i CANNOT stop painting! well, i say "painting," but i'm really diggin' the chalk pastel-under-matte medium look Big Time. i'm up to 6 now, and i feel like a crack monkey in a lab...i only have 1 gesso board left, and a 12x12 canvas gifted me by Sue (who i'd link to, but she seems to have taken great joy in posting a picture of me from our cabin that's, well, well it was before the fire event). anyway, i'm up at 4:30 making packing tape transfers and mainlining alcohol inks and chalk and matte medium and all manner of art stuff. then down to the wire - hit the shower, throw on whatever falls off a hanger and off to work. which puts me in a sulky mood at best. my cube neighbor peeked around the divider today after listening to me try to shake some change out of an insurance company's pockets ("what do you MEAN she had full dentures last year?? okay - remember the EXTRACTIONS on the SAME CLAIM you paid for???) and she peeked timidly around the corner, and said "duuuude." and i realized i needed some balsam fir sachet or extra easy listening music or maybe a cabin boy/man to help with ....whatever. so i took a breath and took a lap around the cube farm and made a plan to win the lottery this friday. so everyone send good energy and i'll buy a mid-squam reunion for anyone/everyone who needs a mid-squam shot. i'll try to post more pictures but honestly, my camera is not made for this kind of detail. trees - yes. volcanos -check. close up art - not so much. i get my little stitched up diva dog back tomorrow. it's been 2 weeks - the longest we've ever ever been apart. and i miss her most of all. kitten misses her too. except at night when dogs rule the bed. kitten has gotten used to snuggling in all the puppy places. so here's the beginning of a list of things i don't want to forget about squam: Oh My God! The baby's missing! ... reading the fire safety instructions a few minutes too late (no worries Elizabeth - there was no fire. pinky swear) ...Cal - you're The One ... #2 wasn't trying very hard ... recycled clothes from bottlecaps - who knew? ... my favorite tree ...valet parking ... WT took my mortgage money but THOSE BOOTS! ...midnight skinny dippers...the wild things in the woods pre-squam...the wild things in the woods during squam...the stinky cats in the woods during squam...and by the way, the woods are much much darker when there's only 2 people in them...the sound of the rain on the cabin roof... and so much more. but that's it for now.

Don't be satisfied with stories...how things have gone with others...unfold your own myth...without complicated explanation...so everyone will understand the passage: We have opened you. -Rumi No one sees the same speck in quite the same way...the moon looks different to each eye...come see for yourself...

i told you.... "some mischief lurks behind those laughing eyes" She Remembered When She Could Fly the other 2 were uncooperative with the camera. Thank you again sensei.

gentle - the word for the day

i am being gentle with myself today. funny, when i used to read those words in other blogs, or hear them in conversations at the yoga studio, i'd think "oh get off it...gentle with yourself??" but i now know. and i am being gentle with myself. or at least trying. this year's week at Squam was very different, and the return to home was less of a demarcation between sweetness, kindness, wonderment, and rules, schedules and obligations. because i am being gentle with myself. whenever i feel the tenseness returning, i walk slower, i take a breath, i think of woods & crackling fireplaces. not to escape, but to savor a few more hours of tenderness with myself. it's true (and i'm not ashamed) that i canceled my surgery today. it just felt like too jarring and violent a way to re-enter. there will be other days to do that. not today. and i suppose i knew i would cancel it way back on friday, when i painted my first painting...yes...i painted. and it was wonderful. the act of painting was...the result is for anyone to guess. but to me, it was beautiful. for on that canvas lay all my fears of painting and the like. not a huge thing, in the scheme of life, but a symbol, i suppose. so i knew i wanted to spend 2 days painting. and i got half my wish. in order to paint, i had to clear my worktable of fabric and rusty metal and wood and all manner of debris that seems to collect on flat surfaces. as long as i was doing that, i decided to unpack and do laundry. as long as it was late already in the day, i decided that monday would be the day i got all my chores done and set up my studio so i could tumble out of bed and ...paint. i have a niggling little voice on my shoulder that says i should be with diva as she recuperates. and at least 4 calls from mom last night and this morning assured me that i should feel guilty. rather than scrap paint plans and rush over, i realized there was nothing life-threatening or dramatic going on other than diva's total hatred of the elizabethan collar. and that problem was solved at 3am when the collar came off and some custom pj's were made for her from a pillowcase. she can't get at her stitches through the pj's and finally got some sleep. the rotties next door will enjoy this new look, i'm sure. more drama this morning involving my stepfather - no surprise. i simply refused to get sucked into the vortex. and i am painting. i know it all sounds very self-centered and selfish and uncaring of me to be la la la painting and being all gentle while my dog is stuck choosing between 2 fashion nightmares, but honestly, it is also time for me to stop that last bit of reactiveness that has nestled within me...that uber-prepared girlscout that is constantly on duty in my brain. she needs to grow up and grow away. and the reason why i am taking a gentle day away from the phone, and spending it with BB King and Golden Artist Colors is that the work that started within me last week is not quite done...there are still a few things that are almost gelled, but still a little ghostly and free form...they need to solidify a bit more so i can hold them in my hand, and turn them over and examine them, and make them a part of my whole. and today is the only day that could possibly happen properly. today before i return to spreadsheets and impossible deadlines and bad coffee and fast food for lunch. today is my gentle nest that i'm tucking into. i have cracked open, as my intention was. and i just remembered that i can fly.

ok - first no posts for evah, now 3 in a day. start at the first once (scroll down). well, it's my blog, so i can. the big news is: I Can Paint! whoo hoo! my fear of the brush is pfft. maybe it was that big blank canvas, maybe it was thinking i had to make an apple look like an apple when i didn't even want to make an apple - oy vey who knows? but i do know that Sarah Ahearn gets an award from me. you need to take a class from her, especially if you can't paint. i won't spoil the first half for you, but will warn you to watch your caffeine intake that morning. oh - and she has a book coming out which Must Be Pre-ordered so you won't miss out. well, you don't have to have to, but i would strongly advise it. it will have you cleaning your studio to make room for some spanky new stuff to play with. don't tell my husband. so thank you to those who asked - diva came through her surgery today with flying colors, and will be recovering at the Camp Grandma Resort and Spoiler Center for granddogs. tomorrow is my surgery day, and grandma will be running in 2 directions at once, as husband is out of town. i need a wife. the laundry is done. the bags semi-unpacked - the rest will wait for another day. i can only take so much trauma in one day, and unpacking is something i live to avoid. i wish i were Oprah sometimes. i'm stepping away from the box here now, and will be drinking some chai tea, listening to some smooth beautiful music, and dreaming of balsamy woods and smoky fires.

frustrated because it's going too fast to see but if you could see it, it wouldn't make any sense because you'd be looking too close... (from brian andreas storypeople)

