shouldn't i have?

there's a Mary Chapin Carpenter song called "Passionate Kisses" where she sings about all the things she feels she deserves...little things...pens that don't run out of ink, and cool quiet, and time to think...ok, some little and some big...and it got me thinking about how women in particular, don't claim the things that they feel are important to them..."oh no, you take the last piece of pie," attitude that our mothers had. we deny ourselves for our "_____" fill in the blank...husband, kids, job, etc. And we don't do / buy / experience the things that will make us whole...make us, Us. i go to an art workshop every year in the cool, piney forest of NH. the first year i went, i felt like i had to DEMAND that it was okay to take this time and money for myself. i felt guilty. it wasn't really really expensive - stepson spent more than this in clothes in 1 shopping trip, and never wondered how the mortgage would get paid. so why did i feel like i should put MY dream on hold, or deny it completely? who knows what your dream is, or what your "want" is? in a perfect world, everyone would live their best life. and be encouraged by their Closest Ones to do so. but often it becomes habit to let one person (you) wait. and wait. i am approaching a point in my life where waiting is not an option...i am getting to the age where it will soon be too late for my body to take my spirit to the places i want to go to feed my creativity and just experience the wonder. i have put my dreams on hold while others have lived fully and without regard. it is my turn. i will stand up and walk my walk. and it isn't a chip-on-the-shoulder thing. it is just the right thing. i expect there may be some pushback and surprise at first, as others will have to do without or wait. but they have the rest of their lives to chase their dreams and save their money to do the things they want. why do we (maybe just me) feel that because i am not the main wage earner, that i have no right to spend money on myself? or live the life i've imagined? i am too close to the generation that raised it's women to be martyrs, as well as mothers. and it has taken me quite a number of years to realize what pattern i have created. now it's time to retrain. soon all this will be a moot point, but my mantra will be "I Deserve." not in a selfish way...more in a self-care way. and we do deserve. we are people, as well as mothers, daughters, aunts, etc. Place your mask firmly on your face BEFORE assisting others. good information while flying. now go fly.