Monday, March 03, 2008
what a day! i woke up to ice everywhere - my car encased in it, the driveway treacherous with it...by lunch - almost 60 degrees! no coat needed here! a much needed respite. yesterday morning was a little scary. as i sat at my computer, i felt a sudden explosion of hot hurt in my chest. it subsided after about 3 minutes. i remember thinking the strangest conglomeration of thoughts: "should i call an ambulance? if so, who would i get at 911? a friend? do i want to die? thank God i shaved my legs. what if this is nothing and it subsides before they get here and i waste a perfectly good day hooked up to an IV wearing a drafty gown and aqua foam slippers?" so i didn't call. and it did subside. and i will get it checked. but the rest of the day I subconciously reached for my chest, patting it. that night, despite just having a gyno appt on fri, i again did a self exam, since something didn't feel right...something felt heavy. and a little hurty. and there it was - a little lump. well, maybe not little little....just smaller than, say, an acorn. could my dr have missed that? i had been scheduled for some more tests wednesday, and remembered that i asked them to throw in a mammo "to complete the whole experience." thankful now. my body is just throwing tantrums left and right. my mind - never been better. today i smiled as though my life depended on it, and you know - it helped. still with the pains in the joints etc, but for the while of the smile...perfect, as Patty would say. i told my husband about the chest pain. not the lump. for some reason, that seemed too concrete, too scary to even whisper aloud. a laundry list of aches, pains and bodily disrespect is different - no actual diagnosis to point to or fear. a lump, though. that's where the mind jumps the high diving board into the empty end of the pool. so wednesday at 3pm, i'll go to the Imaging place, let them squeeze and inject and xray and intrude my otherwise private places and see what happens. then i'll treat myself to something wonderful and decadent. hot fudge sounds good right now. so cross your fingers for me. i'll report back. right now, speaking of squeezing.... it's time for diva's quarter-hour hug. L.
at 7:55 PM