re-entry

This week i learned: that a small cabin in the woods can bring large gifts.... the choice is yours... that a sunrise and a sunset have the same magical properties.... and a warming fire attracts friendship.... That it is often hard to determine what is "real" life, and what is a moment's escape to magic... it was a time to set intentions and go deep, but also to laugh and cry and make art and make friendships - with cabinmates, new best friends, and with yourself...to push yourself beyond...to expand and settle in quietly, as your spirit asked of you...for me, it was the best of everything...sharing a cabin with 5 other women was an uncertain prospect for me - i need a certain amount of "alone" time and wondered if that would be possible...on the long drive there, the words "crack open" wound through my mind...i have wrapped layers of warm, comfortable safety around me in recent years, and knew that meant shedding them. of course the irony is that in 2 of my workshops, it was all about the layering. where layers belong - in art, not in the heart. i learned that it is not my job to make sure the universe spins properly on it's axis - God & Elizabeth do that best. living in the "helpfulness" mode is a good dodge from helping yourself...to constantly flow outward makes for an struggle for inflowing goodness - think salmon swimming upstream...they eventually make the destination, but are exhausted. i learned that each person's presence makes a difference, even if they aren't aware of how important they are to the Whole. those that were there, those that were missing this year - each holds a piece to this gigantic, amazing puzzle, and each brings something that radiates in the soul of the Common. no person, not a single one, ever not ever is "just." whether you came and stayed quietly to yourself, or were big and exuberant, your spirit contributed to the common experience...you Are. Jen Lee's t-shirts said it best: Just Be True. and in being true, and authentic (that over-used word) you are being just exactly what the world needs - you are living your purpose & destiny. you were designed to be You for a reason. as my grandpa used to say, "a bagel without a hole is not a bagel." (mmmm. now i'm hungry for some of those incredible buffet crepes. and eggs. and maybe a waffle). it is important in so many ways to Be Yourself. and, if you've read this far, that is what i went deeper on this week. although i don't feel that i act in a false way normally, i saw that i was being untrue to myself...that by making sure everyone else's mask was firmly affixed to their faces before putting my own on, i was doing a disservice to myself, and not allowing the other to muddle through and learn and grow and experience. and i learned the fine line between that point and ignoring a true need for assistance...by being quiet within and letting the lesson gel within me. this year's Squam was unique for me, in that i was quieter, gentler, less worried about whether things would get done or if this person was having a good time, etc. i allowed myself to let go of the reins and indulge myself in everything that was there for me to learn...it was not up to me to manage anyone's itinerary or enjoyment or process. and it never was, and never is. but i finally Got It. i believe i will still be kind and helpful and compassionate, but in a healthier, less martyr-ish way. in my job, i will still love being involved in planning things and organizing things and working the process...it is innate in me and where my puzzle piece fits. but will be able to present things and then step back. thank you, kindred ones, for being yourselves this week with me...for allowing me to be quiet and happy and not in charge of anything but myself. and next year, who knows?

it is an auspicious day today - filled with remembrance and sadness and determination and gratitude to strangers and feeling that you want to reach out to those still hurting...please do. God bless America. ************************************************************************** oy - if you're checking here - thank you for not giving up! i've been trying to put in double overtime to get somewhat close to caught up at work...not that it would matter - i'm off tuesday through the following tuesday. a full week off. in the woods. with 150 like-minded artists and future BFF's. i vowed not to overpack as usual. and up till last night, i was true to that. but then again, i didn't start packing til today. i'm up to 3 large tote bags, a suitcase and a huge sterlite tub. and i haven't packed my class supplies yet! for the love of God. yes - i am really looking forward to getting away, and especially to getting There. each year holds it's own special vibe...a chance to learn and grow and dump old stuff and expand in ways you never thought possible. the first year was flat out panic. the second, a relaxed excitement. i wonder what this year will hold? i go into it with a quieter heart and steadier spirit...having found my spiritual center, once again. the rst of my life? a hot mess. but i don't feel tossed by the turbulance of it...more like moored safely in a harbor as the storm rages around. my steps are sure and steady. i await the Go sign that the Way has been cleared for me. and feel alive and grateful and anticipate the next phase of my life with excitement.

kick it

been working so hard? been punchin your card? you know way deep down in your soul.... total random coolness here

i've been asked if i'm superstitious....not really. but do i believe in magic? oh yes, i truly do. because i have been a part of some of the most inspiring, life-changing conjuring that has ever been...here. to say it's about art is correct, but misses the point entirely...misses the vibe of it all...the intention and result. the alchemy of grace and peace and acceptance and unwavering faith in another that They Are Able ...even when they don't feel able...the smell of pines and cedar...the call and response of the loons...the gentle sound of water reaching the shore, tagging IT and returning out again...much like the touchstone of the event itself - we arrive from wherever, and check our Life of Obligation at the door and enter reality...using each other as a touchstone to see our true selves as they are reflected in the others' eyes...hugs, hearts, spirits offered to the Buffet. so, yes, i believe in magic...i've seen it with my own eyes. (videos by Christine Mason Miller and Jen Gray)

mystical animals and alchemy

One of the most influential teachers I've had is Wendy Ellerton. it is an understatement to say we were meant to meet. the number of stars that had to align in order for me to take her 2-day workshop would fill a galaxy. and my only regret is that i didn't spend the 3rd day with her. make an opportunity to learn with her. Wendy brings to life mythical creatures and beings from thin air...she crafts legends and stories of these beings, then creates the image using wire and leather and felt and wood and stones, and whatever else the piece asks her for. she is a calm, certain person, who is more than generous with her time, knowledge, and materials. i am smitten by both her creatures and by her. all this being said...following my workshop with her, i began a bold sculpture of a 6-foot tall CrowWoman. Crows being one of my totem animals, it was just right. the work began fast and furious, but a funny thing happened...my hands became inspired by that work and took side trips through some amazing opportunities and growth and work that i am quite pleased with. but CrowWoman stands as she did 2 1/2 years ago, watching over the studio with just her breastpiece and some feathers and half of a beak. fast forward. it has been a very very long time since i have created art...yes, i have made some jewelry that is definitely wearable art. but Art with a capital "A" has eluded me...the flow of my energy and attention span has been more on the "ebb" side for almost a year, and a date with my pillow has been more compelling than a date with my dremel tool and paints. till last weekend. i took a drive looking for an open house. it rained last sunday like the sky was getting paid by the bucket. pull-over-don't-drive kind of rain. but i drove for 2 hours looking for a street i never found. that i have since found, and it was right under my nose. meanwhile, i made a stop at a shop near this street, and my favorite WiseWoman was working. our conversation ignited me. i tossed the open house idea, came home and began working on CrowWoman II ... a much much smaller version. an 8" version. and i cannot tell you the joy that has returned...the tuned-in, locked-and-loaded, ready for artMuse, endorphin flooding zone this CrowWoman has inspired. for whatever reason, my attention span has shortened - in work, in art, in general. it has become difficult for me to concentrate on one thing for very long, and that was where my frustration was blocking the ArtFlow. and i have learned now that i must think smaller, quicker, if i want to finish a piece. this may change. it may not. but it is what it is, and i am so very grateful for this insight and for the art that does flow. now, back to Wendy. this morning i decided that, despite being backlogged at work, i would not let my spreadsheets steal any more of my time this week. i stayed home, woke up as usual at dark o'clock, and spent those wee dark hours relaxing, thinking, ruminating....letting the art come forth. and it has. in no small part due to Wendy's instruction, and her "way." when i get stuck in the middle of a sculpture, i picture her standing back, tilting her head and saying "well i think this one is wanting to be..." so my points are this: 1) you never know how far your words will travel, and how much influence they will have...choose them carefully, for good or bad. 2) never ever give up on your art 3) listen to your body...it knows what it needs, and swimming against that current Will Not Work. 4)if you teach...give it all...don't hold anything back...your teachings will grow and birth new things which will repeat the process over and over in those that you teach, and again as they pass it on. if it is your Purpose, then do it righteously and authentically and without fear of "competition." 5) your life will be immeasurably enriched by taking a workshop with Wendy Ellerton...whether you plan to work 3-dimensionally afterward or not. 6) if there was anything else in this post that sounded Ah-Ha to you, then I meant it to be there. *smile*

so Mercury is in retrograde through september 12th. that's according to a calendar someone gave me that sits inside my cube at work. all sorts of occasions marked...holidays for religions i've never heard of, and the like. and i send out an email blast to all my peeps at work reminding them of whatever holiday is posted. and there is one every day of the year, believe me. so i guess that means that every day is sacred and special. somewhere. to someone. and so it should be to us. so here's the skinny on the retrograde, according to one source: The Mercury retrogrades that occur in 2010 provide the opportunities for us to make adjustments in the practical aspects of our life from the information brought to us through the Mercury retrograde in earthy signs; Capricorn, Taurus and Virgo (occurring in that order). Decisions about our goals and aspirations will be the focus during the December 2010 retrograde, assisting the transitions of career through the changing goals that will be evolving at that time.. Because we are making decisions to bring forward the visionary awareness into our new journey, new endeavors, new goals, the events during the Mercury retrograde time frames help us to veer away from the past and take bold steps into our new future. These adjustments will be very necessary as they allow us to make major changes, emphasizing our bold and innovative choices i'm not a huge horoscope person, unless i like what i read. i don't plan my life around it, unless it seems like, well, just maybe...i'm not superstitious, mostly. but i still won't walk under a ladder for practical reasons. that paint WILL fall on my head. just a little dithering before diva's walk.

