gentle - the word for the day

i am being gentle with myself today. funny, when i used to read those words in other blogs, or hear them in conversations at the yoga studio, i'd think "oh get off it...gentle with yourself??" but i now know. and i am being gentle with myself. or at least trying. this year's week at Squam was very different, and the return to home was less of a demarcation between sweetness, kindness, wonderment, and rules, schedules and obligations. because i am being gentle with myself. whenever i feel the tenseness returning, i walk slower, i take a breath, i think of woods & crackling fireplaces. not to escape, but to savor a few more hours of tenderness with myself. it's true (and i'm not ashamed) that i canceled my surgery today. it just felt like too jarring and violent a way to re-enter. there will be other days to do that. not today. and i suppose i knew i would cancel it way back on friday, when i painted my first painting...yes...i painted. and it was wonderful. the act of painting was...the result is for anyone to guess. but to me, it was beautiful. for on that canvas lay all my fears of painting and the like. not a huge thing, in the scheme of life, but a symbol, i suppose. so i knew i wanted to spend 2 days painting. and i got half my wish. in order to paint, i had to clear my worktable of fabric and rusty metal and wood and all manner of debris that seems to collect on flat surfaces. as long as i was doing that, i decided to unpack and do laundry. as long as it was late already in the day, i decided that monday would be the day i got all my chores done and set up my studio so i could tumble out of bed and ...paint. i have a niggling little voice on my shoulder that says i should be with diva as she recuperates. and at least 4 calls from mom last night and this morning assured me that i should feel guilty. rather than scrap paint plans and rush over, i realized there was nothing life-threatening or dramatic going on other than diva's total hatred of the elizabethan collar. and that problem was solved at 3am when the collar came off and some custom pj's were made for her from a pillowcase. she can't get at her stitches through the pj's and finally got some sleep. the rotties next door will enjoy this new look, i'm sure. more drama this morning involving my stepfather - no surprise. i simply refused to get sucked into the vortex. and i am painting. i know it all sounds very self-centered and selfish and uncaring of me to be la la la painting and being all gentle while my dog is stuck choosing between 2 fashion nightmares, but honestly, it is also time for me to stop that last bit of reactiveness that has nestled within me...that uber-prepared girlscout that is constantly on duty in my brain. she needs to grow up and grow away. and the reason why i am taking a gentle day away from the phone, and spending it with BB King and Golden Artist Colors is that the work that started within me last week is not quite done...there are still a few things that are almost gelled, but still a little ghostly and free form...they need to solidify a bit more so i can hold them in my hand, and turn them over and examine them, and make them a part of my whole. and today is the only day that could possibly happen properly. today before i return to spreadsheets and impossible deadlines and bad coffee and fast food for lunch. today is my gentle nest that i'm tucking into. i have cracked open, as my intention was. and i just remembered that i can fly.