. i think he's been taking his "protein supplement" powder because his attitude has been horrible...quick to anger and unable to control it. he actually told a professor that he "didn't work THIS hard a paper to get an F-ing D on it," and stormed out of the class. according to his sister. now, that is unacceptable behavior in any situation, but especially in a college classroom. a catholic college classroom. and especially if you ever ever hope to get a better grade from that professor....if you're allowed back in. so that will be dealt with by the husband while they're in a car going 60MPH coming home. i truly hope he stays at his mom's. i am not in the mood for his chaos this weekend. i have a lot to do, and don't want to leave diva alone with him. he yells at her and scares her. and she's been such a good princess lately. so my double-caffeine coffee is making me ramble now, so i'm going to say goodbye. then i'll probably call each of you and repeat everything i just wrote, so don't bother reading this, or don't answer if i call....L.

what a day! i woke up to ice everywhere - my car encased in it, the driveway treacherous with it...by lunch - almost 60 degrees! no coat needed here! a much needed respite. yesterday morning was a little scary. as i sat at my computer, i felt a sudden explosion of hot hurt in my chest. it subsided after about 3 minutes. i remember thinking the strangest conglomeration of thoughts: "should i call an ambulance? if so, who would i get at 911? a friend? do i want to die? thank God i shaved my legs. what if this is nothing and it subsides before they get here and i waste a perfectly good day hooked up to an IV wearing a drafty gown and aqua foam slippers?" so i didn't call. and it did subside. and i will get it checked. but the rest of the day I subconciously reached for my chest, patting it. that night, despite just having a gyno appt on fri, i again did a self exam, since something didn't feel right...something felt heavy. and a little hurty. and there it was - a little lump. well, maybe not little little....just smaller than, say, an acorn. could my dr have missed that? i had been scheduled for some more tests wednesday, and remembered that i asked them to throw in a mammo "to complete the whole experience." thankful now. my body is just throwing tantrums left and right. my mind - never been better. today i smiled as though my life depended on it, and you know - it helped. still with the pains in the joints etc, but for the while of the smile...perfect, as Patty would say. i told my husband about the chest pain. not the lump. for some reason, that seemed too concrete, too scary to even whisper aloud. a laundry list of aches, pains and bodily disrespect is different - no actual diagnosis to point to or fear. a lump, though. that's where the mind jumps the high diving board into the empty end of the pool. so wednesday at 3pm, i'll go to the Imaging place, let them squeeze and inject and xray and intrude my otherwise private places and see what happens. then i'll treat myself to something wonderful and decadent. hot fudge sounds good right now. so cross your fingers for me. i'll report back. right now, speaking of squeezing.... it's time for diva's quarter-hour hug. L.

ok so the paint is dry and i'm rested up...should be - i fell asleep on the couch from 2-5pm, then bumbled around the house till i could justify bedtime. hubby and i are still waging a slow battle about whether or not we need new cupboards...i say no. our $1500 kitchen facelift is trying to turn itself into a $10K remodel. have i mentioned that even the... $1500 is a stretch? 1 in college and 1 headed there (hopefully) in sept. So now is not the time to spend $$$ for cabinets when the old ones are just fine. at least the paint is done. i got up at 6am to do some more dabbling on a piece i'm working on using an old camera body. the main hurdle was to try to stop seeing it as a camera, and thus shake off the "camera connections." lens=eye, etc. finally past that, now what?? it's going well though. i am in desperate need of visual stimulation though....even the outdoors is blank and white. i love watching the birds dive-bomb into the window feeder...all their fuzzy colors so beautiful against the snow. i pulled out some old art magazines for inspiration this morning. it makes my heart ache...i am just craving the next step...beginning to tire of the same old methods...i really really need to get myself to a workshop, just to get the enthusiasm going. **so mom tells me my sister-from-another-mister is coming for a visit in june. i've only met her twice, having learned of her existance when i was 21. she lives in canada. there'll be more on that topic another time. but it's looking like this visit is mom's way out of the africa trip. it is beyond her that more than 1 good thing can happen per year. we'll see. she's on the Oprah train now, so maybe some of that take-care-of-yourself stuff will sink in. well, my glue is dry...back to it. L.

getting there

so with the uber-supervisor in control, we will "git er done." and i do mean "in control." so what do you get when you cross an OCD, knows-the-Best-way person, with a very busy let's-just-get-this-nightmare-over-with-so-I-can-make-art person? yup. US. trapped in a small little kitchen. has all the makings of a good sitcom. i'm too tired to give you a detailed account right now, but to our credit, no blood has been shed. of course, we're still on the 1st coat. love the smell of latex in the morning. so here's a finished area....the small squares of color are tile samples for the counter......

sure beats the R-E-D! back to it...had a quick chips n guac break. by the way - am i the last person to discover that Wholly Guacamole comes in individual snack sized packets? i love that stuff! just the right amount of tang to it. yum yum. uh oh - i hear the paint roller........gotta go..........L

isn't she amazing?

hurry spring! meanwhile, i'm off to paint the kitchen!