anniversary

has it really been almost 4 years of posting? ah, it must be. for today is the anniversary of my sweet ManDog's passing, which was the event that started it all...this blog...the feeling too full of things that needed to get out, and nowhere to put them. so i started writing them here. never dreaming that i'd still be here 4 years later. sharing my thoughts and dreams and tender sweet moments and fury and all that has been good and all that has been rotten. and never dreaming that so many connections would be made. that was the gift sweet Kita left. yes, i still miss him as if it were just moments ago that i kissed his nose and told him i loved him to the moon and back. i wonder if diva still thinks of him...do dogs do that? i remember she mourned for some time...being uncharacteristically quiet, and subdued. not even caring if she bit the kids or went for a walk. he was a special spirit. he visits my dreams often, and although i know we'll all be together again some day, the waiting is a lonely time. i'll take this evening for quiet, and remembering, and allowing a little sad in, but also allowing the happy in, remembering time's shared and time marked. diva's getting older and slower and blurrier, and i fear soon she will leave me too. i ask her "not too soon...not yet." and her kiss is a promise. where Kita taught me about unconditional love, diva teaches me patience. i honor them both.

have you ever felt small? i mean really really small? well, next time, go here and you'll have something to write with.....i get jumpy just thinking about sitting that long

miss a day? bonus day? who knows, but i just KNEW today was thursday. but it's friday. which is usually good. but i have sooo much backlog work to do that i needed an extra day, not 1 less. i am going to tell you 3 words that could save your life: save save save. as in, when you are working in 5th gear on a never-ending spreadsheet that must absolutely must be completed very very soon, you must save your work constantly. so that when you pat yourself on the back for an extra hard day's work, you won't threaten your own life the next day, when *gasp* it's. all. gone. just gone. pppfffttt. now, i KNOW i was hitting save yesterday, because i was paranoid about losing my work, having worked so hard. and i distinctly and positively KNOW i thought i was acting like a crack monkey in a lab, clicking that save button that looks like a floppy disk that no one younger than me even knows what it is. which makes me feel old and decrepit. and my favorite IT guy is gone till monday so i have the weekend to sweat out if he can find my notes in cyberspace where it's formed it's own nebula, no doubt. i believe there is a place where the onesy socks and spreadsheet data go and form planets of fuzzy data. they orbit the earth and every so often you can catch a glimpse of the missing argyle or logarithmic thing-a-majig or whatnot. quite possible the Fuzzy Planet also has a ring encircling IT made up of Things The Cat Hides. the universe is a mysterious place, and sometimes if you concentrate on it for a while, it will shoot out a little star to you in the form of a Minor Miracle or Special Moment or a Feeling you thought was long gone. and soon, everything is right with the world,and the universe, and you are back to stargazing and spreading twinkledust and moonbeams...and seeing your own Self in the reflection of it all. okay new topic. i checked out statcounter, and was amazed by how many of you are sneaking in here from all over the world. i say this not to brag - not at all- it's just that i am not a facinating person, and it would be great if you introduced yourselves and maybe we could all talk. so...welcome to my home in the ether. please, grab a beverage, a cup of tea, and say hello.

shouldn't i have?

there's a Mary Chapin Carpenter song called "Passionate Kisses" where she sings about all the things she feels she deserves...little things...pens that don't run out of ink, and cool quiet, and time to think...ok, some little and some big...and it got me thinking about how women in particular, don't claim the things that they feel are important to them..."oh no, you take the last piece of pie," attitude that our mothers had. we deny ourselves for our "_____" fill in the blank...husband, kids, job, etc. And we don't do / buy / experience the things that will make us whole...make us, Us. i go to an art workshop every year in the cool, piney forest of NH. the first year i went, i felt like i had to DEMAND that it was okay to take this time and money for myself. i felt guilty. it wasn't really really expensive - stepson spent more than this in clothes in 1 shopping trip, and never wondered how the mortgage would get paid. so why did i feel like i should put MY dream on hold, or deny it completely? who knows what your dream is, or what your "want" is? in a perfect world, everyone would live their best life. and be encouraged by their Closest Ones to do so. but often it becomes habit to let one person (you) wait. and wait. i am approaching a point in my life where waiting is not an option...i am getting to the age where it will soon be too late for my body to take my spirit to the places i want to go to feed my creativity and just experience the wonder. i have put my dreams on hold while others have lived fully and without regard. it is my turn. i will stand up and walk my walk. and it isn't a chip-on-the-shoulder thing. it is just the right thing. i expect there may be some pushback and surprise at first, as others will have to do without or wait. but they have the rest of their lives to chase their dreams and save their money to do the things they want. why do we (maybe just me) feel that because i am not the main wage earner, that i have no right to spend money on myself? or live the life i've imagined? i am too close to the generation that raised it's women to be martyrs, as well as mothers. and it has taken me quite a number of years to realize what pattern i have created. now it's time to retrain. soon all this will be a moot point, but my mantra will be "I Deserve." not in a selfish way...more in a self-care way. and we do deserve. we are people, as well as mothers, daughters, aunts, etc. Place your mask firmly on your face BEFORE assisting others. good information while flying. now go fly.

hmmmm...

from a "for sale" ad: Three bedrooms, two baths and laundry all on one floor. Newer plumbing, a water treatment system, invisible dog

as i spent time in meditation this morning, one phrase kept circling my mind like those fish over there to the right of this post. (put your mouse in there and move it around). the phrase: You are in a time of Grace. and i feel it. i haven't posted in a while because it was, and remains, utterly impossible to form words around what i am experiencing right now. a return to gentleness and peacefulness and loveliness and great inner strength. a surefootedness, like the Capricorn goat i am. when moments of fear threaten to unravel me, a feeling of peace and strength fill me...rinse and repeat. people - helpers - have been put on the path beside me at just the right time...i met with a realtor last night and instantly connected with her, and her office dog Sierra. she offered good advise and business cards of 2 other women whose help and services i will need soon. and she said: "gather your team around you. you are not walking alone...you should not walk this alone. gather your team and together you will go through." goosebumps. then she asked if i would feel comfortable with her on my team. now, i realize that it's her JOB to sign people up for her services, but no matter...her words struck a chord...and i didn't feel like i had to have my machete out and start whacking down the jungle in front of me...i felt as though there would be others by my side to help. Team Linda. there's so much more to tell, but diva just got home from camp grandma and we need some love time. hey - click on the red button above the fish...you'll love it!

what can i say?

there is a place for everyone's art in the world....even, well, bad art....

i am so incredibly blessed. when i count my blessings, i need an abacus and a calculator and more than ten fingers and ten toes. just exactly when i need wise words, i am suddenly surrounded by women with just the right thing to say...just the piece to the puzzle to stand me up and dust me off and nudge me on the path again. and the craziest part is, it'll be some random little moment in a random phone call, when this seemingly tiny kernel of something zips innocently through the conversation like winnie the pooh dangling from a kite string in a high breeze...just like that a seemingly ordinary word or phrase is suddenly wham large and smiling like a cheshire cat because this word or series of words knows...it just knows...that it is bombastically important and that soon my brain will screech the brakes on and go...HUNH?!? and realize that Big Work was just done deep deep in my soul and spirit yes that one word or series of words did just that...and soon it all made sense again and the clouds shushhed away and way was again clear and the villagers all danced...oh wait - too much? but truly i am humbled that God who is very busy or the universe or whomever you believe is directing things ...that they would take notice of ME and send the most incredible women to be my guides, even as i feel direction from the women in my life who have gone on ahead and watch for me to make them proud in ways i suspect will amaze even myself. the password is courage.

