we have no need for a front door at my house...i'm in early, tucked under warm covers and ready for bed before dark, even. meanwhile husband sits and surfs the web or hangs by the bonfire with collected neighbors. he just hits his snoring REM around the time i get up. and somewhere in the middle, youngblood is stumbling in. so the house is in constant movement, with each of us working a different angle on the clock. i get to wake up the world, as i say to Diva. Kita loved morning walks...with our 3am or 4am walks being the best in the summer. depending on which radio station i worked at, the wake up call was much earlier than anyone else in the world would think about aa cup of coffee and a hot shower. he was wired like me - very early riser and very early to bed. Diva - not so much...i have to pry her off the bed at 6am to go potty. but she's up half the night barking away anything that could possibly be a monster, waking me with a tap-tap-tap of the paw, in case i managed to stay in na-na land through her show of fierceness. no real point here, i guess, just early morning rambles. i said i get up - didn't say the grey matter was engaged! i have a desire to retire in 2 years. i originally wrote "plan" rather than "desire" but changed it because i don't have a plan. but i do have a strong need and desire. so i think this weekend, i maybe should start thinking of a plan. my "independence day" plan, where i plan for my independence. there are a lot of contingencies required...what if my living situation changes? what if...? but if i don't start putting some rebar into this dream/desire/plan, then in 3 years, i'll still be having this conversation with myself. i think i need to talk to a very brave woman who just took a LifeLeap herself. the whole 5 W's is what i need from her...and not the glossanova dance of "universal light and Being/just leap" version...i want to know the gritty, dirty bits of what made the decision grow legs...how did she plan (that word again)...what was the tipping point...sort of compare tolerance points with a person i consider similar. jobwise. lifewise. it's all mostly good here...just like to know i have a roadmap, then i can turn my worrying toward something else. not related topic: i met the most wonderful woman a few weeks ago. and among other things, she does henna tattoo work... mehndi. i have a feeling she & i will be spending many hours together pretty soon. i have an idea for a work i'd like to have...down my spine, and then around my waist to meet at my navel. the story is that for most of my life, i was totally underweight...i skated (ice) and that kept the pounds down. if i hit triple-digits on the scale then it meant i had heavy shoes on. real heavy shoes. then time, and quitting smoking and starting menopause and working at a sedentary job and being too tired to exercise...all those things conspired against me and i am now 40 pounds above what i feel comfortable with. since today marks the 1st day of trying to quit smoking AGAIN, there may be an additional few pieces of junk loadin' my trunk soon. so as i looked in the mirror after i showered the other day, i thought - when did i get so body-aware? and all that tangle of thoughts/lies etc. and i thanked my body for taking me where i needed to go every day, and marveled at the fact the Very Fact of the operational systems contained within this body (and yours too), and how a human is grown from POOF! next to nothing. and i wanted to find a way to honor my body and thank it for putting up with all the abuses i've thrown at it throughout the years (especially the 80's) and celebrate it's beauty and intricacy. so henna it will be. and by the way - my new job has taught me to make small goals ... i know how to do the big ones, being all grandiose in thought, but having a small goal as the end point seemed wrong. but anyway - my goals: to be smoke-free by August 15th, and to lose 10 pounds. i originally said 30 pounds, but realized that was another bigger goal. first the 10. then 10 more. then ... chips and salsa? oh. no. okay back to the point. sometimes, i think i speak for many, sometimes we feel (okay I feel) that in order for the brain to sit up and take notice and know that We Mean Business that we have to clear the decks or have a Huge Goal. i am discovering the beauty of Little Goals...highly attainable or a bit of a struggle, either way, it is the core goal without all the mishmash wrapped around it. it's actually a small piece of a Big Goal, but keeping the official goal as just this one piece gives you time to stop, reassess, keep going or change direction. you don't get bogged down in having to complete this giant task No Matter What. i think that's what stops a lot of beautiful ideas from being born...the hugeness of it all. just my opinion. now - the laundry's in, and it's time to hit my studio. a small goal accomplished. Enjoy your long weekend, and give a moment to being grateful for all there is for us here in America. L