ok - taking some time to breathe (figuratively!)and think. this has been one roller coaster ride of a summer. it has been hard to find moments to bask in a twinkle of a wabi sabi moment...a tight schedule in the morning leaves no time for belly rubs and other puppy essentials, and i leave the house already on a hamster wheel. work has succeeded in sucking my time...today being the first day in weeks and weeks that i left for home on time, rather than the extra 2 hours a night. this, combined with the black mold dust raining down on us all day, has me worn and weary. my coughing fits at night shake Diva up, and she circles me protectively on the bed, usually deciding that she will sit on my head to be certain the goblins don't get me. and i suddenly realized that my body was trying to tell me what i wouldn't let my mind think...and so many sand-lines that were crossed in the past years have become an unacceptable choice...and i realized that i have become an unacceptable spirit to myself, letting bitterness and "victimness" cozy in where the lightness and sweet laughter used to have a home in me...i still feel them there, but the shadows have blocked them from outward view. it's true...i'm tired. tired of struggling and hoping and having my heart hurt and my spirit-gifts rebuffed and all that goes into a very bad relationship. i have become a person i don't enjoy being. and it is a drain. and it can only change by change...my surroundings must change. it is not possible to move forward by standing in cement. yes. these words have been spoken so many times before. yes, you'll find them archived in these posts. yes, i've stood on the end of this diving board many times, looking down at the deep water, testing the bounce a bit, then turning and going back down the steps to the ground. but suddenly, i realized that the water may be deep, but that it was also refreshing, and deep wasn't scary...just vast and full of possibility. and i have begun my approach to the end of the board...head high, eyes focused, toes pointed as i bounce high, arms stretched straight above me. giddy.