torpor noun 1. a state of motor and mental inactivity with a partial suspension of sensibility; he fell into a deep torpor; 2. inactivity resulting from torpidity and lack of vigor or energy synonyms torpidity, listlessness, torpidity, torpidness Moderation noun 1. quality of being moderate and avoiding extremes 2. a change for the better 3. the trait of avoiding excesses 4. the action of lessening in severity or intensity; the object being control or moderation of emotional thinking synonyms moderateness, easing, relief, temperance, intemperance fearlessness noun 1. feeling no fear 2. the trait of feeling no fear synonyms bravery Freeheartedness verb 1. freely opening your heart and letting the universal love infuse you in order to let that love flow out to others. 2. living without reservation, doubt, regret.

a most remarkable day...yes, it's true - i went into work for a few hours. despite the respiratory backlash, i was uber productive. my angelfriend keeps me updated on estate sales her stepmother is holding and today's trip was a goldmine of stuff-n-junk for assemblage! she is kind enough to not ask out loud What The Hell Do You Want With THAT?? Beautiful Smart Stepdaughter came over with her other family's new puppy, and after a nice walk through the woods (diva ignoring the pup and nervously praying that this one wasn't staying) we sat outside on the deck talking. it was all i could do to keep from tearing up...she has grown into such an incredible young woman. she has a very promising life ahead of her, filled with passion for life itself and firm knowledge and confidence in who she is becoming. i adore her. and AND just as she was thinking about heading out, a package arrived. right then. and i opened it to find The Journal, Volume One from Squam. and then a squeeze of homesickness grabbed my heart, and i will admit to a few tears sliding down my cheek...just an instant, yearning for the place and the people that Know me...where i can fully be Me. stepper and i had just been talking about how she gets lonely in the summer for her friends at school, and how the friends she has here from high school just don't seem to connect with her any more. we talked about deep girl stuff for a few hours...just the 4 girls on the deck...2-leggeds and 4-leggeds. then with incredible timing - The Journal. she looked through it, and looked at me (a bit differently) and said she really would like to go next year...that it seemed like an experience she'd like to have. she said it just like that. after she left with puppy-who-will-soon-be-huge, a quick check of email...a women's african drumming class, no kidding, at a perfect time for me...so it was just a week ago that i threw that wish to the stars, and here it is...on a twinkling beam of light. and just in case i missed the point, i noticed my angelfriend was on the board of directors! i will burst. so i'm brewing some tea, and have my cozy balcony set up for an afternoon of reading. today, i am filled with such gratitude for all i have...i am filled with gratitude for you.

ok - taking some time to breathe (figuratively!)and think. this has been one roller coaster ride of a summer. it has been hard to find moments to bask in a twinkle of a wabi sabi moment...a tight schedule in the morning leaves no time for belly rubs and other puppy essentials, and i leave the house already on a hamster wheel. work has succeeded in sucking my time...today being the first day in weeks and weeks that i left for home on time, rather than the extra 2 hours a night. this, combined with the black mold dust raining down on us all day, has me worn and weary. my coughing fits at night shake Diva up, and she circles me protectively on the bed, usually deciding that she will sit on my head to be certain the goblins don't get me. and i suddenly realized that my body was trying to tell me what i wouldn't let my mind think...and so many sand-lines that were crossed in the past years have become an unacceptable choice...and i realized that i have become an unacceptable spirit to myself, letting bitterness and "victimness" cozy in where the lightness and sweet laughter used to have a home in me...i still feel them there, but the shadows have blocked them from outward view. it's true...i'm tired. tired of struggling and hoping and having my heart hurt and my spirit-gifts rebuffed and all that goes into a very bad relationship. i have become a person i don't enjoy being. and it is a drain. and it can only change by change...my surroundings must change. it is not possible to move forward by standing in cement. yes. these words have been spoken so many times before. yes, you'll find them archived in these posts. yes, i've stood on the end of this diving board many times, looking down at the deep water, testing the bounce a bit, then turning and going back down the steps to the ground. but suddenly, i realized that the water may be deep, but that it was also refreshing, and deep wasn't scary...just vast and full of possibility. and i have begun my approach to the end of the board...head high, eyes focused, toes pointed as i bounce high, arms stretched straight above me. giddy.

starting to come out of the dust a bit...and enjoying my new bike a little at a time. went out touring last night, down the road, through the woods trail and down a dirt road where the coyotes howl. it was still daylight, but humid...the cicadas were deafening, and were making sport of leaping at me...for sure - i kept my mouth shut! so much is rumbling around and being tumbled smooth and sparkly right now. as you can see - the computer was playing possum...not dead. will bring some details to you over the weekend. right now, i'm spending uber amounts of time at work, as i learn the flow of things, and catch up with the mountains of stuff sitting there. here's one to capture you: Her umbrella was filled with rain she had collected in her travels & on hot summer days she would open it up for the neighborhood kids & we would splash in the puddles & then it would smell like Nairobi or Tasmania & later on we would sit on the porch & eat ice cream & watch for tigers in the bushes. again from StoryPeople.

i'm stumbling back somewhat. all month, there's been a hawk in a tree by my daily picnic spot...screeching and carrying on....i wasn't sure if it was a distress call or a territorial thing, and a few weeks ago, it would be joined by another hawk. but the last two have been lonesome for the hawk...up in the same tree, calling ...4 Reeee Reeee Reeeeeee Reeeeeeee's with the accent on the last one. I got some guidance the other day from Mother Nature herself...the very best friend a wounded wild animal can have (and a pretty darn good human friend too!), Jean the wildlife rehabber. she said "no worries" ... after the young ones fledge (get booted from the nest) they often stick around waiting for a free meal. it sometimes takes weeks for them to realize they are on their own. actually, mom is nearby keeping an eye out, just in case, but they have all the knowledge and equipment to fend for themselves. they just prefer delivery service. i named him Hawklette and send encouraging vibes to get out there and get a mousey. tomorrow i will remember my camera & binoculars. isn't it funny how animal babes and human babes have so much in common? hmmmm. short & sweet tonight...still coughing to beat the band. hopefully maintenance shows up tomorrow to clean the vents at work that are spewing the fine dust particles into everyone's lungs. and the fuzzy yukky lump of god-knows-what that landed on a desk today. i feel like i've been sanding without a mask. more Big News soon....

