my girls have a home

i am just tired. tired tired. the cough. the nose blowing. which is why i should have stayed home in bed today. rather than go out on a damp, chilly day. which somehow inspired me to leave my mind at home and accidentally do something really really wrong. now, i say "really really wrong," but i am betting (well, i would be if i had any money left) that once or twice you've overspent on something. accidentally. so i guess with that knowledge to bolster me, it isn't such a difficult confession. i'll just say it: i spent $440.00 on bras today. there. i said it. now, one of my typically long explanations. see, it really may be Gail's fault. a few months ago she told me about a store in Armory Square that does for real live bra fittings. i usually grab the cheapest bra off the rack that seems to fit okay - doesn't ride up here, nothings muffins out the top, minimal back fat, etc. i am not what you'd call a slave to fashion, and the bra part of it is such an annoyance anyway. but when you go from an A to a C in record time, you need one. and you kinda want one - it's a Big Girl thing. but they don't come with a fitting...you kind of guess. i mean, even shoe stores have people that can fit you. but anyway. this Bra Fitter thing intrigued me, and with my newfound fashion itch, i figured it was time for a Real Bra. also, my old one was disintegrating. so off i went. la la la. unsuspecting. i should have been on guard...today is the anniversary of my 1st husband's death, and goodness knows how much HE loved lingerie, so today was Not The Right Day. then on the way downtown, i saw a falcon screaming down in a tuck after a pidgeon, and they both smashed into the side of a building. not a good sign - for any of us. but still i continued. i'll cut to the chase. the fitter was fabulous...she took one look at me and declared me a D cup. D cup?? yep. which explains why my other bra looked relieved as i threw it in the trash. it was maxed. so i tried on about 20 bras. after the first 15 i didn't mind her running in and out seeing my naked cellulite. i decided on 2 and then said heck throw in that pretty little pink party number for the husband's viewing pleasure. now mind you, i had my contacts one. i cannot see with them. not so well, anyway. 1 tag did seem to say $49 which i thought was on the high end of reasonable, but still okay....these were not Hello Kitty bras....they were big girl bras. so 3 bras. and 1 pair of matching undies for the party bra. she never called out the total, and didn't have a bonafide sales receipt - wrote it on a sticky note. i couldn't read the VISA slip (see contacts above). on the way home, on the highway, about 65-70 miles per hour, something she said kept going around in my head - it seemed weird. she had said don't forget to put these in your carryon when you go on vacation so they don't get stolen. like, why would someone steal my bra? it's not like they were diamonds. or a camera. and that started a connection to flight insurance which started me laughing that maybe i should insure them, and maybe my girls too. ha ha. and then, it started to dawn on me that i may have overspent. first, as i rifled through the bag, i realized that there was an extra bra in there, and AND the beige number i really wanted was not there. so. i find the slip. and put on my reading glasses. and almost pass out. thank God i was stopped at the side of the hiway. i was hoping a trooper didn't pull over to see if there was a problem. there WAS, but how to explain? i should have guessed that any bra that came in it's own little container was NOT a $49 bra. i should have known that any bra without a price tag is unlabeled for your safety. i shoulda shoulda shoulda didn't. so. i have 4 or 5 bras and 1 pair of underwear for $440. No groceries and the mortgage is due. but i got underpants, my friend. and the bra i wore out of the store that fit so well...well that now feels tight and my shoulders are going numb. so i called her. she was expecting my call. she thought she'd put the wrong size bra in the container (the party bra $175). i told her i hadn't checked, but that i had 1 bra too many and that 1 of the other ones was the wrong color. so tomorrow, when she isn't there, i will return the whole mess except for the 2 bras i went in for originally. but jeez louise. i don't even care about breasts for God's sake! they get in the way, they sag, they are a hinderance to conversation with some men. they serve me no purpose, as i am well past the point of inclination to lactate. (sounds so bovine). but i have them so i'll make peace with them...but apparently peace comes at a price. i was just so upset over the whole event that i actually told my husband how much i spent. he didn't have much to say. just left with his friend to go bullhead fishing. which in general points out the glaring differences between us. a regular Green Acres relationship we have. he'll come home tonight around 2am, smelling of worms and beer. Maybe this year he'll actually catch one of the ugly bastard fish and i BET you i BET you he tries to wave that MF stinky ugly fishthing in my face at 2am and then in 6 months i'll be on that reality show Snapped where they interview women in prison. and it all started with a bra. that's what i'll tell them. L.