Wednesday, April 30, 2008
so at 1:38 am, diva dog decided there was Trouble...started barking like it was her job. in fairness, it IS her job to bark. but not at 1:38 am. unless there's trouble. who knows what set off her concern, but there you have it. after 10 minutes, my kidneys chimed in, and i was up. then of course, she decided SHE needed to go, which meant finding my sweats and out we went. because when she has to go, it cannot be ignored. she'll tap tap tap you on the forehead till you Get The Point. so out we go. now i'm stressed...not only do i have to worry about a potential monster in the house, there may also be a monster a/k/a skunk in the yard. she is on the trail of Something and will not be deterred. great. so my early to bed early to rise plan...pppfftt. except for the early to rise part, i guess. but i'm too tired to accomplish anything, but too wound to fall back asleep. no skunk. back in. upstairs. she slinks under the bed to her Special Hidey Spot and soon begins to snore loudly. i toss and turn. literally. never realized that was a literal description of sleeplessness before. i ponder that for a while. then i ponder the bills piled up by my desk waiting to be paid. then i ponder whether or not to quit my job. and then the pile of applications and forms and artist statements and other paperwork sitting next to the bills on my desk. the stress train has left the station. i wonder if i'll have a heart attack by 2:30am. guess not. i give up and get up. ok this could be okay...i'll get some collage work done that i had planned to do later, then shower and get the groceries done around 6am. that will free up a lot of extra time during the day. but i know, within a half-hour, i'll be tired and soldering my fingers together. then sleep will find me again. then i'll oversleep and get LESS done than i need to. or worse, i'll be semi-productive at this wee hour, then nap for, oh 6 hours, and get Nothing done all day. i'll be too groggy/awake to fall asleep at bedtime tomorrow (today?) and be exhausted for work on thursday. so then friday will be a sleeping-in day and i'll be less productive still. see? i have it all figured out. it's not like i couldn't blindfold myself, grab a stick, and whack pinata-like out at the world and hit stress lately. oh yes. i'm fully aware that diva was probably barking at a piece of stress that broke loose from my brain and was trying to slide past her in the night. flung away from the centrifuge of my worry center. this happens from time to time. a chain reaction of psychic dominos that activate. not psychic as in "you'll meet a tall, dark stranger," but more like the mental things that go bump in the night while you thought everything was under control. ahh, control. you again? thought we left you by the side of the road a few years back. well maybe just a second cousin to that particular sleep-stealer. so i am here to tell you, you are a lucky person indeed if you have someone who lives in a time zone that can be called at dark o'clock and not be awakened. i look out my window...nope - debbie's house is dark. friendship has it's boundaries at this hour. too late for a shot of nyquil, and alcohol would just invite in slobbery sadness. like, after a single sip. i am not a drinker. at all. i tried literally to count sheep. they all ended up in a heap after number 3 caught his little cloven hoof on the fence rail. sometimes it's a curse, this imagination thing. so i pictured myself on a sandy beach...the breeze blowing warm...the ocean waves shhhushhing up to the shore...ahhh, relax, breathe in. OY! a jellyfish washes up and stings my foot. for the love of cocoa puffs. i hop over to the tiki bar of my imagination and order up a double iguana colada...with TWO umbrellas please! as i head-freeze the colada down, i am reminded of vacation. and getting stuck in the rain on public transportation (which is a jeep cab towing a tram-like thing) for 2 hours while we went around and around the island because we didn't know where our stop was and the driver promised He Promised to stop & let us off at the right stop but said he forgot and the man next to me for the last 45 minutes just reeked REEKED i tell you of some unknown cooking, lack of hygeine, who knows what smells combined with a flatulence that would rival any ANY i tell you cabbage farmer reunion. as i bolted off the bus and shoved $2 at the driver (we were told $1 per person) and he yelled "HEY you went up and back $2 more" and the world stopped and stared at us , at that moment when time froze, i swore i would never Never ride another bus as long as i took breath. (luckily when we jumped off the bus (bus yeah right) we jumped into a driving lane congested with traffic from REAL cabs, so the bus driver had to keep moving. luckily i say, but only for his sake because i was really wet and really angry). so now i'm re-pissed at the "bus" driver, and still not tired. on (real) vacation, after narrowly escaping death in the taxi-driving lane, we ducked briefly into a sunglass store go figure, where a russian girl working there ended up selling my husband a $200 pair of sunglasses IDENTICAL to the pair he was wearing. so captivated by her accent, when she asked to see his glasses, he didn't notice that she was not about to return them till he had parted way with a few greenbacks. well, that or maybe when i growled a bit and suggest she hand them over to me for safekeeping n-o-w. such an ugly american am i when i am wet-hen mad. all was forgiven as he purchased his new Tommy Bahama's and we went merrily skipping the the Real Live Taxi Stand and dripped into the velour luxury of a cab bound (for certain) to our hotel where i dripped over for a pedicure. the rest was detailed elsewhere. nope i'm still not tired. you tired of reading this? it's okay. i tend to ramble. so i guess i need to take a breath and realize that my lack of sleep is due to feeling a lack of time, which is due to the incredible opportunities that have been placed before me. artwise. shows and sales are abounding and i'm flattered that the universe, and my friends, have deemed me artworthy enough to include me in the works. and promote my art even when there is not an open oportunity for them. i have been abundantly blessed. and as my Pepcid AC begins to calm the churning reflux in my stomach, i am able to see a portion of the banquet that has been laid before me. worthy or unworthy of this bounty of friendship and opportunity....a question for someone else some other time. it Is. it is. it is. it has been the most magical few years. 2 years ago, i had a sense that i needed to hold on and open my eyes and watch as things happened. as i have opened my eyes and watched, the weavings and interplay of events and "chance" meetings of my life the past 2 years, i am amazed. all things truly do work together. humbling. awe-inspiring. how the good and the seemingly bad have all come together. and i doubt i am anywhere near the final stitch of the tapestry. i hope not. the colors are beautiful. the textures wonderful and rich. despite the fact that i am up at this early hour churning and mentally pacing about, i have a good life. a great life, actually. such a gift to be given - to be able to be up at this hour distressed about not having enough time to fully appreciate all the advantages that have been placed under my tree. to have so many gifts given that my arms are straining under their load. i asked for abundance, and surely that's what i have been given. and i am thankful beyond words. beyond pacing. beyond worry. beyond every gift-horses-mouth, i am truly awestruck to think that this tiny speck of a human on a tiny speck of a horton hears a hoo planet has somehow been given all that i have been given. hunh. i feel even smaller. and maybe a little tired. oops - a yawn. ok maybe i'll punch that pillow a little more and the sandman will come out from his poker game with the tooth fairy. can you just imagine it? L.
at 2:41 AM