ugh ack yark...i am still sick. i have, for all intents and purposes, lost my voice. for over a week. no - two weeks. and whenever i do try to talk, i am consumed by bouts of nasty coughing. yes, it is my body saying what my mind refused to think. yes, it is also the nasty vent over my desk at work that spews dust and debris all day. yes, it is a lesson in learning to say less, and make my words count. as you know, i can verbally vomit for hours...having worked in radio for so long taught me, the shy one in school, how to yabber yabber for hours at a time about things and nothings. give me a topic at random, and i can expound upon it til you wish you'd never brought it up. if you've ever listened to, or watched sports, you know there's usually 2 announcers minimum. what you may not realize is that they have 2 completely different jobs. one is the play-by-play guy who describes the action on the field...just the facts, ma'am...Brindamour takes it past the blue line, shoots SCORES! the other guy is the color commentary person. he or she fills in the interesting tidbits and stats. listen for it. i have been reduced to play-by-play. and for a person with such flair for drama and storytelling, this is not acceptable. it is an outrage. and also some pretty savvy thinking on God's part. right in the middle of a huge life decision BAM i'm rendered speechless. no endless conversations wondering am i doing the right thing, blah blah blah. just time to think things through. time to settle into myself a bit and just be quiet. literally. though inside...the creative blender is set on high. i need to find my new space and just be done with this. that is the hardest part. it's like being in Dr. DiCosimo's waiting room with 6 other scared kids, listening to some poor 5 year old screaming in the exam room. the anticipation brings the beads of sweat up. and all the 2nd and 3rd thoughts. to be able to just put 1 foot in front of the other and keep on - that would be most excellent. but i have been given close-up hindsight on this one...rather than waiting years to see how some incredible and seemingly unrelated events all lined up like Jupiter's moons, i can clearly see things in motion now, and things that transpired and aligned within the past month. and i am humbly grateful. i just wish i could verbally express myself. i even tried a neti pot today, which is like medically waterboarding yourself. i must be doing something wrong, and will watch the youtube videos again, despite feeling a bit queasy after. i had such a relaxing weekend, going to the Arts & Crafts festival yesterday and seeing my angelfriend. yes i bought. a lot. sort of. and today i created the coziest of nooks on my balcony, shaded by a massive maple tree. i sat out there and read for some time, dozed a bit, read some more. i am anxious to begin my next phase of life, and wish my house would come to me. i will need all your good thoughts, prayers, vibes, and whatever goodness you can send. it will be a miracle, i can tell you that much. so. i have always known that i was raised a bit shaky. my mom thinks a bit differently than some. and for the past 2 weeks so has been price-shopping for her funeral. she is not sick. just planning ahead. and i know there is no way around the topic, and she has been so excited to find out that one place is much less expensive, and has a better selection of caskets ("more choices that are feminine"). we have conversations that, to the outsider, (oh hell - even to me) would seem bizarrre. but i love my mother, and go along with it. she has it all written down and has given me copies, since i am the executrix of her will, should she outlive my stepfather. (executrix sounds so bad and dirty). now she can, well, rest in peace, knowing that she has the details taken care of. now she wants me to go shop for my funeral arrangements "because you never know, and besides, I've already pre-shopped for you." i am glad i have lost my voice at times. so i assured her i would on our next mother/daughter day. my arrangements are pretty simple: donate any organs that aren't too run down and decrepid. cremate the rest. sprinkle the ashes in a secret location. my angelfriend Georgia will be in charge of all my art and art supplies, and I have earmarked endowments for some organizations close to my heart. i am worth much more dead than alive. and the thing of it is, throughout all these conversations with mom, it's just these matter-of-fact things, as if she found a new dress on sale at Macy's, rather than a pretty blue casket that is very feminine. it just cracks me up and makes me glad to be who i am. my brother has promised to begin work on a play with me. we have these characters that we do - Sylvia Plotnick & Trudi. (Trudi doesn't have a last name). and i've dreamed of doing a show with just Sylvia & Trudi. for a long time. and my brother is an actor, producer, director, extraordinaire. and he owes me, i tell you, for not killing him when we were younger. though we both made a good try for mutual annihilation...each wanting to be an only child. ha! the joke was on us, bro, eh? but anyway, it would be a great show, if we could get it done. and most of it could pretty much be improv, because we know Sylvia & Trudi intimately after all these years. and they are based on real people that we knew somewhat well. so i think if he is reading this, he damn well better make some time in his busy schedule to do this or i will replace him with an understudy. i mean, time's ticking, and according to mom No One Knows The Hour That The Lord Will Come For Them. for shame. i'm off to read a new book, "States" by Jennifer Pashley who I re-met yesterday at the Arts & Crafts festival. And thank you, amazing John Chang, for not only remembering me from NYC, but bringing the very print I talked to you about AND framed it for me. you have touched me.

ok, i just want this ... #114. drool

help

please...if you know a cure for a deep, grepsing cough that won't go away...please let me know. i swear i've cracked ribs coughing. my throat is aflame. you'd think i'd have 6=pack abs by now, but no - the same 12-packs. i am exhausted.

I'm half back...still feeling punky after the flu monster turned and made a second grab for me on saturday night. i am just sick of being sick.i don't mind as much in the winter when we're snowed in anyway, but summer...unfair! i took 2 days off work and dragged myself through the rest of the week, going in for a while on saturday - despite my rule. today i slept in and took my time getting to the Dr. i'm past the weepy "why me" stage and just downright P.O.'d that this bug has lodged in me. i give my immune system pep talks and down the cough medicine like an addict. all i could think about was my pillow today. then i got home, and there was a wag attached to a very precious little dog that stood guard over me the past few nights. okay - a Big Walk through the woods was in order. it was cool as we wandered through the beechwoods, listening to the cicadas droning and watching the dragonflies play in the wildflowers & darting across the pond. i will surely miss this. Diva stopped every so often, looking up at me for a pet and flattery. despite her social skills (none) she is My Love. i have art swirling in my brain, fueled by cough syrup dreams and inactivity. i bought some crazy wonderful yarn yesterday, and despite the heat, am dying to let the rhythm of knit-purl-knit-purl lull me. i don't want this summer to end, but am wishing away my days anyway for september. my New Bike sits idle in the garage waiting til i can take breath with a coughing fit. i feel guilty about the Stinger, sitting in the attic, but the new one is very spanky. i'll have to take a Lake ride soon. ok - this is all i have energy for. send me some chicken-soup-love for healing! L.

i'm sorry for the post delay ....i am still sick

They came to sit & dangle their feet off the edge of the world & after awhile they forgot everything but the good & true things they would do someday. -wisdom from the StoryPeople

in my feverish state, as the stepson and his father battled it out through f-bombed laced notes left on the counter, i have re-found and re-claimed my power. maybe "power" is too strong a word, but maybe not. after spending countless hours and smudged fingers looking through the Houses For Rent section of the paper, i realized - they could go. it would be the most sensible thing - i have a studio here and a dog and a fenced yard. i don't work out of town 3 weeks a month, nor do i leave for college in the fall. so i left Them a note advising them of the house rules. they could accept or leave. what a rush of reclamation. where have i been hiding all this time, eggshell-walker? a by-chance comment by mother, and a Nyquil-induced dream of who i was/am, and BAM. so the house is silent, with 2 men on tippy toes...one doing mad laundry and the other hopefully cleaning a disgusting & horrifically smelly room. i have promised a heavy load for the garbage men in the morning - anything not in it's place will be heaved. along with any drugs/alcohol found anywhere in or around the house. from either of the men in this house. i am done. ROAR. now back to a nap.

am clearly feeling a little better and have ants in my pants - comments please on the new background....yes? no?

sorry for my absence....i have the flu...be back in a few days

oy vey...it's a conspiracy i tell you. the power went out again last night just as i was preparing an epic post about how good things can be! so scrap that. being Amish for 5 hours in this heat has me grumpy. plus my alarm clock battery died from all the use LAST week, so i had to stay up past my bedtime to set my alarm when the power came on. sounds strange, i know...like, wake up it's time for your sleeping pill. that DID happen to me in the hospital once. so i'm off to meet my Friday. work again tomorrow - it's the 1 saturday a month i promised i'd do. have a great day y'all, and do not ever take electricity for granted!

the miracle of Poetry

There is a wine...a very expensive wine...a $2,000.00 bottle of wine...called Poetry. every year for our anniversary, and occasionally on New Year's Eve, my husband and I go to the Brewster Inn in Cazenovia for dinner and/or an overnight in Room #2. (picture #6 if you follow the link and go to "gallery"). it's the one with the rooftop balcony overlooking the lake. A few years back, as I made my way through the buffet line at breakfast (Highly recommend), my eye wandered behind the omelet maker guy and there I saw what was to become the object of my obsession: a hardwood box with the word "Poetry" burned into it, containing a $2000.00 bottle of wine. it was the box i wanted. i ordered a "whatever" omelet - couldn't concentrate - had to have the box. then it got worse - behind the salmon and crabcake station, perched in a small shrine-like alcove...another box...different, but equally as desirable: Old Ghost. in a coffin-shaped hardwood box. and so began my water torture of the Innkeeper...every time we went, i would innocently ask if they had any extra boxes of Poetry or Old Ghost left over....from what who knows?? like P. Diddy just happened to yacht up to their back door and order the wine, but didn't want the box. who wouldn't want the box?? Old Ghost was only $300, but still. so this morning, husband and I went to brunch. and there were the two boxes staring at me. i advised my husband that i would setting my napkin on fire to create a diversion (after we ate) and would be snatching the box. i would leave the wine. i've had Very Expensive wine before. it was usually overrated. and the value of just the box was negligable, thus avoiding a felony, just a misdemeanor. as husband was paying, i wandered to the front of the Inn, and asked the desk person (again) about the possibilty of an empty box. she directed me to Kirk, the Wine Guy and Host. Kirk, although sympathetic, was not to be moved. so with a moment of silence, and a great sigh and big eyes, i thanked him and went outside. i began walking to the car, just grateful for a nice day, and a fantastic meal. from behind me i hear "Ma'am?" i don't usually answer to that, but turned, and there was Kirk with A BOX IN HIS HANDS! POETRY! the $2000 box with wine in it! he remembered - someone DID order the wine and didn't want the box. i couldn't speak. i just couldn't speak. for a minute anyway. then i told him he had no idea what that meant to me. and he doesn't. or maybe he suspects, but to an assemblage artist, this box is like finding the Holy Grail. i am terrified to use it just yet...afraid i may screw it up. i'll wait till the dust bunnies of the idea are more solid. until the certainty that my work will honor the great gift that was given me. and i will dedicate it to Kirk. is this not the perfect box?? ok. in other news...here is a necklace i've been working on...sorry for the blur. maybe i can find a box with a new camera in it....

