vampires & scary things

i will let you in on a secret: the economic woes have finally hit the netherworld - yes vampires, wolfmen, and zombies in particular. they have been forced to take night jobs at my local grocery store where i saw them With My Own Eyes stocking shelves, cashiering and bollixing up the wheels on the carts for the sport of it. yesterday was so hot, i decided to wait til evening to go grocery shopping. there was just a moldy smidge of cheese left and nothing else Nothing Else. youngblood, who has mutated into Locust Boy, is training for a triathlon (the real kind, as opposed to the former drink/drug/whine event he lived with authenticity for the past bunch-o-years). and some in the family are so thrilled that he has an involvement that keeps his hands away from the devil's playground (at least during the day)that they are willing to do anything to support this new endeavor. apparently, the rigors of training require that he consume a minimum of 2K calories a day. this is pretty much everything in the fridge. so that's monday. on tuesday he moves on to the freezer. okay, but back to my story about zombies. this explains why i felt compelled to go to the grocery store at 8pm, knowing it would be a long trip. now, another back story, if you have the patience. a few months ago, i bought a car - old one said "enough already." so in panic of now having car payments, i switched grocery stores to the one with fewer choices, but way lower prices, and you get a discount on gas if you swipe your Member Savings Card at certain gas stations (i'm getting 90-CENTS A GALLON OFF THIS WEEK !) so i switched. and i save like crazy. there are certain trade-offs, like they think cilantro is one of those rich girl vegetables and don't stock it, and, of course, the zombies. so after hauling this cart around the store for 2 hours - and i am not a dawdler when i shop - two hours, i finally hit the dairy area and realized i had to either CARRY the 2 dozen eggs, or perch them precipitously on top of the heap-o-food. my back hurt, i was pre-nervous about leaving the store in the now-dark, and i wanted to just leave the fucking cart there and go have a good cry somewhere, preferably somewhere with a jacuzzi. by this point, the cart wouldn't really turn, anyway. i had to heave it around corners. all i needed was one more item...Good Seasons mix for salad dressing. that was a must, as husband is making a pasta salad for the neighborhood BBQ today. i broke down and asked some kid who was shedding great bits of dandruff and DNA, and he pointed. the cashier was not happy - apparently i snuck in just before she hit her "go the fuck away i'm going to smoke and call my boyfriend" light. now, you would think, maybe just me, you would think that when a cashier saw that the cart was loaded up like MoFo Mt Kilimanjaro she would ask Dandruff Boy or another zombie to go get her ANOTHER cart, so she could scan/bag/load THAT cart, rather than have scanned bags all smooshed up at the end of her register waiting for MY cart - which was obviously going to take an expedition to spelunk to the bottom of. so i made the suggestion and it was like the holy grail of information to her. i know she will take that idea and use it in the future. so we got through the heap together, and as soon as i awoke from my faint after seeing the price total, she asked if i might need help getting the carts to my car and Out Of Her Life. i did, as i now had TWO carts and NO idea what was in them, having been in the store So Long. the Cart Person came over. now a few of those pre-evolutionary thoughts ripped through my head and gut like lightning. i wanted the companionship of SOMEone in the dark parking lot with two TWO fucking cartloads of groceries...just not HIM. picture, if you will, your stereotype of a zombified ax-murderer having a really really bad day. who knows what qualifies a "bad day" for him, but it was clear that whatever happened, distracted him from his routine and he forgot the hygiene portion of his dayprep altogether. and he wants to walk me through the dark parking lot to my car. what can i do? say, "umm sorry - do you have someone else? someone who has never been across the rainbow bridge, or been in prison?" because by then, i knew the answer would be NO and i would have then pissed off werewolf who had a firm grip on the germ-infested handle of my cart #1 and was pleased to be of service. oy. so we pushed the carts out to the car like a happy couple, and i made of mental list of all the things i wanted to do but hadn't, and then (BEFORE i opened the trunk) bid him adieu. i have never thrown groceries in the trunk of a car so fast. called husband and advised that i was in No Mood and there better be a welcoming party waiting in the driveway to unload, because i was going upstairs to shower. and that is how i save money on groceries every week.