a Tiny description

a full time artist, stepmother, radio personality, and mom to an energetic Chug dog, tries to get through the days without committing a felonious act. My life is a rickety Zen circus.

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Sunday, March 09, 2008

bending and not breaking

last night, the chill rain turned to ice, and left layer upon layer of thick, cold prisms on my tree branches....limbs from 40-foot trees bending to touch the roof of the house...smaller cedar trees touching the ground. all night the sounds of ice breaking free and hitting the roof. today, i'd hoped the sun's warmth and longer day would free the boughs from the icy hold. some seem to be bouncing back....others - not yet. for no reason i can comprehend, this reminded me of myself....today, i put my application in to attend a workshop in new hampshire. i had to attach a deposit of $350. i put it in a fed-ex envelope and dropped it in the box before i could change my mind. this would be a trip i'd take alone. no hotels nearby to ensconce mom, my co-pilot. after the initial ecstacy of the workshop opportunity wore down a notch, the reality of the situation started to make me waver a bit. once a gregarious risk-taker, of late i find myself a homebody and shunner of social situations on the whole. yes, i know i was the one who organized the nearly-nightly "driveway parties" in our neighborhood. yes, i am the same one who has no fear of public speaking. but something about driving anywhere out of my comfort zone, and being in this small group situation makes my palms sweat. i can't pinpoint the moment when or why this started. it comes and goes, this anxiety. at one point forcing myself to go to church - sweat running rivers to my waist - to a place i was comfortable with and familiar with. then came the years of what can only be described as "the control freak." if i knew who/what/where ahead of time, i would be able to go. last minute, impromtu gatherings of any size were more than i could bear. and along with the anxiety was an intense annoyance at myself for being anxious. why? i mean, i had been a reporter for a lot of years - the job description, for goodness sake, was to go to an unfamiliar place and meet an unfamiliar person and ask them intensely personal questions that they will probably be annoyed at you for asking. (usually within feet of a sheet-covered victim). and it gave me such a rush to do it. death threats (well, one) just made me smile. now - the mouse has taken control. not as much as before, but still a quiet hesitation. those of you who know me well would not have known me at the Boston workshop....did i say 1 word? nope. part of that was just being so overwhelmed by the whole experience. but still. so although i am just dying to go to this workshop, and know i will love every second of it, i will probably sweat the whole way there. i picked a "single" room. others have said they intentionally ask for a roommate in order to meet other artists and share ideas, etc. That sounds great, but i know i need "alone" time as well, and will be glad for a non-shared room. this time no co-pilot, no familiar face. it probably sounds a lot more dramatic and intense than it really is. i just have a much higher need/tolerance for solitude than others, i think. so before i wavered again...PLUNK....the envelope went in the fed-ex box and my journey continues. cross your fingers! oh and i need $600 more, so should you happen upon an envelope.....the universe said to give it to me.....:) L.

2 comments:

Wisteria Cottage Arts said...

Hello...
we have not yet met but if all goes well we will if we are among the lucky to be in Ninas' class at Squam. My friend terry and i each have our fingers crossed. What will be will be.
Blessings
Colleen from Candia NH

kitasmom said...

I look forward to it!