recommended reading

no - required reading. The sweet, sweet spirit of Squam - in a handy take-along. seriously, you have heard me go on and on about my weeks at Squam. The Journal is a way to share that with you. now you'll know why i'm good for nothing til the end of September!

i'll be here for a bit...

vampires & scary things

i will let you in on a secret: the economic woes have finally hit the netherworld - yes vampires, wolfmen, and zombies in particular. they have been forced to take night jobs at my local grocery store where i saw them With My Own Eyes stocking shelves, cashiering and bollixing up the wheels on the carts for the sport of it. yesterday was so hot, i decided to wait til evening to go grocery shopping. there was just a moldy smidge of cheese left and nothing else Nothing Else. youngblood, who has mutated into Locust Boy, is training for a triathlon (the real kind, as opposed to the former drink/drug/whine event he lived with authenticity for the past bunch-o-years). and some in the family are so thrilled that he has an involvement that keeps his hands away from the devil's playground (at least during the day)that they are willing to do anything to support this new endeavor. apparently, the rigors of training require that he consume a minimum of 2K calories a day. this is pretty much everything in the fridge. so that's monday. on tuesday he moves on to the freezer. okay, but back to my story about zombies. this explains why i felt compelled to go to the grocery store at 8pm, knowing it would be a long trip. now, another back story, if you have the patience. a few months ago, i bought a car - old one said "enough already." so in panic of now having car payments, i switched grocery stores to the one with fewer choices, but way lower prices, and you get a discount on gas if you swipe your Member Savings Card at certain gas stations (i'm getting 90-CENTS A GALLON OFF THIS WEEK !) so i switched. and i save like crazy. there are certain trade-offs, like they think cilantro is one of those rich girl vegetables and don't stock it, and, of course, the zombies. so after hauling this cart around the store for 2 hours - and i am not a dawdler when i shop - two hours, i finally hit the dairy area and realized i had to either CARRY the 2 dozen eggs, or perch them precipitously on top of the heap-o-food. my back hurt, i was pre-nervous about leaving the store in the now-dark, and i wanted to just leave the fucking cart there and go have a good cry somewhere, preferably somewhere with a jacuzzi. by this point, the cart wouldn't really turn, anyway. i had to heave it around corners. all i needed was one more item...Good Seasons mix for salad dressing. that was a must, as husband is making a pasta salad for the neighborhood BBQ today. i broke down and asked some kid who was shedding great bits of dandruff and DNA, and he pointed. the cashier was not happy - apparently i snuck in just before she hit her "go the fuck away i'm going to smoke and call my boyfriend" light. now, you would think, maybe just me, you would think that when a cashier saw that the cart was loaded up like MoFo Mt Kilimanjaro she would ask Dandruff Boy or another zombie to go get her ANOTHER cart, so she could scan/bag/load THAT cart, rather than have scanned bags all smooshed up at the end of her register waiting for MY cart - which was obviously going to take an expedition to spelunk to the bottom of. so i made the suggestion and it was like the holy grail of information to her. i know she will take that idea and use it in the future. so we got through the heap together, and as soon as i awoke from my faint after seeing the price total, she asked if i might need help getting the carts to my car and Out Of Her Life. i did, as i now had TWO carts and NO idea what was in them, having been in the store So Long. the Cart Person came over. now a few of those pre-evolutionary thoughts ripped through my head and gut like lightning. i wanted the companionship of SOMEone in the dark parking lot with two TWO fucking cartloads of groceries...just not HIM. picture, if you will, your stereotype of a zombified ax-murderer having a really really bad day. who knows what qualifies a "bad day" for him, but it was clear that whatever happened, distracted him from his routine and he forgot the hygiene portion of his dayprep altogether. and he wants to walk me through the dark parking lot to my car. what can i do? say, "umm sorry - do you have someone else? someone who has never been across the rainbow bridge, or been in prison?" because by then, i knew the answer would be NO and i would have then pissed off werewolf who had a firm grip on the germ-infested handle of my cart #1 and was pleased to be of service. oy. so we pushed the carts out to the car like a happy couple, and i made of mental list of all the things i wanted to do but hadn't, and then (BEFORE i opened the trunk) bid him adieu. i have never thrown groceries in the trunk of a car so fast. called husband and advised that i was in No Mood and there better be a welcoming party waiting in the driveway to unload, because i was going upstairs to shower. and that is how i save money on groceries every week.

When I grow up, I want to remember that I always wanted to be about a thousand different things & one lifetime didn't seem nearly enough. When I grow up, I hope it's at the very end when it doesn't matter anymore anyway. -Brian Andreas StoryPeople

we have no need for a front door at my house...i'm in early, tucked under warm covers and ready for bed before dark, even. meanwhile husband sits and surfs the web or hangs by the bonfire with collected neighbors. he just hits his snoring REM around the time i get up. and somewhere in the middle, youngblood is stumbling in. so the house is in constant movement, with each of us working a different angle on the clock. i get to wake up the world, as i say to Diva. Kita loved morning walks...with our 3am or 4am walks being the best in the summer. depending on which radio station i worked at, the wake up call was much earlier than anyone else in the world would think about aa cup of coffee and a hot shower. he was wired like me - very early riser and very early to bed. Diva - not so much...i have to pry her off the bed at 6am to go potty. but she's up half the night barking away anything that could possibly be a monster, waking me with a tap-tap-tap of the paw, in case i managed to stay in na-na land through her show of fierceness. no real point here, i guess, just early morning rambles. i said i get up - didn't say the grey matter was engaged! i have a desire to retire in 2 years. i originally wrote "plan" rather than "desire" but changed it because i don't have a plan. but i do have a strong need and desire. so i think this weekend, i maybe should start thinking of a plan. my "independence day" plan, where i plan for my independence. there are a lot of contingencies required...what if my living situation changes? what if...? but if i don't start putting some rebar into this dream/desire/plan, then in 3 years, i'll still be having this conversation with myself. i think i need to talk to a very brave woman who just took a LifeLeap herself. the whole 5 W's is what i need from her...and not the glossanova dance of "universal light and Being/just leap" version...i want to know the gritty, dirty bits of what made the decision grow legs...how did she plan (that word again)...what was the tipping point...sort of compare tolerance points with a person i consider similar. jobwise. lifewise. it's all mostly good here...just like to know i have a roadmap, then i can turn my worrying toward something else. not related topic: i met the most wonderful woman a few weeks ago. and among other things, she does henna tattoo work... mehndi. i have a feeling she & i will be spending many hours together pretty soon. i have an idea for a work i'd like to have...down my spine, and then around my waist to meet at my navel. the story is that for most of my life, i was totally underweight...i skated (ice) and that kept the pounds down. if i hit triple-digits on the scale then it meant i had heavy shoes on. real heavy shoes. then time, and quitting smoking and starting menopause and working at a sedentary job and being too tired to exercise...all those things conspired against me and i am now 40 pounds above what i feel comfortable with. since today marks the 1st day of trying to quit smoking AGAIN, there may be an additional few pieces of junk loadin' my trunk soon. so as i looked in the mirror after i showered the other day, i thought - when did i get so body-aware? and all that tangle of thoughts/lies etc. and i thanked my body for taking me where i needed to go every day, and marveled at the fact the Very Fact of the operational systems contained within this body (and yours too), and how a human is grown from POOF! next to nothing. and i wanted to find a way to honor my body and thank it for putting up with all the abuses i've thrown at it throughout the years (especially the 80's) and celebrate it's beauty and intricacy. so henna it will be. and by the way - my new job has taught me to make small goals ... i know how to do the big ones, being all grandiose in thought, but having a small goal as the end point seemed wrong. but anyway - my goals: to be smoke-free by August 15th, and to lose 10 pounds. i originally said 30 pounds, but realized that was another bigger goal. first the 10. then 10 more. then ... chips and salsa? oh. no. okay back to the point. sometimes, i think i speak for many, sometimes we feel (okay I feel) that in order for the brain to sit up and take notice and know that We Mean Business that we have to clear the decks or have a Huge Goal. i am discovering the beauty of Little Goals...highly attainable or a bit of a struggle, either way, it is the core goal without all the mishmash wrapped around it. it's actually a small piece of a Big Goal, but keeping the official goal as just this one piece gives you time to stop, reassess, keep going or change direction. you don't get bogged down in having to complete this giant task No Matter What. i think that's what stops a lot of beautiful ideas from being born...the hugeness of it all. just my opinion. now - the laundry's in, and it's time to hit my studio. a small goal accomplished. Enjoy your long weekend, and give a moment to being grateful for all there is for us here in America. L

wow. july 1st. it seems like time is just racing by. except, of course for the hours between 7am-5pm! actually those have been flying by too. i'm exhausted by 2pm and in bed by 8-9pm. youngblood actually called me "grandma" last night because of the early bedtime. i told him i'd wake him up at 5am and make him work all day at a job he doesn't know how to do, then check his excite-o-meter at 5pm. he declined. My garden is just exploding...hostas...roses...ligularia... a nice walk through my woods...time for reflection...

y'all...my email is down, so although i've spawned about a thousand notes to send out, none i mean NONE will go. not one. and i had to trick the darn box into giving up a few it was holding from you to me. so it is just the perfect icing on the cupcake of a deliriously humid day with no a.c / too much a.c day at work and now have a headache. i'm going to bed. diva comes home tomorrow, so this is likely my last truly good night of sleep for a while. i found an excellent trainer and let the games begin! kitten has become so bold as to have taken over The Sleeping Spot favored by Diva, and even marked it in her usual way - yarking all over the foot area of my brand new blanket. can i tell you? so, to bed now. if you were looking for all-light-and-nice-and-uplifting, i'm truly sorry. the shine is off the penny, my friends. but...i completed The Most Amazing piece of jewelry i've ever made evah. will feature it here tomorrow when i can take a picture...eyes blurry now. ok so goodnight.

a day of restoration at my lake...joined by 3 friends.... puddling. "Once she told me she was an ocean person & when she combed her fingers through the seaweed she heard the songs of the mermaids & it was easy to believe all the old stories." (Brian Andreas Story People)

Bad Dog

Diva has been banished to Grandma's for a while. she bit stepson - unprovoked - last night. i miss her dearly...her little cuddlebutt spooned up next to me. but to be fair, stepson certainly has a right to walk through the house without wondering if Diva will come launching out of nowhere like Kato in the old Pink Panther movies. a tentative peace had descended upon the household, and the gains we've all made simply cannot be lost or, if they become muddied, blamed on Diva. i will be looking into a trainer, but meanwhile, for everyone's safety (diva's included) she will stay at Camp Grandma's. I can't say Pearlicious is upset about it. Diva's been a restless sleeper lately, waking me up 2-3 times a night, so a good night's sleep is awaiting soon. do i feel guilty for feeling relief? i really do. my daily dance party-in-the-parking-lot at 7am at work just wasn't the same. (if i time it right, my ipod is playing Black Eyed Peas "Get it Started" when i roll in, and I crank it up and make whomever is passing by dance with me.) (this is a sight, since i dance much like Gumby). but i did come home to dinner cooked and ready....made by stepson. yow. wonder what he's up to. ok - time to sneak in a little art prep, then early nappy. yes, you'll find me HERE more often than not. xox

yes. i am sitting quietly on my deck...early morning coffee steaming in my hands...diva laying in the sweet dewdrop grass nearby, nose raised to take in morning scents. and this is inside me.

my body clock is going counterclockwise these days, with exhaustion during the day followed by sleepless nights. saturdays are spent napping between tasks and chores. trying to get to my studio is an unimaginable task. but i know making art will revive me. while i take a break from my usual drama and chaos, please visit me here for some shorter, more edifying posts and fun. i'll be hanging around, but until the fog lifts, i'm more likely to post here. let me know what you think!

oy vey

oy - i am sorry - it has been a very long too long time since i posted, and i miss you. it's the job. i can see where this job will try to steal my Time. but HA! i'm wise to it's trickster ways. as usual, there is a 6 person department being run by 3, so there are few moments that aren't intensely focused on the many multi-tasks at hand. and you know what? i love it. i am rediscovering the part of me that loves to organize and prioritize an impossible heap of tasks...plan the work, then work the plan, as my former boss used to say. he was a black belt - we listened. although the workload will soon be overwhelming, i suspect, (people measure their backlog in reams - when the manager asks what their such-and-such pile is, they'll say "3 reams" or whatever), and i think it will come soon, i still refuse to put work first. i will go in an hour early if needed, or spend a saturday morning once a month maybe. but the rest is mine. i am finally relaxed enough to actually think about art-making and yoga-taking again. imagine - being afraid to go to yoga lest a panic attack break out. i swear. and actually, in the literal sense - i do swear. a lot. when i'm stressed and frustrated. that combination brings out the sailor in my vocabulary (no offense to any sailors reading this. just sayin). and i haven't uttered an f-bomb at work since i started this new job. oh - once. but it was justified. but it was under my breath and very very quiet. but the area i work in is deadly quiet. so i suppose maybe a lot of people heard it, and i did apologize to the manager. but they knew what they were getting. a prankster. a joker. a smiler. someone just a little edgier than makes you comfortable, i suppose. and although it seems as though anything will pop out of my mouth, it's mostly under control and entirely almost intentional to make you smile. our CEO's name is Robert. and when asked by my manager how my training was going, and if i was understanding the gist of my new duties, i replied (perhaps a bit vehemently) "To Get Bob's Money! Hey (insert insurance carrier name)! GIVE ME BOB'S MONEY!" so that has now become the department motto: Get Bob's Money. as in - collect on all the overdue claims that we've billed out to insurance. not as in - we are stealing Bob's money. there is a particular computer program i have to use in most of my work that Does Not Work. It takes 30 minutes to be able to run 2 inquiries. all the while i (quietly) discuss with the computer how it should be ashamed at how it is Wasting Bob's Money, and it should Immediately Cough Up the Information Or Else. this apparently provides quite a bit of harmless amusement to the cube farm, and i'm always down for a chortle. anyway...diva is just tired of watching me type and has dragged CowPig out from the secret hiding spot and is staring at me with the toy's scrubbly pinkness in her mouth like the dog on that depression pill commercial, so i'm going now. hope your week is fabu! check this out.

one for the road

Most people don't know there are angels whose only job is to make sure you don't get too comfortable & fall asleep & miss your life. - brian andreas

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. Buddha

it has been way too busy, and i'm finding my time stretched like pulled taffy as i try to carve out some creative time...in-the-zone time. i have 3 projects i'm trying to work on right now...each from a very sacred place...each calling me to the studio. but studying for the new Big Girl job position has taken precedence, as has a girlday with mom, and other agenda items that move up the priority scale. yesterday was girlday with mom. on our way home from an excellent breakfast in a cheesy little diner located at the next right turn after nowhere, i saw a display of sculptures outside an old rundown barn. RRRRRRRRR- the brakes got slammed on. an artist has a studio inside this old historic building. not really a barn, as it turns out, but definitely rundown. the sculptures were welded metal animals made from found objects and repurposed pieces of metal...an aardvark, a chicken, a moose, lobster and shrimp...all lusciously rusty under their brightly painted,but faded shapes. inside, he has a wood shop that is to be worshipped. and some of the most incredible Adirondack style mirrors, tables, boxes, etc. he was obviously and rightfully proud of his work, and we began to chat...he admired my necklace (part of my new collection) and asked if i was an artist. he asked if i made my living at it, and i realized just how possible it was. to have the time to finish what i start. i did it before. what had changed? the answers came easily, and with a twinge of sadness but not regret. i believe there is no wrong path. that we make choices and they go this way or that way. and you bring you essential self to either choice. whether one is easier or harder depends on your acceptance of your choice. i suppose tomorrow i could toss my Big Girl job and finish my Compelling Artwork. but i need that security of the mundane right now...that knowledge of a paycheck every 2 weeks. that is my situation based on my choices, and although it is frustrating at times (like these past few weeks!), i acknowledge that it is my choice. and i am grateful for choice. grateful that i have the security of someone else's name at the bottom of my paycheck. it fills me. i am equally grateful that i have the luxury of being able to make time for art. i don't have to work 2-3 jobs to put food on my table. so i'm not whining about lack of art time. just frustrated. almost seems selfish, when viewed from a global perspective, eh? but it is the path of my choices that i wander...be they conscious or subconscious choices. i am grateful for those who help me make it over the roots and rocks, and equally as grateful for those who skip along the wide shady portions with me. i will be posting irregularly for the next few weeks, as i try to spend some time with a particularly challenging assemblage piece staring incomplete from my worktable. enjoy summer's warm, sweet fragrance!

wow. has it really been this long since i posted? well. it's been quietly hectic as handfuls of tiny, yet significant, miracles fill my hands like twinkly stardust. i am getting a boot camp-style training ...1 month's worth in 1 week. but it is so nice to work in an environment that's so damn quiet! i haven't even picked up the phone all week on the job! and no one has called me a single name. my blood pressure has returned to mostly normal, and i think my body is shocked! you get used to operating with certain conditions applied - whether it's stress or whatever - and my theory is that your body conditions itself to recognize that state as normal. anyway, the new job, i can see, will have it's own pressures to finish mountains of paperwork, but it's the perfect environment for me there - a team effort with my part clearly defined and all up to me to complete. on the homefront, we had our family meeting last night, with 4 empowered adults and 1 nervous, semi-snarky semi-adult. that has been a battle of tensions, and as my work stress has gone pfft, i am better able to take control of the home situations. there are certain stressors that won't be resolved - such as Diva. she is the sweetest cuddler and mostly the joy of my heart, but is admittedly a handful. i am looking into a trainer that doesn't cost a fortune. meanwhile, we make her watch Dog Whisperer with us.

ahhh friday...and if i had any niggling doubts as to whether or not i made the right choice in switching jobs, each and every caller today reminded me of how much i will look forward to never having to speak to them again! there were some very heartfelt emails sent from managers in the field that i've worked issues for, and even 1 doctor/owner said he would miss our "lively exchanges" (read: arguments). it was a little choke-y but monday starts a new chapter, and my new team has made certain that i know how happy they are to have me. and they are wonderful people. so no losses here. i'm off to walk diva before the rain starts! hopefully get those NYC pics posted tomorrow!

it gets better

ok...details...as you may remember, about a month ago I finally hit the burnout wall at work. i've been doing virtually the same type of job since 1980. yes i am that old. anyway, i had had my fill. and i went to my manager and said so. after a weekend relaxation, and a root canal day off or two, i felt better and able to keep on, even though a little voice got louder saying "this is not what you have to put up with...this is not normal." so meanwhile, my manager asked me to bring in my resume - she knew of a position opening up and would personally hand my resume to the director. i did as she asked, even though i felt like i was signing my own divorce papers....leaving something bad, but still leaving and changing. things i don't do well. but i went along with it because i respect her and she asked me to, and besides, i had brought the issue to her in the first place. i could always say "no" if offered the job. interview day came, and i still didn't know what job i was interviewing for, but showed up in the "Large conference room" as directed. (there's only 1 conference room, but they always say "large"). (as if we'll wander about looking for another, smaller one). long story short, i got the job. at my same pay. and i was to start in 4 weeks, which would leave me time to clean up my old stuff, and learn Excel. (i may have mentioned that i had familiarity with this job-required program. i do not. and probably spelled it wrong). this morning, my manager informed me that they want me to start Monday. what?! and asked me not to say anything to anyone about getting the job yet. oy. a big secret. another thing i do not do well at. okay. she jets off to a meeting, and at 4pm, huddles us in the office and gives us the quick & dirty. the company is looking to cut back. bottom line, if i hadn't left the dept, then someone would have been laid off. so good news, double blessing - i get a new job and no one on my team loses theirs. bad news...our already Very Understaffed dept will be down to 2 people doing the job of 5. tears were shed. epithets thrown. half the dept (1 person) grabbed her purse and stalked out the door. she will be back but not happy. tomorrow is jeans day, and a party for me. i removed my flare from the office (except for the crow in her cage) and felt a little choked up. i've been with this dept since before it existed...many years ...well, 3 anyway. i'm glad to stay in the same company, and very grateful to have a job at all. a little sad to go, but not too far...just another part of the building. and the crow will have to come back home. they're a little more traditional in this new dept. for now. but i start on monday...are they ready?

i. got. the. job. Holy christmas. and AND they matched my salary. i am in shock. and filled with gratitude. and a little sad for leaving my department. but it will sure be good to go to work and not get screamed at and listening to swearingly outrageous people. i need to process all this. sorry for the short posts, but it's hotter than the hubs of hell in my office/studio lately and i can't stand to be in here. the short version of my life: i am in love with Times Square. Love. there were FOUR bead shops outside my hotel. i ate and walked and smelled things and people-watched and shopped and loved every second. stepson is home and the games have begun. diva just now came back from Camp Grandma's and she is Tired. i didn't realize just how much i missed her furry butt. so i'm off to find coolness. will promise a catch-up with photos on saturday in the early morning coolness. hey - i got the job!

larceny

i swiped this quote from here...it was actually already borrowed from The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, but...anyway, it speaks to me and makes me smile: "For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again."

just back from 4 days in NYC ...have stories...need sleep...more tomorrow evening...love love love the Times Square buzz!

insert coin

it's an anniversary worth celebrating....PacMan's 30th anniversary! go here and click on "insert coin" in the search bar, and get ready to play! a little harder with my tiny arrow keys, but, ahhh, the memories! back before saving quarters meant laundry day, and all the obligations that rolled around in that tub...laundry day meant responsibilities which meant rent which meant Big Girl Job which meant, well, you get the picture. i remember standing in the Ground Round restaurant with Don, and Debbie and Bob, shoving quarters into that machine addictively. i was eventually engaged to Don, and then later to Bob, when the Don thing didn't work out. as was Debbie. oh stop that - it was a different time, people. so celebrating PacMan is a trip down memory lane - a road i currently need a GPS to even find, let alone travel. happy sunday y'all! wooka wooka wooka....

Sometimes.... you have to.... step back... in order to see... more clearly...

an afternoon of organizing, chatting Canadian with Joy, Eh? and movie watching...i recommend: Art & Copy. fabulous documentary, given my dream of owning an ad agency. or at least working in the creative dept of one. and the final line in the movie says it all: I believe art can change anything. do you?

how mysteriously the universe works...an emergency root canal today will keep me out of work...never have i been more grateful